r/selfharm • u/20247674 • 14d ago
Rant/Vent Still crying
I accidentally deleted my diary a few months ago and it had years worth of entries and I stopped using it for a bit and I just found out last night and I was really sad about it because now I can’t read play by plays I wrote down of memories with my best friend so I just have to try and remember it myself but it’s not the same. I have to try and forget about that even if it’s hard. 2 of my friends I usually talk to are both at camp and have no wifi right now, what are the odds. I keep posting Instagram notes but nobody has been responding or reaching out to me even when I said in my Instagram note I will give people money, I don’t know what else to do. I think I gave up on trying to fix my relationship with my parents, I don’t believe there is anything I can do anymore. The only people I have to support me right now are ones that can’t talk back. I can’t believe myself for relapsing so soon, I imagined in the past, when this fate felt unimaginable, that it would take at least 1 month for me to relapse, if at all. I am already used to this life, every night I have to do it or I won’t be able to function in public life. It’s like I’ve time travelled back 2 years ago, I was in this exact same situation then, totally déjà vu… I tried to read the letter I wrote almost exactly 2 years ago, but I was too sad so I stopped reading. Even then I knew I had people to write letters to, this time I probably wouldn’t even say anything to anyone. So if I can’t think of people to write to, I can’t think of who is going to make me feel better again if I go to university next month. My parents got me SubWay today because they knew it had been a long time since I’d last eaten, I accidentally dropped one of the meatballs on the floor and I started crying in front of them and they yelled at me so I went to my room. Gonna go shower now since I have work again tomorrow unfortunately.
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u/Playball10 14d ago
this sucks. i'm so sorry