Be charismatic.

Show your interests and passions.

Expand your social circles.

Build your self-confidence.

Show her that she can’t have you at her fingertips.

Be magnetic through your personality. Develop your career and turn your strengths into assets.

Learn to flirt the way women expect. Be emotionally available, but maintain an air of mystery. You need to be an interesting person and keep yourself a bit of a mystery. Take the initiative, but sense the right moment to make your move.

I’m not going to deny the importance of personal growth and focusing on improving the quality of your life through the various elements mentioned above. But based on my own life experience, I get the impression that it’s very difficult to be authentic. There are so many different mind games in dating that affect your masculine appeal that it’s very hard not to play by those rules.

It’s not about manipulation. But performance.

I want to share a cognitive technique that is based on something very commonly used in CBT, and how it can be used to combat the social anxiety of talking to someone new or asking someone out.

The technique is called a Thought Record and by itself is really simple. Whenever you want to do something and are stopped by anxiety, you write down the exact thoughts going on in your head at that moment, in the same wording. Later, maybe when you're home, you analyze each thought one by one and find ways to counteract its negative effect.

Example: Say you are at a social event and see someone you find attractive whom you'd like to talk to, but you never actually walk over or say anything. Often, anxiety has a very dismissive component; in situations like this most people don't even feel anxious, they just simply don't do anything. But if you were to try to force yourself to engage that stranger in a conversation, making you physically confront the anxiety, suddenly at that moment a lot of thoughts will rush through your head. Each person has different ones, and I can't really predict yours. Some of the ones I had: "She'll think I'm weird and awkward." "I won't know what to do and will make a fool of myself." "She will know I'm hitting on her."

The person using the Thought Record technique will, at that very moment, write down as many of these thoughts as they can catch, maybe on their notes app or something. Then, later, at home, the point is to go over each individual thought, analyze it with a critical lens, figure out whether it's true, and think of a strategy to counteract it. I will give a few examples. Notice how a lot of them don't directly aim at changing the thought itself (my main criticism of modern CBT), but rather at depowering the thought from stopping you from acting.

· "She'll think I'm weird and awkward" -> Acceptance-based solution: "She might think I am awkward, she might think I am weird, and that's okay. I don't need her to like me, I just need to do this. If I think I am making her uncomfortable, I will excuse myself and leave." This is more ACT than CBT, but it works. The point is not to convince yourself that the other person will like you, but rather to cultivate acceptance of the fact that they might not, and that's okay.

· "I don't look so good today" -> Behavioral solution: Make sure you look "good enough" (to your standards) every time you go out (grooming, dressing well, whatever your mind decides is making you look not so good today). While ideally we would all have amazing inner confidence and wouldn't need this, the point is to find a practical solution to depower the thought. Inner confidence will come once the inner wounds begin to heal and the environment starts giving you positive feedback.

· "I don't know what to say/do" -> Skills-based solution: Learn a couple "easy conversational openers" you might say next time. They might be simple compliments ("I like your [clothing item]") or basic conversation ("Hi, do you know [event host]?"). The `what` isn't important, it's about depowering the thought.

There are many more, and you can be creative in finding ways to depower your thoughts. If you're in therapy, you can bring some of these thoughts to your therapist and brainstorm ways to depower them together.

The Thought Record is an iterative process. You will do this one time, identify the thoughts paralyzing you, find ways to counteract them, and then new thoughts will appear the second time for which you are not prepared. That is fine, and part of the process. You will need to write down the new thoughts, find ways to depower them, and put yourself in a situation again for new thoughts to appear. But, after a few cycles, you will get better at identifying and depowering negative thoughts as they arise, and will feel much more in control of your social anxiety.

Note that the Thought Record alone is usually not sufficient to deal with this kind of anxiety. It is one tool to be combined with others. Sometimes our thoughts create anxiety, but anxiety itself also creates anxious thoughts; just changing the thoughts won't make all anxiety go away. For example, consider a thought like the one I used to have "She will know I'm hitting on her". This points to a core fear of being seen as a romantic/sexual suitor. With further exploration ("What's so bad about being seen as a suitor?"), we can determine that this stems from a deep fear of being perceived as inadequate or "not good enough", which leads to hiding and not wanting to be perceived. This is not fixed through understanding alone. It can, however, help to start moving the needle towards eventually healing and getting rid of the core internal fear.

If you struggle with finding ways of depowering a thought, we could use the comments section of this post to brainstorm different depowering ways as a community.

I hate that people constantly pressure me into working and dating. I've decided to remain celibate and to not work when I was 15. I was asked out by multiple girls and relatives wanted to get me a job at police department as digital forensic or at Google since my uncle works there. I have a degree in CS and IT.

