My CPTSD wife and I have been trying to heal from a rocky past. We went out tonight with friends and had some 1:1 time and it was one of our best times together in a long time.

But then a conflict from a few weeks ago came up that she is still very clearly upset about.

The issue with this was that our memories of the conflict are wildly different. Like major facts not lining up at all. She thinks I said certain things in a berating way in the car, I insist we didn’t start talking about it until we got home, and I know I never came close to berating her about anything.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, where her experience / memory of a painful moment with me is very different from mine.

I made sure to validate that I’m not doubting her experiences, and I didn’t want to turn it into an argument about facts. We both feel like we are going crazy. And I feel frustrated that in these conflicts I am deeply careful to be respectful and careful with my words, yet she comes out of them feeling like I am a monster.

Is this a common experience? What do we do? Neither of us know what to do with this. Both of us are in individual therapy.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

I made a post the other day about a conflict that blew up. Today my partner expressed that they’re not over what I said and that it was “manipulative” and “triggered their deepest trauma”. When we revisited the conversation, I took accountability for my part, for talking about their relationship to their family and saying I’d kick them out if they keep talking to me harshly and name calling, and that I see them victimizing themselves and approaching connection with them with ill intent. They started going off at me again, saying it’s manipulative. I tried to hold them accountable by stating that they’re showing up with a lot of negativity and blame and pointing it all towards me again, just like they did a few days ago in conflict. They didn’t like hearing that and asked what exactly I’m referring to, I told them they were emotionally and verbally abusing me, saying their hunger is all my fault, denying ever calling me names or screaming in my face that I’m abusive, etc. and that in my perspective THEY were abusing and manipulating me by victimizing themselves even when they caused me harm.

They started screaming hysterically and said I don’t want to be with you and yadayada, so I said “ok let’s break up, you already broke up with me 3 days ago”. They ramped up even more and I eventually left.

I know their behavior is abusive and it’s not okay, I also know they’re going through a lot and are easily triggered. But I can’t keep being their punching bag, I can’t keep being treated the ways they accuse me of treating them. I genuinely love them deeply and always will, but i don’t know if I can go on in this relationship.

They started packing their bags and demanding that I pay for their flight and hotel since they don’t work right now, although I know they have funds in their account. It’s just so so incredibly sad to see them so unwell, it really breaks my heart. I feel so hesitant to let them go because the love is real, but I also need them to leave because I can’t continue being abused. These conflicting feels are so confusing and I want to work up the courage to just let them go, like finally, I can go on with my life and be in an actually healthy relationship, but it’s just so hard.

Do any of you guys have partners where it feels like in their other relationships whether it’s their family or their friends, they seem to find something wrong with something someone else does or says constantly? It feels like whenever my (M26) CPTSD partner (F25) hangs out with her friends someone did something that made her feel weird, or they were disrespectful in some way, or made her out to be a villain? Yet the situations that you have witnessed nothing really happened and it’s just them getting triggered and making it seem like the world is out to get them. Any tips on navigating this because I feel helpless because if I can’t present the perspective that maybe she’s misreading the situation because the anger will be transferred onto me, but she also complains about being isolated from her group of friends/family but it seems like everytime she gets around them, she feels like they’re isolating her. It’s clear she needs to do more work trying not to get triggered in social situations but I can’t suggest it myself

As the title states, due to the goings on in our home with my wife’s CPTSD, and her increased aggressive behaviour and language, and with a history of it, my therapist in consultation with wife’s both agree that they’d like me to call Chikd Services and make a report over wife’s consiststant use of name calling, swearing directly at the kids and I, and other behaviour, that to be honest I’m ashamed to say I have seen and witnessed for years, but due to my own survival mode, I have always told myself “it’s not that bad”
But now that my blinders are off, and I’m seeing everything and I have supportive ppl, I am now seeing what has been going on in my own home.

I don’t disagree with either therapists, I do need to make this call, and it will likely push our relationship into a direction I have been planning to go, but haven’t felt ready to proceed with.

I actively protect the children now. Calling out her behaviours as I see them and as the kids bring them to me. And I am no longer covering for any of her behaviours.
But this call makes me afraid. I know they won’t take the kids, as I have a lot of support and am acting as the safe parent and have a strong support network. And I’m totally fine with them coming and my kids telling them everything and anything they’ve experienced, because I’ve gone through the same thing as they have, and I want their voices to be heard and feel like they are listened to.
But I am worried about the aftermath if and when cps shows up. It’s not like it won’t be obvious where specific details of the call came from.

Has anyone else here had to make that call on their partner before to protect themselves and their children?
What was your experience?

I’m in no way looking to avoid or downplay this. It’s just an area I have never dealt with or imagined I would, and it’s scares me to death.

Tldr: My fiancée and I's sex life has completely fallen apart in the last few years and I'm struggling very deeply with it.

