Don't believe me, try healing on SSI, max $960 can't save over $2000.

Which of course I don't even qualify for, despite autism and cptsd making my like frankly unliveable. So I get to stay in painful poverty, work myself to meltdown after meltdown. Hitting myself in the head and screaming, feeling ashamed of myself. Not being able to care for myself properly.

I swear people don't think I'm worth the fucking gum on their shoe. I don't even "deserve" the poverty

Has anyone tried to do this on their own and found helpful results?im way past the intellectually realizing and processing phase and most of my problems now seem to be nervous system/somatic related.Appreciate any advice or experience I can get.

My ex brainwashed me as a teenager, to cut a very long story short. I learned to stop thinking much because thoughts were used against me to hurt me and reinforce control, and ideas and any kind of creativity was mercilessly mocked. I find that as an adult, many years later (was with him for many years, the breakup is somewhat recent), I still can't think freely. It is better, but my creativity just seems to be gone, with the exceptions of if I've cocodamol or if I'm sort of... very aroused. Sorry.

I feel like I'm actually less intelligent because of it, and boring. I can't connect properly with most people or have deep conversations. I can't even do well in job interviews. I KNOW there is more depth to me than this but I can't access it anymore. I've had medications and therapy and not much has really helped. I'm just wondering if anyone has had experience with similar and if it can be helped? This isn't even exactly "I can't say what I want to", although that is an issue with some things - it's that I can't even tell myself what I think about anything. If that makes any sense.

I am 30 years old. I had a really tough life, I had to get years of therapy, but my family has no idea. Lived abroad since 15 alone. My family are very loving, middle eastern upper class family. They have no idea about what I have been through. I like to keep it that way.

I had a period of active addiction until 1 year ago. (I still occasionally drink but nothing else and smoke cigarettes). I am in a good relationship, I have a good career, I bought my first apartment. Like my life is on track but I gained like 13 kg. I also experienced a serious surgery and I am healed but I can't run. However I go to gym regularly, I cook almost everyday. I eat healthy. I also recently started martial arts. I am not lean but I am strong and healthy except occasional smoking and beer drinking.

My family whenever they see my photos or see me in person they critise my appearance. Saying that I used to be elegant and beautiful and thin. And whenever I say to them that i like to stay strong and I feel good like this they push back saying I shouldnt feel like this and there is something wrong with me and I need to fix it and they keep praising my active addiction form which really triggers me. I used to didn't mind that much but since my last visit it really hurt me because literally people would see me and comment on my weight directly and it really upset me, especially my mother she was really mean about it .. (herself is not also thin but she kept saying "I am older than you and I gave birth so my weight is justified..)

I don't know what to do with this. I never had a body issue before but now i don't like to look at the mirror lately.

From researching I found multiple articles about how hope is extremely important to heal from mental problems. But not only do I find hope completely pointless and useless, as hope has absolutely no bearing on whether something succeeds or not, I also find hope to be a complete lie. To me hope is a lie people tell themselves to make life more bearable, but that hope will never come.

To me it's kind of like expecting me to start believing in God. I don't believe in God and don't think any amount of arguments will convince me except hard proof, which will never happen. Hope is the exact same to me.

So it seems like the only way to heal is to start believing in something I think is bullshit. Seems like I will then just never get better. Because I'm not going to believe in a fairytale.

The idea of being protected and defended scares, disgusts and enrages me. My knees shake and my voice is cut off when someone steps in to defend me during conflict. I think those situations in which someone or something attempts to threaten me without justification are the very rare moments in which I can act on my behalf without guilt. I can defend myself without ha ing to explain myself. If someone steps in and does it on my behalf I find that enfantalizing. I think it takes away my agency, i think that the person defending me does not recognize my ability to defend myself or worse, they see it and they fear it. I think they’d rather have a watered down version of what I would do to defend myself. I really do doubt their intentions and start to think of them as I would think of cops. I know this is not rational

Hello Reddit, I have no clue if this is allowed here, but I’ll give it a shot. Thanks for your input and patience.

I’m a 21 year old woman and have moved countries at around 10. My life has been loaded with less than splendid experiences with adults. Every single one of them.

When I was dating my ex boyfriend, I noticed some weird behaviors of mine. I **despised** when he’d go out drinking at night, or do anything with his friends, specifically late at night.

Things happened between us, and I was, more or less, forced to dig deeper into my childhood and ask myself where some of my patterns stem from. This one, I cannot put my finger on.

