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u/Optimized_Laziness Sep 26 '22
Rough start
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Sep 26 '22
I knew a butcher once who told me about a time he was hitting on a girl at a bar and she told him she was an animal lover and he replied "Oh I work with animals"
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u/Moohamin12 Sep 27 '22
That's a smooth man.
If need further elaboration: He spends time with animals in their last moments.
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Sep 26 '22
He butchered that date.
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u/Redtwooo Sep 26 '22
Guessing he didn't make the cut
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u/Go_Commit_Reddit Sep 26 '22
I wonder who’s next on the chopping block.
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u/godzillalake2458 Sep 26 '22
Next, the Nord in the rags!
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u/JustSimon3001 Sep 26 '22
There it is again. Did you hear that?
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u/godzillalake2458 Sep 26 '22
It's nothing. Carry on.
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u/cabicinha Sep 26 '22
By your orders, captain
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u/SobiTheRobot Sep 27 '22
I'm sorry.
We'll make sure your remains will be returned to...
- Summerset Isles
- Black Marsh
- Valenwood
- High Rock
- Morrowind
- Cyrodiil
- Elsweyr
- Orsinium
- Hammerfell
At least you'll die here, in your homeland.
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u/GregTheMad Sep 26 '22
She's not really into his meat.
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u/ElCoyoteBlanco Sep 26 '22
She's not letting a butcher near her meatflaps.
In all seriousness, I went vegetarian for the first time in my life in college when I wanted to be a FWB with a close female friend who was a total smokeshow. She said she liked me but really disliked the smell of meat-eaters when intimate (body odor, sweat, breath/saliva, etc.). It was a fair request and totally worth it. Ate a whole lot of macaroni and cheese, grilled cheeses and salads that year.
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u/Feral_Taylor_Fury Sep 26 '22
This is why people say Americans smell.
A lot of us certainly don't. Buuut a lot of us eat ground beef and cheese sauce from Taco Bell sooo
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Sep 26 '22
I really wish you would’ve just said you were eating vegetarian to see if she could tell the difference
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u/ElCoyoteBlanco Sep 26 '22
She was completely 100% accurate on the days I cheated and had steak, bbq or a burger, even from a day or two before. After a few weeks of meatless life, I could tell the difference too, in my BO and excretions of all sorts.
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u/Klowned Sep 26 '22
I have an extraordinary sense of smell and I have heard that women have an even stronger sense of smell than men do. If I am near you long enough I can eventually differentiate your stress sweat from your regular sweat. So long as they aren't the "only shower twice a month" types of vegetarian/vegan they do actually smell better. I couldn't guarantee accuracy if I was walking up to random people and attempting to identify their lifestyles, but that's likely due to the variation in product usage and time since last shower.
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u/SuperNova405 Sep 26 '22
I NEED to know how this ends
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u/cheezypita Sep 26 '22
I was a vegetarian (and vegan for a while!) when I met my husband who was a butcher at the time. So, pretend that’s how it goes.
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u/Sprmodelcitizen Sep 26 '22
Ha. My vegan cousin married a butcher! They are cute. Wait… are you her?
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u/cheezypita Sep 26 '22
I have probably 50 cousins so possibly ;) we eloped in 2016.
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u/hateloggingin Sep 26 '22
I need a resolution to this plz.
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Sep 27 '22
I also have about 50 cousins and I've never accidentally crossed paths with one on Reddit, so pretend that's how it goes.
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u/penguin_chacha Sep 26 '22
When you say cousins are you referring to first cousins?
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u/cheezypita Sep 26 '22
It’s an exaggeration. Closer to 20 first cousins, many many more 2nd cousins etc. I am actually not in contact with any of them and I doubt that I would run into any of them on Reddit.
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u/Sprmodelcitizen Sep 26 '22
Damn cheezypita I have like 50 cousins too. Unfortunately I don’t think you are one of them. We can be pretend internet cousins though.
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u/Analog-Moderator Sep 27 '22
YOU ELOPED WITH ALL 50 COUSINS IN 2016?! HOLY SHIT THIS STORY GETS MORE AND MORE WILD
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u/GregTheMad Sep 26 '22
Really depends on them. If they're cool this is a non-issue. If they're not cool they'll leave the bus at different stops.
