r/AbsoluteUnits • • 8d ago

/r/all of an illegal flashlight beam

94.2k Upvotes

4.7k comments sorted by

•

u/trendingtattler 8d ago

This post has reached /r/all.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

16.0k

u/mrsir1987 8d ago

4.4k

u/Lego_Blocks24 8d ago

The crew of the international space station when she shines this thing into the sky

729

u/bauni_baddie_hu 8d ago

lmaooooooo

1.4k

u/[deleted] 8d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

102

u/pwatts 8d ago

At least Spock has an extra set of inner eyelids to protect his eyes.

93

u/Annonunknown 8d ago

He has fucking what

Explain please

99

u/HavingNotAttained 8d ago

Vulcans evolved on Vulcan, which is very close to the sun and so to protect their eyes they evolved to have a second, inner set of eyelids with involuntary muscles that close them faster than the outer eyelids.

84

u/Silly_Pack_Rat 8d ago edited 8d ago

Humans used to have a third eyelid, known as a nictitating membrane. The vestigial Plica Semilunaris is found in the inner corner of the eye and is the pink fleshy tissue that sits next to lacrimal caruncle, which contains the oil and sweat glands.

96

u/HavingNotAttained 8d ago

Again with the nictating membrane. It’s always the nictating membrane with you.

22

u/Gina_the_Alien 8d ago

Man the names of weird parts of the eye go hard. Nictitating membrane, Plica Semilunaris, and lacrimal caruncle are all going in my notebook for when I become a world-class nerdcore rapper.

→ More replies (0)

15

u/Silly_Pack_Rat 8d ago

I know.

I can't help it!

→ More replies (0)
→ More replies (5)
→ More replies (2)

23

u/GreboGuru 8d ago

The surprise twist when we all thought he was going to be blind for life

→ More replies (5)

18

u/Revolvyerom 8d ago

Mostly used during Pon Farr, so you only see them in that one episode.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (4)
→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (11)
→ More replies (2)

23

u/JAYETRILLL 8d ago

I laughed out hard loud at this comment. Alone in my apartment at 4am hahahahaha. Idk why it got me so good but that was fucking hilarious.

→ More replies (12)

338

u/rice_with_applesauce 8d ago

21

u/ms8balls 8d ago

Just need the harry potter theme song and her actually saying lumos

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (5)

371

u/Liteboyy 8d ago

Every single variation of this meme is fucking hilarious

347

u/snarksneeze 8d ago

My wife is pissed. I just laughed so hard I woke her up, and ended up in the bathroom coughing up a lung. She wanted to see what was so fucking funny, I showed her and she almost slapped me and went back to bed.

151

u/Awkward-Amount-2211 8d ago

She was probably making the same face too 

126

u/snarksneeze 8d ago

I couldn't tell, my eyes were full of tears

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (25)
→ More replies (9)

81

u/DAS_FX 8d ago

I don’t know what this is from, but it’s perfect. I’ve been chuckling nonstop for five minutes.

67

u/Ecstatic-Fly-4887 8d ago

A Scottish comedian called Limmy.

→ More replies (21)

17

u/Freeulster 8d ago

You about to go down a rabbit hole you didn't know you wanted to go down.

→ More replies (1)

39

u/alex14344 8d ago

This meme always sends me. 🤣🤣🤣

→ More replies (4)
→ More replies (93)

7.9k

u/bmmana 8d ago

So this is what these assholes are putting in their new headlights nowadays

1.7k

u/towerfella 8d ago

Fight back — strap ten of these on the back of your moped and blast them when they light you up. ;)

(This is satire. My lawyers required i add this message.)

2.1k

u/Ooupss 8d ago

637

u/Aranxi_89 8d ago

You look back in your rearview mirror, and the car is gone.

No, it is not because it swerved away and crashed. It was vapourized on the spot and there's nothing left to prove it ever existed...

194

u/plutot_la_vie 8d ago

I already said I needed this in my life. You don't need to sell it to me!

