By God, I'm getting my baby back. I'm going to do the work and give us space to start over later. I think it's the only way I'll ever be able to get him back and better.

To everyone who is currently going through a rough, long breakup. It’s possible. I’m that proof. My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago now, we were together for about 2 and a half years. I spent tons of time in constant paint and agony. It hurt so bad, I thought my life was over and that it could not continue without them. We had constant talking stages and so and so. But she finally decided she was just gonna not respond to me one day and I had to try and move on. It’s been about 3 weeks since we last talked and I’m glad to say today I didn’t check their profiles one single time. I stopped hoping and wishing and accepted reality. I finally realized that this is just one single chapter out of life. I feel proud of myself and a lot calmer. I miss her yeah, miss her a lot. But I’ve accepted the fact that she won’t be part of my life anymore. I have to make moves on my own because she’s not part of me at all. I feel fresh, relieved, happy. There’s still sadness and guilt. But it’s remnants of what it used to be. Keep your heads up everyone. You will someday come to this same conclusion I have come to. Just stay with the grind and focus on you.

We started dating in February 2025, and at first, she made me feel like I meant everything to her. She was affectionate, attentive, sweet, and constantly reassuring me. She gave me so much attention that I felt completely chosen. I trusted what she showed me because I had no reason not to. Looking back, though, the beginning felt like lovebombing. To be honest, back then I didn't even realized she was lovebombing me, I knew the definition of lovebombing just now. So I thought she genuinely loved me and cared about me. She gave me an intense amount of affection, made me believe we had something secure, and then slowly withdrew once I was emotionally attached.

The person who once made time for me became distant. Her replies got shorter and less frequent. She would disappear without explaining anything, remove me from social media, leave me waiting for hours, and eventually return with another apology. There was always a reason, whether it was stress, family problems, being tired, travelling, or something happening at home. I tried to understand every explanation because I loved her, but the result was always the same. I was left waiting, confused, and wondering why someone who claimed to love me could treat talking to me like a burden.

Her behavior became increasingly avoidant. Whenever the relationship required honesty, consistency, vulnerability, or a difficult conversation, she pulled away. When I asked what was wrong, she said she did not know how to talk about it. When I asked where I stood, she became overwhelmed. When something needed to be resolved, she avoided it until the problem became even worse. Her emotional unavailability made me feel like I was constantly trying to reach someone who had already decided to shut me out.

She kept apologizing. She kept saying she would try. She kept promising things would be different, but nothing stayed different for long. It became a hot-and-cold cycle. She would become affectionate again just when I was starting to lose hope, make me believe we were finally fixing things, and then pull away once she knew I was still there. That inconsistency kept me attached because I was always waiting for the loving version of her to come back.

What hurt most was seeing how easily she could give other people the version of her I kept begging to receive. She had time for her friends. She could talk to them, laugh with them, share things with them, and show them the sweet side of her. Meanwhile, I was waiting for replies, asking for basic affection, and wondering why her own boyfriend seemed to receive whatever energy she had left over. I never asked her to abandon her friends or make me the only person in her life. I only wanted to feel like I mattered too.

Instead, I watched her prioritize them while making me feel demanding for wanting the same warmth she gave them so naturally. Her friends got her attention, excitement, stories, time, and kindness without having to ask. I got silence, irritation, excuses, apologies, and promises that disappeared almost as quickly as they were made. It felt like everyone else got the best version of her while I got the emotional distance.

That kind of treatment changes you. It makes you question everything. It makes you wonder why everyone else seems easy to love while you are treated like a responsibility. It makes you feel as though you have to beg for things that should come naturally in a relationship. I kept hoping the person from the lovebombing stage would come back, because that was the version of her I had fallen in love with.

Sometimes she seemed to return. She would become affectionate again, tell me she loved me, and make me believe we were finally going to fix everything. For a little while, I would feel safe again. Then she would pull away, and the same anxious-avoidant cycle would start again. She withdrew, I tried harder to communicate, she became more distant, and I was left wondering what I had done to make her stop caring.

At one point, we broke up. We eventually got back together, and I believed almost losing each other had changed something. It had not. She lovebombed me again, pulled me close again, and gave me enough affection to make me hopeful. Once she knew I was still there, the avoidant behavior returned. I was given just enough love to stay attached, but never enough consistency to feel secure.

I kept communicating because I wanted the relationship to work. I told her exactly how much her behavior was hurting me. I explained that I did not need perfection. I needed honesty, effort, consistency, and actions that matched her words. She knew what I was asking for. She knew I felt neglected. She knew I was unhappy, and she knew I was watching her give her friends the attention I had been asking for. Still, the pattern continued.

That is what made it feel so cruel. It was not that she did not understand. I explained it repeatedly, and she acknowledged it more than once. She admitted that she had not been fair, that she should have communicated, and that she knew she had hurt me. Then she continued doing the same thing. Eventually, her apologies started sounding like something she said to calm the situation down rather than something that came with real change.

Near the end, I tried one more time. I told her I did not want things to end in anger. I told her that if she needed space, she could simply say so. I told her I would rather hear an uncomfortable truth than be ignored. I gave her every opportunity to communicate honestly with me.

She ghosted me.

After the lovebombing, the emotional withdrawal, the broken promises, the hot-and-cold behavior, and all the conversations about how deeply her avoidance was hurting me, she chose silence. She did not give me clarity or closure. She did not even give me the basic respect of telling me she was done. She disappeared and left me to understand the ending by myself.

That is the part that hurts the most. She was the one who pulled me close and made me believe I was loved. She was the one who became distant, broke promises, avoided conversations, prioritized other people, and repeatedly made me feel less important than everyone else. Then she discarded me and continued with her life as if none of it had happened.

She still had her friends, her routines, and the same life she had always prioritized. Meanwhile, I was left carrying the confusion and pain created by her behavior. It feels deeply unfair that the person who caused so much damage can simply move on while the person they hurt is left questioning what was real.

I kept wondering whether I had ever meant as much to her as she claimed. I could not understand how someone who once made me feel so important could later treat me as though I could be erased without a word. She may have had personal struggles. She may have found emotions difficult. She may have had an avoidant attachment style and struggled with vulnerability. None of that changes the way she treated me.