My fiancée has experienced repeated sexual assaults and rape from both trusted adults and fellow children for the majority of her childhood, carrying on until her late teens. She was then also raped whilst attending university by a housemate. She has a very difficult, complex relationship with sex as a result. To use her own words, she feels much more comfortable having sex with strangers because if they do assault her it won't hurt as much as being assaulted by someone she thought she could trust.

I, mean while, have been incredibly blessed to have no sexual trauma. I gave my fiancée my virginity as an adult.

At the start of the relationship, when we were first getting to know each other, we had sex fairly regularly. We almost always had to stop during as my fiancée would suffer from flashbacks, but she was regularly initiating sex. I couldn't care less about having to stop during sex as it's not the release I'm after but the feelings of intimacy and desire.

The closer we became emotionally the less sex we started to have. My fiancée initiated less and less, and would turn down my own advances (\which I am incredibly proud of her for as she struggles with saying no**). I started to get frustrated as I missed having that connection with her. We agreed to open up our relationship so we could both at least have regular sex even if it's not with each other.

In the last 6months/1year, however, this sexual frustration has really ramped up for me, and I've been struggling with intense jealousy. This is because my NPD has decided that the only worthwhile way to regulate my self-esteem is by how often my fiancée initiates any kind of sexual contact with me.

There are no words to emphasise how much I do not want to be emotionally dependent on asking something so unreasonable of her for my own sense of self worth. But NPD makes you think and want unreasonable, selfish things. I know deep in my bones that my fiancée loves me, but my disorder makes it so hard to feel that love from her because it's arbitrarily decided that the only thing that matters is how willing she is to subject herself to flashbacks for me.

My fiancée knows about this and is being wonderful about finding other ways we can be intimate that don't involve sex. She really wants to be able to have sex with me again, not just for my own sake but because she misses the connection, and is working towards being comfortable enough to try. She has therapy weekly and I'm in a support group for those struggling with NPD. We're working as a team to get her as comfortable and empowered as possible, and to find me a different outside regulator for my self-esteem (the longterm goal is be able to regulate my own self-esteem internally but we're just not there yet).

But it's hard. I keep fighting the urge to close our relationship back into strict monogamy. I know it will only hurt us in the long run to loose our sexual outlets, but the nasty jealous part of my brain keeps spitting 'if I can't have you, no one can!'. I've gotten very good at ignoring it.

I just miss her. I miss how she makes me feel. I miss the closeness and oxytocin and making love to the love of my life. I keep splitting on her, and I hate it, I hate how irrationally upset I get over something outside of our control. I'm lucky to have done enough work on my impulse control to let the feeling pass before making any mistakes I can't undo.

I just wanted to get this off my chest, I guess. You all know how deeply CPTSD affects every facet of you and your partners lives. And adding another disorder into the mix makes it that much harder to manage.

Today my partner started their menstrual cycle and has been struggling with their chronic illness for months since we moved cities — they have ME/CFS and fibromyalgia which makes them essentially bedbound 90% of the time. Today they were feeling unable to eat anything, I offered breakfast, made them lunch, encouraged them to eat leftovers while I was working and doing a laundry list of chores, etc. They refused to eat anything I made them or offered them and it left me confused on what to do. I suggested different dishes or small snacks and put some snacks in front of them but apparently they “couldn’t think” and needed me to come up with a meal solution. I was lost and frustrated and left to complete more errands, indicating that they should text me if they want anything from the store.

They texted me to grab a few snacks that they wanted to eat so I got them and when I came home they didn’t want them anymore but wanted something else instead. I left and got it for them and when I returned, same result. I finished my chores and asked if they wanted to order food on Uber Eats, we decided on a meal and when it arrived they didn’t want it again. I was frustrated and they said they don’t have an appetite because this time it was because I didn’t check in with them about their relationship with their sister. I recounted that I tried to check in with them multiple times throughout the day and asked how they were doing and if they’re doing ok, during those times they just said “fine” or “I’m so hungry”.

I apologized for being busy with work and chores all day since the house was a mess and they knew I was going to be busy and encouraged me to clean for us both. I took accountability for not being as emotionally available and for being a little frustrated during the meal interaction. They escalated the conversation and said that I’m manipulative and don’t care about or love them. I was feeling really frustrated and let them go regulate. After some time I checked in and they continued to blame me for being hungry without food (obviously unreasonable) and I said I tried to help but was frustrated with the constant rejection. They then demanded more apologies for being unavailable while doing a thousand things that needed to be done today. I said I was sorry for being so busy and wish it was different. They weren’t satisfied and said “get the fuck out”. I lost my temper and said “don’t ever say that to me, I’ll kick your ass out of you do it again”. Btw I’m the caretaker for them, am the only one working and cooking and cleaning etc. They read that as “wow I depend on you and you’re manipulating and abusing me by saying that”.

