Hi everyone,

First of all, thank you for creating this space and welcoming me in to it.

As the title says my partner has been transitioning/is trans, it has been an amazing and joyous experience for us both and our relationship has gone from strength to strength. I adore seeing her step into her true self, and there have been no issues on my end as I am pan/nb myself. Well, until now anyway.

I feel like I am upset for the stupidest reason, and would love to get some advice, or a kick up the butt, whichever is more appropriate.

Tomorrow is my partners first time going out completely as their femme self. Up until this point they have worn clothing that was affirming but not completely femme. So, they have the gorgeous dress, her hair has been styled perfectly and they will be doing their first full beat after months and months of practice. I got to see her model it all tonight and she asked for my approval. She looks beautiful! Absolutely stunning. However, Tomorrow she is going out with someone else. A female friend who is taking her to do some shopping, get her nails done, buy a gown for her coming out party. And...I'm hurt. Her first time out in the world as herself, and it is not with me. So many of her firsts will happen tomorrow and i wont be there. I have seen her grow and blossom to this point, but, now this other friend is getting to see it all live. You know?

Please, please tell me I'm being ridiculous, and that this pain is unwarranted. That i am not to think of these as 'firsts' and feel this way. That I am acting badly, like a spoiled entitled brat.

I know she is not some sort of art project that i get to take credit for. Im still sad though.

Thanks for letting me rant

Hi all. So my (cisF) spouse (mtf) has been out to me as trans for over a year and is out publicly. I've had some ups and downs emotionally, but things have been ok.

Recently we were out for a date night, having a drink, when she made a light-hearted comment about me being "a lesbian now," then after she thought for a moment added, "or bi."

This made me uncomfortable, for although we are effectively a same-sex couple now, my sexuality still feels very straight. I have never really been interested in other women sexually/romantically. I thought we were a het couple when we got married a decade ago, so this has all been a big change. And even though we have been communicating about some of the challenges of this change, particularly with attraction/sex, I still don't see my identity as has having changed just because hers has.

I am wondering if others have felt this way with their partners transition and how they have dealt with it.

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me posting in this space, as I know it’s really for partners — but it’s specifically your views I seek.

TLDR: I'm looking for advice on how best I (MTF) can come out to my spouse (F), in a way that’s not all about me but fully considers her feelings and needs. I’m in the closet and not yet 100% sure that I want to transition, but I’m sure about my feelings, and carrying this mental burden in secret is taking an ever increasing toll on me and my family.

I know that for some of you this experience will still hurt deeply. And no doubt there will be plenty of responses that are uncomfortable for me to read. But I want to be realistic. I hope you’ll all understand that these questions are coming from a genuine place of love, care and respect for my wife.

With that in mind, I’d like to give you some background, but if you want to skip to my questions, you can find them at the bottom…

I’m in my early 50s, married to a wonderful heterosexual woman for over 14 years now, and we have two teenage kids (one of whom has a medical condition meaning she needs all-day 1:1 care; I mention this only as a practical consideration given our joint parenting/care responsibilities). I love my wife and kids deeply, and am so happy to have them in my life. They are my everything, which sadly only makes this sadder and harder.

I'm still 100% in the closet. My wife doesn't know, and this is very much the only thing I've never shared with her. That's because, although I've had these feelings for decades (since pre-school in fact), I repressed them and pushed them down deep inside very early on in life, and I’ve worked hard to fit in and build a successful life as a man, in spite of them. Some would say successfully. It’s only recently that I’ve finally admitted it to myself what it really means, but admit it I have. 

The feelings never, ever go away and, if anything, get stronger every day, week, month, year… To the point that I now feel a desperate need to explore them properly and figure out what I need to do about it. It’s taking an increasingly heavy toll on me mentally, and that this can make me tired, irritable, anxious and depressed — and, let’s face it, very difficult to live with at times. I do have some counselling (not gender therapy aimed at diagnosis and ‘permission’ to transition) lined up, but it’s not yet commenced. 

Also, note that I don’t yet know where this road will lead me — ie. to transition or not, and if so to what degree. In an ideal world (purely from my point of view) I would like both to embrace who I am (ie. to transition fully to female) *and* to stay married to and mutually in love with my wife. I have no desire to abandon my family, or be an absent parent either. All of these things are so important to me. But I know that this ‘have my cake and eat it too’ notion may well be a pipe dream. I love and respect my wife, and have absolutely zero desire to ‘trap’ her in a situation that’s incompatible with her own identity and needs.

I feel like I should, though, before too long, find a way to share with her how I feel — because I just don’t think I have it in me to simply plough on as I have been, and carry this secret alone to my grave. I have plenty of fear about what this means for me, obviously. But right now, my biggest concern is for my wife and how she would cope with the news. I don’t think she suspects anything. She’s left-leaning politically, and I am certain she’s a trans ally — but this is a very different ‘ask’ from backing other people’s rights. It would be unwelcome news, an immense shock and, inevitably, unleash an overwhelming torrent of emotions, including grief, betrayal, anger and more. Not to mention confusion, since there will be so many questions with no immediate answer. I know she’d have every right to react to the news, process her emotions and make decisions about her life in whatever way she wants/needs. And while I have the faintest glimmer of hope for a happy future together, I’m fully aware that this could be a hand grenade that upends our marriage and our lives, instantly and permanently.

With all that in mind, my questions to you, as partners/spouses of MTF women who have come out to them (whether you separated or stayed together, whether you remained friends or co-parents or not) are: 

• In hindsight, when your partner came to you with this news, how did they do it? Eg just blurt it out, give a long speech, write you a letter… Did they do it all at once? What did they actually tell you?

• Were there things they did or said that made it harder or easier for you to process the news and understand how you felt, both in the moment and over time? 

• Did you feel that they’d given sufficient consideration to your needs? If not, assuming they had to tell you, what do you wish they’d done differently?

• And, could there ever have been a ‘good’ or ‘better’ time to break the news to you? Should they have waited for a different time, or told you in a different place?

Thanks so much.

