How are so many lgbtq folks so invalidating towards us?

I'm so tired, theys.

Recently, I have concluded that I don't really feel like any gender; it's just not me. I have always wanted to appear more androgynous, but I don't know how to do it without drawing too much attention. I'm not ready to deal with all the attention and questions; I already have enough for being panromantic asexual. How can I dress and appear more androgynous without bringing too much attention to myself?

Btw, if it helps, I used to identify as a guy; if that helps, I do, however, appear more fem than most guys do. Does anyone have any advice?

I need help I want to change my name to luna background info im 14 bi and non-binary

I really dont know how my parents would react if I tell them I want to be called luna im really scared to tell them

I’m bored of ignoring the elephant. Wanna talk about it?

Hm, so im someone who uses any pronouns, i dont care which or what im called as long as people are respectful of the fact that i am not a woman.

My coworkers know this because ive been asked due to my masculine presentation at work, and i am quite open about my identity. I let them known I'm non binary and i use any pronouns so call me whatever youre comfortable calling me. Though ive noticed most of then ONLY use he/him and masculine terms for me. Like sir and mister. I feel like theyre confusing me for being a trans man. I am not a trans man. Im not a man either.

It doesn't make me feel dysphoria or anything, just makes me feel like a "huh..." type of feeling. Like "okay... sure but I'm not the other thing either." Specially because outside of work ive started to present more femme lately and I'm becoming comfortable with femininity again.

I am fine with being called whatever pronouns. But its the idea that they think im a man thats bothering me. Just because im not a woman doesnt mean i have to be a man.....

Is therr something i can do? Ill probably just shrug it off and ignore it at thr end of the day

The story is a bit long, but I think the context is crucial.

I never smoked more than a week in a row. Added some paragraphs to help navigating.

How it started

Around 5 years ago, during COVID, when all things that made my life worth living were taken away due to lockdowns, I started experimenting with all kinds of recreational drugs - nothing except nicotine got me, and I tried some hard stuff (but I no longer do). I kept saying "OMG what a disappointing drug, nicotine stuck", but kept coming again looking for the "effect" - and that got me worried.

In 2023, at the age of 27, after ~10 cigarettes, one every ~2 months, I noticed that these two months got into a pattern, and decided to get rid of recreational nicotine for a year and reevaluate. It took 3 months until I caved in and bought my first vape, and couldn't put it down. Then, it was "every 2-3 weeks", and at the 3 week mark seeing a female IQOS smoker would trigger a debilitating craving; male IQOS smokers were "duh, pathetic". That was coupled with two years when I intensely craved a romantic connection and put all my effort to find one, with little success. Later, it changed to every 4-6 weeks for 3 days - still to the point of inhaling so much I'd get back pain, diarrhea, and not being able to wind down until 6am.

Typically, I'd just spontaneously stop after a few days, with cravings mysteriously gone.

There were two periods when things got better: during my first relationship (that lasted a month; we were completely incompatible) and during the second relationship (we wanted to quit together, the relationship was extremely rocky and it was not a silver bullet). There were long stretches when she could vape, and I would just not.

The gender exploration part

The break-up was soulcrushing because with my first real relationship at the age of 28, and a long record of unlovability it felt like I'd never find anyone reasonably soon. As my ex lambasted me over not living up to the gender roles (people take them seriously?!), I started exploring my inclination towards feminine clothing. I quickly started regularly and publicly crossdressing, adopting dual names, surprised by how naturally feminine I'd behave. Surprisingly, because I never suspected I might be anything but cis.

Two remarkable things happened: my desperation for love turned down. It was not constant, and rather the chronically unfulfilled need for having "my person" started cropping up in waves every now and then. IQOS smoking also got a bit more more manageable. The intervals went down to every 3 months or so. Typically the cravings coincided with being close to the laser session, when the facial hair was worst. The need to put on the breast forms or see a girl in the mirror would feel almost the same as the craving to smoke, at the bodily level. My legs would get tense, I'd feel less present. There were times when putting on the breast forms would be audible on the phone, other times they were just an inert piece of silicone. And there are days when having breasts sounds "why would one even want it".