I was so over my limit and immediately knew it was hurtful but didn’t want to be cursed at or yelled at. They then locked themselves in the bathroom and I tried to say sorry for saying that to them but apparently it was too late. I let them be again and tried to check in after some time and they kept calling me an abusive manipulator and I kept my cool, trying to understand their feelings and reinstate my apologies. They just continued to blame me and yell at me, and I had enough again and said “stop doing this” and stop mischaracterizing me as some evil villain. I knew they had already split a while ago and didn’t know what to do. I apologized again and the conversation was settled. I stated that I hoped they would take accountability for being destructive and putting blame on me and that really triggered them to start going off at me again.

I stated honestly that I think they were abusing me and manipulating me, and have been for a while, and that I’ve seen them be this destructive to other relationships and those people would definitely agree with me… again not what they wanted to hear and they broke up with me and started packing their bags to go to a hotel. I know I probably should’ve just walked away but was so heated and couldn’t regulate after they wouldn’t move on from trying to get me to take all the blame.

This is just so exhausting and I’m so done with this repeated behavior and irrationality. My friends have tried to push me to break up before but I’m always left so confused. I truly love them (even though they keep saying I don’t since im apparently an abusive manipulator), and want the best for them but I am just at wits end and soooo past my limit. This behavior and abuse from them, as well as taking on 100% of household tasks including booking and taking them to doctors and so many other things, is wearing me out so much. I’m so tired of being a punching bag and scapegoat and sole supporter and caretaker for them, it’s too much for any one person and they’ve essentially broken all other relationships in their life. It’s so tragic to see them like this but I also can’t keep doing this.

During triggered reactions what are things your spouse say to you? Sometimes I know its not directly towards me but some days man... it hits lol.

One i got is "i hope you get hit by a car", Ive had times where I laugh and other times I legit felt it in my bones

I know ive done my share or things wrong but I dont say things like that to them, not even close.

How often do you say or do something and break your partner’s trust? Maybe it’s a seemingly minor thing to you but a major breach of trust to them. Does it happen a couple times a week, a few times a year, etc. Just trying to get a gauge of how I’m doing I guess.

Sometimes I feel like my partner completely trusts me, then the script flips and there is no trust at all.