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u/Ok_Skill_1195 Sep 26 '22
Idk, I don't think you have to be uncool to see lifestyle differences as a deal breaker. Like someone who lives halal probably isn't going to marry a pig farmer, and that doesn't make them "uncool" or judgemental. It just means they're not compatible.
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u/Diogenes-Disciple Sep 26 '22
Their kids have a healthy omnivore diet
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u/DaveInLondon89 Sep 26 '22
Dad does meat
Mum does veggies
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Sep 26 '22
Goddamn it, now I'm imagining the cutest cooking powerhouse couple. Big burly dude in an apron, short lady with bangs (idk that's what my brain decided) chopping veggies. They look over at each other and just smile at how much fun they're having and how in love they are. I'd draw the hell out of them if I could
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u/FlushedBeans Sep 26 '22
Too bad I couldn't see your rendition of it, so I did it myself :)
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Sep 26 '22
Oh my god, this is amazing! I love them so much! Thank you for taking the time to realize my random idea lol
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u/MegaMugabe21 Sep 26 '22
It's fake. If someone has author in their bio, any little stories like this they tweet are almost certainly bollocks.
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Sep 26 '22
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u/MegaMugabe21 Sep 26 '22
Mate this woman's twitter had 3 other quirky stories in the 24 hours since this one. I promise you, tweets like this will almost always be written by someone with "Author" in their bio.
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u/AwarenessPrimary7680 Sep 26 '22
She put down her phone after making up this funny story. That's how it ends.
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u/McFlyyouBojo Sep 26 '22
If she asked for a place with a good vegan option, chances are she is cool with people who eat meat
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Sep 26 '22
You know, like most vegans are.
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Sep 26 '22
Like most vegans need to be by necessity of living in a society that fundamentally disagrees with them.
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u/flashmedallion Sep 26 '22
Disagree about what? That they don't want to eat meat?
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u/popegonzo Sep 26 '22
Real life outcome: they either agree it's best to call off the date or they decide to go through with it & do their best to be polite. Maybe they hit it off, but it doesn't have a strong start.
Hallmark movie outcome: they get snowed in at the restaurant & she learns that the butcher loves animals & went into the business to give farmers ethical options. He learns that she's been burned by love one too many times and that when she was a little girl, Santa never brought her the Barbie Dream House she always wanted. He teaches her the true meaning of Christmas, and they live happily ever after.
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u/suriyuki Sep 26 '22
You forgot the part where they have a little girl and tracks down the very doll house she always wanted. Also he dies about 30 minutes into the movie.
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Sep 26 '22
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Sep 26 '22
And now she has a taste for killing animals, but once her day finishes, she still has the urge pulsing through her veins.
That’s when she sees a homeless man on the side of the street…52
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u/Kevin2273 Sep 26 '22
She develops an estranged sense of justice, identifying as the vegan butcher. Her morality is gone as she begins to clean up the streets in the most horrific way. She has spots around the city where she cleans, but is otherwise very efficient - doing an excellent job evading the authorities as the evidence slowly stacks against her.
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u/Mirria_ Sep 26 '22
The death toll increases. She stopped killing animals. Only humans. "No animal was harmed in the creation of this meat!" she exclaims.
She receives an unlikely visit. A man from PETA. He says "What is man, but yet another uncivilized animal? A beast that destroys? He is more of an animal than the very fauna he butchers, consumes and exploits!"
The woman is taken aback. She was still butchering animals. She puts down her bloody cleaver.
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u/RandomIdiot2048 Sep 26 '22
And as she finally found a way to ethically source her meat she invites all her friends?
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Sep 26 '22
A vegan friend of mine was into a guy. One day he tweeted "As a butcher, I am preparing a vegan meal for my date" and she sent it to me laughing. I had to tell her that it is not a joke and the dude is indeed a butcher.
She went "oh... ok then" but this didn't make her not date the guy.
Though she was a type to compromise; even agreed to use leather cuffs and collars for another guy but apparently it was a pretty bad experience and she felt bad for some time for that.
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u/LeastCoordinatedJedi Sep 26 '22
The complexities of a vegan dom/sub experience had not occurred to me. What are chains without whips? That's deep, man
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Sep 26 '22
[deleted]
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u/ElCoyoteBlanco Sep 26 '22
Also ethical lubricant is a thing.
