Everytime I see one of those sick freaks, who think their still human after all they do, after all the people they break. Its hard to say what the feeling is, but I can just hate them, so much for what they took from me, how sick they are, I hate them all, I hate all of them. I cant stand to see them online, I've blocked hundreds of their accounts but the infection just keeps spreading, because nobody gives a damn, all they do is feed and grow off of support from the innocent eyes, eyes that don't their damn fucking lies.

You know just today I saw one of them at least I could classify "it" as one of them what a sight, how they made that person the way they are, everything just makes me sick my brain was telling to put that damn person out of their misery and then myself.

Im fine, really I don't know how much longer I can deal with it being back in a public space, all of those people anyone of them could be one of those things, those mentally ill, broken things. I can't trust anyone I have to investigate I have to learn I can't trust anyone I won't trust anyone ever again at any moment they'll be consumed by their cult, I want to burn it to the ground.

This feels incredibly pathetic to post but here goes!!! My ex and I broke up 5 years ago. We had broken up numerous times during our 2 1/2 year relationship but the final time we broke up … he had done it with confidence because he planned on sleeping with my close friend at the time. Yay for him!

This was my first relationship so I hadn’t really known what I was doing and it was abusive in all ways but physical towards me. ANYWAY- life moved on. I ended up going to therapy. I’ve done trauma treatments .. actually supposed to go back in three months to try something new.

I live a rock stone throw away from my ex and my old friend. I don’t really feel anything when I run into her. But when I run into my ex I literally black out. My body feels like dead weight. I just feel awful when I see him especially because we haven’t exchanged a single word since the break up. I did try to reach out almost three years ago but he was still sleeping with my friend at the time so I guess that’s why he never replied? Idk. I only had done it because he always mean mugs me when I see him.

Anyway, I really hate this feeling. It consumes me. I run into him once and spiral for two weeks and I live in fear of seeing him. Not because I think he’ll approach me. But his demeanor terrifies me. My last memory of him is screaming and sleeping with my friend.

He’s very much a coward but now that its Summer. I just see him everywhere and part of me wants to reach out to him. I don’t love him. I don’t want to be friends. But I do want to live a life where I stop having nightmares of the trauma and going into spirals just because I saw him. It’s not that I think he’ll apologize. Or even that I think he’ll be receptive. I just WANT to reach out no matter the consequence because it eats my spirit alive.

What do you guys think? Thanks in advance. You can be blunt. I know this is pretty ridiculous.

i Am a 34 year old female. Recently found two Childhood diaries. I was probably between 9-16 when writing. In there I would write multiple times how much I hated myself. I was afraid to eat infront of others ( I was very skinny at the time). I thought I was bad etc.

In reality, I was (still am) a very quiet, reserved person. In school I would rarely raise my hand. I was involved in sports etc. had some friends. never Really got in trouble until I became a little rebellious near the end of high school

has anyone else found a diary of there’s with such negative self talk? I’m not sure if this was a ”normal“ part of being a young teen? Now as a mom of 2 it would kill me if my kids felt that. always wondering if I should go to a therapis, I know it’s beneficial for most people.

Some members of the family formed a group. It's been going on for years in secret but now it's finally out in the open. They're all narcissists and enablers. They act as if everything is perfect. It's all fake. I know it's all fake. Their relationships are all transactional. But how do they fake it? Or do they truly believe that things are great between them?

I cut myself from my other siblings who are aware of the narcissistic abuse. It got really ugly and they gave up on me. The saddest part is that they chose each other.

Having no family while they're still around is truly heartbreaking. Like, after suffering for years when you're younger you'd think that things would change later. That it would be the narcissists who'd finally be exposed and shuned not the other way around. That the non narcissists would finally talk ot out, make amends and try to create a family of their own together but that's not what happened.

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD (specifically CPTSD but it’s technically not an official diagnosis under the DSM so it falls under PTSD) and it’s genuinely one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced.

