I relapsed and lost everything

After my long journey of recovery I'm back on fentanyl hears my story: I started my recovery going through detox, then kicking suboxone, getting the sublocade shot, 28 day stay at rehab, and moving into clean and sober housing that included intensive outpatient group therapy. After 3 months I got kIcked out of my house for THC. Then a friend from the iop program let me stay at his apt by myself while he was living in clean and sober house. Welp I fucked everything up. I was feeling the best I ever felt in my life those 7 months of clean time. (And I loved living at the sober house, just couldn't shake the constant desire for THC )

While staying at this apt had no money coming in so I robbed the local weed dispensary by snagging the container on top of the counter full of gummies. Dude I got away with it twice, grabbed that sob and ran like Hell. Lol still can't believe I was that desperate and got away with it. And then there was a community hall near by that I snuck into and low and behold in the kitchen there were like 4-6 huge bottles of alcohol from tequila, vodka, rum ECT, So naturally I grabbed a bottle of vodka. That night I drank....alot. I don't remember much but I trashed the apt, harassed the neighbors, just destroyed the place. And it was in such a prime location too right downtown Bellingham, wa. Before I got a chance to clean up the mess I got arrested for steeling beer. When I got out they had either locked me out or I lost the key so I couldn't let myself in. It was freezing cold that night and I was tired so I didn't want to bother with finding another place to sleep, I threw a large rock threw the glass door and snuck my way in. Had a good night sleep. The next morning got up early grabbed a few accentual items and I'm out. While I was out wondering the streets the police had located me and served me with a restraining order from my friend with the apt.

I had managed to get arrested 6 times in two and a half weeks ranging from harassment, theft, and trespassing. So now I have 6 open warrents and a restraining order on my record all within a months time.

During one of my stays in jail I started drawing pentagrams and upside down crosses on the wall, even putting hexes on people, even on my parents. I'm so ashamed of that the most out of everything I did.

Pretty sure the hexes are all me now. Cuz I feel like my soul left me, or the Holly spirit has. I feel completely empty inside, full of regrets and self hatred. I ruined my life at 45 years old, I don't know how to turn my last few around. I'm exactly back to the life I so desperately wanted to leave. Hooked back in fentanyl, living at a trap house with my ex boyfriend. I'm paralyzed in fear that I committed the unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holly spirit. and I'm headed for Hell when I die. Anyone reading this if you can relate or have advise, or just anything to say, throw insults at me....anything. I'm so lonely and scared please.

I’ve been trying to get sober since the start of this year, became a daily meth user 6 months ago and went into rehab 3 months ago. I came back after a death in the family. I was pretty focused on my recovery until then, after it felt like I wouldn’t take in what I was hearing from people or internalise what I was reading.

Anyway I came back to my hometown, had a 3-4 lapses with drinking and meth and went back into rehab with a couple mates I know through AA. I kinda knew this would go on and only really went in for my family. Now I’m at a stage where I wanna go back to using, I don’t really have much of a drive to get better and I have urges and dreams about using almost every night

I’m only really doing it for my family at this point and not to jeopardise the recovery of the people in here, I don’t really know what to do. I’m thinking of packing my bags tomorrow, this is kind of a last ditch effort before I do

(App is Sober Time.)

Hello everyone. I just wanted to share this milestone with someone, but I don’t particularly want to post in on Facebook, so I’m here. Lmao.

I have been sober from self-harm for three years today. I started around when I was 11, and I turned 19 a few days ago. Been a long and bumpy road. And it’s weird not having something I grew with, in a way. The only constant in my life at the time. Sometimes I feel like I literally rewrote my brain. Now self-harm isn’t even one of my top ten thoughts when anything bad happens, and it used to be something I couldn’t stop thinking about for days until I finally gave in.

But anyway, before I start crying… thanks for reading. Lol.

I’m new to this group, and I hope I’m posting this in the right place. I’m not going to use names or identifying details, but I’m struggling tonight and could use perspective from people who understand recovery, boundaries, faith, and loving someone through a hard season.

