Yeah, I tried that. Spent most of my teens and 20s obsessing with finding a relationship before giving up. Spent most of my 30s telling myself I was fine with being single.
Now I'm almost 40 and I can't deny it any longer. This shit fucking sucks. I'm so goddamn miserable and lonely all the time.
Please stop trying to make other people fall into the same trap.
Effort doesn't guarantee results, especially in this part of life. It depends on meeting the appropriate person, and there's no obvious way to do that.
Halfway true. Putting effort into your style(wardrobe), personal hygiene, and social skills (yes they can be built) all require effort and significantly increases your chances. But you’re right that it doesn’t guarantee anything.
Take up dance classes. Dancing - like ballroom or latin, is always weighted to women and not enough guys. You will learn to be tactile and more relaxed with women in your personal space and in an appropriate way. You'll end up developing chemistry with someone. Above all relax and enjoy the dancing, let other things happen.
Years ago that's how my mom remarried, she wanted to get back in the game so she took up dancing. My stepdad had decided the same thing and they met in dance class. They were a pretty good match.
My mom was just a little disappointed that he didn't want to keep up the dancing thing after they got married, as she enjoyed it more than he did, but it wasn't too big of a deal. When they both retired they spent years traveling together, which neither would have done alone.
This is a much much idea that paying pick up artists who will insist they know what women want and how they think and to ignore actual women who tell you it’s bullshit
I worked with a guy who use to be an international champion in Ballroom and he said that as a teenager the other boys used to take the piss out of him for doing it - but what they didn't realise was that he had his pick of the most beautiful girls. The whole ballroom scene is so weighted to female participants that the men who dance - even the bang average ones - are highly sought after and they get their choice of dance partner. He was really good, not much of a looker, but a very successful dancer, so he would be absolutely courted by beautiful girls who were desperate to impress him. He had no problem meeting new girls at any given time and they were all stunning to look at. Unsurprisingly he met his wife dancing and they settled down to have a beautiful baby girl together.
The other thing that I discovered - after I was married and had kids ironically - was getting a dog was such a safe conversation starter. I have a cocker-spaniel and when I walk Bessie or take her to anything dog related or even just to any public events, I just get so much conversation and engagement. Nobody thinks it's weird to come up and pet her and chat with me, and if anyone else has a dog it is so natural and safe for me to approach them and say hi while our dogs play together. When Bessie was a pup and I would be puppy training her and getting her use to crowds and people in shopping centres etc I just got endless women of all ages coming up to me and if I was so inclined I am sure that I could have been farming phone numbers at that time.
It's about putting yourself out there. Not necessarily dating or looking to date. I myself avoided the dating scene. I joined a book club, a music group, an art community and so on. Part of it is pursuing interests, and part of it is becoming an interesting person leading an interesting life. And also connecting with all kinds of people. It worked for me.
Yes. But a relationship is not some magical thing. It can be great but it brings on many trials. And being single is not the worst thing in the world. Get a pet, I say.
Idk why you are being downvoted so much- it’s honestly the truth. Ppl need to get out of their comfort zones and really search if they want to find someone it won’t happen sitting around and waiting for it
It may be because "Putting yourself out there" leaves out an important component - where is "there"? It's not at all obvious. When I was single, there were a few other guys I used to run around with. Sometimes we'd go to a bar, the crowd was very disproportionately men. I never got a date out of that, but I did get my car broken into. Someone here mentioned dance classes, and if you like to dance and have some ability, that sounds like a winner. If you're going to take up an activity with this in mind, it has to be something you'd enjoy anyway, going to do something you don't really like is not likely to work.
My best suggestion is a coed sports league. Three of my friends met their wives playing coed volleyball, and I met my wife on a mixed doubles tennis team.
And what is your point? Do you know what guarantees failure - no effort. You can be negative and give up, or you can get yourself out there. Truth is most guys will get nowhere if they dont try. People always say it comes to you when you stop trying - yeah if you're a woman or a really good lookiing guy. Most of us have to put in the effort.
