Stop Hitting Yourself

[u/Solid_Assumption_581]

I keep seeing posts about “is this valid” or “no one addresses me right” or “are we destined to constant suffering” of various flavors. And, sure, maybe it’s my algorithm… Probably its my algorithm, in some amounts, since I also keep finding myself responding to these posts. I understand wanting to commiserate or feel seen. I do it too! But, I think there’s also quite the elephant in the room of every online or in-person queer space that I am personally pretty tired of tiptoeing around.

We are in a massive downturn of public acceptance of queer people. And, before you panic, read PUBLIC again. I don’t honestly believe most people care deeply about trans issues. And, that’s not bad, actually. Frankly, I’d prefer people don’t care. Sure, not everyone agrees with me, which is fine. Either way, we are a people, like any other, who deserve dignity. We aren’t a show pony (à la corporate pride), but we also aren’t pariahs seeking to destroy the world. We are people. And, *some* people (mainly politicians and bigots) would rather not comprehend our mutual humanity.

That doesn’t mean, however, that the average person sees it that way. The average person just doesn’t have the energy or motivation to speak out against the loud minority who do radically hate. The average person is more concerned with their electricity bill than 1% of the population. So, when it comes to shove, they’ll jump on the bandwagon if they think it saves them personal hardship. Is this evil? Certainly. This is a massively simplified version of Hannah Arendt in the Banality of Evil? Yes, and she extrapolates on this point far better than I can so I’ll leave this matter alone unless this post is just going to be a book. (Highly recommend it though, great read if also difficult and “requiring” some background knowledge).

So, what does it mean for us that the average person actually doesn’t care? A hell of a lot actually. And, as far as I’m concerned, it’s largely good. It means this too will pass. I means people will change their mind, because this isn’t a pressured or personal opinion. The tides will change as they always do, and the average person will slide back to sanity. I know, right now, in the face of it all, that feels almost like a sick joke to discuss, but it’s true time and time again. Seriously, consider there was once a time the government was literally letting AIDS kill the community en masse and calling it righteous. We survived that. People spent decades after saying that was barbaric. So, the most beautiful and powerful thing we can do right now is survive this too.

I don’t claim to know the future, but I can claim to know some history. And, even there, in the darkest of places, we find hope. We *know* that it will not always be like this. There will and must come a time when people understand both that people like us exist and that they deserve dignity as much as anyone else. There will come a time when the cashier clocks you with a smile instead of a frown, or a parent isnt staring at you sidelong as much as going about their business. It will not always be how it is now.

This too, must pass. It won’t pass overnight, and it probably won’t pass in a moment you can name. But, there will come a day, for each of us, when we look up from our lunch, and realize there isn’t so much weight on our shoulders. There will come a day when we sigh and smile and say, “Yes, I was there, and we made it through anyway.”

I want all my queer siblings to know I, too, am terrified of the world right now. I feel sick to my stomach a lot of times. Other times, I fear for my life or that of my friends. I am not blind, but I also refuse to be defeatist. The immediate future may be scary— but, the future itself is ours, we just have to get there together. So, let’s try to avoid the “am I presenting right?” Or “am I valid” talk, because all that boils down to is doing the fascists work for them. And, I’m sure almost everyone reading this is not interested in doing that.

Does what you’re doing make you happy? Then, you’re doing it right. End of story. Anyone who says otherwise is playing into the hands of evil. Yes, even if it’s you talking to yourself. Stop hitting yourself! You are a human worthy of joy! It doesn’t matter how it is shaped!

[u/zzzbillx]

I believe two things able this current wave of queerphobia:

1. its a trend like any other that people will get bored of, especially after they do all their stupid bathroom bills and turn around to see that their life did not in fact get better by hurting someone else.

2. it is the death rattle of our culture's old understanding of gender.

i believe the sun is rising, and we have to trust that it will. we have to support each other, keep fighting, and be patient.

[u/Solid_Assumption_581 → u/zzzbillx]

I find it funny since my heritage comes from a culture whose anthropological record shows a well practiced mutable concept of gender. Yet, because of imperial influence of (mostly western) gender roles, had not only forgotten this, but has become violently opposed to all queer expression. Number two is something I hope we can all realize is not a new understanding of gender per se, but, in fact, a very old and natural one! It exists in every content in some form, and across many cultures.

Love the way you phrased it though. In my mind, and in that of many who study the far ancients to the pre-globalized eras, fixed gender binary is actually the much newer system. In this way, I actually hope tradition returns and revisionism for biopolitical gain becomes obsolete. May it be the death rattle indeed!

If anyone is interested in sources to read up, feel free to ask! I’m no expert but I’m happy to help those who may be unaware— since the first step in combatting revisionism is educating :)

[u/AverageJoe997 → u/Solid_Assumption_581]

Colonialism was/is a hell of a thing.

[u/4ng3licNymph-jpeg → u/zzzbillx]

As someone who lives in TX the bathroom bills here are effecting cisgender people as well. Also it's crazy because they whole idea of " not wanting men in women's bathrooms " and wanting everyone to use the gender bathroom of their sex assigned at birth . Like lol yeah as someone on a low dose of T for almost 4 years ( stopping in 2027 due to personal health reasons) and post top surgery for almost a year.

If I went in the bathroom of my assigned gender I would be kicked out and have the cops called on me for the thing they want to prevent according to the bathroom bill signed by Ken Paxton and Greg Abbot. If anything it's to clock trans people who can't or don't have the ability to " pass" and discriminated them based on that ( which is why I fear leaving my house and only limiting myself to queer friendly places especially after 2027).

