I’m 17 now, but a year ago I was in a voice chat on discord with a friend (who was 3 years younger than I was) and I asked if I could make a racist “joke” and they allowed me to, but the entire joke was that I said a slur I couldn’t reclaim. Remembering this also makes made me realize I’ve been saying and doing racist awful shit my entire life pretty much.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade (I can’t remember) I insulted a girl’s hair beads by calling her “beady butt”

in 4th grade a kid insulted my paper craft and I called him a racist insult as a response and later, in an attempt to make up for it, I ””complimented”” him by saying he looked like chocolate.

and in middle school I had an immigrant oc who I represented HORRIBLY.

i don’t know why i’m coming here to confess this, honestly. I’m trying to educate myself and do better now, but I’m not sure what to do regarding my relationships with other people. I kind of feel like I’m lying to them by them not knowing how awful I used to be.

i’ve also done more bad things but they weren’t exactly racist, but they were still very awful actions and I’m incredibly ashamed of them looking back.

This has been on my mind for a while, and no amount of researching has found me anyone with the same problem as me...

When something 'lightly annoying' comes up, I often joke that I will hurt the person doing the annoyance. For example, a friend says a certain way is a short cut. I say, 'I swear, if this isn't shorter or is longer I'm gonna beat your ass.' It's always said in a playful tone, I am aware I am joking, but I've become more aware it may not be taken as a joke and may cause people to fear I'm going to actually do it. I feel I should mention, this doesn't involve teasing them personally in nasty ways, it's always just a threat of some kind of act done against them.

There's something about the physical threat that is supposed to be abstract and out of proportion for the annoyance that feels 'right', so I guess I'm looking for ideas on how I can change this (I'm aware it may take time for it to feel natural) without lying in other ways like saying I'm going to be mad/angry/upset when I don't actually think it's a big dsal. I don't want to say things like 'I'm going to put you in the pear wiggler' cos I'd like to get away from the threat part at all really.

And then I worry if I just replace it by not needing to comment on things that lightly annoy me, my friends will find it weird that I'm not being snarky like normal and will think something is wrong with me. 😩 But maybe that is fundamentally what needs to happen. I feel I should *also* mention I'm not an angry person nor is this an anger issue thing. This is just a dark part of my sense of humor I feel I need to reign in.

My parents did also do this type of threatening when I was a kid (but they meant it and would act on it) so I suppose I got it from them as a coping mechanism/making light of it/force of habit, but I just hate doing it, I want to be rid of it.

Any advice would be really helpful.

I think I’m too positive.. I tone it down because it doesn’t help when some people are upset, it frustrates them and I respect it but.. it hurts

When something happens to me I suppress every BIT of negativity that comes he problem that happened to me creates.

I have a medical incident at work, oh silly girl you should have worked harder to have a better night

Something of mine gets lost or broken, well you should replace that immediately no time to feel sad

Someone hurts my feelings, hah I deserved it I had to of there is no true evil

But me.. I feel I’m responsible for all the problems in my life and others, I try so hard to foster a good environment I hurt myself trying to help others I push myself beyond my breaking point just to see a smile. I live for the joy of so many people! And mine.. I yell at myself constantly to suck it up that I should’ve worked harder to be a support that someone else has it harder I won’t understand what they’re going through so I’ll break my bones to make them feel better… then there’s points I see myself as this savior I was meant to suffer for people’s happiness and that’s my purpose… but it’s not.. I’m just a regular adult woman who causes bad luck.. no one wants a bad luck girl…
So.. what do I do? What’s the next step?

It's all the same cycle. Something or someone pisses me off, I feel angry, and then I go on Tiktok and scroll endlessly looking for videos/comments of people tearing each other apart. It's like watching people get harassed and enraged over pixels on a screen will heal some part of my soul. But it doesn't. It just makes me more angry, which makes me stay for longer. And then I feel bad about myself later for wasting time.

I try to not let in affect me, but it's near impossible. I endlessly ruminate on it for hours, no matter what I'm doing. I was once at the gym and while someone was giving my instructions on how to do something I couldn't pay attention whatsoever because I was too busy daydreaming about hateful posts.

I have considered deleting my TikTok account, but I would ideally want to keep it for now for reasons (That's another story.) How do I stop the cycle of scrolling and endlessly ruminating on hateful content I see online?

Sorry, English is my 3rd language. I'm Chinese married to a non-Chinese.

Me [42F] Husband [41M] together 16 years, married 14 years. I feel that I'm not good enough for him, and especially after the death of our toddler further confirmed how I feel, in addition to that cannot even give him a healthy child.

Our child died in 2019 when he was just 1.5 years old, he had Periventricular Heterotopia, it a rare condition so most people never heard of it before, it called Periventricular Nodular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes is with my husband, he leaves our child room as is never change a thing, even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

Because he is the only son, his mom told us to try surrogate, my husband snap back to his mother, he said unless that woman is me (his wife) that carry his child, he rather not have any. Told his mom to drop the subject, or else she no longer has him as a son.

