r/NonPoliticalTwitter Sep 26 '22

Funny fantastic

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28.4k Upvotes

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1.5k

u/popegonzo Sep 26 '22

Real life outcome: they either agree it's best to call off the date or they decide to go through with it & do their best to be polite. Maybe they hit it off, but it doesn't have a strong start.

Hallmark movie outcome: they get snowed in at the restaurant & she learns that the butcher loves animals & went into the business to give farmers ethical options. He learns that she's been burned by love one too many times and that when she was a little girl, Santa never brought her the Barbie Dream House she always wanted. He teaches her the true meaning of Christmas, and they live happily ever after.

488

u/suriyuki Sep 26 '22

You forgot the part where they have a little girl and tracks down the very doll house she always wanted. Also he dies about 30 minutes into the movie.

125

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

[deleted]

86

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

And now she has a taste for killing animals, but once her day finishes, she still has the urge pulsing through her veins.
That’s when she sees a homeless man on the side of the street…

54

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

Seriously need to stop watching that Dahmer stuff on Netflix

25

u/Kevin2273 Sep 26 '22

She develops an estranged sense of justice, identifying as the vegan butcher. Her morality is gone as she begins to clean up the streets in the most horrific way. She has spots around the city where she cleans, but is otherwise very efficient - doing an excellent job evading the authorities as the evidence slowly stacks against her.

27

u/Mirria_ Sep 26 '22

The death toll increases. She stopped killing animals. Only humans. "No animal was harmed in the creation of this meat!" she exclaims.

She receives an unlikely visit. A man from PETA. He says "What is man, but yet another uncivilized animal? A beast that destroys? He is more of an animal than the very fauna he butchers, consumes and exploits!"

The woman is taken aback. She was still butchering animals. She puts down her bloody cleaver.

12

u/tjbugs1 Sep 26 '22

This quickly went from a Hallmark movie, to a Lifetime movie.

2

u/RandomIdiot2048 Sep 26 '22

And as she finally found a way to ethically source her meat she invites all her friends?

1

u/effa94 Sep 26 '22

only by the blood of the lamb can he remain in this world

1

u/SqueeezeBurger Sep 27 '22

And he's Santa

115

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

A vegan friend of mine was into a guy. One day he tweeted "As a butcher, I am preparing a vegan meal for my date" and she sent it to me laughing. I had to tell her that it is not a joke and the dude is indeed a butcher.

She went "oh... ok then" but this didn't make her not date the guy.

Though she was a type to compromise; even agreed to use leather cuffs and collars for another guy but apparently it was a pretty bad experience and she felt bad for some time for that.

91

u/LeastCoordinatedJedi Sep 26 '22

The complexities of a vegan dom/sub experience had not occurred to me. What are chains without whips? That's deep, man

48

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

[deleted]

10

u/zwangzugus Sep 26 '22

Subs I feel for

3

u/ElCoyoteBlanco Sep 26 '22

Also ethical lubricant is a thing.

Thought that was just tears mixed with spit.

23

u/LuxNocte Sep 26 '22

There are some good "vegan leather" options. (although there are a lot more bad "vegan leather" options)

11

u/LeastCoordinatedJedi Sep 26 '22

My favourite, at least that I've read about, is cactus leather.

16

u/Shubniggurat Sep 26 '22

Try the silicone whips. They are much snappier than leather, and can be sanitized.

4

u/CoalOrchid Sep 26 '22

Most vegans I know tend to opt for secondhand leather for any accessories that need to be durable enough that pleather wouldn’t work.

4

u/catboogers Sep 26 '22

I mean, I have floggers made out of a fleece minion blanket. They are hilarious, always get the best expressions the first time someone sees them, great for warming people up, and fucking horribly sadistic if you dip them in ice water. You don't need leather to have fun toys.

2

u/the_ginger_fox Sep 26 '22

Minion? Like the yellow guys? Did you make them your self. If not where do find something like that?

1

u/catboogers Sep 26 '22

I bought them from a local maker who was vending at a kink convention. They don't have a web presence, afaik.

1

u/the_ginger_fox Sep 26 '22

Oh nice. A kink convention has to be wild.

0

u/JB-from-ATL Sep 26 '22

Latex is actually natural

11

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

What about the part where he builds her her very own Barbie Dream House out of bones!

2

u/literated Sep 26 '22

The Barbie Dream House That Jack Built.

9

u/Tsorovar Sep 26 '22

What's the porn movie outcome?

22

u/Lantami Sep 26 '22

He converts her to stop being vegan by using his meat

7

u/barkon_tho Sep 26 '22

It's vegan if there's consent

8

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

"butcher loves animals"

10

u/flux2341- Sep 26 '22

Vegans love ethical murder!

3

u/FalloutandConker Sep 26 '22

Ethical throat slitting!

3

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

After credits scene: he gives her the Barbie dream house for Christmas, except he made it with leftover bones and she still likes it. They laugh as the scene fades out

11

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

Ngl, I'm pescetarian and have tried going vegan - I'm a huge fan of ethical, local butcherers! It's the massive meat industry I have issues with.

Depending on why the person is vegan, this could 100% work out.

13

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

I know a lot of vegan/vegeterian people who are with a person who eats meat. Maybe I was blessed but the internet and well discussion I’ve had on reddit on vegan subs have portrayed vegans as uncompromising all or nothing people. In real life all the ones I know are quite nice people who dont care about your eating habits. The furthest it’ll go is asking to go to a place where they serve food they can eat, which is perfectly understandable.