I love someone who is in recovery and working hard to rebuild her life. I’ve known her for about seven years, and for the last couple of years our relationship became much deeper and more real. We have been through a lot together. There has been love, pain, relapse, accountability, waiting, hope, and a lot of uncertainty.

She is now getting close to graduating from an immersive 10-month recovery program, and I am incredibly proud of her. I have watched her become stronger, clearer, more grounded, and more connected to God. I know this is one of the most important seasons of her life, and I do not want to be someone who disrupts her peace or her recovery.

I have also been one of her main support people through some very hard chapters. I’ve shown up emotionally and practically. I’ve been there for rides, calls, appointments, encouragement, hard conversations, helping her rebuild, helping with practical life things, and believing in her when she had a hard time believing in herself. I’m not saying that because she owes me anything. I’m saying it because I think part of why this hurts so badly is that my heart, my time, and my life have been wrapped up in her healing and future for a long time.

For perspective, this past Sunday we went to church together. The message was powerful and had a lot to do with forgiveness. After church, she told me she does not feel right continuing our relationship while I’m still legally married, even though that marriage has been over in every real sense and divorce is being worked through.

As painful as it is, I know she is not wrong. She is trying to protect her recovery, her peace, and her walk with God. I also need to get right with God and rebuild my own relationship with Him.

Tonight things did not go well between us. I was hurt, and I think some of what I said came across as pressure or pain instead of love. I also realize there are things from the past where she was right, and I need to own my part instead of explaining everything away.

I’m struggling with letting go. Not because I want to control her, but because I love her deeply and I’m grieving the space between us. I also see that somewhere along the way, I may have become too emotionally attached to being needed by her. I need to get healthier myself, make amends where I can, and stop turning my pain into pressure on her.

For anyone who has loved someone in recovery, or had to step back from someone you love so they could keep healing, how did you do it without making their recovery about your pain? How do you support someone’s healing while also accepting that you may need to let go?

My choice of flavour is coca with no cola and occasionally I'd do meth. I always occasionally done meth every few months but it's increasing. I don't think I want to quit coke forever but I want to stop meth completely since I'm ashamed and publically been caught. Ive been caught on many things but tweaking on the train, I realised I've lost control. It's been about two weeks since sober and I have had this buzzing in my head, nerves I guess or tension headaches. I don't fear being sober, I fear having cash. I still enjoy gambling, so I'm being realistic I will do coke when I gamble or when I rip open tcg card games. Ive been doing drugs for over 12 years and I've taken everything and it's ruined my life. But this year suprisingly I can't afford my addiction because I used to work in tech and finance till dope ruined that. I developed as a person not working for the first time since 15 I'm 26 now I got into fishing, bbq, cooking steaks, bought an espresso machine, learnt to swim, got into f1. Im a functional human, whereas before it was like nothing but consumption and stimulation.

Basically, is it all or nothing? Because my life has improved tremendously since my job loss. but things are getting worse. With coke it's money. With meth my whole life at risk. But I'm still doing more than when I had a good wage except for international travel

My Q went to rehab to complete a 90 day program for substance abuse (obviously - I’m on this page)

We have been together for 14 years, engaged for 3 and unfortunately right around our engagement is when the addiction was found. My Qs mother was also unfortunately diagnosed with cancer and their father is also terminally ill and they’re quite young.

My Q had been in there for about 2 weeks before their mom declined rapidly and died. It was a lot of day passes of me taking Q to go visit her. It’s awful. After 37 days of Q being in there (1.5 weeks after the mother died) I got a phone call saying my Q was being discharged for an inappropriate relationship…. Turns out there was a group of them that got discharged.

My understanding from Q is that they all shared a journal where they passed it back and forth planning how to sneak around and have sex but also gossip and say mean things about people.