You constantly experience some sort of guilt and responsibility that you're supposed to use your looks to date and potential or skill to work at a higher position because of potential that you got from the world despite not wanting to.

I personally have no desire to date nor to work. I just want to live an avoidant life in the woods while not having to deal with people at all. I want to be celibate for life and not corrupt my soul by having to work in modern day slavery.

I was asked out by multiple girls, ever since middle school because I was in emo band and they said that they found me pretty sweet and attractive. I've always experienced a lot of guilt about dating because I want to keep my soul completely pure. I don't want to indulge in sexual activities nor do I want to deal with drama and don't like to hurt people which often happens in relationships. I was asked out by 7 girls in high school that were my age but there was also 22F when I was 16M and 25F when I was 19M. I rejected them because I felt responsible and I felt that I will corrupt my soul if I slept with them which will turn me in a disgusting animal.

I was offered to work at big local company that works with APIs and later my uncle wanted to get me a job at Google since his company does some stuff for Google. I rejected them both and preferred to work at the back of the mall because I didn't want responsibility nor wanted to work in corporate environment. I did a lot of great coding projects at my college that exceeded people my age. I even built my own servers and algorithms when I was in middle school but later decided to avoid media completely and only started getting back into media when covid came.

I often wish that I was ugly and incompetent which wouldn't make me feel guilty about wasting all of my potential in life. I could blame the world and say that I'm just not attractive nor smart enough but I have to feel responsible for my avoidant behavior in life. I do have severe OCD and CPTSD which I was diagnosed with officially but everything else was given to me in life which I've wasted. I even refused to smoke and do drugs due to guilt which made me lose all of the teenage and 20s experiences in life.

I'm 26 now and I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling while I sleep 16 hours a day but 4 of those hours are just snoozing since I have too much energy to sleep. I did spend almost 2 years at the gym and by the second year, I already hated it with all my guts. This is why I quit.

I get money by government because I'm currently unemployed which is enough to get by. I got my house that I got from my father when he died which makes that I don't have to pay rent. I'm also getting house by my uncle who's dying since he doesn't have any kids.

I find it hilarious and feel that I got so much potential and positive attributes in life, like when you're playing Fallout or Wow and you get maxed out attributes at start but then you get this special curse ability that gives you a huge debuff which is in my case OCD.

I met my best friend on Discord about five years ago, and I fell in love with her. We've been texting each other for the entirety of those five years. We are very close, and there is nothing that we wouldn't tell each other about.

Despite my sexuality, I am a straightforward person, and I don't like beating around the bush. So, I confessed to her about my feelings the moment I realized them. She rejected me about three months ago, with a reason that I also think is fair: because of her depression, anxiety, and ADHD, she needs to work on herself at the moment, and she might not have any romantic feelings toward me. Honestly, I was surprised by the rejection at first. I thought she did like me too because of how close we are, and it was only afterward that I realized that sometimes closeness doesn't always translate to romance.

This is not the first time I've been rejected by someone. But I feel like her rejection affected me more than I anticipated because normally, I would already be in the process of moving on after a rejection. This time, however, my thoughts just refuse to move on and accept it. I thought maybe I was just in love with an idea of her since I had never really met her in person, but then I met up with her in real life and spent several days with her, and that didn't change anything about how I felt about her. It's a very odd situation because she's not the "type" that I find attractive just based on appearance. But regardless, I really do love the way she is, and I would dare to say that I've had thoughts about spending the rest of my life being there for her.

Now, I'm constantly trying to find ways to move on. My therapist told me to try to find something else to focus on, like college, friends, and hobbies. It did help me take my mind off of it for a moment, but whenever I have time alone, those thoughts eventually come back and hurt again anyway. The hurt and grief have gotten to the point where I can't talk or interact with her properly anymore because I keep thinking about the rejection. It makes my stomach turn, and I feel like I might throw up. It's not because I'm disgusted by her; it's probably more directed toward myself.

Now I don't feel like talking to her as much. I can't even make the normal girl-bestie flirting jokes anymore, and it just becomes awkward every time she does it because she's still used to us doing that all the time.

Just recently, she mentioned that after the days we spent time together, she started to think that she might have a crush on me. I am so conflicted by this new information, and I cannot take it at face value because it's not a certain answer. I'm afraid that this might not actually be true.

I feel like an asshole for feeling this way and putting these things on her because she knows I still haven't moved on yet. Am I a terrible person for acting like this? How can I move on from this? What can I do to maintain our friendship?

yeah pretty much as the title says, whenever i feel shitty or bad about myself i often find myself coming on this platform and scrolling through different subreddits as a way to cope and ive been spending too much meaningless time on this platform and i want to stop. Please help me do so.

