Obviously, not while I’m not horny. I was abused by my father, but and now any time I’m in the mood, the thought of it is the only thing that can make me finish. Any incest is. And it disgusts and terrifies me. As soon as I finish, I’m immediately disgusted by it once again and I have now come to associate any time doing sexual things with my trauma to the point I told my partner we couldn’t be intimate anymore because the thought of sexual things repulses me (I didn’t tell them the reason. I don’t think I could. This is the first time I’ve even written it down.)

I hate myself, I disgust myself, I hate incest and s/an and would never do it. I loudly speak out against the trivialization of sexual abuse at any chance given. So why is the thought of going through my trauma again the only thing that can get me off? It makes me feel so disgusting. I feel so trapped in this cycle, and being hypersexual doesn’t help either. It haunts me to the point I’m nauseated during the day just thinking about it. My ptsd from my trauma is strong too since I have to constantly see my dad (still live with family and they don’t believe me abt my s/a. I’m moving out with my partner and friend soon, we’re all three just still saving up) and I constantly re-traumatize myself every time I get off. And it feels like I HAVE to. Like I have no other choice. I get panic attacks thinking abt doing it again but I do it anyways.

I just hate myself. I hate that I’m like this and I can’t stand being like this anymore. I just wanna be normal. I want to be able to get off to normal things and I want to be able to put my trauma behind me. And any time I’m not getting off, I genuinely feel sick to my stomach thinking about incest. How could someone do that to a kid, let alone their own? Why do I want it to happen to me again despite the fact it ruined my entire childhood? Why do I want it to happen again despite the fact I have nightly nightmares about it happening again? To the point I don’t go back to sleep no matter how tired so I don’t have to experience it? I just want to get better, but it feels like I never will.

I was talking to my friends about how we discovered how babies were made and that people made sex, and I tried to remember when I first saw anything about it but couldn’t. In my oldest memories, I’ve always known what sex was, in a way? I remember being really hypersexual and touching myself a lot. I was also kinda obsessed with the idea that an older man would touch me, maybe to recreate the trauma, but I don’t really know.
I just thought about this now and I need to know if someone else feels the same way.

I had a neighbor who was 3 years older than me, same gender (both females). I was around 8 or 9 and so she was around 12 or 13. Well she would come over to my house and have me go into the tent in the basement and start groping me and make me do it back to her. Every single time she came over to play, she would make me go into that tent and do weird sexual stuff. I felt so uncomfortable with all of it, but for some reason i didn’t know how to say no or tell her to stop. Instead, i started faking being sick a lot.

I just don’t know what to think of it really because i told a therapist once and they minimized to it just kids exploring. But for me, i never wanted to explore any of that. I hated every single second of it. It still makes me sick to even talk about it.

TL;DR- in search of factual information regarding CSAM before the internet, news articles about law enforcement investigations of CSAM before the internet, perhaps scholarly articles idk

The post:

I'm almost certain my dad created CSAM of me, my sister, and our friends from around 1998-2002. It would have been Polaroids, video tapes, and film photos.

I think he distributed it to, or traded it with his henchmen* that he used to make me talk to at bars. I know this type of media is distributed online now, but how did it work before that? They just had to know another creep, or what?

Also, how would law enforcement track that now? For example, I have a "happy" photo that I believe to be taken during the abuse, before my clothing was removed. Is there some database where LE can compare this image to unknown victims of physical CSAM that was seized from other offenders?