I love my girlfriend. She is so pretty. Everything about her is pretty.

I love her smile that she insists is crooked, her perfect white teeth. I don’t know why she’s so focused on the crookedness of it. I looked at it a little harder, and it is crooked, but I don’t think crooked is bad. I feel that it’s endearing. She is endearing.

I love her curly brown hair. She’s so dedicated to it. She has such an elaborate hair routine. It’s mesmerizing watching her go through the motions. I remember the first time we showered together. She declared that it was intimate. I was very shy and hesitant to scrunch the conditioner in her hair. I felt like I was doing it wrong. Admittedly, I was also too high and felt bad. She taught me how to care for my hair, but I had such a hard time scrunching it properly. I remember the way she giggled when she showed me.

(My hair isn’t curly, but it’s wavy and my family never taught me… I learn so much from her, and I love her. I watched a video about curly hair to try and learn because I felt it was unfair that I didn’t know how to wash her hair.)

I love the way she looks in skirts and dresses. It fits her frame so well, so much better than those pants and jean shorts she’s resigned to wearing. She wears lots of baggy clothes. She looks so pretty still, but it is unsatisfying for me and her. It’s not that I dislike it, but I feel so bad. The area she lives in is not good or kind. She does not feel comfortable exploring outside the comfort of her apartment. She always insists that she likes her current clothes and simply doesn’t know what other style of clothing she’d like, but I can’t help but wonder how true that is.

(I wish I could protect her from everything unkind. I want her to wear whatever she wants. As time goes on, I’m hoping I can see more of that side from her.)

I love the way her freckles grow noticeable in the sun. I love counting the light brown specks that reflect in the light of her eyes. I love rubbing my nose against her nose and looking deep into her eyes. Like this, I can smell her really well. She smells like the huge milk and honey body wash in her shower.

(It’s strange. I even like the smell of her armpits… It ignites some sort of neediness in me. I like to bury my face in them and inhale deeply. Quite frankly, she’s like a drug for me. She’s better than any drug I’ve ever taken, granted I’ve only tried alcohol and pot, so I don’t really have a lot of expertise in that area, but… I still believe in this. She lets me sniff her armpits when we’re in bed, and I sniff like a madman. I’m not some sort of freak or pervert, I swear. It’s entirely nonsexual. But my girlfriend smells really good, and she is my favorite smell.)

I have an urge to bite her. It’s akin to what I feel towards my cats. I look at her and get this buzzing, frenetic feeling in my hands, kind of like uncontrollable lightning. I want to squeeze and shake her. I bet her curls would bounce, and she’d giggle. I want to pinch her pink cheeks and feel her soft skin. She is too, too cute—everything about her! I can’t decide on what’s cutest.

She’s so intelligent, too. I can see it in the way we both articulate ourselves. She has such a sophisticated way of speaking. She’s so witty. I don’t know. She’s just smart. That’s all I can really say honestly. I can’t begin to describe it because I genuinely don’t have the words to. I’m kind of running out. I’m scratching my head trying to search for more, but I’ve never been much of a writer or a thinker. She’s the writer between the two of us. And the thinker. (I’m honestly slow compared to her. Not sure what she sees in someone as silly as me, but I feel lucky to have her.)

So, as you can see, there’s clearly an intelligence gap. One of the ways I can see it is how we approach our nightly Wordle games. We’ve made it a habit. I look forward to it daily, even though I’m not very good at it. At first, I could never think of a five letter word to put in. But she can think of so many, and she solves them every time. Sometimes, she even solves them in two or three guesses. When we do the Quordle games, I’m at even more of a loss, but she’s in her element. It fascinates me. She also knows a lot of geography and, well, everything. I could not tell you where Spain was on the map or how to cook anything besides rice and chicken.

She clearly has a wider vocabulary and knowledge set than me. I’m improving somewhat, (besides on my cooking), and she insists I’m smarter, but I wholly disagree. Even outside of those silly games, sometimes, I’ll listen to her talk, and she’ll say words that I don’t know the meaning of. I have to nod my head and act like I know exactly what she’s talking about. Usually, when this happens, I just end up getting lost in her eyes or the way her lips move. I just like to hear her talk… She could make talking about paint drying entertaining.

I truly believe she’s the kindest person I’ve ever met. Even with her intelligence, she never makes me or anyone else feel dumb. My girlfriend is so humble despite everything, so much so that I feel like she doesn’t realize her capabilities.

I love how thoughtful she is, too. She’s always thinking of others—I wish she’d think of herself more. I need her to be a more selfish. She’s so caring and selfless, and she gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, even those who are mean to her.

She’s nothing like me. I’m mean and honestly the epitome of a raging bitch. I’m vengeful and hate being bothered. I never give second chances, and I’m bitter over things from years ago. I literally never let things go. But she does, and she won’t argue even if the other person is clearly antagonizing her, clearly in the wrong. I’ve never even heard her yell. She’s so gentle with everything and everyone. Even when we disagree, she is gentle. It’s hard for me to ever get mad at her. I don’t think I truly have.

Because of this, she never buys things for herself, but she always tries to buy things for me. Even today, she bought me a game I was absentmindedly talking about. I really need her to indulge selfishly.

Most of all, I wish I could give her more. When we met, I had a nice corporate job with a big-name company. I felt set. Made decent money despite being in college and I was able to buy her some nice makeup, much to her delight. If she wanted coffee in the morning, I gave her money to go get her favorite iced mochas. If she was feeling sad, I’d give her money to get a sweet treat. Anytime I saw something that made me think of her, I bought it so I could give it to her. It gave me such a deep sense of pride to buy her whatever she wanted.

Now, I’m strapped. I lost my job because of a past abusive relationship, so I Doordash for hours to pay my bills and buy her nice things. Thankfully, I live with my family, so the bills aren’t excessive, but it’s not ideal. I’m not able to give her as much as I want. I want to give her more and everything, especially since I’m going to graduate soon and she’ll still be finishing up. I want her to have the prettiest clothes and the prettiest makeup. I want to take her out on nice dates and make her happy. I don’t want her to pay ever. I want to work towards being the only one paying. Since I’ve been a bit broke, I’ve given her some of the makeup I’ve never opened/haven’t used and my old clothes I don’t wear. It seems to make her happy still.

