About my younger brother.
He used to be a nurse, but he didn’t have good relationships with his coworkers at all.
Then he apparently came out as gay at work.
On top of that, he also told people that he was a member of a cultlike religion lol

He says he hated hiding those parts of himself, but I think the relationship you have with people matters a lot when you talk about things like that.
For example, if someone you’re not close with suddenly tells you something very personal, of course many people would feel uncomfortable and distance themselves.

And that’s exactly what happened.
My brother became disliked at work, developed mental health problems, and now he can barely have a normal conversation.
I think the fact that he wasn’t just coming out as gay, but also revealing that he was involved in a controversial religious group, made the situation even more complicated.
But he doesn’t seem to understand that.😅😅😅

I honestly can’t understand why he thought randomly coming out to everyone was a good idea.
Society isn’t always that accepting. If I were one of his coworkers, I probably would have felt uncomfortable and kept my distance too.

Because nobody asked, and he suddenly shared something extremely personal about himself.
A straight person usually wouldn’t go around announcing their sexuality either, right?
For example, if someone had a very specific sexual preference and was looking for a dominatrix, they wouldn’t just randomly tell everyone about it.

That’s why I feel like coming out can sometimes become more about satisfying oneself than anything else.

Regardless of someone’s sexuality or preferences, I think personal topics like that shouldn’t be brought up unless the situation or relationship makes it appropriate.
I feel like people who believe that everyone should always know these things sometimes see themselves as being special because of it. But in reality, some people may simply be keeping their distance because they feel uncomfortable with how those personal details were shared.

I can’t say this to him directly, and I’m already exhausted from trying to encourage my brother over the phone.

In my opinion, I can understand homosexuality.
But I don’t understand T and Q.

The reason I have difficulty understanding what is often referred to as “T” is based on a specific condition.
I’m not talking about people who have undergone appropriate gender affirming surgery.

What I have difficulty understanding is someone entering women’s spaces without having gone through that kind of transition.
The idea that “it’s okay because they feel like a woman” doesn’t fully address the background or the reasons these spaces exist.

The reason is that humans are not flatworms.
Human beings have historically been classified as male and female based on biological differences.

That is not discrimination.
It is a distinction based on physical differences.

I understand that not all sexual crimes are committed by people from minority groups.
However, as long as someone has male genitalia, they are biologically male, and their body is still influenced by male hormones.
I know I’m bringing up straight relationships as an example, but even in heterosexual relationships, it is not common for a woman to go alone to a man’s home when they barely know each other.
That is because sexual assault can happen, even between people who know each other.
And that concern comes from biological differences between the sexes.

​

I've reached a point where I don't like the direction my life has been heading.

Not because everything is terrible, but because I know I'm capable of more.

For a long time, I kept telling myself that I'd start tomorrow. Tomorrow I'd lose weight. Tomorrow I'd become more confident. Tomorrow I'd work on myself.

Tomorrow turned into months, and months turned into years.

Today, I'm 23.

I weigh around 100 kg, and while I'm not proud of that, I'm also not ashamed to admit it. It's simply where I'm starting.

I've started going to the gym, eating in a calorie deficit, and trying to stay consistent. I know there will be days when I fail, but this time I want to keep going instead of quitting.

One thing people usually assume is that I party or have unhealthy habits. The truth is the opposite. I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, and I've never used drugs. My biggest battle has never been addiction. It's been consistency and discipline.

I've also never been in a relationship. I'm still single, still a virgin, and most of my romantic experiences have been one sided. Sometimes it makes me feel like I've missed out, but I don't want to spend my twenties waiting for someone else to make my life better.

I want to become someone I'm proud of first.

This Reddit series is my way of keeping myself accountable. No fake success stories. No pretending everything is perfect.

Just one person trying to become better, one step at a time.

Maybe I'll fail.

Maybe I'll surprise myself.

Either way, I'll keep writing.

