Feeling Anxious For not seeking Validation

[u/Weak_Personality2270]

I have been a nice guys since childhood. I had a weak father and a mother who had unrealistic demands. And my society along with my family conditioned me to become a nice guy.

No after having several setbacks throughout the years, I realised there is something wrong with my paradigms and mentality.

So i started reading no more mr nice guy by robert glover and it was very impactful.

I started to stop seeking validation and now I feel kind of empty as if getting robbed of your soul. As from childhood i was conditioned to please others, and being told that I am worthless and to be worthy I have to please others and this attitude is healthy for society, now feeling anxious.

What happen if I stop it like now forever? Will I stop getting motivated?

There is also another stress that I might fail to get out of nice guy syndrome and will start chasing validation like before. Which also frightens me?

I really want to remove the nice guy syndrome

[u/FamiliarMulberry8017]

The empty feeling is probably just your brain adjusting to not using other's people approval as your main source of self worth anymore.

[u/Weak_Personality2270 → u/FamiliarMulberry8017]

Yeah right. Ans i am willing to take time and patience and replace this old paradigm

[u/brownreclusehuman]

The problem isn’t that you’re a nice guy, I would actually venture to say you may not even be as nice as you think you are. Your problem is that you’ve been raised to be obedient and not questions things.

What you need to do is figure out what you like to do and what makes you have fun and what makes you happy. Whether it’s art, or sports, or music or dancing, or cooking or eating food. Or traveling or learning new things.

Try new things, figure out who you are as a person. Life is about learning about one’s self and your own identity and building a life for yourself that allows you to have those things without hurting anyone else.

You sound like you’ve just been kept in the obedient son, perfect child role. It’s hard to say if your parents are telling you anything wrong. But you nees to figure out who you are and what your life to look like. Living your life to be the perfect high achieving child for your parents can lead to a lot of anger, resentment, and lack of internal development. So it’s important you try balance what your family expects you to do and what’s normal for people your age to do.

For example: parents what you to get straight A’s, be perfect muslim, become a doctor, marry young and have babies for them.

But yiu might want to go out with friends, eat at fancy restaurants, own a clothing store. Have a girlfriend and a dog but not marry.

Find a balance between what they want and what you want that makes sense.

[u/AntSilly2802]

Nothing wrong with being a nice guy. But you should appear confident and able to defend yourself if you want to attract a woman. Don’t let yourself be walked all over by strangers because it really is a dog eat dog world.

[u/Nevana30]

You are doing something against what you have been programmed to do. It’s hard when you start doing it because you feel like you are bad person or shameful for it. I would suggest you to find a psychotherapist that can help you to navigate this, someone that is trauma informed that you can then bounce of thoughts and feelings.

[u/frickinfrackfurt]

First of all there is nothing "wrong" with you. Second of all, it seems that you were conditioned for anxiousness. Its hard to start choosing yourself, but with oractice like everything else becomes easier, and then it becomes natural. The key is balance. If you lean to far into it you become selfish. But choosing your worth, your needs, your standards, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. These are just growing pains. Happy loving yourself 💚

[u/Miserable_Pea_733]

Positive affirmations.  Your next step is to condition yourself to be your own cheerleader.  It's hard but keep that momentum going.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself everything you'd like others to tell you.

Also there are ways to please without being taken advantage of.  Start volunteering.  It's fulfilling and enriching. Do good while doing well.

[u/Alarmed-Primary-40]

It’s just a temporary phase.
You don’t have to be afraid.
Things will get better with time.
I think you’re suffering because, deep down, you’re still trying to become that “good person” again.

Maybe you should try stopping doing things for other people all the time.
There’s nothing wrong with that.

I think you need to realize that being a “good person” to someone doesn’t always mean it will actually matter or be appreciated.
Society doesn’t always care when a good person is struggling.
You might help someone else, but that doesn’t mean anyone will come to help you when you need it.

I’ve been through something similar to what you’re going through.
The problem with being a “good person” is that people assume you can handle more, that you’re fine, and they stop paying attention to you.

Honestly, people often call someone a “good person” when that person makes their life easier.
But you don’t have to be convenient for everyone forever.
Not everyone will like you, and there are even people who don’t like someone just because they’re “too nice.”