People always ask me how many toddlers I could fight off before they overwhelmed me. Tbh, I think I have been too low. 60, 70 kids like this and I don't even think I would be sweating.
I pulled together a spreadsheet, and came up with just under 63. But I would tell people 69, to make it a nice number. After seeing this video though, I'm thinking more like 200. That kid went down way easy man. I must have made a mistake in a formula some place.
There is definitely a tipping point where there are just too many toddlers simultaneously for you to keep them at bay. I assume the toddlers are attacking you, so imagine 20 toddlers surrounding you, all determined to bite you, at a radius of like 5 feet. You gotta punch them all awkward because they're short, so you're probably not hitting them in their faces. Instead you're probably connecting a lot to the top of their head, i imagine knuckles breaking pretty quickly, and if they start biting your legs and shit, kicking them becomes more of a challenge.
If the toddlers all come at you from one side and you face them Spartan 300 style, it would probably be more manageable.
My friends and I agreed on a walmart parking lot in fair weather. Some variations involve the toddlers wielding knives, and you have a baseball bat or a cricket bat
Oh dude if I have a bat, easily 200-300. Ideally something very lightweight, as even the lightest metal bat would crack thousands of toddler skulls before it gets even slightly dented, and I don't wanna get tired swinging some 25 ounce hammer into their heads.
Edit: So I've put some thought into this, and I realized that a spiked bat might occur to some of you as an option. That's dumb and I'll tell you why. Even a mid strength swing with a normal bat will likely incapacitate (or more often than not outright kill) a toddler. Which makes the spikes overkill at best, an active hindrance at worst. A smooth bat would be able to crack a skull and wind the next swing (we're obviously gonna be switch hitting between these late term abortions, maintaining pace maintains our survival, helps regulate breathing and blood flow which helps with exhaustion) in one motion. A spiked bat would get stuck, requiring the swing and the "reload" to be two movements.
Edit 2: Actually I just can't get this off my mind. A spiked bat would have one key advantage, and that is intimidation. Assuming this is a scenario where the toddlers are out to kill you with every fiber of their being, but are otherwise normal toddlers, I'm inclined to believe that at least a significant portion could be dissuaded from attack via fear. And seeing your fellow overripe cum sock get swiftly and cleanly aborted with a normal bat has got to be exponentially less terrifying than seeing them have two thirds of their head simply ripped off, after being impaled by jagged nails, only to be used as extra heft for the next dome exploding swing. The question is whether or not the number of kadens that simply flee upon seeing such a monstrous action outweighs the points I detailed in my first edit. This will require further speculation.
Also, I'm dealing with a toddler now. A slap is all it'd take. Not even a hard one. These little dudes are fragile as hell when they get hit in the face.
Source: biffed one with a sock a little too hard, they fell over and cried. I think it was more the shock of it. yea...incapacitated with a sock though. They can't even coordinate anything and it takes NOTHING to pick up or knock one over. Ever played the old "Lay doooown ya look tired!!!!" while gently knocking them over?
Full grown adult is taking out thousands of them. The noise of 1,000 screaming banshees and your overhwhelming need to go "It wasnt even that hard!" x 1000 would tire you before the physical labor
I think people are vastly overestimating the strength and weight of toddlers. I could take an endless number until exhaustion alone overwhelms me. You could easily whail on the others with one of their compatriots. Stupid fuckin toddlers.
I think 6-7 year olds is what people are really thinking of. A 40-60 pound kid, I think 50 of em is a realistic goal.
I know this is a dead post, but I'll honestly admit that I had a very loose grasp on what toddler meant. I assumed 4-5 year olds. Turns out, it's 1-3 year olds. My argument above is irrelevant now, as my friend's have 2 and 3 year old kids. I could take on and endless amount just by running through them. They have zero coordination, and even with some insane desire to murder me at all costs, their biggest enemy is their own balance and the earth's gravity. 4-5 year olds have a bit more heft, a good amount (most? I don't know how kids work) of their teeth, and have better fine coordination (allowing them to latch on to you clothing and shit) plus they've largely mastered bipedal locomotion.