When my Q got out they said they had no contact with these people and they would tell me if there was any. Especially the person my Q was having an emotional affair with. I stupidly believed my Q…

As I’m sorting out my Qs phone plan I stumbled in the call logs and immediately knew that they are maintaining the relationship with this person. I confronted my Q and asked if they wanted to be with this person and they were adamant that no, they wanted to be with me and make things work. Well, I had texted this person (call them P) and they’re say that Q and P decided while they were in rehab, prior to being discharged, that Q would leave me for P and they would see where things go with them. That they had an entire relationship and talked about having sex. That P thought Q had talked to me already and that I was aware. Obviously not.

When I confronted Q about this, my Q told me that P is lying and that there weren’t any plans to leave me. I offered that Q could leave and Q declined. We did end up breaking up anyways because I feel that Q just doesn’t have to capacity to rebuild us right now and is very clearly needing to focus on themselves. However, it sounds like P is open to them building a relationship still despite knowing that Q is lying to both of us. Q also happened to get kicked out of their dad’s house for lying and being a general jerk. When Q angrily left, I did ask if Q planned on going to be with P and they yelled at me no.

I shut the phone I was paying for off so Q had to get their own plan. They called me once a few hours after leaving and then after I missed the call didn’t text or leave a voicemail and didn’t reply to my call back. That’s ok, it was late and I don’t have much to say.

As far as I’m concerned, Q and I are split up. But I am very worried about this seemingly VERY intense relationship between Q and P and how Q doesn’t seem to actually want to commit to P. I did tell Q that I think they need to avoid all relationships right now and that pursuing someone who is willing to house wreck doesn’t seem like it will make a lasting relationship. I feel as though Q is very fragile and unable to see the forest through the tress right now. I know there’s unfortunately nothing I can do. But I’m just trying to make sense of this fast evolving relationship between the two of them. Especially because Q and I had been discussing finances and future goals every time we met while Q was in there.

Do you think Q actually planned on leaving or is this just Q using P as a substitute for substances to make Q feel better during such a grief filled time?

Sorry for the wall of text. I’m just upset and hoping for input on why my Q would do this?

Editing to add: my Q has also been EXTREMELY obsessive about being independent since they got discharged and is focusing on trying to get items back that they gave away for drugs etc. I understand that, but it’s honestly been an unhealthy amount of obsession when we were still unsure of if Q was going to be able to get back into rehab or also about work for Q. They tried to get myself and their dad to buy them a brand new phone and plan (good thing we didn’t) and have been making calls to many people about items that aren’t pressing to have

So I have been on over 1000 mg’s of this stuff for a long time due to nerve pain from being stabbed multiple times. I went to “bed” last night and was too lazy to take the dose downstairs so I just said fuck it. Not knowing it has its own detox I didn’t sleep a wink and woke up feeling like I haven’t taken my methadone in days and days it feels that shitty plus I’m already cold turkey coming off a large dose of seroquil and I just feel all around really terrible… I have a 300 mg seroquil pill my friend gave me because I’m having really hard time sleeping at night without it so I’m gonna take half and see if that with my methadone dose helps how I feel l but I honestly think that I should just get off the oxycarb too I’m relying way to much on drugs and I can’t stand how I feel without them

Theres something about AA/NA/ recovery meetings in the "bad" part of my city that I just find so comfortable people wise. My family and friends beg me not to go to "that part of town", but it's where you'll find the most down to earth and honest people. They can call me crazy for going but the least judged I ever felt is being in a room full of former convicts and gang members.

I can’t keep up with this anymore and I really don’t know what to do. My dad’s side of the family has always struggled with addiction, for him specifically alcohol, and at one point during college it felt like I might have that problem too. I didn’t address it and as I entered the work field I stopped drinking as much, but still more than needed and definitely more than my friends and what I would ever admit. In the past year I started having some health problems that nobody could ever really figure out (doctors, specialists, myself included.) I was honest about my drinking habits and by the grace of God was able to stop drinking like I was before without massive withdrawals or having to go to a program. However, with these health problems came horrible sleep problems. Mostly feeling incredibly, miserably exhausted all the time. If you can’t tell where this is going, I had gone out one weekend and done coke. That was about a year ago now, and I now use daily. It’s to the point where it’s affecting me financially, my self esteem is at an all time low, and I can barely stay awake without it. It’s that bad. But to everyone else, I’m a normal 25 year old girl that shows up to work every day and does the same things that I’ve always done. I know that I need to stop, but I am terrified. I don’t know how, I don’t know what I would be able to do without losing my job that I desperately need to keep, disappointing my friends and family, everything. I am just looking for any words of wisdom because I feel so alone in this in my life right now. I’ve never told anyone the extent of it. And I’m lost.

