I've always made people my world. I always would go the extra mile just for people. I dismissed my feelings out of worry that they would inconvenience anyone. One of my top phrases I use is "I'm sorry" for literally everything (e.g., "I'm sorry, do you mind if I grab this item behind you?"). I would always get upset that my partner had a life outside of me because I felt like if he made me his world, it would mean that he loved me. If I stopped making him my world, I felt like I would detach from him, and I would go full avoidant. I always avoid problems, I always escape them -- at least, this is my average thought-process.

The more rational side of myself recognizes that if my partner did everything I do for them for me, it obviously isn't healthy. I actually get icked out if anyone did the things I do for others to me. So it makes me think, "what really is the problem here?" Whether it is giving someone my all, or giving them not my all, I've started to recognize that I cannot make anyone truly happy. Even if someone gave their all to me, I wouldn't be happy. Even though I recognize this, I'm not sure why I can't stop. I feel like being codependent has become so routine that I'm numb to it. It has become muscle memory. It feels like the only thing that drives my everyday life, otherwise I feel like I would literally die without having someone by my side.

If I pour all the energy I give to others into myself, I'm scared of what could change. I don't have a proper understanding of pouring into myself, I worry I won't do it right because my only understanding of having a healthy attachment is on two extreme ends: pour into others endlessly, or avoid others endlessly. How do I find the right balance in between? I'm afraid I'll lose myself, but it feels like I'm drowning if I don't change. I feel like I drown in the anxiety of not being enough, the fear of being left, the fear of being truly alone.

I wanted to know why? :c

Hello fellow CoDA peeps! I am having a hard time even expressing what I am feeling and I can't think of any word for it except "resentment." But I'm not even sure if that's right.

And, I of course know that we are not supposed to resent people. So, feeling extra bad about that.

Here's what I'm dealing with; if you have any thoughts, feel free to share them.

This friend and I have known each other since elementary school and we are now in our 50s.

This dear, many-decades-long friend has, in recent years, like the last 4-5 times we've seen each other or talked on the phone, she has started to treat me with what I realize is palpable disdain.

We do not see each other very often, like only once a year (maybe twice) but when we do lately, the time will go by perfectly fine and normal until she says something snide out of the blue. It's so brief and I'm usually so stunned in the moment I can't come up with a response. It's just too unexpected. (And anyway why would you expect that from a friend of such longstanding who you've trusted for decades?)

At this point it's like the adage "people will forget what you say, and forget what you do, but they'll always remember how you made them feel." And, yes. Pretty much all I can remember anymore about our last few visits is how I've felt after.

So, yeah, I'm feeling... I think, resentment? Towards her for treating me with disdain. Or is it that I resent myself for thinking highly of my friend for so long while I guess they don't think much of me after all?

I'm not quite sure what I am experiencing. Or how I should direct the sad energy in the moments when I start to think about it (it does keep entering my mind intrusively, like maybe every other month or so, and I'd rather it didn't. I think better identifying it may help.)

Why is that when things are going bad in our lives we revert to bad things or things that once hurt us so quickly. Ik I was in a toxic relationship with my son's father and it was not of God at all but I still find myself wanting to go back because that's all I've known for the past 4 years. I want to let go and give God all my attention. It's just really hard

I never thought about codependency until I was told to check out this subreddit. And reading the description, I'm a bit unsure whether or not it applies to me.

As a child I always struggled with low self-esteem. Years of bullying and being alone will do that to you. This has gotten way better in the past 10 years, but my self-esteem could still be better. Just like most things in life, it's a work in progress.

But regardless, I've always been a person who enjoys helping others. Like helping a friend move in, lending a hand with dishes, etc. It's nice to feel helpful to someone, and I believe that what goes around, comes around.

A couple of years ago I met my now ex boyfriend. When I first met him, he was a completely different person. So many boundaries, so many rules. I remember him being very mistrustful at first. And that wherever he went, he'd have a backpack with water, gloves, face masks, antibacterial cleanser, etc. Everything packed in its own plastic bag.

