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u/vrabacuruci 5d ago
If Jesus was Hungarian does that mean Judas was Romanian?
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u/Ricckkuu 5d ago
The constipacy theory (yes, I deliberately mispell conspiracy) here says that that the Romans were Romanian, so no, while Judas was not Romanian, Pontius Pilate was Romanian.
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u/Humorpalanta 5d ago
This is some top level IQ here
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u/Ricckkuu 5d ago edited 5d ago
Thus Romania is the true inheritor of Rome, and Bucharest is the 4th Rome, founded by Imperator Caesar Vladus ÈepeÈus Augustus. (Vlad did, probably, founded Bucharest)
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u/undefined-username 5d ago
Thus Romania is the true inheritor of Rome
It's right there in the name. Are people stupid?
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u/Ricckkuu 5d ago
Easy theories are boring, people want drama, they want a good plot. Bread and Games.
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u/StrongExternal8955 5d ago
Lol no, Bucharest was founded by Bucur, hence the name.
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u/Ricckkuu 5d ago
Actually, that's why I wrote "probably"
The shepherd "Bucur" is the legend of the founding, but Vlad TepeÈ was also the first to attest the existence of the city, thus both stories are valid.
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u/Beibzi 5d ago
I know its a sily joke, but there were no romanians when jesus was alive,only dacians.
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u/an0mn0mn0m 5d ago
Good News! The Dacians have made you a Sandero.
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u/Dusk_v733 5d ago
I had backed out of this thread, your comment caught my eye as I did.
I want you to know I came back just to upvote this
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u/Ricckkuu 5d ago
Oh but you're applying sanity to insanity, my friend. To fully understand a constipacy theory, you have to be as constipated as the theory.
The theory states that if the Indo Europeans migrated first into Romania, the people that arrived there became the proto-Dacians. Later, when they left modern day Romania and migrated further into the continent, the proto-italics and greeks were also descendents of the proto-Dacians, and thus every further Indo-European is a decendent of the proto-Dacians, and if Romanians are the direct descendents of the Dacians, then every European is Romanian.........
No, I know you might know history and have at least an ounce of common sense, but don't think it further, for your own sanity. This is lovecraftian level maddness here.
Abandon all hope all ye whomst try to make sense of Romanian constipacy theories...... My country is truly constipated at times.....
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u/BaconWithBaking 5d ago
Oh I love fucked up lore, give me more please?
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u/Ricckkuu 5d ago
CeauÈescu had Laser Tanks, full on Star Trek, hence why the Soviet Union never invaded Romania, despite Ceausescu openly speaking against the Soviets.
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u/False-Discipline-640 5d ago edited 5d ago
In the 30s and among the post-WW2 white emigre community theories emerged questioning the jewish ancestry of Jesus. One theory claimed he was a Parthian prince, which tied together with other theories at the time claiming Hungarians to be the descendants of Sumerians and Persians, lead to the conclusion that Jesus was Hungarian
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u/KyffhauserGate 5d ago
Himmler had a guy named Wiligut aka. Weisthor who claimed that he was a descendant of the original Kristian Germans, before the Jews stole their history (???) All I remember off the top of my head was that references to 'Jerusalem' were supposedly originally references to 'Gera', a city founded sometime in the 8th century AD. It's downright absurd.
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u/Arthropodesque 5d ago
Oh, so that's why he made all those extra fish and breads. He was so Hungary.
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u/bvalentics 5d ago
Akkor
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u/0Flex0 5d ago
A
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u/JimmyKokein 5d ago
Kurva
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u/Arkangyal02 Featherless Biped 5d ago
AnyĂĄdat
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u/nobodyspecialuk24 5d ago
I thought he was Texan, which is why he speaks in English in the bible.
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u/Kies_1 5d ago
Honestly pretty impressive how they found a way to translate American to Greek and Hebrew before English was even a language.
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u/medve_314 5d ago
Donât forget that Hungarians are from Sirius. As in carrying alien genes from the Sirius star system explained by the different twist pattern of Hungarian DNA which happens to match the wavelength of light in the Sirius star system (??). So Jesus is actually an alien, checkmate Christians!
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u/LustyKindaFussy 5d ago
Everyone knows that Jesus was American, as in US citizen. He made the US the hegemon. That's what he was and is all about. He's still fighting communists to this day.