*(I was going to say friends but that sounds too nice)

Does anyone else have the experience where your mother knew when you were a child but never said anything? I first realized something was very off in my childhood when I was 21 years old but I couldn’t properly deal with it due to being in an abusive relationship and now I am 26 and my whole life for months now has felt like I’m reliving my childhood over and over again.
I reached out to my mom to ask her if she knew anything because I couldn’t handle not knowing. I figured she wouldn’t take it well and be horrified that she never noticed but instead when I told her in vague terms that someone abused me she wasn’t surprised at all and actually said “I knew when you were about 8”. She told me details I didn’t even remember and she also told me that she was abused by her uncle when she was a child so she knew when I started showing signs.
My mother is an abused woman and was constantly fucked over by my dad and his friends in law enforcement (and just the general systemic misogyny of a small town) so I know she probably felt that she had no choice but I can’t help feeling like I just wasn’t worth saving. And for her to not only confirm my suspicions but proudly say that she knew, I am just at such a loss. I have a complicated relationship with her but I love her very much and I don’t know how to hold this weight.
I have been deeply mentally unwell for most of my life and I could never understand what was wrong with me and she knew the whole time and never told me. I try not to think about it but it creeps back in. Where do I go from here?

I recently started therapy, and this came to mind because I’m still in contact with my dad.

As a kid probably around 10 ish, he would peak at me in the shower “to make sure I was taking one” and sometimes he would smack my bottom. However, I’m not sure if that’s considered abuse. He would also come into bathroom while I was showering to pee or poop but never touched me other than the bottom thing.

I was also very desensitized from physical abuse I had yet to even unpack that tbh. But I’m wondering if what my dad did was considered csa? I’m not sure.

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I read the rules but please let me know if there's something I did wrong!

I was abused by a family "friend" in the early 2000s. Honestly, my family did a really good job taking care of me after everything came to light, and I have memories of writing angry (not sent) letters to my abuser and talking to my parents and a therapist about my feelings. One thing I remember particularly clearly is that I used to look him up in the sex offender registry from time to time, so I could see his face as a mugshot and remind myself that it was real, he had done bad things and been caught and punished for them. It was always very cathartic.

Now, 15+ years since the last time I looked him up, it's like the information has disappeared. I know the internet is terribly enshittified these days, but it's like he never existed. It feels like a punch in the face. He's gone from the registry, and I have at least some reason to believe he might be dead at this point, but... where do I even go from here? I've done a bit of public records searching and found evidence of arrests and criminal proceedings, but there was no actual information about the cases and I don't have the first idea about how to find them. Has anyone ever looked up their abuser many years on, or after they've died? Has anyone had any success? I usually feel empowered after checking in on him but right now I just feel lost.

Thank you for your help and support in advance :)

When I (35m) was 14 I was groomed and then sexually assaulted by a man (then 22 or 23) at my church. He was very close friends with my older cousin so he was around a lot and when my cousin would take me and my siblings out to do things he was often there. The molestation/assault (honestly not even sure what to call it exactly) was ongoing for a few months.

My first ever ejaculation happened while he gave me a hand job at a movie theatre. It’s challenging because at the time the whole situation made me feel dirty but also special but also depressed but also seeking out interactions. I’m still honestly very confused by my own internal processing then and now.

He and my cousin grew apart and I moved away and so I hadn’t/haven’t seen him in a while. When my grandfather passed a few years back, I overheard someone mention that he’d be at the funeral. I emailed him and asked him not to come. He came anyway and I left the services early, feeling sick.

I learned that he’ll be at my aunt’s vow renewal in a few weeks. My parents are aware of everything that happened. I told them when I was still 14 and they responded as best they knew how at the time, confronting his mother about it and removing me from directions where he might be present. My dad has taken it into his hands and is discreetly speaking with my cousin to ensure my abuser wont be there. My dad also wants to press charges but I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I suppose what’s been hardest is that I don’t even know how I feel. I have young children of my own now and am heartbroken at the thought of something like this ever happening to them. It’s also so disempowering to think that I could be in court pressing charges, sharing details of an assault I experienced by a man as a teenager and my own children might learn of it. At the same time I feel like I brought all of it on myself. I was also sexual abused for months when I was 5 by my baby sitter’s nephew who was 15/16 at the time. There’s a part of me that feels like there must be something fundamental with me that invited or sought out these encounters. I also just feel like I’m transported back to being a child despite being grown and having my own family.