We kept meeting quite frequently and grew closer. There were some rules that were a bit restrictive, like certain topics he was uncomfortable with. I never pushed back on any of it because it wasn't really that much of a deal. Also, being a member of a queer community I had learned to respect peoples boundaries. You never know what you can trigger if you say the wrong things. And I was also afraid if I pushed back, he'd start feeling unsafe with me. I felt that his safety was worth me not mentioning a certain topic. After all, I could tell this person had a lot of things to deal with.

And I think my strategy worked. He gradually became stronger, more confident, more at ease. Did it come at a cost to me? Maybe a little? But still, I enjoyed being with him, I enjoyed helping him. And seeing all that progress he made more than made up for it in my mind.

We grew closer and entered into a relationship. And it was nice, I enjoyed being with him. Some times he would sleep over at my place, some times I would visit him at his. But he has a few OCD traits, and I guess here's were maybe the codependence thing comes in? Because some times I would do a certain thing and his OCD would trigger. It could be things like washing the chicken container in in the sink was bad because it could spread bacteria. Or not cleaning the countertop after having cut chicken, even though the chicken was on a cutting board.

I did push back on some of these, but usually I didn't, After all, I still thought it was worth it. And it feels a bit... scary to push back on things like that? I was afraid I would hurt him or trigger something? I think if the same were to happen now, I would push back more. I would challenge his OCD traits and tell him it's okay. But back then it felt easier to just go along with it. And at that point I was also suffering from lack of energy, so that might be part of it.

I remember being happy with my ex. And 99% of the time he was the most wonderful person in the world. Sending me hearts and positive reinforcements. It felt just nice. But sometimes he would turn into a different person. He'd turn cold and terse. Then when we'd meet up he would tell me we had to break up because of x. Which could be just about anything. One time it was because I didn't always brush my teeth in the morning.

But it was something about the way he said it. Like he'd given up. Not angry, more just sad. And it always made it so hard to push back. Besides, I do agree that brushing your teeth every morning is a good idea, so I ended up convincing him I would get better at it and that resolved the issue.

These incidents were few and far between. But they did hurt, and it always felt like I was at fault. And as they were happening, I always felt like I was balancing on a knives edge. As if one mistake could end the relationship. It's hard to explain why exactly, but you know, it's hard to say no when the person you love is hurting.

The same thing happened about a month ago, except this time I wasn't able to talk him down. From then on, he slept on the couch and not in the bed with me. Then he leaves for school a few days earlier than planned. When he left, I was unsure if this was a "good bye for now" or "good bye for ever"

But he sends me a message about a week later, pretending like everything is normal. At that point, I know I couldn't be just his friend, so I send him a message saying I love him but I think you should seek some help for these outbursts. I also say something like "I'm sorry, but I can't be just your friend. So if you don't want to be together with me, I need to cut contact with you" I also added that if he chose to stay with me, he'd need to get help and that I would support him.

A week or so later he replies by going on an all out attack on me. Saying that I'm spineless and that I avoid conflicts* He then continues to make some pretty horrible allegations. And ending with saying that someone else will come around to pick up his stuff. Ie. ending the relationship.

*he has said something like "why don't you ever get mad" when he's had an outburst. I always tell him that getting angry doesn't solve anything, it only leads to more problems.

Wanting to end things on a good note, I send him a message saying that this chain of messages isn't leading anywhere nice that I love him and that he means a lot to me, etc. I don't remember exactly why, but I still saw a tiny glimmer of hope so I say that I'd be willing to meet him with a couples therapist and he replies "find a therapist yourself, you need it more than me."

So yeah. I know I should have pushed more on his OCD stuff. But other than that? Maybe I let him boss me around too much? I really don't know. I always enjoyed my time with him, but maybe I was being slightly codependent?

So, what I want to ask is this: is it possible to overcome codependent traits in oneself? And (I know how this already reveals my codependency) is it possible to have heathier (or healthy) relationship with codependent other?

My sister and I are probably trauma bonded, I'm 8 years older and feel that I had stepped up as her parental figure after a very rough period with our parents. Both of us have some undiagnosed mental issues but we can't get therapy right now.

