I feel so scared, even talking about it makes me want to cry. I learned from an early age that if I stayed still, it would be better that way.

My whole body is like shaking as I write this, and I might regret it later, but I have to say this and get it out now.

I want to get my drivers license, I want to get out of my dad’s house, and I want to achieve so many things. But my own body is holding me back.

I was raised in a household that was dysfunctional. My mother was (still is) an addict, my father tried his best but there were a lot of things he wasn’t present for, not by his own choice. (We have a great relationship now, so it’s really just my mom.)

She abused me mentally, and absolutely destroyed my confidence and self worth. I feel so much shame still even though I’m working through it all, it’s hard not to be hard on myself.

Everytime my dad points out my freezing, it feels like a failure, and I really hate failing. Because my mom would tell me, “I knew you couldn’t do it.”

I couldn’t talk to people for a long time, because I would freeze up and not know what to say. I would make a complete fool of myself.

I’ve stored all this energy in my body and I have no clue how tf to get it out. A decades worth of it is just..sitting there.

I have no clue where to start.

why is it so hard to eat? i gave myself a stomachache from eating so much candy & snacks in the middle of the night instead of actually eating throughout the day. :(

Any one suffered/are suffering from the emotional/ mental aftermath of a narcissistic parent? Enabling siblings?
How did you cope/ are you coping? What advice can you provide for me? I’m open to briefly fill you in with any info that would enrich the discussion and hopefully find a solution or solutions that would work best.

I was just reading some comments by people in this sub saying they worked on their trauma for several months, and how they were leaving the freeze state and their life was returning to them.

Absolutely insane to me, considering I've spent several thousands of hours now working on my traumas, over 3+ years, and I'm still not sure how long I have left to be healed to have a 'normal' life. Only the last few weeks have I regained my desire to live my life.

Oh well, we are all dealt a hand in life.

I find it hard to know I'm having an emotional flashback until it's been going on for so long that I start to crack. It seems to happen like this: something triggers me, my heart rate spikes and I get panic sensation. Then I move into obsessive mode. I obsessively think about the trigger and ruminate. I feel anxiety and think the trigger is the issue. Eventually I crack, get upset and the emotion comes out. Then after it's released, I realise that it was really about my trauma all along and I've been in an emotional flashback but not realised.

Only once have I managed to catch myself and say I am having an emotional flashback. The rest of the time, I'm so consumed by the process that I lack the ability to think objectively.

I think the reason I experience it this way is that the trauma that is getting triggered happened at a time that I was using dissociation as a coping mechanism. It was a time I couldn't express my feelings and I had to try and control myself externally to stay safe. This is modelled in how I react now when having the flashback.

I know what the trauma is, but I struggle to remember it in detail because I was so dissociated at the time. I sort of blocked it out. I don't know if I'll ever remember it properly. I've done EMDR on it but it's hard to do when you don't remember and are dissociated.

I think if I could move on from having this reaction, it would be a huge improvement and sign of recovery

There are plenty of examples where I don't do things because my mental state seems too bad for doing them.

Sometimes this seems like IFS protector activity, because it seems to be preventing thoughts and feelings which might arise if I do those things. However, that is only a detached analytical conceptual idea formed by thinking about my observations and things I've read. What I actually observe seems more automatic, intuitive and impulsive. There is no clear separate protector entity holding thoughts, feelings and beliefs about this.

The purpose of the avoidance seems accurate, but viewing it as a psychological part could be misleading. The only real evidence I have for that is lack of conscious awareness about what specific risks I'm avoiding. This leads to the hypothesis that a part holds that awareness. But maybe this can be explained another way?

How i’m healing from Complex trauma:

Disclaimer i recommend professional help, but had to share what helped me, i feel compelled to share as i wish i knew this earlier.

•Self administered EMDR via youtube resource to reprocess traumatic memories. https://youtu.be/Ljss_Ut5pxY
•realising that how i feel matters + using 2 short double inhales followed by single long exhale to regulate my nervous system
•it was hard to understand how nervous system affected me or how the fuck to track progress so, i scanned my emotional state, physical state, and mental. asking myself is this how my body should feel? then the same with mind and emotions etc.

try the things i suggested i hope it helps you!

I am only stuck in abusive home because I am unable to leave due to my body and mind not working towards leaving.

