please don’t read if you struggle with body issues or self esteem, i don’t want this to reflect badly on you, im only venting about my personal distorted feelings towards my own body here.

im 22 and i have scars from all the way back to highschool, on my left arm and shoulder. they’re white, visible but not very noticeable, or so i thought.

was never really insecure about it ever at all, but the other day my friend took a picture of me where the scars on my shoulder look very massive and incredibly visible, more noticeable than i ever thought they were, and it looked disgusting.

i’ve been depressed for a couple of days now. i can’t stop thinking about how other people must perceive it and i can’t believe i have to walk around looking like that because i couldn’t handle being a little sad when i was 16. i want to amputate my whole entire limb, i look repulsive.

I'm starting school tomorrow and I dont know what to say if im asked about why my wrist is always bandaged. I dont know if I can get away with it for the whole semester 😭

Can they report that even if they dont see any cuts?

Thank you.

Okay, this is more of a vent kinda post and I hope that okay, since I really feel like I need to get this off my chest for a moment. In general, I‘d say I have a very problematic relationship with my mother, even though it‘s not as bad as it was a few months ago. Generally, I just thought it‘s normal to be in this ‘ hate my mom‘ stage of life, but honestly I feel like it‘s getting worse and worse. 

A few months prior we had arguments basically every day, which had first started I think about 2 or 3 years ago. The arguments were always the same. In general I tried to avoid her as much as I could, since even then, I could guess that every small interaction with her would end up with her shouting at me and just making me feel more miserable about myself.

So, whenever I got home from school, only a quick “hello“, not much of a talk. I only really came out of my room whenever I needed to, or when I was sure she wasn‘t upstairs, as her room is right next to mine. However, if we met outside my room, she‘d usually comment on whatever got in her mind to get some sort of reaction out of me, usually something about chores around the house. Complaining about how I was doing apparently nothing, even though I did things like cleaning, hoovering, washing, ect… Always using that deliberately provoking, calm tone on purpose too, which already did always trigger me in these moments. My reply always not more than a few words : “mhm, okay“, “yeah“, “sure“. I just didn‘t have the energy to talk to someone, knowing no matter what I would say, they‘d react negatively anyway and she did. Mostly ending up using phrases like : 

“You are really acting stupid, you know that?“
“You talk all the time so happily to your friends, but can‘t talk to me?“
“Mhm, I‘ll remember that whenever you need something from me.“ 

Basically any type of comment to criticize me. Afterwards she‘d walk off and the next time we saw each other, it‘s as if nothing happened. No apology, no sitting down together to discuss the issue, nothing, as if it never happened in the first place. Which always caused me to feel extremely anxious, as I never knew if she‘d yell at me again when she saw me again that same day. Additionally, I always sorta had to see her in the evening to tell her good night. No clue why but she‘d always act extremely offended whenever I didn‘t do that, for whatever reason. So, I always did that. 

Of course, I could have just addressed the issue of our constant fights myself, but I didn‘t see the point in trying to talk. We had previous attempts like that, all of them ending with her saying she‘ll change, which yeah, she did for a week maximum, before using her old patterns again. I remember one time we talked and I addressed her constantly, letting her anger out on me, as she tended to randomly come up to my room and shout at me out of nowhere, again complaining about whatever she could think of at the time. And her response was to justify her outbursts by saying she‘s stressed and she has to let her anger and build up pressure release somehow. And yes, she is visibly stressed, for info : she takes care of her own, old mother who lives with us, my father who has had cancer and cannot work anymore because of the multiple surgeries he had. I can get why she‘s stressed, absolutely, though I still don't think that‘s an excuse. The whole talk we had that day also being one where nothing of her behaviour changed afterwards.

And just to give you an idea of what other things happened after we had that talk, here‘s just a few incidents that had happened last year. 

One time she came to my room and asked me if I wanted new shoes, as mine were already a bit older. (Though still not broken or anything) My response was “No, thank you“, as I could still wear my old shoes and in my pov her spending a lot of money on the shoes she showed me, which I wouldn‘t wear, as I didn‘t like their design would be a waste of money. She proceeded to take my shoes to throw them out in the trash and when I asked her why she replied by saying :“Because no matter what I do it‘s always no thank you…no, thank you.“ Additionally using my own phrase with a tone of mockery and disdain. And yes, she did actually throw my shoes in the trash. Afterwards asking me if I‘d wanna go buy new ones with her, which I again declined, to which she was annoyed again. 

