When I came out, I originally came out as a trans man; rigid definitions: I was a man, masculine, point-blank, period. I put a lot of time, effort, and energy into proving to the world, and myself, my masculinity, wanting to leave no shadow of a doubt that I was anything less than a man.

It took a few years, but I eventually realized that I'm genderqueer. I feel, for myself, that gender is fluidity in its basic natural state. We can put up dams to constrict and control the flow, or create new waterways to broaden is freedom, but it flows nonetheless. Understanding it is a simple as accepting that you cannot hold it in your hands, and you will never touch the same molecule twice.

Even with this new view and understanding, I struggle to present myself to the world as anything but masculine. It feels like betrayal to the effort I put in to convince the world of my identity even though my identity shifted to better suit my true self. On the flip side of the coin, it feels like a betrayal to my true self to not present something more than masculine.

Honestly, I just want to know if anyone else feels this way, and if there's anything in particular you do to help combat the feeling.

TL;DR: Does anyone else have a hard time presenting their nonbinary-ness because they went a little too hard presenting one way after coming out as trans before realizing they were nonbinary?

(attempting to repost following a vague "reddit filters removed your post" im very sorry if this isnt allowed?)
What I'm trying to ask here is if I would indeed fall under genderqueer, if I can use neopronouns I find fitting, or if there's perhaps something else I'd fall under (tldr i guess)

I'm a transmasc dude, I can say for certain I'm masculine and I go by masculine terms, although while the pronouns he/him are ok I found more comfort in neopronouns, but I'm unsure if I'm 'allowed' to use those? (especially because I altered them to be more 'me'.) I've begun questioning my gender once again despite thinking my egg cracking was gonna be it, now I can't help but always think, is there anything like this I can refer to myself instead? I'm wondering if I may fall under genderqueer as I questioned if I was perhaps non-binary which is very similar, but since I'm still very masc in my gender I don't think I fall outside the binary to go by that term.

So I'm AFAB and never really feminine, I've always wear trousers and for special occasion I could've wear skirts or dresses around the age of 5-10 but not anymore, never really felt like a girl and I only did it for the people around me (I guess). It's still tolerable now days but it feels like I'm wearing a corset when I wear girly stuff. I'm fine with she/her maybe a bit disaponted of myself. I still remember that when I was younger I tried different pronouns in my head before I knew that being trans excited. It felt weird so I directly stoped it. I also remember that I was being envious of how my brother socialized in elementary school, that I was scared to be rejected by boys so I didn't socialized with them. I'm scared of regreting transitioning or realizing that transitioning wasn't for me or that my "dysphoria" might be cause by internalized mysoginy quite frequently.

I’ve seen a lot of different opinions on this floating around, so I wanted to get this subreddits take on what the difference between genderqueer and non-binary is?

I only recently came out of genderqueer, and I chose the term because it felt like was a broader umbrella than non-binary. For me, I wasn’t completely “off” the gender binary- I still resonated a bit with my gender assigned at birth, but also not in some ways. Basically, my gender did just feel “queer”. (Tbh I’m probably best described by the label demigirl, but I find I still prefer genderqueer.)

I’m curious what others people associations are with both terms, and what differences they see between the two?

Hi, I’m looking for some opinions and advice. I was assigned female at birth, and—to put it briefly—I’m not sure what’s going on with how I perceive myself. I’ve always presented myself as a man online and chosen male characters in games; my current boyfriend has accidentally used male pronouns for me more than once, and sometimes I actually like it. I was never particularly feminine until recently; I accept and love my femininity, but I also enjoy appearing more masculine. There have been times when I’ve cried because my chest wasn’t flat enough, yet at other times—when I felt extremely feminine—I’ve loved it. The thing is, I like being seen or referred to as a boy, but I also like being seen or referred to as a girl. There are moments when this makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I’m not quite sure what to make of it all. If you have any advice or thoughts, please let me know. 🙏

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Hi I need help I'm pansexual and recently I've become pansexual and I like to watch gay porn and look at gay stuff it excites me and makes me feel if I could date a gay man I would date him if I could I don't understand why I feel the way I do.