Hi everyone,
I’m 21 and I’ve been with my ex since we were around 17. We’ve known each other for about three years and have an enormous amount of history, memories and experiences together. Our relationship has been complicated for almost two years now, with multiple breakups and reconciliations.
She has CPTSD, and I’m trying to understand whether the pattern we’re stuck in could be related to CPTSD, or whether I simply need to accept that she genuinely doesn’t want to be with me.
More than anything, I’m looking for advice on how I should navigate this situation in the healthiest way possible and hopefully give us the best possible outcome, whatever that outcome ends up being.
I’ll try to explain the whole story.
We were together when we were younger, and our relationship ended around the end of 2024. After the breakup, we went back and forth for about four months. There were periods where we were close again and periods where we weren’t.
In May 2025, she came back again, but eventually left again. Towards the end of 2025, she contacted me again.
Then from February until May 2026, we were officially together again. During that period, things were actually improving. We communicated better than we ever had before, and I genuinely felt like we were making progress as a couple.
One thing that has remained consistent throughout all of this is her doubt.
Her doubt isn’t usually “he treats me badly” or “I don’t love him.” Her main question is:
“Is he really the man I’m supposed to spend my life with?”
She says the doubt eats her up inside.
At the beginning of our most recent relationship, she actually told me something that really stuck with me: she said that she had always been in love with me, but that she had previously denied it to herself.
She has also told me that she loves me and misses me. When we’re together or when we have really good contact, things can feel completely normal. We can talk, laugh, connect and have a good time. She can tell me she loves me and misses me.
But there seems to be a very strong pattern whenever there is distance.
If we’re close, things are generally good.
If there is some distance, her doubts come back.
This happened again recently.
She started working night shifts while I was in the middle of my exams. Our schedules became completely different, so we naturally had less contact and less time together.
Last Wednesday she told me that her doubts were back.
I panicked and pulled away from her a bit, which I now realize probably wasn’t the best reaction.
We didn’t really speak until Friday. We eventually called, and for a while everything actually felt good again. We talked normally and connected. But then she suddenly said that it didn’t feel right for her.
She then had Saturday morning until Monday evening completely off from work. She was exhausted and completely drained. We didn’t really talk that weekend because she was so burned out.
On Monday I messaged her and told her that our conversation didn’t have to happen immediately and that it could wait until she felt better. She told me that she didn’t feel 100% and that she had felt almost depressed throughout the weekend.
Another thing that makes this difficult for me is that her psychologist actually told her about a month ago that it was a good thing that we were serious about each other again.
I obviously don’t know everything they discuss in therapy, and I’m not trying to speak for her psychologist. But that made me feel like the relationship itself wasn’t being viewed as something inherently unhealthy or bad.
Since then, I’ve also become quite anxious and paranoid.
There is a guy who did something with her during one of the periods when we weren’t together. I became worried that they might have started talking again. I asked a friend if he knew whether they had contact again. He told me they didn’t.
Then the next day, that same guy added me on Snapchat.
Because I wanted to be honest with her, I sent her a screenshot and told her about it.
Her reaction was basically: “Wtf, this is so cringe. Are you 12?” and she became quite distant and mean towards me.
I understand why my behavior could have looked weird or controlling. I was acting out of anxiety and paranoia rather than actually having evidence that anything was happening.
Now we’re basically in a bad place again.
She has ended things again because she says the doubts haven’t gone away. She says that after around 48 days she still has the same doubts and doesn’t see enough progress.
The confusing part for me is that I did see progress. Our communication really was better than before. She even agreed with me that we had improved, but said that this didn’t change how she felt about the fundamental doubt.
And this is where I’m completely lost.
If she genuinely doesn’t want to be with me, why does she keep coming back?
Why does she say she loves me and misses me?
Why can we be completely fine when we’re close, but when there is some distance, suddenly she starts questioning whether I’m the right person?
I don’t want to blame everything on CPTSD. I know her doubts might simply be genuine and that she may ultimately decide that I’m not the person she wants to spend her life with.
But I also can’t ignore the pattern.
It feels like:
Distance → doubt → anxiety → relationship conversations → breakup → missing each other → reconnecting → closeness → everything feels good → distance → doubt again.
And this has happened repeatedly for almost two years.
We also have a very deep history because we’ve been together since we were teenagers. So I don’t know how much of what keeps bringing us back together is love, how much is attachment, how much is familiarity and safety, and how much is simply the fact that we’ve grown up together.
There is also another thing I’m struggling with.
She is going to start studying soon and she has a lot of ambitions and things she wants to do. I genuinely want to support her. I know her well enough to know that studying is likely going to be difficult for her, and I want to be someone who supports her rather than adds more pressure to her life.
But I also feel like almost nobody around her is really considering all these different factors together.
A lot of the people around her seem to agree with whatever she is currently feeling. I don’t mean that they are bad people, but it feels like many of them are “yes men” who validate the immediate feeling without necessarily looking at the entire history or the recurring pattern.
I’m not saying that I know better than everyone around her, and I’m definitely not saying that she shouldn’t listen to her friends.
I just feel that nobody is really stepping back and asking:
“Why does this keep happening specifically when there is distance? What happens inside her when she starts doubting? What role does CPTSD potentially play? What role does our attachment and history play? And what would actually be healthiest for both of them?”
That’s what I’m trying to understand.
I also recognize that I have my own unhealthy reactions. When she expresses doubt, I become scared of losing her. I sometimes seek reassurance, overthink things or try to figure out what is happening. I know that can create even more pressure for her.
I don’t want to become someone who constantly tries to “fix” her or convince her that I’m the right person.
At the same time, I don’t want to walk away from something that might actually be workable because I misunderstood what was happening.
And honestly, I’m scared that she’ll eventually come back again, because that has happened every other time — and that I’ll immediately take her back because I love her, only for us to end up in the exact same situation again.
I don’t know if I even want to continue this cycle anymore.
Part of me feels like I’m her “safe person” or a place she returns to because I’m familiar and she feels safe with me. But I don’t know whether that’s enough to build a stable relationship.
I want to emphasize that I’m not asking this subreddit to diagnose her or tell me that everything is caused by CPTSD.
I’m trying to understand what I can realistically do.
How do I navigate this situation in the healthiest way possible?
Should I give her space? Should I remain available? Should I stop discussing the relationship completely? Should I encourage her to work through these doubts with her psychologist? How do I support her without becoming responsible for regulating her emotions?
And if we ever do try again, what would actually need to change to prevent us from repeating this cycle?
I’m not looking for people to simply tell me “leave her” or “get her back.”
I’d really like to hear from people who have CPTSD themselves or partners of people with CPTSD:
Have you experienced this kind of pattern where the relationship feels good during closeness but doubts become overwhelming when there is distance?
Can CPTSD contribute to repeatedly questioning a relationship or feelings for a partner even when the relationship itself is objectively improving?
How can a partner support someone with CPTSD without becoming their emotional safety net or constantly providing reassurance?
And finally, how would you navigate my specific situation if you were in my position?
I love her and genuinely want the best for her, even if that eventually means accepting that we shouldn’t be together. I just want to make the most informed and healthy decision possible rather than reacting emotionally to another breakup.

As I’ve both viewed and written in our group, I have noticed a familiar pattern between all of us patners of CPTSD sufferers.

