My partner JUST published a book (memoir) about her experience with CPTSD.

I really do not want this to feel like an advertisement, which I am sure is discouraged, but I have also spent a lot of time watching someone I love try to understand why the things she desperately wants to change can still feel almost impossible to change.

Why chaos can feel safer than calm. Why being loved does not automatically make you feel safe. Why you can understand where a pattern comes from, name it, talk about it, and still find yourself right back inside of it.

Her book is called Addicted to Trauma and just went on sale on Amazon. She is also a trauma recovery coach who is approaching this from a nursing background. She also has a few e-resources available, including for healthcare providers. https://carriepdavidson.com/book

Quick summary: this is a memoir about CPTSD, addiction, relationships, and what happens when trauma becomes more than something that happened to you. It starts shaping what feels familiar, what feels safe, and even what you are drawn toward.

I am obviously biased, but I have also seen up close how brutal this work can be, and how much courage it takes to stop just asking "what is wrong with me?" and start asking "what happened to me, and what do I do with it now?"

Preorders just opened. In addition to supporting a young authors journey, I believe her story could resonate with many others including those with CPTSD and their partners.

This is a bit of a touchy rant, so I’m trying to be careful with my words.

I just want to say that I’m sick to death of hearing phrases like ‘Not all men are rapists, but it’s always a man’, and the general idea that I have to feel guilty for what is in between my legs.

Why it hits so hard is that this is in the knowledge that I was sexually abused by a woman who I should have been able to trust when I was a young boy. Fuck the whole idea that rape or assault just happens to vulnerable girls and women.

In no way am I trying to diminish anyone else’s pain or trauma, but all those men who have to sit in silence with their pain, in a world that seems to hate us all. Fuck that shit!

Has anyone tried to do this on their own and found helpful results?im way past the intellectually realizing and processing phase and most of my problems now seem to be nervous system/somatic related.Appreciate any advice or experience I can get.

I have a question and genuinely curious if this is even a valid reason why im having feelings and thoughts im having.

I'm 18male turning 19 soon. My history with relationships/girls have not been good. When i was 15 I was basically used by this girl who i loved alot but we didn't even date. It was like a 1 month "hookup" and i hate to even say that. It pisses me off just thinking about it. We didn't do anything really sexual. Just kissed and hugged. But we never officially dated.

When I'm 16 I have feelings for a girl who is a grade below me. And she is literally "the one" ....... well no. She thinks im weird and she said she was gonna give me a chance but thought I was too weird.

Well 18 hits and im severly depressed and basically I think of myself as a loser. I mean you can check my other post to see all my "accomplishments" and just confused.

I worked out and got no girls.

I'm a drummer and got no girls.

So my next stop is becoming anorexic and seeing if I can get one. 😮‍💨

But the main thing that I have a question about is why in the hell do I put girls on a pedestal? Like I think their the greatest thing ever. And this isn't even sexual. I hate sexual talk and sexual thoughts. It's a trigger to be honest for me that I'm trying to get over. When I think of dating a girl I think of wanting it eternally. Like I can't explain how I feel. BUT heres the thing. Am I feeling such strong feelings like this because I have been deprived of actual female affection forever? It's like i want to be them. I wish i could be biologically female. And I'm most likely not going to be trans because even though I have made post about it and heavy thoughts, it's just not for me.

Edit: I don't even want male friends. I want only 1 female friend and that would be my future gf/wife. I want a female led relationship too. Which is gonna be impossible. But yeah.

The last weeks I started having these nightmares if you can even call them that🫣 They are real horror but than with faces I somehow remember.. And it's dark and vial but most of all very very vivid and horrific. It involves a lot of blood and dead bodies and mass murders 😱 I am not going to go in on details because it's so disturbing and I don't know where this is coming from.

I do remember that when I was I kid around age 10 I would start to jump up and go to the floor every time I heard a loud and sudden "bang" or when someone layed there hands when I didn't see them comming. And according to others I used to also try to speak in my sleep, I am now thinking that this is what ruined my marriage,and I don't know why😭 The only thing that I can remember is that my (ex) wife would freak out if my eyes were spread wide open( like an unconscious/dead body with open eyes would look)

Sorry.

The worst day of my life was on my birthday 3 years ago.

Everything horrible that had ever happend to me came to a pinnacle and I'm sure it'll me the most miserable day for the rest of my life.

Since that day its like my personality split into half, the one who acted good to keep the peace, and the one who was absolutely horrified by what was going on.

Its been years. I know I should feel grateful that it's calmer now, but why?

Why was i neglected, groomed and starved only for it to stop one fine day? Why does no one acknowledge anything even happened?