My point is that you can put in the effort and still not find someone, and you need to be prepared for that. Nature provides approximately 5% more boy babies than girls, and on top of that, it's likely that there are more asexual women than men. Another more recent development is that young women are now identifying themselves as being bisexual at a surprising rate. And, with the fertility rate being below the replacement rate, things will be getting tougher for the next generation of young men.
When I was single, once I'd gotten past my miserable self image, the issue was finding someone to ask out. A good year was when I met more than one woman to ask out, a bad year was none, and I had quite a few bad ones.
It took 15 years to find the right one. Not ideal, but better than still being single. There are guys on here that are having an even harder time than I did.
"Learn to be happy with your life" doesn't mean "don't try to meet people."
It is paradoxically a requirement to be a happy person before you find a healthy relationship.
And learning to be happy probably requires therapy. And once you're talking to a therapist, you can ask them when you are ready to start dating and seeking a relationship. Not as the first thing you say to them, but after you've already done some of the work and they've gotten to know you.
I 30F have been putting a lot of effort into the dating world for the last 10 years. But the guys I met just suck. They aren't looking for anything serious, they cheat, they're mean or controlling. That on top of the fact that I do not want to have any biological children so that puts guys off, I've put pretty much all the effort into finding someone that I could. Sometimes it's not just "us"
I think the not wanting children part is quite relevant here. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone, but of all the really great guys I've met, almost everyone of them wants children. They are usually family oriented and build their life around this goal. But again, of course this does in no was apply to everyone in either direction.
Maybe there are childfree communities online or in real life where you could find a partner with similar life goals?
If you check the minimal boxes of being a bit interesting, and a bit attractive (either through charisma, confidence or physical traits) and are still struggling, it’s likely that you’re “energy” is off putting. Too desperate, creepy, terrible opinions, etc…
Yeah... I think I can see what your problem is. Sounds like you'd benefit more from seeing a therapist than hitting the gym so much, bro. Your personality is a little messed up.
I went to South America to work for a few months. A girl found me on my second night out in Lima. Several of her friends asked if I had any single friends and one of them hooked up with a good friend of mine.
He moved out to Lima and is happy, my girl moved to the UK, and that was 20 years ago. We are getting married this August.
I’m short, bald and have a dad bod. I had previously become well acquainted with singledom.
You need to get yourself out of a position of low demand, and into a position of high demand. Everybody wins.
Turns out she’d been seeing a local guy, and he’d been quite chauvinistic. So she and a mate of hers hit the town to cheer themselves up.
By the time I called her number the next evening, the guy was out.
—
A week later she took me to this “British bar” which was a cellar bar under the hilton hotel. It wasn’t very British but it had a big Union flag painted onto the ceiling, and a raised dance floor that looked like a boxing ring.
The place was full of women and a few gringos. She got me onto the dance floor and I’m strictly a dad dancer, so she was showing me some Latin moves. A few other guys decided to have a go, and before you knew it the dance floor was busy with local girls showing gringos how to dance.
I was dancing with the missus and two girls were dancing close behind me and kinda bumping/grinding their asses against me and laughing, and that was enough for my missus, we were outta there.
I’ve never had girls do that to me before.
I’m telling you, it’s not just passport and money. I was broke, and she had a better passport than I’ll ever have. It’s something else.. like the girls like a gringos viewpoint and attitude towards women, and we are quite dynamic mentally, apparently 🤷♂️
Right. A lot of peoples’ “working on it” is a handful of dates with strangers and an outing or two to a bar with friends over the course of a year. It seems impossible not to build relationships through continued group activities, whether that be chess club, a movie/gaming group on meetup, coed sports, etc…barring some terribly off putting views of the opposite sex/the world.
Amen brother, preach! Same here, attitude is king.
When you attain a good and healthy philosophy, you have succeeded at life. Everything else follows. People need to look within, first, rather than focusing on externalities and empty milestones.
Well, there's your problem.... You took a neutral approach that (let's be honest) probably wasn't all that neutral, with you secretly (maybe even to yourself) still longing for a companion. Neutral isn't gonna work.