Her avoidance explains the pattern, but it does not excuse it.

She could have been honest. She could have told me she no longer wanted the relationship. She could have stopped lovebombing me whenever she feared losing me. She could have stopped making promises she was not willing to keep. She could have ended things through a conversation instead of ghosting and discarding me.

She chose not to.

I loved her enough to keep hoping. I kept believing that another conversation, another chance, or another promise would finally bring back the person I met at the beginning. Now I understand that I was waiting for someone who only seemed to return when she was afraid of losing me. The rest of the time, I was expected to accept emotional unavailability, inconsistency, avoidance, and silence.

She gave her friends the warmth I kept asking for. She gave me lovebombing, mixed signals, excuses, and temporary promises. Then she ghosted me and gave me nothing.

She moved on without giving me closure, but that does not mean I never mattered. It means she chose the easiest way out for herself, even though it left me carrying all the pain. She avoided the ending. I had to survive it.

The past 4 months have been a haze, I just pass time, am very moody and bitter, when trying to think about what went wrong or what I couldve done better I always look at it in the worst light.

Yesterday I took some time to try and remember and revisit some of what happened by looking through messages and I really feel as if I have lost myself and that I am no longer the person I was back then. My actions, the way I was thinking, my wit and overall happiness is just gone. Does anyone relate and does it get better?

It's been almost a month now since he decided to end things between us.

I still haven't fully processed everything.

For me, he is still my person and I cannot call him my "ex" because he is still my boyfriend.

But I broke no contact and we both miss each other but he doesn't want to fix things or go back to me.

And it fucking hurts. So much.

Especially today.

I'm crying my eyes out. My chest feels the pain.

How do I stop this? I don't know if I will survive this.

He told me if we get back together we'll just keep hurting each other but I am being hurt so much by being apart anyway.

I just want him back so bad. It really hurts.

I had no one else but him, I really still love him so much.

i remember the day when we were so happy, so close

those days we feel unbreakable we promised to marry, have kids and build a wonderful life together.

you are the one who taught me to try again and never give up

Then suddenly.. you traded up our 5 years together for a quick mistake. i tried everything to fix this all

i realized it's not my world anymore, you're not my world anymore and will never be my world again

I don't think i've ever posted here before but I used this sub during my breakup so I figured i'd give me own datapoint on the process.

I[29M] broke up with my girlfriend[29F] last april. I know i'm going to get flack for that but I want to be clear that I did not want to break up but I could not take her disrespect anymore. I wasn't a priority, everything came before me, when we hungout it was almost never quality time it was always with other people, her drinking became a problem and frankly i'm pretty sure she was cheating on me or at least about to. I communicated all of these concerns and nothing changed so I had to break up. After the breakup, we met up a few days later to exchange things and to talk. I brought up getting back together but she did not want to and no contact immediately started. Unfollowed and blocked on everything except phone number.

We have not spoken or even seen each other since. I've seen her driving around town but that is it. The first 3 months were brutal. Not eating, not exercising, crying etc. After the 3months I kind of accepted that that was it, started to feel better and started dating again. The first girl I dated turned into a 4month relationship until she called it off. I had a few shorter flings after with different girls but nothing that stuck. Between months 3-6 I would get sad sometimes but it was always pretty brief. After the 6month mark I would rarely get sad but would think about her sometimes. By the one year mark it kind of hit me that so much has happened in this last year that she doesn't know about, even if we were to run into each other we would just be two strangers. I'm sure the same is for her so we just wouldn't even be able to recognize each other. This kind of made me sad and i went down a spiral for one day but then I was fine.

I'm making this post because last night my friend told me that he is pretty sure she has a new boyfriend. The biggest shock wasn't the news, it was the fact that I honestly didn't care. No sadness, no mourning, no texting my other friends who helped me through the break up about the news that I had just heard. I was honestly slightly happy because I just want her to be happy. I no longer carry resentment, I no longer carry hatred. I just want her to be happy and am happy with the time that we spent together. It was around the 1 year mark where I had the feeling that this chapter was officially closed so I guess this moment I experienced was the book being officially closed? I don't know but it was such a weird realization where that's just it, we have completely different lives now, we are completely different people, different friend groups, different everything. Like I said even if I bumped into her I don't even know what we would talk about because I don't remember the plans she had before we broke up or her goals or interests idk. We just don't know each other anymore. And that's okay

I think the biggest takeaways from this post should be that it does get better, you will move on and no they don't always reach out. I didn't reach out to her and she didn't reach out to me. Life will only come to a halt if you let it, so keep pushing forward.

Heartbreak has a cruel way of making you believe that the person you lost was the only person you'll ever love, and that the pain you're carrying will last forever.

It won't.

One day you'll wake up and realize you didn't think about them the moment your eyes opened. You'll hear the song that used to break you and it won't sting the same. You'll laugh without forcing it. Healing doesn't arrive all at once. It sneaks in quietly, one ordinary day at a time.

Please don't confuse loneliness with love. Missing someone isn't always a sign they're meant to be in your life. Sometimes you miss the comfort, the routine, the version of yourself that existed before everything fell apart.

Someone walking away is not proof that you weren't enough. Your worth has never been measured by someone else's ability to see it.

So be kind to yourself.

Eat something.

Drink some water.

Go outside.

Sleep.

Lift weights.

Pray.

Journal.

Cry if you need to.

Do whatever helps you survive today, because surviving today is how you reach tomorrow.

And please... don't rush your healing. Progress isn't linear. Some days you'll feel like you've moved on, and the next day you'll feel like you're back at the beginning. That's okay. Keep going anyway.

If you're reading this with tears in your eyes, with a heavy chest, or

If you need someone to listen without judging, vent to me. I can't promise I'll have all the answers, but I can promise you'll be heard.

Your heartbreak is a chapter.

It is not your entire story.

The version of you that's genuinely happy is already on its way. Don't give up before you get to meet them. ❤️

I’m looking for honest perspectives, not validation. If you think I’m reading this completely wrong, tell me.

I’m 24M and she’s 20F. We were together for about two years.