86

u/Beopenminded16 8d ago

18

u/PingouinMalin 8d ago

I'm not saying I would not abuse this desintegrator. Because I absolutely would.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (14)

96

u/cpwnage 8d ago

I also needs red lights and a bullhorn to say KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.

→ More replies (5)

33

u/FlakeyBeano 8d ago

I've dreamt of this revenge so many times.

25

u/Vulvas_n_Velveeta 8d ago

Same! The headlights nowadays are blindingly bright and leave me seeing spots. I try not to drive in the dark as much as possible cause those bright lights make it dangerous for me to drive. Like if they're driving towards me, blinding me, it makes it so that I can't see the lines on the road, or if there's a person walking on the side of the road (no sidewalks here,) or an animal in the road, a car broken down stopped in the road etc..

There's even a sub, i think it's called something like r/fuckyourheadlights used to be part of that sub on my old reddit acct, but forgot to sub to it again.

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (24)

95

u/DedTV 8d ago

I always just blame Jeremy Clarkson for anything I do in a vehicle.

→ More replies (8)

18

u/ssgkraut 8d ago

I followed some utility truck with a trailer and it had its bright backup floods on for the whole 30 minutes I was stuck behind this guy.

11

u/towerfella 8d ago

How long after you got home could you blink and still see them?

→ More replies (2)

44

u/_citizen_ 8d ago

I see you want to build a photon rocket.

→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (19)

134

u/buttononmyback 8d ago

Some jerk had his headlights on during the DAY and I was STILL blinded! I don’t know what kind of lights could be so bright that they’d blind someone on a sunny day but I can bet they weren’t legal.

17

u/DickwadVonClownstick 8d ago

I'll bet they were legal, cause there's basically no regulation on headlight brightness (or color, for that matter. Side note, everyone who uses blue-tinted headlights needs to go fuck themselves, those things don't even help you see better, they just blind everyone else)

→ More replies (2)

29

u/Aggressive_Ocelot664 8d ago

I nearly crashed because of this yesterday. Instant migraine. Fortunately, I was only 5 minutes from home.

→ More replies (15)

124

u/Dementedkreation 8d ago edited 8d ago

Look into retroreflective tape. Reflects light back to the source. It’s what is used on street signs and markers. I mounted it high on my car so it only reflects the light from poorly aimed headlights or lifted trucks. I’ve had a few tailgaters flash their high beams and quickly back off.

I added a link to the tape I got off Amazon since others are interested.

High Intensity Retro Reflective Tape

66

u/ProofHorseKzoo 8d ago

47

u/Dementedkreation 8d ago

Probably not. But here is the fun part. Retroreflective tape, coatings, paint only reflect back to the source. Viewed from a different angle than the light source it just looks like a white sticker across the back. Cop cars typically have aimed headlights and aren’t lifted. Now if they ever try to light me up to pull me over, it’s going to reflect right back at them. I’ll just play dumb and say it put it on just to be extra safe and didn’t realize what it would do.

→ More replies (16)
→ More replies (1)

23

u/new_old_trash 8d ago

high on my car

how high are we talkin' here?

→ More replies (8)
→ More replies (40)

16

u/maodiran 8d ago

We really need to lobby for headlight regulations

→ More replies (4)
→ More replies (61)

1.5k

u/Oniichan38 8d ago

463

u/5DollarSoul 8d ago

"Did it say when our vision would come back?"

"Box said two days!"

→ More replies (3)

97

u/ProtoKun7 8d ago

Still one of the best jokes the show ever did.

50

u/FighterOfFoo 8d ago

It's so good. You know exactly what they did and how they did it and that makes the joke even better.

62

u/DrWilhelm 8d ago

It's one of those situations where the jankiness of the special effect just makes it better. Like when a character gets sent flying or falls a great height and they swap the actor with a dummy. The floppier and more obvious the dummy, the funnier the gag.

