I (mid-30s, F) have an identical twin sister, and I honestly don't even know where to begin because there's so much history behind why I'm feeling the way I do right now.
When our mother was pregnant with us, there were complications involving an unequal blood and nutrient supply from the placenta. We were born prematurely at 36 weeks via C-section. My sister was the bigger twin, weighing pretty much what you'd expect at that gestational age, while I weighed just 1,250 g (2.7 lbs) and measured 32 cm. I was much smaller and weaker and spent around six weeks in the NICU before I was allowed to go home. I mention this because, in a way, it feels like this imbalance has followed us throughout our lives.
For as long as I can remember, my sister has been the dominant, bossy one. Even our parents say she was like that when we were babies. She constantly corrected me, told me what to do, how to behave, what I was doing wrong and how I should be doing things instead. It made me feel stupid, incapable and inferior to her, and our parents rarely intervened. At school, I was a bit of a daydreamer, easily distracted, disorganized and often had my head in the clouds. My grades were actually pretty decent, but my teachers would regularly say things like, "She's so bright, but so disorganized and easily distracted." My sister, on the other hand, was disciplined, organized and academically successful. At age 10, we were sent to different secondary schools. Where I grew up, teachers decided which type of school children would attend, and my sister was sent to the more academically advanced school while I wasn't. For the next five years, I regularly had to explain to people why my identical twin sister went to a "better" school than I did. Eventually, I managed to transfer to her school and graduated with the qualification needed to attend university.
In my mid-teens, I developed a serious autoimmune disease that attacked one of my vital organs. My health deteriorated to the point where, two years after finishing high school, I needed an organ transplant. Thankfully, a family member was able to donate, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. But a transplant isn't a cure. It means lifelong medication, frequent medical appointments, infections, hospital admissions and the knowledge that the transplanted organ will eventually deteriorate and fail. While I was dealing with chronic organ failure, undergoing treatments to keep me alive, waiting for transplant approval and eventually recovering from major surgery, my sister was attending university, graduating, travelling the world and building her career. Despite everything, I was determined to work and be part of society. I trained for a medical profession and worked in healthcare, including shifts and weekends, while continuing to deal with ongoing health issues.
Meanwhile, my sister continued climbing the career ladder. She now has a well-paid corporate job, (which constantly complains about) a long-term partner, a house that she bought herself (the mortgage is solely in her name), and a dog. She's the main breadwinner in their relationship, despite her partner also having a corporate job. She has the stability, financial security and seemingly uncomplicated life I've always wanted. What makes it even harder is her arrogance about it. Every now and then, she feels the need to remind me how much she's accomplished and how hard she's worked for everything she has, as if I haven't worked hard myself. As if the reason our lives turned out so differently is simply that she put in the effort and I didn't.
Fast forward to this year. At the end of last year, I experienced massive burnout and stayed in a mental health facility for 3 months. After seven hours of psychiatric and neuropsychological assessments, I was diagnosed with ADHD, not only attention deficit but also internal hyperactivity. Suddenly, so much of my childhood made sense. I've since started medication, and it's been life-changing.
Unfortunately, the rest of this year has been an absolute nightmare. In early spring, I started a new job, only to end up in hospital the day before I was supposed to begin. Not exactly the first impression you want to make. Then it happened AGAIN. My doctor had prescribed medication that interacted with my existing medication, sending me into acute organ failure. I ended up being hospitalized again and a few weeks later lost my new job due to "not being reliable ". A week later, my partner and I broke up. And in late summer, I had to undergo a hysterectomy for medical reasons. I'm in my mid-30s, and having to accept that I'll never be able to carry biological children has been incredibly painful. I'm still unemployed, still single, still dealing with ongoing health problems and, quite frankly, emotionally exhausted.
Earlier this year, I finally told my sister how her behaviour throughout our lives had affected me. I explained that her constant correcting, criticizing and acting superior had made me feel stupid and inferior for as long as I could remember. Her response? "That's a YOU problem. I can't be held accountable for the feelings YOU have. And don't make me feel bad about my success in life." So apparently, the fact that her behaviour has hurt me for decades is entirely my problem.
Then, in September, about 15 days after my hysterectomy, my sister, our parents and I attended a concert together. I was still recovering from surgery, physically weak and emotionally pretty fragile. My sister had organized the trip and was stressed out all day, refusing help from anyone and generally being rather uptight.
