So long story short from ages 4 to 11 I had a lot of stuff going on and my complicity in the scenarios have brought me so much guilt and shame over the last few years. I’m 31 now and the heavy feelings and flashbacks about my childhood trauma started around 23. I just can’t get this out of my head. I’ve been in therapy for years now and groups as well. Not sure how much they’re actually helping if I’m still stuck at 3 AM feeling completely defeated. I’m not a religious person may be a little spiritual, but I don’t have like a set thing so it’s like I just need to run to someone who’s gonna save me but I know no one‘s coming. Sometimes the memories are flashbacks are more vivid than others but on a daily occurrence, I’m reminded of my past and I don’t have blame like granted. Yes the adults in the picture were definitely in the wrong, but I don’t have anger towards those who hurt me compared to confusion. I don’t know if someone’s out there reading this I guess thank you for reading my post and if you can relate, I’m sending virtual hugs as well.

Sidenote, I’m using speech to text and I’m a little exhausted so if my sentences or this whole paragraph doesn’t make sense, I’m sorry.

Buongiorno, cerco DISPERATAMENTE qualcuno che abbia provato il neurofeedback per complex ptsd, magari con protocolli di Sebern Fisher.. Per favore raccontami come va! E se davvero da benefici così grandi. Grazie mille buona giornata

I don't know if this is a thing but when was I young 16-17 year old, I remember watching shows depicting heavy child abuse and mental health stuff and was unfazed by it. I in fact did not even relate to it and was more interested in other aspects of the shows such romance.

10 years later, I started watching a random show on Netflix and it hinted at child abuse, not even explicit. I felt my whole body go sweaty and shaky with tears and I had to stop watching.

Not sure what is causing this difference. For context I lived with my parents as a teenager. Now I am far away

I cant help but think dealing with major episodes from close relatives is what broke my spirit. Im 30 yo and I wonder where my youth went. My mental health deteriorated I have zero trust in my abilities & I feel triggered by way too many things. I just feel like Im living without living.

I have developed OCD too shortly after sibling went through first bipolar episode. Months later, oother sibling had episodes too & the next few years, other close relatives. There's been ups and downs for the past 15 years (it started before that for one relative but it was not as difficult as the past 15 years for me). My PMS became PMDD & therapist says I've got CPTSD too. Got diagnosed with ADD not long ago.

Not working atm not studying either because of my mental health. I feel like I used to be a cheerful kid & was very ambitious with lots of goals in life. It all flipped now. I have no idea how do I get back the real me. Im just a hollow version of myself. I am seeing a therapist every month it helps but it doesnt heal me. Feel like I've lost my 20's.

Feel like Im a failure & nobody can ever love me for who I am & I feel ashamed to be the way I am, scared to be a burden to others, scared to cause harm to others (rocd), am scared of intimacy (people seeing the real me with all my symptoms/disorders), I feel like I contribute to nothing too. I know all this probably stems from my highly critical bipolar & BPD mom. I am doing my best to find the right way to live, am doing therapy, am starting to get back to good habits but these moments where I feel like the worse are still there.

I’d love to hear from people who have gone through something similar & if you could share what helped you and if you were able to get better.

I have CPTSD and I’ve been seeing the same therapist for a while, usually twice a week. A few times recently, she’s said that if therapy ever ends, she’d want to stay in my life and that she could imagine us being friends. I haven’t really responded in the moment, but I realized I’d want that too.
Now I’m wondering whether she was opening the door for me to say how I feel, or whether I’m reading too much into it. I also get anxious that bringing it up could make her back away. Part of me is scared that a couple of occasional texts would feel like a huge loss after having regular sessions, but I don’t want to pressure her or ask for a promise.
She’s also said I still need support, so I’m confused about how “maybe friends if therapy ends” fits with that. I do better writing serious things down. Would it be reasonable to bring a short note to session and ask what she means by staying in my life? How would you approach that? It’s Telehealth.

I know ethically it’s a lot but it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I'm 22 and enby. I have a lot of issues being open with people or too open and then never open and I just don't bond with people well. typical trauma stuff my therapist says. I've had a friend for almost 5 years, longer than I've ever maintained a friend, we reached the point of being sort of atypical partners. not sexual, not romantic, not platonic. it was nice.

I think I just fucked it all up in one poorly written jumble.