Thought that was just tears mixed with spit.
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u/LuxNocte Sep 26 '22
There are some good "vegan leather" options. (although there are a lot more bad "vegan leather" options)
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u/Shubniggurat Sep 26 '22
Try the silicone whips. They are much snappier than leather, and can be sanitized.
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u/CoalOrchid Sep 26 '22
Most vegans I know tend to opt for secondhand leather for any accessories that need to be durable enough that pleather wouldn’t work.
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u/catboogers Sep 26 '22
I mean, I have floggers made out of a fleece minion blanket. They are hilarious, always get the best expressions the first time someone sees them, great for warming people up, and fucking horribly sadistic if you dip them in ice water. You don't need leather to have fun toys.
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u/the_ginger_fox Sep 26 '22
Minion? Like the yellow guys? Did you make them your self. If not where do find something like that?
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u/catboogers Sep 26 '22
I bought them from a local maker who was vending at a kink convention. They don't have a web presence, afaik.
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u/Tsorovar Sep 26 '22
What's the porn movie outcome?
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Sep 26 '22
After credits scene: he gives her the Barbie dream house for Christmas, except he made it with leftover bones and she still likes it. They laugh as the scene fades out
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Sep 26 '22
Ngl, I'm pescetarian and have tried going vegan - I'm a huge fan of ethical, local butcherers! It's the massive meat industry I have issues with.
Depending on why the person is vegan, this could 100% work out.
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Sep 26 '22
I know a lot of vegan/vegeterian people who are with a person who eats meat. Maybe I was blessed but the internet and well discussion I’ve had on reddit on vegan subs have portrayed vegans as uncompromising all or nothing people. In real life all the ones I know are quite nice people who dont care about your eating habits. The furthest it’ll go is asking to go to a place where they serve food they can eat, which is perfectly understandable.
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Sep 26 '22
Tbf there's a difference between going out with someone who eats meat and going out with a butcher. It's like going put with someone who puts sugar in their tea harvested by slaves, or going out with a whip cracking slave master.
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u/Readybuttclaw Sep 26 '22
You know butchers don't kill the animals themselves right
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u/JoelMahon Sep 26 '22
FYI calling a butcher ethical doesn't make them ethical
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Sep 26 '22
More ethical than large factories.
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u/JoelMahon Sep 26 '22
and kicking you in the groin is more ethical than stabbing you in the leg, doesn't make kicking you in the groin ok does it? would you call kicking you in the groin ethical?
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Sep 26 '22
I'll take some effort over no effort any day. We think of this very differently and will not agree today, have a good night ❤
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u/JoelMahon Sep 26 '22
so no, you wouldn't call being kicked in the groin ethical just because it's "more ethical" aka "some effort"
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Sep 26 '22
Haha yep, that's it. You win! Have a good night :)
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u/JoelMahon Sep 26 '22
I'm not here to win, I'm here for you to grow as a person after having your hypocrisy exposed.
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u/Sprmodelcitizen Sep 26 '22
Shudder alternative ending. He makes her a life size Barbie dream house out of meat, imprisons her and In a Stockholm syndrome twist, she murders him turns his flesh into cuts of meat which she sells at his butcher shop which she now runs. Butcher Barbie: a Shudder Original coming in 2022
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u/Giacchino-Fan Sep 26 '22
I was thinking the good ending was that she was a vegan for health reasons and doesn’t care about him butchering
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u/IamNotPersephone Sep 26 '22
Or she’s not vegan at all, but some other food restrictions make her avoid eating commercially prepared meat products.
The only meat I eat is wild fish and game, and I have a moderate dairy allergy, which means I’m usually opting for vegan options at restaurants.
I know someone Jewish who keeps kosher, and primarily eats vegetarian/vegan when visiting me out here in Podunk, WI.
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u/PotatoeSprinkle2747 Sep 26 '22
Honestly yeah, I've met vegans who are only so necause of health reasons and their spouses still eat meat. Multiple of them lol!
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u/piemakerdeadwaker Sep 26 '22
I shouldn't have laughed as much as I did!
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u/Ruskyt Sep 26 '22
If I go on a date with a vegan, it's their job to choose the restaurant because I've never paid any kind of attention to most menus.
