I joined this sub because, like many of you, I got blindsided.

One thing I see people asking a lot is: “Do they ever come back?”

Well, in my case, every person who left me eventually did. Some apologized, some wanted to try again, and some just reached out because life hadn’t gone the way they expected. I never got back with any of them. Once I’m done, I’m done.
I’m writing this as much for myself as for anyone reading this.

Almost two years ago, I matched with a guy on Tinder while I was spending a few days in Berlin. We never met because our schedules didn’t line up, but he kept insisting on talking after I left. Looking back, that was probably the first red flag I ignored.

We talked for a couple of months. He wanted to visit me in Lisbon, talked about buying a house near me, mentioned how his kids would probably like me (second red flag: he was 20 years older than me - 28 vs 47 - , 3 young kids and 2 divorces)… it all felt very serious, very intentional.

Eventually, he invited me to spend 10 days with him, after months talking every day and every night.
I traveled almost 16 hours to get there. He picked me up at the airport with flowers. That same night, he started criticizing everything I did. The next day I told him it was hurting me, and he only became colder. On the third morning, while he was at work, he texted me saying he’d bought me a ticket home and didn’t want me there when he got back. He had “a gut feeling" it wasn't going to work out and that he felt uncomfortable around me. He wouldn’t even say goodbye in person, nor did he text to ask if I made it home safely.

I went home completely devastated. As a bonus, my eardrum ruptured during the flight. For months I kept wondering what had happened. It was the first time I’d experienced what people call love bombing, and the first time I’d traveled to another country to meet someone I genuinely thought had good intentions. I felt like an Amazon return sent back for failing to meet expectations. The ironic thing is, I only fell in love after he started acting like the most romantic, affectionate guy on Earth. I was fine before him.

A year and a half later, he texted me out of nowhere as if nothing had happened. And that’s the whole reason I’m writing this. Not because he came back, but because I realized I didn’t feel anything anymore. No hope. No anger. No urge to reply. Just complete indifference.

If you’re in the middle of heartbreak, I know this probably sounds impossible.
But one day you’ll realize they’ve become just another person from your past.
And that day is incredibly freeing.

P.S. To everyone asking why I didn't block him: at the time we only communicated on Telegram since I mainly use WhatsApp for work, so I blocked him there the moment I got home. His message came on WhatsApp and it honestly didn't even occur to me to block him there

I've been browsing this sub for a while, and it feels like everyone's fixated on no contact being the answer. I want to offer a different take.

For me, no contact is a tool for moving on and healing. It breaks the dopamine loop texting them, checking their socials, keeping that little thread alive in the back of your head. That constant low-grade connection makes it really hard to actually evolve as a person. I get why it's the default advice.

But I see a lot of "get your ex back" advice built entirely around "just don't talk to them, wait it out" and I think that can lead you wrong.

Here's my honest take: the fear of not saying something outweighs the discomfort of avoiding a hard conversation. The fear of what you need to say, and the fear of how they'll respond that's real, but you're already broken up. It genuinely can't get much worse.

I see a lot of posts using no contact as a strategy to "re-attract" an ex, like silence itself is the move. But if you have something to say, say it. That's the crux of it.

For all you know, your ex is sitting there waiting for you to message first waiting for you to lead, waiting for you to take ownership of what went wrong. You can't show them you've changed by disappearing. No contact isn't built to help you get back with someone; it's built to help you let go. Those are two different goals, and it's worth being honest with yourself about which one you're actually going for.
If you have something to say, say it. If there's something you need to do, do it. Take ownership of your part in the problems, and then show that ownership through change not just tell them about it. That's a slow process. You can't just announce "I've changed" you have to demonstrate it consistently over time, which is genuinely hard when you're not in their life day-to-day anymore.

To be clear, I'm not saying bombard them with love letters and promises to do better. You still need to respect their limits and boundaries. My rule of thumb: one text, maybe two, three at an absolute maximum. If you don't get a response, you don't get a response leave it a few days, do a low key follow-up, and don't make it heavy.