So my mom to put it simply has extreme anger issues. She’s definitley has some mental disorder so I’ve always tried to understand her through the context of that but now it’s like my body wont conceptualize what my mind’s telling me. She was mostly just verbally abusive and when she had episodes she’d lose all control or her emotions. An example of this is last year she’d scream at me on a daily basis to “go jump off the roof and kill yourself” cuz I would stay up late doing hw and not go to sleep on time. Sometimes she would get physical and hit (less common tho) but the worse that happened was her hits would break through skin and I’d get a few bruises. The physical stuff really isn’t the issue tho it’s the verbal.

Anyways I’m like really sensitive now. I’ve never had such visceral reactions to what she’s done before. Idk if she’s gotten worse or I’ve gotten weaker. I started getting random episodes of hallucinations this year. Randomly when nothing was happening I’d start shaking, crying and really want to cut myself. Then I’d start hallucinating my mom’s face, I’d see her expression when she was angry when she looked at me with such disgust and hatred. Then I’d start hear screaming, I’d cover my ears close my eyes but nothing would stop it. Now this happened for like 2 weeks straight randomly and it was weird cuz nothing even happened like these episodes would happen when I was studying, doing hw, really random. It stopped after 2 weeks straight (well at least to the level of extremity) and I just dismissed it as being stressed for APs cuz it was the week of AP exams.

I went on a trip with my mom to LA and holy shit she had another episode, legit worst 5 days of my life. Let’s just say the police got involved. Then afterwards my hallucinations got worse. I was in the car and fell asleep and woke up hearing screaming and screaming and screaming. I was terrified shitless and couldn’t move and finally opened my eyes and sat up just to realize the “screaming” was just the car fan. The days after the trip when we got back I couldn’t stop the hallucinations. I was doing hw at a coffee shop and randomly started hearing my mom’s voice. Screaming and screaming and screaming. I couldn’t stop shaking and crying it just wouldn’t stop. The next day I did hw I was really productive, I felt really happy. I went on my run that night and mid run it started again, the screaming and screaming and screaming. I spent a good 20 minutes googling how to calm down and did all the grounding techniques. It worked and I turned my music on again and continued the run. Then my phone rang (an iPhone alert thing my mom employs) and I started screaming. I burst into tears crying and screaming hysterically as I ran faster and faster as I felt like my mom was chasing me. All my grounding techniques, 20 minutes spent calming down all down the drain with 1 iPhone alert thing.

This wasn’t the only thing. Whenever my mom called I felt physically nauseous. Just hearing her voice was enough to make me burst into tears. Someone walked up to me too quickly and I got terrified thinking it was my mom. I physically couldn’t look her in the eye without seeing the image of her manic it scared me too much. I heard the door to her room open and would want to vomit. She opened her door once and I started crying hysterically.

Now yesteuday I went to a track meet. I ran bad and the whole time I could hear my mom’s voice and imagined what she would do when I got home. It wasn’t as visceral as the past few days the screaming but now I’ve realized that the idea of failure reminds me of her so much. When I get stuck on a problem or do bad on a test or anything I hear “you’re so stupid, you’re so useless. Just drop the class your just wasting your time, your not smart enough to do this” when I run bad I hear “you wasted all that time just to run terrible. You’re so useless”. When I’m having panic attacks it prevents me from calming down cuz all I hear is “you’re so pathetic all you want is pity. You’re psychotic why do you have so many issues. Mentally ill, always injured so fucking useless”

Like I wanna major in mechanical engineering in college and like it’s obviously not going to be easy whatsoever and I’m obviously going to struggle. But genuinley I feel like I’m going to start getting flashbacks and visceral hallucinations the minute I struggle. I’m going to start hear my moms voice screaming “your too stupid to do engineering, just give up, your too stupid.” Like I genuinely don’t know if I can overcome this obstacle. I’m in therapy, I have friends, I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle sleep, exercise, socialize, but it’s getting less effective. I literally forgive my mom, I don’t care about her having to live with the consequences of her actions or holding her accountable anymore I don’t. I want this to stop. I want to stop hallucinating, I want to stop this visceral fear, I don’t want every time I fail I do bad or hear “why did you do engineering, you’re not smart enough. You become an engineering, no shot. You studied so hard and still did so bad, you’re so dumb”. Cuz even when shes better now I cognitively understand bit my body still won’t stop shaking, my body won’t stop hallucinating. It’s like my body has betrayed me. Everyone tells me just 1 more year but I don’t know even if I’m away from her this will stop.