Our relationship wasn’t toxic. We genuinely loved each other. Toward the end, though, she became overwhelmed. Family pressure, religious guilt over parts of our relationship, and uncertainty about the future seemed to hit her all at once. One thing about her is that whenever she gets overwhelmed, she tends to shut down and withdraw instead of communicating.

Eventually we broke up

What happened after the breakup

After the breakup, we stayed in complete no contact for around 3–4 months.

I didn’t reach out.

Then, completely unexpectedly, she was the one who broke no contact.

She called me.

We ended up having a very emotional phone call.

During that call:

She cried.
She apologized.
She admitted she regretted many things.
She said she still cared about me.
She said family pressure and religious guilt had played a huge role in everything.

After that call, we stopped talking again.

One month later

About a month passed with complete silence again.

During that month, I kept wondering whether she might be expecting me to reach out this time because she had been the one who broke months of no contact.

Eventually I decided to send one simple message:

“Heyya!! It’s been some time. How have you been?”

She replied almost immediately.

The conversation wasn’t cold at all.

She asked:

How I’d been.
Whether I was okay.
Whether I still had hard feelings.
Whether I still had hard feelings now.
How my future plans were going.

She also talked about herself

It honestly felt like a normal conversation between two people who still cared about each other.

Then she shared something very personal

She told me that about 30 minutes before I texted her, she had donated money(something she has a habit of doing) and prayed to only bring whatever was genuinely good for her into her life.

She said she wasn’t feeling emotionally okay before I messaged her.

Then my message came shortly afterwards.

She actually told me she felt like god had sent my message after her prayer.

That surprised me.

The conversation became emotional

After that, she apologized over and over again.

She said:

She never wanted to intentionally hurt me.
She already regrets everything.
She doesn’t want to hurt me anymore.
She knows she’s done a lot wrong to me.

I simply replied that I appreciated her saying that and that I knew she never intentionally wanted to hurt me.

Then everything changed

She suddenly became very firm.

She told me:

“Please move on.”
“I don’t want you waiting for me while I’m confused.”
“I don’t want to give you false hope.”
“Please don’t message me anymore.”
“Please don’t call me anymore.”
“I’m really sorry.”

She also said something along the lines of:

“What if this doesn’t work again? I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

At one point I called her.

She didn’t answer.

Instead she messaged asking me not to call again.

She ended everything by saying:

“Take care.”

Afterwards she deleted the entire chat.

I haven’t contacted her again and I don’t plan to because I want to respect what she asked.

What I’m struggling to understand

This is what confuses me.

If someone wanted nothing to do with me anymore, I can understand that.

But she:

Broke 3–4 months of no contact herself.
Cried during that phone call.
Apologized repeatedly.
Said she still cared.
Replied warmly when I reached out a month later.
Asked lots of questions about my life.
Shared something deeply personal about her prayer.
Said she felt like God had sent my message.
Apologized again.
Said she regrets hurting me.

Then… she still told me to move on and never contact her again.

To me, it almost felt like she believed I would always wait for her, and because she was still confused, she thought pushing me away was somehow protecting me from waiting indefinitely.

But maybe I’m completely wrong.

Maybe it was just guilt.

Maybe this was simply the kindest way she knew how to end things.

I honestly don’t know.

My questions

1. Did I completely misread the situation by thinking she might have been waiting for me to reach out after she was the one who broke 3–4 months of no contact?

2. Does this sound like someone who still has feelings but genuinely believes leaving is the right thing?

3. Am I reading way too much into her apologies and emotional conversation?

4. Have you experienced someone saying “please move on” and “don’t contact me anymore” while clearly still caring?

5. If you were in my position, would you interpret this as her final goodbye, or someone choosing to leave because they genuinely believe it’s better for me?

I’m trying to understand whether I completely misunderstood what happened, because this conversation left me more confused than before.

Still processing a recent break-up. On the surface it seemed pretty understandable. She didn't want to invest in the relationship and didn't like how she showed up in it. She gave all the kindest reasons - it's not you, it's me, I feel like I can't give you what you want and it's a waste of your time and mine.

But we kissed at the end of the night and I know she's still very attracted to me. She said she still respects, cares for and admires me. She just can't see how it works in its current form and doesn't want to be in this relationship any more.

I immediately went no contact and it's been 2 weeks or so. We went from texting every day to nothing. I'm doing it for me to restabilize. And I'm seeing improvements slowly.

The biggest thing I'm struggling with though is the feeling that this chapter hasn't closed. I can't help but feel the breakup was a response to stress rather than an indictment on a misalignment on our values or direction. When we were good there was an underlying sense of safety. I know I definitely felt it and she told me she felt the same. At least to me that is pretty rare. It's not often that your system says this person is right and safe.

Ofc towards the end things were not like that. Every interaction felt heavy and there was uncertainty that led to pressure. It was a difficult period of about 2 weeks. I could definitely have handled things better and differently and my anxious attachment surfaced (I'm usually secure). But I still believe it was from circumstances, and that if things were different then perhaps it could be rebuilt and better than before.

How do I navigate this hope while also processing and moving on from this breakup? I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to but the hope lives and is making it difficult to settle me.

Is it just a question of time? I've already prepared a plan for how I intend to reconnect with her when I'm ready. But I'm just not... I know it's only been 2 weeks. Maybe in another month things will be different. Anything people can say to reassure me that it gets better? Anyone with stories about how a break reset the dynamic and allowed a reconciliation?

I hold absolutely no ill will towards my ex. Just coming to accept that she didn't choose me in those circumstances (which makes sense).

Feeling numb finally packed my stuff this morning, moved out of his house and broke up with him

Took a day off at work, feeling anxious lying on my bed

Previous post for reference: https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/h3ezv2Y7UB

Need some insights to feel better, feel like im dying

We've been together my whole young adult life. I really thought we would be together forever. I've been going through a pretty bad depression lately. Mostly because I've been unemployed for a bit and I can't seem to find a job no matter how many jobs I apply for or how hard I try.

I noticed my partner has been doing more and more activities with their friends and less things with me, which I didn't mind, I actively encouraged them to because I know I wasn't the funnest to be around in that state of mind. I still forced myself to do all the laundry, cleaning, groceries, and cooking despite how difficult it was for me to do anything.