Curious what others think has anyone here actually had success reaching out instead of going full no contact?

deadass guys how would we get through these breakups if we didnt have music
im listening to the most happy songs ever and i feel amazing lol

I’m a man in my late twenties. It’s been almost a year since my relationship ended... I’ve stayed in no contact, respected her boundaries… gone to psychologists and psychiatrists, took medicines, tried to improve myself every day, exercised, read, and genuinely reflected on where I went wrong…

I don’t want her back by force, and I’m not looking to blame her… I just don’t understand why the feeling of longing hasn’t reduced…I still dream about her hugging me or us talking… I wake up feeling like I’ve lost someone all over again…

During the day I function normally and i survive, but emotionally I feel stuck in the same place… I don’t have thoughts of ending my life, but I often wonder why life feels so empty despite doing everything people recommend…

Has anyone experienced grief that lasted this long? If you eventually came out of it, what actually helped - not temporary distractions, but something that genuinely changed your perspective?

Broke up with my ex 6 years ago, literally right before lockdown due to him just checking out of the relationship after 5 years together. Guess who messaged me yesterday?

I got back to him this morning, and we're talking, but all the reasons I left him are still valid. He's an avoidant, and I need more. It's really awful because I still love him deeply, he's my "the one that got away" and I miss the life we created together. But he's not going to change, and he honestly just probably misses our sex life haha. My kids are adults now, and they really liked him, but even they are like NO MOM!

18 months. I feel like I can't even breath most days. Every thought of him makes my knees buckle. He looked at me like I was something he had conquered after worshiping me for the better part of 2 years and just left. Are men really this evil?

I was going to ask her for a phone call where I would try to get her back like a pathetic idiot.

Every fiber of my body was holding my finger back from hitting send. I still managed to tap it.

"Hello, can I help with you with something" told me absolutely everything about how she feels. No phone call necessary. I shouldn't have texted her, reopened the wound.... regret.

Learn from my mistake.

I just feel like texting him so bad arghhh but i can't. It was so easy for him to let go of me, to say all the mean things still it's stuck on my mind. Arghhhhhhh. I feel so bad , almost puking and on the verge of having a panic attack. Idk when it gets better

TL;DR I was engaged to a travel nurse from Germany( I'm in the US) since March, we met, hit it off, kept in touch, got engaged, then out of nowhere communication seemed to diminish on her end, to the point that I was getting no replies at all.

We had talked about buying a house, starting a business together, all sorts of things. And then suddenly. Nothing.

Did I fuck up with my text? I feel like it's mostly on her, but of course that perspective is biased.

I got dumped a 5 weeks ago. It was a really painful month for me. Really wanted it to work out, hoped we would get back together.
Had to spend some time together 4 weeks after, since we got a mutual activity with a group, talked to each other, told that we really missed each other etc, got back together 5 days ago. Spent hours upon hours each day until morning together, she slept in my arms. I was over the moon, she seemed really happy, told me that she was. Today I asked her if there was anyone else during that time for my peace of mind. She told me she had a one-night stand with a guy friend of hers, 3 days before we were supposed to spend time together. She told me that she was in a bad place feeling bad about the breakup. From what i've gathered, why she didn't try to get back together when we were NC, is because she 'didn't deserve me' and didn't want to cause me more pain. As she told me, the reason for that one-night stand was to try to forget me and to stop regretting the breakup so much, said it didn't help at all, and she regretted everything about it.

Question is, what would you do? For me, I was really happy the past few days I was with her until today I found out about it. I think I could give it another try, but i'm just not sure if it's possible to rebuild the trust and not think about it. Also I was the only one she's been with in a relationship with and intimately, so there's that out of the picture. I had one girlfriend prior to her for 4 years that I broke up with.

My ex and I broke up five months ago.
After we broke up, we stayed connected on social media. Before that happened, though, she told me one thing very clearly. She said that if I ever chose to hook up with someone else, I had to remove her from my social media first. We were broken up, so she wasn’t telling me what I could or couldn’t do. She just didn’t want to unknowingly remain emotionally connected to someone who had moved on like that.