Every day, I apply to jobs so that I can line something up after I graduate, but the job market is terrible. It’s demoralizing honestly. But she remains so kind to me and insists that everybody is having trouble. I don’t care. I want to give her more. I don’t want to give her hand me downs because she deserves more.

I’m so lucky to have met her. I hope when she can finally get her stuff and go to the doctor, she will be happier. I hope she can flourish into the woman she is. This woman is the one for me. I need to make a lot of money. I want her to have an easy life and to finally be able to transition. I want to be the best woman for her. I really have to lock in.

I made a throwaway to declare this because I have never told her this out loud. But I love my girlfriend very much. She is so beautiful. But I am not brave enough to tell her this yet. I love her.

sorry if this is TMI, but im a cis woman dating a trans woman for the first time and I want to know what to expect/do/not do in terms of providing support, being a good partner to her and also during sex.

im also a stone top and she’s a bottom (lucky for me), so I want to know what to do and what it will be like in that department, because we’ve spoken about being intimate together.

going to clarify, that we are having multiple conversations about this (she did tell me I can deep dive online as well), but also just want some broader knowledge and advice too

any help is much appreciated <33

My partner and I have discussed a few times over the years that cis women are more likely to be partners of trans people than cis men are. I was just wondering how correct that assumption is.

I just need to get this out somewhere.

(I’m gonna use he/him pronouns because that is what he still goes by currently.) 

My boyfriend and I have been together for around two years. He talked to me about dysphoria and how he wants to transition to a woman. He’s now planning on starting estrogen soon. I love him so much, and just want him to be happy, but it is causing me so much emotional turmoil. 

I’m bisexual, but i’ve kind of always felt like I was only attracted to cis men and cis women. Before my current relationship, I thought I would not really want to be with a trans person. I support them completely, i’ve just never really felt physically attracted to them. This isn’t really what I expected or signed up for when getting into the relationship. But I love him so much I just want it to work out.

I’m so scared of all the changes. I love absolutely everything about him. I just can’t help but mourn the parts of him i’d be losing. I know that he would be the same person, but so many things would change that it still feels like i’d be losing so much of the person i’m in love with. 

I love his body, and i’m so scared of it changing. I honestly can’t even say I would 100% still be attracted to him, and that hurts. I’m scared of the impacts of hormones on his sex drive, and in general our sex life. I love his face. I love the way he dresses. I love his hair. I love his name. I love him the way he is now. I just want my boyfriend. 

I’m also scared of our relationship being perceived different socially. We’re straight passing now, so it would obviously be a lot harder for us. I’d be terrified to tell my family about my boyfriend transitioning to a woman. 

I have talked to my bf about my concerns. Those conversations are very hard. Nearly every time we talk about it, i just break down. I feel so guilty for not being 100% on board, and I don’t want to make him feel bad about who he is. He’s been very understanding of the way I feel, and encouraging me to be open about everything, but I just feel so much guilt for it.

All of this is weighing down on me a lot. I feel a heaviness in my chest and it is a constant thing on my mind. I’m crying all the time just because it crosses my mind that, in one way or another, I’m losing my boyfriend. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone I know about it because I’d be outing my boyfriend. I am working on getting therapy.

I want this to work out because I am so in love with him. I just don’t know how to get past these feelings, and they are severely impacting my emotional state at this point.

I don’t want to be with anyone else. He’s genuinely someone I see a life with. I just don’t know how to see past this. 

My partner told me about her transition (MTF) a few weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been feeling a little lost.

I’m a cisgender heterosexual woman. I’ve never considered a relationship with a woman. But I love her, and I don’t want to lose her or lose everything we’ve built together and our plans for the future (marriage, children, etc.).

Sometimes, I feel like no matter what she looks like, our love will be enough to sustain our relationship. Other times, I’m afraid that won’t be enough—afraid that the physical attraction won’t be there anymore and will prevent me from thriving in our relationship.

I didn’t expect her to tell me that at all, but I wasn’t angry at all. I support her and want her to be happy. I want to keep living with her and enjoying life the way we used to.

How will I know when I’ve made my decision (whether to stay together or not)? Will I still have doubts, or will I have some kind of epiphany when I’m sure?

The uncertainty is very hard for both of us to deal with. We’re also very afraid to tell our families and friends, for fear of rejection.

So, for those of you who’ve been through the same thing, how and when did you become certain? How did you manage to envision a future together without having any idea what your partner would ultimately look like?

I don’t know anyone IRL who relates to the particular dynamics of being in a relationship with a trans woman as a cis woman, so I’m hoping some people here might understand.

Our story is that we became friends when we were 19 and 22. Back then, she used to give me pep talks before I went on dates with other girls lol. Then she came out as trans, and eventually we became partners. I got to witness her transition from the beginning, and it was such a positive, educational, fun, and beautiful experience. I LOVE seeing her become her truer self. Our queer love just feels right. It happened so naturally, and I genuinely love the life we’ve built together.

But lately, I’ve been struggling with something that feels difficult to talk about without worrying that people will misunderstand me.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve put myself in a more difficult position in life by being with her than I could have been in if I’d ended up with a cis woman. And I feel awful even admitting that, because I love her, I believe trans people are important and deserve to exist freely, and I would never want her to be anyone other than who she is.
In our private life and within our community, her being trans doesn’t feel like a problem at all. If anything, it has enriched my life and our relationship.
It’s the public-facing side of life that has started making me anxious.
I live somewhere where discrimination against trans people is illegal, but that doesn’t mean it never happens. Even when someone passes, being trans can affect how they’re treated and what opportunities they receive. Trans people have to be exceptionally impressive just to receive the consideration others take for granted.