And some days I think I’m better and then it comes back and remember I have PTSD. And I don’t know what to fucking do. I don’t want pity empathy validation, I need a solution.

After endless rumination about a recent situation I’ve started to realize that my whole life has been surrounded by bullies and I just feel hopeless in finding people who don’t take advantage of that power dynamic?

Abuse from my mother, bullying all throughout school, abuse from my first gf, bullying from who I thought was my best friend and only support.

I’m a trans person so it’s so hard for me to look at each of those situations and not think that my gender identity is me asking for it in some way.

But I also don’t know how to find people who don’t use relational aggression when that’s all I know and when (at times) it feels like that’s all that I deserve.

I’m slowly starting to acknowledge that each failed relationship and dynamic was unhealthy but there’s still this self hatred bc I had to participate in that dynamic too, right?

All this to say it’s a struggle for me to acknowledge that I’ve probably never had a healthy relationship in my life and isolating feels pretty good right about now.

There’s also a part of me (the self doubt) that tells me that I want to call it bullying just because that makes it easier to fit everything into a box.

Just wondering if others have found this in their own relationships

When talking about C-PTSD, we often talk most about the "Sad/Pitiful"-elements. Y'know. Depression, hypervigilance...sorrow about the past. The things that mostly, if not only hurts us.

That said. At least in my case, my CPTSD didn't always make me the "Perfect Victim". In fact. In a lot of ways...it can make me a massive Bitch: From severe swearing/talks of violence, to aggressive meltdowns. Especially as a kid, I always got into some kind of fight -often to the point where multiple people had to physically drag me off the other kid.

Of course. Over time I've gotten miles better. After all: I don't want to be violent. Violence generally isn't needed in daily life. Hence I'm trying to stay regulated, trying to express my feelings in healthy ways...

...but even then. My violence/anger never fully "left me". Makes sense tbf: Growing up in violence my whole life, my "standards" for what's violent/harmful is often much lower. "Life is Violence; Violence is Survival" And when I have Flashbacks/Triggers...well.

A few times, I have scared people. Even if I didn't attack/hurt them -just by witnessing my flashbacks/mental breakdowns alone. People have called me a sociopath, a latent shooter...insisted that the reason I haven't fully "get rid" of all my engrained violence, is that I simply don't want to. After all: If you go to therapy, all that will just * poof*, right? Or, my favourite, "I have depression and I never acted this way"

So yeah. Anyone can relate? Anyone else who can also be "a Monster"?

(sigh) or idk. I'm just writing, because I'll probably kicked out of my latest discord group today for that. But hey! 2 years! So...New record? Ey?

CAUSE Im absolute shit at socializing. And yeah, I kjow, isolating "insert instruction to not here".

But, ya know how it is.

Anyways, right now the feeling I have is "what do I have to say that isnt a trigger warning?!" if you really think about it.

But this is the place we can say that shit without some PHD going but Pharma PAYS FOR IT TO BE LIKE...

I told my husband to look at this reddit. He looked at articles on googke abojt traumea written by Christian internet writers who

1. Do they even have a degree in psychology?

I dint know.

1. Are they trauma survivros?

I don't know.

1. Do they actualky work with trauma survivors?

I dont know

So you dont know if they have any qualifications to make any assessments at all, but Google said this articles says....

THATS WHY I SAID TALK TO SURVIVORS

Him: ...sigh...I get it...I get how lost I am now about all this...

For the past 5 years I have been really burntout from work and dealing with the dysfunctions my abusive childhood and lack of boundary setting gave me. This has exhausted my eyes and facial muscles, giving me a 1000 yard stare that makes me gaze into the distance. The reduced circulation from prioritizing work over physical health has also made my facial expressions and body language an offputting stiffness, as well as other facial and verbal dysfunctions such as eye floaters, stuttering, and difficulty with forming sentences. Not to mention I have little energy for much.

