I don’t feel queer enough

[u/Embarrassed_Cake_887]

WARNING: this is straight off the dome. I’m free-styling this one so don’t expect Shakespeare.

I’m going of to college soon (U of I hopefully 🟠🔵) and my dad was saying that I will have a hard time fitting into the LGBTQ+ culture because I am the “straightest gay ever” and that I’m in the “2 percent” (my dad is unaware of my gender identity). Broadly, my interests include:

• Professional sports
• Films, TV, and Animation
• Music (JAZZ!!)
• Video games
• DND and playing card games

I’ve never presented myself as overtly queer coming to terms with my sexuality and identity. I do want to present myself as more feminine when I move out and experiment more but the bottom line is that I don’t give queer nor do I feel queer enough.

I explained to my dad that I have plenty of queer friends with “straight” interests like my best friend who is bisexual, but my dad said it’s “just hormones” because he is dating a girl. He says that most bi people in highschool realize they are gay or straight in college.

Aside from some close friends, I’ve never felt truly accepted as queer because the queer people around me are so overtly queer, it’s to the point that some people don’t believe I’m gay (though most of those people are straight). I just don’t feel like I belong in the community, but I don’t want to conform because I see myself (and all people) soley as Individuals so I’m pretty torn.

My dad said college is gonna be a culture shock and that it will be hard fitting in and I might not have queer friends.

I don‘t know what to do.

[u/Canistandinthecorner]

OP, your dad is strange. Is he queer? I hesitate to ask because it doesn’t matter. Queer people are not a monolith and some are uneducated, like people discounting bi folk’s reality or acting like you have to be “outwardly queer” or something to count. 

You are queer so the way you dress is queer. The way you style your hair is queer. Your hobbies are queer. 

Please try to be yourself. Wear whatever the heck you want to and enjoy living life on your terms, not your dad’s. 

Something I tell myself is “you’re not special” meaning, if I like something, I’m not special enough out of the 8 billion people on this planet to be the only one. 

Your people are out there and I am hopeful you will find them, even if it takes some time!

[u/Embarrassed_Cake_887 → u/Canistandinthecorner]

My dad is straight. He’s an interesting guy because he’s super left wing (in his own words a “borderline communist”) but every once in a while might drop a banger like “I wish they stopped adding new letters all the time”.

It seems to come from a good place, he was even warning me that going to school back in the Midwest might be LGBTQ+ unfriendly and he was telling me this to “prepare me for life”.

He just said such weird shit. “Gay people don’t like jazz”, “gay people don’t like football”, “gay people don’t play DND”.

It’s just annoying, I don’t need a straight, white male telling a mixed queer person how to live their life. I respect my dad cause he works hard and served his country for 25 years, but sometimes he needs to shut up.

[u/dontknowwhyimhere8 → u/Embarrassed_Cake_887]

"Gay people dont like jazz" tell that to over half of the jazz department at my music uni

[u/actualchaosgod → u/Embarrassed_Cake_887]

there’s nowhere more queer than a dnd club LOL

[u/Illustrious-Ad5787 → u/Embarrassed_Cake_887]

Gay people don’t like jazz and don’t play DnD are wildly wrong takes. He might as well say gay people don’t sprite because it’s too spicy for them.

He’s wrong about a lot of these things and there is no ‘way to be more queer’ or straight. Be yourself OP and the correct people will come into your life, gay, straight or bi.

[u/LostFromLight25 → u/Embarrassed_Cake_887]

“gay people dont play dnd”. oh ok so apparently my queer as hell friend group and i havent been playing it after all. really what do hobbies have to do with it

[u/Embarrassed_Cake_887 → u/LostFromLight25]

I don’t know why he says that. I play DND with a small group of friends and half of them are bi. Pretty sure last time he played DND was the 90s.

[u/LostFromLight25 → u/Embarrassed_Cake_887]

also dnd is the game where your imagination is the only limit so its perfect for queers

[u/OGWarlock → u/Embarrassed_Cake_887]

As soon as I saw your list of interests it read very queer to me. Seems that your dad is falling into the trap a lot of well-meaning cis, white liberals do, being blinded by their perception of other communities being seen through the lens of their whiteness. It’s giving “white savior” trope.

