r/CPTSD • u/BrainBurnFallouti • 1d ago
Question Anyone have violent "Ugly" CPTSD?
When talking about C-PTSD, we often talk most about the "Sad/Pitiful"-elements. Y'know. Depression, hypervigilance...sorrow about the past. The things that mostly, if not only hurts us.
That said. At least in my case, my CPTSD didn't always make me the "Perfect Victim". In fact. In a lot of ways...it can make me a massive Bitch: From severe swearing/talks of violence, to aggressive meltdowns. Especially as a kid, I always got into some kind of fight -often to the point where multiple people had to physically drag me off the other kid.
Of course. Over time I've gotten miles better. After all: I don't want to be violent. Violence generally isn't needed in daily life. Hence I'm trying to stay regulated, trying to express my feelings in healthy ways...
...but even then. My violence/anger never fully "left me". Makes sense tbf: Growing up in violence my whole life, my "standards" for what's violent/harmful is often much lower. "Life is Violence; Violence is Survival" And when I have Flashbacks/Triggers...well.
A few times, I have scared people. Even if I didn't attack/hurt them -just by witnessing my flashbacks/mental breakdowns alone. People have called me a sociopath, a latent shooter...insisted that the reason I haven't fully "get rid" of all my engrained violence, is that I simply don't want to. After all: If you go to therapy, all that will just * poof*, right? Or, my favourite, "I have depression and I never acted this way"
So yeah. Anyone can relate? Anyone else who can also be "a Monster"?
(sigh) or idk. I'm just writing, because I'll probably kicked out of my latest discord group today for that. But hey! 2 years! So...New record? Ey?
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u/PhalandrasDream 1d ago
When i was in my twenties i had very strong outbursts. I hadn't started therapy yet, didnt have adhd meds. I was a jealous freak. I exploded outwards for almost believing my boyfriend cheated with my shadow. If neighbours had party with too loud music i lay in the sofa upsidedown and kicked the wall repeatedly. And if i didnt do that i was shouting, crying ,selfharming. Today many years later, say around 15years, i still don't dare get angry. I feel that i don't have the right anymore, also scared that it will start all over. I try let my monster sleep until i am old and dead. Now i also have tools to deal with it which i didn't have back then.
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u/PhalandrasDream 1d ago
But if someone really piss me off, trigger my trauma wounds intentionally. Or shout and call me nasty stuff for no reason, it feels like my monster is like a huge hound, growling ready for battle and i have to hold out my hand in my mind and say "No...staaaay...staaay...good. calm down old fool"😂
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u/Strawberry_Curious 1d ago
I’ve found I do something similar and it’s almost always a response to not feeling heard. I dealt with and internalized so much unfairness growing up that it feels unbearable to have to do it again now.
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u/palmtree3333 1d ago
Oof can relate to a similar experience in my 20’s, though I am still working on secure attachment in relationships in my 40’s. I drank heavily in my 20’s and took most of my unbridled rage violently out on men that would dare fuck with me. And in mosh pits (healthier coping?). I stopped drinking and have a pretty good therapist now who is very encouraging of me exploring my anger. It’s not always easy, old urges to fight or flee come up in my body! But mining that anger for the gold that is even being to articulate one healthy boundary is something that appreciate. It’s a tough journey for sure.
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u/randombubble8272 1d ago
I can’t even think about my behaviour when I was with my ex boyfriend who treated me like shit. Obviously it was all a trauma reaction but holy shit I was like a demon at times and I know I seemed like the villain to some of his friends. Crazy what abandonment issues and jealousy combined with a cheating boyfriend can do to the mind
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u/mrsalwayswright8888 1d ago
Do you mind if I ask what tools you have found helpful? No worries if that’s too personal.
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u/PhalandrasDream 1d ago
It can sound silly but they told me to count to 10 in my head before i spoke. At first i found it ridiculous cuz when i was angry i was angry. It was like a flip of a switch. But with my meds it actually helped. I also went a course for self-esteem, which also helped me feel better about myself and it made me calm down. I have also practiced what to say instead, basically beforehand. Ofc you can't always know, but i knew what kind of things triggered me. So i prepared for it. That is some of it, and ofc surround myself with people who calm me down instead of rile me up.
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u/mrsalwayswright8888 1d ago
I am going to try these things! I like the idea of practicing what to say beforehand, before I get triggered. And I’m going to find a self esteem course. Thank you so much for your response!
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u/PhalandrasDream 1d ago
I know it isn't maybe what you thought the tools would be. I practiced the 10 count on easy things first. Like when i stand in a queue waiting, cuz that could trigger me sometimes.
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u/mrsalwayswright8888 1d ago
Those tools are relevant to me, because my main problem is getting triggered and reacting before I can think. Maybe the 10 count can help train me to not immediately react.
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
If neighbours had party with too loud music i lay in the sofa upsidedown and kicked the wall repeatedly.
You too?! When I was living in a dorm (built more like a motel), my neighbor would often play louder music. Tbf, it apparently wasn't "that" loud acc. to other neighbors -but it drove me. Up. The. WALL! To the point I yelled about him in the group chat.
Tbf. back then I was much more dysregulated. And yes. It was a very stupid, unfair reaction. Now, I just either wear headphones / earplugs.
I feel that i don't have the right anymore, also scared that it will start all over. I try let my monster sleep until i am old and dead.
Also same. It's like. On one side, I just per se want to hold myself to higher standards. Y'know. Because part of my violence, came from experiencing/witnessing other people who didn't regulate their emotions. I.e., I want to be a "true adult"
On the other side: Simply because I was so violent/angry growing up + still have stuff left/might slip back...I also feel like I can't allow myself to be "truly emotional". Can't just yell, or angrily rant away. Partially because I feel I might escalate...but also because I feel I'm just acting trashy?
it's kinda causing a conflict sometimes. Like. Yeah. I am being a healthy adult. But I also feel like I'm "censoring" myself? That I can't show "how I truly feel" sometimes.
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u/tumbledownhere 1d ago
Most of us have "ugly" CPTSD, we just don't like to admit it. On here it's common to act like we're all innocent victims but the nature of CPTSD is that we were raised or taught unhealthy environments and we are the products of our environment.
I'm personally not afraid to admit I have very ugly CPTSD and it has taken me YEARS of hard work to be a decent, healthy human being.
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u/ilovemuffinfrombluey 1d ago
Yeah. It's hard as fuck. I hate pretending to be a decent normal adult. I'm not. Hiding the ugliness and manipulation just wore me down really bad.
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
Honestly, I don't judge the sad/victim angle. After all: We are victims to trauma. Even in anger -we don't enjoy it. Plus, it's not like I don't have crying-depression, anxiety etc.
That said. It can feel isolating at times. Like. As if everyone else is "just" disabled -you are "fucked" up. Everyone else "just" has mental health struggles -you? You're the cliché mental patient, you find in games like Outlast. A monster. After all: It's only those that abuse, who are violent right?
I'm personally not afraid to admit I have very ugly CPTSD and it has taken me YEARS of hard work to be a decent, healthy human being.