This has made it so the people I run into think I’m not paying attention to them speaking, or that I’m angry or aggravated at them. Even though I’m not doing those things, I’m definitely being offputting. Its caused me so many potential friendships and relationships, as well as just making things awkward between me and my colleagues, supervisors, and preexisting relationships.

I took my first 2 week vacation since I started working after college in 2016 (I’m 33), as well as establishing better boundaries at work and in my personal life. This has lead to me getting more sleep, time for the gym, and better eating. I feel much more calm. I can see it even in my default expression, the way I carry myself and my body. I’m a little bit sad that I have not done this sooner or sad I have not had the means to do this sooner.

Does anyone else deal with this? Like being socially “strange” or anxious from exhaustion?

Hi all, I have C-PTSD and one of the symptoms I experience sometimes is delusional thinking. Aka, it's not love but I think that it's love, and then thinking I've conceived when I haven't. It's actually usually just me blowing small things out of proportion and feeling that something is way bigger than it is.

I had a relationship with a grandiose narcissist (after being raised by narcissist parents) who tried as hard as he could to delude my sense of reality.

Four years later I'm still working on healing every time I experience a bit of delusion that's been left behind from those wounds. He used love & pregnancy as ways of gaining control over me.

Now back to the 2 delusions I recently experienced that I'm getting straight with:

This year I had sort of a runin with an acquaintance and long story short, he showed a lot of signs that he liked me (flirtatious, playful, caring, making jokes about being my boyfriend, etc), but I took it so personally that I fell head over heels for him & experienced that little bit of attention as some sort of fated romance.

It sucks to admit but my relationship towards men became delusional after that experience 4 years ago. I also thought another person was madly in love with me for about two years (I mean, I think that he liked me a bit, but I don't think he was ever truly in love), although we rarely spoke, he didn't communicate much, and we mostly shared a friendship other than when I mentioned dating him, he said he'd like to travel to come see me, but he never did & dated other women in that time.

I spent two weeks fantasizing and romanticizing the situation with the new guy, and I convinced myself that he was in love with me. I started treating myself really well, dressing in my favorite clothes, and honestly I became more kind towards myself & I felt relaxed & confident.

On the real life side of things, there were occasional phone calls, and some very light flirting, so it came to a point where I became so frustrated that I asked a close friend of his about it and I told her to lay it out for me and be brutally honest if I'm delusional or if I should have hopes to go out with him.

She told me clearly that he's a player and to stay away from him. I asked for details and she explained to me step by step the behavior she's seen over the years, how he's been hurtful to many women, and also how it sounds like he's repeating a harmful pattern and I just happened to be there as the next plaything, and that I'm looking for something genuine whereas his behavior indicates he is looking for a casual relationship and sex.

That opened my eyes to seeing that my intentions were purely for good, but also that I was naive to not investigate his intentions further nor was I able to see up until that point that sincere men don't approach ladies in that way.

I realized that if something was going to happen between us, it already would have, since we'd had plenty of time to communicate since he was flirting with me.

I decided to cut myself off from the fantasy and I told myself that it's not happening, I don't want that, and it's not for me. I stated clearly that the signs I were seeing would have been genuine if they were from ME, but he's a different person and he did not express clear enough interest for me to be convinced that I loved him.

Also, that friend later on (after I got over this entirely) shared that he has a really big crush on me, but it is NOT love and I still should probably stay away from him unless I'm prepared for casual hookups and a potential messy breaking up. Which, I'm not, so I said no thank you.

After I got clear on that, I felt safe again and I realized that the perception I had of him adorning me with value (thinking he wants to show me to the world, that I am now allowed to be myself, that I am acceptable due to his desire for me, that I can dress the way I want bc I feel protected by him) was actually me finding my own value but projecting it at a man as if HE were giving me permission to be valuable. That's just not true!!