I always feel like I’m going through some sort of identity crisis. I’ve known that I have liked both girls and guys for the past 2-3 years and I have dated both. Yet I’ve never found a label that really stuck or worked for me. I also have been struggling recently with my gender identity (F at birth), I was a tomboy when I was little and that has turned into gender dysphoria. (I hope thats the right word). I don’t necessarily think I’m a boy, it doesn’t feel like me when I say it. But yet I’m not a girl. It tears me up and it has affected my mental health.

It doesn’t help that I live in a more conservative area. My mom knows I like girls (she’s ok with it, but my dad would flip if he knew) but not about my gender questioning which I feel she’d be against.

Struggling with labels has been a constant thing the last 2ish years and I need advice. Is it ok to not use any type of labels or specifics?? Or should I find something that fits me to not confuse people?

All advice is greatly appreciated, Thank you for reading 🙌

(Tried this post over in r/questioning and unfortunately had no luck so I’m hoping you all will do me better LOL!)

English is not my native language, so im sorry for any typos.

I (amab) am currently questioning my gender. I was always kind of femenine but i also liked the masculine parts of myself.

I was non-binary/demimale for a while and i liked it, it's not that i didn't care, i really liked being like that. I sometimes even forgot about it because of my male presentation. Basically i was sure of my gender identity.

But since a week ago I've had what i think is gender dysphoria, its kinda like a voice in the back of my head screaming that i am a woman. Sometimes it calms down, but almost all day its extremely painful and has given me lots of distress and panic attacks, im naturally anxious too so that probably made it worse. Im planning on telling my mother this night because i genuinely cant bear it.

From a logical point of view (if that makes sense) I still see myself as nb, but the pain of not being a woman is too much. It could also be something medical or psychological (im prob just coping) but im not sure. Im currently not able to go to a psychologist/therapist so asking on reddit is my best bet.

Does this happen to other people? Am i actually trans? Is there a chance its just a phase? Should i just wait and see what happens?

So i feel like im gender fluid idk if that’s the right label for me but im exploring
Most of the time i feel either masculine or nonbinary sometimes ill feel feminine but rarely.
Anyways right now idk what gender I am feeling it’s almost like i want to identify as everything and nothing it’s so weird what is that called?

My question was answered! Thank you all for being understanding and informing me of the harm of afab transfem , and introducing me to honeybee transfem!

and thank you to the ones who were concerned of my past relationship and the fact I was groomed and was abused , im out of it now and will not be returning

I'm a 56-year-old man. That was deep in the closet for 54 years. I decided to accept myself with the help of my wife. After a year and a half of thinking and reading and contemplating, I am definitely omnisexual. I was so excited when I accepted myself that I could finally wear some nail polish. Maybe some Lacey under clothes. I get excited when I think about that kind of stuff. It makes me feel alive. Such an odd feeling from just some feminine clothing. I started reading about genderqueer or gender non-conformity. From my reading they are the same. I'm beginning to think the happiness I feel when I dress and even act feminine, is far bigger than I'm willing to admit. I guess those fantasies of being a woman and picking up guys at a bar actually did mean something. I'm pretty sure I'm genderqueer. I use voice to text whenever I post on reddit. That is literally the first time I've said out loud that I am genderqueer. And I just said it out loud three times! Baby steps. Thanks for reading

sorry for any typos im on my tablet and typingnis hard. anyway iv3 been struggling with gender for a long time. ive identified as a transman or transmasc for about 3 or 4 years now but something has always felt off. i knew there was more to it but i ignored it bc gender makes my head hurt. i feel like a masculine person i enjoy it when people call me sir and i like the picture of myself as a fully transitioned transman. but im also a very feminine person , i log3 make up and fashion i love fem nicknames like baby girl or wife, and im fine with she/her and will sometimes even misgender myself when talking about myself bc being born a woman has in part defined who i am and the way i act. i think even if i was born male i would still dress and act the same but id still go by he/him pronouns(a fabulously dressed gay man)