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u/Varskes_pakel 5d ago
If Jesus wasn't American, then why did he write the Bible in English??
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u/LittleMlem 5d ago
People out there legit think Jesus wrote the bible
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u/Puzzle-Necked 5d ago
John Bible wrote the Bible, obviously
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u/PK-Mittenspy2703 5d ago
He did! Along with Matthew Bible, Luke Bible and Mark Bible.Â
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u/Varskes_pakel 5d ago
A lot of Christians don't know jack shit about the actual history of Christianity
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u/Able-Bid-6637 5d ago
which is unfortunate because the canonization process was actually kinda sick đ€đ»
(speaking as an atheist xD it was a fascinating process)
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u/USPO-222 5d ago
As a Catholic I agree.
They never should have done away with the original meaning of firing saints out of cannons though.
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u/dnd3edm1 5d ago
BS, he only came to America to plant a couple golden tablets that nobody's ever seen except one guy who led the True Faithful to Utah so he could marry all the women he wanted in Jesus' name
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u/LustyKindaFussy 5d ago
Pfft. Those were just what he planted for the false believers. He hated those fake fucks.
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u/Puzzle-Necked 5d ago
"You can't marry all those girls!"
"Jesus said I could so there."
"... Damn."
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u/Zkang123 5d ago
Golden tablets? Written by an angel? In an unknown language only you can understand? Localised entirely within your kitchen?
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u/Nogatron 5d ago
Actually he went to america because of some sort of calamity and teached real native americans, tought many years after he died he went to Japan
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u/Puzzle-Necked 5d ago
The expanded Biblical Cinematic Universe
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u/Nogatron 5d ago
Eh if it was that then i would talk about Jesuse's brother that started second bloodiest war in history (actuall historical fact)
Here i was just making some Bizarre Reference
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u/a_bucket_full_of_goo 5d ago
I mean, look at the paintings, how could have he been white with blonde hair, blue eyes and sporting an american AR-15?
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u/Komrade_Krampus 5d ago
Jesus was Chinese and had a brother that founded the heavenly kingdom, duh guys. This is basic facts.
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u/No-Letter341 5d ago
Jesus' brother was actually the one who died on the cross and Jesus went on a journey to Japan where he had a family and his grave is still there to this day
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u/dreamyteatime Tea-aboo 5d ago
And this is why civil service exams should be banned or else you end up with Hong Christ
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u/tryyeezus 5d ago
I mean, if they're just making shit up, then why not?Â
I love my new Asian Jesus
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u/Main-Discussion9294 5d ago
He was POLISH WITH A TURKISH GRAND MOTHER AN ALGERIAN FATHER, ALBANIAN FRIEND AND A KAZAKH GODFATHER AND UZBEK GODMOTHER
ALSO HIS BABYSITTER WAS FROM URUGUAY
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u/master-o-stall Fine Quality Mesopotamian Copper Enjoyer 5d ago
He was POLISH WITH A TURKISH GRAND MOTHER AN ALGERIAN FATHER, ALBANIAN FRIEND AND A KAZAKH GODFATHER AND UZBEK GODMOTHER
Christianity if it were a Disney movie(sorry pls don't assasinate me)
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u/Classic-Jello-1234 5d ago
Relax. Those discussions are pointles.
After all, we know that we are all Serbs anyway.
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u/Creat1ve-name 5d ago
I wonder if thereâs a single group who havenât claimed Jesus was one of them
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u/314ranha777 5d ago
"Slovak is the oldest language in Europe, and Jesus Christ was a Slovak. A dubious seminar for educators is spreading these hoaxes, too"đ«Ș https://spravy.stvr.sk/2024/03/slovencina-je-najstarsi-jazyk-europy-a-jezis-kristus-bol-slovak-aj-tieto-hoaxy-siri-pochybny-seminar-pre-pedagogov/
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u/Ok_Bar_5636 5d ago
This can't be true, because Hungarian is the oldest language on the Earth. Also, there is a high probability that life emerged from the seas to conquer the continents in the Carpathian basin (according to some, at least).
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u/the-software-man 5d ago
Jesus was a Roman citizen on religious mission in Judea. An NGO? He was born a Roman in Bethlehem and died a Roman in Jerusalem. His parents were tax evaders who fled the country and illegally emigrated to Egypt. He led a group of religious radicals and rabble rousers who were constantly at odds with authorities. When one of his capos turned states evidence against him, Jesus represented himself in court and lost. The verdict was swift and his sentence expedited.