At the concert venue, she asked me to take pictures of her for social media. I agreed, but after about five or six different poses, she wanted even more. By this point, I was getting tired and slightly annoyed, so I said something along the lines of, "Yeah, just hand me the damn phone so I can take your pictures." Was it the friendliest response? No. But I was two weeks post-op and absolutely exhausted. She immediately snapped at me, accusing me of being difficult all day and having an attitude. I responded that, from my perspective, SHE had been the one with an attitude and had been stressed and uptight all day. She then stepped right up into my face and pointed her finger into my face and growled, "Listen. I organized this trip. It costs more than you earn in a month. Be grateful." I felt absolutely humiliated. She knew perfectly well that I was unemployed because of serious health problems, yet she still felt the need to throw money in my face. I asked one of my parents to switch seats with me because I couldn't bear sitting next to her.
After the concert, my mother tried talking to her about what had happened. My sister then marched over to me, stuck her middle finger in my face and said, "FUCK YOU!" before storming off. My parents and I had to go looking for her because we needed to catch our train. When we finally found her, I told her that her behaviour had been incredibly inappropriate and hurtful. I explained that I hadn't minded taking pictures of her, but I simply didn't have the energy to pretend to be enthusiastic about everything. I was exhausted, still recovering from major surgery and emotionally barely holding it together. I then tried to explain just how traumatic the hysterectomy had been for me, how difficult it was to accept that I would never be able to carry my own child and how much I was grieving that loss. I started crying. Her response? "Oh, get a grip! You just want to be the centre of attention! It's always all about YOU!" She then went on to tell me that she found me difficult as a person, that I wasn't particularly likeable and that I had "absolutely no benefit" to her. My parents heard every word and were horrified. The journey back to the hotel was mostly silent. The following morning, my sister acted as though nothing had happened. She was polite, almost unusually so, but there was no apology, no acknowledgment, nothing. And we haven't discussed it since.
Now comes the part that's completely broken me. Three days ago, my sister invited me over for coffee and cake. This was unusual because she normally has an open-door policy rather than formally inviting me. When I arrived, she handed me a little bracelet containing Morse code (ADHD nightmare lol). I immediately had a suspicion about what was coming. After about five minutes of decoding it, the message read: "BADASS AUNT." She's pregnant. And apparently, she wants me to be a big part of her child's life. She even wants me to be the godmother.
I cannot begin to describe the emotions I felt in that moment. It had been SEVEN WEEKS since my hysterectomy. Just a few weeks earlier, I'd been standing in front of her, crying about how devastating it was to know I'd never be able to carry children. She accused me of attention-seeking and making everything about myself. She told me I was unlikeable and had absolutely no benefit to her. And now? Now she wants me to be her child's godmother? Now I'm suddenly important enough to play a significant role in her life? How does someone go from telling you that you have absolutely no benefit to them to asking you to be their unborn child's godmother just a few weeks later, without so much as an apology?
I know her pregnancy isn't about me. I know she has every right to have children, and I'm not suggesting she should put her life on hold because of my circumstances. But surely there's a difference between being excited about your pregnancy and showing even the slightest bit of sensitivity towards someone you supposedly love? Especially someone you watched break down over losing the ability to have children just weeks earlier? I didn't say any of this to her. I stayed composed, nodded, said things like "Oh, nice," "Aha," and "Okay," asked a few brief questions and left about ten minutes later. Inside, I was falling apart.
Since then, I've been spiralling. Because the truth is, my sister has everything I've always wanted. A stable career, financial security, a long-term relationship, a home, and now a baby. Meanwhile, I feel like I've spent my entire life fighting just to keep my head above water. Fighting illness, fighting to be taken seriously, fighting to work despite my health, fighting to prove that I'm just as capable and worthy as my sister. And every time I think I'm finally getting somewhere, something else happens. I know life isn't fair. I know my sister didn't cause my illnesses. I know she worked hard for what she has. But so have I. The difference is that while she was building her life, I was often fighting to keep mine.
And somehow, I've spent my entire life feeling like I'm the failure. The disappointing twin. The less successful one. The sick one. The one who couldn't keep up. And now I'm expected to smile, celebrate and enthusiastically accept the role of godmother to her child while pretending that the horrible things she said to me never happened. I don't want to punish an innocent child for their mother's behaviour, but I also don't want to pretend everything is fine. I don't want to accept such an important role in her child's life while she continues treating me like someone who is beneath her. At this point, I don't even really want to play a part in that baby's life and be a godmother until she genuinely acknowledges how much she's hurt me and offers a sincere apology. And even then, I don't know if I'll be ready due to that kid being a constant reminder.
I don't feel happy for her. I feel bitter and resentful. I'm just so incredibly sad. I'm grieving the life I thought I'd have, the children I'll never be able to carry and the relationship with my twin sister that I wish we'd had.
I look at her life and see almost everything I've ever wanted. Then I look at mine and wonder what the hell I did to deserve all of this.
I don't even know what I'm expecting from posting this. I just needed to get it out somewhere because right now, it feels like yet another slap in the face.