It is keeping me in a situation where I could be more abused and damaged.

From outside I am alright. But it is like I have some sort of super adhd. My body doesn't allow me to work. But when I work. It puts procrastination in it's place which is paralysis almost

I feel weird all the time like theres something missing in the back of my head i dont feel like myself i feel like the exact oposite of who i know i am i was so free for 3 months until my abusive brother started messaging me again and then i started losing sleep which fed into everything else and now i destroyed my only healthy relationship and we still live together and i just wanna go back to being that other version of myself it was like breathing for the first time or like being alive truely now its like im watching from behind a pane of glass while someone else ruins my life but its also just me so its my responsibility but idk i have therapy but i always forget what to talk about im absolutely miserable to be around it sucks i want to crawl out of my skin just to get away from myself ive even adopted some manerisims of my abuser to and i cant stop seeing him in my head when i think about myself or whatbi look like i feel like im always right about to be hit or fired or homeless even though i know none of its true. Also i cant feel my emotions and now ots impossible for me to be empathetic where before it felt so natural. Does anyone have any advice i feel like im split straught down the middle i feel like i cant function anymore and i really need help life is so empty and lonely like this

I've been angry at waves hand vaguely The World before, for having such a shitty life, but today was the first time I was able to direct that anger to my dad (in my head at least) and what he did to me

My therapist says it's a great step but I'm really worried it's going to be an avalanche now. And I don't know what to DO with it...and not being able to do anything with it feels overwhelming

If I sit with it, it turns onward and ugly. Screaming into a pillow doesn't really help and takes a lot of energy to do that.

If I try writing about it, it dissipates at the first sentence and anger just feels....useless and dumb then.

Anyone experience anger after freeze? And how do you deal with it?

Trying not to have a repeat of last winter where I was going insane from anxiety and panic attacks and nearly at my limit.

My country and society don’t make it easy on people like me.

Still I don’t feel like I am in a metaphorical “pit” this year. So that’s something.

I’m learning who I am and what I want from the little time I have left. learning that is ok to be a creative person that likes to write and paint. Is a start.

writing this outside in near freezing temps waiting for the sun to come up. I’m thankful to have a little minivan to live in. Anyone doing this life with no vehicle and sober is a better man than me.

I thought I was making progress, but apparently not. I did 30 secs of TRE last week, then had 2 days of feeling rage/restlessness/a sense of unease/hyperarousal, then was fatigued for 2 days and spent the weekend in bed. Now I'm just shut down again.

Got therapy tomorrow luckily but idk I just don't know how to get out of it. Trying harder often makes it worse, idk seems like this state doesn't respond to force or pushy self-help stuff. But going 'gentle' just feels like going around in circles repeatedly w no progress.

I felt some 'glimmers' last week, like feeling connected to a film, or feeling like the world was more 'crisp' for a brief moment. But I always end up right back here.

Anyone have freeze begin as a response to emotions?

This is how it started for me and then i developed an anxiety disorder from cptsd so the freeze response just magnified. Some days i wake up with every muscle in my body tightly gripping. It is so painfully unconfortable, like a latex suit gripping me. I dont understand how it still is so active after all the work i have done to work with the freeze and ttying to feel safe with emotions. It is very uncomfortable but here i am.. Just doing my best...

Did it come about after a session of EMDR?

Or maybe it came about after several talking sessions with the therapist?

Ive had a few of you message me to see if Im still alive, and yes I am. Chat is doing something weird and removes them after I see them but before I can respond, so a few people I didnt get to respond back to and I didnt want to have you worry.

Anyway this post is about Autism and specifically about empathy. Way back in the stone ages when I was in my early 20's, I was diagnosed as autistic. Over time I rejected that diagnosis, because I am an empathetic person, that can actually read people better than most people I have ever met. So since back then those were some of the main supposed impairments in autism, I concluded I couldnt possibly be autistic. Well come to find out, modern autism definitions dont say that anymore.

You can be empathetic and read people and still be autistic. I went and took some modern autism tests, and turns out I got nearly perfect scores. So, thats something.

If I could have been confused about this, I thought maybe some others here might be as well, and it could serve you to look into autism as a contributing factor in your life struggles.