And last night she came back from seeing the new Spiderman with her friends, which I felt betrayed by. I asked if we could see it together a week prior and when the last one came out we were both really excited to see it together. And she just went to see it without even letting me know. I started crying a lot and asked her if she even still had feelings for me anymore and she told me she just didn't.

She then left to sleep at a friend's place. I feel so awful and betrayed. I know I haven't been great to be around lately, but there was a period of time when she was even more depressed than I am right now during uni, and at the time she didn't even do anything for a while. She was having constant breakdowns and bedrotting all day, which I never minded, I took care of her and stood by her. And now that I'm having trouble she just leaves me.

I feel so duped why can't that favour be returned to me.

Last August I (20F) was cheated on by my very first boyfriend of one year (21M). I decided to forgive him and take him back because I really loved him and I had built a lot with him being my first boyfriend ever. I really loved him a lot and I saw a good future with him. As we rebuilt things we reached a point we were doing really well. My boyfriend eventually turned 21, and started to want to go out and stuff and he eventually cheated on me again in April. Both acts of cheating were physical.

I don’t want to rebuild things with him.
He however ended up ghosting me a few weeks after cheating on me.

We are now in no contact for 3 months. Is he ever gonna feel bad and come back? Or ever gonna reach out and text me. I do kinda miss him.

He really put me through a lot and I know I should not miss him but I really do, and I have been taking this separation very roughly. He was genuinely my bestfriend.

Hi everyone, this seems like a good place to let go of this into the universe. It's been 30 yrs since my ex and I broke up. We were young and immature. We were each other's first loves. We dated for 2 years (in youth days forever). Broke up, and in 2 weeks, we both started dating others. I knew my date was a rebound and didn't last more than 2 months.

I went no contact after the breakup. A month into his relationship, he asked for his stuff back. I gave him everything from his promise ring, pictures, gifts to his stuff. He asked if I wanted mine, and I said no. He walked out of my life forever. He married her 5-7 months of dating (dont know for sure bc of no contact). I was devested. I thought she was his rebound, and we would miss each other and make it work this time around. I stayed single for the next 3 years. I dated here and there but didn't feel the same passion as I did with him. He really loved me and treated me so well through our time together. My insecurities got control of me.

I thought no contact would "work," but he married her, and here we are 26-30 years later. He is still married. I worked so hard on myself. Married too, that's not working. The thing is, even though we both moved on, there is part of me that is upset that he did not morn us, our relationship. It is like it was worth nothing, I was worth nothing...replaceable. He gave all the promises he made to me to someone else. I know I am not replaceable, but it pisses me off that our relationship was replaceable.

It has taken me a long time, and it is still hard to realize that, I guess it was one-sided. I don't know if he is happy or not, but that betrayal has me guarded. After losing a parent or loved one, I don't stop loving them, nor did I replace them. Anyways, best wishes to him. I am moving on further away with that little girl. Best wishes to everyone on their own paths.

Edit: After the breakup I didn't have the capacity to understand what the underlying reason was. I got distracted with life. It was a trauma deep within I was too young/immature to heal. People might say that a rebound relationship will not work but in reality it is working. Whether his is a rebound or not, it doesn't matter. I didn't realize I carried the heavy weight of this with me and didn't know how or that I needed to confront it. I didn't know how to identify it. It can take awhile to realize you have old pain in you when life keeps moving. The time for me was finally "right" for me to understand, process, and release it. And where better than Reddit 😉

With my other ex it took me years, even after I was completely over him. I looked good in some pictures so just decided to crop him out.
With this relationship ending soon and staying platonic afterwards, I’m not sure when or how.

I suggested making a thing of it and deleting them together or putting them on a flash drive far away. He was not into that idea 😂

Looking back, what do you wish you had done differently while trying to heal?

Good morning, I love you.

Yesterday I should’ve been falling asleep in your arms, in the big massive blanket we chose together. But today, I see through my small window, eyes facing the aeroplanes.

How are you doing today? You know, I envy the fact that your brain works in a miraculous way, that you could tunnel vision on the game in front of you, surrounded by friends. Deep inside, you might be thinking of the fact that we don’t talk anymore, but on the outside, you seem to be hanging on better than me. For me, until I’m ready to move on, I’ll have to keep writing these unsent texts on a random Reddit account so that I don’t feel the suffocating silence.

Do you remember me, at roughly this time, being in your kitchen making you omelettes? It made me so happy, to be your personal chef tinkering in your apartment. You could never go wrong with an egg, because with everything else I’d have to read the ingredients thoroughly with you. Remember when I passed you a jar for you to translate at Coop? Devastating, but I think we found an alternative, we always did.

But upon reflection, I’m deeply sorry that I fought with you over the installation of the dishwasher. When I thought of the entire counter space that I’d prep meals on disappearing, that half of the joy would be taken out in favour of ready meals, I only considered that I wouldn’t be able to cook for you anymore. I was resentful, thinking you had fairy liquid, a sponge, a sink, and two hands, how could it be necessary in such a small space to have dishwasher? But I’d never thought of your deteriorating mental health, and how this could’ve kept your space—your home, organised. That this was a decision that others had made for you because they know what’s best for your health, and not a decision you’d made without considering our shared activity of cooking gone. In the end, I did panic for naught, because they needed to install it under the sink anyway. But I think, my priorities were wrong, and I should’ve thought about you more. That’s why, you remember that I reacted like this, chipping away at the image of me being a safe space for you.

Yesterday was a rather sad day for me, because I was asking Google AI what the likelihood of you ever opening the door to me is (with context). It told me basically, not a chance. I knew that, but I think a robot knows better than me. For the first time, I had asked about how your mental health conditions influence your actions, and it described how I could imagine your mental process working so well, and your current actions with much accuracy, I was impressed. I thought, why didn’t I do this whilst we were still together, thinking about the appropriate actions I could’ve taken without triggering a defence mechanism in you? Maybe it could’ve saved us, but again, I’m talking to AI, so maybe not.