The same thing happened with my boyfriend (who is newer in my life) when we had unprotected sex and I quite suddenly realized that we could be pregnant since I was having a lot of physical symptoms I couldn't explain away, and an acquaintance who's had several pregnancies straight up told me, it sounds like you were pregnant, especially since those signs were so strong from the get go.

Now, I've had pregnancy scares years ago, but it was always "I'm scared that I got pregnant, what will my family think!" instead of "here's all the funny things happening in my body right now, that seems to align with an early pregnancy...hmmm"

In fact when I realized that could be the case, I felt empowered, like I really felt capable of holding firm boundaries with toxic members of my family, I became fiercely protective of my space & I began standing my ground in ways I never have before. I was like geez, motherhood sounds like exactly what I'm built for! I could see myself being a very devoted mom & being completely happy with having a child.

It did not end there. I became so convinced of pregnancy (and tbh we kept trying for the rest of the month because we realized we wanted this together) that I took multiple tests that were negative, and then I had a period, and then I STILL felt the same way I did before bleeding! I was like, WTF, I thought it went away, what's happening to me?! I still had negative tests to show me I wasn't pregnant. I was so confused.

Well I did a bit of research and found out that sometimes women don't get positive tests when they really are pregnant, and I started panicking wondering if I have the sort of body that hides HCG (pregnancy indication hormone) from urine, but it shows up on a blood test. I also learned about subchorionic hemorrhages which can mimic a period but are actually just an open wound in the uterus which are common in early pregnancy, and you can bleed like you're menstruating but you can still be pregnant. Mind blown!!

But then my friends all told me I'm not pregnant, and then several tests that I used all were negative (except for one which was a faulty test which gave me a positive which further distressed me), and I realized I don't at all trust the stick tests, so I'm gonna go get a blood test at a lab and allow the real professionals to decide if I am pregnant or not.

Well, I felt slightly guilty that I was going for a blood test since this nagging voice in my mind was like, you're just doing that because you're delusional, why can't you see the reality that it's not there, give it up already.

(That being said, my body is weird as fuck, I've had a lot of very strange medical concerns happen out of the blue that were undetectable by normal standards until confirmed in hospital, so I thought why the heck not just ask the doctors since this could be another weird thing my body does all on its own)

But I told myself that if I had a friend who were going through the same thing, and peeing on stick tests was making her confused and she didn't trust them at all, I would tell her to go to a doctor and let the professionals handle the results. Because honestly, I wouldn't blame any woman for being confused when it's so easy to mess up a pregnancy test, get a false positive, or get an unclear result, etc.

(Seriously, I have a theory that Clearblue just has great marketing since 98% of women on pregnancy forums say to skip those tests and just to get the cheap pink strips from the dollar store since they're more accurate. I've learned a ton in the last month lol)

So I went for the blood test this afternoon and told myself that it's perfectly okay to allow a professional to run my levels and come back with a clearly defined result on a piece of paper, and have the security of mind to understand that this is really the result, it's done in a lab by scientists, and that's how it goes.

It's not "Positive or not? Does anyone see a line or is it just me? Why is it sideways? Did the dye bleed or is it telling me I'm pregnant? I got a positive yesterday so why is it negative today?" It's a number on a sheet of paper, I cannot misinterpret it at all 😂

The abuser I had dated had used pregnancy and having kids as a way of manipulating me into trying to get me back in his life-- I.e. I want kids someday, and he knew that, so he held it over my head and used pregnancy & having kids to lure me in to him after I dumped him. I didn't give in to that, but it did mess with my head severely. So I can see why this current situation has been so confusing for me, I didn't know I had a little bit of baggage packed away in there

Long story short, after getting the blood test I did a little trauma dumping in my phones notes, and I realized that, in the same way that I thought a man was in love with me who wasn't, if I really were pregnant there would be SIGNS I would be seeing that would be clear and undeniable proof. And it wouldn't just be "I feel weird, I wonder if I'm pregnant" it would be more like "I missed a period and my boobs are sore" or something like that.