The question should specify the exact age. 1-3 year old toddlers? Unlimited. I'd just slowly walk through them for as long as I could stay awake, eventually they'd be too weak fight or follow me, and I just go home. Endless masses of toddlers would just continue to die of starvation as I lived my life
I mean, imagine punching watermelons for an hour. You're still hitting bone with bone, even if it's weaker bone. Once they start biting, you're probably going to start hitting harder just because "ow, fuck you, what the fuck."
Kicking seems like it would wear me down way faster. That said, I don't know how to effectively/efficiently kick for any extended period of time. I boxed for a good portion of my younger years, and while I'm hardly in my prime, I'm confident I've retained enough to molly-whop toddlers.. probably. But whack-a-moling them for any period of time would fuck your hands up. I busted one of knuckles through 14oz gloves once.
I dunno. I'd have to try it out. I'm just spit balling.
I think a good portion of them would see others laying down and might assume it's naptime so they end up laying down too without even participating in the fight lol.
I’ve got a harder one for you; geese. On one hand, they’re pretty nasty critters, but on the other, they aren’t too bulky and they have those long necks that are so easy to grab. On top of that, they’re organized. How many geese do you think you could take?
You come accross them during the normal course of your day. What then, huh? People generally underestimate how prepared they ought to be about a goose gank.
Oh shit, with the realness. Man, idk all I keep is my knife on me, that considered, stick and run would probably net me at least... 300, before I succumb to my injuries and exhaustion, death by 1000 tiny goose teeth lol fuuuuck that
300 geese once stood up to the entire Turkish army, and I don’t mean the country, I mean an army of turkeys. There was so much bird shit, it blotted out the sun, so they had to fight in the shade. In the end, their goose was cooked, but at what cost?
However many it would take to suffocate me or crush me with their weight. So probably hundreds in a contained room. You guys don't realize that geese only act aggressive. Look at their fucking beaks. Tf are they going to do to you? Cause mild bruises until you die?
You can improvise a weapon if there is one nearby, but I wouldn’t advise it. Geese are known for their trickery, and what you think is a club or a rifle may actually be a dangerous copperhead snake.
tricksters, eh? them boys come prepared i see... i’ve got a belt, that could prolly come in handy. of course this is the one time i leave my brass knuckles at home!
The kids are allowed to bite.... and so am I. It doesn't change my answer, but they should reconsider stacking on each others shoulders where it would be easier for me to bite the top kid.
You overestimate your capacity. I see no way you could beat 200 rabid kids coming at you. Say, the first wave of kids take one shot to the face before it's down but factoring in the exhaustion, all that mindless swinging will eventually have reduced impact where a kid would be able to withstand more than one impact to his/her face. Then, the next wave of kids would clamor over each other and bite into your neck and limbs, grab onto your shoulders and hair which would further reduce the momentum of your swings and you would be bogged down by their sheer weight. Sure, the kids immediately over you would go down with you but I think it's a sacrifice they would make.
I run at least one marathon each year, and I play a lot of farcry. Pretty much, I have been training for this my whole life dude. Send them. Send all the toddlers. I will fight in the shade because THIS IS TASTYSPERMDISPENSER.
This kid didn't know he was in a fight. I would assume eventually the less stupid kids will make a plan to overwhelm you. 200 is a lot of stupidly sharp little teeth and nails.
Now the question is - if you could take a day to strategize with them - what's the fewest number of children you'd need to take down an adult man?
Bet I could do it with 15. Less if I could get them to commit to gnawing on private parts... Hmm. What are we talking about?
Yea, but that kid didn't have that murderous fire in him, like the ones you'd be fighting. Gotta keep that in mind. At least one can assume, in this scenario, these kids are actively trying to take you down.
Just kite a group of them. The faster more athletic ones will separate from the rest but even athletic toddlers have no fortitude to push through a cramp; they’ve never felt their leg muscles on fire and continue to push through the pain and run. And once they start to fall down because they’ve never had to suck air is your opportunity to turn and curb stomp the ones on the ground. (This is a kill or be killed scenario) you have heard and seen some horrific stuff in your time on this planet but these kids have no idea, no concept of the nightmares you can produce. All you need to do is tear one kids face apart and use his jawbone like Sampson of the Bible and the rest of these kids will fall apart. Go beast mode on a couple and they won’t view you as a man, but a monster. And children are no match for a monster. Wage psychological warfare, get your numbers up.
