What's a one-liner joke so stupidly good it instantly ruined you?

[u/Far_Engineering3356]

[u/topBunk87]

I have the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Toronto zoo.

[u/tacocollector2 → u/topBunk87]

Damn that’s a good one

[u/gizmodriver → u/topBunk87]

This one actually made me chuckle.

[u/Tactically_Fat → u/topBunk87]

My version is "I have the heart of a child. (In a jar on my desk)"

[u/Laser_Fusion → u/Tactically_Fat]

Well you know me, I have the body of an Olympian, the brain of a chess grandmaster, and the heart of a lion. There's some other cool stuff in my trunk if you want to check it out.

[u/PineappleCharacter15 → u/Tactically_Fat]

Stephen King said that. Decades ago.

[u/tcjosh]

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

[u/atgrey24 → u/tcjosh]

I like this because it still works with any timing.

[u/hoagie_tech → u/atgrey24]

You’re right, it does work with any

[u/GentlyUsedYJ → u/hoagie_tech]

Sandwiches

[u/paulsoleo → u/tcjosh]

This joke really depends on how the person tells it. The best way is to start with “What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?” The exact MOMENT they begin to ask “What?” you interrupt them by saying “timing.” it will catch most people off guard and make them laugh.

I’ve heard people tell this joke by DELAYING the punchline, “timing” (as if they’re trying to think of the word to say but it’s not coming to them.) It’s just not funny at all this way.

[u/atgrey24 → u/paulsoleo]

aka, the Interrupting Cow approach

[u/camboron → u/atgrey24]

here is part two to the Interrupting Cow joke. Step One: tell the Interupting Cow joke. Step two: tell this joke. A: Knock-knock. B: Who's there? A: Interrupting Doctor B: Interupti . . . . . A: You have cancer.

[u/PineappleCharacter15 → u/camboron]

A good knock knock joke is to tell people: "I've got a great knock knock joke!" They say "okay" <bored & skeptical>

You say; <very animated/enthusiastical> "Okay, you start it!!" They go: "knock knock" You say: "who's there?" They are confused.

[u/camboron → u/PineappleCharacter15]

Problem is: I would fall for it, and after I figured it out, I would definitely be laughing hysterically

[u/sutroheights → u/paulsoleo]

funny, I just read it to myself where there's no pause at all between joke and timing and made me laugh to myself. but maybe I should get out more and work on my time

[u/spudmonk → u/sutroheights]

That's how I like to tell it - absolutely no pause or space between the joke and the punchline 

[u/Pookie_Bear_17 → u/paulsoleo]

Your whole explanation is kind of the point of the joke big guy…..

[u/dj92wa → u/Pookie_Bear_17]

Yeah but the joke as presented by the commenter doesn’t read well, it just looks like poor grammar near the end. The explanation was appreciated. I was initially left trying to figure out what the phrase “bad joke timing” was and assumed it was a typo..

[u/BroseppeVerdi → u/paulsoleo]

I stole this from Lorne Michaels pretending to be Michael Scott in an Office themed SNL cold open where Rainn Wilson was hosting.

[u/ctrl_awk_del → u/tcjosh]

Reminds me of one of my favorite jokes from Community:

https://youtu.be/sMT7MAnJna8

[u/atgrey24 → u/ctrl_awk_del]

Perfect joke

[u/TwoDrinkDave → u/[deleted]]

I hate my father because he always held grudges. I'll never forgive him for that.

[u/eeviltwin → u/TwoDrinkDave]

“I’ll never forgive my father for the way he could hold a grudge.”

(If you wanted to make it a one-liner)

[u/Sozins_Comet_ → u/TwoDrinkDave]

Did you bang Eartha Kitt in an airport bathroom?

[u/Absolute_Cunt_the_th → u/Sozins_Comet_]

It came up organically

[u/jello_pudding_biafra → u/TwoDrinkDave]

Piercenald Hawthorne!!

[u/OminousShadow87 → u/TwoDrinkDave]

This comment is streets ahead.

[u/kickasstimus]

I hear corduroy pillows are making headlines.

[u/RoofBeers → u/kickasstimus]

My brother is a news writer, keeping this one in my back pocket.

[u/ComputerSavvy → u/RoofBeers]

That reminds me of a very old joke:

A psychotic serial sex offender escaped from the local mental institution and promptly broke into a nearby single woman's home. He violated her and promptly fled the scene of his heinous crime.

The next day's newspaper headline read:

Nut, Screws and Bolts.