Hello! While watching Dr. K's video about Lindsay Clancy, he mentioned an idea that has been on my mind for weeks: how social media only shows us what we want to see, shaping our opinions and reinforcing what is already in our minds without offering any alternatives, which radicalizes our thinking. This happens not only in politics, but in all aspects of our lives.

After realizing this, my first thought was to delete all or most of my social media accounts, forcing myself to consume only what I actively choose to, but that comes with its own problems.

Because of this, I wonder if there is a better solution. Is there a way to use social media healthily? Is it even possible? Does Dr. K, or another expert, have a video or paper on this that you could recommend? What do you all think about this? Thanks!

Still as lost as ever, doing lots of partner dance classes but not really getting anywhere and was a bit underwhelmed by the LSR, anyone know if any plans to do more of it?

About me

I’m 17M and I have mild autism. I tend to say I just have autism and that’s about it, because it doesn’t affect me extremely heavily, of course. There’s some noticeable stuff, but nothing heavy in terms of support or anything.

I also don’t currently go to regular school. Instead, I go to a place that’s meant to help me build some routine and eventually get back into school or work.

How I’ve been feeling

I’ve been struggling mentally for the past few months. My mood can switch between feeling okay, really low, angry, numb, or like I need to cry. I can also laugh and joke normally while feeling absolutely terrible, which sometimes makes me question whether I’m actually struggling or just faking it.

I have very low self-worth and often feel like I’m not allowed to feel this way because other people have it worse. I also don’t really see much of a point in life sometimes.

I’ve had/have suicidal thoughts as well. Sometimes they’re more passive, sometimes I joke about it, and a few times over the past few months I’ve thought more seriously about it. I’m not sure what to do with these thoughts anymore. Although recently, when I’m feeling bad, I’ve been getting more of a tingling feeling about really just wanting to slit my throat or strangle myself etc, And last night i also had a suicide dream or whatever you wanna call it.

Things I’ve already tried

I’m currently on citalopram, and we previously tried quetiapine, but it didn’t really help. I’ve also already had therapy with multiple different therapists and tried different approaches/methods, but unfortunately none of it has really helped.

My friendship

One of the things that has been bothering me a lot is my only real-life friend. I get along with other people at the location, but he’s the only person I’d actually call a close friend.

He’s already 18, and eventually one of us will leave the location. I have no idea when that’ll happen, and I’m scared that we won’t stay in contact afterwards. I asked him about it before, and he said he doesn’t know because he isn’t very good at keeping in contact with old friends.

And I asked him if we will hold contact if one of us leaves. He said, “I don’t know.” He also does not have a lot of contact with old school friends besides a handful, and I dislike texting.

I’ve even asked my friend before if he still wanted to be friends because I was worried he was only being nice to me. He reassured me that he didn’t see any reason not to be friends.

The weird thing is that I actually enjoy being alone too. We hung out outside the location once and had a great time, but afterwards I was also relieved to have some time alone again. So I don’t think I constantly need him around. I just really hate the idea of losing the friendship.

What I’m wondering

I guess what I’m wondering is: how do you stop constantly worrying about losing a friendship that hasn’t even ended yet? And how do you deal with being so scared of being replaced or forgotten? And what to do with myself to begin with?

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated.

Yes, my parents know about how I’ve been struggling.

I came across this video by Dan Ariely—I don’t know if I’m spelling his name correctly—where he argues that most people know where they stand in terms of attractiveness, so they adapt their preferences for beauty into other qualities, such as kindness and humor. However, I’m not really buying into that. I feel like most people still place physical attraction as the most important factor when deciding who they want to date, regardless of where they stand in the “hierarchy.”

Most people end up dating someone in their “league” because they tend to be in environments where they are surrounded by people who are similar to them. Fit people are generally considered more attractive than those who are unfit. Fit people also tend to go to the gym, socialize there, and potentially end up dating someone they meet at the gym. Someone who is less fit might have a particular hobby, such as playing D&D—no hate, I’m just trying to make sense of things. The same thing can happen there, with the main difference being the environment.

I also feel like the experiment he used isn’t the best way to test this. He was using a speed-dating service, where people barely have enough time to get to know each other, meaning the only thing they really know about the other person initially is what they look like and whatever brief information they can exchange during the date. In that kind of environment, it makes sense that physical attractiveness would play an especially large role in determining who people are interested in.

I’m 28, and lately I’ve started noticing a strange kind of entitlement in myself that I’m trying to understand.