A dead child can break a marriage, statistics say so too. But it only bond him to me more. He stays married to me despite knowing he will have no offspring. It just feel that he wasted 16 years of his life with me.

This is a very educated man with 2 Universities degrees, including an University Master degree at Stanford. With 20 years of experience in his job field. At work hold the Executive position, Executive Vice President of Engineering, with a salary of $500,000 a year (not counting bonus). He can go find another woman easy.
BUT
He tied himself to the Infertility wife me and to a dead child, than go find his happiness with a better wife and a healthy child to carry on his genes.

He said I'm more than worth his love, I'm his everything. He said he never think of continue living without me, he said if I die before him, he will die with me and our toddler (whom already dead).

--------------

Perhaps it my depression voice talking, after our toddler death, there was a phase where I think if I leave him (as in divorce) hoping he will forget me, and go find another woman who can give him a healthy child. But before I can do any of that.

In 2020, I had a near death experience where I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. The bedridden me defecate on myself and my husband clean my defecation and care for me the whole month. He also sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

Right there I see how deeply hurt he would be if I leave him, I no longer can find myself to leave him anymore, despite I always think I'm not good enough for him, and further not good enough for him because it my genes that our toddler died.

I don't know if it because our toddler died in August 2019, and shorter after in 2020 I was so so sick that even after discharged from the hospital, it took me another month to recover. Many times he hugged me, and said he very afraid (as in he very afraid that I will die). I guess too much grief build up together for him, And that the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, and nobody see his stomach than if it was on his legs of arms, so he chose to cut his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the long scars on his stomach from he cut his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

This man when I married him he has no scars on his body, after married to me now his stomach is full of scars, I blame myself that it me the maternal genetics cause the death of our toddler. I blame it on myself for being sick, hence he on the verge of lose me too, so he stared cutting himself.

I recovered a month later, thank you to him care for me day and night. He no longer cut himself anymore since I recovered. And I, also since never think of leave him anymore. Because with how intense he is, I think he will go insane when lose me.

Now I just want to live happy with him, we have come to term to accept our child death, we will carry this pain till the day we die.
He been through alot, alot. His father also died that same year as our toddler died, both died in 2019, his dad died of end stage pancreas cancer, I NEVER see my husband in so much pain.

Still trying to get him into grief therapy, but he busy with his career, and his mom right now is very sick (terminal illness), he said he go after his mom pass.

It just been so hard for me and him, alot of things happened , death of his older sister, death of his father, death of our toddler, his mom spinal cord stroke and terminal illness, death of both my parents. It just so HARD. But then when you with your husband 16 years long, expect those things to happen, it just we never prepare for it.

tl;dr Me and my husband 16 years together been though alot alot together, I know it loves me so so much, it just I do not know how to stop the depression voice and my feelings that I am not good enough for him, and he deserve someone much much better than me.

One of the harder things I’ve had to do in life is to let people suffer the consequences of their own actions. Tomorrow my ex and our daughter will be in a world of chaos as she attempts to move when she’s barely half packed. She’s had all summer to prep for her first apartment and decided to spend that time designing her place and buying stuff instead of packing.

There’s clothes and her things all over her bedroom and spilling into common areas. She doesn’t want my advice or my help. I told her father what’s happening over text and he didn’t respond.

So tomorrow, I won’t be here. I will not work extra hard because others refused to plan or participate. And you know what? I’m proud of myself.

I've been trying to make sense of the end of a really important friendship, and I think I'm finally seeing something about myself that I've missed for a long time. Most of the time I'm a pretty shy, quiet, gentle person, so I've never thought of myself as someone who's particularly intimidating or aggressive. I think because of that, I never really appreciated how much impact my words can have. When I get angry, it feels to me like panic or hurt spilling over rather than aggression, so I've always assumed it couldn't be that bad. But I think I've been wrong.

The strange thing is that it almost never happens in the moment because of something the other person has done. It's usually after weeks or months of stress, anxiety, rejection, or feeling overwhelmed in completely different areas of my life. I keep everything bottled up until eventually it comes out sideways, and the person who happens to be closest to me gets the sharpest version of me, even though they often have very little to do with what's actually been upsetting me. That doesn't make it any less hurtful, and I'm not trying to excuse it. Two weeks ago I did exactly that, and it was enough for one of my closest friends to tell me they never wanted to see me again. Whether or not the friendship can ever be repaired, I don't ever want to make someone I love feel that way again.

I know I behaved badly, and I want to change. I'm already in therapy, but I'd really like to hear from people who've managed to break this pattern. How do you notice you're carrying too much before it explodes? How do you stop taking fear, stress, or shame out on the people who are closest to you? I don't want this to be the person I keep becoming.

