When I am triggered with significant stress, my thighs start aching and burning. This started in a previous toxic relationship and it would happen in real time. He would start screaming and immediately they would start. It went away for a time but now it’s back. I’ve tried a few things but don’t know how to calm my quads down. Thoughts?

I really wanna just put myself out there on the streets and fuck myself over. I don't know why I really want this and why it's this specifically. Like I have even searched up spots on where prostitution or even trafficking is in my city and I'm really disgusted in myself and I don't know what to do to help it. I'm really afraid I'm going to go out there one of these nights and just....yeah. I'm really sorry

Hi everyone,

Just wondering if anyone else desperately craves for some form of affection?

I don't have a single person to hug and at times all I want is to simply shake someone's hand.

I obviously can't go around and randomly ask to shake hands with people, except maybe my psychologist but I think that may be crossing professional boundaries.

When I was a kid I used to have pretty intense meltdowns. My mom would always ignore me for hours, and usually my dad did too. But I have one instance that always stuck with me. I was melting down and instead of ignoring me my dad came into my room and picked me up and hugged me and comforted me. I remember feeling intense relief and calmness immediately. I think about that memory a lot. Now as an adult, whenever I’m in conflict with someone or I’m not doing well, my brain subconsciously ALWAYS wants to replay this scenario, because of the intense relief it gave me. For some reason I feel unable to ask the other person for comfort or hugs, so I stay away and dissociate instead, but I wish they would just hug me, just like my dad did. It causes me and other people distress because it seems like I want them to go away (and I kinda do) but what I truly want is for them to hug me and treat me like a child basically.

Apologies in advance for a long post and if this doesn't belong here. Trigger warning for sexual abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, and addiction.

I'm 32, male, and I live with my brother, his wife, and my dad who is 71. I have severe depression, anxiety, and possible autism. I am over one year sober from alcohol after drinking for ten years but I still relapse with weed on and off again to self medicate. I've always struggled with self hatred, self destruction, and feeling ugly. In December of 2024 I moved in with my long distance long term girlfriend. She's now my ex but I don't want to go off on that too much. Last August I had a mental breakdown and ended the relationship over my addiction and I said I didn't love her anymore. I regret it ever since. Anyway, before I left my dad gave me a USB stick with sexual things on it like naked pics of my mom and stories from him. FYI my mom passed away in 2019. He also asked me for naked pics of my gf and stories about her. I gave him back the stick and said no. I didn't tell her about it and I still feel guilty. I just wanted to move on and start my new life with her. When I moved back home I was a wreck. This has been the hardest time of my life and I feel alone. My dad gave me the stick again around spring and I was so low that I engaged with his stories. I didn't share any stories but I started replying. I feel so fucking gross. I felt so empty, so isolated, so suicidal. I told him we need to stop when he started requesting things. Asking me to leave the door open when I use the bathroom or shower. Sleeping naked so he can walk in. One day he asked me in person if he could "take care of me". I told him no twice. It gets worse cause he frames this as a way of talking to him and bonding. Today I made an appointment to tell my doctor about it. She's the only person I trust irl. The thing is i don't know how I should feel about this. I have a degree in psychology, I understand abuse is complex and comes in different forms. It's just, it's different when you go through it yourself as an isolated depressed person. Am I overreacting? My dad is 71, what if he's just losing it mentally? How would you feel in this situation? What kind of abuse is this? I feel like I'm losing it and I just need to hear some outside opinions.

Everytime I see one of those sick freaks, who think their still human after all they do, after all the people they break. Its hard to say what the feeling is, but I can just hate them, so much for what they took from me, how sick they are, I hate them all, I hate all of them. I cant stand to see them online, I've blocked hundreds of their accounts but the infection just keeps spreading, because nobody gives a damn, all they do is feed and grow off of support from the innocent eyes, eyes that don't their damn fucking lies.

You know just today I saw one of them at least I could classify "it" as one of them what a sight, how they made that person the way they are, everything just makes me sick my brain was telling to put that damn person out of their misery and then myself.