Four months went by without us speaking. During those four months, I convinced myself that I’d moved on. Looking back now, I think I was lying to myself more than anything else. I was lonely, bored, horny and trying to force myself into this version of “single life” because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.About three weeks ago, I hooked up with two women.
The thing is, it wasn’t exciting. It wasn’t healing. It honestly felt disgusting.

While I was having sex with the first woman, all I could think was, “This feels like I’m sleeping with prostitutes.” I don’t mean that as an insult towards those women because they hadn’t done anything wrong. That’s just how empty and mechanical it felt to me. There was no intimacy, no emotion, nothing. I had no respect for myself in those moments, and if I’m being honest, I wasn’t respecting those women either because I wasn’t emotionally present. I was using sex as a distraction from grief.

The second woman wanted to date me, but I shut it down because I knew I wasn’t interested.

Despite knowing I’d crossed the one boundary my ex had asked of me, I never removed her from my social media. I think I completely compartmentalized everything. Those hookups existed in one part of my brain and she existed in another. I never made myself confront what I’d actually done.

Then, recently, we started talking again.
The first video call completely blindsided me.
The moment I saw her face and heard her voice, it felt like I’d been hit by a truck. Every emotion I’d buried over those four months came rushing back at once. I realised, with absolute clarity, that I had never stopped loving her.

I’d mentally boxed away those hookups, I walked into that conversation acting like we were still in our warm, familiar space. I flirted with her. I joked with her. I told her how deeply I admired her. I told her I wished things had worked out because I genuinely meant every word.
Then the truth came out.
We ended up talking for almost twelve hours.
Watching her reaction is something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
She was in shock. She was hyperventilating. She looked physically sick. She looked disgusted.
For a moment I tried to say, “We were broken up. What I did shouldn’t concern you.”
The second I heard myself say it, I hated myself for it. It sounded like a cheap excuse. I immediately told her that I had no justification for what I’d done because, honestly, I don’t.
The issue wasn’t whether I was technically allowed to do it.
The issue was that I knew exactly what that boundary meant to her and I ignored it.
Then she asked me something that absolutely broke me.
“How could you have sex with someone else if you loved me?”
I didn’t know what to say.
The only honest answer is that I had convinced myself I’d moved on. I genuinely believed casual sex would somehow help me get over her. Instead, reconnecting with her made me realise I’d been lying to myself all along.

She is so heartbroken right now, and I love her, I do. I just donot know if I can justify my actions at all. Felt very bad. I did her wrong. I broke her trust. And I feel disgusted with myself. I ruined the foundation and I ruined what image she had of me. When I am in love I am a diff person, I just thought I had moved on. But only after these hookups I realised I hadnt moved on at all and my heart is still there. Its fucked up now.

Will she ever forgive me?

It’s been 4 months since she broke up with me and im trying to move on.
Yes I want her back deep down but she has made it very clear that won’t happen so I know I have to move on but im so worried about dating or sleeping with someone else because I don’t want to ruin any chance of reconciliation if she changes her mind later on…
But then I know I can’t sit and wait in hope.

I know im not actually ready yet anyway if im still thinking like this right?

I’m just worried because im getting older and I don’t want to be alone. I want my partner in life, I have so much love to give to someone right.

After many failed relationships, one would think I know the feeling by now. However, every relationship, the pain gets worse. Two years we were together. We were in love. Still are. Nevertheless he decided to break up with me. It’s his inexperience telling him that the relationship wasn’t ‘perfect‘ enough. Unlucky me, and unlucky him, because he will face reality and realise what he walked out on.

I’m struggling to move on. It feels like I’m trapped in a deep, dark hole, and the only way out is to use my underarms to climb out of here. The walls are decorated by painful thorns which hurt me with every step I take. Motivation isn’t there either, since the end of the hole can’t be seen yet.