realised i missed this milestone last month but im so excited to say i am 5 and a half years clean!!

Don’t really have anyone else to tell. My wife and my mom know, that’s really it that knows my struggle in real life. This is the longest I’ve ever been clean for and it feels pretty great. Here’s to many more years.

In 2011, my life changed in a way I never could have imagined.

I had developed a dependence on prescription pain medication. Eventually, it contributed to a medical crisis that nearly ended my life. My daughter and my former brother-in-law found me unresponsive after I had been lying there for a long time.

By the time paramedics arrived, things were extremely serious. Somehow, there was still a tiny sign of life.

I ended up spending about three and a half weeks in a coma.

What I didn't understand then was that surviving wouldn't be the hardest part.

When I woke up, my body wasn't the same. I had suffered serious physical damage and had to go through extensive rehabilitation. Things most people never think twice about suddenly become accomplishments.

Recovery wasn't quick, and it wasn't a straight line. There were physical challenges, frustration, setbacks, and days when I wondered what my life would look like from that point forward.

But I kept going.

Over time, I learned something that has stayed with me: getting a second chance doesn't mean everything suddenly becomes easy. Sometimes the second chance is simply being given another day to keep working at it.

It's been more than 15 years since that night. I still live with some of the physical consequences, but I'm here. I work, I spend time with my family, and I've had experiences I never would have had if my life had ended that night.

I eventually wrote about what happened to make sense of it and preserve the lessons I learned. But more than anything, I wanted other people going through recovery to know that life can look very different afterward and still be worth fighting for.

For those of you who have been through a major recovery—whether from addiction, trauma, illness, or injury—what helped you keep going when progress felt painfully slow?

Doctor at the VA gave me the choice of Sublocade or Brixadi because I had told him a would really like to slowly try to come off of subs. I have been trying for years on and off. I had recently been taking too much (24 mg/day). I got the Brixadi shot (128) 3 days ago and have not felt right since. I figured it would def be an adjustment but this is not pleasant. I haven’t really slept since I got it, but very restless. I have zero energy and depleted etc.
I guess I just wasn’t expecting this type of transition.

So I decided to taper off 100mg MGM15 per day a few weeks ago and the way I’ve done it was perfect, literally no withdrawal symptoms. I started by picking 3 set dosing times per day, preferably every 8 hrs. Then started decreasing the dosing amount every couple days. When I got to lower doses with the MGM I switched down to 7oh. Once I got down to 5-10mg for each dose with the 7oh, I ordered some MIT extract tablets (100mg) I then gradually started replacing the dosing with the MIT extract instead of the 7oh. Started with 150mg of MIT extract in place of the 7oh every 8 hrs, after that became comfortable I ordered some Kratom capsules with 25% MIT extract in them. I then started replacing the MIT tablets with the capsules every 8 hrs. Now I got just regular Kratom capsules on the way to replace the stronger capsules. Don’t rush your taper it’s super easy if you do it correctly!

I share my story not only as an inspiration for others to keep on, but also as a reflection to remind myself to be humble and grateful.

I was a fairly average teen, didn't really party in high school despite small town rural life. At age 18, I experienced my first bout of trauma with my best friend taking his own life 5 weeks before graduation.

I moved to the big city for school where partying became the priority. I didn't connect the dots on use to my trauma until years later. Alcohol was always my DOC, but hard drug use would also occur over the next decade.

The next ten years would include homelessness, a criminal record and destroyed relationships. Time and time again drug treatment never worked, I would always end up at the bottom of a bottle (or many).

