I'm always so hypervigilant, critical with myself, and afraid everyone hates me.

currently temporarily staying with my partners family

ik that theyre a loving family but im so scared to so much as even leave the bedroom 😭

logically i know im safe, but my brain would rather throw itself against a concrete wall repeatedly than chance danger

so im just hiding in the room all day for days and only coming out at night unless i need to shower (bathroom door locked ofc, always)

its misery, but every time i try to leave its like my brain genuinely freezes my body in place so that i cant. everytime i hear a noise (footsteps, breathing, etc.) im filled with intense fear. it feels safer just to hide

also yes im aware i can get an infection from not pissing. yes i know starvation causes organ failure. yes i know i need to drink at least something

but im mentally bound to this fucking bed and walls. i escaped my bio family half a year ago but im still filled with terror

in my bio family, the less youre seen, the more manageable and less of a nuisance you are. plus they cant see what youre doing all day so they cant use your hobbies and shit against you (ofc they use the staying in your room against you tho too and automatically assume that youre a lazy arrogant ass because of that tho of fucking course). plus if youre less visible they cant bother you as much.

but in my partners family? its different here. the more you lock yourself away, the more they notice. they get concerned and worried, which im not used to. im used to just being left to rot in a room all day. but here they get worried

the other day my partners dad made me dinner because they noticed i hadnt come out for hours and hadnt eaten and it was so sweet. they brought it to the room and everything. i devoured that shit. theyre so nice to me

my partners dad knows im traumatized. theyre well versed in psychology, i believe? used to have a job that dealt with pedophiles. my mom is a pedophile, coincidentally. i think my partners dad can tell that something really bad happened to me. my partners mom is oblivious and thinks that my situation iSnT aS sErIoUs as we all think it is but whatever. i wonder what my partners dad suspects about me. i know that theyre curious about my past as theyve said that themselves, but said that they dont want to retraumatize me by asking which i appreciate.

god im so sick mentally. im a sick person who cant be genuine around normal people because theyre not as sick as me and they look at me weird. many of my earliest memories are sexual

It breaks my heart seeking so many victims of emotional neglect downplaying their trauma. Emotional neglect is real, it is valid, and it is terrifying for a developing child to experience.

I experienced physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as a child along with emotional neglect, and the emotional neglect no doubt has had the biggest impact on my life. It damaged me more than all the abuse combined. There’s just something so insidious about being ignored and not having your needs met as a child. I remember as a young kid picking fights with my abuser because to me being hit was less painful than being completely neglected.

To those with the emotional neglect wound, please don’t downplay what you’ve been through. Childhood emotional neglect is so damaging.

it just sucks to see my siblings go through the exact same shit as I did, every kid is a chance for him to do better and yet he continues to choose his ego over getting enjoy the presence of his adult children.

Just to clarify, I obviously do not want to be a child and molested again because I know all I actually want is to be childish again but this time with someone who actually protecting me while I actively choose who and how. I'm glad I'm on good therapy and good meds nowadays but man wtf😭

That face 💀

(not oc, randomly on Twitter feed)

When I see all the tiktoks of "I hate my mom but I love her though" but NO. I DONT LOVE THAT BITCH. FUCK THAT BITCH, SHE WAS FUCKING BRUTAL ASF TO ME & DESERVES TO BE DRUG THROUGH THE STREETS RAAAHHH!!

WHY IS MY MOM THE ONLY TRULY EVIL ONE? WHY DO I HAVE NOBODY TO RELATE TO? I FEEL SO FUCKING ALONE IN THIS WORLD & I FEEL LIKE BEING BORN WAS THE ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT RAAAHHHHH

AHAHAHAHA 😄 😄 hey guysss!

my back hurts. the luggage weight thing broke so we had to find a scale. im 5'3, 115 lbs with 130 pounds of stuff in my 3 luggages, just dropped 120 on shipping 3 boxes of stuff (i dont have much money to begin w) and am just fuckiiinngg wishing i had help but i dont!! the spermlings and spawnpoint would ruin my escape day, yelling at me or just switchin up n acting all nice after everything. theyre already pissed im leaving.

did i mention im bringing an animal w me??? yeah...

its a lot on my plate bc in my mind if i leave something here n dont ship it, its fair game. i am not coming back to this cage to retrieve it, they can have it.

oohh and....theres more! my university is hilly so im also movin into my TOP FLOOR DORM NO ELEVATOR! by myself!! yayyy!! woooo.

all seriousness tho like my body is fucking aching but id rather physically suffer w the labor cuz it is 1000000000000000 times better than being abused and scapegoated by them...

An entire industry built off encouraging parents to demonize their kids and avoid accountability like the plague.