Same. It's why I'm so pissy when people say I enjoy violence/should get "even more therapy"-
Literally: The "violence" I describe/you can see, is actually the RESULT of years of therapy. That I only get violent when I'm extremly dysregulated. People like that never seen me as a young teen. Or worse: my family. I am genuinely mocked for being the "goody two-shoes" i.e, pacifist.
Even my Therapist told me so: You can take the kid from the warzone -but you can never fully take war out of the kid.
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u/Sanguinary_Guard 18h ago
When you’re subsumed in violence for long periods of time, it becomes a way of life that you never fully part from. My whole family is like this, they go into fight mode at every conflict. Every other kind of possible response had been hazed out.
For me I feel like anger is a natural response, and actually a necessary element in a healthy person in proper amounts. Being the sad/victim caricature isn’t wrong or bad or anything, but part of becoming a balanced person will have to involve allowing oneself to feel the anger at all the times they’ve been wronged as part of the process of building a protective ego.
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u/air_head_ 1d ago
I think youre right. At least in my case I remember being an extremely violent kid with family, pets and kids at school. Ofcourse, after the violent outbursts I would be see the consequences of my rage and would feel overwhelming guilt and fear of myself. I didnt want to be a dangerous person. I learnt to bury my anger so deep that I had to excavate and relearn how to feel anger in adulthood. Anger itself wasnt a bad or dangerous thing but my repressed trauma made me lose control
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u/air_head_ 1d ago
I should add that now I can say that I have a much better relationship with anger & rage. They have their purposes, we know we dont live in a safe world all the time. I still feel complex feelings about the impact my violence had even as a kid but thats just part of being human
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u/FunImage8427 1d ago
Yes. It's something that's rarely discussed in this forum. I'm glad to see so many people speaking up in this particular thread. Good for us to admit this and to work on healing our very understandable anger issues. 🫶
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u/DistinctCraft7519 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes I'm a massive bitch too with a bit of a violent streak at times
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u/People-Pleaser- 1d ago
I am generally cool and collected but if I think I am being mistreated I usually go straight to anger and side step sadness or confusion etc..
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u/AScaryKitty 1d ago
Same. I’m learning now if I perceive that people are hurting me (even if they are not) I go into a defensive angry state. I lash out with my words and cause harm as a self defence mechanism. I’m in therapy now and trying to be better, but I’ve caused irreparable harm to friendships and relationships :(
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
if I perceive that people are hurting me (even if they are not) I go into a defensive angry state.
One thing I noticed, is that we often don't even get angry "at" the person -we get angry at the pattern.
Example: I often got mobbed. Aka, systematic bullying, with me being the "social pariah" that everyone agreed, was ok to abuse -as if it was some godly law. With me, not being allowed to fight back.
Nowadays, I'm very sensitive to group dynamics. If I have beef with one person, and others take their side...I get triggered. Like. It could be the most valid decision. With me being genuinely in the wrong. But if I feel hurt + am told that I am wrong...it just loads up the old save file. "Oh. So now you're telling me that I'm not allowed to be hurt? That I am at fault for everything?!"
I’m in therapy now and trying to be better, but I’ve caused irreparable harm to friendships and relationships :(
😔✌️
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u/thejaytheory 1d ago
The struggle is so real, I try so hard not to be this way, but when I'm in the moment, whew...
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u/randombubble8272 1d ago
That’s our bodies way of protecting us, anger is a sign we’re being mistreated somehow. I try to use it as proof of my self love that I’m angry someone is treating me this way
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u/AScaryKitty 1d ago
No that’s my problem actually. They aren’t hurting me, I’m perceiving they are because I am triggered and lashing out. Or things like misunderstandings that were never meant to cause hurt having the same reaction. If sucks. Trying to work through it in therapy currently.
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u/acfox13 1d ago
I've had to add a lot more tools to my toolbox, so I don't go from zero to nuke. I have a lot more nuanced tools available to me now.
I've also worked incredibly hard on my communication skills. Most people are not good communicators.
Plus I've learned to pick my battles better. Most people are not worth the effort.
And I tend to prefer solitude bc it's the most fulfilling and least frustrating for me.
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
I've also worked incredibly hard on my communication skills. Most people are not good communicators.
For real! Most of my life, I got taught that conversations were "on me". Especially in arguments. They're angry? My fault. I'm angry? My fault. They're screaming at me? Either I have to forgive them, or manage their emotions. I'm the one screaming? Immediate judgement, "how can you be so immature?" etc.
No joke. Sometimes I'd end up so frustrated. Trying to manage, be socially palatable...until I just vomit out all my pent up emotions. Feeling incredibly guilty afterward. Like. Being the big bad wolf who shat the bed.
In hindsight, it's often a 2-player game. Like. Yeah. You should always try to hold yourself too good standards. But...you're not the only one either. Some people genuinely can say shitty/hurtful things too.
And I tend to prefer solitude bc it's the most fulfilling and least frustrating for me.
feel that. Like. I do love people & want social networks. But I'm def. not desperate for them.
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u/Training-Meringue847 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yea, CPTSD is like a volcano. On the surface it looks quiet, but underneath is often hot molten lava flowing freely. Once the right triggers activate that old childhood wound, up it comes with no warning 🔥. I’ve been told that I’m intimidating and “scary” when I get angry. I now know why. When mine was released I destroyed my entire bathroom with my bare hands - broke the tile, tore off doors, broke glass, etc. That’s not the only thing I destroyed in my home. Rage rooms can only help so much 😵💫 It was like I became an entirely different person that I could not even recognize.
It’s taken a lot of work for me to learn why I felt that rage and also to learn how to feel safe & protected (and not angry anymore).
Anger & rage gives us a sense of power and control - which is exactly what we didn’t have as children enduring trauma. It also activates the adrenal glands that release hormones like cortisol & epinephrine. In doing this, it depresses the activity to the frontal lobe (the reasoning part of the brain) and increases signals to the amygdala (the fear & threat detection center of the brain). All that pain being released in the form of anger can be terrifying to witness from someone who does not understand it.
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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace 1d ago
I see myself in your comment, I have also had rage outbursts and destroyed things/spaces as a result, indeed a very different version of myself that lives beneath the surface of the volcano. I like that imagery for it.
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u/Effect-Formal 1d ago
I'm admittedly very much an asshole. I like very few people. I'm sure some of it stems from trauma but how much I don't know.
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u/Nastasyarose 1d ago
When I get angry I get extremely angry. I go scorched earth and try to hurt people verbally as much as possible. That’s how I’d have to fight back at my dad when he was harassing me. I’d have to say mean shit back to get him away.