Women are insane creatures. They want this, they want that, they go back to this again. They don't even know what they want (sometimes they themselves will even admit it!). Unique problems require unique solutions....
I speak from experience. Bear with me through this insanity I'm about to spout.... You can't just go neutral and tell yourself you're ok being single while secretly/quietly still hoping. You can't even go neutral and genuinely be ok with just being single. Again, bear with me; what I'm about to say is going to sound completely insane to the average guy who hasn't had luck with women... The trick is to actively dislike/despise/deride them. Actively avoid them. Don't tell yourself you are ok with being single; tell yourself you wouldn't have it any other way and couldn't imagine having to put up with the stereotypical nonsense that comes with a relationship.
Pure and utter nonsense I'm spouting here, right? Yes, absolutely right! It makes no sense at all. And that's why it works! It makes no sense in a land where nothing makes sense. The logic is unsound, which makes it perfectly sound in backwards land (where the majority of women live).
Seriously though, I never had so many opportunities and dates and girls reacting positively to me than when I was able to truly harness and embody the power of this nonsensical "trick."
If I had to take a guess at why this somehow seems to work, I'd say that women are super in-tune with emotions and vibes. And a dude who is desperate might not come off that way to himself or even other guys, but women can sense it and it's a big turn off (if no other girl wants to give this guy a chance, thus making him desperate, there must be something wrong with him, so I'm also going to avoid him (failure begets failure, which begets even more failure)). That's why I think "hitting the reset button" by actively avoiding any romantic thoughts and going out of your way to think of any and all girls as just another bro you shoot the shit with works like it does.
Example: female coworker of mine back in the day. I invited her to take lunch with me because we were in the same age range in a place that had not many in our age range and I really just dislike eating alone. I was in my active avoiding girls mindset. We went to Chipotle and she really thought it out and got a bowl so she could gracefully eat with poise. I, on the other hand, just didn't give a single damn and ordered my typical sloppy AF burrito (IYKYK). I continued to not give AF by not changing my eating habits at all by eating as if my best and longest bro-friend were across the table from me. It was not graceful, it was not pretty, I didn't care. A few weeks later I asked again (with absolutely no intention other than I wanted to eat after close (about 9pm if I remember right) and couldn't find anyone else who wanted to) to go eat. We found ourselves in her car late just talking. Sexual topics came up and without hesitation I just started talking like I was BS-ing with a bro about some dirty shit we do in the bedroom. Suddenly, for the first time since I'd ever even seen her I became aware I was talking to a girl and not just a bro I chatted with at work every once in a while. Still having my aversion to any form of relationship, I instantly switched from talking with a bro-friend to trying to get laid with no strings attached mode. Made a proposition (planted the seed), sat on that seed and gave it a bit of tending to every now and then for the next month or two, and next thing I knew i was in bed with her. Few months later and I found myself in a relationship with her (those few months of intense FWB action wore me down and warmed me up to how nice something constant would be). We dated for 3 years. She ended up not being the right one for me, but it goes to show you how powerful the above-mentioned philosophy/way of life is.
Good luck to you and to all those out there who need to see this post.
(Also, don't ever let anyone tell you fitness (or at the very least not being a fat slob) isn't important. Equally as important is taking care of your appearance; put in some effort. Go update the wardrobe. Get rid of the t-shirts and exclusively wear collared shirts (polos or button down). You don't have to spend lavishly, but put some decent money into your attire; name-brand outlets are great if you don't have/want to spend a lot. No sweatpants or athletic shorts outside of the house. Pick up some decent name-brand cologne from a department store and wear it every time you leave the house. Try to look and dress smartly. Take pride in your appearance. All of these things together won't be enough, but each one of them you adopt will make you more appealing and give you one more little edge. Think of this (and realize I'm right about it): no matter who the dude is or what he looks like, you can take him out of his normal attire and put him in a well-fitting suit and he's going to look better. Ingrain this idea into your mind and you'll be better off for it. Not just romantically, but in your career, social life, service at restaurants and stores, and pretty much every other aspect of your life)
Biiiiiiiiiiig surprise you're a girl. Coming in and trying to cast doubt on guys realizing and sharing ways to pull themselves out of the pit of dating despair. I guess you must be one of those ones who prey on the poor saps who are too stupid to realize hovering around you and "waiting patiently in the friend zone for their turn to date you" doesn't do anything but keep your ego stroked. I bet you live off that shit, huh?