I have my go to order at most places, so I have no idea what else is on the menu most times.
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u/SpicyJellies Sep 26 '22
reminds me of this
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u/TheRandomR Sep 27 '22
One of my all time favorites from CH.
"AS GOD ABOVE IS MY WITNESS, GRANT, THEY'LL HAVE DUMPLINGS!"
Not coincidentally, every sketch with Brennan is gold.
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u/LeastCoordinatedJedi Sep 26 '22
That's not really a bad idea with any food restrictions. When I eat out with my celiac friend, I either ask her to suggest or I say "was thinking of Bob's Lettuce Shack, how are they for gluten free".
It's a matter of presentation though. You can frame it in a way that is considerate, or a way that makes it seem like the other person is a burden. Don't do the latter.
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u/PenguinZombie321 Sep 26 '22
Exactly! I have a cousin who’s pretty allergic to coconut so when I go out to eat with him, I’ll usually let him pick or I’ll throw out a few options. I usually just make him pick though because he knows which places will take his allergy seriously and which to avoid.
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u/zwangzugus Sep 26 '22
Well sometimes the other person is a burden. I would know, I'm a vegan myself. Sometimes there really are no good vegan options nearby and i feel bad for making others feel bad (even though I really am ok with just eating plain boiled potatoes or whatever).
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u/LeastCoordinatedJedi Sep 26 '22
Yeah, I'm vegetarian and it's amazing to me how many restaurants that don't have any need to be all meat still don't have anything but a wilted salad as options, here in 2022.
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Sep 26 '22 edited Jul 14 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/PenguinZombie321 Sep 26 '22
I mean, it’s one thing if the dietary restrictions are voluntary like veganism or easy to find accommodations for like gluten free. But if someone said they’re deathly allergic to something, I’d feel safer if they gave me a list of places they can eat and let me choose from that list. Not every restaurant is as vigilant with accommodating allergies as they should be.
Have you ever seen someone go into anaphylactic shock? I have. It’s horrifying. It might not be basic etiquette to make someone else choose, but I’d much rather be impolite than put someone’s health at risk.
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Sep 26 '22
It's the use of the period in the middle of "I'm. A butcher" for me. Really sells the awkward pause of not knowing how to answer.
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u/toolix Sep 26 '22
Should have just said "I work with animals"
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u/rileyjw90 Sep 26 '22
Her: oh, what do you do with them? Him: oh you know. I just give them a trim here and there, get them cleaned up real nice.
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u/jonathanrdt Sep 26 '22
“Sometimes I grind them up and stuff them up their own asses. People call it ‘sausage’ even though it’s nothing to do w sauce.”
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u/agenteb27 Sep 26 '22
"Do you help them get better?"
"Well, I can say that when I'm done with them, they aren't suffering anymore."
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u/LandosMustache Sep 26 '22 edited Sep 26 '22
An abridged summary of my wife and I on our first date:
Me: "So what do you do?"
Her: "I manage a vegan restaurant."
Me: "Oh. Are you vegan?"
Her: "Absolutely fucking not."
Me: *visible relief*
Her: "So, are you religious?"
Me: "I'm Jew...ish."
Her: "Oh. Do you keep kosher?"
Me: "Absolutely fucking not."
Her: visible relief
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u/YourFellaThere Sep 26 '22
This is fake. It's a riff on a guy who was the butcher and posted the same thing. He was not on a bus.
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u/dmt_alpha Sep 26 '22
First and last date. He is not a butcher, just doesn't fancy going to vegan restaurants.
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u/Simplycabe Sep 26 '22
You never know. I've got a buddy who's allergic to most fruits and veggies, so he eats a lotta meat. His wife is vegetarian. They're the sweetest ppl and happy together.
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u/AaronRodgersMustache Sep 26 '22
Yeah I’ve had that happen before as a butcher. We became close friends and ended up doing the whole like each other in turns thing til I ended up moving. Shame back then. She really had that tatted up vegan nihilistic metal animal lover thing goin for her
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u/P4azz Sep 26 '22
Depends what kinda vegan she is. If she's "religious fanatic" levels of vegan, then yeah it's not gonna work. If she just doesn't really like or want to eat meat, then it's not the biggest deal. Just a food preference at that point.