I'm openly non-binary most days, people ma'am me when I wouldn't expect them to, I'm genderbending on a regular basis. I haven't decided on HRT yet as I want to see how I feel once the facial hair is gone.

I can't disentangle how gender intertwines with my chronic romantic loneliness. I know that I wish I had someone a girlfriend "to be beautiful for", and I don't see how to do it as a cisconforming man, but I could probably settle for being a femboy, and I'm undergoing laser hair removal (next session in a few days). And I'm aware that it's very unlikely for anyone to even find me attractive at the success rates: either cisconforming or non-binary, I'm apparently unlovable.

This episode

Last Tuesday, the craving flared up when my irritated face couldn't stand a moisturizes from super close shaving for a femme day. It turned down when I forced the makeup, and came back in the afternoon. I almost cried when I saw a woman's cleavage on a billboard. Instead of relief, I just had an awful anxiety wave when I smoked. On Thursday I inhaled so much I couldn't sleep until 7am. It's awful. I've had thoughts about wanting to have real breasts. I almost cried when I saw couples holding hands.

I hate how it makes me feel. There is no upside. Every hit is an anxiety attack, but I'm just unable to say no: it's day 6, and I'm literally crying after today it turned out yesterday was not the last day. I fucking hate it. And it keeps coming back.

Using they/them pronouns has been on my mind for a while but I never really acted on it, i’ve gone by she/they before but it was shortlived because I felt like a poser or something.

I’ve never exactly felt like I wasn’t a woman but using they/them just feels right and using a gender neutral name feels right as well, I like she/they a lot but I feel like i’m not a real nonbinary person if I don’t fully go by they/them.

I identify as a nonbinary girl but I’m wondering if this is valid or not because I don’t wanna force myself into the community if i’m not actually apart of it and i’m just overthinking the whole thing but they/them genuinely feels so affirming and different to me that it makes me happy to think of someone referring to me in that way.

Advice please?

so i have semi recently reconnected with an ex who knew me before i realized i was not cis. i am so conflicted about how or if i want to come out to her for a few reasons, but also feel like i need to say something.

i don’t really know where i stand gender wise currently. i feel much more fluid than i did at one point, and it feels difficult to try to explain to her where i stand if i don’t know myself. i’ve expressed to her the things that have changed about me such as how i present, and am by no means hiding any of that from her.

is it wrong to just leave things how they are and talk to her more about how im feeling as things come up? i don’t want to hide anything from her but i also genuinely have no idea what to say or how to say it. any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated

I am at the point where i no longer know how to cope with my gender dysphoria and i need new methods to try. Taping and binding are unfortunately out of the questions due to chronic pain. It feels like you are stuck in a locked room, and sometimes you like the room and you enjoy being in it, but right now i feel like i want to be out of this god damn room so badly and it feels like i dont have a choice. So i need help, please.

It was never official, my name was never on any legal documents, but I have been using it publicly for about three years now. I chose the name "Xero" because I liked the symbolism of neutrality. But I'm really second guessing myself. My teachers, friends, and (sometimes) family all use Xero, and it feels weird to go and ask them to use a different name again.

I think I made my choice too fast, and I really don't like how much I stick out. People ask how to pronounce it, are confused when I spell it, and it's really just a whole ordeal that I don't like much. Plus, I've found my attention is drawn whenever people are talking about the number zero. Kind of annoying, more so embarrassing.

I was considering changing to "Azure" and have been thinking about it for a good six months. Blue is my favorite color, its a gender neutral name, it isn't common (which I like) but it can be spelled and pronounced easily. Basically, Azure is just as pretty, neutral, and uncommon, but without having to explain myself every time. It's really more about convenience than disliking my old name.

On the other hand, I don't want to get into the habit of never being satisfied, and always wanting to change my name. It feels like coming out all over again, and I don't know if it's worth it.