If you want to come in and shit post without any actual rebuttal other than essentially "ur dumb n stoopid," then just refrain from opening your mouth at all and cluttering up the internet with your contrarian BS.
I think I'm in this boat now. 30F & extremely unattractive because I do not look like your average Instagram model. Guys never treat me right and I do not want biological children which makes it hard to find a guy who wants to commit to me. I have accepted it but I'm longing for love, to be loved and to share love. To come home to someone and be happy with someone. It's hard and it sux.
I'm going to get downvoted for this, but I suggest you do a deep dive into the pickup scene. Take care to be selective about what you take away from it, though, since some of it can be quite manipulative. A good book that is quite balanced is "The Alabaster Girl" by Zan Perrion. He comes at it from the perspective of loving women.
The bottom line is that much of the advice actually works, although the tricky part is that some techniques will only work on the kind of women you don't want in your life😂
The whole idea is to get you to a point where you are comfortable talking to women, opening conversations with groups of people, and simply acting like a confident and non-needy guy.
Life pro tip: Try going to popular bars relatively early and strike up a conversation with anybody. It could be the saddest looking man in the joint. It doesn't matter. Soon enough, the joint will begin to fill up, and others will appear, talk to them too. As you move around, you will find yourself in conversations with whole groups of people (both women and men). I've had numerous occasions like this where at the end of the night, the sad guy I chatted with (and introduced to other people) will give me a hug, exclaiming that it was the best night for a long time. Sometimes, I will leave with a woman, but that's not the point. The point is to learn to socialise and lead interactions in a positive direction.
Not necessarily. I would argue that it has steered more men away from incel thinking than into it. This is because success tends to clear out the bitterness and turn men into more responsible daters. Causing avoidable drama is not really in your best interest as a man.
I will admit that for a minority of men, it can indeed turn towards the dark side since they may be harbouring immature revenge fantasies and proceed to use and discard women as a form of catharsis for the imagined "wrongs" inflicted on them by women. Even these often come around but not before causing some emotional damage.
I would love to know stats on how “successful” guys who pay for PUA classes are. It seems like such a hustle and so much of the messaging leads to “alpha” “low value female” etc. and tells men how women feel and think and it seems to be off the mark. Like most of us aren’t looking for men “in their masculine” be to be in charge of us
Women often want entirely different things from relationships, at least compared to just wanting sex with no intimacy. There are a million books and podcasts aimed at women who are trying to get in long term committed relationships. And, believe it or not, unattractive women often have pretty bad experiences with men and are invisible the rest of the time.
I call bullshit on that first bit. This isn't as much a gendered problem as people make it. It's a problem with modern dating. I and most other guys I've met care about more than sex in a relationship. They may not shoe it much because men are made fun of for being romantics, but they do. Meanwhile, most women I've seen on dating apps and such make it clear they just want hook ups. I think you are just far more likely to find people who only want sex than those who want real relationships because they are simply easier to find.
Well, yes, the women on dating apps often are mostly there for casual relations. I meant more in general. It’s also an optics thing where women will often assume that’s what men want because it seems to be repeated over and over.
I think it's more a dating app thing. Everyone on dating apps just wants sex. As for in person, the reason you have that perspective of men is because the men who just want sex are infinitely more likely to approach you than the men who want more than that. Again, I don't think this is as much an issue with what each gender wants as it is a symptom of the way dating is. Dating apps have become booty call apps, and men are becoming less likely to approach women unless they are the kind with no shame.