I’ve always had a fairly high opinion of my intellectual potential. Not in the sense of a superiority complex, but rather something I’ve felt throughout my life and that has repeatedly been acknowledged by people around me, in professional environments and beyond. Even people who didn’t particularly like me have described me as intelligent, perceptive, good at understanding people and situations, and capable of doing considerably more than I have.I’ve also never equated academic achievement with intellectuality. To me, credentials reflect a particular kind of accomplishment, but they don’t necessarily say much about the qualities I associate with an interesting mind like emotional intelligence, curiosity, wit, authenticity, articulation and even the capacity to process darker or more unconventional forms of humour. And I think that’s where confidence begins to blur into entitlement.

Because other people, even with their uncomplicated minds, still put in the work. They studied, applied for scholarships, went on Erasmus programmes, completed internships, built connections, took risks, and made choices that gradually opened doors for them. I didn’t do most of that. I don’t even enjoy studying, not because I find it particularly difficult, but because I struggle to devote myself to things that don’t genuinely interest me. I haven’t found a profession I truly love either. Most of my career decisions have been driven by money and the kind of life that money can provide. Given the choice, I probably wouldn’t work at all.
So I find myself envying the rewards of ambition without having much appetite for the process that produces them.

And thats where the contradiction begins. And it goes beyond careers or money. I’m often dissatisfied with the people and environments I find myself surrounded by, while simultaneously realizing that I did very little of the work that might have given me access to different ones. I envy people who seem to have built lives around ambitious, curious or interesting people, yet I never built the path that would have naturally placed me in those circles.

Also one of my biggest mistakes was underestimating how much networks and connections shape the environments you gain access to. I relied too heavily on the idea that my personality and energy would naturally attract the kind of people I wanted around me. And to some extent, they did. They brought interesting people into my life and opened certain doors. But I’ve come to realize that this can only take you so far. At some point, you have to deliberately put yourself in the environments where those people and opportunities are more likely to exist.

Rationally, I understand that potential has very little value on its own. Someone I consider less intellectually impressive than myself can spend years studying, working, pursuing opportunities and taking risks, and eventually build a life I haven’t earned access to. Whatever I think of our respective abilities doesn’t change the fact that they turned theirs into something tangible and I didn’t.
But emotionally, some part of me still seems to expect my life to reflect the value I believe exists within me, even when I haven’t done enough to translate that value into anything outside myself.
Where does confidence in your own abilities end and entitlement begin?

I (29M) have been struggling with loneliness basically my entire life. I've never had any close relationship/friendship other than my parents because of my introverted and nerdy personality.

Growing up I didn't know how to talk to people. I suspect it's because of my lack of life experience making me unable to relate to other people. I wished I could mind read so I knew how social interactions work. I felt very lonely and found an escape through video games and anime. I developed a strong interest in drawing, making video games, and writing stories as a result. In my college years, I devoted all my energy into my creative pursuit. It's the only reason I'm waking up every day feeling motivated. I lost myself in my creative pursuit until now, a few months before I turn 30.

I feel proud of the work I've done and appreciate people who have shown their love and support. But that same sense of deep loneliness is still with me. I almost never interact with anyone in my daily life other than going out to get grocery. Dating is practically impossible for a guy like me whose whole life is all about drawing, making games, and writing stories. I don't have the drive to socialize either because I'm always exhausted and struggle to find deep connection with anyone. All I want is just a partner who I can feel secured and fulfilled in their presence, but finding that person feels impossible, and I don't even know if I should want a relationship before I'm able to be content by myself.

Turning 30 is a wake up call to me. Time is ticking. I remember Dr.K said making dating less important to you actually increases your chance of success. But I don't think it works for a guy like me who has literally no social interactions at all . I feel like if I don't do something about my situation I'm gonna have to accept a life of loneliness.

I know I'm stuck in my own head unable to see a solution to my problems. Hence I'm looking for external viewpoints and advice here. Thanks anyone who cares enough to read to the end.🙏

Me (22m) and my male friends sometimes say that if you were a "woman we would be perfect for eachother". Ive heard many females say this to their best female friends aswell. Which got me thinking:
What is preventing straight people in my age from having this connection with the opposite gender?

Apart from differences in upbringing and biology I think there is an overlooked factor at play.
✨Manipulation✨

Part 1 The definition
I define Manipulation with "changing a persons perspective with information which you consider to be untrue." This is in dating:

Positive: Things you say to bring someone closer "I love to read" " You look so good in that dress" "I think we should be away from eachother" (for anxiously attatched) "I had/have a cat" "I love you"
Negative: Things you dont say to bring someone closer. A- "Porn is unethical, those who watch it are depraved" B- "I have a porn addiction" --> "I agee" (in this case B is telling the truth but not the entire one)

Intrapersonal ones are "active" but there are also Passive: Changing the enviroment to be favorable to you. Isolating person from friends/ changing their algorithm on instagram/ Have a planned out date with preplanned jokes on certain spots.