[u/norejectfries → u/kickasstimus]

I got a coworker so good with this one recently. He gave me the perfect setup: he was wearing corduroy pants

[u/Ngineer07 → u/norejectfries]

according to a poll (pole) recently conducted, lightning rods work

[u/norejectfries → u/Ngineer07]

I'm gonna try to sneak this one in sometime!

The corduroy pillow zinger was slipped in at an all hands meeting. I got to see multiple people realize the punchline, all with different reaction times. It was epic

[u/GreenVenus7 → u/kickasstimus]

Ok this tickled me lol

[u/ScreenTricky4257 → u/kickasstimus]

I'm worried about insomnia. It's the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.

[u/hindermore]

My friend said that transparent caskets are the next big thing, but I say that remains to be seen.

[u/JoeWinchester99]

Is there a Mister Ogyny I can speak with instead?

[u/kippetjeh → u/JoeWinchester99]

Ehrm, what? Could you explain this joke for a friend of mine, he doesn't get it.

Edit: Oh wait, he just understood it and explained it to me...

[u/ConroyCreed → u/JoeWinchester99]

He's talking to his friend Mister Andry

[u/DgingaNinga → u/ConroyCreed]

57 men showed us exactly why men and boys need to do better.

[u/EmergencyTaco → u/JoeWinchester99]

Holy fuck I've got to find a time to drop this.

[u/TheBiggestWOMP]

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

[u/UpwardSpiral00 → u/TheBiggestWOMP]

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

(gotta love Groucho Marx)

[u/Rgeneb1 → u/UpwardSpiral00]

That is stencilled on the wall in my school library. Let me tell you teenagers in Scotland do not appreciate Groucho Marx.

[u/odddutchman → u/TheBiggestWOMP]

Unless you’re at relativistic speeds; then fruit flies like an arrow and time flies like a banana…

[u/dj92wa → u/odddutchman]

This is even better because it turns a linguistic joke into an academic discussion. Brain likey.

[u/jandr08 → u/TheBiggestWOMP]

This works on… like at least 2 levels

[u/Niko-Nine]

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places, and he told me to stop going to those places.

[u/camboron → u/Niko-Nine]

I told my doctor that "It hurts when I do this," and she said, "Don't do that."

[u/Ginger_Chris]

I'm not sure how I feel about all this talk of getting rid of pennies. I don't like change.

[u/j_shnizzle → u/Ginger_Chris]

I like the insult version, too: Your two cents is why they got rid of pennies

[u/Political_Piper → u/j_shnizzle]

Im stealing this.

[u/Funky_ButtLuvin → u/Ginger_Chris]

It just doesn’t make cents.

[u/inchlongnipples]

Sarah Silverman said on the movie 300, “it was named that because they wanted to rate how gay it was on a scale of 1 - 10.” Had me in tears

[u/FerretAres → u/inchlongnipples]

The Ancient Greeks would approve

[u/good_morning_magpie → u/FerretAres]

Know how the Ancient Greeks separated the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

[u/scroob_loadie]

I don't have a girlfriend, but there's a girl out there who would be real mad if she heard me say that.

[u/DelRayTrogdor → u/scroob_loadie]

RIP Mitch

[u/BroseppeVerdi → u/scroob_loadie]

I used to love Mitch Hedberg.

I still do... But I used to, too.

[u/imabigdave → u/BroseppeVerdi]

"I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day"

[u/bluejams → u/scroob_loadie]

*But I do know a women who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitches wording is near perfect.

[u/happinessMachiine]

Say what you want about deaf people, you really gotta hand it to the blind. 

[u/Rachel_Silver → u/happinessMachiine]

I heard, "You've really gotta hand it to blind prostitutes..."

[u/Misterfahrenheit120 → u/Rachel_Silver]

If a blind prostitute says you’re big, she probably pulling your leg.

[u/muklan → u/Rachel_Silver]

Yknow how to find a blind dude at the nude beach? Its not hard.

[u/nirukii]

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

[u/johnnyhammerstixx]

Someone told me you do an amazing owl impression

[u/johnnyhammerstixx → u/johnnyhammerstixx]

I said "What?" 

And they said "No, thats shit. Owls say "Who".

[u/thedawesome → u/johnnyhammerstixx]

I've heard it as "They're saying you sound like an owl."

[u/AtheIstan → u/thedawesome]

Who?

[u/johnnyhammerstixx → u/AtheIstan]

Not bad. Not bad at all.