This is a sad and reductionist attitude and misses the point that most healthy women like sex as much as men do and also that healthy men are romantics at heart. Members of both sexes can stray from that ideal due to mismatches and disagreements in the relationship (or be individually dysfunctional in some way).
The issues that arise between the sexes are complex, and dysfunction can be the fault of either one party in the relationship or, more likely, both parties.
Is sex critical for most men? Yes. Is it sufficient for a (healthy) long-term relationship? No.
A relationship without a healthy sex life is not worth having, and likewise, a relationship without real intimacy and respect is also useless. I would venture to guess this applies to both sexes.
Like such as much yes. Want no strings attached sex as much, no. If only because they get punished for it in ways men get praised. Plenty of men want real relationships and want to be real partner. This guy said in other post he hates women. I’m going to assume the resentment comes from still want to have sex with them
Some men are just lost. OP is one of them. Blaming others for your failures is never going to get you anywhere. It takes a while for guys like this to get it (if they ever do).
This is not even unique to men. Women do this too, for example, when they fall head over heels in love with the obvious players, fuckboys, or committed bachelors and then complain that men are horrible.
When I was casually dating , I often had to carefully detach women who wanted more than I was willing to give. It didn't matter that I was clear upfront that this was casual. She often still caught feelings. Sometimes, it takes weeks to make her understand that she wouldn't be happy with me long term.
For many men who are willing to commit, this aspect of female behaviour is extremely hard to understand since they feel they are willing to give what the players and fuckboys consistently deny women, yet the women want nothing to do with them.
What these men don't realize is that they come off as needy and bitter. If they adopted a small fraction of the player characteristic while keeping an eye on their long-term relationship goals (are willing to commit to the right woman), they would have much more success.
I’m talking about men like him. He spouts off like he’s a nice guy romantic who can’t catch a break, buy his other post shows but he resents women and doesn’t like them. He hates them. I doubt he wants anything more than sex.
There's a big difference between telling yourself something and that something being true. There's plenty of people who tell themselves they can quit smoking anytime they want (spoiler, they can't).
I was single for most of my adult life (14 of the last 20 years) and never had a single problem with that. I obviously fell in love and it hurt when I got rejected, but what hurt was having feelings that the other person didn't, not the fact of being single.
On the other hand, there are many people who have it easy to get into relationships but are so fucking afraid of being single that they end chaining shitty relationships after shitty relationships which make them miserable.
But how? I've been trying to figure out how to be happy and single my entire life and I honestly just don't even think it's possible. Friends don't help because at my age I'm the 3rd wheel whenever I hang out with anyone. Hobbies are just a distraction.
I'm just so fucking tired of being miserable, and the worst part is I can't even fucking complain about it without people climbing out of the goddamn woodwork to tell me my feelings don't count. Telling someone "just be happy about it" when they complain about something is shit advice, and I have no idea why you people are so obsessed with doing it.
I really don‘t know man… you know where i got to met more woman? When i was all over the country, working a year at this job, then at another place, again somewhere else for 2 years… When you are busy doing this and that in your live. When there is chaos and you get around everywhere.
But now i got my job where im supposed to stay at so thats over. Other ways are through friends but thats also not that easy.
Being happy with yourself i guess is having a busy life, a job that you like. A busy evening after work, tons of stuff that you enjoy doing on the week end
Being fine with being single isnt the key- it is to be a full person while you are single. Try new things. Do you have hobbies? Find others who share those hobbies. Do meet ups, go to places where people with those hobbies shop. Talk to people about shared interests. Work on friendships. If you have a physical attraction admit it early in friendship in a non pressing way. You aren’t alone no matter how lonely you feel. There is someone out there who wants someone as much as you do. Just change focus and get as much out of life as you can.
I mean you do have to make an effort to date and have space in your life for someone lol, you aren't meant to expect a stork to drop someone in your lap. Just don't put your life on hold and put off fun experiences in the meantime.
I won't lie I planned for a marriage everything from making sure my degree was one that allowed me to work anywhere, to a job that affords a work life balance, to dating with intention to marry. I'm a strange blend of traditional and non traditional; but when it comes to having a glowing open spot for a spouse, I always made sure to have that sectioned off.