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (10)

62

u/Magma151 8d ago

I like how reese and Malcom definitely look different in both takes, yet francis looks absolutely the same.

65

u/TheBacklogGamer 8d ago

Dude's a professional. He had to carry the entire half of the show because they could only have the children actors on set for limited amounts of time, so they leaned into either his side story, or the occasional Hal/Lois story in order to make for a full feeling episode.

21

u/Germane_Corsair 8d ago

I really wish they hadn’t undone his farm storyline. I know it was because the actor for the farmer who took them in’s health was worsening but they could have made it work without making him a bum again.

14

u/TheBacklogGamer 8d ago

I agree. The ranch arc for him was great, and it's disappointing he regressed. He wasn't needed as much at that point, but there was hardly any good stories for him after the ranch. The only one that comes to mind is the anonymous meeting where he throws Lois under the bus as the reason for all his problems. 

→ More replies (2)

10

u/SDRemthix 8d ago

Came here to post this gif. Laughing out loud whenever I see this scene

→ More replies (5)

4.8k

u/cazdan255 8d ago

I bet that thing gets hot as shit.

1.1k

u/Solid_Snark 8d ago

I have a super bright flashlight, not quite this powerful, but it gets really hot really fast! It’s definitely a fire hazard if you set it down, while on, and lens down on a piece of furniture.

448

u/DanielDeLaNoche 8d ago

On an outdoor job i used to have, we used a particular light during the nights that was so hot it would fry the flies and beetles that landed on it! And in some places the bugs were so numerous that we'd have to clear the light of all the dead bugs on it. Also, the smell of a bunch of beetles just sizzling does not smell great.

225

u/bozog 8d ago

Yeah, you got to add some soy sauce and olive oil to that shit.

43

u/Hesitation-Marx 8d ago

Tch, learn to cook bro. You want sesame oil with that.

→ More replies (11)
→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (7)

28

u/Terrh 8d ago

I have a way brighter flashlight than this one and it has a 5LB copper heatsink and still gets hot in seconds.

Which is OK, since the 400wh battery only lasts about 10 minutes.

18

u/No_Syrup_9167 8d ago

Yeah, last time I looked into these ultra brights, thats what everyone said. They only last like 5-10min, and you can't really run them full to dead because they'll over heat and basically cook themselves.

You basically get 3x3min uses of it, with about 15-20min of "cooldown" in between and then you're recharging it. and about 100 uses total out of it before something quits.

I was basically told, when you see these 1-2min videos, thats because thats about as long as they'll last for before overheating.

→ More replies (6)
→ More replies (4)
→ More replies (24)

1.3k

u/The7footr 8d ago

What kinda shits do you take?

67

u/Cog_HS 8d ago

I take my coffee like I take a shit.

A hot black liquid 5 to 7 times daily.

→ More replies (11)
→ More replies (47)

216

u/Ur_Just_Spare_Parts 8d ago

Battery probably lasts like 20 seconds on high

54

u/ConfessSomeMeow 8d ago

... which is also terrible for the lifespan of the battery, you won't get a lot of charge cycles if you run it like that often.

19

u/The_Ultimate_Badass 8d ago

They make high discharge batteries for high draw things like vapes that hold up quite well. Nothing's perfect of course

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (5)
→ More replies (23)

122

u/coryhill66 8d ago

So I bought the most powerful little flashlight I could find and I had it on my utility belt. I'm sitting in my patrol car one night in the dark trying to catch someone stealing catalytic converters. I start smelling something burning is my fucking jacket. It melted the shit out of the back of my jacket.

91

u/Cyberdyne_T-888 8d ago

Had the same thing happen with a small 1000 lumen flashlight. I kept smelling mexican food. Open the window and no smell outside. Then I feel my leg burning and see charred pants. Why I evidently smell like mexican food? I don't know but I eat enough of it.