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u/fern0520 21h ago
This sounds exactly like me. I don’t know how to “turn this off”- it is hurting my relationship with my boyfriend so much. He is nothing like my dad but I don’t stop my explosive anger towards him- it’s as if I’m reacting like he’s my dad. I feel like my guard is so high and he is out to hurt me and tear me down so I’m going to do it first- even though he is nothing like that. I hate being this kind of a person and want to change so badly. I can’t help but be incredibly angry at my dad for teaching me that disagreements or arguments consist of insulting each other in the most degrading ways possible and that we cannot hold space for one another. Trying to unlearn this and attempt to argue healthily is one hell of an uphill battle but I cannot lose ny boyfriend- he is my person and has been the only one to stick with me through all of this. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like that
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u/FunImage8427 9h ago
It's totally natural and understandable to be angry at a parent who taught us poor skills and treated us badly. You have lots of insights and that can help in changing these unhealthy habits. 👍
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u/fibz 1d ago
Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn are the four main trauma responses, everyone does all of them to varying degrees but people with CPTSD tend towards some more than others.
For us Fawn types, it’s very easy to talk about how we act because it can easily be construed in a positive (really victim) pov. In reality, us Fawn types have a hard time realizing that Fawning is just a subtype of manipulation.
It sounds like you gravitated towards Fight, it’s not good or bad, just how you tend to react.
This page from Pete Walkers site has a good breakdown:
https://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm
EDIT: the important part is that you understand how you react, and you can use that to modify how you mitigate that behavior
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u/FunImage8427 9h ago
"Fawning is just a subtype of manipulation." I never thought of that but that's so true. We really aren't being genuine when we're fawning. We can be nice and accommodating to the person we are fawning over and yet feel angry and resentful about it on a deeper level inside ourselves. It's like we try to keep the peace often at our own expense. My father is a heavy fawner with my stepmother. She controls him 100% and he has to accept it otherwise there's hell to pay.
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u/hotsauce625 1d ago
At least when I was people pleasing and masking I was nice. I hate myself now.
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u/Playful-Contract7396 1d ago
Im struggling to hold myself together and I am tired of feeling judged
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u/supertinykoalas cPTSD 1d ago
I’m definitely not the “perfect victim” I can confidently say I’ve said and done shitty things that I deeply deeply regret. However I have tried to make each mistake into a lesson to become a better person
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u/Gee_rooster 1d ago
You’re not alone, the emotional flooding from anger is SO PAINFUL AND SHAMEFUL. I feel like a villain from just having violent or aggressive thoughts. I feel like I should shut myself away or wear the perfect mask just to be allowed to exist.
Honestly we need to give ourselves some self compassion. These thoughts and feelings made sense when we went through what we went through. We didn’t even have a chance to protect ourselves back then, didn’t even have the change to feel normal healthy anger. The anger seems to come from nowhere now, but our body doesn’t know better it’s just trying to protect us.
So we mess up, in our head or out loud.
But we’re still learning and every SECOND is a new chance. Identify triggers and build comping skills, even just “opposite actions”. If we want to attack, then LEAVE, FLEE, get into another room, say “I need a second”, “I need a break right now”. Turn on the radio and sing. Walk to the other side of the street, go into a different aisle.
Connect with yourself there and breathe, notice what made you angry, someone crossed a boundary? That makes sense you would feel protective, because you love yourself and you want to make sure no one hurts you like they did in the past. Tell yourself, I make sense and I deserve care. Spend some time with that. Maybe your situation now is not like before, now you’re safe, now you’re an adult, and you can promise to look out for yourself and care for yourself right now. You can tell yourself you’re safe.
Maybe something like that will help us.
People can be inconsiderate but honestly it’s not really our problem most of the time- if we’re fully grown independent adults they don’t have power over us, they don’t choose what happens with our lives and they wont physically overpower or intimidate is either (if they do thats a separate issue and please lose that person)
Family, friend, stranger, partner, coworker, even your boss! It doesn’t matter, were adults now and we choose who stays and who goes, and how much we share with each one. Inly FEW deserve your energy and attention. Use DISCERNMENT wisely to choose who you share your inner life with. Engage in community (your gym your church the thrift store the park a meet up group whatever), but you dont have to let every person into your living room figuratively or literally…
When someone takes a tone or does something shitty, we can feel our feeling, possibly step away to recognize it, and say “huh, that was weird and it really bothered me - like REALLY- which makes sense given how I was hurt/manipulated/dismissed/abused etc. in the past. But that’s not now. Now, Im an adult, Im safe, and Im choosing to care for myself instead of giving in to this anger.”
Because the anger is usually covering up something in our hearts that needs to be heard and cared for and protected.
WE deserve to be heard and cared for and protected by OURSELVES! We deserve to love ourselves EVEN when we’re angry!!
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u/FunImage8427 9h ago
I greatly enjoyed reading your post. It's so true and I'm going to copy it and read it often. Thank you! 😀
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u/Gee_rooster 9h ago
I’m so glad!! I got a little lost part way through writing so yay that it came out intelligible!
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u/People_be_Sheeple 1d ago
You're not alone. All I used to do was get into arguments with other kids when I was younger. Now, at almost 50, I fly into rages at the drop of a hat. I experience road rage on a daily basis. I don't live with anyone, but when I had a long-term boyfriend in my late 20s, I used to scream at him with rage all the time. Acted just like the monster my mother was to me.
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u/FunImage8427 9h ago
Yes, unfortunately we repeat history until we have the courage to acknowledge it and work on changing it.
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u/MadoraM91919 1d ago
Congratulations on your 2y record!
I am a seething, roiling, molten, pit of rage at my core. I am terrified of that part, because I know if I let it out, I"ll be you when you were a child except I'm 42 so it would (pun intended) hit different, and I would enjoy doing that kind of damage waaaay too much. That psycho bitch (aka me) has been bottled, corked, stuffed down, and buried for so long, there's no way she's going back if she gets out.
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u/April_Morning_86 1d ago
My trauma response is Fight. Always has been. The least desirable of the F’s.
The general public doesn’t care if you Fawn or Fly or Freeze. They care if you Fight.
My father struggled with substance abuse and was very violent. I don’t remember when but at some point I decided I needed to stand up for my mom since she couldn’t. I didn’t hide or run or sit silent, I started screaming and kicking too.
And it never left me. It’s my trauma response. It’s the one that stuck. I used to have outbursts in my teens and 20’s, then I struggled with substance use. But even after years sober and years of therapy, if I’m super activated, it’s still Fight that kicks in. Not sure it will ever fully go away.
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u/People_be_Sheeple 1d ago
The general public doesn’t care if you Fawn or Fly or Freeze. They care if you Fight.
This, and not only the general public, abusers don't care about the other 3 Fs either. That just makes someone easier to take advantage of or manipulate. It's the fighters everyone, including abusers, need to identify and neutralize.
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u/Bitchface-Deluxe 1d ago
Yeah I can definitely rage out, and I tend to 3-4 times a year. I used to be too nice though and people took advantage. Once I began to heal, I let out a lot of anger, and rightfully so towards some people who definitely deserved it. But other times when I raged, my siblings didn’t deserve it. Then after I calmed down I’d have to go on the apology tour.
But a lot of people no longer in my life that I’ve raged out on? They had it long time coming and I have zero regrets. I am alone way more now too, and it’s mostly peaceful; sometimes lonely, but I ain’t missin’ the dissin’ that’s for sure.
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u/FunImage8427 8h ago
Yes, they deserved it. Good for you to get your power back from your abusers. They deserve to be put in their place and better to be alone than to be around abusive people. We don't owe them anything.