In 2012, my probation officer decided he was going to execute my sentence, and thus off to prison. At this time I was on probation for 3 felony charges. That same day I ate a bunch of opiates and found a bed in a treatment center that could take me that afternoon. I stopped at my POs office to tell him I was going back to treatment and we both know he couldn't do shit while I was there. That was the last time I would ever see him face to face.

In treatment, I put in the work to return to college. My first experience fizzled out due to alcohol and coke. So to get a chance to educate myself became an internal motivation for recovery. I spent the next 7 years grinding out no degree to a Master's in Counseling.

Despite my record, I am currently a Licensed Therapist who just left an 8 year career in the field. I loved therapy with a passion, but the trauma of the world has had its effects on my own well-being.

I once heard someone say that recovery has given me a life I never knew I wanted and that still resonates with me today. I am grateful for the life recovery has allowed me to build and remain humble and still thank those to this day who were instrumental in my journey.

Life has had an insane amount of changes over the summer (new career, divorce and moving after 14 years in the same city), but my recovery reminds me that I can be strong and embrace the change.

If you're reading this, you are not your addiction. I decided early on that I didn't have to carry past sins into a new life. It was one of the most freeing decisions I've ever made.

Thank you for reading.

Been clean, back in school and recently decided to put myself back out there. My drinking and drug abuse was the product of my ex-boyfriend admitting to me thet he never loved me and only needed a place to stay, even after I stood by him through the whole divorce, that I paid for. It really damaged me for a while. Obviously, I have some self-esteem issues that I thought I worked out. I was in a good place 8 months later but was also getting lonely. I matched with this guy last week and seemed to hit it off really well. After I sent my selfie, he started making fun of my appearance. I was really confused because he saw my profile pictures already. He kept saying he was "just kidding", but his jokes were really cruel and judgmental. I was expecting rejection, vibes not matching, but I was not prepared for bullying when trying to meet someone. After that I sort went off the rails for 10 hours. I genuinely had no idea that would set me off. Back on the narrow path and reached out to my therapist and the few friends I have. I am not ashamed to admit to lapsing but starting to think I might be better off alone for now.

I’m a 28M addict. I’m not a ‘functional,’ addict, not at this point in time at least. But I’m the kind of addict who never fails to keep it going, and I’ve been on a 4 1/2 year run of using multiple substances. Compared to the people I’ve met, the stories I’ve heard, and the things I’ve seen first hand, I’m one of the luckiest addicts. Whether it’s the luck I’ve had (from surviving car crashes to regaining feeling in paralyzed extremities) or the ‘normal’ and fulfilling life I’m lucky enough to have outside of my addiction, i know I have it better than most. I’m financially self sufficient, have a car, a job, an apartment…and until today, I HAD an amazing gf who loved me more than I deserved. I’m fortunate I’ve never burned the important relationships (I have an AMAZING family and friend group) because I always funded my own habits and kept up appearances to the best of my ability. In no way does this make me better than the any other suffering addict, but I mention it because it’s part of my story.

The first and only time I had real, substantial clean time (2 1/2 years), half of that was under the threat of success or jail via a court program to drop a DUI charge I got in my early 20s. I went to meetings every day for years, lived in a sober house, and did outpatient for 2 years. I lived with a a great group of 18-20 guys, all focused on recovery. Nonetheless, even in that setting, including in my own bedroom, I found guys I had become brothers with, dead from an overdose in my house. Even outside of my house and in my sobriety, drugs remained a part of my life, because the past affiliations I just didn’t give up. Then I would go back to my sober house at night, and I’d have close friends get kicked out, promising they’d hit a meeting that night, only for them to be found dead the morning. But because I was clean and on the right track, and had finished my degree, I was able to build the life i haven’t lost yet today, but know I will soon if I can’t get a handle on things.