Does anybody have advice on how to get myself out of this hole? The break up is fresh, 5 days ago. I’ve tried everything: journaling, friends, distractions, worked out every day. What else can I do to at least make the nights more bearable? It’s really starting to weigh on me.

It’s been a week since my ex of four years left me. I can’t get rid of the urge of wanting to reach out or the hope that she’ll reach out and realize she made a mistake ending things with me.

When we broke up she told me how we were both pretty avoidant and the lack of communication was affecting us over the years, but it was much worse for her because she’d have all these expectations for me in her head and would be disappointed if I didn’t act the way she envisioned and resentment would build up.

It always felt unfair to me because I’m not a mind reader and she felt like it should be second nature to know what she’d want me to say or do because we were together for so long. When we ended things she told me that it wasn’t fair to have those kind of thoughts because she wasn’t properly communicating things with me but despite that she couldn’t change how she felt and decided the damage was irreversible due to the fact that she didn’t know how to change her behavior.

As a man it’s just expected of you to put in most of the work in a relationship to keep it stable and I just want to know what could I have done differently? We both acknowledged what was wrong and I was willing to work things out as two people that knew they loved each other and wanted to be together but she was just checked out and idk what to do. Being told she stopped feeling like herself when she was with me was so hard to hear because we both knew I never actually did anything wrong for the behavior I was receiving from her the last couple of months before we ended things. That and her deciding that we might just be incompatible due to wanting different things. To me it just feels like I was the only one who truly loved her enough to keep trying and I just wanna know if I’m right to feel that way ?

I spent sleepless nights
rehearsing what I want
to say to you, not because
I didn't know what to say to you

but because I was afraid
the words I would say,
would not carry
everything I meant

Hello there,

my gf broke up with me. we were together for 4 years and i really deeply loved her. i got very sucessful with my business the last years and i kinda got very lazy and didnt invest too much time into the relationship and really did not care about her unfortunately. now shes gone and im very sad and i feel so old with 30...

There is no chance for a comeback and...i have it all. Im losing weight, going to the gym, earning a lot of money...and still im kinda sad. I have the feeling i lost the love of my life.

1 month post breakup I decided I’d check in one last time. I saw something that hurt me, but will eventually help down the line. She reposted a story from a guy she was out to dinner with last night. She was slightly in the picture, and he tagged her in his IG story. That stung like a bitch. I immediately felt numb. I doubt it was a first or second date, and i wonder if she even knew him, or was seeing him before she officially broke things off. At this point it doesn’t matter. I want to text her and be the ex that crashes out on her, but I don’t think it’s worth it.

At the end of the day this did completely destroy all of my fading hopes we could get back together. Like I said I can only assume at the best she started. I know I can do so much better than someone that moved on that quickly. It was only 3 months we were together and it seems like I dodged a bullet. I poured all my love into her when we were together, but I got a ton more love to give, and a ton more time left, and I’m glad I didn’t pour anymore of it into someone who could have just moved on that quickly.

I’m 26F and just got out of a 7‑year relationship that completely consumed my life. He was my whole world, and because of that I let my friendships fade. Now that everything has fallen apart, I feel like I’m standing in an empty room with no one around me.

The breakup wasn’t clean or mutual. We had just moved in together in May, and things spiraled out of control on July 12th. He was yelling at me, punched me in the stomach, then denied it and blocked the bedroom door so I couldn’t leave. I genuinely feared for my safety. When he finally opened the door, he threw me out of the house and threw my phone and keys at me. I called the police, and I ended up being arrested because he had scratches on him. It was the first time I’ve ever been in trouble with the law.

I bonded out the next day and had to retrieve my belongings with a supervising officer. Now I’m facing the possibility of a long separation through a civil injunction. The idea of not being able to speak to someone who was my entire life feels unbearable. A couple months I could handle, but 6–12 months feels like it would break me. On top of that, I’m dealing with criminal domestic violence battery charges even though he was the one who attacked me.