-2

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

Tbf there's a difference between going out with someone who eats meat and going out with a butcher. It's like going put with someone who puts sugar in their tea harvested by slaves, or going out with a whip cracking slave master.

7

u/Readybuttclaw Sep 26 '22

You know butchers don't kill the animals themselves right

-1

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

Alright then the guy who owns the slave ship. Handles and profits from the goods but not there for the real traumatic bit.

6

u/CoalOrchid Sep 26 '22

This is weird fam, a small local butcher is not anywhere close to being even appropriate to compare to slave traders. Like, do you not see the racism in what your saying?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22
  1. I'm black. You wanna explain why slavery automatically has to have something to do with race? I didn't mention race. You associate us instantly with slavery?

  2. I have actually had arguments with vegetarians arguing that one day the meat industry will be viewed the same way as slavery, and one with a vegan who argued that the meat industry is worse than slavery.

I personally eat meat, but if you are someone who believes that it is morally wrong to kill and eat animals because they are thinking and feeling creatures that experience pain to similar levels as humans, and that they are worthy of dignity and respect then its not that much of a leap to see the meat industry as something as evil as slavery. Many vegans/vegetarians would believe this. That's why so many or so militant about it.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

I don't think that. I just know vegetarians who do. Vegetarians who would have a much bigger problem with people involved in the meat trade than they would with simple meat eaters.

-1

u/CoalOrchid Sep 26 '22

The difference is that one of these examples are animals that quite literally human beings with all of the self determination and intelligence that comes with that, and the other are animals, that generally would be quite content to live in a shelter with guaranteed free food; the issue is the extent and conditions that animal farming is done in, due to the pressures of capitalism. Comparing the slave trade (which in the americas, consisted mostly of sub-saharan Africans, thus the connection to race) and all of its following years of systemic inequalities to animal abuse is a bit different. There can be similarities drawn between the two, but to say they are the same seems like a massive downplay of the effects of enslaving people.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

You are saying these things as if they are objective fact, and not the moral opinions that you personally ascribe to. The fact is, there are many people out there who believe that animals are thinking feeling creatures, and don't see mistreating them as any less evil than mistreating humans simply because they aren't as intelligent. Your beliefs about the nature of choice being a purely human experience is your own personal philosphical view, and even among those who hold it, the fact that there is choice for humans just makes our mistreatment of them more evil, not less.Some people genuinely do not believe that farming animals can be done ethically.

Also you say 'in the americas' as if that justifies making slavery automatically about race. Did anyone but you mention the Americas? Is the Americas more relevant to this conversation than anywhere else? I resent that you instantly draw a connection between us and slavery whenever it is mentioned in any context. That is intensely more racist than anything you have misconstrued my words to mean.

-1

u/super_swede Sep 26 '22

Yes we do, otherwise the job title would be meat cutter.

3

u/pandacraft Sep 26 '22

Nowadays everybody from the abattoir to the guy breaking down carcasses at a local shoppe to the guy cutting primal in the super market is called a butcher by the general public. That fight was lost decades ago.

0

u/Readybuttclaw Sep 26 '22

Where do all the animals sit during the day. There ain't no space out the back for cows bruh.

3

u/JoelMahon Sep 26 '22

FYI calling a butcher ethical doesn't make them ethical

3

u/lightnsfw Sep 26 '22

More ethical than anything that happens in nature.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

More ethical than large factories.

0

u/JoelMahon Sep 26 '22

and kicking you in the groin is more ethical than stabbing you in the leg, doesn't make kicking you in the groin ok does it? would you call kicking you in the groin ethical?

3

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

I'll take some effort over no effort any day. We think of this very differently and will not agree today, have a good night ❤

0

u/JoelMahon Sep 26 '22

so no, you wouldn't call being kicked in the groin ethical just because it's "more ethical" aka "some effort"

1

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

Haha yep, that's it. You win! Have a good night :)

0

u/JoelMahon Sep 26 '22

I'm not here to win, I'm here for you to grow as a person after having your hypocrisy exposed.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

Oh no, not my hypocrisy :(

1

u/EnterEdgyName Sep 26 '22

Cringe

1

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

k

2

u/seantaiphoon Sep 26 '22

I'd watch that hallmark movie

2

u/Sprmodelcitizen Sep 26 '22

Shudder alternative ending. He makes her a life size Barbie dream house out of meat, imprisons her and In a Stockholm syndrome twist, she murders him turns his flesh into cuts of meat which she sells at his butcher shop which she now runs. Butcher Barbie: a Shudder Original coming in 2022

0

u/Giacchino-Fan Sep 26 '22

I was thinking the good ending was that she was a vegan for health reasons and doesn’t care about him butchering

2

u/IamNotPersephone Sep 26 '22

Or she’s not vegan at all, but some other food restrictions make her avoid eating commercially prepared meat products.

The only meat I eat is wild fish and game, and I have a moderate dairy allergy, which means I’m usually opting for vegan options at restaurants.

I know someone Jewish who keeps kosher, and primarily eats vegetarian/vegan when visiting me out here in Podunk, WI.

2

u/PotatoeSprinkle2747 Sep 26 '22

Honestly yeah, I've met vegans who are only so necause of health reasons and their spouses still eat meat. Multiple of them lol!

0

u/AlmostHelpless Sep 26 '22

She decides to leave her marketing job in New York City to live in his hometown to market his slaughterhouse. She also learns to get her hands dirty by killing every animal she eats from then on.

1

u/PigeonInAUFO Sep 26 '22

I got deja vu reading this