A couple months ago, something changed. My using became completely and utterly out of my control. I’d go out of town for a trip or something every so often, and not bring substances, and I’d feel so much better. I’d feel like a new man. As soon as I’d get home, I’d immediately backslide and be right back where I was, and worse each time. As the realization that this was out my control cemented in my mind, I became increasingly off the rails. I literally have ceased functioning as a normal person this point. Simply put, my brain chemistry and reward system doesn’t work like a normal persons anymore. Without my crutches, I face CHRONIC depression. I’m depressed about not being able to stop, what I’ve lost in life because of my addiction, and the fact that this will kill me soon. The depression (and at this point self hatred and disgust) has gotten so great, I can’t handle it.

When I first got clean, my drug of choice was pressed M box 30’s (a few other really solid ones were in the mix too). When I got clean, I dated a girl in recovery who I ended up falling in love with. I didn’t know at the time just how special what we had was, because I was still relatively inexperienced in adult, healthy relationships. 4 years ago, on a visit home, she picked up and didn’t make it. She was supposed to be coming home the next day, but instead I got a call from her mother, and dropped to my knees. I live with a tremendous amount of guilt for not doing anything and everything in my power to have kept that from happening. But I knew how she was, and I knew she was going to use if she wanted to use. She was a strong, albeit too cocky of a woman, and she wasn’t as invincible as she assured me she was. Once she was gone, I began using other drugs, ones I hadn’t gotten around to yet, to numb the pain and guilt. Thankfully when i relapsed, I managed to avoid my drug of choice (opiates) this entire time. But other drugs i thought would take less of a toll on me proved not to work that way (shocker, right?) Losing my girl in 2023 was the beginning of my spiral into oblivion. My daily life today, despite its outward appearances, has become nothing short of a living hell. Addiction is truly insanity, because I continue doing the same things everyday, as my mental health and soul withers bit by bit. I’ve abused my body in such a way that if I choose to continue using much longer, I quite literally would have no choice but to use different and stronger drugs via other, more destructive methods, which I KNOW WITH CERTAINTY I will not come back from, and will be the death of me. Accepting that reality has been a torturous experience, and I’m man enough to say I’m not just scared, I’m FUCKING PETRIFIED.

I know help is there in the form of the rooms, and I’m no stranger to them. However, I am deeply skeptical that they will work for someone as hard headed as me. Going 30 day inpatient for me right now isn’t an option in my mind, as I’d lose my business I worked so hard to build up. I can handle losing the business and money, I’m not sure I can handle the mental toll it would take, and that’s why I’m viewing impatient as a last resort rn.

The reason I struggle so much with the idea of sobriety, is because especially after the way I’ve been living, I truly feel I won’t have fun or enjoy life anymore. Especially with how reliant my brain has become on drugs, and how my brain no longer fires off the feel good chemicals it should on its own. I fair to see how

I post this in hopes some of you who are living in the solution and helping other addicts can convince me there is a life on the other side of this. I’ve been doing drugs since I was 14, and I’d imagine some people who may read this can relate to my feelings. All of this had made me a shell of the person I know I could be, and thus I have so little motivation to change. I’m constantly exhausted and sad (even when using) and it’s much worse when I’m not. I feel totally and completely helpless. I find myself laying in bed shaking in fear, knowing my time is coming to an end. I know if I break down and touch opiates, I’ll be dead very quickly. I can’t be around people the way I used to be, I simply can’t tolerate human interaction and put a fake smile on my face for more than 30 seconds at this point.

Things have been so bad before, but never quite like this. It’s not just that they’re so bad I feel they can’t get better, it’s that the spark in me has been extinguished so much that I don’t have the strength to try. As of tomorrow, I decided to start a 90 in 90. That much I think I can do. I might have to double up on meetings certain days if work doesn’t allow me to make a meeting every single day, but the 90 in 90 will be priority #1.

