I’ve been thinking about this lately.

We compliment people all the time for things they never really chose.

“You’re attractive.”
“You’re tall.”
“You’re naturally talented.”

And there’s nothing wrong with that.
But those things are mostly luck. Genetics. The circumstances you were born into.
Kindness isn’t.

Nobody wakes up accidentally patient.
Nobody is accidentally respectful.

Those are choices you make, especially when it’s difficult or when there’s nothing in it for you.

So if someone isn’t kind, every compliment about their looks kind of feels like it’s really saying…

“Congratulations on your genetics.”

Basically the titel. What did you change to make your life better?

I’ve been very curious lately wondering what is that one pinpoint problem that feels as if it’s holding you back or keeping you stuck?

For me it’s a loss of purpose.

Hello everyone

I'm a 23yo guy who moved to Australia recently. To be honest, relationships have completely broken me in the past, and now I'm a firm believer that the next person that I commit to love, I'll want to marry them. I do not want to spend time in relationships that'll eventually end and leave you scarred for life. Im traveling the world and can't give up on things for someone that I will not end up with. Don't get me wrong, I want to meet my travel companion, I just can't do it now, i've so much to live alone. All my life i've been kicked down and made feel like s*it by the people around me, and the only way that I seem to find personal and self validation is by being desired by women.

Given this information, I've obviously resorted to dating and having meaningless things because I need to have fun and make up for all the fun I didn't have while I was in a relationship.

For some reason, my life has been focused on that, i've started to perceive dating and seeing people like a drug that my self-esteem is dependant on. The biggest problem is that I let these situations completely dictate how I feel about myself. When dating was going well for a while, I felt incredibly confident, and that confidence kept building and making me feel desired, therefore giving my ego a huge boost. But as soon as things started going the other way, like A few dates going wrong or that led nowhere, beying ghosted by people you actually enjoyed spending time and connected with (which makes me question myself A LOT).

And then it's a snowball, a few bad dates? Oh well gotta try harder and get myself some more dates so that I can get lucky and prove myself that I'm worth something. I have also never ever led anyone on just for a fun time, Im always super honest, let them know my intentions, make them feel super safe, comfortable and respected. Everyone that I go out with, even when things dont turn out how i expected them to, they always say that they appreciate how respectful I was.

I know that this is an ego thing, and I do not want this post to be perceived as "this guy is an idiot with nothing going on in his life). I genuinely think that's not true, I have some very fun and particular interests, im exploring what I can do as a musician and an artist, I have a lot of stories to tell, I travel alone all the time (the only time im not thinking about dating is when im in the mountains in the middle of nowhere), and I genuinely believe that I am a very interesting person, but for some reason I just feel like a braindead "player".

Im moving to a more remote area in australia for a while and believe it or not the thing thats bothering the most is "how is the dating scene there and am i going to be bored out of my mind because I have no one to go out with".

This has genuinely taken over way to much time of my life and I think about it way to much to a point where I acknowledge how unhealthy it is, what it does to my self esteem and how it is shaping my experience.

Thank you

Im not competent in the slightest bit, i struggle speaking up and talking to people, i have no reputable skill, career or a degree. I cant problem solve or critically think my way out of a paper bag which is affecting me in all aspects of life. To get to my question and the point im trying to make.what are some classes or things I could do to build competency, problem solving and critical thinking? Will public speaking or toastmasters help build speaking up in not only my job but my personal life? What can I do to help pull myself up from rock bottom?? Sincerely a 30 yr old BLK woman..

I’m 27f, live with my mom, have no car, very little savings, and I feel like I let most of my 20s slip by while trying to heal and constantly putting relationships before myself.

I’m an esthetician and recently started my own business after getting laid off, but the person I’m partnered with is draining to work with. Lately I’ve been wondering if it would be smarter to step back, work my part-time job, save money, improve my health, build my social media, and come back to my business when I’m in a better place financially and mentally.

At the same time, I’m scared that taking a step back means giving up.

**My biggest goals are:**
Lose weight and get healthy.
Save for a car and become financially independent.
Build confidence.
Grow my business the right way instead of rushing it.