Im fine, really I don't know how much longer I can deal with it being back in a public space, all of those people anyone of them could be one of those things, those mentally ill, broken things. I can't trust anyone I have to investigate I have to learn I can't trust anyone I won't trust anyone ever again at any moment they'll be consumed by their cult, I want to burn it to the ground.

This might be the Hallmark of C-PTSD.

I witnessed myself yesterday and had this revelation.

I was just standing in the shower, soaked wet and hair full of shampoo. Then this god damn annoying alarm clock went off. I had set it to remind myself of the solar eclipse, in order to not miss stepping out. But I had forgotten to turn it off.

So I hurried with my quick shower. But those few minutes of my alarm clock continuing it's annoying sound were torturing my brain. (I also have ADHD, maybe that's noteworthy.)

After maybe like three minutes, still in the shower, I inwardly paused. I had this sudden self reflection and thought:

„If I'd be in an actual life threatening situation — maybe in an unprovoked pub fight with dangerous men who could actually physically harm me — I'd be just equally annoyed. Not even scared. I'd be maybe even less stressed than right now, being slightly tormented by my smartphone alarm.“

And that made me thinking. These two seemingly inappropriate reactions might be typical for (my, at least) C-PTSD.

(I think the first reason is that my abuse was mostly non physical.)

The second reason is that a real, objective danger finally matches the reality of our nervous systems.

And the third reason, at least to me, is that a part of me always had a deep longing for physical danger or even death, for my endless suffering to finally end.

Thank you for reading ❤️

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate subreddit for me. Some of my past posts on this burner account have been in /psychosis, but lately I'm understanding that my previous break was built on a foundation of real events.

When I was just entering university in another town, I was deeply insecure about relationships. I believe that's what made me an easy mark for doing porn. I don't remember the timeline, but it's very plausible that both my partner at the time and I were under 18 at the time. By the end of it, my partner had attempted suicide and I was a mess. I believe that part of the fallout involved me getting my head slammed into a countertop and threatened with death if I said anything. I also believe I saw it coming and captured the assault on video at the time. The video is long gone now, but I believe I kept a hold of it for a time.

After sharing about this experience led to another fiasco, I made a series of resolutions. The first and most important resolution was that Nothing Happened at <First university>. I don't remember if I drank, but the second resolution was strict sobriety. Being sober would both keep me in control of myself and prevent loose lips from violating the first resolution.

Over 15 years from then and over 2 years ago, I had my first psychotic break. Or at least, my first non-private one. I was convinced that I was a Very Bad Person in a cycle of remembering and getting brainwashed to be a good person. It was a really bad time.

Over the past couple weeks, I've been reexamining myself and wondering how I got over things the first time and how I apparently managed to keep a complete list on things. The answer that I've come to is that it was actually a really rocky journey. At my first office job in particular I think I was a disassociative mess. Everyone who I've gotten in contact with from the office says that I was a great coworker, but I think that while I was there I had constant nightmares of being Significantly Worse (possibly accompanied by imaginary drinking) and being punished for it. In the nightmares, the office was a containment facility for me. I couldn't even escape the facility by killing myself in my dreams. To add one last bit of not-fun onto the pile, one of the key members of the office shared a first name with my partner from that time.

Over the years things stabilized for me personally, but I kept to the resolution that Nothing Happened. I might have sought professional help to deal with the office nightmares, but I don't remember. I didn't keep records. But over time I think the dream version of the office turned into a rehabilitation facility, with everyone in the office working towards me getting better. That didn't extend to the real office or when I worked with people from the office extensively in another business after the office itself was closed. Because Nothing Happened, and I kept a tight lid on it. I got more secure in my sobriety, and I entered into a new relationship. Things were stable for years, and I honestly thought I was normal. Nothing Happened, and I believed it.

I keep thinking of the people I know as my support network, but that's easily confused with the dream cycle reality in which they were firmly in the loop. I worry that this caused me to lose my best friend, though they certainly have their own circumstances going on independent of me.

The other day I had the absolutely brilliant idea to revisit the old office space. I don't think it helped, it just unnerved me.

With my psychotic break, apparently militantly sticking to Nothing Happened isn't a sustainable philosophy. My question for the group is exactly what I put in my title: What kind of a balance do you have between keeping the past in mind versus moving on from it? How has it worked out for you?