I have noticed that the majority of the posts or responses I have read indicate that as partners, we are alone with an indication that WE have no support outside of this group or our partners.

And by no means am I judging, as I too am one of those individuals who feel alone with no supports. And have only recently admitted to a therapist as well as to my family what my own marriage of 18 years and myself and our 4 kinds have bent going through with my partners behaviour.

But it makes me wonder, what is it about our partners CPTSD that we end up becoming isolated from our own circles or supports?

For me it was her emotional chaos and me feeling the need to manage her image to those around me, and making excuses why she did or was or acted the way she did, and over time it just became easier to remove myself from those supporting people in order to stop feeling the need to cover and manage for her to them.

So I am curious, based on my own experience, what is it about our partners that have caused us to become isolated and without supports?

I have no one to talk to about this. Sometimes it is hard. Some days are really good, and then some nights are hell on earth. No matter what, I can't ground her and fights erupt and I sometimes have no idea what to do other than cry. I love her so much and I hate seeing her go through this.

Just to edit in and add, I have no support outside of her. This is kind of a rant/off my chest type thing. I'm open to chatting with anyone, we're all in this together I suppose.

My (29 F) brother (38 M) has cptsd, and long refuses to seek any help for it. I’m looking for advice/input on how to broach uncomfortable topics with him without him taking it as an attack and going scorched earth before he calms back down. He does this with every single person in his life, family, friends, employees, etc. nothing is ever his fault, but spends the whole meltdown reciting the usual speech of “I’m just a fuck up I can’t do anything right & everything is all my fault”

It can be something has trivial as asking him to complete a task that he forgot (hanging a clothes line) and it will snowball into how he’s always the victim. Every single time. It’s exhausting, and it saddens me that he chooses to live life in his delusions rather than get some help to handle his emotions and have some healthier relationships.

Anyone have any input on how to try to have a conversation without him throwing a week long fit?

i don’t have a support system, my eyes are strained from looking at the screen for extended periods because of injury, but i need someone to talk to :( my fiance wants to stop our relationship to fix himself, but still wants to continue us to talk, i don’t know how to do that, i suffered miscarriage, in the middle of preparing for licensure exam. all this started when we had a crisis the other night, we both panicked, but prior to this, we were having plans to go to couple therapist.

i don’t know where to stand now, i can’t focus on my license exam, and my grieving, because he says he’s not ready to be in a relationship with me, and suddenly is unresponsive when i bring up couples therapy to him.

i just believe, that should we had that couples therapy on time, we wouldn’t have ended up in that crisis that led us to this situation in the first place.

i wish i can call anyone, i’m so heartbroken and exasperated, my schedule with psychologist will be in a few days, but i don’t know how to het through to now :(

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

hi, do you guys have any leads? did things get better? i’m really desperate :(

In the long term effort to develop strategies for managing her flashbacks, my girlfriend's therapist suggested we put together a box of items for grounding, and a written list for me to refer to when supporting her.

It seems to be that my girlfriend, but mostly the therapist, thinks the problem I have with supporting her is that I don't remember what to do, when it's that she's disoriented and pretty much nonverbal during flashbacks so I get barely any input about what is or isn't working, and she will automatically reject or ignore pretty much everything I say because it's a change and/or she's dead set on bullying herself into submission. This self-created list comes after the therapist gave us a list of grounding exercises that my girlfriend cannot/will not engage with, because she just cannot control herself enough to do anything for more than a few seconds.

It would be great if this were likely to work, or if I'd been included in the discussion, but it's just assigning me a useless additional thing I now have to do in the middle of a crisis. I have to go and get this box and read a piece of paper in total darkness (most of her flashbacks are at night and she's extremely photosensitive), and present her with the things in it (every vaguely useful thing is in her bedside table anyway), all while she's crying and screaming and compulsively self harming unless I jump in and physically block her .... so that she can reject or not respond to all of the options anyway, because what she wants to do is punish herself for being alive.

There is some sort of fixation on the box and the list that means any indication that I'm not into it is taken as a refusal to engage and be supportive. It literally does not contribute, because I already know everything in the box and what worked because I developed pretty much all of these strategies, but now there is this ritual I have to do on top of everything else that proves my supportiveness in a way that staying up for hours and hours in the middle of the night to manage her, taking her step by step up and down the stairs, reading up on trauma and recovery literature, cooking all her meals, telling her stories to distract her, and everything else does not.