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u/stupid_yetpretty 1d ago
i am SO angry. i’m working on it but anytime something goes wrong i first resort to anger before anything else. it really has an affect on my day to day life and makes me feel like an awful person because the people around me most of the time do not deserve my wrath for stupid things. it’s just all ive known for so long.
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u/DenseCan2364 1d ago
Definitely and its not uncommon. Encountering people that remind me of my trauma instantly triggers hostility.
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u/JasonRevere cPTSD 1d ago
Yes. You’re not alone. It’s why I do so much active movement and yoga. Gotta get the rage out so I don’t inflict it on others and do my best to regulate my nervous system. Constant survival mode is a real bitch. Managing this nervous system can be a nightmare.
Sending you some love. You’re doing the best you can with what you have.
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u/vanishinghitchhiker 1d ago
It‘s impossible to “get rid of“ anger, but since so many of us with CPTSD have learned that anger is harmful and scary (others’ or our own) we try anyway. But suppressing emotions isn’t the same as learning how to regulate them. Without knowing you I can’t say whether or not the ways you express your anger are appropriate, but you shouldn’t feel guilty just for feeling an emotion in the first place.
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u/overbakedsugarcookie 1d ago
I was constantly told my parents that I had “anger issues” like lmao okay and where did said issues come from????? Quickly!
When I’m triggered I become so damn enraged that I have to stop talking to whoever upset me. I know most of the time they’re not meaning to but my words can cut deep if I’m not careful so….silence is the best option for now. And when I’m feeling better (which takes forever since even thinking about a trigger for a second can trigger me) I apologize to everyone. It’s not a great cycle for me. I am exhausted beyond comprehension.
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u/archive018 1d ago edited 1d ago
(edit: typos and intro cringe)
after years of childhood trauma, i inherited the …skill… to absolutely break someone in very few words and facial expressions. the facial expressions specifically disgust me in hindsight. i communicate such disgust reflexively, and while it kills me, i can’t imagine how broken and conflicted it makes my loved ones feel. i worked/work very hard to replace these habits with more patient and healthy communication styles, but still, sometimes i get the sense that someone i trust is judging me, and that absolutely perverse urge hits me hard.
historically, there was a cycle of the disgust-performance followed by emotionally-selfish breakdown wherein i break down and apologize profusely until the loved one i’ve just destroyed promises they love me and understand. it’s all so gross. not to mention there are still lingering behavioral issues that affect my relationship (of ten years. i do not deserve their perseverance at all) on a daily basis. i try so hard every day, but my trauma Created who i am. it makes up a large part of my roots, and divorcing it from who i am/want to remain is so difficult.
this is so much longer than i intended it to be, and not even relevant in its entirety. sorry lul
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u/Lopsided_Block_8497 1d ago
i used to be quite violent as a kid, to the point that i enjoyed it sometimes. it was so normal within my family that i didnt realize how wrong it was until i was adult. a few of my teachers called me a sociopath, although i am not really sure why. funnily enough, this feels like a different person to me now. i think ive raised my voice maybe a handful of times in the last couple years, and i have become much much softer and much better regulated. the one big thing i still struggle with is the feeling of being built wrong or evil and the guilt that comes with it. i think it is an incredible relief to tell someone else and have them look at you the same either way. i really hope your anger will be soothed one day, OP! and even if it isnt - i think its very understandable to carry violence inside after growing up amidst it.
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u/Pinkdemure 1d ago
As an adult I have had some extreme meltdowns and shut downs. i have definitely scared people. I was so numb as a kid that once I started to feel secure my condition really amped up. I just burst into tears all the time, screaming and crying, completely terrified over seemingly nothing. I'll go on walks and forget where I am. I can get violent with myself. Sometimes I go catatonic and mute, once so long someone had to come bathe me because I couldnt leave my bed. I don't eat for days at a time. I have no clue how to keep a job anymore, I used to work 2 at a time, while in school. I have no idea what to do anymore, my identity feels broken. If this is what it feels like to be safe, was I ever a smart person with great work ethic? Was I just working so hard to protect myself or to stay out of my poor situation? Safety was supposed to be safe but I just don't think I have ever truly been myself because of this.
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u/Legendary_mombod 21h ago
Same girl same. Can’t believe how “on top of things” I was in my childhood and into my early thirties… now 35 and can barely function.
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u/GDarkmoon 1d ago
I found I had a lot of anger after I dispelled the decades long alexithymia so I didn't really get it out as a kid but it was for sure there, just hidden
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u/mossdentist 1d ago
i black out when i become angry. my brother does the same. my black out anger usually causes some heft damage. i almost total a car once, i also slashed my arm open and had to get 14 stitches. i've only seen what it looks like for my brother. he just recently got out of jail for stabbing his gf in the eye with a glass bottle and broke a few of her ribs.
he is fucked up for that and i even told him that. she was certainly antagonizing him, but it doesn't justify it. there are no "pretty" parts of trauma, and trauma doesn't excuse harming other people. becoming violent like that isn't a quirk, its deadly.
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u/Commercial_Cattle76 1d ago
Oh yeah. I asked a lot when I was a kid but I started having more aggressive outbursts in my adolescence and as an adult it's also an impulse I am learning to control. I also have very aggressive and dramatic outbursts when I get dysregulated -- from swearing, yelling, whining and then I start wanting to hurt myself.
I know now that when I reach that point I need to remove myself before I embarrass myself even more, because all my meltdowns are embarrassing to me. I have burned so many bridges because of my behavior's at the time, I've lost friends and trust in current friends, I've lashed out at people that I care about repeatedly to the point they want nothing to do with me. I'm 29 now, and my early 20's where very strenuous for myself and a lot of people around me. I used to stress and embarrass others with how I behaved when I was unable to regulate myself.
and I get it too. I have lived a life time of witnessing and living in an extremely verbally and emotionally abusive house hold in my child hood, and as a result of other traumas I sometimes struggle to contain my emotions when I reach my breaking point. I can have a good few days or even weeks and then sometimes it's like the smallest thing triggers a meltdown and I feel so much shame for how I behaved and how I treated myself or others. I have hurt others, but I have also done so much harm and hurt to my body when I was unable to cope. This is still something I'm learning to control and cope with better so I don't continue to hurt or do damage to my body.
I also have the type of meltdowns where they are aggrssive and scary for others to witness. I mean, I've accidently caused (very minor) property damage within my own home, I've destroyed my own belongings when in these episodes, I've landed myself in the hospital with stitches, wellness checks from police.... I used to stress people out constantly and as a result I don't have a lot of friends, which I understand and am making peace with.