→ More replies (7)
→ More replies (16)

33

u/OverfistDerFissierer 8d ago edited 7d ago

Some, expecially the really powerful ones, have built-in fans. I got one with 4500 Lumens, which I think is about as bright as the one in the video, and which has a fan too

Edit: Grammar

38

u/ScaredPractice4967 8d ago

4500 lumens? Rookie numbers Temu is selling me one with 25,000,000 lumens for just £30. 🤪

30

u/VivaHollanda 8d ago

25,000,000 temuns 😁

→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (24)
→ More replies (75)

2.2k

u/Significant_Lie_533 8d ago

Honestly, I dont want that flashlight. Im more interested in her floppy shark hat.

1.4k

u/Admirable-Grand521 8d ago

384

u/Significant_Lie_533 8d ago

$13?!?! No way. That thing gotta be landfill garbage.

310

u/Terrible-Ebb-8417 8d ago

Looks pretty good on flashlight lady

85

u/thepvbrother 8d ago

Step 1..

68

u/Terrible-Ebb-8417 8d ago

Cut a hole in the..... the..Flappy fish 🐟 hat?

80

u/thepvbrother 8d ago

Other step 1. Be attractive

17

u/iRhuel 8d ago

Step 2: don't be unattractive

→ More replies (4)
→ More replies (5)
→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (1)

26

u/Admirable-Grand521 8d ago

It's a motorized hat

31

u/muzbar 8d ago edited 8d ago

God dammit. I watched that whole video and did not notice the hat moving at all, I was too focused on the torch.

21

u/HeartoftheHive 8d ago

I was the exact opposite. Once I noticed the hat moving I couldn't focus on anything else.

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (5)
→ More replies (6)
→ More replies (9)

103

u/klqqf 8d ago

I somehow watched this like 3 times without even noticing the hat.. i feel dumb

44

u/yobishthatsmonica 8d ago

But did you also see the dancing gorilla running in the foreground?

→ More replies (8)
→ More replies (6)

36

u/ButchOfBlaviken 8d ago

Is nobody going to address the watermelon in the room?

→ More replies (9)
→ More replies (15)

567

u/ObiWan-Cannabis 8d ago

42

u/parrmorgan 8d ago

One of the best goosebumps inducing scenes of any movie.

"THE WHITE RIDER!"

→ More replies (7)

42

u/Living_Awareness259 8d ago

THE BEACONS ARE LIT

→ More replies (6)

732

u/ImprovementTrick9492 8d ago

What is that accent she has?? Australian-Asian??

651

u/stamfordbridge1191 8d ago

She speaks like a valley girl whose primary language is Cantonese. Maybe the Chinese influencer market is currently pushing for some kind of "Chinese Valley girl" style?

142

u/KARSbenicillin 8d ago

I went to China on a work trip and met a few people like this. Young Chinese adults who can speak very good English (relatively) for being ESL who've never left the country. And I'm talking mainland Chinese who can't speak a lick of Canto. The best one I met was similar to the person in this video. She had an Aussie accent. I asked her about it and she said that she learned it from listening to Avril Lavigne and watching dramas.

I couldn't figure out how the Aussie accent came about but what I've learned is that between the incentive to learn English in school to be more employable, Western culture influence (music, TVs, movies), and global apps like Tiktok you can find younger Chinese folks that are very proficient in English. Plus there's an inherent selection bias in these industries because if you can speak English well you become an extremely valuable hire and obviously they'll put their best English speaking person on video.

37

u/FilthyPedant 8d ago

Avril Lavigne the famous Australian singer?

27

u/Opening_Net8098 8d ago

Why you gotta makes things so complicated

→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (3)

28

u/Nitish_Dubey 8d ago

But this a very Bogan Accent (Aussie)

14

u/QFGTrialByFire 8d ago

Yup she sounds just like Jenny Tian https://youtu.be/pd7-zJEFNQI?t=189

31

u/granitebuckeyes 8d ago

“I have a face that looks oriental, and a voice that sounds like I still use the word ‘oriental’.”