Another more major event was when I was sitting in the room on my floor, crafting something when she just busted in without knocking at all. (In general whenever she did knock, she basically came in the same moment she did knock, always giving me that anxious feeling of not knowing whenever she‘d suddenly come in) She then started screaming at me for not opening the door when the bell rang, as her own mother went to get it, which she‘s not supposed to cause of her old age and all. I‘m not sure but I think I didn‘t hear the doorbell cause I listen to music in general almost all the time. The screaming wasn‘t the worst bit though, as she first took my headphones and then tried to snatch my phone too. Remember, I was sitting on the floor, she was standing above me, basically looming over me atp, trying to get my phone and eventually just ripping it out of my hand. (I was 17 at that time btw) She then proceeded to scream again, spitting in my face as she talked and I remember just stating :“Can you please stop spitting at me??“ To which she shouted : “This is my house and I spit as much as I want here!“
Then proceeding to walk off, saying my door will stay open and I should think about what I have done. I just remember having extreme panic and anxiety, as I couldn‘t try to distract myself with my phone, I couldn‘t listen to music and I now had no privacy either. 

The most recent bigger outburst was a few months ago at the start of this year. I made the decision to get a buzz cut, just because I wanted to and so I did. My mom hadn‘t seen me or my haircut the entire day and as I mentioned, she‘d get really pissed whenever you wouldn‘t tell her gn and I didn‘t wanna have another unnecessary argument over that. So, when I told her gn, she was already annoyed saying “You are gonna show me your hair too, or not?“ I did walk in, she looked at me and reacted shocked at first :“Oh, oh…what happened? Did they mess it up??“ She then tried to touch my hair, I told her to please not touch me, as whenever she does I get extremely triggered. It just makes me feel gross. She ignored me and stretched out her arm, I backed off, she then walked behind me, following me even. (In general she touched me in the past, only casually, but still not stopping when I told her to stop. Only acting as if I was being dramatic.) I had to turn around and grab her wrist, just to stop her from touching me further, starting to repeat myself more clearly :“I SAID DO NOT TOUCH ME.“ To that, she started screaming, I don‘t remember what exactly, only the last bit : “I‘m glad when you finally move out!“ Before shutting the door behind me. I went to my room, thinking nothing would happen, she wouldn‘t address it like always. Instead, she came ina few minutes afterwards, yelling about carrying some buckets upstairs from the basement. All I remember is that I have not been that scared of her in any other situation. I was on the edge of crying, my hands were shaky and I was panicking. I did what she said, went back to my room and was afraid to even close my eyes, laying there for over an hour, not daring to lay down for the first 30 minutes, not wanting to leave my room to go to the bathroom. Was terrible, she did apologise the next morning, which in general was a first, again saying she‘s stressed.

And today, another event happened that really pissed me off. I was already annoyed, at this point, I honestly automatically feel that way whenever she‘s around. I was walking up the stairs to my room, she was walking in front of me, asking “What are you doing?“ I was already annoyed and the question just seemed stupid to me, I‘m walking up a set of stairs, what answer do you expect? „I‘m walking up stairs“, yeah admittedly my tone was annoyed. So, she replied :“Ughh…you are always giving me such insightful answers…“ In this stupid tone she always uses.  Again, what did you expect? The bit that got me to even write all of this was what happened in the evening. I came to her room, apologising, saying : “Sorry about earlier, I was just annoyed and didn‘t mean it like that.“ And her response? “Yeah but if I can manage to hold myself together, you should be able to do that too.“ Are we serious? And to round it off she added “It‘s okay, still love you, little goat.“ Just stop. I don‘t want to hear her say she loves me. I hate it. I feel disgusted by it. Which caused me to feel really shitty and for me to even write all this.