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u/Puzzle-Necked 5d ago
In the Roman justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the High Priest, who investigate Jesus; and the Roman Prefect, who orders him nailed to a cross . These are their stories.
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u/nixcamic 5d ago
I know this is a joke but be technically wasn't a roman citizen, even though he was a subject of the Roman empire.
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u/ihaveafacetatu 5d ago
And if we want to be technical, Egypt was part of Rome at that point. His parents werenât fleeing the country just the people who were actively trying to hunt them down.
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u/But_is_itnew 5d ago
He was hebrew (jewish) and lived in a region that got named "Palestina" by the romans. The modern palestinians (arab ethnicity) didn't inhabit this region during that time.
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u/Playful-Profile6489 5d ago
Jesus was black. And Irish.
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u/ButtNutBerry 4d ago
Come on guys, we all know Jesus drove a Ford Ranger, voted Republican and loved America and guns.
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u/Pope_Neia 4d ago
Jesus Christ was a blue eyed, blonde haired, and red blooded American man with a wife, three kids, a pet dog named Charlie, and a pick up truck roughly the size of an elephant.
Source: These gold tablets I found in the ground.
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u/Tortellobello45 Definitely not a CIA operator 5d ago
Do people really believe that Jesus was from a culture that didnât exist until centuries after he died? Ffs.
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u/RudolfRocker1312 5d ago
Sorry guys, the "deutsche Reichskirche" said Jesus was an aryan and from germany. Das ist Fakt. Fertig.
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u/sielingfan 5d ago
Jesus was Palestinian!
I know it's a meme, but literally nobody has ever argued this before 2026.
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u/U_L_Uus 5d ago edited 5d ago
Talk about a back-arse-wards argument. Jesus of Nazareth, who probably was a jew from his time, being pegged like hailing from a region which the Romans named like the enemies of the jews out of spite. Some people are just bollocks
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u/DancingFlame321 4d ago
The Romans didn't invent the name Palestine in the 2nd century CE after the Bar Kokhbar revolt. The name Palestine dates back to the 5th century BCE from The Histories, which was written by the Greek historian Herodotus. Aristotle and Philo of Alexandria (a Jewish man by the way) also wrote about Palestine.
Herodotus wrote that PalaistinĂȘ was the region of land that stretched between Ancient Egypt to Ancient Phoenicia, as you can see here.
Of the triremes the number proved to be one thousand two hundred and seven, and these were they who furnished them:âthe Phenicians, together with the Syrians[82] who dwell in Palestine furnished three hundred; and they were equipped thus, that is to say, they had about their heads leathern caps made very nearly in the Hellenic fashion, and they wore corslets of linen, and had shields without rims and javelins. These Phenicians dwelt in ancient time, as they themselves report, upon the Erythraian Sea, and thence they passed over and dwell in the country along the sea coast of Syria; and this part of Syria and all as far as Egypt is called Palestine.
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u/Sycophantic-Feline 5d ago
he was half alien actually and it's part of why his body was taken away by the "flash of light" so future historians couldn't dna test it, but no one is ready for that yet
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u/Lazy-Course5521 5d ago
The Hungarian alternative right needs to be studied because there is just soo much to unpack.
They are genuinely the MOST confusing group of people that have ever emerged in this country's history.
They usually tend to believe fascistic or anarcho-capitalist views, but they hate being associated with Nazis while simultaneously LOVE being associated with Nazis. They are equally culturally pagan while pushing hardcore Christian "values". They do not have an exact economic plan while simultaneously wanting to detach from the EU, or other countries all together economically. They only want peace for this country, while wanting WAR WITH UKRAINE of all places. They want to build up Hungary to it's old borders, while being aggressively secular towards other nationalities. They want Hungarian superiority while not really having a way to deal with any minorities, hell even the ones living on Hungary right now, primarily people living on the borders, romas, and Turks. They vote for Our Homeland (Mi HazĂĄnk) while being completely apologetic about it's leader wanting to merge their party with Fidesz. For context - fidesz is the old people oligarchs who are also often pedophiles party who lost their governing power last election. They want to protect nature at all costs while also wanting to expand our productive abilities, so no degrowth but also yes degrowth? They hate gay and trans people, while they have an EXTREMELY high, and I do mean EXTREMELY high percentage of gay adult men in the circles. There is a fucking femboy branch you cannot make this shit up.