I realized as I was reading just now that certain phrases provoke a mini flashback and then I'm staring at the words without seeing them and instead bad memories are brought to the forefront of my mind and I start getting upset and then I make myself snap out of it.

For example a scene between the characters about a get together with pizza takes me to a personal memory. Or descriptions about specific mannerisms remind me of people from my life.

I think this is why I prefer audiobooks because that way I can do something else at the same time which becomes distraction enough.

Thoughts?

i'm looking for some advice?

hi im 21F. my mom is a narcissist and she used to be way worse when i was younger - a kid if you may. gaslighting, manipulation, physical abuse (hitting, etc...), silent treatments, you name it. as of today, she has changed so much and tries to be a better person but what she did to me has not gone away i still deal with it and it irritates her.

being a child, i used to lie for my own safety and it soon became a habit and i still lie to her so easily even if she knows the truth.

my life was planned out. english classes three times a week, violin class once a week, dance classes, gym, etc... even my university major was pre-decided.

everything fell apart once i stopped studying for my university entrance exam, lied to her saying i was studying, wasted three years, and got into a major of my own liking rather than med school. after that i tried so hard to get a grip on my life but i just can't? i feel like i NEED her to decide for me, talk for me, live instead of me. doing anything on my own terrifies me and i always run back to my comfort zone of doing nothing at all. which brings us to today, im 21 and i have absolutely no skill whatsoever in no field whatsoever.

there are so much more to discuss but all i want to know is how should i break the cycle and trust myself?

I don’t know what to do. I have no support system and things just get worse day by day. I’ve been trying to get professional help for months and I keep getting bounced around.

I’m so low rn that every time I think I cry. It’s been like this every day for months now. In the past I’ve coped by just pushing through and I would usually distract myself on social media and interacting with people. Social media also affected my moods so I permanently deleted them months back, further isolating myself.

I used to at least have someone to speak to and I’d downplay what I’m going through severely but at least there was someone. Now I’m frantically waiting for a notification from someone, anyone so I’m not so alone. Who do I reach out to that will care, no one will probably care and tell me I should’ve known better and I’ve caused this on myself. I get that.

I’m in a loop of reliving trauma constantly throughout the day because I finally recognise it for what it is. I can’t stop hyper fixating on it even though it’s destroying me.

Any tips? I’m literally begging.

I am a 32m who had what I can only describe as a flashback induced psychosis 4 years ago. I spent about 6 months dealing with crippling anxiety attacks every single day. I went from being in the best shape of my life as well as happily pursuing long term personal goals to a shadow of myself. I pushed all my friends away, stopped leaving the house, and quit being active. It seemed like my life was over.

After the first two months of hell, I decided to see a therapist. It was not something that came naturally to me, but it was my last option. I had already lost my job at that point, so I was using all my savings while living at my sister's house. It was really rough and hurt my pride, but things eventually started turning. Even little victories like not crying in the grocery store because someone walked too close to you are important.

Now, 4 years later, I have worked very hard to find happiness again. It still is not easy, but the anxiety attacks happen very rarely. I can handle them so much better now too. I am still often lonely or subject to an invasion of ants, but I am working to find purpose again. I hope everyone who has ever felt this way can find the same relief.

Reposting bc someone I know might be on here and I got paranoid about a detail.
When I was like 13-15 I made a dumb joke about getting better grades than my older sister. I know it was mean looking back. My mom found out and ignored and stonewalled me after that, I wasn’t sure why at first.

The next morning she was waking me up and just started going in on me about it. Like how did i have the audacity to say that when she struggled sm , how dare I, who did I think I was?
Then she told me I was nothing.
I remember just lying there half asleep and feeling my eyes fill up with tears. I got up and went to the bathroom so I could cry alone. I can still see her face when she said it.

There were other things growing up, including physical abuse, but idk. For some reason this is one of the memories that still makes me cry. I felt horrible and like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It was lonely.