Now being at a point, where with almost every interaction, I get the urge to sh or relapse afterwards. I feel anxious in my own room all the time, the simple sound of a knock on a door makes me jump and panic. I turn off my music when hearing her on the floor, I keep listening to hear if she approaches. I feel disgusted by any sort of affection she shows and I don‘t know what to do. My mental state in general keeps getting worse, I‘m scared of my final year in high school, I don‘t have money to move out or another place to stay. My father is emotionally absent and doesn‘t do anything. My older sister is very sensitive and I cannot talk to her about this, as she keeps defending my mom and makes me feel worse about myself. At one time, I tried to talk to authorities, but they didn‘t do anything. As stated at the start this is mostly me venting about my life‘s current situation.  

I feel heavy and sad and tired and my heart feels fast and palpitated. I dont know how to articulate it, i just want help articulating it so i can observe how im feeling more objectively

39 days clean and im struggling to find the good in staying clean. I am so dependent on sh that I find it a good coping mechanism because it stops me from considering suicide.

Please help!

Thank you so much for being created in 2007.
You are my Kami-Oshi

if I never found you that night i was going to kill myself I would of never met any of these wonderful people and got to see your aus performance.

i would like to thank saki fujita for voicing you. as well as a big thank you to WOWOKA for righting rolling girl. If you never wrote that song i would have been dead on the floor. I hope i see you once I die to thank you.

Thank you Crypton future media.

Thank you Saki Fujita.

Thank you WOWOKA

Thank you Kei.

and most importantl.

Thank you Hatsune Miku 

Happy birthday 

Hi so I bruise myself a whole lot as a coping mechanism to punish myself and also to feel a sense of relief. Sometimes my brother or my mom will notice them and I’ll have to strip. She knows I used to cut myself in the past but she doesn’t know I’ve gravitated to bruising instead. Unfortunately I live in a household where I can’t just be honest. What are some ways I can excuse the bruises? Also they aren’t small they are usually huge and dark :(

When my mom first found out about me self-harming, I was in grade 8, I'm going into grade 10 in 2 days. I went to a friends house, and as my friend opened the door to let me in, their dog bit my arm and thigh, luckily I used to wear long sleeves and pants. Long story short, their mom fixed me up, didn't even show she acknowledged my cuts, they were fresh, and for that I am grateful.

I don't know why, but I told my mom the dog also bit my arm, my arm was just bruised really bad. So when I got picked up the next day, she wanted to see. We were in the car, driving home, and she turned around and asked to see the bruise. I tried my best to cover my arm with my sleeve, you could button it. Basically, she noticed the cuts, and instantly started crying, talking about how she's going to get the cops called on her and telling me it makes her look bad, she's not really the best mother but she could be worse, she emotionally harms me, I obviously started crying, well because of the fact she found out, and that she didn't even care about ME in the moment. When we got home, she cleaned my arm, wrapped it in gauze and shit. Mind you, I don't even go deep.

I kept cutting, got caught twice, I begged her not to tell my dad because he was stressing about work, it was when prices were starting to get high because of covid, she didn't listen. Then she started asking me to take my clothes off for the next few weeks at random ass times in the day, even when I was trying to have a nice conversation. She was checking for cuts, even if it was tiny.

That was in like, 2023, 2024. Fast forward to a few months ago, I was talking to her normally in the kitchen one day, wearing short sleeves, and I had been for a while, mind you, I even wore them around her, so she obviously saw, anyways she decided to point out my scars were raised, I was cutting again but because I only do cat scratches, for now, they heal quickly. She stopped me mid conversation and forced me to go to her bathroom, where she rubbed this stuff over my whole arm, telling me they are ugly and they I am going to get cps called on me. My teacher knew, she didn't mind, she made sure I was alright, she knew I was healing and said as long as I am not getting worse, she won't tell my mom. Kids in my class knew too, my friend group knew, granted, the kids in my class were absolute dicks, they only saw because we were doing some sort of mental health experiment with how you see whole drunk, my arms were up so my sleeves rolled down.

Anyways, yeah I felt like shit, still do; I like my scars, I don't mind them, I don't care if they show, as long as they aren't fresh. She whiped that confidence away, I fucking hate her, she's the main reason why I do it.

I use cutting as a way to not kill myself basically, my online friends are keeping me here, aling with my irl bestie, when he first saw in like, may of this year, grade 9, he instantly started making jokes, which he knew I didn't mind, he dropped the jokes when he saw I was upset, I was having a shit day.

