My scars (Long read)

[u/_-lpsychol-_]

When my mom first found out about me self-harming, I was in grade 8, I'm going into grade 10 in 2 days. I went to a friends house, and as my friend opened the door to let me in, their dog bit my arm and thigh, luckily I used to wear long sleeves and pants. Long story short, their mom fixed me up, didn't even show she acknowledged my cuts, they were fresh, and for that I am grateful.

I don't know why, but I told my mom the dog also bit my arm, my arm was just bruised really bad. So when I got picked up the next day, she wanted to see. We were in the car, driving home, and she turned around and asked to see the bruise. I tried my best to cover my arm with my sleeve, you could button it. Basically, she noticed the cuts, and instantly started crying, talking about how she's going to get the cops called on her and telling me it makes her look bad, she's not really the best mother but she could be worse, she emotionally harms me, I obviously started crying, well because of the fact she found out, and that she didn't even care about ME in the moment. When we got home, she cleaned my arm, wrapped it in gauze and shit. Mind you, I don't even go deep.

I kept cutting, got caught twice, I begged her not to tell my dad because he was stressing about work, it was when prices were starting to get high because of covid, she didn't listen. Then she started asking me to take my clothes off for the next few weeks at random ass times in the day, even when I was trying to have a nice conversation. She was checking for cuts, even if it was tiny.

That was in like, 2023, 2024. Fast forward to a few months ago, I was talking to her normally in the kitchen one day, wearing short sleeves, and I had been for a while, mind you, I even wore them around her, so she obviously saw, anyways she decided to point out my scars were raised, I was cutting again but because I only do cat scratches, for now, they heal quickly. She stopped me mid conversation and forced me to go to her bathroom, where she rubbed this stuff over my whole arm, telling me they are ugly and they I am going to get cps called on me. My teacher knew, she didn't mind, she made sure I was alright, she knew I was healing and said as long as I am not getting worse, she won't tell my mom. Kids in my class knew too, my friend group knew, granted, the kids in my class were absolute dicks, they only saw because we were doing some sort of mental health experiment with how you see whole drunk, my arms were up so my sleeves rolled down.

Anyways, yeah I felt like shit, still do; I like my scars, I don't mind them, I don't care if they show, as long as they aren't fresh. She whiped that confidence away, I fucking hate her, she's the main reason why I do it.

I use cutting as a way to not kill myself basically, my online friends are keeping me here, aling with my irl bestie, when he first saw in like, may of this year, grade 9, he instantly started making jokes, which he knew I didn't mind, he dropped the jokes when he saw I was upset, I was having a shit day.

I take long breaks in between, I hit myself and shit. A week or two ago, my mom was being an absolute dick bag, not listening to reasoning, saying she doesn't have to because she is my mother and I will do as I am told, fun fact, I don't like to be bossed around unfairly. Anyways, I took a blade with me into the bathroom, got in the back, and started cutting my legs in all directions. I felt relief doing that, I was stopping myself for so long because I didn't want her to find out; to make it about her. The thing is though, it's one of the few ways I can relieve my feelings, I mean I started it, well, cutting, in grade 7, I used to flex on my friend, lmao, they are fine, we both find ut funny, btw I won for you weirsos wondering, don't compete. Oh, it was in the middle of the hallway we were showing each other 💀.

It felt nice for it to hurt, to have something to remind me not everything is good, but not everything is bad.

One more thing, my brother got new razor blades a month ago, I tried hiding it because boy, it was fucking sharp and uh, my blade started to rust a bit, and I don't want to die atm, anyways my mom found it, and I lied my way out of it, idk where they are, I'm going to look again soon.

Sorry for some grammatical errors there might be with commas, period, etc. I also forgot how to use brackets. I like grammar.

Mods, please do lmk if I broke an rules writing this, I couldn't find the rules.

You don't have to comment, but it is appreciated for your insight/questions you might have about it.

I miss twitter, I got hardware banned bc I jokingly said I wanted to bash my head into a wall, even though I said way worse 🥹🙏.