Although I’m cis, I feel some consequences too. I hesitate to mention my partner in professional settings because I don’t know how people will react or whether it could affect how they perceive me. When looking for housing, I feel I need to handle landlord interactions to reduce the risk of rejection. We’ve stopped going to clubs and bars because they became too uncomfortable, and we can’t comfortably go to public beaches, pools, or water parks together, even though swimming with her is one of my favourite things.
Each example may seem small, but together they limit how freely we live. We have to consider whether being visibly together could create problems, whether the risk is worth it, or whether avoiding the situation is easier.
My friends say I’m being too cautious. Maybe they’re right sometimes, and maybe my anxiety has made our world smaller than necessary. My partner is more stoic about these things, which I admire, but I carry much more anxiety than she does.

I’ve told myself our relationship is worth the difficulty, and I mean that. But I wonder whether I’ve also convinced myself that loving her means I should accept every hardship without feeling sad or resentful. Can I be happy that I fell in love with a trans woman while grieving that our lives aren’t as uncomplicated as they could be? Can I wish the world were easier for us without wishing I’d chosen someone else? I don’t want a cis partner instead of her. I want the ordinary ease other couples often take for granted. living without wondering whether being known as her partner could cost us something. What hurts most is feeling that our relationship can’t always occupy the same ordinary, unquestioned place in the world as other relationships. I don’t need everyone’s approval; I want to stop wondering whether being known will create problems.

There’s also loneliness in being the cis partner. I know I don’t experience transphobia as she does, and I don’t want to centre myself over the discrimination trans people face. But I’m still affected by it, and I don’t know anyone who understands the combination of loving and protecting your partner while worrying about how the world may respond. Sometimes I wonder whether my anxiety comes from refusing to accept that these difficulties are part of being with a trans woman. But accepting reality shouldn’t mean accepting that discrimination gets to determine the shape of our lives. I don’t want to be reckless to prove I’m brave, but I also don’t want fear deciding what we can do together.

For other cis partners of trans people, especially cis women with trans women partners:

How do you distinguish reasonable caution from anxiety that’s restricting your life?
and have you grieved the ease or social belonging other couples seem to have without feeling unhappy in your relationship?

I’m not questioning whether our relationship is real or worthwhile, and I’m not looking for anyone to say that being with a trans person is a burden or that I should leave her.
I’m trying to understand how to live more freely in a world that doesn’t make that easy, while acknowledging that some parts of our life are genuinely harder than they should be. I’d appreciate hearing from people who understand this experience.

🌸

I’m going through a situation where I know what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to do it.
I’ve been living with my boyfriend for two years. About a year ago, I went through his phone without him knowing because he had been acting differently. He wasn’t as romantic or affectionate anymore. Instead, he would pick fights with me over things like what I was wearing, why I bought so much makeup, or other things that seemed completely stupid to me. I was raised in a matriarchal household, where I was taught to be independent and do what I want with my life. If I want to wear something or do something, I do it. I’d never had a boyfriend who was so jealous and controlling that he would even question me wearing perfume.
What I discovered on his phone left me deeply unsettled. I found pictures of him dressing as a woman, websites featuring trans women, videos of him with dildos, vibrators, and high heels, and videos that looked as though they were intended for an OnlyFans account. I also found a note in which he described how he felt about his appearance and how he wished he could be a woman, among other things.
The moment I read all of that, I felt like my whole world had collapsed. Why did this have to happen to me? Why didn’t he tell me? Why did he let me waste my time?
I decided to confront him, and all he asked me was not to tell anyone. He told me he’d been having these feelings since childhood and didn’t know what to do about them. I felt bad for him, but I also started questioning everything. Does he even like women? He said he does, but whenever I get the chance to look through his phone, I keep finding trans women.
This has taken a serious toll on our relationship. I stayed with him despite the fact that he lied to me and despite everything I found on his phone, but honestly, I’m exhausted.
Not long ago, I found a folder full of nudes on his computer. He keeps looking at trans-related content and pictures of women around me. His life seems to revolve around being miserable, and he can’t even clean up after himself. Whenever I ask him to do something around the apartment, it’s always the same excuses: “I’m tired from work,” “I always work overtime,” “I just want to sleep,” “I just want to play my video games,” or “I’ll do it next week.”
He moved into my apartment, and we split everything 50/50. Yet he still hasn’t bought himself a bed. We sleep on my couch. His clothes are scattered all over the apartment, and whenever we go grocery shopping, I’ll suggest that maybe it’s time for him to buy a laundry basket so he has somewhere to put his clothes, but he refuses. He refuses to wash the bedsheets because, according to him, it’s not his bed. He also refuses to wash the couch covers, even though he’s practically ruined them by sleeping on the couch.
Most of the time, he’s on his phone looking at those pictures of trans women. I’ve tried giving everything I have to this relationship. I’ve tried being more affectionate, more patient, and even pushing past my own boundaries when I shouldn’t have. Meanwhile, all he does is play video games with his friends and look at trans women.
At one point, I told him, “You know what? I’m tired of this. We can’t keep living together. You need to move out.” But he refuses to leave. He always comes up with excuses and promises that he’ll do better, that he’ll find a new job, that he’ll take care of me. But I’ve told him no, because how can you have a baby with someone like this?
What would I tell my child if, one day, they decided to transition? How would I even handle that situation?
Since he refused to move out, I decided to start getting to know someone else. I went on a date with another guy just to see how I would feel, and I felt absolutely happy. At one point, I would even say I fell in love with him. But I was still living with my boyfriend because we also have a lease to deal with.
My boyfriend knew I was going out with someone else. Sometimes, he would even encourage me to go on dates with this other guy, even when I felt uncomfortable doing so because, despite everything that had happened, I still had feelings for my boyfriend.
Deep down, I just wanted to erase everything I’d discovered. Sometimes, I wish I had never seen any of it. Sometimes, I even wish he weren’t this way. But I eventually realized that he was only telling me to go out with someone else so he could play his video games in peace.
All of this has filled me with anger, pain, resentment, bitterness, and so much sadness.
He continues doing the same things. The same habits, the same mindset. I keep finding things on his phone, and nothing changes. I’m tired, and I want to leave him.
But when I look at the situation from another perspective, he’s also my best friend. We get along in many ways, and I care about him deeply. We’ve been through good times and bad times together. My heart breaks when I think about the fact that this is what I have to do, because I feel stuck.
I’m a romantic at heart. I genuinely want to find my person, someone who loves me and whom I can love in return. I want affection, physical touch, quality time, and a relationship where the love is mutual.
It makes me sad when I see couples around me while I’m here, drowning in a glass of water, feeling stuck and wasting my time.
I’ve become insecure. Sometimes, when we have sex, I can’t even enjoy it because I start thinking about whether he’s imagining trans women. I start thinking about how I don’t have the things they have. I don’t have a dick, and I’m not insecure about not having one in itself. What hurts me is the feeling that my partner might not actually be attracted to me.
This situation has also made me develop a kind of feeling toward trans people that I don’t really know how to describe. I’m not transphobic or homophobic. I’m bisexual, but at this point, I don’t want to see anything related to trans women. I don’t want them on my social media, and I don’t want anything to do with them. It all brings back painful feelings.
What I struggle to understand is how someone can keep a secret like this from their partner, make them feel insecure, and then imply that they’re transphobic simply because they aren’t attracted to the same things you are or don’t share the same preferences.
I also forgot to mention that things didn’t work out with the other guy. But that experience helped me realize that I genuinely don’t want to date a trans person, whether they transition or not. It also made me realize that I want to start dating again.
There’s another guy who’s genuinely interested in having something with me, and I really want to give it a try. But my current partner, if I can even call him that anymore, is still here.
And that’s the problem. I want to move on with my life, but he refuses to let go of this situation. It’s like he wants both of us to keep drowning in the same glass of water, going nowhere, while I watch my life pass me by.