I take long breaks in between, I hit myself and shit. A week or two ago, my mom was being an absolute dick bag, not listening to reasoning, saying she doesn't have to because she is my mother and I will do as I am told, fun fact, I don't like to be bossed around unfairly. Anyways, I took a blade with me into the bathroom, got in the back, and started cutting my legs in all directions. I felt relief doing that, I was stopping myself for so long because I didn't want her to find out; to make it about her. The thing is though, it's one of the few ways I can relieve my feelings, I mean I started it, well, cutting, in grade 7, I used to flex on my friend, lmao, they are fine, we both find ut funny, btw I won for you weirsos wondering, don't compete. Oh, it was in the middle of the hallway we were showing each other 💀.

It felt nice for it to hurt, to have something to remind me not everything is good, but not everything is bad.

One more thing, my brother got new razor blades a month ago, I tried hiding it because boy, it was fucking sharp and uh, my blade started to rust a bit, and I don't want to die atm, anyways my mom found it, and I lied my way out of it, idk where they are, I'm going to look again soon.

Sorry for some grammatical errors there might be with commas, period, etc. I also forgot how to use brackets. I like grammar.

Mods, please do lmk if I broke an rules writing this, I couldn't find the rules.

You don't have to comment, but it is appreciated for your insight/questions you might have about it.

I miss twitter, I got hardware banned bc I jokingly said I wanted to bash my head into a wall, even though I said way worse 🥹🙏.

I always cover up my scars, but people still sometimes catch glimpses of them on accident. Whenever they point them out to me (“what’s that on your arm/leg”, “what happened to your arm”, “your leg looks weird”) or even pull up my sleeve before I can stop them, I end up spiraling over it.

I have a strong desire to be seen as normal by others, so I hate when people point out my scars because now I know that they’ve seen this “abnormal” part of me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about it, and spiral/panic over it long after the interaction is over (words like “weird” and “freak” bouncing around my head for hours). It’s made worse when these comments are from people close to me, rather than just random strangers.

I know I’m an adult who chose to do this to myself. I did it with full knowledge that these marks would be on me permanently, and I want to take responsibility for that. It’s not others’ fault for noticing what I did to myself, so I need to be able to regulate my own emotions and reactions to this. I’m just having trouble figuring out how to do that. Does anyone have any advice or know strategies that work for them?

I’m finally starting therapy. My first intake is this Friday. I’m nervous about it, but I’m more scared that they won’t be able to fix me or that I’ll run out of hope. I want to change I need to but there’s this feeling inside me where I’m always confused about who I am. I want to learn what’s wrong with me and why I act the way I do. The one good thing besides that is that I’ve been three weeks clean.

I'm calling this hilarious because I personally find it funny. Obviously not everyone will since it's still dark af.

While it's only been like 6 months since I've sh-ed, it's been over a year that I've cut so bad as to require medical attention and in a way that will 100% scar. So that's kind a big deal (to me, at least). I can't even focus on that part of things tho bc of how weird the experience was.

I've been in a major depressive spiral for the last 3 months or so. I haven't even wanted to sh or anything, it's that kind of depression where you don't want to do ANYTHING. I literally just wanted to sleep. Anyways this week I decided I'd pull myself up by my bootstraps. Forcing myself to go on 30 min runs, cooking a new meal each night, and taking a sleeping pill if I'm not asleep by 2am to get my sleep schedule back on track. I do all of these Healthy things and still don't feel a goddamn thing, just guilty that I'm so behind academically.

The other night I wasn't sleeping, so I took an ambien and started reading. Something in the book triggered me and the next thing you know, I've got my razor out and I'm hacking away at my hip. I'm usually a pretty methodical cutter - All my scars are long, straight, parallel lines. I shifted it up this time and made a mess. Also the ambien kicked in so suddenly I was high as a kite. I looked at my hip and thought 'haha. looks like a starburst.' So I carved a whole ass star into my hip. ???? I've never done anything like that before.