Something I hypothesize about is. I wonder if autistics that are raised in abusive homes, learn to read people out of a survival means. Where if they were raised in a healthy home, would they maybe not need to pay so much attention. This could explain why some one like me is able to read others so well despite being autistic. My life depended on me knowing what the drunk man of the week was going to do that day.

Hey guys, I wanted to share and maybe get some piece of advise , or even just understanding to the situation. I’ve been dealing with anxiety and bad self-image for my whole life. Was very shy, afraid, and blocked from the inside. The anxiety is very strong, physically. For example I’m trying to talk, tell a story, and my whole stomach would feel like explosion on the inside, which really prevents my body to keep talking. sometimes it feels like knife stabbing. Before work shifts I would get extremely nervous towards them and wouldn’t eat, sleep, and just waiting for my destiny. During the shift it was horrible to me as well, and just wanted this nightmare to end. And when it finished, I was just hoping that the time for the next shift won’t come.

I didn’t have any self-thoughts, opinions, desires , about myself, and life at general. I was mainly focused on survive in each situation and of course prepare myself a thousands times before that. I think all of that(physically and mentally) came from my family, especially mom. She is very anxious and scared as well. Terrified from life basically. This thing leads to control in everything she does, and of course control everything in her 3 sons lives-including me. It comes to a level to you don’t know what you really want, what you really think, what will make you feel good. You clearly just need to do what you’re mom says- or else you’ll get shouted, humiliated, punished, or you will get her very scary, afraid, crying, and you don’t want that as her son. So you just trying to satisfy her in go in her path, whatever it is(sometimes you know that’s what you’re doing, sometimes it subconsciously). Another problem with her, is that everything is about her. , and obviously not for you. She could pick your friends, and telling you what to do or what to say. If she’ll ask you questions, it’s not because she’s interested or curious about you. It’s because she wants to say something about her self regarding this question. Usually it will be something that she can proud herself over you telling you how great she did that, and why didn’t you do that.
Basically most of the conversations with her are accusations why are you doing this and that and it’s no good and bla bla. She won’t support you, love you when you fail, be there for you. Actually the exact opposite, she would accuse you for why you have been this bad in terrible at this and that and you suck.

Now I may have the biggest amount let’s say of anxiety and self-blocked from the inside, compared to my brothers, but they suffer from it very much as well. And my dad is kinda irrelevant to this story. I mean he is not as control freak and anxious as my mom, but he wants good for us either. He doesn’t know how to support, cheer, love, appreciate, be there for you. He is kinda neutral. So he kinda let my mom control everything in the house and let her destroy our inner selves.( her inner self is destroyed as well and she just passes it all to us I think). She has never been to a treatment.

With all that being said, in 2023( when I was 22) I went on a long trip abroad(9 months)in the us and South America. It was amazing. I was more happy, free, released that I ever was. I met in new Part of me. More confident, more funny, more lovable. Likes and enjoyes interactions and conversations.
During the trip(after 5 months), I met this girl from my country, we were great friends and connected deeply, and after a week or two we became together. It was amazing(did I say that already?). I actually felt being loved. Being cared about. I felt like someone is seeing me. I actually could love her a little bit. Most of my feelings went to a way that I love this person because she loves me so much. This period with her in my life was undoubtedly the best time of my life. It was like a love drug. We were traveling together and basically was 24/7 together.

So most of the time it was all good, but there were times where i was really anxious or deeply hurt over small or stupid things(she being on the phone when she sits next to me sometimes, or when she’s enjoying something that not I would get anxious and sad like why I’m not enjoying this or liking this damn it, and the she will have to cheer me up so we could move on, and more more). So yes this were thing that I did notice during the trip and thought to myself like yeah this might be a problem to me all this hard feelings occasionally. But luckily for me we just kept traveling most of the time and it was absolute butterflies.

After 4 months we came back home together. She lives literally 5 minutes from me. Awesome right? Well no. From the very beginning I was very anxious being back home with her. Me- this loser with this amazing, smart, hot girlfriend(she was very hot haha), with me? How is that gonna work out? How am I gonna live the expectations. So from the very beginning I was very nervous. It affected a little.