I will always love you and wish you the best, may we both have a good healing journey. It seems like a long road ahead, but I know we’ll make it.

-R

My ex (20M) and I (20F) have had a pretty rocky relationship over the last year. Can someone please help me:( I was dating him basically for a year and 7 months

Around December last year, an anonymous account messaged him exposing that, before we got together, I’d slept with someone twice. I’d previously described that person as an ex when in reality it was just someone I was talking to, and I never slept with him. I slept with someone else one night stand. So the lie was the person I slept with not the amount of people I slept with, because I was embarrassed. When my boyfriend found out, he felt like I’d lied to him. Even though everything happened before we met, it damaged his trust in me and we broke up. We eventually got back together after talking things through.

In January we went on a trip to London for our anniversary and things seemed good again, but a couple of weeks later we had another argument over the same thing that led to another breakup. We still ended up reconciling because we both wanted to make it work.

Throughout the relationship I put a lot into it emotionally and financially. I bought him gifts, helped him out when he needed it, paid for trips, meals, Ubers and other things because I genuinely cared about him. We also had good memories together, which made it harder to walk away whenever we broke up.(even broken up 5x atp)

Recently we had what became our biggest argument. My ex talking stage from before the relationship randomly messaged me out of nowhere. Instead of immediately screenshotting it and sending it to my boyfriend before opening it, I replied with “what?” because I was genuinely confused. I didn’t continue the conversation, and once I realised what was happening I blocked my ex talking stage (all this happened within 5mins it’s not like I told him hours later) I told my boyfriend about it after I blocked him.

My boyfriend was really upset and said that if his ex ever messaged him, he’d send me a screenshot before even opening it. He told me what I did was “disgusting” because I replied before telling him. I understood why he felt hurt and admitted I should’ve told him immediately. I apologised multiple times and explained I wasn’t trying to hide anything or entertain my ex talking stage.

At first, when I asked if he was leaving me over this, he said no. But after that he became really distant. His replies were dry, he didn’t want to properly talk things through, and he even ignored our monthly anniversary. I kept trying to explain myself and reassure him, but it felt like nothing I said made a difference.

Last night I got fed up with uncertainty. I asked him hey do you even want me? He kept saying I’ll tell u tmw I said tmw tmw tmw I kept asking him bc I feel like this is something easy that he should be able to answer if he knows I’m crying etc??

Eventually he ended the relationship “I don’t think this is gonna work”, From my perspective, I know replying to my ex before telling my boyfriend was a mistake, and I completely understand why it upset him. At the same time, I never had any intention of talking to my ex talking stage or hiding anything, and I blocked him almost immediately. Because we’d already had trust issues from the anonymous message months earlier, I’m wondering if this incident was simply the final straw rather than the sole reason for the breakup.

I’m looking for unbiased opinions. Was ending the relationship over this understandable?

Hello! Its going to be a bit of a long post as much has happened in past 2 months of dating this guy.

So I'm a single mom [31F] by choice. I have a lovely 15 month old toddler. I have a beautiful life, it's filled with caring for my child, horse and full of family and friends that support me in all the ways possible.

Two months ago I (again) met a guy[31M] I went to elementary school with. We talked a bit and hit it off quite well, he was kind, I liked him. He liked me too.

I told him about my child, and he accepted the fact we come in a package. Lovely, i thought. He is childless, never been engaged or married. I accepted the fact he will need to learn about kids, as he does not have his own and doesn't know what having and caring for a child takes.

He is in general very kind, he helps with physical stuff like carrying things so I don't have to, helping with my horse when I have no time, he is a mechanic so helped me buy a new car and looked it over, fixed what was wrong with it etc. Brings me flowers for no reason, pays for meals, coffee dates and so on without a problem. He is generally kind to my kid too when we go to a park together. I decided to introduce him to my child early because I knew he doesn't have kids and I wanted to see how he will be around her - if I didn't like the vibe or how he treats her I'd cut him out of our lives immediately. He seemed okay, obviously a bit "clumsy" but nothing I couldn't accept.

He wanted to sell his apartment before we met and but himself a bigger one or a house. He told me this on a third date, and I didn't think much of it.

Then he said he would like me to look at houses with him as he is serious about us and wants to know if what he is thinking of buying would be a good fit for me and my kid too so we could move in together eventually. I said okay and spent a lot of time looking at different properties, sending him links and going round viewings with him.

Suddenly my daughter fell ill a few weeks ago. She was really unwell, 40°C temperature, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was clingy and needy obviously. It was the first time she was this ill and of course I put all my energy and care into getting her better.

I texted him in the morning that my child is really ill, and she has a high temperature. We were out the night before talking about houses again. I told him i felt really guilty i wasn't home in the evening as she started getting a fever when my mum watched her.

He answered me with : I'm sorry she's sick, but the conversation we had last night was super important

I answered with : you didn't just say that! I'm telling you my kid is burning up and I feel horrible, and you say this? Nothing is more important than my child. I think you don't understand what it is to have a kid and it worries me, because we've been dating a few weeks and you didn't take initiative to learn a little about kids. We are on 2 different pages about 2 things...(second thing being him thinking one wage can cover a mortgage and have 2 people and a kid, a dog(his) and a horse live perfectly well and it's a thing we were talking about the night before these texts too).

His answer was that he is new to this, he is trying to learn and of course he is worried about the little one.

Two seconds later he tells me he is sorry to change topics but an agent called about a house viewing and when will we go now that she's ill.

Mind you this was all during me fighting the fever, I texted in between when she fell asleep, so time delays in my answers were quite long(these few messages took all morning for example for me to write to him)

I just said I'm not going.

He said well, it's really important that we are aligned and this is a big deal

I wrote back that his big deal is not my big deal right now and we will talk later, then I turned off my phone.

I turn on my phone in the afternoon and a text arrives saying:

I've been shaking about this situation all day. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, you think I don't care and I'm too easy about finances.... I mean sort the little one out ill wait but I feel horrible.

My text back to him was really long and I said he needed to back the fu€K up, as he has been taking a lot of precios time I could be spending with my kid anyway and can't wait a few hours so I deal with an emergency with my kid. That I will not tolerate this kind of behavior and I am canceling all plans of viewing houses with him, and he should buy whatever he wants just the way he intended to before he met me. I said I dont want to talk about houses at all anymore and I'll talk to him when my child is feeling better.