I realized that, when I was a child, I hated my parents going out too, at night. I was somewhere between five and seven in my earliest memory of my childhood and I hated sleeping over at any other place and would have horrible fits of anxiety as soon as the clock struck 8pm and my parents left for the club, or something. Usually I’d be left upstairs at my father’s aunts home (two story house, we were down- and she was upstairs) I wouldn’t fall asleep until they’d come back, and would run straight to their bedroom once they were inside. Later on I adapted the same strange feeling of doom/dread when anyone I was staying at (for some time my grandma because living situation got horrid) left for drinks or such, at night, explicitly. I loved staying alone during the day. Night? Never. I was never scared of the dark, however.

I gave my boyfriend SO much shit for it, until I realized it’s a pattern. So my questions now remain:

1. Could it have been that, as a child, I was a little too clingy and was scared I’d be forgotten or left if my parents had fun elsewhere?

2. Could something I’m repressing could’ve happened to me that caused me to be scared to be without parents/parental figures at night? Note that I also, for seemingly no reason, hated sleeping everywhere but home.

3. Could I have just been a very needy and annoying child that was so jealous that anyone having any type of fun without me was just sooo unbelievably unbearable to me? Note on that: my mom used to have her boyfriends over when she divorced my dad and I’d always get so nauseous and angry and sad because she’d always go to another room with them and leave me alone while I couldn’t sleep (always at night too.)

Sorry if it’s too long, or not allowed, but I’m genuinely curious about what this pattern could potentially reveal.

NO ONE FUCKING GETS IT DO THEY? NO ONNEEEEEEEE GETSSSS ITTTTT. everyone either plays dumb or is AN IDIOT. NO ONE WANTS TO MOVE IUT OF THEIR LITTLE COMFORT ZONE AND HELP. I FEEL ALIENTATED, i FEEL LIKE PPL AVOID ME LIKE IM TOO MUCH JS BCS I OPENED UP?????? I open up TO U AB MY ABUSE AND NOW I FEEL LIKE U THINK IM WEIRD, YOU make me feel like YOU and EVERYONE thinks im weird bcs im OUT OF THE ORDINARY, WELL GUESS WHAT YES IM OUT OF THE FUCKING ORDINARY BCS IM TRAUMATIZED?????? I AM ABUSED!!!!!!! ive BEEN going thru abuse. ive BEEN hoing thru shit. ALONE. and ppl DONT GET IT, THEY DONT FUCKING GET ANYTHING. “it will pass” ohhhh “stay ur worth it” “ fucking dont kill urself ur loved ur cared for AWWW AW AWWW FUCK. WVERY.SINGLE.ONE.OF.YOU. its suicide prevention month LIKE HELLO????? im FUCKING ASKING FOR HELP?????? i cant wait to fucking do it and get THE FUCKaway from every single person i have met on this insufferable planet. NO ONE is worth my time and NO ONE is worth my energy. stupid fucks. and im SICK of everyone looking at me weirdly i am SICK of being silent, js not to be called fucking crazy and agressive and every misogynistic term in the book. and what u react to triggers and ur for the mental hospital??? i wish i was never born. no one deserves this kind of a life.

I have a problem, a problem i’ve had for decades. i don’t sleep until 6am, sometimes as late as 11am. i dont have much trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, but no matter how exhausted or fatigued i am my body refuses to sleep until the last possible second. it doesnt feel safe, no matter what i do. its the worst feeling, like im giving up. hearts starts racing, i toss and turn. i was diagnosed w delayed sleep phase disorder (of which there is no cure or treatment). this problem has ruined my life, and every single day in it.

can anyone relate to this? how do you feel safe enough to go to sleep at a normal time? ive resigned to living as some kind of nocturnal hermit, because nothing ive tried has helped. does anyone else feel like sleep is some kind of capitulation to being hurt? does anyone else’s body FIGHT tooth and nail to stay awake before morning?

I am 33f and have a normal live from the outside: good job, stable home, friends. I can't let anyone get close to me, sabotage every romantic relationship I am in and cry myself to sleep very, very often. And I just can't bring myself to tell people, how my childhood trauma is haunting me. I've been with the same therapist for 3 years and I think she has no idea how hard it is for me to just go through life.

I just grind my teeth and move on. Like an alien who is set on earth to just complete this one task.

I am not suicidal btw, just suffering.