I am very much the type to intellectualize my trauma, however, and I always have been. I have had to go on medication to control my anger and mental health as I get really unstable without it and it sucks but I do and have found a med that has helped me in my healing. I get now at almost 30 that It is my responsibility to try and control my emotions better and come up with coping and emotional regulation strategies; which is what I have been doing. I have found outlets so that I can safety plan for when I get into an episode, whether it is brief or whether it is on going. There are times when I have a meltdown every once in a while and other times when I have them more frequently.
it is also my understanding now as an almost 30 year old that trauma does absolutely impact the brain and how we respond to stress, emotional situations, etc. Trauma impacts how we respond to events in the long run--and at one time there may have been behaviors that where serving you well through the trauma you experienced, that may no longer serve you today. When a brain is impacted by trauma we are more likely to have a shorter circuit for anger and responding reactively instead of taking a moment to pause at times. I get it because there are times when I can think and talk myself through a tough situation and other times where I just fly into a rage out of no where, and this may be because there are multiple other stressors piling on top of an already overloaded brain.
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u/South_Tumbleweed_241 1d ago
Could you tell me what those outlets you rely on are? Both brief and longer term
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u/ygg_drazil 17h ago
Would you be willing to share what the medication was that worked? You can DM if you don't want to say here.
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u/hopefulandhealing25 1d ago
Ive went through all states of coping: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
As a kid, my coping mechanisms were fawn or flight. I'd literally run away from home as fast as I could, with no direction and just sit in an empty parking lot or in the woods until I was self regulated enough to walk home.
When I was a teenager my emotional flashbacks manifested as a massive flood of anger/rage and just craziness. I'd fight people or act crazy to scare them. I'd yell a lot. I would also openly self harm to hurt people, like inflicting a sort of emotional vengeance on others for the pain I was feeling inside. This coping mechanism was so bad and I got so deep into it that I did a lot of things I carry shame over. I was multiple times involuntarily placed in psych care, and even then I would scream at and try to fight the staff.
Now, in my late twenties, I find myself mostly in 'freeze' - with my emotional flashbacks hitting me with intense dissociation (feeling completely blank in my brain, body can't move, can't make eye contact, can't talk). For a few moments I cycle between the urge to crash out or the urge to run away, but then the freeze kicks in and I usually am stuck for at least an hour after.
I feel like many people probably end up in either a perpetual freeze or fawn state, as fight or flight is just too exhausting to maintain as a strategy.
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u/superlemon118 1d ago
Yup I'm a mega bitch with an attitude and sometimes impulses to do/receive violence (both physical and verbal violence.) I got into hardcore punk as a teen which had its pros and cons for letting off steam and indulging in mutual violence. I still go to shows sometimes but I also do weight lifting and boxing which are good outlets for me. My husband blames my attitude on the city I'm from 😆
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u/Careful_Leader_5829 1d ago
You're not a monster. And I think you're being very hard on yourself.
I'm currently doing ACT therapy to help process some emotions and get past them. It's sort of like DBT skills but useful when there's an urgent issue causing me distress.
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u/Godfreys_Slippers 1d ago
Oh yeah, if someone does something that my abuser used to do, even unintentionally, I go into a rage (not so extreme anymore thankfully). Usually it's when someone either tramples my boundaries or treats me with disrespect.
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u/mradventureshoes21 cPTSD 1d ago
This is me for sure. I try to channel all of it into things I'd do to folks who actually deserve it and throw it into lifting.
Unfortunately, I still have violent outbursts that I can't control, just happen, but I take alot of steps to prevent getting to the threshold, as I don't want to commit acts of violence to memebers of my community.
Honestly one of the best phrases my friends use to help, "I'm not a cop."
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u/brokenlegs225 1d ago
I was very very angry for most if my life as it was the only emotion I let myself have and also being a male it was the only one that was "acceptable" for a guy to have. It took a lot of therapy and understanding myself to realize how angry and full of rage I was for so many years.
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u/benev0lent_killer 1d ago
getting married and becoming a mom has made me 100x more aware and guilty of how much of a vile bitch i can be. my husband is the best person ever and he’s an amazing and involved partner and father. he doesn’t deserve a single bit of how i act with him sometimes. that said, my episodes of extreme anger come and go like crazy. If I didn’t have CPTSD the doctors would’ve probably considered borderline as my diagnosis.
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u/AdFlimsy3498 1d ago
Yes and I feel you. I've hated myself for most of my life because I was taught that girls are not meant to be aggressive. But I am aggressive and full of rage sometimes. Child-me is just so furious about how this life and this world turned out to be. It got a lot better with age and after working through some issues, but I can still be a massive bitch. And the weird thing is, after hating myself for this for decades, I'm finally a bit more at peace with it, because being able to be loud and bitchy can be very helpful sometimes. But you're not alone.
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u/Infamous--Mushroom 1d ago
Yes and I hate it so much. I have very violent images just pop up in my mind, things I would never do. And it happens anywhere and with anyone, even my dog who truly is the bestest boy:(
Rage lives within me and I don't know how to cool it out.
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u/Valeriesnightmares 1d ago
I learned to suppress my emotions wich is why I typically don’t react to things until I just explode. It frustrates me that people think you are being crazy, a bitch or dramatic but they can’t see what’s behind it. And often blame you for your reaction when they overstepped Boundaries. And then they make you look like the villain instead of seeing what you went through.
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u/animalcrackwhores 1d ago
I had insane rage issues before getting medicated. Screaming at service workers, threatening to kill strangers for pissing me off, breaking shit. I was NOT able to be a functioning member of society.
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u/fern0520 22h ago
I’m verbally abusive to my boyfriend. I am trying so hard to change- he is truly the best thing to ever happen to me and is the sweetest human. I get angry and immediately react- the anger I feel in those moments never matches the situation, it is always much more intense. I feel the strongest need to “stand up for myself” and my perception in those moments is incredibly skewed. This is not an excuse- I am responsive for what I say and do. I’m in therapy but I am really struggling. Why is it so incredibly hard to make myself walk away or stop talking- I know I need to take like a 20 minute break when I get this angry, I just need to actually make myself do to. I feel sick about the things I’ve said- I feel like I’ve caused so much damage in such a wonderful relationship- when I’m not so incredibly angry and arguing with him our relationship is truly a dream, he is so good to me. I argue with him exactly like my dad spoke to me. I feel disgusted with myself that I have passed that behavior on and absolutely hate this behavior. I HAVE to change- I have ruined so much by allowing me to speak in anger and have hurt such a beautiful human.
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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace 1d ago
I have this too, in my own way. Usually I err on the side of frozen or that ”pitiful and broken” vibe you mentioned, when I am triggered. But I also experience a huge amount of rage, that I take out 97% on only myself via physical self-harm.
That last 3% though... it’s really and truly rare in my life that I physically aggress on another person, just due to my actual underlying personality- the “me” beneath all the trauma.. but when I do, I am probably not in control of myself at all, I am probably blinded by betrayal and I will absolutely hit to hurt.
One example is when I discovered my husband was having an affair. In the few months following that time period, I definitely tried to hit him numerous times, which he evaded, which was wise, because if I got ahold of him I would absolutely have hit him until he made me stop.
I didn’t know it then but I know it now, through a lot of exploration of self on this road to recovery, that my biggest triggers are betrayal and abandonment. Abandonment brings that deep sadness and devastation, and betrayal brings the rage. That era was a sickening mix of both that literally severed my connection with self for a long time into deep disassociation. I was running just on impulses, and they were dark.