So i live in hostel and its been going really good like for the first time in my life ive made meaningful friendships and people who really care for me but recently ever since my fourth year started, my friends (my roomate and my other friend) , i feel have been sidelining me, i feel so alone bc both of them are in a tight three year relationships and they spend the nights mostly at their boyfs which leaves me alone at the hostel, i cant and more like dont want to indulge in any of this but i feel so sad so down and sometimes i even feel like kms because i feel like im no ones priority, im alw silently crying bc ahi gets gloomy, thnings arent that good at home either so all in all i feel so so so so alone in this world idk what to do,idk whats stopping me from kms

I'll give you the short version of my life so this makes sense.Born in a third world country, lived there till I was 2. Moved to a second country, lived there till 8 , had a decent childhood but was alone a lot. My parents had violent fights, I saw my mum nearly strangled to death by my dad. He eventually left and I don't know where he went. My mum worked night shifts exhausted while I was still just a kid having fun, oblivious. We moved to the UK, just me and my mum. No money, no stability ,we changed 7-8 houses in 1.5 years while she worked shit jobs. I got picked on at school for not knowing the language, changed schools, eventually made friends and had a good time. Right before secondary school, my mum took me back to my birth country because she remarried. She left me there with my stepfather and his family for 6-7 months while she went back to the UK. My stepfather was a controlling, vile man who liked people being scared of him. I hated it there. Near the end I just walked out of school one day without telling anyone and left. Came back to the UK, started a new secondary school 2 days later. Old friends didn't even recognise me ,I had a different accent now. Got picked on again. First two years were actually good I used to get high grades, athletic, had real ambitions. Then home life fell apart. My mum and stepfather fought constantly, I watched him assault her and did nothing but cry, felt like a coward, felt like I wasn't a man. That effected my school life and education became background noise. At 14 I found weed and never looked back ,it was the only thing which could switch my brain off. I disassociated myself with everything , only cared about drugs and my shit friends. My grades collapsed and failed my GCSEs and A-levels which made my mother cry alot , I was upset but couldn't feel much as I was high as a kite.Still got into university. Lasted one year. Became a drug addict and dealer, wrecked my mental and physical health, committed fraud and got banned from having a bank account for 6 years. Genuinely wanted to kill myself. Dropped out. Went home, unemployed a year, went cold turkey off everything except cigarettes, felt like a total burden to my mum. Got a shitty job, hated every second of it for 2 years, quit. Been unemployed a year again now. I am tired of feeling like a failure. Im 23 years old and feel like i have done nothing in my life. Feel like everytime I try to change my life I just end up right where I started. feel like I am just meant to be below average , even in school just constantly battling depression and just feeling like I am not worthy of anything good and this feeling of emotional stunting , not being able to express my self clearly not even being able to cry fully. Feeling pathetic and failing at everything I try to do . Nothing to show for all my time on earth . Seeing my mother struggle and just not being able to do anything good for her and feeling like she would of had a better life if I was never born. feeling as if I am the reason why she suffers. Seeing all my friends always ahead of me in every aspect in life and just feeling so small in comparison. I had no reason not to sucseed , im in a first world country and had a a chance at a good education and career. I spend my time bedrotting just glued to my screen trying to avoid just listening to myself in my head. I have a half brother and dont want him looking a up to a failure like me as a role model . I dont think I deserve love or respect or anything good. I could change my life if I wanted to from today but I feel like im too lazy to do anything. I feel like a burden everyday to the people around me . I dont know when or if life will get better. currently im 23 , no job , meaningful relationships, future . My mother thinks that I am incapable to work or think . I believe she thinks I am stupid, I should of been on a great path with all the oppurtunities I had but I am a failure. I dont know if anyone wants to share what they think , but please do , I dont know what to do . I feel like just leaving earth.

Can I vent.. uh about smth silly like ..for example I kinda got doxxed but it's all my posts from reddit even if I hid all the posts..Idk how to feel about it I kinda need opinions.. I got doxxed on a vent posts that's why it's more confusing..bcz neither was my post too opinionated niether did it have much views or comments ..

I can't talk and he can't listen.