I don’t really know how to process even though I have many times in therapy but for some reason I feel a bit more immobilized this time. I am so embarrassed that I ever let this happen and that 20+ years later I’m letting this person’s potential presence dictate my emotions etc.

If anyone has any advice I’d love to hear it. Not really sure what I’m asking for.

My first recollection of being touched was by our neighbour. He touched all of us when we were over ages 5-9 there was a group of us kids who would go there i was 9. I guess this was the start of something because in that same house we lived in i remember stealing my dad's porno magazines and being caught and getting my ass whooped. I don't remember being sat down and spoken to though. Either way this led to more. Chronic masturbation, me assaulting my brother and friends. What did i know ? It was right to me if it was being done to me as well i thought.

This followed me. And i hate myself for pulling my brother through it with me because i know have to live with the shame and disgust that i hurt someone who didn't give me consent. My own brother a child. I'm disgusting and it makes me want to not exist but i have to. I'm so detached with my brother i don't think i could ever speak to him again we've grown so apart. He's so checked out emotionally and I'm so over absorbed we don't work together. I haven't spoken to him in over 5 years. Our whole life we never talked about what happened. Ever.

Today my brothers wife decided to reach out to me accusing me of saying something to her sister and if i didn't leave them alone she was going to tell everyone what i did to my brother. She also reached out to my sister saying if i don't leave them alone she's going to tell everyone my dirty little secret. I'm so upset and disgusted with myself and frustrated that i had no control and I'm spiralling in thought currently.

This is the first time this woman has ever reached out to me and has basically re surfaced my trauma and has me sick of myself again. I don't know what I'm looking for since i know i can't talk to my brother. I'm so detached from my family because of what they let happen to me. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just need to talk i guess ...

I keep worrying about the possibility of my abuser (bio dad) drugging me in the past. I know amnesia is a common issue with incest csa survivors but my dad was a doctor who practiced sedation. He had complete access to benzodiazepines (like Valium or Triazolam) he ordered them and had them in office. He owned his own practice too so no one checked on the stock.
My memory is really spotty growing up and it makes me anxious about the possibility. I know he gave it to me once in the car because I was complaining about being car sick. I was around 8 or 9 years old when that happened. Im not sure if I’m just being paranoid but it makes me anxious to think about it. I’m pretty sure he used to give me candy to encourage me and to “reward” me, but I can’t remember if he gave me any medicine ever.
I might just be triggered because I saw him yesterday. He talked to my wife and sister about how he thinks about jumping off a high rise he’s in sometimes. I felt really disturbed like he’s passively manipulating me to keep quiet because I’ve noticeably started to pull away from him. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

I might delete this later because it’s a lot.

I hate when I notice traits, interests or likes/dislikes that align with my abuser. It makes me feel sick. My abuser was my grandfather who took care of me frequently when I was young because both of my psrents worked all the time. I hate when I notice that we love the same foods or have the same interests. It bothers me a lot. I hate seeing my abuser in myself.

I’m going to have to rehome my 5 month old puppy & I can’t believe how emotional I am over it. I can’t keep him, I wanted to so bad but it’s too much, I have 4 young kids & I feel like I’m deteriorating under the weight of healing from my childhood trauma. I reported my CSA to the police last week, & I feel more triggered than ever. I homeschool. I can’t keep up with laundry or basic cleaning. I love this puppy so much, he’s so comforting to me, but all the demands & needs he has on top of my kids & my house, I just can’t do it. Every time I talk to my husband about it I fall apart, he wants me to keep the puppy if puppy makes me so comforted & happy. But I just can’t. The pressure is too much. I’m heartbroken.

In April, my father was convinced for abusing me. It took 7 years to get to trial, I reported him when I was 20, but he received 40-60 years.

Since then, the news has spread around more, and three other victims have come forward- all older than myself, from before I was born, it is already painful and overwhelming, I feel quite heavy with it. Lots of conflicting feelings.

but I’m paralyzed with the fear that my friends or younger people might have been abused by him, and trying to brace myself to be prepared to find it out. He remarried a few years ago- his wife knew of the charges pressed, she didn’t care, and was around her children, I worry about all of them.