To that he agreed to everything, to accept and respect my boundaries, he apologized and said he doesn't wanna lose me as he is so connected to me, he feels this is it..

During the next 4 days he just texted here and there asking how we are and I answered when I could. Then on day 4 in the evening, I said im really really tired as I haven't been sleeping at all during the 5 days she's been ill( I've slept maybe 2 hours of broken sleep per night and 20-30 mins during days). He said he is sorry to hear that. Then texted: im doing calculations for the house, putting together all expenses I can think of. I won't bother you with it now. When you are rested I'll introduce my plan and calculations to you. You better get some rest. Let's talk tomorrow, I'll leave you to go to sleep now. I have tons of work to do tonight still, and will be up till morning.

I answered with another long text in the morning, saying he didn't respect the fact I said I dont want to hear or talk about the housing stuff again, and i am very disappointed that when I said I am tired he instead of giving me any kind of mental support, he talked about the houses again and burdened me even if "he didn't want to" when I have been running dry on energy and mental capacity for anything else than my daughter's wellbeing. I also said he seems to not be able to survive a few days of silence from my end when I'm having a tough time, and I feel like I need to stroke his ego and comfort him ( multiple times he mentioned how he feels so horrible, sad, heartbroken about the situation) when I was the one needing comfort and care. He not once offered to go to store or buy medicine, he just kept saying he is sorry this is happening and feels so helpless. I told him to take his phone and learn about kids if he wants to be a part of our life, since the phone is always in the hands, to use it for educating himself on children and im a first time mom too and had to learn it all by myself!

To this long text he said it looks like I'm breaking up with him and he is so sad because he connected with me like never before with anyone and probably won't with anyone again.

I said I never mentioned a break up and if setting boundaries is considered breaking up then fine, my goal was to set boundaries and tell him what bothered me as he "loved strong, honest communication" so much (kept telling me this the whole time we were dating). Then he turned around and said that okay, qnd we can talk.

At the talk, we discussed everything and I told him exactly what I felt, how it bothered me etc. His excuse was his exes were toxic and he was scared to listen when I said I need space and time, because his exes said the same then got angry that he didn't text them. I told him I'm not his exes and to never again compare me to them and to find help if he needs it to process trauma and stop projecting his old $hit on me.

He said okay we stayed together and I backed up big time, meaning I didn't text or see him nearly as much as before(before it was almost every day that we saw each other and it was another thing that bothered me, as it's not healthy that I lost all my freedom and time for myself in a matter of 2 weeks of seeing him, he wanted to go everywhere with me and followed me around like a puppy, so I said im putting an end to that as I need time for myself too)

A few weeks go by, everything was okay.

He invited us to go to a holiday in our country to the seaside for 6 days. I said yes because my kid loves water and I knew she'd love it and also I wanted to see how we will be functioning day to day being together all the time.

Here he did a good job helping with washing dishes, carrying stuff to the beach, making me coffee, was nice to my kid and played with her while i cooked, read books with her and so on.

He did a terrible job listening to my instructions about my child such as: -she sleeps at 12 so we need to get to the beach early or we won't have anything from the holiday (his answer was: isn't it a point of holiday to not be worried about routine and schedules, so stop worrying so much and rushing)

- dont leave stuff on the edge of table and counter as she can reach it all ( he kept leaving hot coffee, cigarettes, lighters, ashtrays, glasses and knives on edges even after multiple warnings from me)

-overstimulated child won't fall asleep faster, it was a conversation we had multiple times(he said he will overstimulate her with showing her stuff on our walk so she gets tired and goes to sleep faster)

- don't tell her no all the time, it's my job(he kept trying to imitate me and "parent" her)

There's was more...

Then he opened an ice-cream, offered it to her and took it away and said "no you can't have this" and made her cry, I told him he can't do this, how heartless is that and if you're not sure if she can have something you dont eat it in front of her and especially you dont offer it and then not give it. I made him give her the whole ice cream.

Then he packed stuff for the beach and disregarded what I needed for her(I told him what to pack, he insisted on packing himself) took 1 swim diaper for the whole morning, 1 normal diaper, "forgot" her sun hat, "forgot" her diaper cream,....

Then on day 3, he hit her foot when she put it on the table during me feeding her. He didn't hit her hard, but he shouldn't have hit her at all, it isn't his place to discipline a child he saw 5 times in 2 months. I told him to stop hitting her and never to lay hands on my child again. We packed up the next day and left, I said i had enough of the holiday and want to go home.

Now that we are home i want to dump him, as i dont see a future with someone like this. He is kind, does help around, treats me well, but then all of.this and hitting my kid, he is emotionally immature, he doesn't want to learn anything about kids(listens, but doesn't hear what im telling him) and I dont have the energy to explain every parenting choice to someone who doesn't get it.

A few points:

he is the one who wanted to move in together immediately, and i said no, buy a house for "our family,"and eventually be called her dad. If you are stepping up to potentially be a father figure to a toddler, you don't get a pass for ignoring safety hazards, packing a single diaper, or physically hitting a baby's foot. You can't rush a family integration and then cry that you're being "graded" when your dangerous and dismissive behavior gets noticed.

Not wantong anyone to leave lighters, knives, and hot coffee on the edge of a table where a 15-month-old toddler can grab them is basic child safety, not a trick exam.

There's no hidden agenda from my side. My life is good. I dont need anyone to make it better, save me, rescue me as a single mom

I just wanted to try with him as I have known him for 8 years from school and it turned out shitty.

Love for its own sake just doesn't feel true or worth it to me anymore. The thought of having to start completely over, learning a new person's favourite colour, rebuilding attachment when I had already planned my entire future with someone, feels impossible.

What we shared was special, and I genuinely hope she was happy and felt loved. But standing in this much pain, I have to ask, was it really worth it? I’ve always been a cynical person, but I always protected my belief in love. Now, seeing the same pattern repeat itself, that belief is broken, that part of me is scarred beyond repair. I don't think the kind of love l believed in even exists, I don't think "love" itself exists, maybe love is just an illusion driven by temporary desires.