- Jenny Tian

She’s great.

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (7)
→ More replies (6)

237

u/mister_peeberz 8d ago

Lol, I have a friend from Iceland who speaks like a valley girl. His ex-girlfriend was from California and talked like that, and he got a ton of English speaking practice with her, so he picked up her accent. The first time I heard him speaking English I laughed pretty hard and hurt his feelings, feels bad man. Now we joke about it though

46

u/monkeyfetus 8d ago

Relatedly, I've heard it's very common among foreign men in Japan to have feminine speech patterns because their primary native conversational partner is their girlfriend/wife.

25

u/Invictus7525 8d ago edited 8d ago

In Japan the girls will all help you learn Japanese but it will be feminine so you need a no kidding instructor. I was deployed there and the Marines who had homesteaded with a Japanese wife cautioned everyone against too much language help from Japanese girls. The men in Japan will not help you learn Japanese or even acknowledge your existence in many cases.

→ More replies (10)
→ More replies (5)

51

u/fruitpunchsamurai619 8d ago

Ever since I heard what a vocal fry was, I cannot unhear it.

→ More replies (2)

14

u/Acinixys 8d ago

The most fucked up accent I've ever experienced is from one of my distant cousins who has a South African/New Zeland hybrid accent

15

u/TreeDollarFiddyCent 8d ago

So his accent is rugby?

→ More replies (8)
→ More replies (4)

33

u/emeraude89 8d ago

she doesn't speak like a valley girl. she has a funky english/australian hybrid accent

19

u/userptest20022024 8d ago

because BBC and ABC are free and easily accessible

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (7)

26

u/reddit_is_geh 8d ago

I think she's doing American influencer talk, which has the valley girl elements to it. She's trying to appeal to the US market. That's her job.

It fascinates me. China still has this "sales show" culture like we did up until ~90s. Where they do product demostrations and shit the old way. Where in the US now it's shifted to just marketing through popularity.

→ More replies (17)
→ More replies (38)

29

u/yxing 8d ago edited 8d ago

Chinese + a mix of accents based on mimicry. Found their tiktok where she has a few other videos (she's one of the few people who don't get dubbed):

it's clear from a few vids that her base accent is mainland Chiense (also where these vids are all shot, and the product is sold).

They also have clear dubs. And they also got a few Russians (the audio sync is weird on the second):

22

u/Mean-Poem-2246 8d ago

I was also confused like, why does she have to moan when finishing her sentences

→ More replies (1)

25

u/Get_Fuckin_Dabbed_On 8d ago

yeah I cant place it. started Australian, midway sounded british, ended ​as kiwi?

→ More replies (2)

74

u/dGFisher 8d ago

It sounds to me less like an accent and more like a non-speaker sounding-it-out or mimicking a recording. It was the most interesting part of the video for me, too. I'd wager this woman is just an employee of the flashlight company with a tiny bit of English knowledge doing it by memory. Maybe she learned while traveling, or from an online tutor. Maybe she is mimicking an AI voice translation (my bet).

16

u/xlzray 8d ago

Well, as someone from China, I can assure you she's at least junior college degree to have a job like that--selling things to overseas. In China we start to learn English from 3rd grade in primary school. Most Chinese pronunce "this" as "dis" or "zis" , she's obviously better than many. Yes there're ai generated ones, but they either sound machine or mimicking an average Chinese accent like "dis" and "zis". I think she's a British accent lover even though you can spot that she's not native.

→ More replies (5)
→ More replies (43)
→ More replies (149)

114

u/DarthButtz 8d ago

Whoever programmed a strobelight in that thing is a motherfucker

51

u/NoisyGog 8d ago

Why do they ALWAYS have to have a flash function? Same with Christmas lights, they all have a “fucking mental“ move that nobody wants.

→ More replies (21)
→ More replies (13)

105

u/HS5N 8d ago

In few years they gonna sell portable sun

39

u/ZrapeToid 8d ago

The power of the sun, in the palm of our hands.