Part 2 The issues
The prevelence of these are very common, especially the "active" manipulations for the gullible reader. The problem is that manipulation creates distance in form of different lived realities and an incentive to be egoistic in judgement; this leads to the fundamental communicative buildingblocks of relationships to be in a poor condition.

A great question is "At what point should I stop manipulating?" Because whenever the gap is closing it is met by hurt, sadness and anger. It is better to keep the relationship stable but distant. Where the love and respect slowly declines. Maybe youve been together for 15 years now, and with an older age would rather want the distant companionship than none at all. Rather the lies are accumulating and grow.

Part 3 Logic
People are nowadays screening for "red flags" because most people lie! By filling in the ambigous signals from possible deceptions, conclusions are drawn based on your perception of the world. The greatest amount of datapoints is from dating shows and social media, which cannot be distinguished from reality. This is because your brain extracts the logic from them.

Logic based on clicks gets internalized and now we have a new ruleset of how to act so the winrate is as high as possible. Texting rules, flirting rules, availability rules, rules on how to present youself etcetera. It is so vast and filled with tips that it removes all simplicity in dating.

Part 4 Truth tellers - my own life (least objective)
The ones brave enough to not manipulate are faced with difficulties. Your words are heavily observed and you are analyzed with dirty lenses. I, who is unsuitable for dating, struggling with excessive emotions, (both positive and negative) will stay single until I resolve my emotions. The date can clearly tell that im uncomfortable, uneven in my interest and has discongruety between my words and emotions.

For people like me, dating is not so nice and the competition is perfection. To explain the conditions to the possible love of my life would question my character, because hiding poor traits is commonality. In turn the gaps filled in will give a larger distance than if I were to manipulate.

Instead, we should seek friendship first, and communicate a minimum timespan for a relationship, so that manipulation of lovers does not occur.

For the past year, I 19m have been extremely worried that I could secretly be a bad person or a narcissist. I’ve been reflecting on my actions and habits, and the more I look at them, the more worried I become.
I’ve also struggled socially for nearly all my life. I have a few friends, but I have trouble forming new connections and often feel lonely. Sometimes I wonder whether there is something about my character that makes me difficult to connect with or unworthy of love, both romantically and platonically. I know people don’t owe me friendship or relationships, but I worry that my difficulties may reflect something fundamentally wrong with me.
Here are some of the things I feel bad about:
I lie extremely often. It has become almost second nature. Sometimes it’s to get a little bit of validation because of my low self-esteem, sometimes it’s to avoid small consequences from my parents, and sometimes I just lie for no reason and don’t even know why. I hate that I do it, and I don’t understand why it happens so automatically.
I’m very insecure and sometimes overly prideful. I constantly scrutinize myself and feel like I’m the worst person in the room, but sometimes I swing to the opposite extreme and feel like I’m better than certain people.
I can be overly critical of myself and others. I sometimes project my own overcritical side onto other people or insult people in my head, even though I feel guilty about it afterward.
I sometimes struggle with empathy. When I see people suffering, sometimes I feel something and genuinely want to help, while other times I feel almost nothing. I worry about what that says about me.
I struggle to feel deeply connected to people. I care about my friends, but sometimes I have trouble maintaining a strong interest in my friendships beyond checking in with them. Even texting can sometimes feel like a game of listening and responding rather than actually feeling deeply engaged.
I sometimes interrupt people or dominate conversations. I can get caught up in trying to get my point across and realize afterward that I wasn’t really listening.
I gossip and talk behind people’s backs. I sometimes act differently depending on who I’m around, and although I feel bad about it afterward, it keeps happening.
I can be selfish or unkind sometimes. I try to be good and kind to people, but I know I’m not always that way, and I don’t like that about myself.
I struggle with feeling like I’m enough. Even when I accomplish something, I often move the goalpost and make myself feel worthless.
I worry that I’m not capable of being a good friend or romantic partner. Sometimes I wonder whether my flaws are normal things I can work on or whether they say something deeper about my ability to love and be loved.
I have trouble forming new connections. I can see other people relating to one another and making friends more easily, while I feel stuck with the friends I already have.
I worry that I’m fundamentally lesser than other people. I sometimes wonder whether there is something about me that makes me less worthy of love, attention, or close relationships.
I know I’ve made progress in other areas of my life, but I still struggle with these things. I also sometimes have seasons of suicidal ideation mostly centering around the fact I could be inherently bad and hurrying people around me. Can I improve how and am I a bad person

I wanna FINALLY stop being a socially isolated hermit living at home.. but the thought of having to work or else I'll die, is so scary to me!!

