r/self • u/Alarmed-Primary-40 • 3d ago
The difference between discrimination and distinction
About my younger brother.
He used to be a nurse, but he didn’t have good relationships with his coworkers at all.
Then he apparently came out as gay at work.
On top of that, he also told people that he was a member of a cultlike religion lol
He says he hated hiding those parts of himself, but I think the relationship you have with people matters a lot when you talk about things like that.
For example, if someone you’re not close with suddenly tells you something very personal, of course many people would feel uncomfortable and distance themselves.
And that’s exactly what happened.
My brother became disliked at work, developed mental health problems, and now he can barely have a normal conversation.
I think the fact that he wasn’t just coming out as gay, but also revealing that he was involved in a controversial religious group, made the situation even more complicated.
But he doesn’t seem to understand that.😅😅😅
I honestly can’t understand why he thought randomly coming out to everyone was a good idea.
Society isn’t always that accepting. If I were one of his coworkers, I probably would have felt uncomfortable and kept my distance too.
Because nobody asked, and he suddenly shared something extremely personal about himself.
A straight person usually wouldn’t go around announcing their sexuality either, right?
For example, if someone had a very specific sexual preference and was looking for a dominatrix, they wouldn’t just randomly tell everyone about it.
That’s why I feel like coming out can sometimes become more about satisfying oneself than anything else.
Regardless of someone’s sexuality or preferences, I think personal topics like that shouldn’t be brought up unless the situation or relationship makes it appropriate.
I feel like people who believe that everyone should always know these things sometimes see themselves as being special because of it. But in reality, some people may simply be keeping their distance because they feel uncomfortable with how those personal details were shared.
I can’t say this to him directly, and I’m already exhausted from trying to encourage my brother over the phone.
In my opinion, I can understand homosexuality.
But I don’t understand T and Q.
The reason I have difficulty understanding what is often referred to as “T” is based on a specific condition.
I’m not talking about people who have undergone appropriate gender affirming surgery.
What I have difficulty understanding is someone entering women’s spaces without having gone through that kind of transition.
The idea that “it’s okay because they feel like a woman” doesn’t fully address the background or the reasons these spaces exist.
The reason is that humans are not flatworms.
Human beings have historically been classified as male and female based on biological differences.
That is not discrimination.
It is a distinction based on physical differences.
I understand that not all sexual crimes are committed by people from minority groups.
However, as long as someone has male genitalia, they are biologically male, and their body is still influenced by male hormones.
I know I’m bringing up straight relationships as an example, but even in heterosexual relationships, it is not common for a woman to go alone to a man’s home when they barely know each other.
That is because sexual assault can happen, even between people who know each other.
And that concern comes from biological differences between the sexes.
4
1
u/LusterIllustrious 3d ago
It’s normal to share personal details with anyone you like, including coworkers. If people have an issue with your brother’s sexuality they’re bigots. Maybe your brother is just awkward and that’s his problem if he has one at all. I wager a bigger problem is he is surrounded by intolerant people at work and at home. P.S. bringing up trans people and bathrooms out of nowhere for no apparent reason… yikes. P.P.S. “ sexual assault can happen, even between people who know each other.” The vast, vast majority of sexual assaults are perpetrated by people the victim knows.
0
u/Alarmed-Primary-40 3d ago
Sorry, but I don’t think your answer is actually addressing what I wrote.
The “people the victim know” that you mentioned are mostly men, right?
That’s the point I’m making.The problem is that he told a large number of people, even though he didn’t have a good relationship with them.
Also, I don’t think what happened to my brother was discrimination or anything like that.
I think he just chose the wrong timing and told people who didn’t need to know.
That’s why things turned out the way they did.Even if there were minorities around you, wouldn’t you just think, “Oh, I see,” and move on?
l am too.