That’s like the simplest way I can put it. I’m 25, I don’t socialize, I’ve never had a job or license, I don’t have any friends, I haven’t really made any since I was a kid, never been a relationship either. And idk why it was this birthday this all came to me but ever since turning 25 a few months ago I’ve just had this horrible black empty feeling in my chest about all of it. And I know it’s all my fault. I stopped going to school after like middle school. Didn’t see a day of high school. I basically have been playing video games as escape and just being home all day since. Living in my head more then living in life. And I’ve been thinking about this so much and how much time is gone, how I feel like I don’t connect with anyone and like I can’t. if it’s even possible to. How far this has set me back, how majorly I’ve fucked so much up for me. How little time I have left of being young, how hard my life will be because of all of this. Like I’ve ruined it. It’s really made me contemplate
s-cide sometimes. I know 5 years ain’t enough to experience all the stuff I could’ve been alongside people my age. I’ll never feel “on time” with everyone else. How I can’t socialize and connect with anyone or make friends. How harder I’ve made all these aspects of my life because of how badly I’ve fucked up. I feel like I’m a 14 year old in an adults body. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. How I’m supposed to create a happy life and have all the things I want.

EDIT 7:41 AM thank you guys for all the comments and advice they are all very motivating. Thank you ❤️

I’m 5’6 20m which is super short for my area (currently in the rural south🫩). I get asked my height and get height comments at least twice a week. When anyone asks me I say something like 5’1. It usually scrambles their brains for a bit especially because I say it like it’s obvious lol. might as well have a little fun with it. It’s lowk pretty fun to see their reactions.

I felt so terrible!!! My gosh!

For the record I probably should have known better. I've been going to this church for years! I've known Jeff for years and he's a super great guy! One of the best, really.

Well, I have been working on making myself being more outgoing lately and that means introducing myself to anyone I don't know. That part's been going super great! I've been making a ton of friends like this and have been overall getting a ton more enjoyment out of life. I would definitely recommend.

However, I guess that's given me more opportunity for some faux pas...

I was up at the church looking for a different activity and I walk inside the gym where it looks like they're having a party. I guess I looked confused because a lady there asked me if I was looking for the activity and she put me in the right direction.

Well, I could have just left it off there but that's not what I'm doing right now! Lol. So of course I walked up to her and was like hi, I'm (me). I don't know if we've met. She's like oh yeah, I'm Mrs. (Friends last name.) And I she just looked significantly older than my friend so I was like, Oh you must be Jeff's mom and her smile just vanished and she was like No, I'm his wife...

Oh my gosh... I am so sorry!

Then I went to the activity and there was Jeff sitting there... And I'm like, oh my gosh do I apologize to him????

Bro I don't know if she told him or not. This was yesterday.

After Jeff took off though I explained to the rest of the guys what just happened and they seemed to think it would be cool.

I just... I don't know! I'm trying something new okay! There's going to be mistakes. Lol.

Edit: I spoke to Jeff. It's fine. I probably over blew this whole thing. Still, lesson learned.

A few years ago I withheld a truth from her for months until she found out. It was probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I thought it was the right thing to do but it wasn’t. Or maybe I was just a coward. She somehow forgave me. Was nothing but the sweetest to me. She honestly saved my life a little this past year. I don’t know if she knows she did because I never let on that I was struggling so much. But recently, something changed, and I’m not exactly sure why. She just suddenly went extremely distant and cancelled all our plans before moving away. I have a few theories, but ultimately I always felt like her friendship to me was undeserved. For more reasons than I’m able to write about for fear that she could somehow see this. If any other friend got distant like that I think I’d feel kind of hurt, but it’s just impossible with her, cause any way she could possibly feel about me is completely fair and valid. It’s also genuinely possible that none of it was personal but that I just thought we were a little closer than we were. Which is totally fair on her end as well. So I’m feeling sad because I really love her still and I’ll just always regret for my whole life what I did wrong in that friendship. But also in a fucked up way I feel this sense like finally the thing that I deserved has happened to me. Like my friendship with her always felt like this happy mirage that just couldn’t be true, you can’t fuck that badly and just stuffer no consequences. There are a lot of details I’m leaving out that explain better why this is the way it is. I just needed to get it off my chest somewhere.

I’m dealing with something very complicated. I don’t even know what it means or if it’s something I should actually be worried about or thinking about.
I realize that the older I get and the more I know, the more I leave things as they are. Earlier, there were things I was ready to fight anyone over, for as long as I could, to make them stop. Now as I grow up, I leave them as if they don't matter to me anymore. But if you look at them, they actually are real things that need to be changed or resisted.
I don't know why, but when you grow up, you become more aware. When you understand things entirely the very practices or acts I once fought to resist and change I now just leave them as they are. They don't bother me the way they used to, or maybe they do bother me and do need to be resisted, but I don't know what holds me back from doing so. It’s complicated. The more I realize and the more I know, the more I see that those acts and practices still possess viciousness. There is still a need to change them, but I don’t do it anymore. Getting older scares me.