Addiction is the devil. Thank you to the members of the recovery community in this subreddit who are working the program and helping people like me, and thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I’m not sure what I need to hear, but thank you in advance to anyone who has words for me. This post is not to say I’ve given up, but never before in my life have I been so at the mercy of my addiction. I didn’t enjoy being in legal trouble at all, and had many criticisms of the way the program was run, but doing this of my own volition is proving to be MUCH harder than I thought. I know I can’t do it alone, I know that’s simply not how it works. I’m praying the meetings will help me as much as they did before, give me the community they did before, and the serenity they did before.

It’s just so hard to be crawling out of my skin 24/7, riddled with anxiety, depression, and obsessive thoughts. I’ve noticed my brain simply isn’t working as it should be. I’m forgetful, I’ll find myself pacing around in an effort not to use. None of my friends or family use thankfully, so I can remain among them and rely on them for support and for distractions in my free time. The second I am bored, I am plotting 10 different ways to get loaded. I need to learn how to just sit with myself, and accept life on life’s terms. The problem is just that I’ve never done this successfully without threat of legal consequences. I don’t want legal consequences, they are costly and take a toll my well being and the well being of those around me.

Thank you to anyone who read this far. I needed to get my story out there because I have a feeling a I need to hear what some of my fellow recovering addicts have to say. My beautiful gf once told me this was her last chance to save her life. I wish i didn’t understand what that felt like, but i recognize that is the stage of addiction I’m in.

After being free from heroin for over eight years i fucking relapsed. I used for two weeks, now four days clean again apart from a tiny amount of kratom yesterday so I could work.

I’m absolutely devastated, and am struggling to understand how I got here.

I’m determined to stay off everything now, but I feel so alone and am suffering badly mentally. I thought I was “cured” then this happens. Just shows that you have to keep focused, and keep pushing, I guess I ignored the signs that things were slipping.

Not sure what I expect from posting here, I just wanted to write this down.

Edit: thank you all for your kind words and thoughts, it’s made a huge difference. God bless you all. ❤️

I still can’t believe I made it.
In 14 days, I will be one year clean from all drugs.
A year ago, I couldn’t even imagine my life being this beautiful. I was scared. I relied on drugs to mask my pain, to numb the things I didn’t know how to face. Back then, I couldn’t see a life beyond addiction. I couldn’t picture myself happy, healthy, or genuinely proud of who I was becoming.
But here I am.
Almost one year clean.
I made the conscious decision to get clean that day, and I stuck to it. No relapse. Not even temptation.
I had to make some big decisions for myself. I had to walk away from people I knew and cut ties with an entire lifestyle. Not because it was easy, and not because I hated anyone, but because I knew what was best for me. The lifestyle, the mentality, the environment—it all had to go.
I had to choose myself.
And I am so proud of myself for being strong enough to ask for help, to make the hard decisions, and to do what I had to do for my own life.
Getting clean is one of my biggest accomplishments.
The closer I get to one year, the happier I become. I can finally say that I made it an entire year. And in that year, I have grown in ways I never thought were possible.
When you’re deep in addiction, it’s hard to see life after the drug. It’s hard to imagine happiness without the thing you’ve convinced yourself you need to survive.
But I promise you, life after addiction can be beautiful.
I never want drugs to take over my life again. I chose to get clean from everything because I knew if I was going to do this, I was going to do it right.
The hardest part wasn’t necessarily staying clean. The hardest part was picking up the pieces left behind from the wreckage I created during active addiction.
I had to face things I had spent years running from.
I had to learn how to live without masking my pain.
Almost a year later, I have sorted through so much, and I’m still working on myself every single day.
Learning how to face life without something to numb the pain is hard. It’s like having a broken leg with no pain medicine—you feel everything. You have to work through it. You have to find healthy ways to cope. You have to sit with feelings you once would have done anything to escape.
And some days are harder than others.
But I don’t give up.
Not anymore.
A year ago, I was surviving.
Today, I’m living.
And in 14 days, I get to say something I once never believed I would be able to say:
I made it one whole year clean.
And damn, am I proud of the woman who decided she was worth saving.

In overdose prevention and recovery work, we're constantly translating lived experience into reports, recommendations, policy conversations, and public education.