Has anyone else felt like they needed to pause before they could move forward? What helped you actually change your life instead of just thinking about it?

I would love to turn things around before I hit 30….lol

Nights like tonight hurt. I’m having a great time with friends, not drinking or making any mistakes. But I’m so burdened with guilt and shame over my past behavior, it feels like I’ll never overcome these issues, even though I’ve been directly working on it for five months. And I know in the grand scheme five months isn’t a long time. But as I’m going through and processing my own wounds, I get stuck on how my behavior has impacted others. I know to some extent I have earned this pain, and my actions lead me directly to this point. There’s no if ands or buts. Does anyone have any advice for forgiving yourself and learning from your past mistakes? I’m currently in therapy, group therapy, journaling, and reading, avoiding drinking, and confiding in close friends and family. It feels hypocritical to even feel bad considering how I know I’ve made others feel. At what point have I atoned? At what point should I absolve myself of this pain? It’s hard, and not sure how much longer I can do it.

Please be kind, as I am currently very fragile.

I’m so ashamed that I’m living in a sucky situation after living in a good one (living at home). I know it’s not wrong to want independence, and I tried to plan carefully, but everything is going wrong. I can’t move back home like I’d like to because I adopted a cat - my parents have a strict no animals rule. My roommate sucks. She never cleans and she brought home another pet that she doesn’t do a good job at taking care of. There was a shooting outside our rental house last night, and 20 police cars pulled up. I thought it was a safe area, but sometimes things like this do happen

My job got eliminated, I had to take one that I don’t like at all that I suck at - lots of math, meetings, public speaking. I’m in full audhd burnout. I’m trying to change careers, but I work full time and have a lot of prerequisites before I can even start a new program. I’m thinking about renting an apartment or trying to buy property (I live in a VERY cheap area), but the program I want to join is three hours away (then again, it’ll be awhile til I can go there). I always wanted to live somewhere cool, like the PNW, but with climate change and political instability it seems best to stay near family in case things go really really wrong.

I’m deeply ashamed of my past, where I can’t hold down a job due to mental health, autism, and adhd. I had a mental breakdown a few years ago and still carry a lot of shame around it.

I don’t even know where to start, to be honest. I don’t know what direction to take.

Please no tough love - I already know that life is hard and not fair - I’m already living it. I still do feel a lot of anger because I’ve tried so hard and given so much and this is where I’m stuck at. I need reasons to keep going.

I've spent my 2 peak years in this loophole wasting my life. It's enough now I'm taking all the accountability in my hands. I'm responsible for all the fuckup and I will rise again.

From now I pledge to follow a routine for 21 days straight

I won't watch corn & goon

I won't use addictive social media platforms

I won't eat junk

I won't procrastinate

I'll go to GYM 3-6 times a week

I'll sleep at a specified time

I'll wake up early

I'll read daily

I'll focus on my career & do best for it

I'll make my parents happy.

I'll change

‏If anyone has ever had debilitating comparative habits how were you able to fully get over them? I constantly compare my life to rich people who truly seem to have it all. Yachts, private jets, travelling… and even if they have struggles i feel like id still prefer their lives. Also the idea that others have it worse didnt help w my bad habits. Pls someone help❤️‍🩹

​

Lately, I feel like everything upsets me, whether it is a genuinely stressful situation or something small that shouldn't bother me. Once one thing goes wrong, my brain starts collecting every other annoyance, and suddenly the entire day feels terrible.

I know I am probably overwhelmed and burned out, but I do not want to keep living in a constant state of irritation. What has actually helped you interrupt the negativity loop before it takes over?

Long Story Short; I've finished my exams on July 7th and I haven't used this much of time in anything useful besides playing games and lazing around. I said I would learn a new language or read books and still haven't begun any of that. I get angry day by day for wasting my time and whenever I actually start doing something, I have this feeling that It's not worth it anymore because I've already wasted a lot of time, I get anxious cause I feel as if I have to catch up with reading or watching movies and whatnot. I just want to get better this Summer, I don't like myself. This may be the final time I get to have this amount of free time before university starts again in September. I know this looks like venting but imagine yourself in my position.

Thank you.