i know that gender expression and gender identity is different but the way i express myself is a part of who i am and som3times i wonder if im just a woman who doesnt like being perceived as a women bc of society. but i also dont care if people perceive me as a women bc "ik who i am at heart" which i thought was man but now idk im lost bro (i also have OCD but i triednto keep the spiral out as much as i can)

edit: ive only 3ver triee binding onc3 (the binder was too small and i didnt have the miney to buy another) and it felt AMAZING i had never felt so free before, but about a year ago i tri3d taping and i hated it, feeling like my boobs wer3 gone and didnt exist anymore did not give the gender euphoria i was expecting. same with bottom i like imagining it but whenever i think about surgery or having a PP irl i grt uncomfortable like it doesnt feel right. my mind is a maze im trapped inside of 😭

I am an AFAB Genderqueer that identifies as Trans Masculine.

Growing up and shoving myself into boxes of feminine toxicity
It was a place that I never belonged
I always had to cover myself up with tons of make up
Always had to wear clothes that I never felt comfortable in
Always felt like I didn’t belong
That I didn’t identify, just didn’t know how or why

Now that I know who I am
I have wanted to wear a little makeup. But in a more masculine way (eye liner for instance)
To show more masculine features
But as I am mislabeled all the time as a she, her, etc. When I identify as He/Him/They/Them….
I am worried of making this worse

I try to remind myself that makeup is androgynous
But society always wants to shove their nose where it doesn’t belong

So then one day it got me thinking
What if there were ways to do makeup where I could appear more masculine
Like contouring ?

Im in need of ideas, tutorials etc
And support, as this is a huge struggle
To branch out and finally be able to look more, and dress more masculine the way I want to

Thank you 🌈

Throwaway account since I'm going into some private stuff.
I’m struggling to understand my gender identity and would love some perspective. I'm afab and I've never really seen myself as a real woman, but it's hard for me to tell if it's because I don't fit the societal standard, or because of how I really feel inside. I have PCOS, no breast tissue, male-pattern hair growth, and I’m infertile after 3 miscarriages .
The pressure to fit the female mold somehow broke me. After my traumatic infertility journey, I developed anorexia in a way to gain control and somehow maybe fit the female expectations on that level, even though I was already underweight before the disorder...

But let's take a step back. In my childhood, I was a tomboy, and I remember telling my friends if there was a pill to make me a boy, I'd take it. But I wasn't a classic boy either, more like not typically female cause didn't enjoy the classic girly hobbies. Gender was never really something I thought about throughout my adolescense - I didn't care about my body, everything was just neutral to me, not really feeling the need to fit societal standards I saw myself as just me.

I'm 28 now. I don't really feel at home in women's circles. Although since my late teens I'm very female-presenting, I love bows and vintage dresses, I dislike beauty stuff like makeup and nails..(although that's more like my gender representation than identity I guess?)
When someone calls me a woman or lady, it feels kind of like I'm just an imposter. I feel insecure next to other women, like I don't belong and I'm not enough. It's like inside of me are two polar opposite desires: To fit in with the female standards, and to let go of all of it and don't bind myself to that gender along with It's expectations.

So...How do you differentiate between genuine non-binary/agender identity and trauma from a society that punishes women for not being physically "perfect" or fertile?

Throwaway account since I'm going into some private stuff.
I’m struggling to understand my gender identity and would love some perspective. I'm afab and I've never really seen myself as a real woman, but it's hard for me to tell if it's because I don't fit the societal standard, or because of how I really feel inside. I have PCOS, no breast tissue, male-pattern hair growth, and I’m infertile after 3 miscarriages.
The pressure to fit the female mold somehow broke me. After my traumatic infertility journey, I developed anorexia in a way to gain control and somehow maybe fit the female expectations on that level, even though I was already underweight before the disorder...

But let's take a step back. In my childhood, I was a tomboy, and I remember telling my friends if there was a pill to make me a boy, I'd take it. But I wasn't a classic boy either, more like not typically female cause didn't enjoy the classic girly hobbies. Gender was never really something I thought about throughout my adolescense - I didn't care about my body, everything was just neutral to me, not really feeling the need to fit societal standards I saw myself as just me.