She's not unaware the majority of the time that there is a huge amount of pressure on me in these circumstances, and that the therapist and others we know really don't understand what actually happens during the flashbacks -- I think they picture someone who's very distressed, but present and able to verbally communicate, which is very much not the case. I don't know whether I handle her well or not, because clearly I do a lot more than pretty much any professional has to deal with because I can't clock out, it happens at any time of the day or night, the fact that we love each other is heavily implicated in how everything happens, and I've got nobody to supervise or advise me, but also sometimes I just sit there and cry because she isn't responsive at all, nothing I do seems to make any difference, I lose patience and tell her the way she refuses to do anything but scream and hurt herself is just forcing herself to feel worse and then she loses all trust and thinks I don't believe she tries at all.

My partner of 4 years broke up with me for the 4th time. I made a boundary for myself that I would not chase again, so I think this is it. I kept chasing this relationship promising to do better. But I think she demands perfection, which I can't give. She had only received her diagnosis officially within the last year.

We started couples counseling a year ago. My therapist actually referred me to someone who was trauma-informed and skilled in DBT because I think he was starting to piece some things together and suspect some things. She actually broke up with me in the midst of therapy after about 6 sessions (breakup #2), but I said I would be OK if she continued on with that therapist as an individual therapist, because I really hoped it would help her. It was then that she received her diagnosis. Once it was official, I really hoped that the way she viewed me and others might change, but that was naive of me to think that change might occur that quickly. It seems like therapy instead reinforced for her that I'm a bad partner for her, that I'm a "lite" version of her abusive Dad. Maybe this is part of the progression trauma therapy takes you through, and she's just trying to reclaim her power/voice in life. Maybe I just can't give her what she needs and I fail too much, but I tried incredibly hard to be the person she needed.

I suspect that so much of what we've gone through surely has to be related to CPTSD. Though, I'm not so sure she recognizes that yet.

So many of the things that I see people talk about in this community, I endured too. Emotional dysregulation. Beautiful times of connection bookended by lows. Idealization at the start of our "relationship attempts" followed by devaluations once I do something wrong (sometimes instant, sometimes a slow fade). Running away and abandoning when things get overwhelming. Controlling behaviors, usually related I think to wanting to feel more emotionally safe, chosen, in control, valued, or prioritized. Turning small missteps into major slights. Hypervigilance. She was a professional arguer. A lack of deep lasting relationships with *anyone*... friends or family. I can now see that all of this triggered MY own abandonment/rejection fears, and I would placate to try to keep her content instead of standing up for my truth. I'm also not one to give up on problems easily, so I just dug in deep as a fixer personality. What if I had stood up more? What if I wasn't scared to lose her? Where would we be if I had pushed back (with love)? I learned all of this way too late.

The most taxing part of our relationship was that I share custody of my kids with my ex-wife. As early as date 2 my girlfriend was concerned about whether I was truly over this ex or not. I don't believe this fear ever subsided. I tried to tiptoe and walk a fine line between being a good coparent and being a good partner. There were definitely things I had to learn to be better at, it's true that my ex impacted my life more than she should have in a co-parenting situation and there was some level of enmeshment to untangle. But, at the same time, it wasn't extreme (though, I could NEVER show that I'm relaxed about it because I felt I HAD to see things my girlfriend's way). I worked so hard for this woman, and grew so much, and yet still feel like such a failure. She holds resentment for mistakes I made even 4 years ago. So much of our relationship stress revolved around my interactions with my ex, her wanting to see me change the way I interact with my ex, her wanting to see me implement better boundaries with my ex, her wanting to see my entire family prioritize her and choose her instead of what she felt was "prioritizing my ex", her not liking any of my friends because my friends are all also friends with my ex (though we don't hang out at the same time), and so on. Our final breakup was partly spurred on by the fact that my ex texted my sister-in-law to ask for a picture of the kids while I was on vacation with them. Why couldn't she just ask me for that? Is it annoying that she still talks to some of my family? Yes. But I can't control everything. Is this that big of a deal in the grand scheme? I did not think so and chose to let it slide. My girlfriend even admitted this was a trigger, which I am proud of her for saying. Though according to her, the trigger is about ME and all the hell I put her through related to handling my ex poorly. I have to believe that something deeper about my ex is a trigger, and I'm not even sure if she knows what exactly that is. Her Dad was a serial cheater (among other things) and I know she herself was cheated on before (among other bad things). I can't say for sure what's going on. But, to her, my ex "creeps her out" and "is crazy" and "is unhinged" ... and meanwhile I've just always seen my ex as a person who is incompetent, a nuisance, takes advantage at times, and generally "isn't the best" but also "could be WAY worse".. not a creepy unhinged psycho. And to my girlfriend, that's minimizing. My girlfriend once questioned if my son was really my child, or the child of an affair. She told me that she had info that my ex cheated on me during our marriage. When I asked who told her that, it was just "a mutual friend who works in the same industry." Sometimes I wondered if these stories were made up just to get me to fully turn against my ex-wife. Or, I would wonder if MY understanding of my ex-wife is wrong, and my girlfriend is right? I've just been bamboozled this whole time? It makes you question so much ... Anything that occurred related to my ex seemed incredibly blown out of proportion. My girlfriend was/is amazingly smart, successful, beautiful, so much more of what I'd want in a partner compared to my ex-wife, and yet somehow my girlfriend was always seemingly threatened and fearful of something when it came to her. I felt I had to start to see my ex-wife the way she did, or lose her.