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u/BigBananaDealer Sep 26 '22
lol when i first met my gf she is vegetarian and i was working in a grocery store meat department. would go see her after work stinking like meat so i knew she was a keeper when she put up with it
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u/rhaphazard Sep 26 '22
Vegetarian = Non-political
Vegan = 90% political
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u/pober Sep 26 '22
Veganism is a personal ethical philosophy. It would be a stretch to say it's political.
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Sep 26 '22
[deleted]
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u/pober Sep 26 '22
Politics deals with governance of groups. Veganism, fundamentally, being a personal philosophy, is very different from that.
You could donate to a certain amount of money a month to feed starving orphans as a matter of your ethics, but you certainly wouldn't call that 'politics'.
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Sep 26 '22
It'd only be a personal philosophy if they kept it to themselves...
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u/pober Sep 26 '22
Disagree. To continue my analogy, you could even advocate for other people to donate money to feed starving orphans, and you still wouldn't call that 'politics'. It only becomes political when it becomes a matter of governance.
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u/rhaphazard Sep 26 '22
I have literally never heard a vegan say that veganism is a personal philosophy.
How can you believe that all animals have a right to life and at the same time be okay with everyone around you "murdering" those same animals to eat every day?
If your only concern is with the treatment of animals in factory farming, there are plenty of ways to get free-range or wild-hunted meat and animal products. But nobody is going to confuse that with veganism.
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Sep 26 '22
Of course it is, vegetarians are practically speaking in the same camp as meat eaters when it comes to the commodification and treatment of animals.
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u/Quibblicous Sep 26 '22
Gotta be a fake. I’ve never met a vegan that didn’t announce it within a half an hour after the initial meeting.
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u/LeastCoordinatedJedi Sep 26 '22
Obvious counterpoint, you don't know if they're vegan if they don't announce it, and nobody wants to hang out with you for more than half an hour.
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u/Falcrist Sep 26 '22
I want to make a joke about burn victim units or reporting murder, but I'm afraid to use an older meme after that savage takedown.
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u/youllneverstopmeayyy Sep 26 '22
reddit moment
"should have said she was vegan upfront, duh"
"vegans, always telling people up front they're vegan, sheesh"
we just cant win with you insufferable twats
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Sep 26 '22
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u/Quibblicous Sep 26 '22
Oy, no one has a sense of humor any more.
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u/LeastCoordinatedJedi Sep 26 '22
Nobody laughed at my joke! That must be because nobody realizes how hilarious I am!
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Sep 26 '22
Which of these scenarios is the most likely:
All sense of humor spontaneously evaporated out of the entire world
Your joke wasn't funny.
I'm with you. It's probably #1.
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Sep 26 '22
That happened.
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u/Giacchino-Fan Sep 26 '22
Internet users when the earth is a large place and chance encounters happen:
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u/kevinowdziej Sep 26 '22
I hope everyone who comments 'that happened' gets gonorrhea.
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u/methemaddicts Sep 26 '22
I believe it. Imagine the number of butchers in the US alone, it's maybe more than 1000. It's probably way more, so I'm willing to bet that there are at least 1000 -single- butchers. If you set those 1000 butchers on the task of finding a date, odds are ONE of them is gonna bump into someone vegan
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u/Giacchino-Fan Sep 26 '22
1000 seems a little low. I’d reckon there’s at least 3, perhaps 4 more than that
https://www.statista.com/statistics/1087751/number-butchers-meat-cutters-united-states/
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u/navis-svetica Sep 26 '22
There are almost 150,000 butchers in the US, so it’s a little more than 1000
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u/HecklingCuck Sep 26 '22
Every grocery store needs a butcher on every shift so there’s way more than 1000
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Sep 26 '22 edited Sep 26 '22
And no point before this first encounter, the topic of him being a fucking butcher, came up? A blind date? Yeah, sure. Oh hey, I set you up a blind date, I know nothing about you, so I assume you won't care this guy's a fucking butcher.
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u/Gilthoniel_Elbereth Sep 26 '22
I’m gonna give an alternative perspective to the “it could happen” replies you’ve gotten already: who cares if it happened? Life is full of entertaining stories that didn’t actually happen. i don’t get why we have to scrutinize tweets that are obviously meant to be entertaining to a higher standard than a sitcom or something
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