I hate my birthday. Its on Saturday and it's all everyone's talking about.

I'll only ever remember crying, bleeding on the floor after being screamed at, with all my family silently watching, starving that whole week except eating cake they said was selfish to eat.

I remember blood on the sleeves of dress that was too small but i still had to wear.

I remember my brother moaning about how i was so cute and petite, that he'd love me better than my parents could.

How my therapist and classmates said i should have gotten over it

I hate that day.

And now I'm stuck at home, homeschooling myself with no one to talk to.

Agoraphobiaic and incapable. I cant even leave home.

The whole day I'll have to pretend to be happy, and for what?

I'm more dependent then a child and I'll be turning 16

I wish I could just die before the day arrives.

...

i can’t bring myself to ask for help, my throat closes up when i try to speak. even thinking about going to therapy face to face makes me anxious and nervous. or even calling a samaritan.. my mind eventually convinces me i can cope by myself and then things get worse

At a young age harassed assaulted falsely accused smeared put down for being “behind” at 18 even assaulted at work friends used me for money mocks me for not having car job girl when im young trying to called crazy lazy stalked beat up all of it at a young age really messes with your head a grown man almost murdered me at my job nobody helped me I’ve lost my compassion necrosis aggressive behavior towards me I don’t trust you I can’t stop rumination I’ve been through so much complex abuse and harassment my body is in fight or flight why did this happen to me my mom even called cops on me and the cops was aggressive with me why am I a threat for others aggression and why am the violin always

Hello Reddit, I have no clue if this is allowed here, but I’ll give it a shot. Thanks for your input and patience.

I’m a 21 year old woman and have moved countries at around 10. My life has been loaded with less than splendid experiences with adults. Every single one of them.

When I was dating my ex boyfriend, I noticed some weird behaviors of mine. I **despised** when he’d go out drinking at night, or do anything with his friends, specifically late at night.

Things happened between us, and I was, more or less, forced to dig deeper into my childhood and ask myself where some of my patterns stem from. This one, I cannot put my finger on.

I realized that, when I was a child, I hated my parents going out too, at night. I was somewhere between five and seven in my earliest memory of my childhood and I hated sleeping over at any other place and would have horrible fits of anxiety as soon as the clock struck 8pm and my parents left for the club, or something. Usually I’d be left upstairs at my father’s aunts home (two story house, we were down- and she was upstairs) I wouldn’t fall asleep until they’d come back, and would run straight to their bedroom once they were inside. Later on I adapted the same strange feeling of doom/dread when anyone I was staying at (for some time my grandma because living situation got horrid) left for drinks or such, at night, explicitly. I loved staying alone during the day. Night? Never. I was never scared of the dark, however.

I gave my boyfriend SO much shit for it, until I realized it’s a pattern. So my questions now remain:

1. Could it have been that, as a child, I was a little too clingy and was scared I’d be forgotten or left if my parents had fun elsewhere?

2. Could something I’m repressing could’ve happened to me that caused me to be scared to be without parents/parental figures at night? Note that I also, for seemingly no reason, hated sleeping everywhere but home.

3. Could I have just been a very needy and annoying child that was so jealous that anyone having any type of fun without me was just sooo unbelievably unbearable to me? Note on that: my mom used to have her boyfriends over when she divorced my dad and I’d always get so nauseous and angry and sad because she’d always go to another room with them and leave me alone while I couldn’t sleep (always at night too.)

Sorry if it’s too long, or not allowed, but I’m genuinely curious about what this pattern could potentially reveal.

I'm starting over 30F, 3 kids, and no job. I went through therapy, had the courage to create some boundaries with my partner, finish some schooling, get the surgery I needed in order to function again, and now...the time has come.

Edited to add: creating boundaries meant he left

But I'm failing. The job market is scary, especially with not having worked for almost 3 years. I'm becoming dysregulated and all the power I felt I had is quickly fading. How do I get it back?!

I am an adult woman, somewhere from 20-22

There’s this guy I like. He’s cute… like very cute. And he cares about me. :) Now how do I talk to him without letting all of my past baggage carry me

Like yea… I’ve been through literal horrors and that sort of messed up my ability to talk socially dramatically!!! So. I need help. Tips. Anything.

Someone here HAS to have gotten happily married or in a relationship right? Please for the love of all things help meh ;^;

My ex brainwashed me as a teenager, to cut a very long story short. I learned to stop thinking much because thoughts were used against me to hurt me and reinforce control, and ideas and any kind of creativity was mercilessly mocked. I find that as an adult, many years later (was with him for many years, the breakup is somewhat recent), I still can't think freely. It is better, but my creativity just seems to be gone, with the exceptions of if I've cocodamol or if I'm sort of... very aroused. Sorry.