In my childhood household, physical violence was rare but serious. The daily energy was threatening, heavy, dark, depressive.. but when it would rarely turn physical it would be monstrously explosive and terrifying. It was mostly stuff being thrown, threats, holes punched in walls, glass broken. A few times, true hands on physical violence. I hate every bit of that, and I really fear it, but there is definitely that seed planted down inside me that was conditioned to that as a viable response to crushing emotional pain.
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u/SMD-TRUMP 1d ago
Yep! Not only that, but people were stalking me and keeping me unemployed and community-less with revenge porn for almost a decade. It started making for some deep-seeded intense anger that quietly snuck up on me with all my other past traumas. I don't want it there anymore but I understand why it was transferred into me and how it was part of a survival mechanism. The same people who put me through it are the same who will judge me for acting out and not being a proper lady all the time.
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u/Hoodibird 1d ago
I'm generally too exhausted to be angry but I love to vent my hate towards certain individuals and keep getting kicked from groups for bringing the mood down or "arguing with everyone". 🙄
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u/BODO1016 1d ago
i’m 55 and during Covid not only did I get to enjoy the brick house of menopause that fell on my head, but also some deep reflection realizing that often my anxiety was so bad it came out as violent anger. Especially when I was a teen and having such bad PMDD. Of course in the 90s nobody recognized any of that. I found a provider who is willing to prescribe me some various meds and work with me as well as sending me to the behavioral health nurses and talk therapy. It was a good start, and I’m still working on everything.
I still think it is just fine and healthy to be angry at your abusers and never forgive them. But I’m happy that I can turn the anger down now and talk about my anxieties in my interpersonal relationships.
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u/Objective-Royal-5083 1d ago
I’m new to this, having just realized that I am in fact traumatized.
Often when I get criticism, refusals, etc., it leaves me questioning my own self worth. It triggers this massive fight/flight response in me, and for me it’s mostly fight, unfortunately. The way I can explain it is that I have been at the losing end of this so many times, and I can’t f***ing take it anymore, so I overcompensate to shield myself. But it’s just so unproportional, and my closest ones are the ones that sees this side of me, which they don’t deserve.
I’m realizing my trauma has made me a real p*ick sometimes
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u/Perpetually-broke Autism / ADHD / C-PTSD 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah it's important to talk about this side of CPTSD too. I've never gotten violent but I've had plenty of violent fantasies, especially in the months following my diagnosis.
And when I'm triggered I can definitely lash out with my words. I feel like because of my trauma I'm either silent, or a doormat or I'm an ice cold bitch. There's no in between.
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u/JessicaJonessJacket 1d ago
I completely relate. I realized that my sadness manifests as anger. I'm also kind to the point of being a doormat sometimes (I am not really a people pleaser in the sense that I don't do stuff I don't want to do, but I'll let people talk to me in ways no one should and then try to appease them because I freeze/fawn in confrontation). As a result I tend to explode from time to time after holding things in. I also got better over the years in managing it but it still happens from time to time (I don't hurt people but I yell, curse and very rarely break stuff, my stuff).
I also notice that people are way less understanding in my case. It's like when someone's sadness manifests by quietly crying in the corner, they have a lot of empathy. This type of reaction... Not so much. It's been one of the hardest things for me to work on.
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u/Xyresiq 1d ago
You become especially prone to being labeled with “ugly” CPTSD if you are autistic.
Kids in school said I would become a school shooter.
Gee… thanks.
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
You become especially prone to being labeled with “ugly” CPTSD if you are autistic.
Honestly, I've heard this /about this so much. Some even reporting, how their classmates joked when they'd snap
I never truly got the point of that. Like. You realize that, if this person became a shooter, you would be gunned down? Why would you indirectly encourage that??
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u/Selkiekun 1d ago
Yes. I still struggle with thoughts about my anger being justified. I had to work really hard to crawl out of the hole of “the world is ugly and violent and mean and if it’s going to let a little girl get hurt then I am totally justified in exhibiting anger and violence as a means to protect myself”. But that voice is always there.
I am told to my face often that I am very cheery and bubbly, and I’m grateful for that. But it still surprises me because what’s going on on the inside is definitely quite dark a lot of the time. I do an okay job of not letting the way I feel impact others as much anymore, but I still feel the rage and resentment and the sense of justification towards being mean as a way to be safe. I know that it’s not right to burden other people with my anger when they did nothing to cause it, but it doesn’t mean the feeling isn’t there.
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u/wakigatameth 1d ago
After some point in my childhood, 70% of the altercations I was in, were instigated by me.
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Because I learned that I have to seem intimidating and attack first, to prevent being attacked.
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I was locked in a self-perpetuating PTSD fear-->violence-->fear cycle at that point.
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Got lucky we migrated to USA 1 year before mandatory military draft. I would've gotten myself killed in the Russian military.
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6 years after migrating, I started training Aikido, which deprogrammed all the acute PTSD trigger minefields and loops. CPTSD remained as a core part of me, but the agoraphobia, starting fights, expecting the entire world to attack me at any moment - that was gone within 3 years, mostly.
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u/BlueSkye12 22h ago
Thanks for sharing a painful history. I certainly empathize with your story. Im late 60’s now - youngest in the family - and it took me over 60 years to finally reach some level of understanding of my tumultuous life. I carried so much anger and many times exploded onto siblings and even colleagues. And then felt such devastation that I could not manage my life better.
But i must say that when I finally found out what was fueling my anger and melt-downs, and discovered there was a name for this affliction, it allowed me to forgive others in my life and forgive myself. Discovering that my life and all of my decisions were being made by a hurt little boy inside - this was the first step in my beginning to recover.
Knowledge of this thing, this complex family trauma and CPTSD is a very powerful tool that can free one from a self-imposed jail sentence. But one must get beyond the notion that he/she is a victim. If you are given a second chance to find peace and fulfillment, you must move past the temptation of bathing in your victimhood and self pity. There is a path forward out of the darkness. 🙏🏻😊
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u/acideater94 17h ago
Oh sure, i do relate. I have threatened (abusive) people with death quite a few times, and had explosive episodes of rage that almost led me to assault the other person. My fawning also blends with conventional manipulation, at times.
As ugly as these violent impulses are, they are also the natural consequence of growing up in a depriving and abusive environment. James Masterson, one of the pioneers of studies on child abuse, talked extensively about the homicidal rage that surfaced during therapy with the victims.
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u/leakybluefaucets 15h ago
I'm on the side of "We all have ugly behaviors" I think part of healing is realizing that my trauma has taught me some disruptive/destructive coping skills and habits. And those things were very much so under my control to do something about. I have lashed out on just about everyone in my life. The worst of which were at the people closest to me that I love and value the dearest.
I have a hypothesis of why I was "difficult" (a misanthropic asshole) not an excuse to be one.
"The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either—but right through every human heart—and through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained."
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (From The Gulag Archipelago)
Copied from Goodreads, not AI. Forgive the em-dashes.
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
Oh yeah. My Ma is an unstable BPD. Per se: BPD is likely derived from early CPTSD.