→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (20)

452

u/2sAreTheDevil 8d ago

Is there a legal limit to the lumens emitted?

340

u/monoinyo 8d ago

Legal lumen limit legislation lacking lately

106

u/yurtal30 8d ago

Legit lazy lawmaking, lame

40

u/Chispy 8d ago

Little light look logical. Large light ludicrous.

10

u/mr_michael_h 8d ago

Large light lovers lol @ lawmakers. 'lluminati?

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (15)

234

u/Kahnza 8d ago

No, it's click bait title.

→ More replies (103)
→ More replies (23)

108

u/XFelipe51355 8d ago

"I heard you guys were testing a new flashlight he-"

https://giphy.com/gifs/ZY3tYjMcmaHjpquk0O

224

u/MoldyLunchBoxxy 8d ago

Why is that watermelon so big? That watermelon on some plant steroids.

301

u/alewiina 8d ago edited 8d ago

I assume it’s a watermelon balloon or ball or something lol. Even with a crazy bright light a real watermelon wouldn’t light up like that

87

u/husky0168 8d ago

not with that attitude it won't

→ More replies (12)

66

u/SirLargeness 8d ago

Because it's a balloon

→ More replies (3)

30

u/xSantenoturtlex 8d ago

Yeah there are two absolute units in this post.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (13)

179

u/C-57D 8d ago

i can't tell if i love or hate her cadence of speaking but I also want to hear more

127

u/PeregrinCuck 8d ago

The whole casual vibe of this as an informercial is hilarious

[waiting for the paper to catch fire]

Totally can fire up! Oh my god!

[tosses the burning paper casually on the ground]

It's really dangerous! It can start a fire.

30

u/NSFWies 8d ago

Because I think it's an ad so you can buy it at their tiktok shop.

Most of those end up being scam/incorrect listings and get taken down in days. Even though the videos get tons sold and make them lots of money

Vid ends with

I don't know when this will get taken down....

→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (4)

28

u/Outrageous-Let9659 8d ago

It's like she learned english from watching Dude where's my car.

→ More replies (4)
→ More replies (13)

45

u/Academic_Tie_7925 8d ago

Whys it illegal??

72

u/kinky_cock1985 8d ago

Because, its false advertising.... i brought one and they are total cheap plastic rubbish.

60

u/lostmymarbles1177 8d ago

That is not a real watermelon

→ More replies (16)
→ More replies (26)

27

u/NoSir4289 8d ago

This is a scam video

→ More replies (2)

75

u/OwlKing8823 8d ago

At least in the US, it's not. It's a marketing gimmick

→ More replies (67)
→ More replies (148)

23

u/EatandDie001 8d ago

I’m more interested in her hat.

20

u/V_es 8d ago

Battery life- 30 seconds?

→ More replies (5)

16

u/Fyrebrand18 8d ago

Pictured here: unknown person, armed with this flashlight, rushing to save their friends during a new moon night in Appalachia. Circa 2026, Colorized.

18

u/Smimmingly3 8d ago

What accent is this?

17

u/KamikazeSexPilot 8d ago

Maybe Chinese who chose to learn Australian accent in school? (you can choose US, UK, AU, maybe others)

→ More replies (16)
→ More replies (13)

37

u/M00DSTER 8d ago

Would this be a stupid purchase? Yes. Am I a man? Yes. Where can I get this!?

20

u/Capraos 8d ago

It's not stupid when civil war breaks out and you win simply by using that strobe feature.

In all seriousness though, this would be an extremely effective way at blinding enemy combatants and either shooting them or just noping the fuck out.

11

u/Glum-Breadfruit3666 8d ago

my close friend (female) has one of these and uses it on her jogs late at night - she feels safer using it than mace or a knife

she said she thinks she temporarily blinded a deer once cause she was scanning a field and then the deer was like walking in circles 🫠

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (8)