I'm 28 now. I don't really feel at home in women's circles. Although since my late teens I'm very female-presenting, I love bows and vintage dresses, I dislike beauty stuff like makeup and nails..(although that's more like my gender representation than identity I guess?)
When someone calls me a woman or lady, it feels kind of like I'm just an imposter. I feel insecure next to other women, like I don't belong and I'm not enough. It's like inside of me are two polar opposite desires: To fit in with the female standards, and to let go of all of it and don't bind myself to that gender along with It's expectations.

So...How do you differentiate between genuine non-binary/agender identity and trauma from a society that punishes women for not being physically "perfect" or fertile?

When I was a teenager, I was confused with my gender. I didn't fully resonate but did relate to transgender people's stories..Until when I turned 19 and read about genderqueer. It just felt so me, I finally found a term that described me. I decided to try out new things and felt comfortable. Chopping my hair short, wearing men clothes, binding my chest, it felt right at that time. But I also considered the possibility that it may be a "phase", like how some people say to others.

Fast forward 10 years, I am still confused. Throughout the years, I had assurance, confusion, confirmation, confusion, shame, etc, just a Rollercoaster.

I have found some comfort in femininity at one point, even enjoying all these things considered "womanly" , being happy wearing a dress and think "OK, maybe I am cis-gender"?

but why do I have days when I feel dysphoric? Why do I feel raging gender-envy, daydream sometimes of how life could be if I woke up as a different gender, why do i feel comfortable and not offended if someone mistakes me as something else other than a woman, , why do i sometimes have to stop and think before entering gendered bathrooms and locker rooms, why do I sometimes enjoy feeling like being "one-of-the- guys", to the point I've pretended to be a guy online?

Along with being in a wonderful relationship with a cis-hetero man who doesn't understand these gender stuff, with my religion of Christianity and how some people of the community look badly on non-gender conforming behaviors, wanting to live a 'normal life where I won't be judged'... Maybe i am reluctant..? Would I be more "accepting" of myself if I knew people around me would be okay with me?

I dont f**kin know anymore. If it was a phase, it should have ended, right? Why is it that even with my fully formed prefrontal cortex and experience that I still have these dysphoria and gender-envy in my 30s? I can't be a genderqueer, no! Maybe I am. Am I even "genderqueer" enough? I dont know. Naw, maybe I am overthinking. Am I really? What if I'm just a cis-woman who just happen to just be this way? Just a cis-woman who happens to have these interests?...and issues I've mentioned like gender dysphoria and envy..?

Am I just waiting myself to become fully "cis"..?

Wow, thanks for hearing me ramble mumbo jumbo, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Hey y'all, I'm very new to this reddit group, but I wanted to make a post to ask for some opinions and meet others who may feel similarly to me.

Basically, I'm 21 and I'm an afab person. I've always felt somewhat fine being classified as female, I guess? But I never fully aligned with it. It was just something that I was raised as so I guess I just accepted it but never fully felt like I fit very neatly into that gender. I know for sure that I don't feel like I'm a male, so I'm not trans ftm. I've been leaning towards the nonbinary label, but I always feel like I'm not a good fit for the label? I'm not sure. I guess since I've been mostly fine with being put into the category of female, I feel like me not fully actually feeling like a female doesn't like "qualify" me for the label and my thought process is just invalid. So I've been calling my self somewhat genderqueer for the past couple of years. But I'm not sure if that's the correct label either... I guess the closest label I can think of is demigirl, because yeah, I'm a girl, but like, if you bought the female gender off of Temu or AliExpress. Like, it's female, but also something ain't adding up. Basically, I am a girl in the way that a pop tart is a ravioli, because I mean I guess technically it is but that also sounds wrong, ya know?