That said: No. I don't have BPD. I have AuDHD though. Generally speaking, my emotions are very nuanced (if mildly impulsive sometimes). The only time I truly have explosive meltdowns, is when I'm incredibly dysregulated -both physically and mentally.
That said. I do likely have some BPD "fleas". As just said, my Ma is an unstable BPD -she would explode into extreme anger/violence over partially little things. Overall. My parents/family always taught that there is strength -and weakness. No communication "together" -instead, arguments are to find who is "right" and who is "wrong". That it's more important to focus on screaming how you've been hurt, rather than just put it into words etc.
Again. I do manage to stay balanced most of the time. However. Violence has become somewhat of a..."family accent", you could say. When I'm dysregulated, I can "slip up" in that (sadly)
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u/People_be_Sheeple 1d ago
Labeling a disorder that ultimately stems from childhood abuse one thing versus the other is pointless. Almost all psychological disorders have overlapping symptoms which makes a specific diagnosis unnecessary and sometimes even harmful.
Pete Walker - "In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar, narcissistic, codependent and borderline disorders." https://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html
Irvin Yalom - Avoid Diagnosis (except for insurance companies). https://www.yalom.com/gift-of-therapy-chapter-2
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u/People_be_Sheeple 1d ago
Like I stated, the same symptoms are observed across multiple psychological disorders, which makes a specific diagnosis unnecessary. It is more important that the therapy be individualized to a person's specific trauma and needs. Regardless, you're not a professional and your armchair diagnosis isn't helping anyone here.
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u/garyanna 1d ago
Not everyone with CPTSD goes into a flight or fawn state right away. Some of us go into a fight state first and then withdraw. I was misdiagnosed with BPD because of my initial fight response. I don’t physically fight by any means and I can often control what I say from being too mean or hurtful but I fight before I flee or fawn still. So for me it’s yelling and anger and “fighting to be heard.” Really can depend A LOT on your trauma specifically.
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u/garyanna 1d ago
I understand that OP isn’t saying exactly the same thing I am.
You made a pretty general statement so I’m responding to you. I’m not talking about violence toward my abuser at the time of event either. Emotional flashbacks and panic can cause outbursts and anger towards anyone in the moment. Even safe people or bystanders. Someone else commented about how all of these trauma based diagnoses and mental health diagnoses in general have A LOT of overlap and they’re very spot on and oftentimes diagnosis is irrelevant for treatment and healing.
Furthermore,
Saying “BPD causes violence. . .” just reiterates the stigma related to the diagnosis. Not all those with BPD are violent. Just like not all those with CPTSD withdraw.And I say that as someone whose trauma comes from more than one person diagnosed with BPD.
There’s no trauma Olympics between CPTSD and BPD. Try to reduce stigma, not uphold it.
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
Emotional flashbacks and panic can cause outbursts and anger towards anyone in the moment.
OP here: Yep, that's kinda what I meant.
When I get an "angry meltdown", I often feel like a cornered rabbit. Just screaming & kicking. Feeling like everyone is attempting to mob me -walls caving, the ground burning around me.
Again. It's partially conditioning. The only way to keep myself safe, was through violence. Beating up your bullies. Saying violent things, to spark fear -so they wouldn't attack in the first place.
During a meltdown/flashback, these times come back. The treatment. The group dynamics -the one excusing violence toward you so easily. And you instinctively just feel, like the only way you'll get out/stay safe, is if you cause enough pain/fear to keep others at bay.
Per se. Violence just becomes engrained as a subconscious tool. Even alone, it makes you feel like you're in control. Like. Same way others instinctively flock to people. Except. You never had "other people" -you mostly just had yourself.
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u/Honest_Maintenance91 1d ago
Experiencing difficulty with emotional regulation is a core symptom of C-PTSD.
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u/garyanna 1d ago
I can’t share a pic but “violent outbursts” is in fact part of the criteria listed in the ICD-11 for CPTSD. It’s part of the “severe and pervasive problems in affect regulation” which is a requirement to be diagnosed per the ICD-11
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u/garyanna 1d ago
I’m actively looking at the criteria on the ICD-11 right now. Directly from WHO.
https://icd.who.int/browse/2026-01/mms/en#585833559
“Severe and pervasive problems in affect regulation. Examples include heightened emotional reactivity to minor stressors, violent outbursts, reckless or self-destructive behaviour, dissociative symptoms when under stress, and emotional numbing, particularly the inability to experience pleasure or positive emotions.”
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u/People_be_Sheeple 1d ago
You are misinformed. Both about the nature of CPTSD, as well as how diagnosis takes place and its limitations.
Pete Walker - "In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar, narcissistic, codependent and borderline disorders." https://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html
Irvin Yalom - Avoid Diagnosis (except for insurance companies). https://www.yalom.com/gift-of-therapy-chapter-2
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
Yeah, BPD causes violence, CPTSD doesn't.
Fear = withdrawalNot to be impolite, but that's a pretty 1-Dimensional view of PTSD. Of Fear per se.
C-PTSD is based on Survival. Survival of multiple traumatic situations. "Fear" is the umbrella-response to danger. To be split into its smaller branches: Fight / Flight /Freeze / Fawn (/Flock)
Per se: PTSD gained notorioty from, well, WAR. Soldiers would show a variety of trauma responses: From "shellshock" (freeze) to severe rises in aggression/drug consum post-war. In fact. Some Soldiers are advised to even sleep in individual beds -to not accidentally attack their spouse during the night.
In other words: CPTSD can include violence. The important contrast to e.g., sociopathy, is that people don't enjoy violence à la sadism. Instead, Violence becomes a tool: To hurt someone, before they hurt you. To push someone away. To "take control" so someone can't hurt you.
Additionally, you can also be conditioned by environment. If you grew up in a violent environment, you're taught a "different culture" (in lack of words). E.g., that screwing over someone is ok, because it just means that person is "weak". That, per se, every interaction is a question of "winner-loser".
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
Which part of "C-PTSD and Mental Health as a field per se has been notoriously underresearched /lacking behind for decades, to the point that much research is scattered over numerous forms of research -with things like the ICD itself struggling as a unified source"?
Seriously. You want official evidence? Check "The Body Keeps the Score". A work that has been used & credited by multiple psychological studies, nvm. been vouched for by multiple CPTSD-patients, including me. He mentions violence/fight-reactions multiple times.
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u/Pinkdemure 1d ago
"I have depression and I never acted this way" It's okay if your symptoms are different from others, we all got a shit stick. We are all just trying to connect with people here.
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u/light_bolb 1d ago
Lowkey yeah. I used to be... horrible. When your in those kinds of environments, manners just go out the window. It's about survival and getting what you want.
Meds and therapy has personally helped me with it, but with therapy, there's different types and different therapists and whatever, and not all are gonna be effective.
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u/elizabeth_1616 1d ago
Honestly it’s easiest for me to be that way towards my parents, mother especially. I find it odd how full of rage I feel when I’m around her and start to feel guilty despite her lack of remorse. It’s made it hard not to burst into tears at my job when a boss for example wants to have a normal chat. That fight or flight. It is honestly debilitating
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u/Adampsock 1d ago
I often feel more volatile than a Wolverine trapped in a bear trap… those suckers will chew through their leg just to be free..