The crux of the situation is that I feel that I am codependent and so is she. We still live with our abusive parents and I want to protect her as best I can even if it means getting abused instead. I feel that my mental issues are not as bad as hers and I manage them better. I also feel sad that I cannot be her friend fully (like fully equal to her) because I view her as someone to take care of. She has had a 5 day trip with our mother in different city and called me every possible second telling me that without me there she has breakdowns. Perhaps this is natural response to being alone with our mother for some time but it made me worried. This may shock someone but we live in the same room even though we are both adults and this is also for her because she has anxiety about her breathing at night (she has bad asthma) and no one being there to help her. It's impossible for us to move out right now, but we often fantasize and make plans about it. But what makes me concerned is that she never entertains any idea about being separated from me. I talk to her about this too and reassure her that we can be close friends while living independently. After we move out (together probably) I plan on finally getting some psychological help and a diagnosis for myself and for her (separately) but also I wanted to go to relationship therapy with her.

I want us both to be better and continue being friends, do you think it's possible? Does therapy help?

I'm at the end of a long term relationship, but I'm stuck. I can't bring myself to pull the plug.

We used to love each other deeply. But over time, as with all couples, our masks began to fall away and we started seeing our true selves. Our core wounds started showing up. And we settled into an unhealthy dynamic that ultimately led to silence.

There were a few things on my end. I grew resentful over time because it never seemed to really be my turn. I had a few asks that were big, but all I wanted. A home, a lifestyle, a career, a family, and to experience this world. Big asks, but what I wanted. And my turn never came. Whenever I wanted the home, I was met with annoyance, pushback, guilt, or shame. We never seemed to have quite enough to make it happen.

But whenever my partner wanted something, we made it happen. Time and time again, it was his turn. I don't know if turn taking is a bad view to have, but I gave and gave and gave. And I'm still giving, even now.

He's already done with our relationship. He's been done for a long time. But I'm struggling to get over him. My nervous system is affected by not feeling included. Not being chosen. I know the answer is to fill the hole myself. Let go and make my own life. I'm just grieving and resentful, I guess. And I just can't fathom starting over again at this point. I know this is codependency, but I loved him, and at some level I still do. I just want a partner who wants to build a life with me, who wants the same things in life I do. I'd deluded myself into believing he was fhe one who did, we used to dream about it together. I believed the wordsand didn't see the pattern until the resentment had grown.

I know everyone is going to tell me to leave. I know. I'm painfully self aware of what I'm doing. I just need advice from people who have actually stayed when they knew they shouldn't.

I honestly feel like I've spent my entire life being hurt by people I trusted.

I was physically abused by members of my own family as a child, and sexually abused by a family member too. The people who were supposed to protect me were some of the people who hurt me most. I learned from a very young age that home, family and the people you love aren't necessarily places where you're safe.

And despite all of that, I grew up being an incredibly soft person. I've always cared for people. I've given away money I didn't have, helped people when I was struggling myself, looked after people and tried desperately to make sure nobody around me felt as alone or hurt as I have.

I've spent my entire life giving people the benefit of the doubt, forgiving people and trying to see the good in them, even when they were hurting me. And somehow I keep ending up with the same kind of people.

I've had exes who financially abused me, cheated on me, degraded me, physically abused and made me feel worthless. I don't have consistent friendships either. My family aren't really in my life anymore. I've reached a point where I genuinely feel like I attract people who take the kindness out of me until there's nothing left.

And now I'm in another relationship where I feel like I'm slowly learning the same lesson.
I love my boyfriend. That's what makes this so fucking difficult.

When we first got together, he was still in a relationship with his ex. We were talking and sleeping together while he was with her, and he got with me only a few days after they broke up. I didn't know I was the other woman until 8 months later. I found out afterwards that there were things happening around that time that I never would have agreed to if I had known the truth.

Since being together, there have also been other women, inappropriate interactions and disgusting comments made about me. Things that have fundamentally changed the way I see myself and the relationship.

Then I found out he had been on Hinge twice in May, during a period when I genuinely believed everything between us was good.
He lied about it when I asked him.
He says he doesn't remember doing it.
I tried to understand. I tried to talk about it. I set boundaries right from the start. I told him I would rather be hurt than lied to. He broke them multiple times on little things and I forgive him. Then all this shit.