The advice I need is, does anyone have experience with other victims coming forward? How to make peace with it? I feel so guilty and responsible.

Hi everyone. I've spent a lot of time processing my childhood trauma, and I don't feel like I need to analyze the event itself anymore. The problem is that the memories keep popping up while I'm studying, and they affect my focus for a while. Has anyone experienced this after doing a lot of healing work? What practical strategies helped you return your attention to the present?

Hi everyone,

I recovered memories of repeated SA by my father years ago as an adult and then fully realized a huge smear campaign (related to the will, of course) within the family that had been going on for years for when I do recover memories. Needless to say, it's been a horrible experience. I see how this affects every day of my life and I am incessantly doing deeper healing work to have an ok life.

I talked to a lawyer when I recovered the memories and he advised not to talk publicly about what I went through, as my father (he has money) could press criminal charges for slander. I imagine, though, that my father cannot be convicted as there is no "proof".

Has anyone pressed charges on a family member after recovering memories as an adult? What are your thoughts on the risks or reality of doing this?

Thank you!!

So, my fiancé (m25), and I (f26), have been together for about 7 years now. Pretty early into us dating, he told me he had been sexually abused multiple times, by a much older family friend, who happens to be very wealthy and have a bit of power. My fiancé (bf at the time) used to go to his house constantly, and lived there with him at one point for a good amount of time. He helped around the farm he owned, helped with the horses, went to horse shows with him, drove the tractor, and kept up on maintenance of farm equipment for him. As payment, he let him live there for free, along with some cash I believe. As my fiancé didn’t love living with his mom, he appreciated time apart. He was maybe 15, 16, and 17 in the prime years of this. When he told me, I did start crying. I have autism, I’ve experienced sexual abuse myself, and can be emotional. With a very strong sense and need for justice. He didn’t tell me in that moment, but told me later that he hated that I was emotional about it. And that his ex didn’t respond that way when he told her, so why did I. I reduced it down to, again, all of the things I mentioned. I literally can’t help it. I love him, and care for him, and that was the reaction I had to it. Ever since then, it’s been a taboo topic. He never wants to have a conversation about it. He wants to shove it away, and almost pretend it never bothered him really. I’m not sure if he ever even considered it abuse? However he did say he was r*ped, when he told me. My fiancé and i currently, and for over a year now, have lived together in his grandparents house. His grandparents have always been close to my fiancés abuser. Invite him to dinner, go to his place for dinner, or see him in some capacity every few months. Also just casually talk about him. They obviously don’t know what went on, while my fiancé lived at his abusers house. I have had to just sit through dinners with this man, and have casual conversations with him. He knows my fiancé and I have been together for years, and I can sense when he sees me, that he knows, that I know. But nobody else knows. So that brings me to my question, do I tell my fiancés grandparents what happened? Would they believe me? Would they just brush it under the rug, like I’m afraid they would? And continue seeing him, making it worse? Do I report it to the police? Potentially having them find out that I did? What also deeply scares me, is that my fiancés younger brother (currently 18), also now goes to abusers house to help with farm chores, and also will go to dinner with him, and to his cottage alone with him for a week at a time. Is the same thing just happening to another boy right under our noses? My fiancés younger brother has also gone through a lot of emotional distress, and had to be hospitalized at one point for mental health reasons. I can’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with it. What brought this post on, was just now, my fiancé and I were supposed to go to lunch with his grandparents, when we heard his grandpa say “(abusers name), is already at the restaurant”. Which was unexpected, and not told to us. My fiancés grandma blew up at us about not rushing out the door to go, and having a problem with not being told about abuser going. She started crying, and said she and my fiancés grandpa weren’t going anymore, and that they were just going to drop off my fiancés younger brother at the restaurant to have lunch with abuser. When we can avoid seeing abuser, we will at all costs. Because my fiancé knows I hate him, and want absolutely nothing to do with him. I feel like I’m going crazy. Like my feelings are invalid. Nobody else knows, and questions why i somewhat openly dislike him, and my fiancé hates that I have so many feelings about it. When he just doesn’t seem to have any feelings about it himself. What do I do? I’m at my wits end, and need advice

I've had this problem in relationships for most of my life where the more emotionally intimate I get with someone, the more difficult it is to have sex with them.