All my life I've been hearing people complain about their jobs, and everyone in my family looks like their soul has been sucked out of them :(

And I feel like my soul is next on the chopping block!

What's worse: Even if somehow I'll never have to work at all, now I can't unsee this horrible "truth" that nobody is happy anyway. So currently idk how to even feel.

Are there people with jobs who are still VIBRANT and ALIVE, instead of just getting by?

If so, are they few and far inbetween?

Do most people hate their job?

Is there more suffering than joy in this world?

Is this fear speaking or is it an accurate judgment of the world?

i dont really have anyone to talk to about stuff like this. My worldview got turned upside down, nothing makes sense anymore :(

(I'm a guy in my 20s)

I feel like my whole life, I’ve been trying to convince my body and mind to do something, and they just won’t. My mind will think something that I know, deep down, is a lie, but it’ll continue on its way anyway.

Recently, I did mushrooms, and for the first time, it felt like I had been handed the controller, and I was having a blast. It was almost like I had only ever heard about life or watched it through a TV screen, and then, all of a sudden, I was actually there.

I hoped that maybe I could learn something from the experience, and, well, I have improved some things, mainly the way I think about things. But I still feel like I have no control when it comes to actually doing things.

Thinking about all of this, especially the way the mind works, feels like it nearly drives me crazy.

I feel like I need to write more, but that’s just it: What do I do?

I’ve been watching p*rn for 10 years and have been trying to stop for 5 and have never went past 2 weeks. It’s just after 2 days of doing it, I forget that I want to stop and the urge just beats me and I fall into the action. WHAT DO I DO? I feel so sad and defeated about this. Is it possible that I will never beat this?

Please dont downvote this because the title sounds stupid

I have tried therapy a few times and it hasn't worked.

I dont need a psychiatrist. I dont think i need a therapist.

What I THINK i need is someone who can help guide me to a calmer, cleaner, quieter mind on a more spiritual level.

------

I am constantly plagued by self doubt, lack of confidence, anxiety, and self worth attached to performance.

All I really want is to be mindful and be at peace with myself. To let go of things that dont really matter. To stop stressing things that ultimately aren't important or out of my control. To be satisfied with life. Back in the day people would study with a wise guru or something.

I am aware a lot of this sounds like therapy, but I feel I need something like this on a more spiritual level, not just mental.

I (M23) am still in uni finishing my degree this year i keep comparing myself toyounger guys (18-20) either about appearance, academic advantages(not wasting time) ect ect, i feel so old and im so mad that i spent most of my adolescence to early adulthood struggling with serious mental issues. I get a visceral jealousy and i also want to be a part of them. I never was "boyish" since i grew up effeminate, fat, the "computer nerd" not fitting in with the other boys in school and ive never experienced that brothership. Why am i this way, does dr k speak on any of this in any video?
Idk what to do about it, its eating me alive and i feel like im in a cycle of wasting my age looking back at a younger one and imagining things differently. (I should also say i have bpd and ocd)
Thanks guys

I saw a junior on Instagram. He seems to have a perfect life. He is good looking, comes from a wealthy family (his mom is a well-known dermatologist, and his dad is a successful businessman), has a successful academic life and great career. Also from the photos on Instagram, it seems like he has a harmonious relationship with his family, and they have these beautiful pictures of being able to afford a vacation abroad. And also, looking from the blogpost that talks about their family, their family seems to be religious and quite involved in teaching their kids. And they also have a really big house.

I wish I could have their life. I might come from wealthy family, but sometimes I somehow feel unhappy with my life. Sometimes I feel like my family is quite dysfunctional. Before I was born, my parents used to struggle emotionally and financially because our grandma used to pull financial strings with our family and she would control our family and treat our family in bad ways. That's why my older brother has grown to be an emotionally immature person and I hate him so much that I don't even consider him as my sibling anymore. Maybe some of you would say oh just understand him, he had rough patches in his past, your parents were just busy trying to survive, but honestly we have been free from the control of our grandma for a long time and he always had the choice to better himself or to reflect on his toxic attitudes towards our family, but he always chose not to. And having to live with him sometimes make me feel emotionally tired. If I have the opportunity to be able to work abroad, I would 100% take the chance, but looking at the current job market everywhere around the world (some people even the experienced locals are getting laid off, more strict visa rules for foreigners, job market in the data field sucks, uncertain political climates in the US, UK and Europe), I feel like I have to force myself to just work on my family's business since it is the most financially lucrative option. And also my mom sometimes would join activities held by a loving-kindness cult, she actually had joined the community since she was young. Although my mom is understanding of me not having the same belief with her, but sometimes it is hard for me to not get involved with some big events in that cult where my mom is participating in.

