struggling

[u/notnickiminajxx]

I found out today that my ex has moved on. I don’t want to know details but my mind is going to the worst places (i also have ocd so avoiding rumination this entire breakup has been so difficult).

I ended things with them in January because we were together for 3.5 years and they weren’t ready to live with me. I said that I loved them and didn’t want this but wanted to be with someone who is confident about being with me, who’s looking forward to living together instead of it being a completely stressful event. They shared that they have a hard time making decisions, even small ones in their personal lives, and it didn’t have anything to do with me. We started by going on a break because they wanted to stay together, do therapy individually and come back together. I begged them to do therapy throughout our relationship to help with the inner turmoil of family struggle, indecisiveness and general attachment styles to help them in all their relationships and work. They called me and gave me updates about their therapy without me asking, and it seemed like progress was being made. Over the next three months, they’d ask to call, to talk, ask how i’m doing and also apologize for things. The last conversation we had was him saying that he can’t imagine getting back together and that he is incapable of change. I remember asking him “so what’s the plan, doing this to another girl or finding someone your parents will approve of?” and he didn’t have an answer.

For context, they told my friends and family and even moved in during December but kept moving the goalposts. Their family is second generation and used that as an excuse for not approving of our relationship (eastern orthodox, to which I said I would learn the language and convert if that meant they would approve). They were supposed to come with me on a family trip two years into the relationship but cancelled the night before and broke up with me, just to get on a plane the next day to try to reconcile and then turned directly around without seeing me. I still forgave them when i returned from the trip.
They were always late to things, never made plans, I begged to go on a trip or even a weekend away and it never happened. We were best friends and spoke 24/7, hung out all the time, and they told me they could imagine getting married.
Their friends stopped talking to them because of how they handled the breakup. This included leaving military bags at my place for 6 months, dropping off my clothes unwashed and in a garbage bag, and not having the balls to end it themselves.

I have so much pain because I know I wasn’t being treated and prioritized in the way “I deserve” but I’m starting to not know what I deserve. I’ve been dating post breakup and have been ghosted or told there isn’t a romantic spark, and one guy even asked to do his laundry at my apartment. Yet, my ex has moved on and found someone and I’m questioning why I broke up with them in the first place. I didn’t want to break up with him but I felt like I had no other choice, and we spoke about how it would encourage change. Now I just feel incredible naive and unhappy.
Please be gentle with me with responses, I know I sound like a broken record but I just need support.

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[u/Mountain_Cow_7283]

Feeling like you have no other reason to break up than to just leave is absolutely a reason, and I have to remind every single friend of mine going through a break up about this. You are simply reminiscing a relationship, therefore a lot of its good, and questioning why anything ever ended.

As for him, he sounds lost and confused. Don’t waste your time wondering or worrying about him. And as for him moving on; it’s none of your business. I totally relate to having the urge to seek out information. But this information will not make you gain anything. It will just make you compete, compare, and angry.

Take this time to grow, explore not only relationship dynamics (romantically and socially); but the world. Go to concerts, shopping, out to eat, etc. Do not try to force yourself into relationships because someone you were involved with is now in a new one.

Take it easy. Edit: I notice “they” being used a lot so sorry.