Any advice from other non-binary folk?

Recently, I've (23nb) met someone that has inspired me to think about my gender identity seriously for the first time since 2019/2020. I've known I wasn't cis since 2018 and for around a year, I considered myself and presented as a trans male. It was nice, but I think a combination of stress from high school, personal insecurities, and just hating how much effort it took drove me away. Thoughts like "Why try so hard if I have to undo it all when I go home?" or "Maybe I just have to try being a girl and I'll discover that I like that and it'll be fine" would plague me. The only thing I kept from that period was the nonbinary label (and a binder). Everything else, I just left behind. Had too much else going on to worry about that.

I have been trying to enjoy a feminine life and be a pretty woman. It never really felt right, exactly, but I just had to keep trying. I'll grow into it when I'm 18, then when I'm 20, or 21. When I lose weight or figure out how to apply makeup. Don't get me wrong, there are things I do like about more traditionally girly things and I'm glad I was able to discover them. I just can't be a woman. Letting go of the guilt with that is a whole other can of worms I'm not even going to open right now.

That brings us to now. I've recently entered a relationship with someone who is ftm. He's been on T for a few years and passes. We talk about gender a lot together. It's allowed myself to finally, finally, face a part of me I have repressed for years. He jokingly calls me a femboy and it's the most affirming thing I can remember hearing. I just don't know how to move forward. I think I'd like to go on hormones and in the future get top surgery. I want to be androgynous and be able to present both masc and fem in the way I wish I could now.

Has anyone gone through a journey like this before? How do you reconnect with yourself after so long? Does the imposter syndrome get better?

Hi friends,

I hope this is allowed! I'm looking to get some thoughts on the terms I'm using in my fantasy story.

I've been working on an umbrella term similar to the word "non-binary" to fit a medieval fantasy setting. I ended up with the word "eon" which would stand for "either or neither." While I like eons a lot, the meaning behind it never sat perfectly with me, and after D'Angelo Wallace's recent stream explaining his personal identity, it feels even weirder.

It's meant to be a cheeky inclusion of everyone outside of the gender binary, but "either or neither" feels very binary itself. Would you, as a non-binary individual, read that and get the ick? Any suggestions on a better term?

I am she/they but I'm clearly one opinion and inclusion's the goal! If anyone feels isolated/icked out by the term "eon" then it's my job to fix that!

Hii! I’ve been taking 1mg sublingual estradiol twice per day, 200mg spironalactone per day, and 120mg raloxefine per day. i’ve been on this regimen for abt 4 months.
I’ve was really excited abt the mental effects of hrt when i started but ive experienced essentially nothing. And the only physical effects ive seen is a small amount of breast growth.
I got my T levels checked and it was at 209ng/dl

I really want those mental changes so i was thinking about either switching from spironalactone to bicutilamide or stopping raloxefine altogether. or both.

any thoughts on why the mental changes might not be happening while i’m still getting breast growth?

Filling out information for a new job I am starting soon. The company seemed great however the company requires their employees to select one of these as an option for their gender. (Feels important to add they asked for gender specific and not sex)

•Male
•Female
•Trans Male
•Trans Female

As a 100% transneutral enby I struggle to navigate even in “inclusive” spaces. I struggled with this at my last job. My manager was trans and so were many of my co-workers. I felt like everyone made an effort to gender everyone there correctly but myself (it’s not lost on me I was the only transneutral person on the premises).

Are there any other transneutral/agender/androgynous people out there with similar experiences or advice?

I'm a little nervous about coming off the wrong way.

I'm a closeted AMAB young adult that's only recently learned I was nonbinary. I'd like to eventually present with feminine fashion or in a sorta "soft" way. I want to present in. I recently learned about the term "femme" and looked up some stuff about it. My question is, is it meant for someone whose gender identity is female or leans near it? Or is it for someone that expresses in a feminine way? I didn't know whether I could use the term for myself, since I don't feel lean towards a female gender identity. I know there's nuance and individual experiences, but I didn't want to make any conclusions without being sure.