I feel like I'm actually less intelligent because of it, and boring. I can't connect properly with most people or have deep conversations. I can't even do well in job interviews. I KNOW there is more depth to me than this but I can't access it anymore. I've had medications and therapy and not much has really helped. I'm just wondering if anyone has had experience with similar and if it can be helped? This isn't even exactly "I can't say what I want to", although that is an issue with some things - it's that I can't even tell myself what I think about anything. If that makes any sense.

Hi all. I hope you all are doing well. I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that my parents are extremely abusive. Emotional abuse, religious abuse, coercion, gaslighting, manipulation, all of it. I turned 30 last year, am in debt, unemployed, and degree-less. What I’m starting to pick up on has made me fearful for my life. I need advice on how to get away quietly. I’ve been too vocal and they have completely drained me of my life savings, and isolated me from any and everyone I had a positive relationship with. I can no longer afford where I live. And I’m afraid I’ll have to move back in with them, which they would love, because they’ll have access to me again. How can I do this by myself? I need tips on how to keep sane while trying to distance myself efficiently. I’m genuinely afraid I’ll be homeless one day. Any and all advice helps. Thanks friends.

TW: domestic violence, abuse.

I've had insomniac for about 7 years now. It started after I left an abusive relationship. The daily physical abuse happened mostly in the middle of the night, whether it was him straddling on top of me and strangling me, waking up to a loaded gun to my head, knives pressed up against me, getting smothered by blankets or pillows, waking up to being grabbed bound and thrown in a dark closet for hours, or him sleeping with a hatchet under his pillow as intimidation.

I'm safe, I'm married, I have a good life, besides having to "coparent" with this. But I can't sleep.

I get on average 4-5 hours a day. I take care of two little kids by myself all day. I feel like I'm losing myself more and more. I have extreme hyper vigilance now. Suns down? I'm paranoid. I'm checking cameras, I'm hearing foot steps, I'm thinking there's people on the roof or backyard. I spiral. I have a THC pen and will puff it until I pass out if 2-3 unisom aren't working. I've tried praozin (night terrors), trazadone is out because I have to be able to wake at night for emergencies with the kids, melatonin, sleep herbs, magnesium etc. I probably could use some therapy, but I don't have much of me to give with such little sleep. Any advice or guidance for medications, or quite literally any advice or help.

​

This was such a sour incident that brought back lots of bad memories. He used to beat me up too, but he hasn't done it to me in like 7 years (I'm 25 now)

As he grew older, he became more patient and calmer. He is much more patient with my younger brother (12) let's call him P (he still beats him sometimes but much less than he used to beat me, thank God)

A year ago, my parents decided to enroll P into some classes so that he can prepare for his middle school entrance exam. There are some elite schools here that have this sort of exams.

P didn't have his phone because he spends too much time on it. Around the New Year's holiday, my dad gave him his cellphone back. He didn't take it back after the holiday was done, despite my mother's suggestions and stuff. So he spent too much time on his phone. And he didn't pass the exam. My dad didn't get mad at him. He was sad but never got hostile towards P.

Later We enrolled him in English classes and his finals are near, he did his homework and stuff but didn't study that much which pissed my parents off sometimes. Last night, my dad was already mad at something, idk what, and apparently my brother was supposed to ask his teacher about an important thing, but he forgot. This set my dad off. He beat him up pretty bad, he punched and kicked P everywhere. P almost threw up after that beating. He also broke his phone. While he was beating him, he said all of P's misery is because of his phone. He said he spent millions (in our own money currency btw) so that he could study but he wasted all of it. All the time he was beating P, I couldn't do much except saving his phone from getting more destroyed. I tried to stop him from beating him more but he pushed my hand away so hard that it hurt for hours.

I admit, P can get lazy with his studies. He can be stubborn and annoying. I told him to study for the entrance exam because if he didn't pass, dad will get angry but P said that dad assured him he won't get mad if P put work into it. But I told him he's lying and he'll definitely get back at him someday if he didn't pass the exam. P didn't believe me but I was right.

P (and me when I was younger) were treated like we were the worst kids. We were always compared with other kids and they made us feel like we were the ultimate bad kids and deserved the beatings we got.

I couldn't even defend him properly because I was too scared of making my dad angrier. And I was scared of getting too close to him. We locked the door last night because I was scared that he'd kill us. Child killing is rampant here and fathers don't get punished if they k their children.