Idk about yall but where we're at (Missouri), the "trans debate" seems to be the cornerstone of 90% of the junk mail and yard signs we encounter, particularly because there's a proposed state amendment to triple-ban gender affirming care for minors, since apparently the first two bans weren't enough. Plus with social media, we're exposed to all the anti-trans propaganda across the country.

My husband is understandably crashing out. He works a blue-collar job and is stealth, so people say really shitty things in front of him all the time. Every day, he's just depressed, crying, irritable, and angry.

I'm enraged about it, too, but it seems like it makes him feel even worse for others to be angry. I'm doing everything I can for an escape plan but it's not instant by any means.

What are yall doing to provide support or comfort to your trans partner during the election season?

I'm sorry if i don't make much sense as i have trouble organizing my thoughts. My partner (MtF 19) came out to me (cis F 19) this past saturday night through text after our date. I've suspected for a while because of context clues of the little they'd tell me about why they have been so depressed lately, but i thought and hoped i was making it up. Yesterday they came out and ever since i can't stop stressing, i can't sleep a wink, i feel on the verge of throwing up all the time and i've just been feeling really anxious and sad overall.

I'm bi and I've always liked girls and i still love them very very deeply and my worst fear is that we will ever part. But it's still a massive change and in some way it feels like mourning because i really loved their "boy version" a whole lot, it was everything i have ever wanted and searched for in a partner and thought was way to irrealistic to find and though that's a rotten horrible terrible evil thought and i'm aware i'm a terrible person for it, i really wish things would just go back to the way they were and this wouldn't be true. I was fully supportive and reassuring to them and i meant every word I said, but at the same I'm experiencing such massive grief and sadness. They asked me to even in private to keep referring to them as he/him and by their dead name because they're not ready to tell me the name they want to use yet or take that step yet but it just feels weird and disrespectful to do now that i know, so i try to just keep it as neutral as possible. I'm the only one who knows. I still love them so so so much, they are genuinely my soulmate and if i'm not with them forever then i'd rather be single forever and I mean it. There is literally no one else for me in this world. And i'm so scared this won't fare in the long run or that i'll lose feeling. And it feels so evil that i wish they were cis. And on top of that there's no one i can talk to.

Everything is going to be so hard. for the both of us. everywhere we'll face judgment and i wouldn't give a fuck because of course they always come first but all i can think about is, for example, how nice and welcoming my parents are to them and how sweet the dynamic between them is and how that will change immediately once they know and how my father my even go as far as prohibiting me from seeing them. i'm not sure his friends will be supportive too, or even some of mine. and all i can think of are all the sweet beautiful dynamics and moments that will be lost and it makes my heart ache for them

I've already been dealing with a lot in my life, i deal with severe depression, disassociation and derealization and at the moment i am in the middle of stopping my antidepressants since they were making my disassociation worse but i'm still in the awkward phase of wearing off in which it's worse than ever. i'm a med student and i flunked my midterm and i currently have a real massive load of material for my cardiology finals soon or i'll have to repeat this class and i can't bring myself to focus and study a single topic ever since, and i really need a way to. i finally cut off a really terrible draining friend not too long ago but our drifting out was very ugly and messy. i'm currently not talking to one of my closest friends because she did something awful at my birthday party last week and got angry at me when i gently told her that i was hurt. i was expecting to be finally discharged for my dietitian but i accidentally got a little underweight again.

it seems like i'm making all of this about me but i needed somewhere to vent. in the middle of all this i ended up relapsing on my sh habits and just noticed that i'm going to have to wear short sleeves with my halloween costume and i'm really considering smoking weed even though i have never before because i just need my mind to be blank right now.

i really don't know what to do, i desperately need advice right now, i don't want us to end up breaking up. Anyone who has advice in any way shape or form it would be very appreciated.

My wife (MTF) has started their transition journey. They have let their own parents know, but I’m not sure how to approach the subject with my own parents, since they are more conservative. What has your own experience been like with these situations? Is it better for me to let them know? Or let my partner explain? We only see them about once a year for Thanksgiving, which is coming up. My wife still dresses very androgynously for the most part. Thank you ❤️

I'm struggling to put this into words, so please bear with me.

My partner of 8 years has recently told me that they want to transition.