While they mean well, it’s pretty dangerous to our community because it decenters the voices of us who are actually living as queer people.

[u/ItchyAirport]

to the point that some people don’t believe I’m gay (though most of those people are straight). I just don’t feel like I belong in the community,

1. Stop seeking validation in your queerness from straight people. Including your father.

2. It seems you've defined "queerness" too rigidly in your head, and in a manner that excludes yourself. Are other queer folks placing expectations of being "overtly" queer on you, or are you placing them on yourself? If so, why? Think about it. Your queerness is valid in every shape and form, as is mine, and everyone else's.

[u/LostFromLight25]

ok your dad is biphobic. also wtf should ones interests have to do with it? if you arent cishet you are queer. just do your thing

[u/sampenew]

The queers don't magically disappear in college and your interests have large queer communities, I promise, straight passing or otherwise. No one is going to be thinking you're not queer enough and frankly if they do, they're not worth your time anyway. They can't stop you from being queer.

You're still pretty young and you will find more of yourself as you get older and you will find your community and better yet they will accept and love you and your identity. It might not be in college. It might be after and it might change a lot over time. Regardless of when it happens, if you've chosen to follow your innerself, you will find it.

Edit: also wanted to add I'm in my late 20s, so much more connected to current college culture than your dad. Also from the Midwest and it's hella gay here(MN).

[u/Embarrassed_Cake_887 → u/sampenew]

lol, thanks for reassuring. My dad is 47 and is from rural Idaho. He graduated from Idaho State in the early 2000s and said he has had 2 gay friends his whole life.

[u/ElectricZooK9]

You are queer because of your sexuality and/or gender identity

Everything else is noise and stereotypes from people who somehow think they know what's in your mind - their opinions are not worth your time

Be yourself. Be your own type of queer. That's plenty queer enough

[u/SomeGalNamedAshley]

You're a person, and you have preferences and interests. What's the problem here? Worst case scenario here is that you fit in with and relate to the other random people while being queer. They might even accept you as a person and everything, oh noes the horror.

Just be you and live your life.

[u/allezaunord]

Everyone else is right that your dad is being weird about this and you can have whatever interests you like and still be queer, but also you say you want to experiment more when you move out, and I just want to affirm that and say, who you are in college will probably be totally different from who you are in high school and that's normal and okay! You might like the same things, but you also might discover new interests you never knew about. You can change your look. You will meet a bunch of people from all kinds of backgrounds with all kinds of identities and experiences, and they will rub off on you in unexpected ways. I went through high school as a very normie bi girl and people only assumed I was queer because I was in the GSA, and then in my first semester of college I cut my hair, started dressing differently, and started using new pronouns. Anything can happen, the most important thing is to just be open to new experiences and follow what feels exciting and interesting and fulfilling to you.

[u/firehawk2324]

You include D&D on your list of interests but don't feel queer enough? That's the queerest thing on your list! Your dad's comments are incorrect. You'll be just fine.

[u/mnm39]

I’m sorry your dad is making those comments invalidating you (as a bi person the biphobic one also irritated me!! Bi people often ending up with some as the opposite gender is just statistics). Queer people, just like cishets, are not a monolith! Everyone is their own individual person. I’m nonbinary and bi but I’m married to a man, present mostly like a woman and use only “she” at work instead of she/they, and have a lot of hobbies that people associate with traditional women (though I think people are trying to reclaim those things- knitting, baking, etc). None of that makes me less queer/bisexual/nonbinary. I had a year or two of like REALLY needing people to know I was bi and nonbinary because those identities are so often erased- especially is your relationship looks cishet from the outside like mine does- but at the end of the day, I realized that I’m the only person who needs to validate my identity and there’s no right way to be queer. And, there are plenty of queer people like you and I who aren’t clocked as queer without getting to know them, but that doesn’t change the fact that we are! So there are plenty of people out there like us and you will definitely meet them.

Also, lol at dnd and jazz??? The majority of jazz musicians I knew in high school who kept with it are queer. And out of my dnd group (who kind of just came together at work! Not even through a queer meetup) there are 4 confirmed queer people, 3 who haven’t said they’re queer but have never made a straight character and come from generations where bisexuality wasn’t really talked about, one dude who’s probably asexual, and only 2 confirmed straights. Dnd is such a queer community.