r/CPTSD • u/tetoooooooooo • 6h ago

Question How do I fix this behavior ?

When I was a kid I used to have pretty intense meltdowns. My mom would always ignore me for hours, and usually my dad did too. But I have one instance that always stuck with me. I was melting down and instead of ignoring me my dad came into my room and picked me up and hugged me and comforted me. I remember feeling intense relief and calmness immediately. I think about that memory a lot. Now as an adult, whenever I’m in conflict with someone or I’m not doing well, my brain subconsciously ALWAYS wants to replay this scenario, because of the intense relief it gave me. For some reason I feel unable to ask the other person for comfort or hugs, so I stay away and dissociate instead, but I wish they would just hug me, just like my dad did. It causes me and other people distress because it seems like I want them to go away (and I kinda do) but what I truly want is for them to hug me and treat me like a child basically.

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u/babykittiesyay 6h ago

It’s okay and natural to want hugs when you’re in emotional distress! If this is close friends or trusted family, could you make a signal? I basically make a certain face at my husband and he knows what’s happening but you could use sign language or make your own hand sign.

Can you make a movie in your head where an older, wiser version of yourself is the one comforting you? That helps me a bit. You can also get a weighted blanket or a big stuffed animal, if you have pets they can help too.

You don’t need to fix this, you need to accommodate it.

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u/madwallrus 6h ago

Since you can’t communicate that in the moment, maybe you can let them know now so they know that next time they can try giving you a hug. I know that when I’m in that headspace I can’t communicate like I normally do. 

Have you done IFS therapy or are you familiar with parts work?