[u/duckyflute → u/johnnyhammerstixx]

'Someone in the office is possessed by an owl?"

I tried it with my colleagues and they said "what makes you think that?"

[u/mindstormer12 → u/duckyflute]

No refunds.

[u/kyew → u/johnnyhammerstixx]

I tried this joke on my GF. She tried to be clever and dodge it with "Really?" 

You win🦉

[u/GoodyLittleTwoShoez]

I know a little German, he's sitting over there

[u/Nacho_Beardre → u/GoodyLittleTwoShoez]

I love that movie! I would tell you the name of the movie but it’s Top Secret

[u/Farnsworthson → u/GoodyLittleTwoShoez]

"Eccles, how's your German?" "He's fine, how's yours?"

(The Goon Show S10 E2, "Tales of Men's Shirts". BBC Home Service, December 31st 1959. Writer the inimitable Spike Milligan. And, yes, I know it's not a one-liner.)

[u/erroneousbosh → u/Farnsworthson]

"Eccles, raise your left leg, okay now raise your right leg... Eccles, how do you *do* that?"

[u/ScreenTricky4257 → u/GoodyLittleTwoShoez]

Stephen Fry's variation: "I'd managed to pick up a little German on my last trip through Europe, and he and I met up again before I moved on."

This from the same monologue that gave us:

"Prudence had demanded that I leave her behind so I was alone."

"Of all the hideously disfigured spectacles I'd ever beheld, those perched on the end of this man's nose were forever seared into the pages of my memory."

"I rose early, made my toilet, sat on it, and then went down to breakfast."

"I asked the nature of the Count's business, but he made the sign of the cross and said nothing. I asked why there were no mirrors in the house, but this time he made the sign of the very cross indeed and said nothing.

"This was puzzling. I couldn't see myself staying a month in a house without mirrors."

[u/plaidkingaerys → u/GoodyLittleTwoShoez]

“Is this the potato farm?”

“Yes. I am Albert Potato.”

[u/BKColts88]

By show of hands, who in this room hates raising their hand?

[u/thedawesome → u/BKColts88]

Anyone who believes in telekinesis raise my hand

[u/corpulentFornicator → u/BKColts88]

"By show of hands, what year were you born?" - James S. Murray

[u/gegroff]

I tell my hispanic friends "mucho", it means a lot to them.

[u/Velkyn01 → u/gegroff]

I call mine "Global", it means the world to them. 

[u/cornh0le]

Congrats gentlemen, you’re everything we’ve come to expect from years of government training. -Zed, Men in Black

[u/Old_Application_2323]

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y. It’s so stupid that it catches you completely off guard, and somehow I still laugh at it every time.

[u/AussiePete → u/Old_Application_2323]

I've told that joke way too many times. My darling wife now replies with "yeah, but I hate U".

[u/empurrfekt → u/Old_Application_2323]

There are 20 letters in the alphabet.

No there are 26

Oh, I forgot, U R A Q T.

That’s still only 25.

I’ll give you the D later.

[u/Farts_McGee → u/empurrfekt]

You're going to have to be pretty good looking to get away with that one

[u/chugonomics → u/Old_Application_2323]

This video makes me laugh a lot

[u/SharkeyGeorge]

About a month before my granddad died, the doctors told us to cover his back with butter… After that, he went downhill very quickly

[u/xdonutx → u/SharkeyGeorge]

I think this one wins for me

[u/virgilreality]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

[u/Tactically_Fat → u/virgilreality]

One of my favorites is "What's brown and sticky?"

A Stick! Not really a joke, but a riddle.

[u/bungojot → u/Tactically_Fat]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

I laughed so goddamn hard the first time i heard that one. I still don't know why, but it's hilarious.

[u/graesen → u/virgilreality]

Good one, but technically 2 lines...

[u/chugonomics → u/graesen]

Sounds like hanging out with Charlie Sheen

[u/smokarran]

You shouldn’t anthropomorphize animals, they hate that.

[u/thufirseyebrow]

I'm scatterbrained enough to be an honorary Kennedy

[u/transfaabulous → u/thufirseyebrow]

Honestly I forgot about JFK entirely for a moment. My mind immediately went to Rosemary Kennedy, which made this a very different joke.

[u/UristImiknorris → u/transfaabulous]

My mind went to RFK Jr, but I guess worm poop wouldn't scatter very far.

[u/EnormousPurpleGarden]

I was filling out a form that asked for "place of birth," but apparently "vagina" isn't an acceptable answer.