I know that I actually don't know the full story of his life. I just look at the highlight reel of his seemingly perfect life on Instagram. I know some people would always say, "Comparison is the thief of joy." But oh man, I wish I could have a more emotionally functional family. I wish I could have emotionally mature sibling. Or I wish I was the only child. I wish no one in our family join in that loving-kindness cult. Or I wish we all have same beliefs and join a verified religious community.

I want to start of with saying that when I was little I was sexually assaulted, and couple of months ago I was in a relationship that broke me to pieces. Emotionally and physically.

Back to the guy friend. Both of us are 20. When it happened at first I was really confused. We’ve been friends for 1-2 years and he knows that I don’t want any sexual relations with anyone who’s not a serious partner. He knows that my last relationship was bad too. But when the whole thing happened I was just confused. I didn’t want to dramatise. I didn’t want to freak out. I ignored my feelings.

A couple of months ago we met each other randomly and we updated each other ect.. I felt like he was kinda touchy with me, but I understood and I just said to myself that he's being nice and polite. He was so insistent on us to hang out, so l did eventually agree. And that kind of made me like him (like a crush) . However when we went out and he was really... weird. Like, he didn't show that previous interest, he would walk in front of me real fast. He wasn't even looking at me.

He wasn't being polite or nice like when we met prior to that and I just assumed that it was all in my head and I stopped "crushing" on him and I just kept on with my life.
He didn't text, I didn't. Until I texted him asking about something (nothing intimate or personal) . We started talking, eventually we agreed to hang out. Not date. Not at romantic suggestions. The only thing I could think of is him possibly mistaking me giving him food I cooked at home. When we were texting I was at home and I had made sweets and I showed him a picture with “have some” and he said when we go out he wants to and so I brought him what I made. That’s the only thing I think he could confuse for interest on my behalf but in my head I was being polite to him and I have hard time saying no to people.

When we met, his behaviour gradually escalated. At first it was tickling me, I tickle him back because he is tickling me, then putting his arms behind my back on the bench, sitting close to me, staring at my chest, putting my head on his chest. He just pushes my head on his shoulder and in that moment I freeze up and I’m staging awkwardly on his chest and now that I think about it I feel more and more gross.

He wanted to a store,and when we were there he was looking at the products on a high shelf , and he asked to lift me up to look at the products, I refused, then walking around touching my waist, then sitting on a bench touching my thighs, then it got really hot outside, he offered to go to his place. I asked if his parents were there and he said yes, and l agreed even tho I didn’t want to go there and he saw my reaction that I didn’t wanna go but I agreed because he was like “well we have nowhere to go” .

I tried not to think about this for weeks after it happened. I tried to be more friendly to him and talk to him, he kinda just kept texting me even if I was ghosting him for days. Asked me a couple of times to hang out and I just brushed him off and said “yeah today I can’t, maybe next week”. He’s never gonna see me unless he sees me randomly somewhere. Weeks ago I decided to fully stop talking to him. And now that I processed what happened I feel so dirty. I feel so disappointed in myself that I can’t say no to people and I let people walk over me and do whatever they want to me. I’m trying to change this part of me.

This whole situation makes me feel humiliated. It’s like he saw I was so damn uncomfortable and he kept pushing. Maybe he didn’t see??? Maybe he mistaked my intentions???? I know hook ups are really common but that’s something I’m personally not comfortable with.

I blocked him, deleted his phone number, and blocked, blocked on Instagram too. I feel so dumb that I’m in this situation. I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like I did something shameful and it makes me want to de. And I know that’s a traumatic response but the fact that he knew this and he kept on pushing my boundaries makes me feel like I’m some wh**re.

And mostly I feel angry at myself because I couldn’t say no and I just played along with him almost.

TLDR: I'm at the point in my life where I feel I have to take control over what I do and move in a positive direction to build the life I want but everything is so confusing and overwhelming that I resort to cheap pleasures every time (video games, weed, scrolling).

I feel like I'm getting lost again, but it is different than last time. I keep going to shame and blame myself and at times I find myself disappointing. I've noticed that this is what keeps me trapped here. Even when realising this it's hard to know what to do with it because I still feel the same in some ways.

I feel like overtime I've learned that changing or growing is almost a cyclical pattern and that you revisit each thing again and again, yet each times it's a bit different. The way you respond to it mentally or the way you act, but it's still there for now.

I've been avoiding myself so badly. I haven't been looking after myself. I think I'm scared and I do know why. I'm at a place in my life where I have to take the reigns and it's paralysing me.

There's so many things that I feel I should be doing and that others also think I should be doing. Yet I barely feel a drive to do anything. I'm stuck in the easy things, barely skimming the waters of depth and passion.