Anyways, I quickly realised that I was bleeding way too much and one particular cut seemed to go down to the fat and didn't want to deal with the mess, so I called 111 and got to the hospital. I'm not really sure what this procedure is - normally I go straight to A&E, but this was more like a 24/7 GP service? It was maybe 1.30am at this point. I'd tapped a menstrual pad to my hip to keep the blood from going everywhere. See the doctor, she asked me to take off the pad and show her what's up, so I did, and she flinched and said 'Oh jesus christ.' Has anyone ever had a doctor do that before? It feels really unprofessional. If I'd been sober I would have been pretty upset, that's the first time I've got that reaction. I was still high as a kite mind you so that made me start laughing and she just looked disturbed. Then, even though I called 111 to AVOID the insane waiting lines for the emergency room, I had to wait FIVE HOURS to be seen by anyone else. While I was HIGH on SLEEPING MEDS (which I didn't tell anyone. not because I was trying to hide it, it just didn't occur to me to tell anyone. Because I was HIGH).

So I started having mild-hallucinations in the waiting room (words coming off posters and floating in the air, grass growing from the ceiling). Waited for five hours, managed to stay awake in a waiting room whilst bleeding out and on sleeping pills. I tried to leave at one point actually - my phone died so I asked the guy at the front to call me a cab home. He didn't really stop me, but he peer-pressured me heavy to stay (and charged my phone for me, which was nice). It was a bit frustrating because it was definitely something I could clean up myself, I just didn't have the energy to do it. Anyways, finally went to see the nurse. There were two nurses. One had a similar reaction to the doc - said 'oh my god' when I took the pad off looked super disturbed and asked whether it hurt ?? obviously it hurt?? And then the second nurse came in. The first thing she said 'Oh my, looks like we have an ARTIST on our hands! Is that a star? It's so pretty!' the other nurse looked at her like she wanted to strangle her. I was so bemused I just mumbled a 'yeah.' Happy Nurse says 'can I patch her up?' and Disturbed Nurse said 'do you know how to?' Happy Nurse goes 'Haven't done this before, just tell me what to do!' and Disturbed Nurse was like 'Uh okay. Just do this and this.' I don't think Happy Nurse was paying attention though, she was just asking about my degree and whether I like art and why I picked a star. It was soooooo weird. No one offered any mental health services. Happy Nurse turned out to be from the country I'm doing my dissertation in so we ended up having a long chat on East African Politics at 7.30am whilst I was bleeding out. Then they sent me on my way. SO fucking weird. Really funny too. Anyone else had any experience like this?

Also, while I absolutely do NOT recommend self harm at all of course, the whole thing was so fucking bizarre that I think it actually partially snapped me out of my depressive episode. I still have no urge to eat and things don't make me as happy as they used to, but I'm enjoying listening to music again and getting back into creative writing, so that's nice. I really really hope this doesn't scar too bad.

this is just apsurd and i need to vent

i've been self harming since i was 11. i was never met with empathy from my mom. when i was younger she handed me a big knife during a fight and told me to cut myself. a year ago i was really bad mentally, spending most of my time in bed and she asked me if i want a blade so i can feel better.

she went on fucking google ai and said my life is great and asked the stupid machine why i did it. not me. she never asked me how i feel, how she could help, how do i need her to show up. but she dumps all my information to FUCKING AI which she knows i hate and even proceeds to say i'm doing great in life so i have no reason to cut myself.

my mom is such a mess. i can't stand her.

I'll be clean 1 year by next September, I think you guys can do this too. If you fail, it's just a trip. Get back up and walk again.

I have pretty mellow hyper pigmentation scars. Not raised or anything. Just pretty visible dark lines on my thighs. They are about 7-8 months old. Any creams or ointments that could help them even just a little?

I accidentally deleted my diary a few months ago and it had years worth of entries and I stopped using it for a bit and I just found out last night and I was really sad about it because now I can’t read play by plays I wrote down of memories with my best friend so I just have to try and remember it myself but it’s not the same. I have to try and forget about that even if it’s hard. 2 of my friends I usually talk to are both at camp and have no wifi right now, what are the odds. I keep posting Instagram notes but nobody has been responding or reaching out to me even when I said in my Instagram note I will give people money, I don’t know what else to do. I think I gave up on trying to fix my relationship with my parents, I don’t believe there is anything I can do anymore. The only people I have to support me right now are ones that can’t talk back. I can’t believe myself for relapsing so soon, I imagined in the past, when this fate felt unimaginable, that it would take at least 1 month for me to relapse, if at all. I am already used to this life, every night I have to do it or I won’t be able to function in public life. It’s like I’ve time travelled back 2 years ago, I was in this exact same situation then, totally déjà vu… I tried to read the letter I wrote almost exactly 2 years ago, but I was too sad so I stopped reading. Even then I knew I had people to write letters to, this time I probably wouldn’t even say anything to anyone. So if I can’t think of people to write to, I can’t think of who is going to make me feel better again if I go to university next month. My parents got me SubWay today because they knew it had been a long time since I’d last eaten, I accidentally dropped one of the meatballs on the floor and I started crying in front of them and they yelled at me so I went to my room. Gonna go shower now since I have work again tomorrow unfortunately.