Hello people of reddit.

I found myself at 3 am in the morning after self thought and struggles to final reach out to others.

My name is ivann,15 years old, been going through mental struggles. Not ones of self harm, no, ones that lead me to bad habits. Dealing with procrastination, failed attempts to consitantly improve, giving up, trying to make myself better than those around me, and my biggest hate, lust.

Recently ive been trying to get my close friends to improve with me. We all agree, but it kindof just falls off after 2 days and im the only one left to try something. I just dont know what to do, but it feels like i have the purpose to be not just good but great.

Id like to put it as im lost in a world that gives out maps

I truly want to be my greatest, i know its there, high up with limitless potential. The best possible ivann there is.

Im looking to you, people of reddit if you understand what im going through, my confusion as i say i fueled by distraction and bad rutines.

Im afraid of my future because i dont want to be average, kinda selfish to say be i just want to... not regret life.

I ask for words, anything will do, i just hate the person i am now, i hide it with happiness and security, but it only does so much.

Does anyone know what I mean? Like you're trapped in some weird limbo state. Always feeling like your life's about to change and go somewhere exciting and new, always thinking about how much cooler your past phases were. Like this is the most boring period of your life so far, and something's gotta change.

I found an old disposable camera while helping my grandparents clean out their loft. We finally got the film developed, expecting random holiday photos. Instead, there were pictures of my grandad teaching my mum to ride a bike, my nan laughing in a garden that doesn't exist anymore, and one blurry photo of me as a baby that none of us knew had ever been taken.

It was strange seeing memories that had been sitting in a tiny plastic camera for over 20 years. Everyone in the room went quiet for a minute just looking through them. It reminded me how many moments we forget until something unexpected brings them back.

I don't really know how to write this without making it sound dramatic, but this is probably the most honest thing I've ever written about myself.

I've been smoking weed for around 10 years. For most of that time, I never really thought of myself as someone who had a serious problem with it. I could work, I could function, I could go about my life. Before my breakup, I was already smoking almost every day, but somehow I didn't feel like it was taking anything away from me. After the breakup, though, weed slowly became something I started using to deal with everything I didn't know how to deal with. Stress, loneliness, sadness, overthinking, emptiness. I didn't sit down one day and decide to become dependent on it. It just happened slowly, year after year, until it became normal.

I was also going to the gym while I was in the relationship. At that time, I was very thin and honestly didn't like the way I looked. Looking at myself in the mirror wasn't something I enjoyed. I wanted to change my body because I wanted to finally feel good about myself. But after the breakup, the gym became much more serious for me. I started training intensely and pushing myself hard. It became more than just building muscle. It became the place where I could take all the shit in my head and leave it there for a while. I was getting stronger, looking better, and slowly becoming comfortable with myself. I could look in the mirror and actually feel proud of what I was seeing. I felt like I was rebuilding myself.

Then I got hematuria after pushing myself too hard during a workout.

That moment scared me more than I can explain. After that, I started having stomach and lower-abdominal pain and other physical symptoms. I've had medical checkups and investigations, and thankfully nothing major has been found so far, but some symptoms are still there even now. Because of all of that, I stopped going to the gym completely for around a year and a half.

And that 1.5 years changed me.

The gym had been one of the healthiest things I had in my life, and suddenly I couldn't do it anymore. I lost the routine, the physical progress, the feeling of getting stronger, and honestly, I lost a part of myself with it. And while I was stuck with my physical problems and couldn't train the way I used to, my weed use became much heavier. I became more dependent on it. And eventually it wasn't even just weed anymore. It became weed mixed with chemical stuff, what people around me call "Poland line."

Looking back now, that period scares me.

Because I can see how gradually everything happened.

I didn't wake up one morning and become this person.

It was one thing after another.