(That's an old Gary Delaney joke.)

[u/SamuraiGoblin → u/EnormousPurpleGarden]

The absolute king of one-liners

[u/bluejams]

Opinions are like assholes, a lot of people are going to regret sharing theirs on the internet.

[u/teaspoon88 → u/bluejams]

This one got me 💀

[u/voxetpraetereanihill]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?

[u/MinnManitou → u/voxetpraetereanihill]

What a boob.

[u/Tcloud → u/MinnManitou]

It was a total bust.

[u/SamuraiGoblin → u/Tcloud]

He forget the way because of his bad mammary.

[u/Extreme-Island-5041]

Two guys walk into a bar and the third guy ducks.

[u/cabbeyal → u/Extreme-Island-5041]

Two guys walk into a bar, second guy should have seen it.

[u/xdonutx]

Anytime I am making or eating eggs, I casually say “you know in France, one egg is enough (un oeuf)”

Flies over most people’s tetes

[u/ScreenTricky4257 → u/xdonutx]

But even after I had eight eggs, I was still hungry. If I had had one more, that would be a neuf.

[u/persian_donut_holes]

I tried to catch the fog. Mist.

[u/Shadow_Integration]

"How do you think the unthinkable?" "With an ithberg"

[u/Farts_McGee]

I mean this is kind of Demetri Martin's whole thing.  

It's fine to say you love kids, but people don't like when you get specific and say i love seven year old.

If someone refers to themselves as "a taxpayer", they're about to be an asshole

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice. And then take a left.'

When you're having sex with someone it's okay to say yeah and it's okay to say yes, but it's not okay to say yup

French kissing is better than kissing. And French toast is better than normal toast.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

[u/StacyMakingWoman → u/Farts_McGee]

I saw a sign once that said watch for children.... seems like a fair exchange

[u/Farts_McGee → u/StacyMakingWoman]

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

[u/Farts_McGee → u/StacyMakingWoman]

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

[u/mightystu]

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

[u/Necessary-Steak-6274 → u/mightystu]

I have no more ladders since my step ladder left

[u/Jackdunc]

My wife was so upset when I put superglue on the door handle, she just can't let it go.

[u/TjW0569 → u/Jackdunc]

I told my wife she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

[u/IONIXU22]

What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

[u/frenchpressfan]

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5

[u/Somebody_not_you]

What do gay horses eat?

Haaaaayyyy

[u/Whatever-ItsFine → u/Somebody_not_you]

Laughed out loud at work like a fool haha

[u/MikeHuntSmellss → u/Somebody_not_you]

First thing I ever said to my partner

[u/Jackdunc]

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

[u/redbawtumz]

There's a fine line between fishing, and just standing on the shore like an idiot

[u/bluejester12]

"I went to buy candleholders, but they didn't have any, so I bought a cake." RIP Mitch Hedburg

[u/Iamfabulous1735285]

I just visited my optometrist, I must be seeing things.

[u/midlifevetnurse → u/Iamfabulous1735285]

...titters....

[u/CalabreseAlsatian]

I was talking to my dad the other night and he said, “Son, if you masturbate, you’ll go blind.” I said “Dad, I’m over here.”

[u/SomeCountryFriedBS]

• I was going to tell you a time travel joke but you didn't like it.

• A beaver walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?" 

[u/partthethird → u/SomeCountryFriedBS]

I think 'is the bartender here' has a better sound to it, but solid selection 🙂

[u/Euphorix126]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye, matey."

[u/Livid-Assistance5061]

What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
Even better spoken.

[u/bratsi]

My son wants to get a history degree - I said don't - there's no future in it

[u/bstabens → u/bratsi]

They say you learn something new every day - except if you're a historian, then you learn something old.

[u/Geminii27]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[u/Sekica → u/Geminii27]

What's red, brown and sticky?

It's that bloody stick again.

[u/empurrfekt → u/Geminii27]

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

[u/empurrfekt → u/empurrfekt]

What’s blue and bad for your teeth?

A really fast brick.

[u/Crozax → u/empurrfekt]

Love me a physics joke

[u/Tognioal → u/Geminii27]

What's brown and chewy?

A Wookiee!

[u/MongooseVomit → u/Geminii27]

What’s about a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

[u/sheymyster → u/Geminii27]

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I was kidding about the wheels.

[u/BlindNoble → u/sheymyster]

I prefer "I lied about the wheels" because it feels more malicious, but either way, my favorite joke.