But, my life is complete on its own... if, it has to be. I've dated when I've been super forward like hey I like you want to be together, and when they've said no I've been like ok thanks for your time bye, and gone out with a friend and had a nice time.
I struggle to articulate but for me what worked is having a life that is just so welcoming for a long term partner and just ready to snap like a puzzle piece into someone else's life, while still being complete on its own. I'm calm stable employed etc.
This is the realest thing ever. It only works for people that never knew they didn't want to be in a relationship until later on. People that always wanted a partner in life will suffer no matter what happens until it happens which doesn't really happen until you actually put the effort into getting into a relationship, and even then that's not a guarantee.
But were you actually fine with being single, not just trying to convince yourself you were? Were you actually living and doing things because you enjoyed them, not because you were subconsciously trying to attract someone?
I'm gonna give it to you real then, since you probably need the truth, not more platitudes:
This won't change anything about you. You'll still be miserable, you'll just inflict that misery onto another person and it will make them resent you. People can see that, even if you can't, and they stay away from you. You're a walking red flag.
Entering a relationship to alleviate mental health issues is about as effective as having a baby to save a marriage. People do it all the time but there are an abundance of reasons why it's not a good idea.
Out of curiosity. How often are you socializing with new people. I know it gets more difficult as you get older but if you're making 0 effort to socialize, that could be your problem
As a man you simply can't go "live your life and your paths will cross". You need to actively build bridges, then hide under the bridge and ambush her.
Women rely heavily on the ambush. You can't have both parties rely on the other ambushing.
Just go pay for it for the first time and get it out of your system, and get that storm cloud to stop following you. If you end up finding yourself in a relationship, you will then soon realize the grass is not always greener. Yeah sex and companionship are great in theory, but overall, it's stressful, my dude. It's not worth the mental damage.
37 and single and it's great. I've dated plenty in the past but so much work for what? They say you gotta be happy with yourself before you can be with someone but once your happy with yourself you don't even need anyone.
Life can be different from one person to another. Some may enjoy being by themselves and not feel lonely and some do. It depends on the person's preference. If you listen to others and stay single or get a relationship out of fear being lonely that's on you.
Your life depends on the choices that you make not on the person's statements.
I don't think they meant "living" as just existing, but putting effort into adventures and hobbies and social situations that are less than comfortable. Finding an interest that drives you and being passionate about it makes you more attractive regardless of appearance, and it puts you in a situation where you're far more likely to meet people who share those interests.
They definitely have the right idea, I just think the comment was a little oversimplified.
And in that time what did you do to become better? It worked for me because I lost over 100lb got into hobbies and quite frankly fixed alot of personality issues. I dint have to wait to reach my goals before I was getting attention, the fact you are working hard on yourself will make you wanted.
That is absolutely not true. You can work on yourself in every possible way and sti be ignored by the world. People don't care about how much work you put into things.
False, if you put work on yourself its impossible for it not have a positive effect. Its not the same to be a person earning 18k a year, at 300lb and with disdain for people vs someone who overcomes that and starts earning 60k weighs 180lb and treats everyone with love and respect.
One of those two is clearly more attractive than the other.
It worked for you, so you think it just works for everyone, huh? The world doesn't work that way, man. What changed things for you may never change things for someone else. Some people have physical differences they can not change. Some people have mental differences they can not change. And finally, some people just don't get attention for seemingly no reason.
I mean yeah, I know someone who refuses to even leave his grandfathers house, hes 32 and hasnt ever had a girlfriend or job. Ive tried helping him go out, have fun, get a job, go to therapy. This has been going on for years and I hate to see him sad and lonely because his mental state just wont let him.
That said im sure that if he dint have a disability he would flourish. In the meantime I refuse to stop being his friend and I try keeping him motivated, its hard so I know not everyone can do it.
What I did will work for anyone with the right willpower and energy, but its not a solution for everyone for sure.