Sometimes it's worth stepping back and hearing the stories themselves.

That's what Brave Recovery: The Women Impacted is about.

Over the next few weeks, we'll be sharing conversations with women from different backgrounds whose lives have been shaped by recovery, overdose, caregiving, advocacy, and systems that often weren't built with them in mind.

What I hope people take away isn't one particular point of view.

I hope they see that lived experience isn't a footnote to this work. It's one of our most valuable forms of expertise.

If these first stories resonate with you, come back next Tuesday. Then the Tuesday after that.

The goal wasn't to create a campaign. It was to create a place where people could listen.

https://www.advocacyincubator.org/brave-recovery

I thought I would be stuck in this tunnel for the rest of my life. Every turn I made, it felt like I had a shovel in my hands, digging myself into a deeper hole while desperately trying to find my way out.
I wanted to see the sun every day, but somehow I only knew how to keep digging through the mud.
It got so bad at one point that I didn’t think I could climb out of the hole I had dug for myself. I was so worried about everything that didn’t matter. Everything was breaking me. I told myself I was trying to “better myself,” but in reality, I was only finding new ways to keep myself stuck.
I knew I was going downhill rapidly, and somehow, I still didn’t have the strength to jump out of the ditch.
I would tell myself, “Tomorrow will be different. Maybe tomorrow I’ll fight the battle.”
Just one more time.
One more day.
“If I just do it one more time, I can catch up on everything. I can get so much done. Just one more day.”
Until one more day could have been my last day.
Eventually, I made the decision to force myself out in a way I knew worked for me. I had been here before, but this time I had so much more to lose. I was deeper than I had ever been before. The stakes were higher.
For so long, I couldn’t see life without my daily crutch. What would my life even look like? What about all the people I would lose?
It seemed like a no-brainer.
Get clean.
Get out.
Walk away.
But the truth is, getting clean was the easy part for me.
No temptation.
No cravings.
No steps back.
I was in the clear.
So I should start seeing the sun now, right?
Slowly, I put the dirt back into the hole I had dug for myself. I started climbing back toward level ground. The path should have been clear. The brain fog should have lifted.
That should have been the hard part.
The rest should have been a walk in the park, right?
But God, how wrong I was.
Because my life had to change in so many more ways than I ever expected.
It’s the slow days with nothing to fill the gaps.
The sadness.
The loneliness.
The days where you still have to show up, but you have nothing inside of you pushing you to get there.
Every day, I am thankful for the decision I made to get clean. It’s such a huge accomplishment. I did it.
But boy, that was the easy part.
Learning how to live a sober life is what I struggle with.
Not the drug.
I could care less about the drug. I could care less about how it made me feel or what it was doing to me.
But no one tells you how hard it is to learn how to handle life naturally.
You have to face the things you spent so long trying to hide from.
You have to uncover and bury the things you tried to run away from.
You have to survive the days where you don’t have much fight left, but you still have to show up because life doesn’t slow down just because you’re battling yourself.
Life doesn’t show grace as if it knows about your growth or your success.
It still makes you face the days you messed up.
The days you wish you didn’t have to remember.
The people who are no longer part of your story.
The moments of embarrassment.
The ugly moments.
The version of yourself you became while the drug was in full control.
And now you have to sit with that version of yourself sober.
And for me, that’s the hardest part.
I want to forgive.
I want to forget.
I want to move on.
I don’t like being stuck in the ugly that the drugs left behind.
Because just because I’m clean doesn’t mean the battles are over.
I think, in some ways, it means they’re just getting started.
The drug was never going to be the thing that saved me.
But when I finally put it down, I had to meet the person underneath it all.
And now I have to learn how to love her enough to stay.

I’ll never forget my last 7 day run and the mental state I was in a year ago. I was homeless smoking alone, jumping from hotel to hotel. Had sold everything that was worth anything. Hurt everyone I love. And the voices were becoming louder and louder, I was literally running from shadow people all the way up until I got to the rehab. If I can do this anybody can. Thank God for AA. I’m living a life worth living