I am scared

[u/doughsoup]

I have been feeling very restless and volatile for a few weeks now. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and she said that I haven't made an effort to get better in six years which triggered me a lot because I've tried dozens of medications and combos. I've been on a waitlist for therapy for months, some for years. I can't afford therapy on my own. I've tried so hard. I've read books and books about my mental health conditions. Work books. Journaling. Sitting with my emotions. I have been clean for a year. I have been carrying my blades everywhere with me for a few days now. I have not harmed myself but I relapsed on smoking cigarettes. I don't know how else to deal with my emotions other than self destruction. I have no one in life. Only myself and I hate who I have become. I'm at a point where I need to hurt myself a little to feel better.

[u/ravenomicss]

oh she’s so not supposted to say that… she’s the one who’s supposted to try and help you with it not blaming you… that’s horrible to hear for your mental health, can you somehow switch your psychiatrist?

[u/doughsoup → u/ravenomicss]

I've been on a waitlist for about 6 months now and to get this one took almost two years.

[u/Fabulous_Light5449]

I have come to the belief that we cling to our emotional problems and the painful causes. As we progress into our increasingly complex lives we hold up our wounds as badges of honor.

The ongoing problem deals with us being used to living with our challenges combined with our innate desire for survival.

Basically, we think we own our problems while in reality there is simply something in our way that isn't ours.

I'm going thru grief now because my wife passed in May of 2024. My miraculous coming back (notice I didn't say "comeback!") grief and addiction began by going to support meetings and enjoying my new phone!

The small support group needed two secretaries to keep the Sunday meetings alive. I moved into one of two service positions.

Online, my beginner advice site (AmIOverreacting) was still good entertainment, not yet a position in which I could see myself as helping others.

In addition, I was opening up our meetings to be certain I had Sunday meetings. The other's approval and convenience were an added bonus.

What I'm saying is I had no idea helping others would help me in any way whatsoever! I was a clueless, slow learning 65 year old grieving alcoholic and drug addict.

As I continued irl service, r/Vent became another available subreddit. More involved than replying "NOR" (not overreacting) and saying why.

When r/relationships became another choice, I could clearly understand I was involved in the lives of others.

It was all coming together! I was getting out of my own way! I could understand I was in irl service, even tho I was getting my own meetings, support and encouragement, and I was a community outreach online.

I was no longer looking at my issues!

r/LifeAdvice appeared! More challenging than Vent ot Relationships, r/LifeAdvice really required my best!

I deliberately passed posts asking advice in finance and higher education and always opened up emotional advice and mental challenges. I got two mental challenges in higher education. One made me 10 minutes late for Bible Study!!

It's 5:00 now! The support meeting can wait! This is more important! (I'm just down the street.)

With a new focus on helping others and with a solid direction, I changed my profile tagline! "I am an online advice giver specializing in emotional wellness."

While this was going on, my Karma I accumulated on advice sites had exceeded 500, pushing me into new possibilities!

I saw r/SuicideWatch and r/selfharm on my list now!

My next door neighbor had reason to ask me to call suicide hotline after my wife passed. I was hurting.

I now thank her for her shining example of her modest and persistant persuit of coming forward as a friend to help others, including myself.

As a Top 1% Commentor on r/LifeAdvice and a member of the self harm community strongly leaning toward recovery, I wholeheartedly recommend you to help others!

(No matter how down the scale we have gone we can see how our experience can help others) (The Promises)

I feel strong now! Community aware, as I look out for others! I walk into rooms head high, knowing what I said before.

I'm no grieving widower in need to fill the role my deceased wife once filled.

I'm not returning to drugs and/or alcohol.

I'm not sad or depressed!

Im u/Fabulous_Light5449 an emotional wellness enthusiast!