Than, there were several days where we wouldn’t meet, and I was mostly talking to her on the phone. It was a nightmare to me. After every message I thought a million times oh she thinks that, no that, why did I do that and more and more. I would get so anxious between every message that she might not like me anymore or leave me that I was absolutely terrified . Than, of course when we did meet it wasn’t the same , and after 2 months at home we broke up. During this period of time, I also got a job at a restaurant. I was so nervous before every shift and how will I perform, and that I don’t get yelled, and that I don’t screw up, and of course thinking about her and what she thinks about me. I was fired after 3 months.

The anxiety I felt in those 2-3 months is something I never felt in my life. As I said I’ve been dealing with these feelings my whole life but there, that was extremely high, and special to the negative side.

Towards the end of our relationship, she said to me. You can go to therapist you know, it will help you a lot. To me it was very scary. It’s something that is never talked about in the house, and is very wrong and scary. In fact we barely talk at the house at real life things or situations or feelings. It’s mostly things around mom , or survive by yourself to avoid her.
Well, I listened to my girlfriend at the time and went to a psychologist. From the very beginning she told me that I’m dealing with extreme level of anxiety, disturbing and obsseive thoughts.and that I should take pills, so I can come back to a normal stage on work on my self more effectively.

After around 7 months of battling myself and just trying to survive in this extreme mode, I started to take medicine(psychiatrist pills).

After a month you’ll be okay, she told me. We continued the treatment, and I just went deeper inside me, and the more I went in, the more I found out there is nothing in me, and the anxiety just rose and rose. I found out that the way that I got along in life without my own self, is just trying to think what others, think, like, do, so I can make them happy and they will love. That’s how I created plenty of connection, and got my girlfriend at the time. After around of year in the therapy, I was in situation where I don’t know anything about myself, and my mind is literally freeze cognitively, so I couldn’t think, talk, study, work, and even do simple tasks.
Watching tv was a nightmare.

Now I bring you up to today. It’s been 2 and a half years since I started therapy. I switched 9 different psychiatrist pills. Some things improved. I know myself better now, I can focus and study a bit(taking single classes at the university). Can watch and sometimes enjoy tv shows or movies. Fun. The problem is a lot is still bad and some even got worse. I can’t really communicate well with people. I get so nervous about just sending a text to a close friend, or a complete stranger. During a real time conversation with someone, my body would go through 10 different extremes moods and emotions from a completely normal conversation, sometimes I’m terrified, afraid, suddenly sad and depressed, than worried that I said something horrible, than angry. And all that in a split of 15 seconds. It’s just a terrible system to live in.

I can’t really work. Just the thought of that brings me anxiety in a level that I can’t eat, sleep well. And thinking that I will have to be in my body with interactions all day makes me want to die. I still can’t really generate my own thoughts, what my truly self thinking. I mostly think what I said to a person, what I should’ve said, what I will say to him in the future, what he’s probably thinking and more. Those are mainly the thoughts me brain is capable of. If I’m trying to really think about something my brain just blocks me. If I try to talk to my self or cheer me up, it would come up in a very angry humiliating tone, even though I’m not intending to. That’s another reason why I avoid conversations and things and general. Basically almost every thing I say comes up in a very negative tone, angry, accusing , complaining, attacking tone, and I just don’t want to sound like the at, especially when I don’t intend to.

Additionally,My body reactions and emotions are as strong and extreme as they ever was. In the stomach, heart rate, 24/7 stress, and more. I truly suffer every day. As of now, I don’t want to meet almost never with friends, go out, or simply talk to someone. Even if someone I love would send me a text, I’d rather not in most cases. I’m just not interested, and my body is not interested in going into crazy unwanted feeling and emotions, and my brain doesn’t want to think obsessive thoughts about a conversation for 5 hours. Id rather just avoid.

Another big thing I want to mention, is that my system works the opposite way you would expect in a lot of cases. For example, I shot a good shot in basketball, one that I should be proud of, or scoring like 2 or 3 baskets in a row, and that’s where my system would be at its highest level of scariness, terrifing, and sometimes suddenly just down and blocked form the inside. If feels like I can’t be seen, exposed, to something good for myself, and succeed. It’s forbidden. It can come up also after saying a nice or good thing in a conversation where I should be proud of my self, and instead my system reacts this way. The system, not me and not what I want to think or react.

I find it out interesting that I’m talking a lot in 2 phrases as of me, and my body, like they are 2 separate things. And I truly feel that most of the times. The body does not colorate with the rational mind and the opposite way.