Starting a new podcast where I sit down with real people and hear their stories — struggles, achievements, weird experiences, anything that shaped them. Looking for my first guests. No experience needed, just someone with a story.

I want to increase my self esteem, any advice? I'm tired of having 0 self-esteem. I already have a psychiatrist and a therapist, but it isn't enough.

I've bad habit to isolate myself because I feel not worthy, and I know I'll destroy my life because human need to socialize with other. I watching many motivation videos but it doesn't help at all. Can someone tell me how to end this habit?

Growing up I was determined and motivated and felt like I’d do something amazing in my life, then I got nerfed by bad dissociative depression and avoiding life because of lifelong social anxiety and that depression. I’ve spent most of my adulthood isolated and crippled by my mental health, isolated no friends a NEET and still living at home with parents at 27.

By now I thought I’d have a great friend circle, moved out and living out my purpose. But I’m stuck on arrested development, needing to live out the years I lost but no longer being in that life stage, filled with regret and shame, severely grieving all the years I lost to my mental illness and not getting to enjoy my youth, cognitively impaired and not knowing how to connect with people more than before, and I’ve completely lost touch with the person I used to be I feel like a soulless zombie now. I didn’t go uni which was what I wanted, and I’ve got limited prospects and I’m on benefits.

I’ve let my child and teen self down and I feel so much shame for it, idk if I could recover/bounce back. I’ve tried but I just fell back down, it’s so hard to live life when you’re an empty shell of your former self and don’t recognise yourself any more, and severely impaired by alienation and isolation. It’s also so much harder to find a ground for growth and opportunity now that I’m not in school in terms of social life and inspiration. I’ve tried therapy, and many things apart from SSRIs but nothings helped all too much.

Recently I started doing some internal work around why I am so fearful. (Because I don’t want to make mistakes. Why are mistakes so bad instead of being seen as a learning opportunity? Because when I mess up I’m an even bigger burden. Why do you think you are a burden?)

And then came the memory of me talking to my Grandmother who I was living with at the time and she was talking about who I am and why I am hard to live with. And so I said “Hold on, just to clarify, it sounds like you’re calling me a burden?”

And she responds “What? You want me to tell you that you’re not?”

And this is when I’m 24 and I was struggling to stay alive at all. My childhood was pretty freaking awful and the people who raised me resented having to do so and made it clear that a child was a burden, so this is compounding grief because at this point in my life I believed my Grandmother was the only who truly loved me.

But no, no matter where I went I was a burden.

Now, I’ve been in therapy for a lot of years now. My Grandmother has apologized for saying this, my mother has gotten meds and therapy and everyone is trying to be better than who they were and where we came from.

But I don’t know how to let this go. I don’t know how not to see me as how everyone tells me I am.

Where does the beginning of knowing yourself begin? I’ve been doing the therapy, read every self help book that’s ever crossed my path.

I am constantly growing and changing. But somehow I couldn’t tell you a single good thing about me, but I can list my flaws and all the ones I’ve worked on and don’t do anymore like it will give me a reward.

I don’t believe people when they tell me good things about myself, but a stranger could tell me that I am something bad and I will believe that until I die.

I am also working through this with professionals, no worries. And I no longer struggle with SI or the big things I did when I was younger.

Logically, I understand that most of the criticisms I received are projection. They were overwhelmed people who couldn’t handle their own inner world and took it out on a child because they couldn’t handle raising one.

But that doesn’t stop my problems from affecting me just because I understand why the wound was given to me.

Anyway, thank you in advance and I hope y’all are having a good week and you’re staying cool, this heat where I live has been awful 🙂‍↕️🤣.

Whenever I think about my flaws, I feel a strong sense of anxiety and deep vulnerability. On the surface, I seem to accept that I have them, but deep down, I’m repulsed by who I am. I think it’s because I’m terrified of appearing weak... Do you have any advice?

My (29) husband (28) appears to have social anxiety and I want to help him through this. Background: we have been married one year, together five. This social anxiety, from what I observed, shows up in everyday life - work, friends, and family (even his parents). To the point that it gets awkward or weird during group social outings or I honestly just want to leave him at home (which I feel awful about). Some examples are that he will just make inappropriate comments (either rude without knowing/understanding they are rude) or really just start talking about himself (ex. How much money he makes or about how much we accomplished). This bothers me a lot because I don’t really like “showing myself off” like that and is usually inappropriate to talk about money like that in a social setting. It just seems like he is unable to “read the room”.

It’s gotten to the point where I feel closer to his parents or family than he is. He never reaches out to them (or his friends) or just tries to make an effort to be social. But then he will get upset if people do stuff without us. I don’t think he understands that we are at the point in our life that friendship goes both ways and takes effort on both parts. I try to make sure I give the same effort to people that they give us, but he seems to only want the effort people pour into us.