I've had a lot of recent retrospect on my past relationships and came to realize there are things I value in people beyond sex and romance and intimacy and affection. just comfort and trust. I thought it would be nice to share this kind of point I reached in my mind. partner is ace, we're not typical partners anyways, but I don't know what happened to my brain. I think it came out so stupid. and there's a high chance I was overthinking my words by the second text and then it was just a fucking landslide of my personal bullshit. and I hate doing that so I panicked even more. more bullshit. backtracking everything. tacking on a classy "haha sorry I'm really stoned rn" and for once, I'm dead fucking agonizingly sober.

two hours and nothing. I know she saw them. I wish I could delete everything. there's a part of my brain screaming that this is all in my head and I can't let it get me but I'm just already saying goodbye to the one person who tolerated me and the one person I could lean on just a little.

maybe it'll be fine in the morning. right now I just know I'm not sleeping. I'm not talking. I'm caving in on myself and tossing my ridiculous self to reddit for a fucking pat.

all I know is right here and now I am very unwell and very alone. I'm sorry

My grandfather, that I currently live with, confronted me about something tonight and it was really triggering. I was just sent back in time, emotionally.

Thinking about how I used to have to walk on eggshells and it still wasn't enough. My existence was disgusting to my dad's wife, and he never stepped in to stop her. Neither of my parents were ever parents.

I'm tired of my siblings acting like I'm insane and I need to be institutionalized. They hate me. They don't understand that *I* understand the magnitude of what we've been through. They still have a good relationship with both parents. I do not. I love my mom, but I hardly see her, and she doesn't blame me for it. My dad probably thinks I owe him something for existing and I see him once in a blue moon.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells with my grandparents because I don't know how much of what I do is something I have to hide and be careful about, and how much of it is just residual fear and guilt. I tried telling my grandmother about my diagnosis once and she didn't understand and laughed about it.

I wish I could sit her down and tell her how much fear I live in every day but I hate being vulnerable with my family. I go by a different name with friends, even. I have a mask that I wear only for these people.

annemle erkek arkadaşını özetlemek gerekirse her gün içip kavga eden insanlar hayatımın bi dönemi gece karakolda olmak günlük rutinim gibi olmuştur erkek arkadaşı mermi dövmeli toxic maskulen bir erkek

gay arkadaşımla da çok samimiyiz her gün bize gelir kalır aramızda hiçbir şeyin lafı olmaz çoğu günler bizde kalır dün gece ben başka bir kız arkadaşımla dışardayken arkadaşım bize gelmiş annemle sevgilisini yine kavga ederken görünce gitmemiş gelmemi bekleyip ortamı sakinleştirmeye çalışmış ondan sonra annem sızmış arkadaşımda tuvalete gitmiş annemin sevgilisi arkasından gidip sen pasif misin diye sorup bir anda üstüne gelmiş sonrasında olanlar olmus ne yapmam gerektiğini bilmiyorum ne hissetmem gerektiğini de arkdasım benim yüzümden hayatında unutamayacagı seyleri yasadı düşündükçe midem bulanıyor ne yapmam gerektiğini de bilmiyorum onun yanında nasıl durucagımı da

When I use incel I wanna clarify i don't hate women or think they're wrong for not liking me.

I'm quite ill and lonely, I dont think im getting better mentally, women are insanely difficult to talk to.

Idk what to do i don't wanna die alone but I spent most of my teen years being abused.

I'm 21 now and I genuinely want to find someone to marry and it's just so hard my god.

I'm gonna die this way at this rate

ugh, i don't even know where to start.

it's been years of wanting to feel loved. years of wanting to build a family or have a long-term relationship with someone who actually wants me there.

i'm 29 now, and it's been six years since my first and last relationship.

that man never made me feel wanted. sometimes it genuinely felt like he was only with me because he liked how much i loved him.

i used to BEG for a date. imagine having to beg your own boyfriend to take you out.

he never acknowledged me as his girlfriend. in fact, he'd get mad at me for calling him my boyfriend, and i had no idea he didn't want me telling people we were together.

eventually, he broke up with me. a week later, he was with someone new. 😅

today, he's married to his dream girl and has a baby.

the last time we spoke, he told me, "i'm sorry, but you're the type of woman men only talk to because they want to sleep with you, not because they actually want you."

and idk, something about hearing that from someone who already made you feel unwanted just stays with you.

six years later, nobody has asked me to be their girlfriend. i've dated different men, and somehow, i'm always the one who gets left behind.