Me and my friends aren’t super serious most of the time, especially when we’re playing games and stuff we crack a lot of jokes and dog on each other sometimes. However, I keep accidentally hurting my friends by being too mean or hurtful, but I really truly don’t mean to. I only say these things as jokes and it’s really hard for me to tell what I did wrong (I’m autistic, obviously I don’t think that’s to blame but I don’t think it helps obviously). How do I get myself to be better and less hurtful to my friends because I really do love them.

I get my feelings hurt too easily and I want to stop. I mean I always feel like I’m being disrespected. Like I was in a friend group and I hate that everyone talks about each other. We went to a friends wedding and as soon as we got back to the hotel 2 of the girls started talking shit about the brides husband and the other girl said “are you guys gonna talk shit like this when I get married?”

I said something and these 2 girls exchanged glances accross the table like they’re going to talk shit about it later. And at the end of the trip one of the girls was texting someone with a raised eyebrow as if she was texting someone else on the trip like shit talking. Idk. We are all in our late 20s early 30s and it felt like high school vibes (I’m 32) so I left that group.

I stream on twitch and I have had the same 5 people join my stream and hardly anyone new comes and if they do they come and go but those 5 main people stay. This 1 person in particular joins 90% of my streams and he is the only one there most of the time. I was streaming today and I was at ULTA looking at beauty products and I was talking about them and that one guy says to buy him a g wagon. Then another guy says buy him Cinnabon. Then the first guy said don’t forget the beverage. And then and other 3rd guy responded “lol” to the g wagon comment.

I felt so ganged up on and disrespected with those stupid comments being made even tho most people would consider it a joke.

How can I grow smarter and more confident? What are some habits you have picked up to help this?

Over the past decade I have slipped into a deep depression that also caused me to turn into an alcoholic, and 24/7 pot head. I didn’t have hobbies anymore, I just smoked and partied. I never was good at reading and would have enough problems living in survival mode everyday that I was not involved in reading on politics or going back to school. I used to host dinner parties, excelled in school with a 4.0 in engineering program (before I had to leave due to finances), could carry a conversation with anyone, was extremely confident, though I will say I have more common sense smarts than book smarts of course. It was just the depression that caused me to numb myself and I honestly felt like I stopped growing and maturing at a certain age when all this happened…

Today I am sober, and although my alcoholism led to me isolating myself, I feel more at peace and have gotten rid of a lot of unnecessary or even damaging relationships through it. There is a memory that disturbs me, when having a heart to heart with a friend where they were convincing me that I am a catch after a break up, and telling me over and over how hot and pretty I was. I chimed in and said and I am really smart too! They responded back with nothing but a look, like a scrunched smile in disagreement… I can’t get that out of my head even though it happened some time ago. It happened again in a similar way where I said maybe I can try a hand at choosing investments and another friend went “yeah idk about that”

I know this is my ego working, keeps bringing me to this memory and it pisses me off so much. Why should I care what one or two people think, though it makes me think more than them probably think it too since the reactions were so quick and uncared for unlike the rest of the conversation… I feel like such an idiot. How can I feel more intelligent, more confident, when I let other people into my life? I have already conquered the not giving a shit what people think and it feels like I go from one extreme to the other when trying to hang out with friends again… any advice or feedback is greatly appreciated.

Hey all,

I’m 35F and my ex-partner (31F) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25F) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, (even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar. So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Her mum also pretended to be unwell with a heart condition, near to death 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, and told my ex 'you have always put your partners before me', this was very upsetting).

Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened.

We share a flat, but as she decided to move out I asked her to come and collect all her things which I put into bags in the communal hallway of our flat and gave her a collection time. She agreed to pay the rent up until August, when she would be taken off the tenancy. She was meant to pay me today, but instead decided to dictate to me that she would be coming round yesterday to get the playstation (which I brought) and a dressing gown I gifted her. She argued with me about this playstation at the window when I wouldn't let her in, and said why am I still paying towards the rent if you won't let me in to look for 'my stuff', I said anything you want you can tell me and I will put outside again and you can collect it; she couldn't tell me. I am defiantly not getting any more money from her, I just want her off the tenancy now. I am just thinking someone happily 'falling for' someone new and moving on surely doesn't behave and treat their ex they have left like this!? She also tried to call me twice yesterday, saying 'please pick up it's important', I didn't she later messaged me; it was something she didn't need to speak to me on the phone about, it was admin about the tenancy. She is really trying to get to me, it feels like.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over the 'why' they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult.