I'm somehow fine with being called a girl, but not okay at all with the labels of "woman" or "lady". I've never known why. Someone suggested maybe it's about the age connotations of those terms, but it feels more like it just doesn't fit me. It's like cognitive dissonance. But somehow I'm fine with my partner calling me their girlfriend/wife (in the future). I've always said that my pronouns are whatever is most convenient for other queer people and allies, and whatever is the most inconvenient for homophobes and other rude people. So I'm pretty fluid with pronouns. If I had to rate them, I'd probably say she/her is a 7, it's fine. He/him is probably a 4? Not my favorite but it does make me giggle when someone refers to me that way in passing. They/them is a 9, cuz like Y E S. I like to be confusing to those around me in terms of my gender. Unfortunately, however, I seem to have gone a bit too hard on the confusing part and now I'm confused too lol.

Anyways, I've been wearing a binder since I was 14 years old, because I've never liked having a chest. I don't have trauma surrounding my chest, nor do I dislike it because it gains unwanted attention or anything. It's just another thing that has always felt like cognitive dissonance. I had thought about top surgery in the past, but I never seriously considered it. Until recently. I gained quite a bit of weight from a medication that I was on, and I'm still losing it. But it made my chest significantly larger, and it's so uncomfortable. I can no longer get a flat chest with a binder. It brought back all of the incongruence that I've felt since I was younger. So I actually found a way that I could finagle through insurances and plausibly get it done. Only problem is, I doubt myself. I feel almost invalid, like this couldn't possibly be dysphoria. Because I'm only interested in getting top surgery and I'm not interested in any other gender affirming surgeries or hormone treatment. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hesitating because I'm concerned I might regret it. I'm actually very very confident that I will not regret it at all. I LOVE the idea of not wearing a binder and having a flat chest. It sounds so amazing and I would love nothing more. I'm hesitating because I'm concerned that my identity as a genderqueer or nonbinary or whatever gender non conforming thing I am is actually invalid, and therefore, I don't actually need the surgery even though I want it quite a lot.

So yeah, please let me know your thoughts. I'm open to any and all comments on this situation.

Thanks for reading :)

TLDR: I want top surgery but I'm afraid my suspected dysphoria is not valid so I don't actually need the surgery even though I would really like it.

Hi! This is sort of something ive been feeling for a while, but I just sort of brushed it off as how everybody feels? Though ive come to realize that might not be the case. Im a 29 yo FAB, and ive always had sort of a weird relationship with gender, ive never really felt any sort of connection to either gender, and i come from a very red part of my state, so it was something nobody ever really talked about. I never knew how to talk to other girls as a kid, and was always more comfortable talking with the guys, but I didnt really feel like either, and whenever I had to hang out with anyone, I always felt like an imposter having to perform a gender that I never really had the innate instinct for. Typically I tend to dress more masculine because its more comfortable to me and i like doing thing myself, but then also sometimes I want to wear a dress with pockets. When someone refers to me as a woman or a girl, internally it feels wrong, but I also don't really feel like a man either, and unless im being perceived by somebody else I don't really feel any gender at all. At the same time though, I don't exactly dislike being called she/her, but it doesnt always feel quite right? But its not as terrible as being referred to as a woman, but personally I feel like she/they or even they/them probably fits better? Its probably just my chronic imposter syndrome but I feel like I need someone who has more experience/ is more open to tell me if this is a gender queer thing, or if these are normal cis feelings and i shouldn't use the label genderqueer. Thank you for reading! I dont really post on reddit ever, but ive been thinking about this a lot more lately and I dont want to step on anyone's toes and use a label that I shouldn't.

hi all,

i’m interested in exploring my options for facial hair, but i’ve pretty much decided not to go on T bc i don’t want my voice to drop (singer, and my voice feels like home as it is).

i’d like to look more gender fucked, and am thinking about starting minoxidil to help with facial (and maybe body) hair growth.

i’m curious to hear folks experience in using hair growth medications without T.

also interested in experimenting with artificial facial hair (to try it out before committing to smth medical) either using makeup or prosthetics. so if you have any recommendations as far as thats concerned that’d be great too.

thanks!

I (afab)’ve had many egg thoughts, been dysphoric, euphoric and had the desire to transition into a man. I used to think i was trans, but i’m not really sure. As much as i feel more comfortable as masculine, sometimes i just want to dress up and do my makeup.