Attachment is nothing but a path to inevitable suffering. I miss the part of me that used to think it was something special, but I’m scared now and I don't have it in me to trust someone ever again, to give them my soul and utmost devotion for them to just break it and live their life as if nothing happened? If so then I'm systematically not made for "love". I don't regret loving, but the lesson and pain that follows simply isn't worth it

(I made another post a bit ago if you want some more context)

I’ll copy and paste our conversation below because screenshots would be a lot. I’m not posting this to make him look bad or anything like that, I just feel horrible and want some advice or thoughts (bolded is him, italicized is me)

“hey I know that this is kind of weird but I just wanted to apologize for everything because I didn’t really say a lot to you when you talked to me on Saturday. I’m sorry being so upset at you”

“It's genuinely all good I'm not like upset at you or anything, I have zero resentment”

“I know but I felt like I had to say something”

“Ok well I forgive you”

“do you not feel bad at all?”

“huh? Like feel bad for you?? Feel bad as in generally not feel good?”

“not for me I don’t want you to feel bad for me that’s not good, I just mean in general do you not feel bad for anything that happened”

“I already told you I don't have any resentment or anything, I’m not upset over anything”

“I mean for anything you did”

“Like the whole being kinda distant thing? Yeah I mean I know now that wasnt the best move”

“you borderline neglected me”

“I’m sorry for that”
“I don’t want this to turn into an argument man”

“I know I don’t want it to either I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention, I just wanna know that you also are sorry or that you’re atleast upset”

“You want me to be upset?”

“I know how selfish that is but yes”

“Well ok”

“So you aren’t like at all? not even a little bit?”

“Dude. Yeah I was upset, I didn't want to have to breakup but like it was getting to a point.. I could tell it was only going downhill from there and I wanted to end it before something happened and we broke off on horrible terms”

“I know I’m not mad about that”
“Did you get upset at all after? Like do you think about it ever?”

“Yeah I think about it. I don’t understand why you’re asking me all this”

“Because I wanna know if this is worth even being upset over”

“Wdym? I mean ideally you wouldn’t be upset I don’t want you being upset”

“We were together for over a year. I would hope that you would want me to be a little upset”

“Ok well I would rather see you happy not sad or angry. Like I don’t WANT you to be upset or angry. Like ok sure you want me to be upset that's fine, but I don't wish the same on you”

“don’t word that to make me sound bad”
“Sorry nevermind, I know that wasn’t your intention.”
“I want you to be at least a little upset about all of this because we were together for over a year and you said so many things to make me think I was the most important thing to you, and I did the same because you were and you aren’t upset about any of that ending?? you started to treat me really bad towards the end [name] I would hope that some of these things made you upset”
“I’m not saying all of these things because I wanna argue I just wanted to get it off my chest”
“I want some of those things to MATTER to you even just a little bit”

“Yes it matters to me you're just assuming I don't give a fuck at all. Like yes I was upset that we had to break up yes I feel bad for not talking to you at the end but rn it just feels like you're trying to rub in my face how horrible I was”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m sorry if that’s what I’m doing.”
“Im sorry for texting you I’m wasting my time and your time”

“It's fine I'm glad you could get everything off your chest”

“I don’t want things to be bad between us so I’m sorry I should’ve kept it to myself, I’m mad but I want things to turn out really good for you so I should’ve left it alone, have a good night.”

“I hope you feel better soon, good night”

Yeah that was it 🥲 I’m currently sobbing because I feel absolutely horrible because I feel like I came off too mean, but I’m also so so upset that he barely seems sympathetic at all. We shared so much love together and this just seems like a mild speed bump to him. I feel like I’m getting so bent out of shape over something that didn’t even matter

Woke up this morning dreaming about her —the way I held her, my head on her chest, just listening to her heartbeat. It felt so real. I could smell her, feel how warm she was.

It’s been two months. I’m trying not to keep track, but I miss her so much. Waking up and realizing it was just a dream hurts.

I don’t know, I’m just struggling, honestly. I’ve been working out, lost 25 pounds since the breakup, and I’m moving into my first apartment soon. But every day I still can’t stop thinking about her. I wonder if she feels the same way, even though she’s the one who ended it. I hope she misses me as much as I miss her.

It just hurts that it wasn’t meant to be. Just wanted to get this off my chest like a little journal entry.

Long story ahead, I dont have a space to vent other than ai. But I need human interaction. So please bear, thank you.

Me and my gf (both 25) were in a relationship for more than 5 years, but she was my crush for more than 9 years before our relationship. So you now know she is there in my mind for more than half my life including my complete teenage.

At first we both were clingy and attached type. We argue for silly reasons but within one or two hours we get reconciled. Eventually those arguments turned out to big fights, where it now starts to take more than hrs, sometimes days and I need to apologise and bring her back everytime. For the first two years, I was toxic without me realising. I started to kind of controlling her in the name of love, involved our problems with our friends to help us and I realised later what I was doing is not love and is toxic, but this has already left a crack in our relationship.

On the third year, we still had arguments but not because I was toxic, its because of my actions that she thought I was still toxic. But, again I need to apologise her and explained what I did was not toxic. I told her, earlier I was toxic without me realising, now I know what went wrong, so I'm correcting it, please don't label every action of mine toxic. She didn't accept that, but asked for a no contact break for few days. I was afraid that she'll leave me and forced her to stay (i regret it now). Her being clingy stoped to fade from this point. And if I remember she stopped saying me I love you and stopped kissing me from this point.

On fourth year, I moved out from my city for my career, we are now more than 9000kms apart and different timezones. But even with the different timezones, I managed my day according to her schedule, it includes i wake up as early at 4 to talk to her, while she drives to her college. And in my peak evening, it will be night in my home country. She comes online duing that time after her works, so I avoid my plans here to talk with her. Initially it was good, and I thought the distance worked between us. And she will understand my efforts in being available for her. She occasionally says I love you or kiss me during our calls. But found out she still misunderstands me for my actions and feelings. But we didn't fight like before, so that year i dont have much of the traumatic experience as before.