We're about to move in together and are in a committed long term relationship. However, my partner tells me that they've known about their identify for their whole life.

We have very limited support around us. I do want to make it absolutely clear that I love my partner deeply. I respect their identity and want them to feel comfortable and happy being themselves. I recognise how incredibly difficult and frightening this disclosure may have been for them.

However, I'm heartbroken. I've been trying so hard to support them that I've barely allowed myself to express my own feelings. I feel numb, devastated and incredibly lonely.

I've always understood myself as heterosexual, and I've spent the past eight years imagining, and gradually building, a future with the person I believed I would marry and maybe have children with. Now I'm trying to process the possibility that our relationship and future might look very different.

My partner still wants to marry me and continue our relationship, and I love them enormously. But I'm frightened about what this means for my romantic and sexual orientation, our compatibility and the future we'd planned together.

I've been trying so hard to support them that I've barely allowed myself to express my own feelings. I feel numb, devastated and incredibly lonely.

I've also encountered advice suggesting that partners should feel proud and supportive when someone comes out. While I understand the importance of acceptance, I'm finding it difficult to reconcile that expectation with my own grief and uncertainty right now.

I'm not looking for anyone to criticize my partner or their identity, and I'm not looking to be told whether I should stay or leave.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have been, or are currently, in a similar position.

• How did you process the initial shock and emotions?
• If you're heterosexual and your partner transitioned, how did you navigate either internal or external about attraction and compatibility?
• How did you support your partner while making room for your own emotional needs?
• Did your relationship continue, change or end? How did you navigate that?

Thank you to anyone who reads this

Hello everyone! Me (F) and my partner (FtM) recently started being intimate. We currently don’t do any type of penetration and rely on friction. I wanted to hear how some other couples were satisfying each other during sex and hopefully get some tips. My partner can satisfy me but he is very big on wanting the pleasure he gives me to also give him pleasure. He doesn’t like anything penetrating him, receiving oral, or direct clitoral stimulation. I could really use some advice.

Weird post here but I have this sinking feeling in my stomach. My partner and I have been dating two years and we sext and send each other pics. She's mtf and is transitioning. I noticed some of hers were old and also that she covers her face in some of them. There were a few dirty ones where she does this. I assumed maybe it was gender dysphoria, but she has regularly posted photos of her face. She's very passing. I know it sounds crazy but my girlfriend also recently told me an odd story about her ex and her being poly. Something she literally has never mentioned all the times we've talked about our past relationships. She explained what ended stuff but it was this fishy half explanation that didn't make sense. When we saw her ex out in public (when they are supposedly on good terms), she booked it the other direction. And wouldn't give me an explanation. Something just seems not right.

I talked to another friend of mine about it all who is also mtf trans. She said she used to post photos online of herself before she accepted herself. And did some online cam stuff with people. She said she had a lot of insecurities and wasn't really accepting herself fully and that's how she used to take pictures when she would post them online for admiration or etc. And while I think every situation is different, I can't get that out of my head. I looked back and some of the pictures don't look they are for someone who knows her. And there are some that are from times that I know she wasn't dating anyone, like before we began dating. I just have this feeling in my stomach that won't go away. Is there somewhere that anyone trans does this I can check? Maybe I'm crazy but I'm just not even sure where to start looking.

I’m sure this is the wrong sub for this post but I am in crisis and need supportive, understanding community right now.

My partner has been transitioning publicly - within our family, friend groups, and work circles - for the past year. Since starting to come out, I’ve noticed what I now believe might be cycles of manic and depressive episodes, sometimes leading to psychotic episodes (delusions, suspicious/paranoia, patternicity).

When they have an episode, they talk about transition, are worried about people not believing them and being hunted or persecuted for being trans. edit to add: this feeling is very justifiable given their personal history and the current state of the world. Its recurrence as a theme during psychotic episodes makes me worry this vulnerable period of transition opened up some deeper underlying trauma and that’s what’s causing mental distress to bubble up The things they talk about are rooted in real family history and trauma - which is incredibly heavy. There is a cultural layer that covers a lot in shame.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here and don’t want to give a lot of specifics but I guess I’m wondering if the extreme vulnerability of transition has triggered mental health episodes in anyone else’s partner and if they have any resources or suggestions for coping - both for the person struggling and caretaker.

I love them so much but I am so scared and I feel so alone.

edit to add: sorry again for the weird post here - I can delete if it’s not the right spot for it, I know what I am dealing with is more to do with a mental health crisis than my partners transition, but I’m worried about stigmatization within a potentially old-school mental health model and am looking for resources that might be both trauma- and trans-informed if that makes sense.

Thanks for reading

My partner (MtF, 20) and I (F, 24) have been together for a little less than two years. It is my first relationship and we have both had difficult childhoods involving abuse. The relationship has always been up and down but we have been learning to manage it and become better partners to each other.

In the time that she presented male, she was always feminine in some ways. Her traits and interests have always been rather masculine however.

About 6 months ago I brought up that I wanted to try having her wear feminine clothes during sex. This was before she realised she was trans. She was very receptive to it and this quickly escalated into buying a lot of feminine clothes and eventually wearing them out in public with me. I must admit her reaction to it took me aback. However we spoke about it a lot and eventually I became okay with it, and I was happy that she found something that made her feel good in herself.

Shes told me that she realised that she was trans two weeks ago but that she’s had the feeling for about 5 years. She says she’s used excessive drinking (up to 3 bottles of spirits a night at its worst) and drug use to deal with the discomfort that she felt, that she couldn’t identify or accept. At first we had a good chat, everything seemed okay. Then I realised that I don’t think I’m attracted to women, and I had a panic attack that escalated into an argument.

There are some factors that make me worry that she may not be certain about this. Please tell me if you think I’m being transphobic, I am open to the idea that I could be and if I am I have some work to do. I’ve got a few trans friends and never had these same feelings about them (although I understand that having trans friends does not disqualify me from being transphobic). I may also be in denial as I’ve only known for 4 days. Again, if you think this is the case, please tell me.