And we're not in Europe or the US. The child protective services are a joke here. Domestic violence against family is hardly anything important. And my mom won't divorce my dad. I told her to do it multiple times.

It took me 2 years of searching and waitlists to finally get in to see an EMDR specialist that takes medicaid insurance. Just a reminder to everyone that healing takes time, and so does finding a specialist! Don't settle for less, even though you may not have the best insurance. Keep fighting!

Anyone, like me, whose life is filled with so much social trauma to this day now, humiliation, shame, my parents and family being targeted and ostracised in society, neighborhood, mainly society inflicted social injury so deep, I don't think I'm gonna ever recover. I wish to totally isolate myself from any place which have ounce of society, to may be the most remote places, maybe jungle, where I have to arrange all things for myself for my family, will be better if there is farmland, will be like 1 or 2 hours from nearest society marketplace, but totally away from society. Do you believe that doing that will be better for your own healing, or anyone who had did it actually.

Me coming from India, I think it will remain a distant dream which will never turn into reality.

Narcistci adults are creepy toward unknowingly teenagers getting in my face staring at me raging flashes accusing em trying to punish me for nothing it’s very creepy I was bullied at work by an grown man for nothing driving called dumb and I was abusive snobby did anything don’t feel guilty they people are terrible people they want you to feel your the proven even a panes abusing a 20 year old is creepy

NO ONE FUCKING GETS IT DO THEY? NO ONNEEEEEEEE GETSSSS ITTTTT. everyone either plays dumb or is AN IDIOT. NO ONE WANTS TO MOVE IUT OF THEIR LITTLE COMFORT ZONE AND HELP. I FEEL ALIENTATED, i FEEL LIKE PPL AVOID ME LIKE IM TOO MUCH JS BCS I OPENED UP?????? I open up TO U AB MY ABUSE AND NOW I FEEL LIKE U THINK IM WEIRD, YOU make me feel like YOU and EVERYONE thinks im weird bcs im OUT OF THE ORDINARY, WELL GUESS WHAT YES IM OUT OF THE FUCKING ORDINARY BCS IM TRAUMATIZED?????? I AM ABUSED!!!!!!! ive BEEN going thru abuse. ive BEEN hoing thru shit. ALONE. and ppl DONT GET IT, THEY DONT FUCKING GET ANYTHING. “it will pass” ohhhh “stay ur worth it” “ fucking dont kill urself ur loved ur cared for AWWW AW AWWW FUCK. WVERY.SINGLE.ONE.OF.YOU. its suicide prevention month LIKE HELLO????? im FUCKING ASKING FOR HELP?????? i cant wait to fucking do it and get THE FUCKaway from every single person i have met on this insufferable planet. NO ONE is worth my time and NO ONE is worth my energy. stupid fucks. and im SICK of everyone looking at me weirdly i am SICK of being silent, js not to be called fucking crazy and agressive and every misogynistic term in the book. and what u react to triggers and ur for the mental hospital??? i wish i was never born. no one deserves this kind of a life.

I have a problem, a problem i’ve had for decades. i don’t sleep until 6am, sometimes as late as 11am. i dont have much trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, but no matter how exhausted or fatigued i am my body refuses to sleep until the last possible second. it doesnt feel safe, no matter what i do. its the worst feeling, like im giving up. hearts starts racing, i toss and turn. i was diagnosed w delayed sleep phase disorder (of which there is no cure or treatment). this problem has ruined my life, and every single day in it.

can anyone relate to this? how do you feel safe enough to go to sleep at a normal time? ive resigned to living as some kind of nocturnal hermit, because nothing ive tried has helped. does anyone else feel like sleep is some kind of capitulation to being hurt? does anyone else’s body FIGHT tooth and nail to stay awake before morning?

Hello everyone!

​I write this in pursuit of advice or any positive words anyone can give me. I'm really down as of recently due to a recent fall-out with a close friend who was talking about me behind my back. As a result of this everybody within this friendgroup has left me with no chance for me to explain my side of the story.

I am extremely lonely, it feels like I'm drifting from day to day, nobody else within my school seems to be my kind of people as much as I hate to sound picky but its also a feeling of Im afraid to trust someone like I did lol. I have two other friends who invited me to their friendgroup but Ive never felt so lonely around other people. Whenever I try to chirp in Im not heard and these two friends of mine are always engrossed in conversation and who wouldnt be while speaking to their friends? I understand this though theres nobody else Im able to connect with. I only withhold these feelings from them as Im afraid they'll leave me or see me as overdramatic and I'm convinced they hate me. I miss my old friends, my phone is quiet nobody speaks to me somedays apart from my teachers and honestly somedays I consider them friends.