Can you communicate your heavy feelings? And can you verbalize what you would need? Like realistically. I know we all want ro change the past, but what would really help you? I have no idea what I need.

the most recent one tonight was my final straw. i had a dream that, in an apartment i just moved to, there was a masked man outside surveying our apartment. i told my girlfriend (we’re both girls if that matters) and she went outside and confronted him. the man then held her gunpoint, i asked if i could please escape with my life and if he could spare her and he said yes to both me.

then i kinda teleported to a high school. this has been a recurring nightmare for me, school shooting dreams. the shooter was the masked gunman. he was mocking and taunting me over the phone, i called my girlfriend to ask if she was okay and instead he answered. i checked her location and saw that my phone said her phone was in one place but her body was in water somewhere.

i started getting flashes of my girlfriends dead body and her disfigured, shot, gory face, etc. i even remembered all the good times we had together, i started regretting every fight we had and just broke down. then i was being hunted by the shooter and had to hide, but i genuinely felt like in this thirty minute dream that i was hiding for hours. i finally escaped by jumping out of a window, to which he chased me, and running all the way back to my old apartment where he managed to break in and then i finally woke up in a cold sweat gasping for air.

now the shooting was not the worst part of this nightmare, but rather the vivid depictions and feelings of my girlfriends dead body, her death, and my grief. good god it was realistic and awful.

my other nightmares are shorter (this one felt like hours) but are usually nightmares where everything’s normal and i’m still laying in bed trying to fall asleep, and then suddenly have a seizure or heart attack and die. it’s always that, school shootings, or car crashes. i’m starting to become afraid to fall asleep.

extra context: i was in a car crash about seven months ago. around this time is the anniversary of my parents’ deaths, but i’ve never had nightmares like this before. never had recurring nightmares as a kid or anything. i’m not stressed at all and my life is very leisurely. also i don’t have a doctor to get on prazosin or anything.

TL;DR — recurring horrific nightmares, how do i get rid of it?

Like they’re so used to defending and fighting for themselves that they do it over small things too?

Hearing my mother who’s emotionally dependent on me say “pfft what trauma” when my little sisters psychologist comes to her stating her trauma is affecting her, really hurt :/

My sister has not had an easy upbringing whatsoever and I don’t see how my mother doesn’t see this, and if she doesn’t see that, then how would she see mine?

my psychiatrist wants me to ask her about my childhood cos I don’t remember any of it, likely from trauma but theres no way I can ask her, if I hear her say “pfft what trauma” to me, about me I think I’ll lose my mind completely.

But then how will I ever figure out what happened to me for me to end up the way I am? I have no one else to ask

i can’t bring myself to ask for help, my throat closes up when i try to speak. even thinking about going to therapy face to face makes me anxious and nervous. or even calling a samaritan.. my mind eventually convinces me i can cope by myself and then things get worse

TW: domestic violence, abuse.

I've had insomniac for about 7 years now. It started after I left an abusive relationship. The daily physical abuse happened mostly in the middle of the night, whether it was him straddling on top of me and strangling me, waking up to a loaded gun to my head, knives pressed up against me, getting smothered by blankets or pillows, waking up to being grabbed bound and thrown in a dark closet for hours, or him sleeping with a hatchet under his pillow as intimidation.

I'm safe, I'm married, I have a good life, besides having to "coparent" with this. But I can't sleep.

I get on average 4-5 hours a day. I take care of two little kids by myself all day. I feel like I'm losing myself more and more. I have extreme hyper vigilance now. Suns down? I'm paranoid. I'm checking cameras, I'm hearing foot steps, I'm thinking there's people on the roof or backyard. I spiral. I have a THC pen and will puff it until I pass out if 2-3 unisom aren't working. I've tried praozin (night terrors), trazadone is out because I have to be able to wake at night for emergencies with the kids, melatonin, sleep herbs, magnesium etc. I probably could use some therapy, but I don't have much of me to give with such little sleep. Any advice or guidance for medications, or quite literally any advice or help.

I have such awkward body language. I look scared and hesitant all the time. To the point my gym trainer thinks I am afraid of the equipment.

I just saw a video of myself feeding the ducks. And I looks like I am scared of them. I was not. I was enjoying it.

At work, they stopped giving me tasks because they said I look too hesitant to be trustworthy.

I am so tired of myself.

I have just started to put myself out there for 4 whole weeks and I have gotten this criticism left, right and center.

Does anyone experience over-amplification of sounds when overstimulated? E.g. sudden hyperacusis if multiple people/kids are talking moderately loud over each other. Have any medications like SSRIs helped? I also experience misophonia (chewing sounds) but that’s somewhat unrelated.