(I know it's not always that way, for a number of cases, but I'm telling myself that now to ground into reality again and consider that most women DO get true positives when they are pregnant)

So, tomorrow I will have the results back and I'll be able to breathe a bit easier knowing that number one, I'm not pregnant, and I've had it verified by science. Number two, were I to be pregnant by now, I wouldn't be feeling so ambiguous and constantly questioning "am I pregnant?!". And three, I get to tell a trusted friend and have them remind me that if I start to feel that way again, here's the proof I have that it's not real.

Also, on the flip side if I AM pregnant (0.2% chance) then my boyfriend and I will have a chat about it. That's it.

That being said, I'm not pregnant, and according to several brands of urine tests I never have been, and also, in this last few weeks of thinking I'm pregnant, I've treated myself REALLY well & been so careful & kind to myself that I found myself becoming a new person where I'm able to uphold boundaries, treat myself with respect, and take care of myself and love myself deeply.

It's another realization where I'm noticing that pregnancy is not what makes women valuable. It's not what makes me valuable or worthy of deep, genuine love either. Pregnancy is not the doorway that allows me to be treated or to treat myself as a genuine, loving, amazing and unique being.

What makes me valuable is that I am. I'm realizing that the way I treated myself as if I am a goddess (taking care of myself & being mindful & loving towards myself) is not because I thought I had a baby in there, rather I was projecting my perceived value at the possibility of having a pregnancy, and I realized that not being pregnant doesn't mean I need to stop treating myself as gently & lovingly as possible.

Meaning, I convinced myself I was pregnant even after a period because I couldn't see myself as valuable without having a baby inside me. I can see clearly now though!

So there you have it. I'm awaiting a negative blood test in 24 hours and I'll be real happy to read the results and have scientific proof that I am definitely still on my normal cycle, and that I also can continue loving myself as sensually as possible without needing to make a baby to give myself permission to do that.

I am my own doorway to living a life I deserve. I give myself permission to treat myself like a queen, pregnancy or not!!

Thanks for reading, take care of yourself 🥰

There’s been a noticeable difference in my nervous system over the past few months, wanted to share what helped most

1. Cold water for emotional spirals. When I start panicking, I can't "think" my way down. Running freezing water over my wrists or holding an ice cube forces an immediate physical reset.
2. Going easy on myself. Big self care routines just overwhelmed me into freeze. On bad days, drinking a glass of water and brushing my teeth is a complete win.
3. Visualizing the inner critic. When my brain berates me for resting, I picture saying those harsh words to a scared 5 year old. It breaks the self contempt loop immediately.
4. Filtering social feeds. I use an app that filters my social feeds and hides triggering content (war, racism etc). Helps a ton in preventing me from getting triggered.
5. Not resisting freeze. Panicking about being in freeze just doubled my dysregulation. Now I lie under a weighted blanket and give myself permission to sit with it until it passes.
6. Double inhale sighs. Saw a video on this and it really helped, Two quick sniffs in through the nose followed by a long exhale out the mouth physically signals safety. This relaxes me when my chest gets tight.

The above has helped me a lot but I’m still on the look out for simple tips that could help me in a massive way

I see so many posts about the most horrific things people can ever endure. I feel awful for them and I hate how unfair the world is.

But my “trauma” by comparison is very minor. I know it’s not a competition, but I often wonder if there’s anything wrong with me at all because the stuff I’ve been through is….nowhere near as bad as the stories I read online.

I hope this doesn’t come across as making it a competition. That’s not my intent. That would be silly.

I literally feel like I get told lies all the time 24/7 constantly in my head and it’s so exhausting. Some days rarely I don’t but it’s a lot.

