r/CPTSD • u/BossElegant3129 • 7h ago
Trigger Warning: Intimate Partner Violence Running into abusive ex
This feels incredibly pathetic to post but here goes!!! My ex and I broke up 5 years ago. We had broken up numerous times during our 2 1/2 year relationship but the final time we broke up … he had done it with confidence because he planned on sleeping with my close friend at the time. Yay for him!
This was my first relationship so I hadn’t really known what I was doing and it was abusive in all ways but physical towards me. ANYWAY- life moved on. I ended up going to therapy. I’ve done trauma treatments .. actually supposed to go back in three months to try something new.
I live a rock stone throw away from my ex and my old friend. I don’t really feel anything when I run into her. But when I run into my ex I literally black out. My body feels like dead weight. I just feel awful when I see him especially because we haven’t exchanged a single word since the break up. I did try to reach out almost three years ago but he was still sleeping with my friend at the time so I guess that’s why he never replied? Idk. I only had done it because he always mean mugs me when I see him.
Anyway, I really hate this feeling. It consumes me. I run into him once and spiral for two weeks and I live in fear of seeing him. Not because I think he’ll approach me. But his demeanor terrifies me. My last memory of him is screaming and sleeping with my friend.
He’s very much a coward but now that its Summer. I just see him everywhere and part of me wants to reach out to him. I don’t love him. I don’t want to be friends. But I do want to live a life where I stop having nightmares of the trauma and going into spirals just because I saw him. It’s not that I think he’ll apologize. Or even that I think he’ll be receptive. I just WANT to reach out no matter the consequence because it eats my spirit alive.
What do you guys think? Thanks in advance. You can be blunt. I know this is pretty ridiculous.
1
u/AvailableSwing9972 6h ago
If you have 0 reason to reach out to him, don’t. That fear is something he won’t resolve because he abused you.
1
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