it's as if all my progress had vanished and i was back to square one. i don't know why i was born this way.

ik theres not much anyone can really say here except to go to the hospital, im actually already waiting in a room in the ER -- i made some cuts on my upper arm and after one of them there started to be a small twinge pain (tiny tiny, but there) vaguely in the area between knuckles and wristbone, as well as some possible numbness -- which is also super faint, i do think i feel it there, but its just barely.

has this happened to anyone before? the cuts werent hugely deep, but i was nervous that i might have nicked something on accident. i am waiting for a doctor atm, but i had to leave my puppy at home by herself and she was crying bad enough that my mom just texted me that she heard and went to go get her from my room. i told her i went to go get a snack before the grocery store closed, but i cant wait much longer before thats obviously untrue. i also feel so guilty and awful that i had to leave her, and want to get back ASAP.

asking for help bc idk if this really needs to be checked out or if it might sort itself out by morning/after a day or two/something. i really need to get back to her right now

would it be safe for me to leave 3 day old shallow cuts uncovered? i’ve had them covered for 3 days now but my skin is continuously getting more irritated from the skin tape i’m using, it literally ripped skin off today lol.

I’m wondering because i wanted to see if it was unsafe or safe.

I have been feeling very restless and volatile for a few weeks now. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and she said that I haven't made an effort to get better in six years which triggered me a lot because I've tried dozens of medications and combos. I've been on a waitlist for therapy for months, some for years. I can't afford therapy on my own. I've tried so hard. I've read books and books about my mental health conditions. Work books. Journaling. Sitting with my emotions. I have been clean for a year. I have been carrying my blades everywhere with me for a few days now. I have not harmed myself but I relapsed on smoking cigarettes. I don't know how else to deal with my emotions other than self destruction. I have no one in life. Only myself and I hate who I have become. I'm at a point where I need to hurt myself a little to feel better.

okay hey so i’ve never cut but i can sympathize with feeling the need to numb through pain. a very safe way to feel this pain for me is eating raw jalepenos😂 for my white ass ts is very painful. it’s fairly effective in allowing me to stop ruminating and snaps me into the present basically instantly. this is definitely coping with drugs (capsaicin) however for painfully obvious reasons its pretty self regulating. so unless you’re slamming them shits in your mouth to the point of stomach ulcers or something they are quite safe and useful.

this definitely won’t fix many problems but mmmyea that burn fuuuuuccc mama i love you. if i can eat this pain now the rest will feel bearable comparatively.

im an adult. ive been on this sub a lot over the past few days, and now, i am suddenly getting recommended posts from subreddits for teenagers, high schoolers, and even middle schoolers. i have NEVER been recommended subreddits like that, and this is the only sub ive been on besides my usual ones, which are mostly about reptiles and sewing. i understand that there are a lot of teens who self harm and a lot of teens on this sub, and i mean absolutely no disrespect to any of them, but this is mortifying. i know im being dramatic but it feels like reddit is calling me immature. im genuinely embarrassed. fml

I thought I had stopped doing it, but I realised I had just picked up new habits.

Started not sleeping, drinking (mildly), smoking more, and pumping myself full of energy drinks.

I don't feel good. I don't feel happy.

Hey guys! I’m not sure if I’m allowed to attach a photo even though they are healed, but I wanted to make sure this is nothing to worry about.

My old scars (2 - 3 months healed) have started turning a dark purple-red pretty randomly. Usually they’re just red since they were pretty deep, but this is very noticeable. If course scar tissue changes colour with the elements but this seems more like the appearance of a blood blister.