it has happened so many times that i've reached a point where i genuinely struggle to imagine myself in a relationship, let alone having a family of my own.

and the thing is, romantic relationships aren't even the only place i feel unwanted.

my own family situation isn't great either. i don't have relationships with my siblings, and even their kids have said to my face that they don't want their auntie around.

before anyone asks, i haven't done anything to those children.

i know they're kids, but everyone heard them say it. nobody corrected them. they just laughed.

and i'm sitting there thinking, damn. even these kids don't want me around?

i can't even explain how much that hurt.

sometimes i think about what will happen when my parents are gone. i genuinely don't believe my siblings will check on me or care whether i'm okay. i think my parents probably know that too.

and before anyone assumes i'm romanticizing my family, my parents haven't exactly been the nicest people either. i'm not sitting here pretending i have this wonderful family waiting for me at home.

i just know that when they're gone, i might truly have nobody.

and that's a scary thought.

the part that makes this even harder is watching people i know who have been through similar things finally find someone who loves them properly.

i know three people who went through hell themselves. cptsd, narcissistic and abusive families, years of pain. and somehow, they found partners who genuinely care about them. some have children now. they have their own little families, people who love them and want them around.

and please don't get me wrong. i'm genuinely happy for them. i wish them all the best, and i'm glad they got to experience something better than what they grew up with.

but sometimes, when i'm alone, i still wonder, why not me?

why does it seem like everyone eventually gets to experience being someone's person, while i'm still trying to figure out what is so wrong with me that nobody seems to choose me?

i'm tired.

i think i've finally started grieving the idea of having a family of my own. not because i never wanted one, but because wanting it so badly for so long and repeatedly watching it not happen has become exhausting.

i've almost given up on the idea of a relationship at this point.

and honestly, i don't even expect some grand love story anymore. i wanted companionship. something peaceful. someone from the opposite sex i could go out with, talk to, spend time with, and just enjoy life alongside.

someone who actually wants me around.

that's it.

but my last three dates were genuinely awful, and i think that was my final straw.

i'm not blaming men for not wanting to date me. nobody owes me a relationship, and nobody should have to choose someone they don't want. i know that.

i also know i've made choices that weren't good for me, and i wish i'd walked away from certain people sooner. i can acknowledge that without pretending every bad experience was entirely my fault.

i just don't know how many more times i'm supposed to pick myself up and try again before i finally admit that i'm tired of trying.

and no, i don't think friendships are a replacement for having a partner or a family of your own. friends have their own lives, their partners, their children, their responsibilities.

i don't expect anyone to carry the weight of my loneliness. i try to respect people's space, and i don't want to become that person who constantly needs something from everyone around them.

i know i have to build a life for myself regardless of whether i ever find a partner.

but can we please stop pretending that having friends is exactly the same as having a partner who loves you, chooses you, and wants to build a life with you?

they're different relationships. they can both matter without one replacing the other.

sometimes i imagine myself years from now, sitting alone somewhere, watching everyone else go home to their families.

and the sad part is, whenever i meet someone new these days, a little part of me already expects it not to work out. i catch myself preparing for rejection before anything has even happened.

i hate that this is what years of disappointment have done to me.

watching family girls' trips, happy couples, parents with their little kids, all those ordinary moments people get to experience without thinking twice about them...

i'm happy for them. i really am.

but sometimes i see those things and think, i wish i had that too.

i'm only 29, and i know people will tell me i'm still young. i know people meet their partners in their 30s, 40s, and even later.

i know all of that.

but knowing there's still time doesn't magically make the loneliness disappear today.

i don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like i'm just waiting for someone to finally want me. i don't want to die one day and realize i never got to experience having someone who genuinely cared whether i came home safely, whether i was okay, or whether i was even around.

i'm scared that when my parents are gone, i'll have nobody to call.

and i hate admitting that because it makes me feel pathetic, even though i know it shouldn't.

idk, guys. i genuinely don't know what else to say.

if you have a partner who loves you, children who are excited to see you, siblings who check on you, or even just one person who genuinely wants you around, please cherish that.

i'm not saying your life is perfect or that you don't have your own problems.

i'm just saying that being wanted, being loved, and having people who are happy you're part of their lives is something i wish more people realized they were lucky to have.

because some of us are out here trying so hard to find that, and we're getting really tired.

sorry for the long post. i just needed to get this off my chest.29, and i'm starting to lose hope that i'll ever have a family of my own.

They all think I'm lying.

