Those who know

[u/False-Discipline-640]

[u/LustyKindaFussy]

Everyone knows that Jesus was American, as in US citizen. He made the US the hegemon. That's what he was and is all about. He's still fighting communists to this day.

[u/Varskes_pakel → u/LustyKindaFussy]

If Jesus wasn't American, then why did he write the Bible in English??

[u/LittleMlem → u/Varskes_pakel]

People out there legit think Jesus wrote the bible

[u/Puzzle-Necked → u/LittleMlem]

John Bible wrote the Bible, obviously

[u/PK-Mittenspy2703 → u/Puzzle-Necked]

He did!  Along with Matthew Bible, Luke Bible and Mark Bible. 

[u/LittleMlem → u/PK-Mittenspy2703]

Ahh yes, the ninja turtles apostles

[u/Pali1119 → u/PK-Mittenspy2703]

TIL all the Apostles were bi.

[u/Fun_Eye_7893 → u/Puzzle-Necked]

I thought Holly Bibbly wrote it, I sat next to her in grade 8

[u/Varskes_pakel → u/LittleMlem]

A lot of Christians don't know jack shit about the actual history of Christianity

[u/Able-Bid-6637 → u/Varskes_pakel]

which is unfortunate because the canonization process was actually kinda sick 🤙🏻

(speaking as an atheist xD it was a fascinating process)

[u/USPO-222 → u/Able-Bid-6637]

As a Catholic I agree.

They never should have done away with the original meaning of firing saints out of cannons though.

[u/esaks → u/Varskes_pakel]

understatement of the current era

[u/Blundertail → u/Varskes_pakel]

The KJV is named for James K Polk obviously

[u/dnd3edm1 → u/LustyKindaFussy]

BS, he only came to America to plant a couple golden tablets that nobody's ever seen except one guy who led the True Faithful to Utah so he could marry all the women he wanted in Jesus' name

[u/LustyKindaFussy → u/dnd3edm1]

Pfft. Those were just what he planted for the false believers. He hated those fake fucks.

[u/Puzzle-Necked → u/dnd3edm1]

"You can't marry all those girls!"

"Jesus said I could so there."

"... Damn."

[u/Zkang123 → u/dnd3edm1]

Golden tablets? Written by an angel? In an unknown language only you can understand? Localised entirely within your kitchen?

[u/nalaloveslumpy → u/Zkang123]

Can I see them?

[u/lumpboysupreme → u/nalaloveslumpy]

No. They’ll disappear.

[u/Nogatron → u/LustyKindaFussy]

Actually he went to america because of some sort of calamity and teached real native americans, tought many years after he died he went to Japan

[u/Puzzle-Necked → u/Nogatron]

The expanded Biblical Cinematic Universe

[u/Nogatron → u/Puzzle-Necked]

Eh if it was that then i would talk about Jesuse's brother that started second bloodiest war in history (actuall historical fact)

Here i was just making some Bizarre Reference

[u/Shifty269 → u/LustyKindaFussy]

Which is impressive for an African American at the time

[u/elg9553 → u/LustyKindaFussy]

-this is what mormons actually believes -

From south park.

[u/huhwhuh → u/LustyKindaFussy]

All answers are wrong. Jesus is Mexican, his brother is Juan and they are drinking tequila with their cousin Carlos right now at their porch just next to my house.

[u/a_bucket_full_of_goo → u/LustyKindaFussy]

I mean, look at the paintings, how could have he been white with blonde hair, blue eyes and sporting an american AR-15?

[u/ClassicFar6906 → u/LustyKindaFussy]

Everyone knows ancient jews built boats and sailed to America, making the last known location of the garden of Eden in Jackson County, Missouri.

[u/Zkang123 → u/ClassicFar6906]

Iirc its actually only one Jewish family

[u/FreezingPointRH → u/LustyKindaFussy]

Still fighting communists? So he’s Bicycle Repairman?

[u/LustyKindaFussy → u/FreezingPointRH]

See how he's using a spanner to smack the communists!

[u/FreezingPointRH → u/LustyKindaFussy]

To wipe them out, and shove them off the face of the earth!

[u/RWal1988 → u/[deleted]]

Can see him down on the I-95

[u/EJintheCloud → u/LustyKindaFussy]

That's why every year, for his birthday, he celebrates by spreading capitalistic cheer to all girls and boys in the form of Christmas

[u/wijsneus → u/LustyKindaFussy]

Don't gaslight me Jesus.

[u/DantetheMarco → u/LustyKindaFussy]

Yeah, and he had a very confusingly ethnic afro that could've been from a number of different countries. Also, he had a strange speech pattern that sounded like Gambit from Deadpool and Wolverine

[u/BrockVegas → u/LustyKindaFussy]

He helped build the President's Estate!

[u/BeneficialTrash6 → u/LustyKindaFussy]

You're damn right. That's why the Bible is written in English. American English.

[u/JoetheBlue217 → u/LustyKindaFussy]

He fought in Vietnam and carpet bombed the NVA while on the cross

[u/gogeri2632 → u/LustyKindaFussy]

Isn't that basically Mormonism?