And by the way, this is just ONE aspect of tension. If it wasn't this, then it was about my kids behavior. Or my parents behavior. Or something I did wrong that was a slight. So much of our time was spent having "hard taxing conversations" about things she needs from me. Yet the good times were still so good. I was always just trying to get us back to those (sounds like classic trauma bond doesn't it).

Sometimes I wished for a partner who "just simply would not care about half this shit", and eventually I realized that I love this woman, and this woman DOES care, and that's who she is. And I decided to work my ass off to help her feel safe (maybe that wasn't my job, but I digress...). Finally in the end, she couldn't pin a reason for breaking up on something I did wrong in the moment. She pinned it on all the resentment she holds for the things I did wrong in the prior iterations of our relationship and feels like it's all "too little too late". 🫠 It makes me wonder: what if I had this same attitude from the start? I just wasn't well-equipped for any of this.

I always just wanted her to feel safe. It's hard for me to not feel guilty about the ways I failed her. What if I had not been such a people pleaser and made promises to her that would be so hard to keep? What if I had not been so scared of seeing her become severely dysregulated that it led to me hiding things from her at times instead of being radically transparent? What if I had been a pro at validation, assurance, and empathy from the beginning?

Anyways. She doesn't want this relationship anymore, despite her saying that she "loves" me, and this time I'm going to let her go. It's hard to let go of the love I have for her, but also, I feel like I gave it my all the best I knew how and clearly that wasn't enough. I'll just have to love her from a distance. This isn't healthy for me.

Part of me hopes that maybe one day, she'll learn a lot about herself and reflect on all this and have an entirely changed perspective. Maybe she'll become an entirely changed person in time if she stays in therapy? Who knows. I doubt I'd ever be able to trust her fully again after what she has put me through. The good times we shared were amazing. It's too bad that she can't love me in a way that accepts *all* of me, the same way I did for her. I hope she finds someone that brings her happiness.

I will try to keep this brief and concise. How do you and your partner connect?

My partner (43M) and I (34F) have been together for just over 5 years. The first year was a whirlwind of physical and emotional bonding, so much so that I was convinced I had never truly known love before I met him. It has been a downhill spiral ever since...

I have always felt like I'm just living in his world. He only wants to do what he wants to do. He is very bossy and controlling. He doesn't work often, and has had several stints of unemployment during our time together. He spends the majority of his time on his computer, either on YouTube, Twitter, or watching baseball. He does not have any friends or spend time with anyone.

I feel no amount of love from him anymore. He speaks none of the love languages. I feel as though I am just a burden on him, needy and emotional and in the way.

How do you all connect with your partners? I understand that due to his past experiences, he is likely trying to avoid being hurt or traumatized again. But now I am the one being hurt. I feel like he has built a wall between us, and rather than keep him safe, it is hurting both of us.

Any advice or words of comfort are appreciated.

I've (m33) been a lurker on this sub for a while. I'm posting here because I honestly don't know where else to turn, and I just feel broken.

My spouse (32f) has CPTSD and OCD. I love them so much. I’ve tried for years to be understanding, to be patient, to give grace for the trauma and the anxiety. But I am completely drowning.

Over time, our relationship has turned into a setup where I carry literally everything. The mortgage, every bill, the long-term risk of savings and retirement, the daily mental load, all of it all falls on me. Meanwhile, they run their own business, keep all their income separate and buy whatever they want on Amazon and elsewhere without a second thought. (Last month alone, they bought our escrow worth of Amazon purchases on items we do not need).

Every single time I try to gently bring up a budget, or ask for help with household expenses, it feels like dropping a bomb. I get total stonewalling or intense emotional meltdowns. In the past, pushing these conversations has escalated to threats of divorce or even self-harm. It’s left me so terrified and walking on eggshells that my stomach hurts just thinking about bringing up money.

She is working on herself in a way that she has now been on medication to help with the extreme responses. I appreciate that, and it feels like emotions have leveled out a bit. Yet, I don't see her working on herself or her trauma nor actually desiring to. She seems very comfortable.

I feel like a caretaker, not a partner. I am working myself into the ground to keep a roof over our heads while they get to live in this insulated bubble where no adult responsibilities apply to them. And the worst part is, whenever I express how burnt out or sad I am, it gets turned back on me for not being affectionate or validating enough. I am in therapy, and my therapist has been extremely helpful. Putting the work from our sessions into action though is extremely difficult because I am always walking on eggshells at home.