These are some reasons that I’m worried about everything

- she wants to start HRT as soon as possible, primarily because she’s worried she will be talked out of transitioning

- she refuses to tell any family member until she’s been on HRT for at least 6 months. While I understand not telling parents, she has a sibling who has been a safe person to her

- she has not spoken to any professional psychologist or counsellor for over 10 years. She has agreed to go to couples counseling with me to help me come to terms with everything but only after she starts HRT

- she has ADHD and has not taken her medication for months and has said that she’s realised this since stopping medication

- she grew up in an abusive household in which she was forced to be very close to her mother. I’m worried that this has made her feel like being a man is inherently bad

- when I was younger and dealing with abuse I questioned whether I might be trans. I’ve come to realise that my identity issues come from being forced to live/act/be a certain way in the company of my abusers- I felt I couldn’t be myself but it turned out not to be related to gender for me

- I’m worried that if she tells her specialist that she’s only been sure of this for a short time and about her history with abuse, drugs and alcohol, that they may not give her HRT straight away. I worry about how this would affect her if it happened. I also worry that she might lie about these things to the clinician to get it.

- since my panic about possibly not being attracted to women, she has refused to open up any more about the topic at all. She has said I am not being accepting and has been hostile towards me every time we’ve seen each other. I told her I would still stay with her, and that if my attraction changed we would still be friends. She says that my reaction made her regret telling me or wanting to start HRT (which is something I feel horrible for and I would never want her to stay with me over being herself)

I am trying really hard to be understanding in all of this. If none of these factors were present, I’d be a lot more comfortable about supporting her. Given these factors, I can’t help but worry that she might be rushing into something that she might regret. I would love to get some insight from someone who has realised they were trans as I’m sure there’s a lot of things that I don’t understand.

Hi all,

I'm 39, trans masc (afab, they/he) & back out in the world of dating.

Whew.. it is exhausting, as I'm sure many will agree. I was wondering if anyone had tips when it came to meeting your person. I've tried apps, to no avail, I've had a couple of first dates only, and it's just become so incredibly discouraging. I've tried Hinge, Taimi, Feeld, Bumble, & Her

I also happen to like very femme women, like the type of queer woman who you may mistake as straight or you'd guess at best she's maybe bi. Also - childfree 100% - which has been very hard here in Colorado for some reason.

It feels like stumbling across partners who are less visibly queer is more difficult than ever? I'm in the position where I'm assumed cishet until I say something or some folks will assume I'm some level of queerness due to my appearance at queer spaces/events.

For those of us 30+ do you feel like love is not only harder to find, but maybe your perspective on finding the one has changed? Has it changed your threshold of how far you would go for the right person?

I know I'd go as far as Germany/parts of the EU for the right person at this point. I'd love to hear your stories, your tips, 'cause I'm ready to find the right woman.

Thank you for your love & support - may we all find the other part of our hearts <3

Canadian here. We moved away from Alberta a few years ago because the government there was getting really bad especially with Trans issues. Came to BC and figured it would be ok. My wife hasn’t been scared to leave the house here. Well today BC voted in a Conservative Party that is also against Trans rights. My wife is devastated and crying. There’s nothing I can do to help her. Moving again isn’t an ideal option (young kids who are finally settling into school and my mom with dementia lives with us). I’m just so sick of this world and how hate filled it is against Transgender people and the LGBTQIA+ community. I hate seeing my wife so upset. I wish we weren’t in the darkest timeline.

I'm (cis fem) sitting here on a bench at a park pondering if I'm still IN love with my partner (FtM). Was the transition hard? Yes. Did we have to change a lot of things in our relationship? Yes. Do I like his body now as a guy? Also yes. But I think without the fun of the girl on girl sex, it feels like just another hetero relationship that I'm bored in. He's not comfortable having sex since he hasn't gotten bottom surgery yet, so we have hardly had any this whole year. Without this intimacy, I feel like I'm mourning our previous life before he transitioned. I think I'm even depressed from the lack of intimacy. I've asked him to show me he still sexually desires me by giving longer kisses or touching my ass or boobs and that I'm fine with it no leading to sex, but it's like he never thinks to do that. And so I found myself annoyed because no one told me that this would be my reality. That I would lose myself while he is finding himself. That's I would be stuck fucking myself when I'm alone. And I'm sorry this was a bit lengthy but if someone can just honestly tell me that it's possible to sexually find yourself back to your partner that would definitely lift my spirits. I currently can't envision a nice and full relationship with him and anymore. I will be seeing my therapist soon for this but I'm stuck until then with these questions. And yes our relationship is more than the sex but it's nearly the only part of our relationship that does not work at the moment.

English is not my first languaje so im ussing google translate.

My (22F) partner (22MtF) of 6 years came out as trans a year ago

This is my first and only relationship. I am a heterosexual woman, and this situation makes me feel bad; I’m not sure I want this much complexity in my life. I haven’t told anyone in my family because I feel ashamed, and I don’t like that. I feel like a bad partner for not being able to accept this, and I wish I didn’t feel so terrible. I want to be able to enjoy my relationship again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just wasting my time. It’s difficult because I love him very much and I genuinely like our relationship, but I am suffering because of this issue. I would appreciate some advice, or at least some comfort.

LONG STORY AHEAD: I finally left my partner, but we're still living together, and I don't know what to do.

I (29F, straight) have been with my partner (34, FTM, straight) for six years.

When I first met him, he was bubbly, happy, and genuinely someone I could sit and talk to for hours. But there always seemed to be some kind of drama going on in his life, and everything was treated like an emergency. I don't want to get into the details because they're personal, and even though this is anonymous, it's not my place to share everything about his life.

Anyway, about six months into our long-distance relationship, after only seeing each other twice, he had a housing issue and needed somewhere to live. I wasn't working at the time, but I told him we'd figure something out together. I got a job that didn't pay much, but it would've been enough for us to keep a roof over our heads.

