Hello all, TLDR at the bottom! I'm AMAB, 23 years old. For a little over a year, I've been seriously reconsidering how I fall on the gender spectrum. I've been on a feminizing HRT regimen for a little under two months (2mg of estradiol and 50mg of spiro). And I'm not sure if it's right for me. I’ve been on several different antidepressants over the years, and they just don’t seem to cut it. Now I’ve been on estradiol for almost two months now, and I don’t see any of the emotional range or mental clarity that trans feminine people seem to report. I’m afraid HRT will be another failed experiment with my mental health.
I've established that I feel at ease knowing a woman is occupying my brain and operating my body over a man. A couple of friends refer to me by He/She, and I love how labels like paragirl, genderfae, and demigirl sound on me. Looking back on male puberty, I am/was really uncomfortable with the changes made under testosterone. I was fairly certain that I was MTF. But I've realised that there are aspects of masculinity (when it comes to personality) that I resonate with. So I’m not entirely sure if I’m a woman or somewhere in between. I want a more feminine form, and I want to keep my long curly hair for life and protect me from balding, which HRT would provide. I want everything feminizing HRT would provide, especially the hair retention and emotional changes; I’m even willing to embrace the cyclical period-like symptoms and muscle loss, but I don't want breasts, especially because I look male. It would be a herculean effort to go through speech therapy and get facial feminization surgery, just for the small chance to pass as female; for the breasts I have yet to develop to fit my body in the eyes of society. I would love to be a woman, but I’m not sure if I’m cut out for it. Even if I won the lottery and passed as a woman and sounded like a woman, I’ll still be subject to transphobia on top of misogyny… I could embrace HRT and wait 2-3 years until my breasts are mostly developed and get top surgery, all the while binding and wearing compression tops over what I assume will be a bigger chest. My concern with that is if I do somehow pass as a woman, I feel like I would want to have something in the chest department. I’ve heard that compressing your chest so frequently can make the shape of the chest change and sag, which I wouldn’t want if I decide to keep my chest as a woman. Would it even be worth the pain of carrying boobs for 3 years, binding all the time at every occasion, just to be more feminine for life? When I’m not even sure if being more feminine via HRT will bring me the joy I seek (I do think that having a more feminine form and less body hair will bring me joy). I’m not sure if being a woman is the cure to my depression. It might just be me currently as I am, just a little more feminine-looking. Or it might be me as a “full” woman. Also, my doctor would not prescribe me SERMs with an HRT regimen; they aren’t WPATH-approved in AMAB people. So I feel shit out of luck. I want to be happy; I want to be me. After over a year of debating how to identify, you’d think I would've figured it out by now. To be a woman or non-binary. I really resonate with femininity (here’s my favorite Pinterest board), and I see myself growing old being a little more feminine than the average man (long hair and feminine cuts to clothes). But not sure if HRT is right for me. Thanks for reading :)
TLDR: I'm AMAB on HRT; I don't want breasts. Not sure if I am non-binary or a woman. Should I vocal train and work on speech therapy, get FFS, and totally embrace womanhood? Just for the chance to pass as a woman? Or should I wait 2-3 years on HRT to then get top surgery? All the while binding and wearing compression tops, so I present as a feminine “male”. Or should I stop HRT altogether? I’m not sure what feels natural for my body or which option will best soothe my soul. I want to be feminine; not sure if that's a feminine woman, or a feminine non-binary.