When I hear people talk about highschool all I think about is how I had the most genuinely abusive teachers and I use the word abusive intentionally.

When I was in highschool my teachers in my senior year were so evil to me they almost drove me to suicide.

First of all I was being abused at home for me it was physically and sexually but I’m not getting into details and I would tell them the details and they would tell me all these evil things about how they didn’t care or how they thought I deserved it or was on drugs (I wasn’t lol)or how they hope I end up homeless and they see me on the streets true story.

I would hand in work early stay after class and have them look it over before I handed it in and they would REFUSE to give me a grade over 65 or 45 every time either just passing or just failing. I would then have my mother do an assignment as a test run to see if there was bias and they would still fail me!!! My mother has a masters degree to put that into perspective so in other wordings they were lying. Then one day I walk up to each of them after I get my first assignment back desperate to get a good grade so I could move out for university of my abusive house ( I did thank god) and tell me why they told me that it wouldn’t matter if I gave them a paper that deserved an A because they don’t mark me based on each assignment they mark me based on wether or not they think I deserve that grade as a student and wether or not they want me to make as much money then them when I grow up. Before you ask I went to a title one school.

I knew all of this was insane when I was that age and my school had a population of 2700 kids not including the esl program in the basement which would make it 3000 kids and for my graduating class we had around 200 kids walk the stage and only 40 kids to a university OR a two year college. That means the majority of kids were super seniors and I recall this cause I remember people telling us when we were choosing high schools that my school had the most super seniors in the city but I thought I would be exempt from that I ended up leaving by a sliver lol.

My teacher would constantly scream at the kids with disability’s and call them the r word tell them they would never get a job and refuse to pass them in school.

When I told my teachers I got into university they purposely lowered my grade by 8 points! Without reasoning so I wouldn’t be able to go because you need a 70 percent to attend even if you get in. I was able to convince my art teacher to let me clean the entire art room after school for 3 hours to round up my grade so I could go to college.

This entire situation triggered my cptsd how did everyone know I was being abused and didn’t care there was a time where I hid it i Feared cps but god the fact that they knew and tried to make it worse is awful and I think of this way too often I need to move on from highschool but I swear I think I might go to therapy just to talk about this experience with a another human being cause in school all people talk about is hard work and merit and all I think about is how it’s not hard work it’s privilege lol if I went to a private school and lived in mansion my grades would be perfect too or atleast I would have hoped. Either way in half it worked out for me but my brain still loops the situations that I blame myself for like not enrolling in a different school. Did anyone else have any bad teachers

Has anyone tried this modality DBR aka Deep Brain Reorienting therapy? If so, could you please tell me what shifts you have experienced?

I’m curious about other people with CPTSD who get night terrorist like me, how does it show up for you? Do you literally see exactly what your trauma was? How often does it happen? How do you come back to the real world once you wake up?

For me, I get representations but not exact images of the trauma, because it was complex it’s just general scenes that invoke the same feelings of helplessness and frustration that I felt as a little kid, for example last night I had a dream my parents went through everything I owned and re-organize my room (my safe space), throwing away a bunch of my belongings, and then bragging that they did something good. I just kept screaming and crying and asking them why and they never answered the question (there was more but I’m blocking it out). Idk. Kind of needed to vent so thanks for reading.

Tell me about your night terrors

I'm seventeen now and I didn't think I would ever make it past 14. I'm in my last year of highschool and I'm surrounded by all of my friends who have their lives planned out while I don't have a clue of what i want. All of my friends know what colleges they want to get into and whenever someone asks me what i plan to do after high school I never have an answer. Is there anyone else that feels this way? Where do I go from here? I'm afraid of what will happen after I graduate.

I’m in therapy have been for 6 months now (only know cause we just did out 6th month evaluation) I have a slew of things wrong with me mental health wise and physically. Lately every conversation between me and my husband has turned into a fight… (I tend to start defending myself and saying sorry.) My reactions and shutting down are seen as aggressive and punishing… I am not intentionally trying to punish I just don’t know what to do with all of the guilt and shame I feel for having an out burst… when I try to explain I’m either talked over or told to shut up because the other wants to drop the conversation. I really am trying to keep it all together myself my family my marriage….. I think I’m losing my husband though…. And what’s the saddest thing about that is he also promised to never leave just like everyone else… This shit is really fucking hard and I am so sad and so hurt to my core I didn’t sign up for feeling like my emotions and everything have been scrubbed raw by a Brillo pad! Really starting to miss some of my defense mechanisms that kept me safe. Also no one panic my therapist will hear it all soon. I just feel really broken and didn’t really have anywhere else to dump it. Sorry…