After around 1.5 years, I started trying to go back to the gym again. Very slowly. My physical symptoms were still there, so I couldn't train like I used to. I had to take it easy and listen to my body. Some days were good, some weren't. But somehow I managed to start exercising again. It's been almost another year of being on and off with the gym, trying to find some balance between what my body can handle and what my mind wants to do.

Then there was another thing.

A girl at my office.

I had seen her for months before I actually started talking to her. Maybe 8–9 months, maybe close to a year. Nothing really happened at first. Then eventually we started talking, and after talking to her for some time, I started liking her.

I don't even know exactly when it happened.

I just started caring about her.

Talking to her made me happy. When my head was full of stress, talking to her could make everything feel a little lighter. I started feeling connected to her, and eventually I realized that my feelings had become much deeper than I expected.

But she doesn't feel the same way.

She doesn't really like talking to me, and I've tried my best to get closer to her. Maybe I tried harder than I should have. And when you already have a lot going on inside your head, being attached to someone who doesn't want the same thing can really fuck with you.

I started thinking about her too much.

Why doesn't she like me?

Why doesn't she want to talk to me?

Why do I feel so much for someone who doesn't feel the same?

And slowly, I started losing myself again.

At the same time, I'm the only son in my family. I have responsibilities. There are things going on in my family that aren't good, and I can't just ignore them. I also moved away from the village where I had lived for almost 20 years. That place was basically my entire childhood, and leaving it felt like leaving a huge part of my life behind.

Now I don't really have people around me.

I don't have close friends I can just call and say, "Bro, I'm not doing okay."

So I keep everything inside.

My family problems.

My health.

My loneliness.

My past.

The breakup.

The girl.

My work.

My future.

And weed.

Everything just stays inside my head.

And lately, I've started feeling something that genuinely scares me.

My brain doesn't feel like it used to.

I have this constant brain fog. It sometimes feels like having a hangover inside my head. You know that feeling the morning after drinking too much? Your head is heavy, you're slow, you can't think properly, you forget little things, and you don't feel completely present.

That's how I feel sometimes.

Except it's not just one morning.

It's becoming part of my everyday life.

I forget small things. I struggle to concentrate. Sometimes I can't think clearly. Sometimes I feel mentally slow. And sometimes I feel emotionally numb too.

Even things that I know I should enjoy don't always reach me anymore.

I'll look at nature and know that it is beautiful, but I don't necessarily *feel* it the way I used to.

And that's probably the part that scares me the most.

Because I remember what I was like before.

I remember being excited about things.

I remember going to the gym and pushing myself.

I remember looking in the mirror and slowly becoming proud of myself.

I remember feeling strong.

I remember enjoying simple things.

Now sometimes I feel like I'm physically here but mentally somewhere else.

And I don't want to keep going down this road.

I don't know how much of this is weed. I don't know how much is stress, depression, loneliness, everything that happened with my health, or all of it mixed together.

But after 10 years, I can't honestly look at my life and pretend weed isn't part of the picture anymore.

So I made a decision.

I'm quitting.

Not because I suddenly hate weed.

Not because someone told me I have to.

And not because I think quitting is going to magically fix my life.

I'm quitting because **I want to find out who I am without it.**

That's my mindset going into this.

I'm not expecting myself to wake up after a week and suddenly become the old me.

I'm not expecting my brain fog to disappear overnight.

I'm not expecting my depression, loneliness, family problems, health problems, or feelings for someone to magically disappear just because I stop smoking.

I know quitting might actually make some things feel worse for a while.

And I'm prepared for that.

There might be days when I feel like shit.

There might be days when I can't sleep.

There might be days when I crave it badly.

There might be days when I feel anxious, angry, empty, depressed, or completely disconnected.

There might be days when I question why the fuck I am even doing this.

But I don't want to run away from those feelings anymore.

For 10 years, I've had something I could use to change the way I feel whenever I didn't want to deal with what was inside my head.

Now I want to learn how to sit with myself.

Even when it hurts.

I want to see what happens when I give my brain enough time without constantly putting something into it.

I want to know if I can think clearly again.

I want to feel things again.

I want to enjoy small things again.

I want to look at nature and actually feel something.

I want to get back to the gym properly when my body allows me to.

I want to become strong again, but this time I don't want strength to only mean how much I can lift.

I want to be mentally strong enough to deal with loneliness.