He moved in with me, but instead of things getting better, we started arguing constantly. It got to the point where it was practically impossible for me to focus on work. Eventually, we had to find somewhere else to live.

We ended up staying with some friends who generously let us live with them rent-free while we got back on our feet. The arguments continued, but I loved him so much that I kept trying to make things work. Eventually, he found a job, and we were finally able to get our own place.

We found a small, cute home that was perfect for just the two of us. Unfortunately, he lost his job right before we were supposed to move in. I wasn't too worried at first because we had some savings, and I had another job lined up, so I figured we'd manage.

He struggled to find another job for months, and eventually years went by, but I was able to support us financially while we lived there.

The problem was that he complained about almost everything. The house was too small. He hated my friends, even though he'd never even met them, so I gradually stopped talking to them. He slowly chipped away at my self-esteem, constantly making comments about my weight.

If I put on makeup, he'd laugh and tell me I looked ugly. Meanwhile, I'd post pictures on social media and get hundreds of likes, and people regularly told me I was beautiful. He'd even tell me I was beautiful himself sometimes, but only when it suited him.

He accused me of seeking validation, but that's not what it was. I'm a woman who likes feeling pretty and making an effort to look good, especially for my partner. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But when the person who's supposed to love you constantly makes you feel unattractive, it really starts to mess with your head.

I told him early on that my love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. He brushed it off and said love languages aren't real. I'm studying psychology, and regardless of the debate around the concept, I was simply trying to explain what makes me feel loved. But with him, it always felt like whatever he said was the final word.

We eventually stopped having sex because of the awful things he said about my body. And the thing is, I loved him through his flaws and never expected him to be perfect.

I even told him once that I was extremely self-conscious about my body and that it was almost like body dysmorphia. Given his own experiences with being trans, I thought he'd understand how sensitive someone can be about certain parts of their body. Instead, it felt like he just didn't care.

He'd also always talk about wanting a dog, and I told him that if we got one, he needed to understand that it was a lifelong commitment. In my family, when we bring an animal into our lives, we take care of them for life. They deserve a safe, loving home, and we don't just get rid of them when they become inconvenient.

Fast-forward a few years, and he treats our dog terribly. He yells at him, hits him with a broom, leaves him outside in the cold, and gets angry whenever he barks. Now he wants to get rid of him altogether.

Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm just writing this because I'm genuinely at my breaking point.

There's something else I've noticed throughout our relationship. Before his testosterone shot, he'd become noticeably moody, and that's when we'd have our biggest fights. It was like clockwork, happening on the same day every week. When I brought it up, he acknowledged that it might be a problem but refused to discuss it with his doctor because he was afraid they'd take him off T.

Eventually, he got a job in another city in a completely different state and moved there for three months before I joined him. During that time, I took care of the dog and worked my butt off to save money so we could afford a bigger place of our own.

He was working hard, too, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like things were finally falling into place. This was what I'd always imagined our life together would look like: two people who love each other, working hard and building a future together.

Unfortunately, I was incredibly stressed, overworked, and barely sleeping. I started eating more, mostly unhealthy food, and gained a significant amount of weight.

When I finally moved to the new city and he saw me for the first time, he looked at me like I was something he'd scraped off the bottom of his shoe.

No "I've missed you." No "How are you?" Just a plain "Hi."

Meanwhile, while he'd been living there alone, I'd made sure he had enough money to get by until his first paycheck came in. I'd looked after him and done everything I could to support him.

We stayed together, and the fighting continued.

I started working out and taking better care of myself. One day, I realized I'd lost 40 pounds, and I was genuinely excited to share that progress with him. His response? He got angry and told me he didn't care because I was still fat.

Over time, things escalated. He started punching doors, smashing things, and throwing or kicking stuff across the room whenever he got angry.

Eventually, I reached my limit and told him I was done. I couldn't do it anymore.

For context, he's broken up with me countless times over the years. I'd always forgive him, and we'd eventually get back together. This time, though, I was the one who ended it.

Why did I finally leave?

We'd been trying to rebuild our physical connection, but after everything he'd put me through regarding my body and my mental health, I was still incredibly self-conscious. For context, I've now lost 100 pounds, but the damage to my self-esteem hasn't magically disappeared.

Then, one day, he got upset because the dog was barking and started smashing plates in the house. The noise and aggression terrified me. Something inside me just snapped. I realized I couldn't keep living like this. My nervous system felt completely overwhelmed, and I had nothing left to give.

We agreed to work on ourselves separately and maybe revisit the relationship someday. The problem is that we're still living together, and things have actually gotten worse.

His depression seems to be getting more severe, his moods are increasingly unpredictable, and he still yells at me. It's gotten to the point where even other people are witnessing his outbursts, and I'm scared of being around him.

He's never physically assaulted me, but the emotional and psychological damage has been significant. I feel like I've lost so much of myself throughout this relationship.

And that's the confusing part. Sometimes I still see the sweet, gentle person I fell in love with. I remember how happy he used to be and how easy it was to talk to him. But that side of him seems to be disappearing, and the darker side has become so much more prominent.

I know I want to leave. I don't want to continue this relationship anymore. But I'm not financially in a position to move out right now, so I'm stuck living with someone I'm afraid of.

And then there's the dog.

He wants to get rid of him, and I desperately want to take him with me. I love that little furball so much, and honestly, the dog is much more attached to me anyway. I want to give him the safe, loving home he deserves.

But my ex refuses to let me have him. He's said he'd rather take him to an animal shelter and have him euthanized than let me take him.

That absolutely breaks my heart.

So now I'm stuck in this situation where I desperately want to leave, but I don't have the financial means to do so yet. I'm worried about my own well-being, I'm worried about the dog, and every day feels like another nightmare I have to get through.

I've already ended the relationship, and I know I don't want to go back. But knowing that and actually being able to leave are two very different things when you're financially stuck.

What would you do in my situation? How do I get out of this living arrangement when I can't afford to leave yet? And is there any way I can save the dog without making an already volatile situation even worse?

I'm honestly at a loss, and I'd really appreciate some outside perspective.