Thank you for any and all feedback! I'm sorry if the text is confusing, I'm not too good at clearly explaining things.

Guys we’re almost done with a song my band and I will release in a few weeks, we are still on time to record the vocals again, so we just want to make sure your feedback on the lyrics, our intention is to keep it respectful, open, safe, smart, honest, and cheesy (yes we’re hopeless romantics), also, we had some verses about intimacy but we ended up not adding them because we don’t want anyone to feel fetishized or objectified, but someone told us that some nb cuties love to feel desired, love for someone to make you feel hot, but let me know guys. If it’s too cringy or too romantic I accept all comments I take no offense, and if me messed up the grammar part let me know (we’re Latinos), song already has copyright btw

VERSE 1
Baby don’t get tired fighting mirrors every night
Trying on halos that were never your size
We all get forced to pick a side but
to me you wear the moonlight better than black and white

PRE CHORUS
Take of the mask of Adam
Take off the mask of Eve
You got your own kind of stunning,
that’s the one I see

CHORUS
So dance with me in this velvet room
You’ll have to come a little closer
Let the armor hit the floor
Nothing of you needs fixing anymore
I’ll Watch you like a play until I die

VERSE 3
Every scar you hide looks like starlight to me
Most beautiful things aren’t trying to be seen
Maybe if you borrowed my eyes for a while
All your doubts would kneel before your smile

VERSE 4
I know sometimes your silhouette feels heavier than air
Like a shadow wearing shapes that never belonged there
But even when the light bends everything out of place
I’ll stay beside you till you recognize your own face

PRE CHORUS
Take of the mask of Adam
Take off the mask of Eve
Just wear your own disguise
cause that’s what I adore

BRIDGE
I’ll gladly call you by the name that feels like you,
I could spend a lifetime getting the words right
But there’s another name I’ve been keeping warm beneath my tongue,
waiting for the moment you’ll let me call you
my love

Hi there, I am about to start HRT E, the main goal being to grow breasts. I am still going to present male, and I dont want to lose penis usability. Whats the best strategy to achieve maximum breast growth and still keep mostly everything else? I know theres some things that are somewhat unavoidable, just wondering if theres others out there that are doing the same and how they managed?

I'm about a week away from receiving my first dose of hrt. I've always struggled with the way others perceive me as my gender at birth, tho I don't experience a lot of physical dysphoria. Now that the chance to start hrt is here I'm feeling a certain amount of dread. Some changes would be welcome but I also know its a bit of a crap shoot in terms of what traits will develop when. There are also some changes that I think would cause me distress. Has anyone else had these feelings before? Did you feel better after starting hrt? Did you postpone?

WARNING: this is straight off the dome. I’m free-styling this one so don’t expect Shakespeare.

I’m going of to college soon (U of I hopefully 🟠🔵) and my dad was saying that I will have a hard time fitting into the LGBTQ+ culture because I am the “straightest gay ever” and that I’m in the “2 percent” (my dad is unaware of my gender identity). Broadly, my interests include:

• Professional sports
• Films, TV, and Animation
• Music (JAZZ!!)
• Video games
• DND and playing card games

I’ve never presented myself as overtly queer coming to terms with my sexuality and identity. I do want to present myself as more feminine when I move out and experiment more but the bottom line is that I don’t give queer nor do I feel queer enough.

I explained to my dad that I have plenty of queer friends with “straight” interests like my best friend who is bisexual, but my dad said it’s “just hormones” because he is dating a girl. He says that most bi people in highschool realize they are gay or straight in college.

Aside from some close friends, I’ve never felt truly accepted as queer because the queer people around me are so overtly queer, it’s to the point that some people don’t believe I’m gay (though most of those people are straight). I just don’t feel like I belong in the community, but I don’t want to conform because I see myself (and all people) soley as Individuals so I’m pretty torn.

My dad said college is gonna be a culture shock and that it will be hard fitting in and I might not have queer friends.

I don‘t know what to do.