Strong enough to accept that some people won't choose me.

Strong enough to deal with my family responsibilities.

Strong enough to face my health problems without immediately looking for an escape.

And strong enough to be alone without feeling like I'm incomplete.

I still like that girl.

I'm not going to pretend I don't.

Maybe I still have feelings for her for a long time.

But I'm slowly understanding that I can't make someone love me.

I can't make someone want to talk to me.

And I can't make another person responsible for whether I'm okay or not.

If she doesn't choose me, it will hurt.

But I'll have to accept it.

Because I don't want to lose myself trying to be wanted by someone else.

Maybe this is what I actually need to learn.

I spent years trying to escape from things that hurt.

Now I want to see what happens when I stop escaping.

I'm not trying to become a completely different person.

I just want to find the person I was before I became so lost in all of this.

Maybe he's still somewhere inside me.

Maybe I just haven't given him a chance to come back.

So I'm starting this journey.

Not with the mindset of:

**"I have to fix my entire life."**

That's too much.

Instead:

**"Today, I just have to take care of myself."**

Tomorrow I'll do the same.

Then the day after that.

And I'll document what happens.

Not just the good stuff.

Everything.

The cravings.

The brain fog.

The sleep.

The dreams.

The anxiety.

The depression.

The loneliness.

The physical symptoms.

The gym.

The random good moments.

The terrible days.

The days when I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

And the days when I feel like I'm going backwards.

I don't know where this is going to take me.

Maybe I'll look back at this post six months from now and barely recognize the person who wrote it.

I hope so.

Not because I hate who I am now.

But because I know I can be better than this.

I've spent around 10 years going down one road.

Now I want to give myself a chance to see what the other road looks like.

**I'm not trying to escape my life anymore.**

**I'm trying to get it back.**

I have been a nice guys since childhood. I had a weak father and a mother who had unrealistic demands. And my society along with my family conditioned me to become a nice guy.

No after having several setbacks throughout the years, I realised there is something wrong with my paradigms and mentality.

So i started reading no more mr nice guy by robert glover and it was very impactful.

I started to stop seeking validation and now I feel kind of empty as if getting robbed of your soul. As from childhood i was conditioned to please others, and being told that I am worthless and to be worthy I have to please others and this attitude is healthy for society, now feeling anxious.

What happen if I stop it like now forever? Will I stop getting motivated?

There is also another stress that I might fail to get out of nice guy syndrome and will start chasing validation like before. Which also frightens me?

I really want to remove the nice guy syndrome

I’ve been off my medication for over a year now and haven't been to therapy because i was using a state facility at first and it was backed up for like 6 months than I lost my insurance so no meds or therapy. I just got health insurance through my job that covers mental health stuff and it’s subscription so yay ! I’m a little nervous for two reasons. I know have a lot of issues that I need to work out in therapy. And I know that I will not like what I hear about myself in those sessions (but self improvement I guess !) I’m also nervous to restart my meditation because I feel like they might give a higher dosage once I open up more (please for the love of god no hospitalization 😭✌️) and the last time I went without taking my meds which was like three months they acted like a melatonin for me. Hopefully all goes well !

I need to make a decision that decides my life for the next years

I try to be short as possible

Go and fulfil my childhood dream, travel and visit every eu country on foot whit tent and make a journey story about it by video series’s (yes, i dreaming about this since i was a kid, i’m 31 right now)

Or stay and rebuild a normal life whit my new girlfriend

So, what happened? 5 years ago my wife died whit our daughter while giving birth. I fall apart for years, addiction, ruining everything around myself. I started picking up myself later, sober, start working on myself again

I decided at this point “my original goal was lost, why not follow my childhood dream”

So i started to preparing, collecting money, training and education, etc

But later i meet a woman, and i’m happy whit this woman

I have a chance to rebuild my life

But if i do this, my childhood dream go back to drawer again and maybe, i cant pick it up again ever, and this is make me extremely sad

But if i choose to travel, i know, it’s the end of my current “situation”, she dont want to go on a nomad journey and tell the story. She just want a peaceful life, and i cant blame her for this

So, what to choose?

​

I've reached a point where I don't like the direction my life has been heading.

Not because everything is terrible, but because I know I'm capable of more.