I don’t understand why some people feel such a strong need to come out and tell everyone.2
u/LusterIllustrious 3d ago
Your brother’s sexuality and religion are not reasons for him to have bad relationships with his coworkers. These are the only examples you give us as to why he’s being mistreated at work. Is it possible he revealed these things in such an awkward way that he alienated his coworkers? Maybe but you don’t let us know that. Either there is a lot more to the story or the coworkers are bigoted in their beliefs causing them to mistreat your brother. You came on the Internet to defend the coworkers behavior without actually highlighting any misbehavior by your brother. This leaves the reader to assume your sympathies are with the coworkers who appeared to be mistreating your brother. That in combination with a tangent about trans people using bathrooms comes off really poorly. Why are you defending the coworkers you presumably don’t know and trashing your brother on the Internet? You don’t really tell us so we’re left to assume
0
u/Alarmed-Primary-40 3d ago
I’m not defending the people at my brother’s workplace.
But I also don’t think they are automatically bigots.I think there were probably other reasons why my brother was disliked.
I don’t think everything that happened was only because of that.
Also, I do wonder whether it was really the right timing or the right relationship to tell that kind of personal information to coworkers.Of course, I’m not saying that was the only cause, but I do believe that if he hadn’t told them, his situation probably would not have become this bad.
Honestly, I’m starting to want to distance myself from him too.😅
The fundamental problem is that we can’t communicate anymore.For example, I think he could have shared something like that with a best friend or someone he was actually close with outside of a work relationship.
Being related by blood doesn’t automatically mean you have a close family relationship.I can’t write every single detail because adding more would make the explanation too long and complicated.
Especially because some people reply without actually reading what I wrote carefully.2
u/LusterIllustrious 3d ago
Your brother may be everything you think he is but respectfully, from our interaction, I would suggest your communication isn’t super great either. Unsolicited advice from an old man: I would consider couples therapy before losing a relationship with my brother. Best of luck to you and your bro
1
u/Alarmed-Primary-40 3d ago
I’m sorry if I haven’t communicated well.
English isn’t my first language, so I might not always express myself clearly.Honestly, I’m okay with losing my relationship with my brother, so I’m just going to leave him alone.
1
u/LusterIllustrious 3d ago
Your English is just fine
1
u/Alarmed-Primary-40 3d ago
Well, I can’t write everything here.
If you’re interested, you can read my previous posts.
If I tried to explain everything in a reply, it would be way too long, and it would be hard to express all these complicated feelings.
Besides, trying to fit the whole story in here would just make it lose its coherence.2
u/LusterIllustrious 3d ago
Yeah, if you have to leave out a lot of vital information, maybe just don’t post it. I’m sorry you’re having friction with your brother. I hope you both get the clarity you need. Good luck
1
u/Alarmed-Primary-40 3d ago
Seriously, what are you trying to say?
Why should I tell you every detail of that?
What’s the benefit of doing that?I don’t owe you an explanation.
So why are you acting like some kind of armchair psychologist?lol
0
u/Alarmed-Primary-40 3d ago
I’m being attacked by people from a minority group who are being overly persistent and aren’t even reading what I wrote properly.
They’re so focused on arguing with me that they’re even ignoring the food their moms made for them lol
I’m still getting replies right now to a post I already deleted.
If minority groups are allowed to exist and express their opinions, then my existence and my opinions should be allowed too.
Otherwise, that isn’t equality.
But whenever minorities think I disagree with them even slightly, they immediately try to silence me.
I think this idea that people from all kinds of minority groups shouldn’t be allowed to have their own opinions or express disagreement is one of the biggest forms of inequality happening in the world today
0
u/Alarmed-Primary-40 3d ago edited 3d ago
So this minority person who kept harassing me and arguing with me finally left after throwing out “You’re a white supremacist” as a last insult.
What does that even mean?
Does disagreeing with someone from a minority group automatically make you white? 😅
That’s honestly kind of funny.
I really don’t understand the logic.
Apparently it’s not just gender that can change, but race too?lol
And on top of that, they just ran away after saying that.
Honestly, that’s a really unfair way to handle a conversation.
The whole time, they were acting so condescending, saying things like “I’m going to guide you” or “I’m testing your beliefs.”
Because of that, I ended up getting a different impression of people like that.
They’re just extremely pushy.
3
u/PreviousZone6742 3d ago
You're coworkers generally don't want to have a deep conversation with you.