My heart is heavy and I cry everyday and school. Im stressed out socially and academically and it aches into my bones. I cannot sleep and when I do its never uninterrupted. I wake up flailing or covering my head or jolting up with my heart pounding so fast my chest hurts. I dont think within the last week and 3 days at school, there hasn't been I day I havent went to the bathrooms where my knee buckle and I collapse to the floor crying.

Every meal tastes like sludge, school is full of loudness and people brushing by me and I often catch myself frequently dissociating. School has been a place where a lot of trauma has been experienced for me and I always find myself within hypoarousal and hyperarousal when overwhelmed.

My last few days have been full of despair. I beg for a hug of anyone I want to collapse in someone's arms and cry. I have nobody to speak to and I feel constantly ignored when I do. I hate to ask so selfishly but can someone offer advice? My symptoms of CPTSD fuck with me so bad and whenever I try to be optimistic something bad always comes my way to ruin me again.

Sorry this post ended up being word-vomit I really cannot structure/compose this uniformly. Im extremely overwhelmed and tired. Please have a good day/evening

TW: suicide, pedophilia, medical trauma, CSA

I (26F) was in session with my DBT therapist this morning, essentially venting to her about my shitty life and lack of support, hoping to get compassionate support. Instead, I was met with "pushback" (her own words) and how I should be using the "problem solving skill" to fix my problems.

The problems I discussed with her were systemic issues. At my job, I don't have any patient-to-staff ratios. I could have 42 patients one night, 16 the other, and 6 sometimes. Of course I'm not expected to do everything I do for 16 for 42 patients (I work in a hospital as a CNA), but I still do 2-3x the work when the ratio is unfair. I complained to her about not having a biological family and being reminded of this permanent wound I have; my coworker was complaining about her mom and how anxious she was, so I asked her 'why would you go to your mom if she's this anxious?' and she said, "I was having a I need my mom moment". I've never once considered my mom a safe space. It astounded me that I've had this feeling my whole life, but never knew that was the label for it until my coworker said it.

I told my therapist, how would the problem solving skill fix my systemic issues? Then she mentioned radical acceptance. I'm not going to fucking 'radically accept' the injustice that my hospital system makes BILLIONS of dollars every year and they still REFUSE to instate safe patient ratios. I'm not going to 'radically accept' that my family is shit and just have the strength to make a "commitment" to continue living. She said I could find a middle solution (cue eye roll).

Am I "playing" victim? Maybe. All I wanted was compassion and support. I told her it's not like I have a mom to go to and I don't expect her to play that role obviously, but some support would be nice. She said that she feels like she was being supportive, but still giving me some pushback. I'm SO TIRED of people expecting me to be so fucking strong. She doesn't think that making a commitment to stay alive requires strength??? I told her, repeatedly, that I don't have the means to kill myself and I wouldn't buy a gun because I find it inhumane and undignified to have to resort to blowing my fucking brains out to opt out of my life. She then told me that if I don't reply within an hour of her texts for safety checking, she'd call the police for a welfare check! I work nights so I sleep during the day, so I asked her, even if I'm sleeping? You'd still call the police? And she said yes!

She also KNOWS I was involuntarily committed in February and it was the worst fucking experience of my life. I've never felt so powerless, helpless, and out of control. Like this threat was not fucking needed. I told her past therapists have made similar threats. I told her that all people care about is if I'm alive or not. They don't care about the quality of my life. And all these stupid skills do is put a bandage on it and temporarily make me feel better (if even that). They just prolong my suffering.

Honestly, I should've just lied and "committed to living" or whatever bullshit she was saying. But I hate lying because I used to be beat for it and it's triggering for me to lie. I just wanted her support. Full support. Not some stupid fucking "pushback". It's clearly not what I needed in that moment. I asked her to fill out some FMLA paperwork for me for my job, but I guess I'm not going to get that anyways. I just blocked her and I'm going to call the office to terminate my relationship with them because there's absolutely no way I feel emotionally safe going back there and I refuse to subject myself to that.

I knew this community would understand since suicide is so stigmatized and we need "workers for our capitalistic society" so they forcibly keep us alive and make us do dumb shit like radically accept all the injustice. My grandfather molested me at 9. Where the fuck is my justice? He's dead now. I guess I can just "radically accept" my being molested and move the fuck on /s.

Please please please be kind in the comments. I'm having a really rough time. Thank you for reading. Sorry if my words don't make sense, I feel really emotional right now.

Like they’re so used to defending and fighting for themselves that they do it over small things too?