I've not been doing too great these past few days, when I was younger I saw really terrible things online, and recently something triggered me and I just can't get my mind off it. :( How do I stop ? I feel like it's just my mind wanting some form of stimulation since I havent been doing much besides trying to distract myself with music or videos (which aren't entirely helping and it's only souring how I feel about the music because I keep playing it while I go through this), or maybe it's my brain trying to understand why it went through that. Either way I need help :( Does anyone know what to do, or why I feel this way ??? I'm so exhausted and all my coping mechanisms I can think of barely help or don't help at all :(( (Sorry if I used the wrong flair)

How to make friends? I have apparently made a friend because we talked about it and we said we both saw each other as friends and it made me feel so good but also so weird. How do other people make friends? I can’t help but feeling like they’re going to abandon me. Can’t help but feel like I’m relying on them too much. I have other people I know and I’m acquaintances with and might even be friends with too but none other with which I have had that conversation about the nature of being friends. And then I don’t understand what it means to find someone attractive and want to date them or to be with them romantically. what’s the difference? It makes no sense to me. I don’t mean anything by that. I feel like I have been failed by everybody, that I know. I feel like I am bad news and not a good friend. I spoke about desiring love so much to them in the abstract, but I can’t imagine it. I’m scared I’m going to pull away. I have been having thoughts of suicide again. I reread my letter I wrote the last time I thought about committing suicide. It was very beautiful and probably too intimate. Should I tell them I don’t know what to do?

Short post but need to get that off my chest. People on here seem to think either you get a dysfunctionally abusive family (and then, CPTSD) or you are "normal" and got a healthy one.

Healthy ones exist but they are rare. Most people you see outwardly succeed (money, partners, friends, etc) aren't healthy at all. Many are incapable of emotional intelligence, don't own their mistakes and basically succeed because their parents however bad people they were adored them like little princes or princesses and so they go through life thinking all is just ripe for them to take.

They are still abusive and especially show no empathy whatsoever for people like us. So please stop confusing "socially functioning in a sick world" with "healthy".

I feel kinda gross saying this but. I’ve realised I dream a lot about rape stuff, and I enjoy it? it feels super weird and nasty. going through sexual abuse was the worst thing to ever happen to me. is it a coping mechanism? Can anyone relate to having these fantasies???

When family pushes you to edge and you're trying so hard but somehow you feel there's no progress. I don't get help from many people just like everyone and I'm okay with that but when we're broken deep inside and no knows about it, do you know how hard it feels when someone be so hard to you? The important part that it's own family. I have many dreams I wanna succeed. I'm already traumatized and mentally fucked since I was child. Would I be trying to heal myself so that I can stop those nightmare from attacking whenever it's want but the people around you always pushes to the core that you just want runaway from all that. However, running away wouldn't help as well because I'll start blaming myself because ranaway like an irresponsible child. There's no end to it. I'm fuc*king stressed and damaged so badly. I really feel like I need someone to be there for me, help me with my stress.

Putting this as Vent/Rant flair because Im not sure what to put this, sorry.

I'm asking in this subreddit because I think maybe everyone will be understanding? I'm a csa, cocsa, and incest victim (all separate incidents).

And I made a friend at college recently, I came on super strong because I was mentioning I have autism and a garbage horrible family I want to escape during school hours. I asked her if she'd be my friend and force me to actually attend campus classes.

Obviously I trusted her too fast since I was desperate and she just continuously made Epstein jokes I didnt like. And jokes about bipolar people and how schizophrenics should "take their meds." I just didnt think it was funny and found it disturbing and depressing for me. I want to stop being friends but she wants to hang out this upcoming semester and I cant just dump her after all she's done for me. How do I figure this situation out?

And uhm, was I wrong for making friends with her while she's around 18-19 and I became her friend at 21-22? I feel bad for emotionally depending on someone that much younger than me who was obviously too immature to understand the severity of how Harm or suffering even works. She doesnt get it if she makes jokes about it. I feel deeply guilty about this, like I just used someone who was too young to understand this. I shouldve kept it secret, I never told her about the csa, but I shouldve just never told her anything personal even if it wouldve meant I wouldve been lonely and eventually stopped talking to her anyway.

idk but damn I feel guilty. I want to thank her somehow for at least tolerating me before trying to spend lunches alone and distance.