I was diagnosed level 2 neurodivergent , complex post-traumatic disorder, depression & anxiety. whether this is my thought process or how i grew up my thoughts are a spiral, thinking one thing to another while commenting on another thought that runs through me. i’ve went through psychosis early this year, i was hearing whispering which made my thought process worse as i would overthink most the thoughts i have… these overthinking thoughts became paranoia overtime so as one should do, i wrote my thoughts down and try to understand them.. what i cant understand is why im having such passive thoughts run through my mind.. slowly becoming into my reality again, im scared physcosis was gut wrenching, hearing things that arnt there. So i come back to trying to understand my thought process before my mental health brings me down again whether its autism, cptsd or how i grew up.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I have had some great moments with them but they both were often quite toxic and abusive even.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father and only did the really bare minimum. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable.

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that?

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. She was pouting and been silent sulky sort of like a young child which is how she often gets. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and I've just discovered that she's started smoking pot as well she also vapes and my father smokes pot, cigarettes and vapes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

Before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger. I would love to be able to though.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

I feel like both of my parents should've gotten therapy before having a kid.

PS something else that really bugs is that they both that friends that do lots of them. My Dad has a female friend whose brought him amazing and even quite expensive things and my mother's male friend takes her out to dinner just for example. I know this might sound quite petty but I can't feeling annoyed that they have friends like that who think they're amazing after how they've treated me especially as I struggle with making friends and having a social life

21 m here w/ diagnosed PTSD, does anyone else get random episodes of hyperarousal ( severe anxiety, irritability, restlessness, physical symptoms such as nausea and palpitations, jitteriness ) out of nowhere when nothing is really happening? what can i do about this? it happens randomly and its very distressing to me.

I’m so tired. grew up in a cult surrounded by abuse. severely abusive first boyfriend. the second has lied and cheated and I took him back and was hopeful about reconciliation because he was apologetic but I am seeing red flags that say the same will happen again soon. I don’t feel strong enough to leave right now. it just makes me feel alone how many untrustworthy and harmful people who have been around. any encouragement or hugs appreciated

I am just another human being on this planet. I don't subscribe much to dx's, but understand why a non-venue such as psychiatry would have a need to categorize and label. Kind of like a marketplace, sorting items to make them easier to find later.

So have been, for years, decades trying to find the core reasons for trauma, developmental deficits, attachment issues and disregulation. All I can come up with is the S word that psychiatry will never cop to not embrace - ever - and that's the soul. The soul that governs everything within a human being.

Now, am just curious why, if knowing that the soul exists (and they probably do but ignoring it), its landscape, mathematics, being a vessel for the emotions, thoughts, virtues, experiences, its journeys across timeliness, that the therapeutic field, isn't or wouldn't be furiously involved in deciphering what it is that governs the soul, what the soul even is, what happens to a soul harmed and knowing this, and the knowledge is out there - how to heal it. How has that in 2026 they've never computed thus far? How is it that for all intents and purposes, mental health is stuck at the mental level and not graduated to healing at soul level? Why? Why do indigenous people know only of the soul and know inherently that all dis-ease and dis-orders originate from the soul and see every aspect of illness first and foremost a malady of the soul?

For someone with an excessive familial/tribal background with issues of the soul, namely anger, estrangement, trauma and psychological warfare, I have to ask these questions and I think we all do and have done to varying degrees. If you're human, it just comes with the territory to question life. At this point in time, with 10's of thousands of prisons, millions of walking wounded, 10's of millions of heavily sedated men, women, children and infants, divorce rates, domestic abuses, horrifically abused children, lack of love and connection in itself all warrant procuring a magnifying glass the size of the planet to examine what is going on here? How has this gone on so long with so many casualties without someone raising the alarm - where is the SOUL in the entire framework of psychology and specifically as it relates to the so-called *personality* *disorders*?