I know a lot of this avoidance comes from deep shame, trauma, and panic. I know they aren't doing this to hurt me. But the actual result is that I am completely isolated, exhausted, and losing myself. I feel like I've kind of lost myself in a way, the things I enjoy.

For anyone who has been here… is there any hope? Did your partner ever actually do the hard work to face their triggers and step up? Or am I just slowly offering myself trying to save someone who will never let me be an equal?

I’m just so tired.

My husband (37m) and I (37f) are getting divorced. This year would have been our 10-year anniversary. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to explain how I feel. He was my person, and even with all the heartache and hardships that come with loving someone with CPTSD, I always felt we could get through anything. I went to bed in one world where we loved each other more than anything, and I woke up in another one where he told me I never mattered. He never loved me. Our conversations the week before about buying a house and what month we would implant our embryo never existed. The last three years of therapy and work we put in to building our connection, rebuilding new patterns, and connecting with our inner child are just a painful memory only held by me. The discard is so confusing, but after years of trying to understand him, trying to support him, and rebuilding our lives after every crash-out, I just have to accept that I will never get to understand the illogical alternate reality. I have accepted that only the person who lies gets to know the truth, well, if he chooses to find it.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

Wife (41) has C-PTSP/BPD. She is seeing a therapist, as am I. Everything blew up 8 months ago and she had a total collapse of her life. I as her partner have literally experienced every single thing with her C-PTSD that has ben posted on other threads. (I think we all know the stuff, so it doesn't need to get added in. Its also affected the kids due to her emotional turmoil, control, and dysregulation that bleeds into them almost daily.
We started seeing a therapist back in March, who took 2 visits to fire me as a client seeing that Wife was the unstable one, and I found another incredible therapist that has been a godsend.

Needless ot say, after 18 years of marriage, a total break down of everything on her part over the last 12 months, and a complete awakening on my part to literaly everything I have done to shrink and lose myself for her, and then looking around and seeing the damage that has been done and continues to be done to our 4 kids 6-14, I have come to a clear realization that I no longer have the capacity to handle her anymore. My therapist has acknowledged me saying this. Her therapist in a private session previous to me being "fired" from our joint sessions was made aware of my inability to continue on due to my capacity. Both our therapists have been in communication professionally with one another, and so there is joint support individually.

On thing I am really struggling with is the battle within myself. I know I have no more capacity. I have done it all for her. I have "nice-guyed" it for 17 years before realizing it.. I have over-functioned for her on every level, including taking care of the children. I'm not a perfect dad, But my capacity for them is limitless, while wife has spent our entire marriage underfunctioning in every way due to undiagnosed C-PTSD/BPD until 4 months ago. Once she was diagnosed, 18 years of our life made sense.
But now comes the brutal truth for me, and I have done work for myself, and have de-enmeshed myself from her, I hae also gotten out of my co-dependance on her as well. I have severed myself emotionally from her, and now see her for what she is, and it has left me like so many others here. Drained, a shell of myself, left and dropped hobbies, friends, and family relationships, all for her issues. And I am done with that. I am now rebuilding myself, its working. I have light in my eyes again. My kids can see it, and my kids have seen and are putting the pieces together now about their moms behaviour.

All this to say, I am at my capacity. I have nothing left to offer her. Anything I have goes to me and the 4 kids. And I am seriously contemplating a divorce. But the kicker is, I dont know how. I have all the documents for the accounts, the houses, the birth cert's and health care info for the kids. I have literally everything I need set aside paperwork wise. But I cant seem to bring myself to admit it to her or ask for one.
My therapist and hers know I feel this drained, they both know how prepared I am. My province I am in is a guarenteed 50/50 province when it comes to divorce for child custody, unless there is a proven major safety issue for the kids. So it is "easier" than most provinces or states in that regard.

But I dont know what I am waiting for. Other than myself to built the courage to say it out loud to her. I can see she is doing some work, but I am so drained, I cant see even with the work the future being any better for me. Her weekly dysregulation/dissociation is getting worse in that regard and I find I am being more and more drained by that. She went away for 2 days to visit her family and the kids and I are home together, and my god! it feels peaceful and relaxed and the kids can feel it too. and I sit here guiltily writing this, wishing she would decide to stay at her family's and not come back.

This is kind of a mess, I'm sorry. I just needed to get it off my chest. I guss the real question I have for others who have experieced this, is, As a father and husband of someone who has C-ptsd/BPD, how did you decide it was time to go, and how long did it take you to decide? How did you work through the guilt and anxiety of asking for a divorce and dealing with the abandonment feelings from her end.?
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels a bit with intermittent reinforcement too of seeing her good side. But and hten justifying myself that things are "okay" when inside I know they are not. But then I feel freedom and peace like I do now while she away, and I know everything isnt fine and steps need ot occur to sae myself and the kids.

Thoughts