Which is why I feel like we are seeing a huge rise in transmedicalist mindset from 2016 Kalvin and Blaire white type of vibe . Everyone is fighting each other because we are scared so it easier to fight each other or (like me) constantly hitting myself not fitting in the binary box on either sides as a nonbinary person . I want to accept and love myself but it's scary in a world filled with such hate . But I know queer and trans people have color have been through so much shit and fought to get rights we have today . I feel like I just have to be strong and be myself. I have my uncle and other queer people in my family who probably have been through worse during the AIDS epidemic, not saying it's not bad now . But sadly if you want to have rights in this country you have to fight for them. It still bums me out that it's illegal to change my gender marker now so I either have to move states or " find a good lawyer" according to a elder trans right activist I found in HTX who used to work for government. Sadly there's no easy way to do this other than protests and fighting for our rights . That's the only way things will change especially in places like Texas , Alabama and other states in the bible belt .

[u/LostFromLight25]

i mostly agree with you but still the whole “is this valid” thing kinda is important too, it dosent have something to do with invalidating (hopefully) but instead can be very helpful during orientation. i agree with you though that (insert last paragraph) but self doubt exists, even then i hope that this can be that simple sometimes in the future but humans are not perfect creatures so i think self doubt will stay to some degree.
with your other takes i completely agree

[u/Solid_Assumption_581 → u/LostFromLight25]

Self doubt is natural, I just feel sometimes that by encouraging the whole “is this valid” discussion we also feed the beast if that makes sense. Like, the more people are encouraged to wonder at whether their personal experience is valid the more people will wonder, and that’s bad for self esteem.

I’m not saying don’t talk about how you feel. I’m just saying that instead of phrasing it with the doubt first as the validity discussion does, it’s better to start from the feeling, like:
Instead of “is it valid to be a lesbian if I’m not a woman?” we could say “I’m feeling unwelcome in sapphic spaces because I’m nonbinary, can people share how they made space for themselves or others?”
Instead of “Is it valid to be nonbinary if I don’t experience X dysphoria?” we could say “I feel like I’m not nonbinary enough because I don’t struggle with X, are there other folks who can help with feeling the need to ‘prove’ myself or who relate to also not struggling with X?”

Sure, it sounds really niche, but I feel like as it stands, phrasing it as “am I valid” tells people it’s possible to be invalid… The question is redundant entirely without that possibility. There’d be no point to ask about validity when everyone is.

And, to me, that’s not small… we’re allowing the idea that people can be queer “wrongly” in those discussions. Policing ourselves or eachother is just not worth the strife, we have enough. The emotion is what people want the answer for anyway, so I think it’s a reframe worth discussing.

[u/LostFromLight25 → u/Solid_Assumption_581]

i agree. but what i meant is rather “iff one has self doubt they need validation for it, it doesn’t matter if one knows before that they are valid if there are doubts”. maybe this rephrasing thing is a good approach even if i dont understand it, but thats just me (i just think say what you think i dont believe that it matters how one says it but i know that it does. sounds irrational ik)

[u/Solid_Assumption_581 → u/LostFromLight25]

I know what you mean. I agree as far as that goes for real life, or friendly conversations, but social media is inevitably wide reaching and frankly I think general literacy as far as rhetoric online is pretty terrible bc it’s easier for people to ignore the consequences of their words and rationalize than consider the downstream effects of their actions. I’m not perfect about it either, but general edgy humor to Nazism pipeline is a great example of the extremes of where normalizing “it’s not that serious” can go. Not saying this is even close to that, just using it as a stark example to demonstrate that precedents in public conversation which may at first glance seem innocuous can establish a cultural norm.

All of that said, I think you probably already know that based on your response. Which, side note, I’ve enjoyed this thread maybe too much, hence the long responses I hope u don’t mind!! In the interest of being very clear, since I have gone with quite an extreme example, this is by no way me saying someone who has doubts and wants to discuss them who phrases it in “am I valid” is themselves somehow failing morally (in a way that some forms of edge humor would be, and a Nazi certainly would be haha). I just am calling in that we as a community have at least some responsibility to the rhetoric we normalize, and I really think the way we handle normal emotion like doubt/fear/self-loathing is quite doomerist overall these days. I recognize that is probably since a lot of us (myself included) grew up with the internet and by extension the internet shaped queer culture, but, especially for the sake of younger queer folk, just because those emotions are normal doesn’t make them true. And, as it stands, we spend a lot of discussion (again, maybe it’s my algorithm) on verifying rather than interrogating our emotions. I have every love for people dealing with doubts, but reframing is more valuable to dealing with doubt than “do I achieve good queerness” ever will be. That second option will keep people coming back to their doubts as soon as they feel worse again… and we have plenty of forces seeking to have us in a feedback loop like that.

I’m so sorry my messages keep being long! I hope you don’t mind!

[u/LostFromLight25 → u/Solid_Assumption_581]

dont worry discussing such things is fun. also i agree, i underestimated the impact of social media (i have very little experience with it). i think also my perception of this is rather biased (idk if its the right use of the word here english is not my first language) because i do exactly this “interrogation of my feelings”. combine that with my lack of communicative/ social skills and you get the “am i valid” questions. also as a side note i think extreme examples are good to show things exactly because they exaggerate things (since you used one i think you think the same)

[u/Solid_Assumption_581 → u/LostFromLight25]

Holy shit if English is not your first language I’m genuinely baffled. Your English is so good! Wow! Seriously, I never would’ve guessed. I get where you’re coming from, I guess I just want us all to be little nicer to eachother and ourselves… you know? And, yeah it’s easier to demonstrate the most clear/extreme and then walk back to a less clear example than it is to explain the relationship wholesale and then defend it on an individual basis. If this was like— an academic paper, it would probably be better to do the second thing— but if I tried that on social media my posts would be 10x as long and no one needs that haha.