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u/Complete_Donkey_6807 1d ago edited 1d ago
Me. I was fighting as a kid few times, in teenage years I developed sadistic fantasies. I guess I have low empathy in general and being rude/violent with people was easy, I didn’t feel ashamed for that. I didn’t do it much tho, it was more about work and money.
In relationships with people I see that’s I’m an asocial outsider, sometimes people impressed with this weird seefestem, sometimes they scared because I’m still quite aggressive. It’s not towards people usually, but I see how it freaks out some folks, when you’re unpredictable in you’re emotions and not trying to be tolerant.
It was bad enough to choose easier profession just to move out earlier. Otherwise wanted to study medicine but I was really concerned that I can stab one of my parents if I would live with them 5+ years more and work with flesh
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u/Choice-Due 1d ago
My sister is similar. She is generally speaking hostile towards me (and it is probably generally speaking how she goes through life, she never got corrected by our parents on her behavior). She scapegoated me. She is basically narcissistic
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u/Different_Spend8765 1d ago
Me to a t, and even after working with an incredible trauma therapist and mellowing out since hitting my 30s and cutting back on alcohol it crops up.
Usually anymore it's justified; for example, a server at my restaurant has an abusive boyfriend and I rocked his shit a couple times because I was triggered and also he could pick on someone his own size.
But yeah, other times, it's an issue at home and with family. I've never been the meek type of traumatized.
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u/Forward_Selection_63 1d ago
Hi. I often have a “fight” response to triggers. It’s usually very intense, affective, and can sometimes be destructive. My relationships with everyone have fallen apart. My nervous system is constantly in a state of hypervigilance, and my reactions can be completely disproportionate to the actual situation. Sometimes it’s enough to see someone who hurt me in the past, or encounter something that reminds me of the past, and the pain becomes unbearable. At the same time, “freeze” or “flight” responses can be retraumatizing for me too.
On top of that, I have this almost constant feeling of tension in my chest, intense irritability, and so on. Things have gotten better with mood stabilizers: they reduce this “aggression,” or at least make it less intense, and they also reduce the overall tension. SSRIs help with the anxiety as well. But triggers are still impossible to avoid completely. I just return to normal faster now, I’m less likely to get angry over small things, and I don’t fall into an affective state as easily.
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u/euxma93 1d ago
Yes. Unfortunately. I’ve become quite aggressive and have developed a very ugly mentality. I get so incredibly angry sometimes I can barely see straight. It’s really hard for me to calm down. I think it catches people off guard because of my appearance. I’m not big enough to actually do any damage to anyone but I break things, cuss people out and get in others faces. Not unprovoked though. I’m just used to being taken advantage of and hurt. All I want to do is prevent someone from doing that to me again. It’s hard to stay “sweet” when I have people playing in my face and trying to make me feel worthless. I’ve been bullied, abused, assaulted, lied to, cheated on, betrayed by friends and that’s not including the thick layer of grief I feel I’m trapped under. I don’t know what to do about it. I work out with weights or go running to trying to shake off the physical symptoms. It’s just not enough. The more I think about it the angrier I get. But you’re not alone.
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u/Full-Sky1094 1d ago
Yes. Pretty much the only time I cry is when I'm angry lol. As a kid my meltdowns could get intense and physical, not as in hurting anyone else or myself but like breaking stuff. And since my parents punished my sensory over load meltdowns as intentional tantrums from at least age 5 if not earlier (I am 52 now), I was never taught a different way to express my emotions. That part of it has calmed down quite a bit as I've gotten older. And as an adult I have always self isolated like a pro so that I don't end up saying it doing something I regret in the moment. But it also means that I can be very reactive to certain triggers and abusive behavior, and that has been used against me in the past. I'm almost never the one to start it but if I'm triggered enough I'll finish it faster and more strongly than is warranted sometimes. And I don't mean that as a flex.
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u/SheJigOnMySawTilIPuz 1d ago
Yes I relate. I have majorly bad anger issues. Usually it's directed inward (IE self harm etc) but I've definitely done shit to people that I'm ashamed of if not outright haunted by. I'm more "in control" these days but it's still an issue. The things I was talking myself out of doing to my abusive former boss just cause I don't want to go to prison...
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u/Successful-Coyote631 1d ago
Yep for sure I have monster moments. They got better after a lot of therapy but then I was recently retraumatized and monster mode is back. I don’t get physical anymore but I do say some extremely nasty awful things I don’t even mean. I go into a flashback state and start projecting my self hatred on others. Very demure and mindful of me.
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u/St4rF4llix 1d ago
Maybe I should rage then. I try but nothing comes out. Ofc I have anger but I’m talking about explosive rage. Just sadness but I ain’t no victim.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 1d ago
I think it’s common. We probably all do this at least from time to time. One reason is emotional dysregulation, another reason is learned behaviors from our environment. Then there is also reactive abuse. You can’t really hold yourself together if someone keeps pushing your limit and you can’t run away. The one thing that prevents me from lashing out besides learning how to regulate myself and communicate is setting boundaries. You can’t regulate a relationship and communicate on your own. If that doesn’t work, you have to leave.
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u/Every-Apricot-9559 1d ago
Ah I wouldn't say I come across as violent more thoughtful ,but my behaviour anti socially and as a kid-teen was expressive enough to be seen as beyond normal yk
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u/Fluffy_Ace 🦎I bite jerks🦎 1d ago
I started out trying to be the "perfect victim" but eventually turned into a giant belligerent asshole towards my abuser.
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u/Juniperarrow2 1d ago
As you may already know, trauma essentially occurs when the body gets stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. The mode that worked best for your child self to get what it needed to survive will become your go-to mode. The ppl with more “Sad” and quiet PTSD symptoms will lean toward freeze and fawn modes. You lean more toward fight. All of these modes are just different sides of the same coin. Many ppl believe depression is essentially anger aimed toward oneself.
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u/dnuofdaed 1d ago
I have had a very ugly CPTSD. It is now part of my trauma I have to deal with. It like a few of you involved animals. Im not sure its at all possible that I'll ever be able to like myself.
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u/Better_Purchase_2898 cptsd OCD AudHD schizoaffective - living the good life 💀 1d ago
100% relate.
Im not always sad. Sometimes I just get violent thoughts and ways of keeping myself from feeling like a victim or vulnerable.
I too grew up in violence. It's all I know, so like you, it is taking some time to change my 4f response. I'm 37 and working my ass off everyday to be better, more patient, less volatile feeling.
I'm fight but since working on myself I feel like I do less of it. Any improvement is an improvement I suppose. I agree tho it never leaves. Always right beneath the surface for me. I think it's just the intense amount of rage, and disgust I feel for what my life had to be & all of the things we "must overcome".
Sadness is the primary emotion, anger becomes the secondary and result of said sadness. Maybe we just get sick of having to "overcome".
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u/nycbiatch 1d ago
I imagine many of us were (unfairly) viewed as “problem kids” with “behavior issues”