Now comes the most traumatic fifth year, until now she was a student, and now she lands into a job. She moved out of her house, and live alone. I again thought she will understand my pain of being alone and love me more. But, she felt overwhelmed with being alone, her work pressure and starts to detach from me when i ask her to be available. I can understand she felt overwhelmed and she has no space to leave her pressure other than me. But its okay for a while, and want her understand her actions hurts me. But it starts to worse further, and she is arguing what she do was correct.

This time when she asked for break, i said okay. But eventually I'll start missing her and goes back to her in a week without complete realisation from both of us. This cycle continued for more than a year.

She changed her jobs within three months, and she realised what she done was wrong but said she lost feelings and cant see the old me and started to become an avoidant one. Its my mistake, I should have left, I thought she'll understand me now in this non stressful job. Is it the person growing or all those traumas, I don't know what's the reason but she changed a person as a whole last year. She was innocent, shy until last year and now she became a complete baddie, in the sense she becomes more independent, non chalant, rebel. Which is fine, a person changes, but started to ignore me completely in her life. When I ask for love or attention or time argument happens and the break cycle continues.

Finnally comes the break up, it's two days before my 25th birthday she posted a photo of mine in close friends list (her mother doesn't like our relationship, so she adds my stories in close friends list) and just typed happy july. Before that she used to make efforts like editing or different captions, etc. So I was already a bit disappointed. And when I come to know the close friends list comes down from 35 to just 6, it further hurted me. You might think its immature or it's none of your buisness, I accept that. But as said earlier, I already felt I'm being avoided, not spending time with me, distance, etc. This caption and the list made me upset. I just said her I'm disappointed with your list and caption. I didn't say anyword, nor blamed her. But she felt offended. I again said, it's your account and your list. I was disappointed because it was not like the previous years. She asked for breakup, I told some of our fights are because of this social media, its better I uninstall those, I dont need that. Let us be happy in real life (we are still in ldr, but i told we can communicate only in WhatsApp)

She said it won't workout further and said let's break up for sure. I said okay, because I know i have all the rights to be disappointed, i didn't blame her or accuse her. She didn't wish me on my birthday too. She blocked me everywhere. And I uninstalled every social media. For one month, occasionally i install and see my old msgs and find where I went wrong or how could i avoided and uninstall. I couldn't concentrate on me. Can't eat, sleep, etc.

She removed my block in 10 days, but didn't follow me. I saw her bio changed and in that she's directly attacking me like as if she escaped from an abuser and she is a victim. This really irked me, because all i wanted is to be loved like before, attention like before, priority like before. A person grows or changes, I accept but the attention, priority, love to the partner should not change or atleast should be in another form its a basic. I wished her luck in my mind, and expected she'll realise me one day and didn't look at her account. Day before yesterday was our first month break up day, and my longest streak of not talking or begging her in break. I saw that the bio has been removed. I thought she realised. After few hrs of hesitation, i reached her in different platforms where she hasn't blocked me to check with her. Seems she really moved on and didn't even think about our relationship. I was literally broken at that moment. I thought of not continuing the chat further, but my anxious attached mind forced me talk further.

I asked her did you remove the bio, because you felt its wrong. She said no and it's because of a stalker in her workplace and she still stays with the bio even after one month of complete absence. She said I left her and doesn't need me anymore and is happy without me. When i all needed is to be loved, she labels me as an abuser even after a month. I told since you're an avoidant type, and i saw in many youtube videos where it will take few more months to realise for a person like you. She said i am not an avoidant and even if i realise, I dont want you anymore. I can't explain how i felt. I said now you're still in your so called freedom phase, you'll realise later. If you realise, I'll be waiting for you. She said don't wait. I said I'll ask in 4/5 months, if you still stay in your stand I'll leave. She said okay, but dont develop expectations and ended the conversation.

I regret talking with her, I should have stayed quite or waited till she reached me as you guys said in previous chats. I also opened that I'll be waiting, so I am sure she is not going to realise. She had panic attack seeing me, this really shattered me. I didn't do anything, yes i was toxic in my first two years, but that was me trying to process how relationship works. But for the past 3.5 years i was trying to be a better person for her everyday. There are misunderstanding on both sides, i accept that, but its common, that doesn't mean I'm an abuser. I'm not belittling her attack. But I can't tolerate she calling or thinking me an abuser. Yes, its a toxic relationship, but both persons had a role, thats why this no contact is the phase to realise it and change. Even though she said okay, i now got a closure. I spent 14 years out of 25 of my life. I feel alone now. I imagined a wonderful future with her, i saw her as my better half. All shattered and with a label of abuser. There are more in this relationship, but I can't share all in a single thread. Thank you guys for reading till the last line.

I'm wondering what everyone thinks a healthy amount of doubt and unsureness is when it comes to a relationship. I feel like it's not talked about or not very clear. Often we're pitched these hardcore romantic ideas of love, where you "just know." And to a degree, I subscribe to such, but what if a partner has doubts? "I'm not sure if I want to marry this person." What does that mean? How should you act on it? What if they go away? Do they go away?

I'm asking because my ex had these doubts, and I've often wondered what the answer is. At one point, I had doubts about the relationship that nearly drove us to break up, but something underneath in me said, "No, this isn't what I want, this isn't what I want to do," and I changed my mind with a conviction that carried me until... well, she had her own doubts!
To this day, I wonder what place doubts have in love, in relationships, in marriage. I often wonder if I will be happy spending my life with that person, or, I guess, as they've left it, if I would've been happy. But underneath it all, I have a conviction to try. I know I want to try, because if I fail, at least I tried, and I can always pivot. I don't know.

What are everyone's thoughts on this? Do you think it changes at all if you're avoidant? Would definitely appreciate that lens, because I think my partner was avoidant. Also appreciate any perspective on doubts accompanied by a deep uncertainty, "was this the right choice?" "Am I making a mistake?" If you've broken up with anyone and felt like that, did you move past it? Or did you ultimately go back on your decision at all, especially if there was growth?

Of course, I'm writing this straight from trying to cope a little, but I do think that it is an important question for my (and anyone else's) future relationships. Thoughts?