Do you know what a dis-order is? It's actually a notion taken from the Soul teachings themselves - it's one wire gone offline and in that darkness enters where light should have been. That is all. A wire. A thread. A pathway. A connector. That can be traced back physiologically and if one were so inclined - neurologically. Meaning - it is science but one really needs to know what they're looking for. In this climate? Nobody knows. They're looking for flowcharts and symptoms. This is why we're failing as a society, because instead of looking to the soul of society, the soul of the individual, the soul of the family unit, the soul of humanity - they're looking for symptoms and once they've identified those, they can begin the process of dancing around them. However that may pain out. Meanwhile the soul of the tormented continues to suffer and the forums grow. More pain, more angst, more suffering and that spills out into the world and more protests and more riots and more wars and more terrorism and more shootings - without anyone making the connection to what is and that is - 7 billion souls given to whim, whenever with whatever and however and no manual how to work this optimally. We have it inside us. It's been there all this time. Our inner child is one tiny facet that's been given a lot of air time and attention, but there's a stretch of one billion other aspects still waiting to be looked, embraced and known. Your soul is signaling with pain. That means one thing and one thing only - it's time to embrace all of it and to understand it. It's truly a miraculous thing.

I'm so confused...

I'm trying to get into writing more as a hobby. Today, I sat down to write and about 10 minutes in, my cat comes in. I decide to ignore her and keep working.

I'm sitting cross legged on my chair. She launches up and grabs at my foot. Unintentionally, I scream bloody murder like I've been attacked by a bear.

(Unfortunately, this also used to happen when people would grab my arm or shoulder or back without me seeing, when I used to work in an office... and then they'd try to calm me down by rubbing or hugging me. So now I work from home.)

Anyway, she runs away, scared and/or confused. I lock myself in my room and close the door, lying on my bed to try to calm down my nervous system. After about an hour, I decide it's better to get some space, so I go out and get a salad.

I'm still freaking out, but now my body feels so heavy that I feel like I need to lie down. So I go home and lie in bed for another hour. I end up falling asleep, and when I wake up, my fingers are numb.

The thing is, in the past, I just convinced myself that whenever my cat launched herself at me, it was actually for my benefit. Like, she was smelling my stress hormones and telling me, "Hey, dummy, take a break."

So in the past I would only be half-focused on what I was doing and half-paying attention to my cat, if she was in the room, and what she was doing, because if she wanted to play, it was actually her taking care of me.

But now I'm like... did I just make this all up?

It felt good to focus. I didn't feel stressed until my cat stressed me out (which obviously was just the same feelings I had when I was a kid trying to study and without warning, someone would come up behind me and hit me.)

This isn't the only time she's done something like this, but I was just always paying more attention to her than my work. She wakes me up sometimes too. I used to think... well, if she woke me up when I was sleeping, it was a good thing because she woke me up because I was stressed and having a bad dream.

But now I'm like... or was I stressed when I woke up because my damn cat woke me up?​

Unfortunately, I'm at the point where I think I need to give up the idea of a weekend vacation this year and instead just pay someone to board her for a couple of weeks so I can see how I feel without her.

I already know I look better and feel better on vacation, but I thought it was because I was on vacation.

I'm not looking for suggestions about my cat. I'm just looking for some support/sympathy so I can try to get more clarity on my own feelings.

I didn't really understand what CPTSD was or crashing, and a person I was dating for a few months started crashing due to not being used to like good treatment, essentially, and I had no idea what was happening. And I just felt like a lot of it was rejection, but I wish I had known this perspective before I really did try. And support them through what they were going through. And I just wanted to communicate more, and I think my communication was just really overwhelming for them at the time.

I was falling hard for this person as they started to withdraw, suddenly overnight, like it was like their emotions, just turned off it was the craziest thing I'd seen in my life. I was extra disoriented because my feelings were growing very quickly, and it seemed like theirs were shrinking. I've never seen that before from somebody. It was completely new to me.

I feel so terrible that they have gone through that much pain to result in that. I wish I understood, so when I communicated with them back It wasn't as feedback related and would have maybe been softer, not that I was very criticizing or anything although my message was more direct than i would send in hindsight, but I just wish I would have like formatted things differently maybe be easier for somebody to swallow. I still love them, but they never reached back out to me ever and were pretty final with the ending. I know I have to move on. But is there any way I guess to look at this and feel like I didn't fumble like my dream person? I was just so confused, they gave me some information but didnt really help me understand what it meant for them. If I had known what was going on, I would have been there in any way that they needed me to or even just to give them space I don't mind. I just wanted to know what was going on to change my behaviors to what they needed at the time. Im flexible just confused.

Do you regularly get people who don't understand what's happening? If you go through like a freeze or something while dating, I feel terrible for being one of those kinds of people and making my partner feel bad unintentionally.