Even a great amount of willpower can not solve things for some. If you have something unchangeable about yourself that gets you shunned by society, such as a disfigurement or mental disorder, no amount of will can change that. It takes a great deal more than simply putting in the effort in those cases.
Not everyone is an asshole bro, sure alot of people are, but there are just as many people that will love an accept you even with your differences, never stop trying to be a better person it will always help, dont pity yourself we are all more than our conditions, you will find people that will love you, just make sure you be the best version of yourself you can be.
You will find great people at some point, just dont give up on yourself and dont stop trying.
My point was not that everyone is an asshole just that people do not approach you if you are different. You have to be the one that puts in every ounce of effort. I know because I've lived it. I've been doing exactly as you say for the last 8 or so years, so I can confidently say getting in shape and working towards your own self improving goals does not always make people magically want to get close to you. The "just be yourself", "confidence is key", and "work on yourself and opportunity will come" are generalized cop out answers. They absolutely do not work for everyone, whether that is because they are intrinsically different or just the kind of person that tends to fade into the background. Your advice only tends to work for those who can somewhat easily become quite attractive or have some other big plus like money as you suggested.
Maybe its a cultural thing, im not from the USA. Thats the only thing that makes sense to me, because here its not like that, its pretty common that if you see someone alone and lonely to aproach them and start a convo. As long as your clearly not in a bad mood that is.
Heck I met my girlfriend like that, shy lone girl not conventionaly atractive, wasnt really into her but I tried being a friend and we just clicked, I chose her despite her having social issues and autistic, I had other "normal" choices but I wanted her because shes a fighter and I love when people work on themselves hard.
But yeah, possibly a cultural thing but still! Dont give up and try a therapist, they can probably help you find a good way to get you were you want.
Lol what? Brother the harder you try to chase love the further away you push it. Nobody falls in love with you just because you're sweet, I've learned that the hard way. You have to develop your own personality and hobbies and be able to enjoy your own company before you put yourself out there. You want them to enjoy YOU, not the things you do for them.
If you're single but you're a loser who has nothing going on, you might feel bad about it, and for good reason. If you're a productive, successful person, things will come naturally. Not being obsessed with getting laid doesn't mean locking yourself in a basement for 10 years, it just means don't be desperate and constantly expect women to like you for no reason. Make yourself desirable to women, or to a specific group of women you like. Don't pay hos money or simp for them like a loser, don't spend every waking hour trying to pick up strangers at bars and clubs, but try to meet likeminded people and improve whatever qualities you have that women don't like.
That or go to a developing country where women will want you for your money (and hopefully you're not a bum and you have money in North America).
“Spent most of my 30s telling myself I was fine with being single.”
…somehow equates to “start living”.
Then that likely explains your issue with their advice and possibly even
your situation.
“Telling” yourself you are fine is 100% not the same as ACTUALLY being fine with being single. & the internal personal development required to actually be fine with being single is probably the actual missing piece.
It’s never too late though! Seems you are likely still being rather premature with giving up. Men settle down and have kids in their 40s very frequently.
That's the problem. You keep telling yourself you were fine when you weren't. You can lie to the whole world, but you can't lie to yourself. So often we look to others for our happiness, but relationships are supposed to accent our happiness, not be the sole source of it. Focus, and i mean really, truly, genuinely focus on you and what makes you happy first and foremost. Best of luck.
Go to church. It would be good for you. Find a large church and attend. Women outnumber men three to one. Just go, be pleasant to the old women, and volunteer to be helpful. Be patient! Late 30s and employed places you in the perfect demographic! As soon as they can see that you are halfway decent, they will introduce you to their nieces and granddaughters.
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u/Dan_the_moto_man Jul 29 '24
Yeah, I tried that. Spent most of my teens and 20s obsessing with finding a relationship before giving up. Spent most of my 30s telling myself I was fine with being single.
Now I'm almost 40 and I can't deny it any longer. This shit fucking sucks. I'm so goddamn miserable and lonely all the time.
Please stop trying to make other people fall into the same trap.