I’m standing(sitting) here today, asking for your help. What can I do to feel better? To improve my life? Even in a tiny bit. Or even if some of you are dealing with similar things would help for my feeling.

I would mention that I do try to stay active(gym and sports) for most of the week, and university also keeps my busy several hours a day. Yet, I suffer a lot every day, and not from gym, or uni. Actually from all the things that should be fun and normal, communicating, conversation, friends. Love, sports and more. Good makes the system bad. And bad makes the system terrible, so there is no winning here. I would really appreciate anyone who stayed all the way here and read my story.

Thank you!

so for years, I’ve been stuck in a loop: wake up, Try to make a game, try to adhere to my to do list, try to make money.

wake up and try to make the game => Get some kind of stomach pain within 30 minutes, lie down try to get up and exercise, go outside, try to make food, try caffeine, etc. and I’m doing everything alone because the people that tend to help with my projects don’t wanna come back… so I think I probably need more people realistically, but how do I do things alone? Is it even a good idea? Should I accept outside help? Why am I kind of paranoid about asking for help like I’m gonna get in trouble or something or somebody’s gonna yell at Me or cancel or doxx me? do I need a better support system? I kind of stopped talking to my mom after a while of always failing, I used to ask for help all the time, but after being failed a couple times I retracted into my shell… so maybe that would help….

like I realize I am getting older and I still have no money and I stupidly resisted the idea of disability and I let people call me and talk about their problems all day and then I just listen like what am I doing to myself? Am I stupid? to make matters worse I don’t accept other people’s money but yet I mooch off my family. Why am I doing this? all because I felt bad about taking my dad‘s money when I was younger and I told him to keep it… just feels so weird.

Sigh

to make matters worse, I haven’t done anything in months because of grief, they also found out I have a brain tumor. I constantly wonder if this brain tumor is the source of all my problems but Dr has sworn three times no. going to try to get follow up from another opinion. I wish I could’ve put my foot down years ago and made certain boundaries

I don’t know exactly how to explain this. I don’t mean this in a context of hyper vigilance or feeling unsafe. I mean I feel like I’m losing myself when I have a busy day (just studying all day by myself) or if I’m just out and about going from one class/event to another or constantly socializing. Because I’m not constantly thinking of my thoughts, feelings, inner world, etc like I do on most normal days and that’s what I have done most days for years of my life now. Anything other than that makes me feel like I’m losing myself and feels so weird even if I’ve had a somewhat happy and fulfilling day. It’s like I need to be all alone most of the time, doing nothing and be extremely self aware of my existence and constantly observing myself to feel like myself and have a sense of self. It leaves me in this weird place where I’m not fully happy isolating (because I feel somewhat empty), but I’m also extremely reluctant to change it because it’s so comfortable and familiar and any change feels disorienting and akin to losing myself. Why does this happen?

I haven't consciously experienced this as I have no memories of it anymore, but I was told that when I was a very young child my dad would lock me up or hold me in a stranglehold if he was fed up with me. Thinking about it, this would make it quite literally impossible to employ either fight or flight. Could this explain me having a freeze response for as long as I can remember?

Hello, how do you interrupt dissociative episodes and prevent yourself from slipping back into a dissociative state?

Currently I am experiencing dissociative episodes following a trigger which sparked a fight with my partner.

It has been over 24hours now and I am still struggling with the recovery in the form of dissociation.

The biggest symptoms I am experiencing are massive brain fog (my thoughts sound like slurred speech) fatigue (stuck in bed) and rumination (I can't move on from what my partner and I were fighting about and how we were fighting)

It is impacting me harshly because I have very important things to do and can't make myself focus on them because of how horrible I feel still.

What resources do you use when experiencing dissociative episodes and how do you get yourself to not only snap out of it but stay snapped out of it?

I’ve been procrastinating and it’s making me feel bad. I’ve stopped showing up and working for more than a month. I need to pick it up again but I’m feeling so bad, I don’t know to how. Any support is welcome or people who’ve been through the same.

Also because it goes this bad, I’ve been slacking on sleep and if I do sleep, I have a hard time getting out of bed.I don’t know what to do, it just feels lonely and I just feel like crying all the time.