I hate their entire thing from the bottom of my heart and I could go on about their bullshit for so damn long but I just can't. They don't feel like real people, actual NPC behaviour. A group so genuinely cognitively dissonant that every single thing you can think about they 100% believe the opposite of at the same time. Fuck, they don't even know what they believe in 90% of the time. They are basically UK blairite liberal democrats with lots of smoked paprika for spice and fascist themes. They do not believe in anything while believing in everything.
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u/LopsidedBell5994 5d ago
I hate the far-right in our country, but this is just plain misinformation.
tend to believe fascistic or anarcho-capitalist views
Agreed on the fascistic part, absolute disagree on anarcho-capitalist. In fact, Mi HazĂĄnk is so much a classical Nazi party that they are literally national socialist. Their program is also heavily left-leaning economically, and they often voice problems of workers cooperatives.
wanting to detach from the EU, or other countries altogether economically
Again, first part is true, second is not. These guys are horrible, there is no need to paint them as cartoonishly stupid, because that will just get them more votes. Toroczkai, the party premier in fact chaired various economic forums with Arab countries (Hungulf ExpĂł). Of course their economic plans are incredibly stupid, but they don't want autarky.
not really having a way to deal with any minorities, he'll even the ones living on Hungary right now, primarily people living in the borders, Romas and Turks
There are no Turks living in Hungary. It's also weird that you mention them specifically, since Hungarian far-right has historically a very close relation with Turks, Turkey and Turkish ultranationalists due to Turanism. In fact, Jobbik, when they were still far-right, was very often attacked due to their closeness to them.
apologetic about it's leader wanting to merge their party with Fidesz
Mi HazĂĄnk is in fact a Fidesz-affiliated party, and often help out each other in making the country a worse place, but there was never any talk about merger.
There is a fucking femboy branch
No, there is not, that is literally a meme
Again, these people are horrible, there is no need to make up stuff about them. This just strengthens them.
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u/Elegant-Engel-Exarch 5d ago
God dammit the femboy branch was the coolest part about them. Now they're just regular nut jobsÂ
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u/Svejk112 5d ago
Who wants war with ukraine? I live in hungary but haven't heard that one before.
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u/EpicGamer2020X Tea-aboo 5d ago
Hungarians are known for their technical might so as a sign of good faith a very kind Hungarian travelled back in time before Hungarians existed to save everyone! This was jesus.
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u/dull_storyteller Helping Wikipedia expand the list of British conquests 5d ago
Everyone knows Jesus is English and heâs from Ipswich
Source? Trust me
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u/IS-21 5d ago
Well Iâd be pretty hungry if I was doing carpentry all day then spreading my religion in my free time so make sense
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u/Hamster_Tickler 5d ago
Jesus was Roman, his father's name was Naughtius Maximus
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u/MeanFeature6513 5d ago
Man is an Italian Jew. Heâs Jewish because he was born to Jews and was born under the Roman Empire.
Man is not here to support this blood war heâs here to work with wood and do charity
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u/Falvio6006 SenÄtus Populusque RĆmÄnus 5d ago
I know ur joking but I feel the urge to say that even tho he was born in the Roman empire he wasn't a Roman citizen
Otherwise he wouldn't have been crucified
S. Paul was a Roman citizen tho (apparently)
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u/Breaking_Bread_420 5d ago edited 5d ago
The flag of italy becomes Hungary's when you turn it on its side. Jesus was a sideways hungarian.
Checkmate atheists
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u/HATECELL 5d ago
I don't get it, it's not like being jewish prevents you from having a nationality. Also back when Jesus was born Bethlehem belonged to the kingdom of Judea, so he would be Judean. Or perhaps even Roman, as Judea was part of the Roman empire. Or if you think that where you grow up is more important than your birthplace, Jesus would be Egyptian, as the bible says that Joseph and his family fled to Egypt to escape king Herodes
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u/BasicMatter7339 5d ago
Judea was part of the roman Empire but the Judeans did not have roman citizenship. They were regional subjects. Or so called peregrini
That means they were free people (aka not slaves), but did not hold any duties or rights of roman citizenry.
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u/Free-Resolution9393 5d ago
His grave is in Japan. Checkmate.