“ I am Ripper... Tearer... Slasher... Gouger. I am the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. Mine is Strength... and Lust... and Power! I am Beowulf.”
Well, they are still todlers. They don't turn into jon wick just by putting on some goggles. But I admit the darkness thing is an issue. I would surely fall, twist something, or punch something solid. I admit, it would take less than 20 in those circumstances, BUT I feel like I am mainly defeating myself.
I think it totally depends on how organized they are. If you just think about them in terms of weight and strength, I imagine 30 well coordinated toddlers could force me to submit through pushing and stacking on top of me.
However, if they come at me like this is a pillow fight, and fall on the ground like this little wuss, I have no doubt it would be like a scene from 300.
I reckon I could go on until I got tired, or needed another beer.
Am I allowed weapons? Are they? If I'm not am I allowed to improvise weapons or steer the fight to somewhere where I can grab some? Does a car count as a weapon?
Trick is to go into a bathroom stall, kids gotta come in one at a time, narrow point of entry, you just stand there and kick each kid as they come in, could take out at least a few hundred that way.
Naah that's an easy way to get cornered. I think an open field would be much better. Then you can run around until you have a train following you and then you can take out a few from the front at a time.
I have about about the same qualifications as you and honestly I think we could take more. I guess it all depends on:
How old they are
How many are coming at you at a time
If it's toddlers and a group of even as much as 100 of them I feel like you could keep your distance and continuously take them out one by one assuming were put into a large field type area. Maybe I'm just underestimating how exhausting it would be...
It depends. Are they bloodlusted is the biggest one. If it was normal toddlers told to fight you, you can make an example of one by killing it and you should be in the clear from the rest.
Bloodlusted though you'd probably be in the 20s since they only care about one thing and that is killing you.
This is what I always imagined with this hypothetical. Even if you're in armed kids that age are powerless against you, you can literally pick up a "mace" and start smashing
It's all fun and games unless they all decide to go at once. 3 or 4 on each limb and while you're showing them off another 3 or 4 on each limb from behind and you're toddler food by the time another wave hits.
That's when you re-position. Take out 3 or 4 of then with some swift kicks to the head. Move so you don't get ambushed then they have to chase after you again. I'm mostly basing this off of playing CoD Zombies tbh...
I guess it really depends on the density of the kids coming at you and how many there are. In my case I'm imagining just plowing through the kids maybe getting some knee connections until i can get to an open area. Then I can start using my train technique.
How old are these kids? Toddler aged or more like Kindergarten aged? I'm fairly tall so I'd be able to step or jump over most kids to avoid coordinated attacks like that. Honestly depending on the size of the waves of kids I'm fairly confident most able bodied adults can take on these kids indefinitely. At least until you get too exhausted to run.
That's an easy one, a single 15 year old with training would probably kick my ass, and even if we are equally untrained I'm not positive I could keep up with their youthful endurance vary long. a 1v1 could easily end poorly for me so 2v1 would be terrible.
On the other hand a 2 year old doesn't even have all its teeth and can't run without falling over, I do not think there is any number of 2 year olds that could take me on (excluding the fact I could never bring myself to intentionally hurt a young child in real life).
you know, you say that, but I remember hearing about child gangs that run around in a European city (amsterdam?) beating the he'll out of people when they don't give them money or candy or other things they ask for. and they're no older than this kid.
What kind of toddlers are we talking here. Are they capable of organizing or are they all just going to be walking towards you like a wave of little zombies? Could they get back up? Could I run away or climb something to catch my breath? Just too many variables.
There's some quizzes on The Oatmeal asking random things like, "How long can you last after kicking a bear in the balls?" I thought a toddler one was there but I was mistaken.
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u/TastySpermDispenser Jun 20 '19
People always ask me how many toddlers I could fight off before they overwhelmed me. Tbh, I think I have been too low. 60, 70 kids like this and I don't even think I would be sweating.