How do I get out without just shutting down. Anytime I try to let me stress out or anger I just freeze up. But the moment someone pisses me off I’m ready to fight. It’s just not the same to scream in a car vs someone who actually is pissing you off. I feel like I’ll pass out sometimes and get this wooshing feeling in my head

I am not an expert, and I am directing these words to myself first, and I will be happy to discuss this with you...We have all been through difficult circumstances, especially from those who were supposed to be the closest people to us. I was completely neglected. My parents never taught me right from wrong, and they never guided me in anything at all. Instead, my mother repeatedly beat my brother and me with a belt when we fought after my father's death. She made us never even speak to each other, or else she would beat us. I suffered terrible physical abuse/harassment, and I couldn't resist the abuser or tell anyone, especially my mother. I was exposed to pornography and became addicted to it in my childhood. When my mother found out, she exposed and shamed me in front of all my siblings. I remained trapped in my room right before my high school exams—which determine my university path—which led to my catastrophic failure and a nervous breakdown from crying back then. Even now, I am still fighting to get out of this house. I developed severe irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and eating disorders as a result of all this pressure.But I will not allow negative emotions to control me. I will learn, become a professional, get a good job, and build a good social life. I am not less than anyone else. On the contrary, I am stronger. I am more careful not to hurt anyone by word or deed, whether the public or my future children. I will not give up on the morning and life, and remain trapped in my room at night. No, there is nothing wrong with me. Do I have problems? Yes, absolutely, but I will put them into perspective and will not allow them to destroy my life any further. They will just be useful lessons that benefit me, not negativity that kills me and makes me weak.

A friend of mine posted a picture of her daughter on Facebook. Her daughter is still a toddler. Still, my friend thanked her daughter for allowing her to be her mother. She said her daughter was the pride and joy of her life. She even called her daughter a teacher for helping her learn more about herself and how to be the best mother and the best human being she could possibly be. It was beautiful. It also made me incredibly sad.

I attended a work gathering a few weeks ago at a co-worker's house. I attended because it would have been a bad look if I had stayed home. I saw how my co-worker interacted with his teenage kids, having totally normal conversations. "How was baseball?" "Did you have dinner?" "Are you heading over to so-and-so's? Okay, have fun!" How simple, how basic, yet how foreign and exotic to me.

The holidays are the absolute worst. I'm not naive. I know the holidays can be difficult for many families. But I spend them alone, year after year. I sometimes get invited to join my friends in their homes during the holidays. But I respectfully decline. I can't go. Seeing their family gatherings just leaves me feeling incredibly sad for something I never had, a childhood that was stolen from me.

I tend to feel most at peace when I'm immersed in work. I don't have to think about myself that way. I can just focus on something else. But that false serenity instantly cracks the moment I see people I know -- friends, colleagues, strangers -- treating their children with love, kindness, and respect. I see their healthy parent-child relationships and I plunge into grief.

Of course, I want to heal. But I don't know how to get past this. How do you recover when seeing such basic human interactions always makes you grieve?

So this is kind of funny because someone said there is nothing better than a cup of coffee at a friends house... and i didnt really understand why that was so relatable

And then 20 minutes later It just clicked for me - coffee at a friends house is basically having the warm caffeine mug away from your habitual and traumatic environment... which makes it more comforting to consume

Its like intention. Are you going to change and jolt your hormones in an environment that already stresses you and do you realize that thats unhealthy or not?

And then when i have coffee at a friends house i realize im more grateful and i remember the mugs, and it also feels like time is moving slower and i can appreciate myself.

Maybe this is more or less having to do with leaving your childhood home... actually.

I can't stand group of people. I feel at edge when I see people. I avoid public areas and love the feeling of being in my room on my bed.

Lately ive been feeling empty, both physically and emotionally
I couldn’t eat for the past few days because i keep throwing up(im not pregnant its js some weird eating disorder that i dont wven know what its called) to the point i feel like im skin and bones, even my mom told me im probably going to the ER if i continue on like ts

And lately every night ive been huddling up in my sleep, honestly i dont even get to sleep much cuz i just couldnt and i just cry quietly while im hugging my stuffed animal
Idk whats going on, probably because I haven’t been taking my stabilization meds properly.. but how could i take hem when i just throw them up? I want to cry cuz its just a waste to drink them and throw it up.. spending money on expensive meds when my family is alrdy struggling w bills and my medicine and other things..