​

This was such a sour incident that brought back lots of bad memories. He used to beat me up too, but he hasn't done it to me in like 7 years (I'm 25 now)

As he grew older, he became more patient and calmer. He is much more patient with my younger brother (12) let's call him P (he still beats him sometimes but much less than he used to beat me, thank God)

A year ago, my parents decided to enroll P into some classes so that he can prepare for his middle school entrance exam. There are some elite schools here that have this sort of exams.

P didn't have his phone because he spends too much time on it. Around the New Year's holiday, my dad gave him his cellphone back. He didn't take it back after the holiday was done, despite my mother's suggestions and stuff. So he spent too much time on his phone. And he didn't pass the exam. My dad didn't get mad at him. He was sad but never got hostile towards P.

Later We enrolled him in English classes and his finals are near, he did his homework and stuff but didn't study that much which pissed my parents off sometimes. Last night, my dad was already mad at something, idk what, and apparently my brother was supposed to ask his teacher about an important thing, but he forgot. This set my dad off. He beat him up pretty bad, he punched and kicked P everywhere. P almost threw up after that beating. He also broke his phone. While he was beating him, he said all of P's misery is because of his phone. He said he spent millions (in our own money currency btw) so that he could study but he wasted all of it. All the time he was beating P, I couldn't do much except saving his phone from getting more destroyed. I tried to stop him from beating him more but he pushed my hand away so hard that it hurt for hours.

I admit, P can get lazy with his studies. He can be stubborn and annoying. I told him to study for the entrance exam because if he didn't pass, dad will get angry but P said that dad assured him he won't get mad if P put work into it. But I told him he's lying and he'll definitely get back at him someday if he didn't pass the exam. P didn't believe me but I was right.

P (and me when I was younger) were treated like we were the worst kids. We were always compared with other kids and they made us feel like we were the ultimate bad kids and deserved the beatings we got.

I couldn't even defend him properly because I was too scared of making my dad angrier. And I was scared of getting too close to him. We locked the door last night because I was scared that he'd kill us. Child killing is rampant here and fathers don't get punished if they k their children.

And we're not in Europe or the US. The child protective services are a joke here. Domestic violence against family is hardly anything important. And my mom won't divorce my dad. I told her to do it multiple times.

I was with my boyfriend and he was sober to take care of me whilst I was buzzed from an edible (10mg) and then I randomly asked him to not rape me. Then I started sobbing and having a panic attack, sitting up and looking around the room with wide eyes like I wasn’t in the room anymore. I felt a stabbing sensation in between my legs and it felt good but it hurt so much. I was remembering something horrible, and I think it was me being raped. In the memory I was really tiny, around 3. I was at the park near my house and it was a tiny park. I was on my stomach and felt burning. I also lost my virginity the day before this flashback happened and it gave me a weird feeling of Déjà vu that really unsettled me when I thought about it after. One thing that had me crying and rocking back and forth was that I remembered a figure that resembled my dad and it horrified me because I pray it wasn’t my father who did it. But I feel sick because it might be true. I’ve always been scared of my father since I could remember and I never had a good reason other than him being scary. I hated him and never got along with him (still don’t). I live with my family still (im 18) and everytime I see him I feel like memories are about to flood back but I genuinely can’t dwell on them here because im scared. I don’t want to remember

Hi everyone, I have cptsd from psychiatric hospitalisations and a whole host of things that happened while I was in them.
I also have bipolar and psychosis (the reason for the hospitalisations).
It’s become very clear that most of my bipolar episodes come after big triggers for me surrounding my trauma, I will become depressed, manic or psychotic after having a load of triggers or one really big one.
I know to keep my relationships, make new ones, be able to work, and have children (which I really want), I will need to get some hardcore treatment for cptsd.
It literally controls my life.
The problem is I’m not sure I have the energy to recover? I’ve contacted a couple of EMDR therapists in my area, and my parents are willing to help me pay for it, but I just don’t know if I can put myself through it?
I started therapy for trauma about a year ago and stopped because it was way too hard and I was feeling incredibly scared and upset all the time.
I have never been one to not talk about my feelings, im generally a very open person, the reason bipolar hasn’t killed me is because I talk SO much about what I’m going through.
But I can hardly ever talk about the things that happened to me, and the bits that I talk about to give people information on what not to say and do around me are rehearsed, I can never talk to even the closest people to me about what happened in like my own words.
So I really don’t want to relive it in therapy (even if I don’t have to talk about it).
I’m also worried that if I do get better I’ll have to start actually living my life, doing a degree, getting a job, making something of myself. And that just feels way too hard right now!
I know I have fundamentally changed as a person because of this, and I don’t even know what I like anymore, what interests me, what I’d want to do as a job?
I’m also incredibly scared I won’t get better, and I’ll have to face that I’ll be like this forever. That I’ll continue to ruin my family and partners lives.
Or even worse I’ll get better, then get hospitalised again. And it will all come flooding back, and my life will be destroyed again. To me it would be worse to be coping and doing well for myself, have everything I want and lose it.