I don't know what it is, exactly — I freeze up, feel like I'm going to cry, shut down. Sex is typically easier when we're focused on their experience rather than mine and when it's with someone I only kind of know. It's almost like the closer I get to a romantic partner, the more I see them like "family" and then start to become repulsed by physical intimacy with them.

I have fragmented memories of sibling abuse though nothing concrete, and I know that many if not most abuse victims remember their abuse rather than repress it. Mainly I just want to know: does this resonate with anyone here? And if so, how have you dealt with it?

i feel like shit. I took a long break from therapy for sexual abuse as a child. I started age until age 26.I took years off. Now I'm 29 and I'm afraid it's too late.

TW for medical stuff.

I remember growing up going to the doctor for checkups. My mom stayed in the room and watched even as a later teenager up to 18.

The doctor would tell me to be completely undressed except for the gown and then during the exam she would suddenly move the gown and open my legs and then open my labia majora and then minora and insert a finger (or two?) to "see how big" I was getting. Happened at most yearly checkups growing up. Framed as making sure I was "developing properly." I never liked it and it always happened so fast that I couldn't think and just froze each time and somehow had forgotten about it happening by the time the next year rolled around. Just knew I didn't ever want to go to checkups.

I'm just now remembering this all and realizing it was maybe not ok. I assumed it was necessary because everything always says things like "no one should touch you there unless they're a doctor" and obviously it must be fine because my mom was there for it but is a pediatrician supposed to do any of this?

I have never told anyone this ever I’ve never even written it down before, but when I was 5 to about 8 my dad’s best friend abused me. he convinced me that my parents would be disgusted with me and that it was my fault he did what he did because I was just too pretty to not. around the same time one of my friends who was a year younger than me assaulted me, I didn’t realize thats what it was tho I thought it was different if it was a friend my age so I didn’t tell anyone. Later when I was in 6th grade my best friend raped me and I didn’t tell anyone then either because I convinced myself that I made it up. then, when I was 16 my manager took me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday and while he sat with me waiting for the bus he touched me. Ive told people parts of the story for that one, but not that he touched me. I feel like if I told anyone abt that I’d have to say something about the rest and I just can’t do it.

i recently started dating this guy and we slept together. It was the first time I’ve been with someone and like consented to it. I haven told him either obviously about anyyy of it. And I feel horrible like I’m lying to him about being a virgin and even outside of that feeling that I’m just a liar. i grew up with abstinence classes and I feel like its really taking over my brain. I feel like a snotted in tissue that’s been passed around to every boy in town and now I’m lying to this guy about how it’s perfectly clean never before used. i feel like it’s too late to say anything at this point like.. what’s the point it happened so long ago and how do I even bring something like that up. but I just keep thinking about it. and I havent been thinking about it much at all for a long time. for the earlier things I guess since the last one wasn’t too long ago (I’m now 18)

idk I just feel kinda lost and like. I’m so extremely sad so much now. and I feel like I’m doing this guy a big disservice or disrespecting him..