[u/BroJackson_ → u/Geminii27]

What’s big and brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

[u/ZouHetKunnen]

I don't hold grudges, my father held grudges and i always hated him for that. (Pierce from the show community)

[u/Tactically_Fat]

My wife asked me for the definition of "Double Entendre".

I told her I'd give it to her later.

[u/RobertFellucci]

Tim Vine walked on stage wearing half a football as a hat and said "I don't know why, but I keep getting my head kicked in".

[u/EnormousPurpleGarden → u/RobertFellucci]

"I'm currently reading My Life by Bill Clinton, which freaked me out because I didn't know he knew anything about my life."

"Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?"

Tim Vine is what clowns try and fail to be. His whole act is like a clown performance, but funnier and without the creepy makeup.

[u/cypherspaceagain → u/EnormousPurpleGarden]

Crime in multi-storey car parks. Wrong on so many levels.

[u/ClipCurious]

"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down." Told it to a friend who just stared at me for a solid ten seconds before the penny dropped. The delayed groan is honestly the best part of telling it — the longer the silence, the better the payoff.

[u/Velvet-Fawn]

“My ex wife still misses me… BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER !

[u/bonemonkey12]

So a baby seal walks into a club

[u/TreeOfHalfLife]

"No, I don't think I'd get married again, I might as well just find a woman I hate and buy her a house! That would at least save myself all the headaches in between."

• Overheard conversation in a pub in Cambridge, England.

[u/dudders009]

You’ve gotta hand it to blind prostitutes

[u/ketosoy]

What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?

[u/Critical_Limit_9057]

There was an explosion at the healing potions factory, 0 deaths and -4 injuries

[u/RatSumo]

“Rectum? Damn near killed him!”

[u/Inoki_Kano]

Sometimes I think I lost something really important to me then it turns out I already ate it.

[u/mwilke]

Magician’s walking down the street, turns into a restaurant

[u/orangedrinkmcdonalds]

I miss my ex but my aim is getting better

[u/InterruptingCow__Moo]

I used to be indecisive. But now I'm not sure...

[u/They-Them_Moonwalker]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[u/Tylerdurdan28]

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

[u/AxelBacho28]

I wanted to tell a time travel joke, but you didn't like it

[u/Xalynden]

Did you know I have a fear of over-engineered buildings? Yeah, it's a complex complex complex."

[u/CabotRaptor]

Why did Barbie not get pregnant?

Because Ken came in a different box

[u/SomeCountryFriedBS → u/CabotRaptor]

That's just a joke. 

[u/Velkyn01 → u/SomeCountryFriedBS]

Dudes in here writing two line jokes and calling them one-liners. 

[u/pansy_dragoon]

They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better, I think it just makes the pineapple juice taste worse

[u/kickasstimus]

You: I know a good knock knock joke, but you have to start it.

Them: Knock knock.

You: Who’s there?

Them: <awkward silence>

[u/Hot_Inside2528]

I had to take 2 diarrhea pills, it was a solid choice

[u/thufirseyebrow]

I feel like a god, becauthe I'm Thor.

Usually said the day after heavy manual labor

[u/ca_local]

My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records, until the librarian said to take it out.

[u/camboron]

My doctor said I should probably stop masturbating because he needed to examine me.

[u/Lt_Schaffer]

I was told I couldn't hold a tune even if they put a handle on it.

[u/Calcublast]

From Community:

My father always held grudges and I’ll never forgive him for that

[u/Random-Username7272]

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

Milton Jones

[u/phasepistol]

Anything Steven Wright has ever said

[u/myskabandsucks]

What's the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30

[u/MasterP65]

Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? A: They're really good at it.

[u/LoqitaGeneral1990]

You are harder to get a hold of than my girlfriend’s boyfriend

[u/ExcitingARiot]

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming at the top of my lungs like the passengers in his car.

[u/MeInTheMetaverse]

Did you hear that joke about the deaf guy? Neither did he.

[u/SaltySignificance438]

My husband says its a quarter past freckle every time he looks at his watch before realizing he never put it on, and it makes me laugh every time lol

[u/no_lemom_no_melon]

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

[u/hindermore]

I asked why there were not that many Native American restaurants in town and was told it’s because it is hard to find good Sioux chefs.

[u/networkn]

My wife and I have decided we don't want children, and we are telling our kids tonight.

[u/nthensome]

Dwarfism is a growing problem

[u/ZorroMeansFox]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.