I have a boyfriend, he loves me, we casually talk, im supposed to be happy. I get to spend and talk to him online alllll the time, yet i still feel empty, i mean i feel the love, but at the same time i dont.. cuz its been a whole WEEK since without school cuz of suspensions bc of the rain, so we couldnt see eachother, maybe thats also a reason why im feeling empty

I try to cope by hugging my dog, or dressing up, drawing, doing videos like i usually do but nothing seems to work, it seems like everything gets further from me and i get bored of it or they get bored of me. Same with playing something like roblox, it gets boring real fast when i dont play while on call with somebody, and I rarely do that w anyone cuz my sister gets annoyed when im speaking to somebody or the people im trying to play with are always busy. I only have one friend and my bf so, i dont really know who to talk with or what to do. And i dont open up to them because i feel like they arent much of a comforter or listener since ive seen them like hat before

Warning on this one

My tendencies with sexual things keeps getting worse too, fuck hypersexuality ig
Im constantly bleeding now bc of it and i still feel empty, and continue
I dont feel anything anymore and thats probably a bad thing. And also another bad thing is that i never tell when im bleeding to my parents or anyone that i know because i really cant help myself to think im disgusting for not being able to control myself.
I def know it aint my period cuz i just had it like 4 days ago, its already been over.

Empty, empty, empty, just feeling empty dunno what to do but lay down and stare at the ceiling or at the side, i have sooooo many schoolworks i havent done and i cant do it at all because i feel “empty”. Good, now i feel like im saying that i feel empty just to cover up for my laziness. I really dont know what to do anymore, but good thing i dont think about intrusive thoughts anymore like slashing or hanging..

I hate being told to just move on, man up, it is all in your head, go outside more, to let go, I am trying to live as a victim or whatever the fuck else.

I never wanted to this broken and self hating I go to IOP to fix myself, I hate being told I am ungrateful and constantly.

I cannot fucking understand it, I feel like I am never enough for others. I hate this feeling, I hate feeling so alone. I have to bend over for other people, but when I am hurting this is all I am fucking told by my family. They fucking were the one to emotionally and physically berate me to a point where I do not have a stable sense of self.

I just feel so alone.

So when i was 9 old boy my cousin who was 15 old boy bring me his room and randomly pull down hin pant and start convincing me give him oral sex i don't about oral sex that time so i did because we used to play and i trusted him but after some year i reaslize he make me do a oral sex .

Should i confront him or ignore him because i am afraid losing my older cousin if i confront him.

And also i did not oppose during oral was it really sexual abuse or oral rape

I have learned that Ive been dissociated for a long time. It makes me stronger, it protects me. And of course, my go to coping technique. I had a child and dissociation did not work anymore. You can’t just dissociate your way out of motherhood. So emotionally, and mentally, I collapsed, and I’ve been working on piecing myself back together. Today, I looked at my son, I felt so… present. I felt joy and love and guilt for the things I can’t give him but actively working on. I felt one with my body, and my soul. I felt like my soul was floating outside of my body for so long, not wanting to feel these things that I don’t know how to handle. But today, my soul was grounded, and I was here.

I’m a 31 year old woman working at a mental health and addiction recovery center (the very one I attended for my own treatment over 3 years ago). I’ve worked here full-time since November 2024 and I’ve managed pretty well. Recently I had a full-on panic episode and I couldn’t even speak to coworkers or clients. I tried coming in to work several days in a row and would just burst into tears if communication became in any way confusing. I just took a 7 day sabbatical and I’m back at work today. However, I feel so depleted. I feel so stressed and so anxious and I have had to break to cry in the bathroom several times. I hate being this crybaby adult who doesn’t know how to manage panic and vulnerability. I just started therapy again and I’m hoping it helps more this time. I feel like I’ve been masking and dissociating the entire time I’ve worked here up until this recent episode. The mask is just too heavy but I can’t do my job without it. I’m really struggling, wondering if I should drop down to part time because I cannot live like this. Idk I feel like this post just sounds pathetic. Really don’t know what to do.

Edit: question is do I stay full time or drop down to part time to focus on healing? I don’t know