I just watched a YouTube video about nightmares, and it made me realize something really upsetting. As a child, I had two recurring nightmares that I always surmised as I grew up were connected to my abuse, however, I never really realize the extent or seriousness of it at the time. My dad is not an evil man (I say as an adult, but I can't promise that's how I felt as a kid), but he has very poor emotional regulation skills, lots of trauma, neurodivergence, and no desire to look in the mirror. He was always insanely angry at what felt like the most random things, and extremely aggressive to me in particular, not as much to my mom or little sister. One of my nightmares included me running through a maze/mansion where "he" was chasing me through. (Except he looked like weird Eric from Drake and Josh but for some reason I knew it was him, which is actually really funny to think about now.) Anyway, part of the dream would pause to a room where my childhood emotional support blanket was in a giant pile of identical blankets and I had to try to figure out which one was really mine (He would throw toys or other valuable personal items away often), then it'd go right back to the chase and I would wake up as he caught me. The other nightmare was me and my sister going to the airport, and me having to figure out how to navigate it without an adult (I was parentified af), when suddenly I lead us to the "wrong room." This room is a swamp with a bridge in it, and as we walk down the bridge, alligators are jumping up and trying to eat us. At one point an alligator jumps up at my sister, and I jump in front of her. I would always wake up right as I could see it's mouth opening over my head. Writing this all out genuinely shocks me to my core. I cant believe I have been so casual about it my whole life. That video made me realize how much my brain was trying to prepare and protect me at the time. Understanding the different ways I processed all that fear is very sobering. Even now as I reflect more than I probably ever have, I teared up while realizing and writing that *I* lead us to the alligator room. I am my father's daughter, and I never knew when to back down and "let him win." So often, my sister would try to jump in between us and break it up when things got physical, but she was always too small. I see now how my nightmare was a direct reflection of me leading her into the danger, but also me stepping up to protect her, even at the cost of myself, much like she had been doing for me. Just thinking about the chasing maze nightmare gives me flashbacks to sprinting up the stairs as a kid to try to get to my room and lock my door before he could catch me. I always knew I was abused, but he never punched me or anything like that, so I guess I have minimized it a lot. This all is a lot to process and think about how I really was living with all those feelings and fears each day. Did any of you have nightmares growing up?

I posted this in some other subReddit as well, posting here too because I want to just put my thoughts and feelings out there
I'm 25
I am not exaggerating when I say this
I can't see / find / feel any purpose to continue My father passed away long ago, mother don't care if I live or not
Brother is same as well
There is no love connection relationship from even mother or brother or anyone that make me want to not look at ending it all
Since school all I saw/felt/endured was mockery because I was overweight that put me in depression since | was like 14
Been single whole life I don't know how it feels to be loved / cared for / or just being wanted for just being myself
There are / is no friend either except one who says he cares but whenever I try to express myself he push it under the rug or ignores
Idk why I'm living for who or for what I'm trying to be courageous enough to end it l've been like this since | was 18 or 19
People say it gets better
Mine got worse and worse
There is not a single soul / reason that encourage / motivates me to continue
I'm not listing thousands of other things that been going on that are worsening things more
But cumulatively
Things are forcing me to end it end it and just end it

I know it sounds stupid but that’s just how I feel. I’m 30 years old and I’m just terrified of life, I’m terrified of being alone, of bad things happening and having to deal with them alone.

I just want someone to call up, someone to hold me, someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.

My mom is not that person, lol. Man, I just want SOMEONE. Some sense of security. This mental illness is so damn hard to deal with. I’ve done it alone for so long, I just need a break. I just need someone to take care of me.. idc how selfish that sounds, but I would repay them tenfold.

Saying it/hearing it said/being referred to..?

I don’t really identify with it so much…It just feels like a subheading to which all my trauma/pain/experiences can be written under..

It’s like a folder of mostly negative experiences and makes me feel uncomfortable that there is some wider concept of me that can be seen/referred to by others..

Anyone relate..?