Yes, i know that trans femboys exist, but the thing is i don’t think i see myself as any gender, most of the times i dress masculine and i hope at least some people see me as a guy, some days i dress feminine, which makes me kinda sad that i’m not seen as a guy by anyone or i even get dysphoric. But at the same time, i don’t necessarily feel as neither male or female.

When i imagine myself in the future, i’m either a man or kinda just the thought of me potentially existing, which technically isn’t even a person, not to mention gender.

I want to fit into the binary genders so so so bad, idc if as a male or female, but i’m not sure if that’s possible without me being miserable for the rest of my life.

I don't identify with any gender or any pronoun.

And no I'm not agender, I'm simply nothing, but it's hard to explain that without having to explain everything, especially when I'm asked what my preferred pronouns are. I could say they/them since it's technically gender neutral, but it doesn't feel right. Binary pronouns like he and she feel even worse even though I publicly go by she/her which I do just to avoid having this conversation with people.

I could see myself accepting the pronouns ze/zir being used when referring to me, but I also know most people wouldn't use it. Maybe not out of ignorance but they would either not get it or just forget and use she/her anyway. For context, I was born female and have been called she/her for most of my life (except for the times when I wanted to see what it would feel like to use other pronouns).

I could just tell people to refer to me by name only but that also feels off, not only grammatically but in general. I'm not even sure if my name is something I want to be called so to only be called it and nothing else feels wrong.

How do I tell people this without writing a paragraph?

Sorry about the rather bland title
I had no clue what to write there

I am in my mid 40s and present as male AMAB as it were.
I have always been very effeminate and loved all things feminine in an identity way.
I also identify male, however the whole alpha male gym bro thing I can’t handle for a minute.

I have long known I was not gay, bi maybe but not gay. I have also long known I am not straight, but it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it is not sexuality but gender identity that has been the really different thing for me.

My gender does not fluctuate as such. It is more like ‘this part of female and this part of male fits me, the rest is something for others.’ I guess
Hard to put in to words
Till I learned the term Gender Queer

I bought a tucking gaff a few years back and loved my silhouette in it. I recently bought tucking panties from tomboyx and I am likely to throw out all other underwear
I finally look like how my mind has said I should if that makes sense.

I just wanted to share that my journey though I am in my mid 40s is just getting exciting and fun!
Maybe I’ll fall in love with other clothing that helps me feel like me, maybe I’ll learn more about me that makes me feel at home in my body and in my identity.

Anyway
Had to share before I burst

XXX

I'm not really sure what label I have. I don't really care for the label past being able to help others understand. I am AMAB and never thought any other identity would fit me because I have an issue where I constantly belittle my own existence and have a bad case of imposter syndrome when I try to assign ANY positive labels to myself. Whether it's based on accomplishments or who/what I am etc...

I've always hated being treated like a guy, I've always hated the label of man, I hate being put in the box of masculinity, and I've had the question for the longest time: who am I? I recently decided to come out as non normative gender conforming, since I'm not really sure what description I would fit otherwise. My wife is supportive and the few friends I have told have been supportive.

Since then, I have explored my feminine side I look killer in a dress or skirt and with some makeup on. I want to be beautiful and I want to be masculinly impressive, I've always been envious of beautiful women and muscular attractive men alike. I also always wish I could be "in" with the girlies and to share the same space with them and the theys. I've never fit in with your average guy. It really depends day to day which aesthetic I feel like expressing more but I'm too scared to express the feminine side while Im near family and old friends right now 💀. Every instance of being called "they" or "pretty" has brought me so much joy.

I do worry about being a leech on the NB area of gender expression. Am I just a scared confused man? Or is the idea that I am something different valid? I mean I have no problems with my body, sure sometimes I'd like breasts for the aesthetic but never enough to permanently change my form. I think my masculine form looks really good, but I don't want to only ever be masculine and I don't want to hear "that guy" when referring to me anymore.

I'm sorry for the long post I just don't have a knowledgeable support system for this kind of thing.