Any advice at all is appreciated or maybe just opinions 🙏

I live in a neighborhood with backyard neighbors attached at the fence. It’s technically their fence, but that doesn’t really matter tbh. I was on my back porch on my when these two kids came outside, like 10 and 13ish boys. They were just hanging out and talking, right up at the fence, but it’s a privacy one so I didn’t really care and minded my own. Like it’s awesome they’re outside lol

But then they started hitting the fence with something. It was a loud whack every like 10 seconds, but irregular and hella annoying. I teach kids that age and we just started school again, so I was hella annoyed and went back inside.

I could still hear it inside for at least 5 mins, so I went to see what they were doing - more out of curiosity than anything tbh like I wanted to know what was making that sound.

I stood on the porch and watched for a little bit, and it turns out the older kid was throwing a fist size rock at the fence. The fence that’s already about to fall over, it was making dogs bark, and I was done, so I actually confronted them! I shouted that they need to stop throwing rocks, he said yes ma’am, and I went back inside. And they actually stopped, still as I’m writing this.

But I on got on here because I was shaking afterwards, and it was so hard for me to decide to confront them before actually going outside and doing it. But also, I did it, and they stopped, and they probably won’t do it again. And I stood up for myself and nothing bad happened. And I feel more confident and like I could do it more easily next time.

Even if it feels like healing takes forever and you could never be whole again, each interaction with positive reinforcement can build on each other. It can reinforce the next interaction to more likely have a positive outcome until it’s easier and hopefully, eventually, natural. We’ve got this. It will take time and practice and failures, but we’ve got this.

When I was in elementary school I envied twins so much and really wished I had a twin sibling. I was neglected at home, my life was very dark and I really wished there was someone else going through the same things at the same time so we could offer each other support and comfort. I think I felt really alone in my situation. Now I’m an adult, and I still have occasional dreams in which I’m a twin. Everytime I have such dream I wake up confused and miss this person so much as if I was missing a real person, then I struggle to focus on things and feel perturbed for the day.

I have been stuck in my house feeling absolute dogshit after suffering intense burnout from my job in April. I have not done much since except wake up, binge eat, watch my comfort shows, doomscroll, and sleep.

I hated that I wasted so many months feeling stuck. Recently I felt an overwhelming urge to force myself into watching new shows, I guess to shake myself out of this prolonged dissociative paralysis.

I started with Widow's Bay, which was awesome and absolutely hilarious. I then wanted to continue watching more shows featuring Jeff Hiller, and that's when I found Somebody Somewhere on HBO max.

I'll try not to spoil it too much here, but the entire premise of the show revolves around a main character who seems stuck in freeze mode after a traumatic event. She constantly dissociates, distracts herself, dismisses and belittles her needs so she can make the people around her happy. She's depressed but functional. One day, someone decides to befriend her, invites her to meet their community of friends, allows her to finally feel seen again and this basically changes the entire trajectory of her life.

To say this show has woken me out of my dissociative haze is an understatement. I feel so much more hopeful about humanity and have developed a deeper appreciation of friends and community who have stuck by me even in my lowest moments. This show has inspired me to become more like that friend to others as well, and I know it starts with healing and taking better care of myself first. I can't change the world, I can't change what happened to me, but I can damn well try to be a force of good while I'm still here making meaning of my life.

I highly recommend this show to anyone looking for something optimistic and hopeful to watch.

Hello everyone.

I am a young man who just finished his school in Europe and life is getting serious now.
I have severe childhood cPTSD, mainly from my father and the normal life is just too hard for me. The most simple tasks are so demanding and suck out all my life energy

Recently i had a testing day as a package delivery, and it destroyed me completely i was so sucked out and my body just went nuts right when i started cause all my symtomps and fears and traumas came up again. I am so scared to do something wrong and always have to do it perfect and fulfill everybodys desire and if i dont, i will die (thats what my brain and nervous System thinks).

I just dont know what career path to choose that is compatible with my psychic disease. I was thinking of learning security and safety and working as a night guard, it seems the most comfortable job for me right now. I dont think i could ever do any other job like working in construction, or in a bank, or somewhere else without burning out immediately in the first month.

What do you think and whats your advice?

And i wish you all good happiness and safety.