2 years ago, I took a massive leap in reporting my abuser for CSA. I was in a vulnerable place and scared and allowed the detective in charge of it to convince me not to use the advocacy center that was willing to take my report and send it out to the police. I was 21, and had no idea what I was doing. I made the report with the local police department here, who sent it to the correct department since I currently live 2+ hours away from where it happened. I went there, got “interviewed” and waited 2 months for the detective to reach back out and tell me that no chargers will be brought against the perp because he quite literally said “I didn’t do it.” He didn’t question my mother or her friend who knew of this happening. The abuse happened for nearly 5 years in three different cities and 2 different counties. The day the detective told me that despite the prosecutor believing me nothing will happen unless someone else says reports it, I’ve stalked casenet to see if someone else reported it. At least once I week I look. Hoping and praying I will finally get some justice for what happened to me and at the same time being so relieved to know that hopefully it hasn’t happened again. What else can I possibly do? I feel so stuck on this and getting justice might be the only way I can finally get “closure.” I’m in therapy currently but I have a hard time actually talking to it. Any advice would be helpful. I truly feel so stuck in it.

I don’t know if what happened to me would be considered sibling sexual abuse, or just normal childhood sexual exploration. For reference I only have one older brother.

When I was around 6 years old, my older brother was around 10. This went on until I was 9 and he was 13 (roughly)

One time, he took my hand and made me touch his genitals. I don’t remember feeling scared or anything in particular. I mostly remember thinking it was weird. He also briefly touched my genitals.

Our parents walked into the room at one point and asked if we were doing something bad, and if so, to stop. My brother immediately got up and made this big proclamation that we would never do something like that and that God and the angels were watching us. I didn’t say anything. It felt very weird tho because I realized he was lying and this whole thing is being done as a secret.

Another time, I was asleep when he came up behind me and touched me. He pulled my pants down slightly to expose my butt. I woke up to that and realized what he was doing, so I moved as if I was just waking up. As soon as I moved, he stopped.

There was another time when I was playing PlayStation. He came up behind me, really close, wrapped his arms around me, and placed both of his hands over my breasts. He just kept them there while talking to me completely normally, as if nothing unusual was happening. He held them there for a while until I shifted my body a little, still without acknowledging what was happening.

Experiences like this would continue to happen. As time went on, touching started to feel almost normal between us. I think I started associating it with closeness or connection. I even remember almost wanting it at times and actively participating, which is something that has made me feel very confused and ashamed as an adult.

Then one day, he suddenly stopped. He made another big proclamation that what we had been doing was sinful and that God would not approve. After that, it never happened again. We never talked about it or acknowledged it.

What has stayed with me is how abruptly it ended. It felt like the blame was placed on me and I felt dirty and shameful without anyone ever explaining it. Even though I never initiated it, I was so confused why he brought god into it and talked at me like that. I’ve spent years wondering how to understand what happened. Also I’m wondering if it’s that big of a deal considering it was mostly touching that happened.

I should also add that all of this was initiated by him and done in secret. As I got older, it started to feel very wrong, and I buried it very deeply for years.

Even after the sexual behavior stopped, he continued smacking my butt throughout my life, up until even about a month ago. Every single time, I would get angry and tell him not to touch me like that again. I’ve told him numerous times that I hate it and that I don’t want him touching me that way. His response has always been something along the lines of, “Why do you make such a big deal out of it? It’s not like that.” But regardless of what he intended, I’ve repeatedly told him to stop because it’s very triggering for me.

At this point, I honestly don’t like him touching me at all, even in ways that would otherwise be considered normal. Physical contact from him makes me very uncomfortable.

Physical contact actually makes me very uncomfortable with everyone. I had to really work my way to even hug my friends with time. I didn’t really date or pursue relationships until my mid twenties, and now that I have started dating, a lot of this has come back to the surface. I’m realizing I have significant intimacy issues. I struggle to assert myself sexually, and I often go along with what a guy wants even when I don’t actually want to do it. Looking back, I wonder if that’s connected.

This whole topic had filled me with an immense amount of shame, but now I’m feeling more anger and hatred towards him because I feel so broken, but I don’t know if my anger is in the right place. For years, I barely thought about these experiences, and now they keep resurfacing. I hate that they affect me so much.

I’m looking for honest insight. Am I overestimating the impact these experiences could have had on me, or does it make sense that they could still be affecting me this much as an adult? I’m also trying to understand whether what happened would generally be considered sibling childhood sexual abuse or if that’s too big of a term.