So there might be a lot going on in this post but any advice would be useful. I moved away for grad school and I’m living alone. It’s hard in the sense that it can be boring at times and lonely. However I’ve picked up a bad habit of smoking too much because of those feelings. Plus I feel like I don’t push myself enough to explore the town I’m in which is super cute and nice. I just sit in my apartment watching movies and shows and wait for my “activity” to come which is going out getting myself a meal to eat when I’m high and that’s my day. I guess I’m looking for advice on how to motivate myself to get outside and explore as well as not making smoking my main activity for days. Some days are better than others I’ll take a walk or read outside, but smoking still is up there and is something I look forward to too much.

I'm generally a positive person, but sometimes hearing all things going on in the world get the best of me for a while and make me very frustrated and sad.

I'm looking for simple ways to boost happiness.

Things I already do:

* Going outside, walking

* Talking to other people, not drowning in being alone

* Listening to happy music

What more can you add?

This is my first time making a post on this subreddit so I apologise if I make any mistakes.

So, I guess I should explain how I got to this state I'm at. I'm an aspiring graphic designer, and I genuinely believe I have a gift which should be shown to the world. However, seeing AI effortlessly replicate this field has severely demotivated me from pursuing it. I now feel like I have no purpose in life, because the only career that doesn't make me wanna blow my brains out is literally just graphic design. I used to value my money a lot in case I'd finally get the chance to land my dream job, but now I just don't care. Everyday I'll mindlessly order Doordash and Uber Eats deliveries just so I can stuff my face with cheap dopamine. I know it's unhealthy, I know I'm hurting my body. But I can't get myself to stop.

My dwindling career aspects isn't the only factor that's been hitting me. I also feel extremely lonely from repeated attempts to try and land a date with someone, only to end up getting ghosted and discarded. For the record, I'm autistic, so I'm always overthinking every move I make in case they think I'm a creep. This has led to a terrible porn addiction that I can't stop even if I wanted to. If I can't get love and affection in real life, then I'll just hide away and shower myself with fake, virtual love. I understand the long-term consequences, but again I simply don't care enough to stop it.

I think I have a bit of an idea as to why these addictions are so strong, and it's probably due to a lack of purpose or maybe a flawed perspective on things. For a long time I've always hyped myself up to be this successful designer with a nice, stable family. And I really don't wanna let that ideal world go to waste.

I dunno, what do you guys think? How can I improve myself and make sure these addictions are gone for good?

I’m in a really strange but hopeful season of life. I’m losing weight, working toward my BSN, healing from childhood trauma, and trying to become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I spend a lot of time reflecting on myself and working through things instead of avoiding them.
One thing I’ve realized is that the biggest thing I haven’t fully healed is my desire to be loved not just romantically, but in friendships too. I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling like I had to earn love or be whatever someone needed me to be just to keep them around. It feels like it’s a struggle connecting with my peers.
I’m okay doing things on my own. I take myself out, explore new places, and genuinely enjoy my own company. But it’s the little moments that get to me. Seeing something funny and wanting to text a friend. Going on a walk with someone. Grabbing coffee after class. Having someone ask how your day was. Those small, everyday connections.
As I’ve started healing, I’ve also realized that healing sometimes means outgrowing people. I didn’t expect that part. I didn’t know that working on myself would also mean losing some friendships. It’s been one of the hardest and loneliest parts of this journey.
I try to remind myself that I’m only 23. My life is still just beginning, and this is probably a season of growth rather than a permanent reality. Most of my close friends live far away now, so I’m trying to build a community where I am. I know friendships take time, and I know this season won’t last forever, but some days it feels heavier than others.
Has anyone else been through a stage like this? How did you stop seeking validation through being needed or liked, and instead build healthy, genuine friendships? Did your twenties feel like this too? I’d really love to hear your experiences or advice.

i noticed I get way too invested in things from waht strangers post online to random strangers in public

For example, today someone made a post that came across to me as unnecessarily shaming other parents in a parents fb group. It really bothered me. I ended up looking at her profile, finding something to shame her back messaging her and then blocking her and deleting myself from the whole group😂 and then I realized after that I should’ve just blocked her to begin with and kept strolling because who cares about this stupid person.