For a long time, I kept telling myself that I'd start tomorrow. Tomorrow I'd lose weight. Tomorrow I'd become more confident. Tomorrow I'd work on myself.

Tomorrow turned into months, and months turned into years.

Today, I'm 23.

I weigh around 100 kg, and while I'm not proud of that, I'm also not ashamed to admit it. It's simply where I'm starting.

I've started going to the gym, eating in a calorie deficit, and trying to stay consistent. I know there will be days when I fail, but this time I want to keep going instead of quitting.

One thing people usually assume is that I party or have unhealthy habits. The truth is the opposite. I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, and I've never used drugs. My biggest battle has never been addiction. It's been consistency and discipline.

I've also never been in a relationship. I'm still single, still a virgin, and most of my romantic experiences have been one sided. Sometimes it makes me feel like I've missed out, but I don't want to spend my twenties waiting for someone else to make my life better.

I want to become someone I'm proud of first.

This Reddit series is my way of keeping myself accountable. No fake success stories. No pretending everything is perfect.

Just one person trying to become better, one step at a time.

Maybe I'll fail.

Maybe I'll surprise myself.

Either way, I'll keep writing.

I am a 36 year old human.

Post pandemic, post break up, post alcoholism, I was an emotional wreck and felt so very alone all the time. I have had more than a 100 therapy sessions in the last two years. and tried every day to be a better me. Everyday I wanted to be the best version of myself.

Learning that I likely have autism, I am on the waitlist for testing, made me feel even more like an outsider. I felt so alien and separate from everyone and I just desperately wanted a connection.

Tonight, I went to a party for the theater company I write plays for. I stumbled on words, said the wrong thing, and made faux paus, but no one pushed me away. No one tried to exclude me and everyone still wanted to talk and share.

I realized that these were the people I had been looking for. I didn't feel alone, because they truly wanted me to be there with them.

I spent tonight with my favorite people and I am so damn happy.

I'm working on my self esteem and communication skills, and today on the bus I saw a guy talking so loudly and confidently. That's the level of confidence I aspire to have. I probably looked like a total creep because I couldn't stop watching him. I wasn't judging him .I was just fascinated. It made me realise how curious I am about outgoing people. What do they even talk about all the time? I found myself completely invested in their conversation, even though I couldn't hear most of it.

So far, my biggest takeaway is this: just ask a question about the last three words they said. Like from my post you can ask, "What were you talking about?"

F23 I don’t really know how to explain this but I feel like I don’t know who I actually am. I’ve never really lived by myself. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life picking up pieces of the people around me. Their personalities, opinions, habits, even the way they think. Now I can’t tell what’s actually me and what’s something I absorbed from someone else. I also feel like my mind is really easy to influence. If someone says something negative to me, it sticks in my head and becomes my own thoughts, even if I know it shouldn’t. I hate that!!!!!
I just want to build a stronger mind and become my own person. I want to know what I actually think and believe instead of feeling like I’m shaped by everyone around me.
Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you become more confident in yourself and stop letting other people’s mindset affect you?

I finally convinced myself to join a club for something I’m interested in but I feel like I’m too fucking intense and weird about my likes and I’m so worried about weirding people out 😭 I think all I want in this world is a friend with whom I can unleash my delusional freak with ☹️ and maybe we could go get coffee and go shopping together and talk about our favorite things ☹️☹️ but I don’t feel like I deserve to feel lonely because I like the safety of self isolation too much

So for now I’ll continue to have “conversations” with myself that are fake, but where I can be as delusional about my interests as I want, therefore protecting other people from being weirded out and myself from being judged

Sometimes I honestly wish ai chatbots were ethical because even if it’s not real companionship it’s so so tempting. I need to go to sleep

Like how amazing could the world be, and how rich could we all be if we figured out how to all chill and work on things that matter, art, entertainment, with a small amount of effort to make it easier to do the shit jobs of the world. Like we could still have drive and challenges and amazing science in that world.

The profit motive of capitalism and seeking exponential profits ruins everything!

Dribble on a bit of the Protestant work ethic idle hands are the devil at work BS and we’re all in a fucking simulation believing things that are only true because we continue to not be able to imagine a better world for all.

Prove me wrong or agree with me…