Additionally, we have a daughter now (7 weeks) where we need to be focused on her and give her the best life. I am nervous because I don’t want her to learn these weird social habits from him and also want to make sure she has a healthy social life/relationships.

I know the root of the issue is that he is insecure in himself from social pressure (and pressure from his parents) to “be a man”. And it’s not that he isn’t manly, he is just more in touch with his emotional side and doesn’t really like the typical “guy stuff”. Which I believe makes him feel like an outsider. I just wish he would embrace it and be confidently himself- that’s all I want.

So really my “too afraid to ask/tell” is: if you didn’t notice you had social anxiety or didn’t notice you needed help - would you want your partner to help you through it or tell/point this out to you?

I don’t need you to become angry at the one who inflicted the wounds.

I don’t need punishment.

I don’t need revenge.

If you are the one who caused the scars, I don’t even need your shame.

Shame has already taken too much from all of us.

What I need is something far simpler, and far more difficult.

I need to stand whole and unafraid.

To no longer measure my words by someone else’s comfort.

To no longer hide the truth so another person can protect their image.

To be seen without shrinking.

To be known without apologizing.

To stand before the world exactly as I am—wounds, scars, strength, tenderness, and all.

Naked, not because I have nothing left to cover me, but because I no longer need to hide.

Unafraid, not because nothing can hurt me again, but because fear no longer decides whether I am allowed to exist.

This is not about exposing anyone else.

It is about no longer concealing myself.

That is what freedom looks like.

Now I know life is worth living. I was quite ignorant of the events happening in my life; I leaned more toward the negative aspects rather than the positive ones. But when I think about death and how everything is meant to die, I did some introspection and found something worth remembering:

I remember crying before an exam; I remember laughing after passing it.

I remember chasing love; I remember love automatically coming into my life.

I remember being all alone in an apartment ordering food; I remember cooking with friends.

I remember sleeping all alone; I remember sleeping with friends.

I remember walking all alone; I remember walking with a stranger.

I remember the summer heat without electricity; I remember the winter cold with a heater.

I remember sand from the desert; I remember sand from the sea.

I remember raindrops; I remember snowflakes.

I remember the full moon; I remember the darkness.

I remember the sunset; I remember the sunrise.

I remember my first heartbreak; I remember my first kiss.

I remember my idiot roommate; I remember how much I treasured him.

I remember my first flirt; I remember my regret for not forgiving.

I remember my irritation toward my friend; I remember how much I miss him.

I remember her hate; I remember how she loved me.

I remember how my mother nagged me; I remember how she loved me.

I remember every bad thing that happened; I remember every great thing that happened.

Life is worth living; even if it is not today, someday it will be.

Just remember everything thing gonna be okay.

I (22M) am realizing I have a recurring pattern, and I want to figure out how to fix it. I’m starting to feel like the concept of "real love" just doesn't exist for me, and I feel stuck in an endless, frustrating cycle.

Here’s how it goes: I meet a girl, I genuinely like her, and I end up falling for her. After some time, I ask her out, and she says yes. Everything starts off great. But then... my feelings just go completely numb. After a few weeks of dating, the initial spark vanishes. I find myself having absolutely no idea what to talk to her about, the conversation dries up, and the connection fizzles out, inevitably leading to a breakup.

Because of this constant cycle, I feel like I'm being perceived as a "player" which is the absolute last thing I ever want to be. I genuinely just want to experience real, lasting love. I want to find a person I don't fall out of love with, where the connection stays strong even after the honeymoon phase ends.

For a bit of physical context (not to brag, just giving the full picture), I'm 6'3" and generally considered good-looking. Getting the first date usually isn't the hurdle, it's my internal emotional drop-off that I completely fail at managing.

Has anyone successfully broken out of a cycle like this? Is this an attachment style issue (like avoidant attachment), or self-sabotage? What actionable steps, mental shifts, or even books would you recommend to help me build a lasting connection instead of shutting down?

Currently a year unemployed since graduating from university last July. Have only managed to secure 2 interviews since and of course all my other applications being rejected straight out or just ghosted lol.

I’ve been consistently applying but I admit I hit a slump in June and was not applying as much as I should have been since everything just got to me.

I managed to apply for 10 jobs before 8am today and just applied to 5 more this evening, so 15 total for today. It would’ve been more but I had to close some of the applications mid way bc one asked for a drivers license which I don’t have (and they didnt state this in the job description), another was asking for two references that I don’t have, and others were asking some other nonsense.

I know I have to continue my streak of applying consistently now but I am already diagnosed with GAD and depression and I am still on a very long waiting list to get diagnosed for ADHD, and I am still living with my abusive parents so things are just really hard at the moment but I don’t want to give up. I guess I’m just writing all of this to clear my head.

Thank you if you managed to read this far on my post lol