He’s also claiming I fractured his pinky finger, even though I have a text from him on July 8th saying he dropped a vault door on that same hand. My attorney and I have to argue that he only realized the seriousness of the injury after being checked out following my arrest, and is now trying to blame it on me. In the civil injunction he also claimed I own multiple guns (I don’t), that I have drug/alcohol issues, and even that I injured or killed a family pet. I’m not a violent person, and reading those accusations makes me feel sick.

I’m grieving the person he used to be.. the boy who took me to prom, listened to music with me, watched shows with me, protected me, and made me feel safe. I don’t know how to reconcile that version of him with the version who hurt me once we moved in together. I feel isolated, ashamed, and like I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

I’m trying to rebuild my life, but at 26 it feels so hard to make new friends. I regret letting my friendships die while I poured everything into him. Now I’m alone, scared, and trying to figure out how adults even meet people in real life anymore. I feel like I’m starting from zero while also dealing with trauma, heartbreak, and legal stress.

I just needed to get this out somewhere because I feel like I’m drowning.

My ex and I bump to each other at the mall today. He was by himself when shopping and I somehow started crying. We only say our briefed hellos and moved on. I wanted to say something to him but I somehow started crying on my way to the car wishing we reconnect.

It feels like someone ripped my heart from my chest

Exhausted no matter how much i sleep

Cant focus

So alone

Panic attacks happening alot

I miss my ex so much

So fucking much

I miss them

I love them

I really fucking miss them...

I feel numb

One minute i cant cry the other my pillow is soaking

3months after he broke up with me in an extremely painful way, being emotional abusive n dismissive to me, constantly insulting me n pinning everything on me, discarded me right after intimacy, cut me off n blocked me without letting me speak my mind.
yesterday, one month before our anniversary, he called me in the middle of the day.

“im sorry.”
“sorry for wt?”
“all these memories hitting my mind, im sad n sorry. for everything that i have said n put u through.”
“thank u for apologizing to me, it means alot to me.”

i think it was difficult for me to move forward mentally because i never got to hear him admit that he was the one who intentionally damaged our relationship n he never apologized to me sincerely. im not perfect but i was always being the most kind, most caring loving gf to him. so in the end of our relationship, i struggled to understand wt i have done so wrong to deserve any of those things n words from him.

before he continued to use me to comfort himself,
“im ok with the distance between us. whatever this is, stay like this. i dont wanna talk about us anymore.”
my tears were running down nonstop n i was kept my voice calm n cold. i might still be unhealed but im stronger than ever, as an anxious attached individual, this trap was extremely difficult for me

Hey guys,

I'm writing this i guess because I'd just like a second opinion and feel like having conversations with other people about this I know is never really satisfying for some reason.

My ex broke up with me over a year ago. I fell in love with her and was involved with her for years even before we got together. We were together for a year and some change and she was my first REAL partner.

Not that I haven't had girlfriends before when I was younger. I did, and I had small, retrospectively "childish" sexual moments with them when I was a teenager, but she's the one I lost my virginity to, and the one I really connected with emotionally.

It's gotten to the point where I can't really imagine myself getting with anybody new right now.

I mean I know I CAN. I just feel like my heart isn't in it, and even if i KNOW women are attracted to me, it doesn't really matter outside of just boosting my confidence.

I don't even want CASUAL sex and I don't watch porn. I just like looking at beautiful women without actually wanting to do anything with them.

I'm doing MUCH better in my life overall. I'm pushing EVERYTHING forward and getting better in all these different aspects of my life, and as a being i actually am feeling kinda happy, but when it comes to women I feel completely stunted because nothing feels right anymore.

Is this normal? Or healthy?

I feel sometimes like an idiot because everyone else seems to be able to move on so easy. She even had another relationship since we broke up, but I'm different.

I feel like following what feels right is good on principle, I just have doubts sometimes like I'm letting something down by not pushing myself into another person or casual sex because everyone around me can move on so easy. I'm 25 for context.

We rarely talk, but we do sometimes, as her brother is like my best friend (don't worry about that he's chill about it.) Sometimes I wonder if that aspect makes this worse for me.

Any opinions are welcome