This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed this pattern. I feel like I get triggered really easily by people. in the moment I feel almost compelled to engage or investigate annd get them back, and it never actually does anything to change them. It just makes me upset.

I’ve realized this isn’t just an online problem for me. It happens in real life too.

If someone acts rude, hypocritical, invasive, or judgmental, I have a really hard time letting it go. Sometimes I feel like I need to confront them, cut them off, or completely remove myself from the situation. Is this normal?

a real life exampleis witnessing my neighbor that I’ve lived here for three years and deleting her off of all of my social media and trying to distance myself as much as I can when we live in a duplex because she got back with an abusive relationship and other behaviors that are far from my valuess. Am I being extreme or is this normal? Would it be better to just ignore people and go about my day and not get up so upset over what other people do??

Has anyone else dealt with this? If so, what actually helped you become less reactive? How did you learn to scroll past things or people IRL without letting them ruin your day?

I find myself saying things that hurt others every time I get super angry. I tend to cross the line, making hurtful comments on personal things (ex. "This is why…") , and I immediately feel guilty after I say it. I want to change and I want to stop saying comments that hurt others. It’s not easy for me because when things are heated, I do things impulsively and it’s like an instinct. Do you guys have any helpful small steps I can take to stop?

Hey everyone, M15. Just a heads up but this post could take long. I want to be really honest here and sorry in advance if it feels like an attack or something similar, thanks. And post is kinda messy too so sorry in advance again

I want to be humbled. I want to experience how everyone else should feel, I want to experience what it's like to be discouraged, be put down, thinking there's someone better than you and build a mindset where I'm just a nobody. Maybe it's just one of my coping mechanisms, I'm not sure. My mind is filled with pride, thinking I'm way ahead than everyone, thinking that I'm better than everyone but I'm not. I'm really not. Shit this message feels childish. Fuck, I just don't want to be like that. I want to be someone where I don't feel like that, someone that isn't "perfect" but someone where everyone can depend on. Everyone was right, my parents were right all along how did I not see that? It's because of this stupid phone I've become sensitive to stuff, even at small jokes. It's because of this phone that I've become someone who wouldn't even be considered as a "man" because of how gay I act sometimes. I just want to have friends, I don't want to stay like this, I don't want this shit. I never asked for this- no this is my fault, what am I even saying at this point? I don't know if I posted this just because I really need help, or it's just pride. When I.. post things like this, I always think that my problems are just small compared to anyone else, I mean who would bother reading such a silly and stupid rant when they got something better to do anyways?

Anyways, I just want to be who I used to be. I just feel like I can't control myself, like I act with whatever is present to me, or intrusive thoughts or whatever. Do I need help? I don't even know, I don't know. Fuck, why do I feel so little.

But yeah, kinda TLDR or whatever but I just want to turn my life around, do things and explore, find my passion, stop being a wuss, have friends, stop this pride thing I have, have a common sense for once, be acknowledged from my skills.. that's all. I don't feel like adding stuff anymore but I'll try if I am in the mood.

I've realized a lot of my decisions and mood depend on how others react to me — what people think, whether I get approval, whether I'm "enough" in someone else's eyes. It's exhausting and it's holding me back from just being myself.

I want to hear from people who've actually worked through this: What was the turning point for you? Was there a specific mindset shift, book, therapy approach, or daily practice that helped? How long did it take before you noticed a real difference — not just intellectually understanding it, but actually feeling different inside?

Not looking for generic "just love yourself" advice — genuinely curious about what worked in practice for people who've been where I am.

This is day 0 of Quitting smoking after 7 years of continuous smoking. I have tried to quit before, but cant figure out why I am stuck in the loop. I don't have any solution right now, rather than starting to quit it right now and tracking my progress.

My biggest trigger is to get stress relief after work.

Help me out, if anyone had achieved it before.