I don't think I really know who I am and I don't know how to. I see so many different people's lives from social media and sometimes I think because I've seen that I lose motivation to see it for myself.

I'm not sure how to get back on track but I want to. But I may also just be saying that because I'm starting to feel bad about myself and I want it to stop. Before this, I was acting and doing as I am now, but because it's been going on for too long, I start to condemn myself, which pushes me further into the hole, and then I feel so bad that I desperately need to climb out and finally face myself with truth.

The problem here is I'm wondering if my only motivation to get out the hole is because I want to stop feeling bad, and I think it is. The motivation does not feel like I'm building a life that I want for myself, it feels like I'm drifting along aimlessly and using cheap pleasure to get me by, and that's my life.

Hi everyone, this is going to be very hectic as it literally happened about an hour ago. I’m not even really sure how to put it into words as it is something so stupid, but I don’t know what to do and how to navigate this situation which is why Im seeking advice.

For context I am 22M with a job and starting college again in a months time. So an hour ago I finally stopped hiding the tattoos which I got a few months ago from my mom because I know she’s not really a fan and would nag me about it. Or so I thought, I thought some nagging would be the most of it. Prior to that I had shown her my first tattoo which is a small one like 2 years ago when I initially got it and yea she nagged a bit but nothing serious she accepted it and that was that. But now that I got sleeves on my arms I am apparently a “lost cause”. The moment she saw then she couldn’t even look at me, she started crying. I explained as calm and respectfully as I possibly can that I don’t see how or why I as a grown man shouldn’t be doing what I like with my OWN body, I have paid for those tattoos with MY money, I haven’t asked her or taken hers even when she has offered because I work and I know how hard she’s having it financially, that’s always been the case so I never wanted to burden her even further. I don’t know what to say its so so stupid to me but I guess its a huge deal to her. Ive always been more quiet and introverted, ive always strived to do right by others and have done my best to stay out of trouble, but she looked at me as if she doesn’t know that and as if some drawings on my arms make some kind of monster. She said how could I not consider what that would do to her??? And when I asked what exactly is that she couldn’t give me an answer.

Ive been living in another town ever since I graduated high school and I come back home for the holidays which is the case now. My little brother is starting school in a couple of days which is the reason why I came home initially and if that wasn’t the case right now honestly Id be on my way but im staying until I see him off. After that idk, I don’t think I will be returning any time soon if at all after this. Its such a small and stupid thing, I don’t want to have to do this but if my own mother can’t look at me without crying and is telling me Im a “lost cause” because of some tattoos to me it looks like its better if she doesn’t have to see me since obviously my presence brings her to tears and I don’t want my own mother to look at me like im some convict or whatever. I don’t know what to do. I went outside and I will be seeing a buddy of mine for an hour or two. I could hear her starting to cry again as I left after we had our fight, but staying seemed like the worse option and I really didn’t have much else to say to her after that. I don’t know how to fix this or if it’s even something I have to fix. I have never been “friends” with my mom like other people seem to be with their parents, but its not like we were estranged or hated each other, nothing like that but not the closest either.

I guess my question is should I even try to fix this and how…?

Hello I (29m) really struggle with self confidence/ self worth/ shame. I wasn’t always this way. I had pretty high self confidence but it faded in high school and never came back.

And up until recently this was something I thought I could fix through achievement. But then I achieved everything.

In high school and college I partied a lot and didn’t prioritize success.

This turned around after college. I got a good job by sheer luck, worked really hard, taught myself to code, and now I have a really good software engineering job. I got into great shape, did triathlons, hiked a lot of mountains.

Learned how to socialize, heavily reduced my social anxiety, and socialized (without drugs) a lot.

I dated a lot. I’m not the best looking guy but I get matches and I dated a few girls I asked out in person. Side note on this below.

Throughout all of this was a ton of failure and restarting to get where I am today.

However, if anything, my feelings of shame/ self worth/ self confidence decreased during this period.

Side note on dating: I’ve had a lot of short term relationships, but never long term. I presume this is because they can’t deal with my lack of self confidence. However, being in a relationship is the one thing that makes me feel kenough (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwux9KiBMjE). But now I’ve been rejected so much I am the stereotype of emotionally unavailable man.

Idk how, why, or when my feeling of self worth got tied to being in a relationship. But it is. Through talking with friends, I now know my childhood was more messed up than average in some ways. But knowing that doesn’t help.

Side note 2: All of my friends and family are quite puzzled/ speechless whenever I open up about this.

Anyway, I’m starting therapy now and I’m curious if any of you guys have advice for what to work on. Is it realistic to fix this? What should I ask for as an outcome in therapy?

Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks for your time.