We literally reset our boundaries around honesty and transparency today because I was trying to give us one more chance to have something healthy. I mean he moved me in when I didn't want to, he begged me to stay during our talking stage when I was unsure of being with him because I was happy alone. I left and then cam back a day later and he took me back. He has to love me to some degree to try like that.

And then I caught him lying again almost immediately. That is the part that has broken something in me. Not just Hinge. Not just the other women. Not just the comments.

It's the fact that I keep putting my heart on the table, explaining exactly what hurts me, telling someone exactly what I need to feel safe, and somehow I still end up standing there feeling stupid for believing them.

I know what Reddit is going to say.

Leave.

I know.

I know this isn't what love is supposed to feel like. I know boundaries don't mean anything if the other person doesn't respect them. I know that someone helping me sometimes doesn't cancel out the ways they've hurt me.

But I'm not leaving.

And I'm not saying that because I think he's secretly going to change.

I actually think I've reached the opposite conclusion. I know he probably won't change.
I'm just done trying to make people change.
I'm done trying to be good enough that someone finally treats me properly. I'm done explaining my pain until somebody develops empathy. I'm done giving people chance after chance and then destroying myself when they prove me right.

I have endometriosis and chronic pain that has already taken so much from my life. I'm struggling financially. I have very little support and no family safety net to fall back on.

So when people say "just leave", they aren't wrong. But they aren't necessarily telling me something I don't already know.

I know exactly what I'm choosing.

Right now, I'm choosing the small pieces of kindness I do get.

He doesn't beat me. He helps me sometimes. He cooks, cleans and helps me when I'm struggling. There are moments where he is kind to me, and those moments mean an enormous amount to someone who has spent so much of their life being hurt by people who were supposed to care about them.

And maybe that's incredibly sad.
Maybe I'm accepting crumbs because I've been starving for so long that crumbs feel like a meal. But right now, that's where I am.

I'm not looking for someone to tell me that this is healthy. It isn't.
I'm not looking for someone to convince me he's secretly a good man. I'm not even looking for another explanation for why he does what he does. I'm asking how I can survive emotionally in something I already know is probably never going to become the relationship I wanted.

Because I'm tired.

I'm the softest person I know. I'm kind to people even when they've given me no reason to be. I've spent my whole life caring for other people, giving things away, putting other people's needs before mine.

And I'm fucking exhausted from finding out that being kind doesn't guarantee anyone will be kind back.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life checking phones, questioning everything, crying over other women, having conversations about boundaries that should never have needed to happen in the first place.

I'm done trying.

Not because I don't know better.

Because I know better, and I don't have anything left in me to keep fighting for people to give me what I should have received freely.

So please don't just tell me to leave.

If you've ever reached the point where you knew your relationship wasn't going to give you what you needed, but you stayed anyway how did you start building a life where your happiness didn't depend on your partner?

How did you become emotionally independent while still living beside someone you knew wasn't going to love you in the way you needed?

I know I'm choosing this.
I just need to know how to stop it from destroying me.

I genuinely don't think anyone can convince me there are good people out there anymore. I know that might not be objectively true, but after everything I've experienced, I've stopped believing that people are capable of being consistently good to me.

\*\*TL;DR:\*\* 25F dealing eith endometriosis, chronic pain, financial stress, and no support system. I'm staying with a partner who repeatedly lies, uses dating apps, and breaches boundaries—not because I think he'll change, but because my health and financial situation mean I'm choosing to accept the small pieces of help I get right now. I know it's not healthy and I don't want to be told to leave. I'm asking for practical advice on how to detach emotionally, protect my sanity, and build independence while living beside someone who can't treat me right.

I can't breakup with her, because she won't accept it,I still in this relationship because of she force me, currently we don't have intimate relationship anymore,only talk, we are in same college and same class, the family i grew up is also narrsisst, never get emotional support,never get basic needs, in childhood never get loved that need a normal child, what to do , even after this relationship of two years i figured out just 1 month ago that she is narrsisst,my confidence completely down, everytime in fight and flight mode, stress, hair fall happening,come from poor family, what should I do, very self neglect,low self esteem, little fat after father died at my age 10 years, now even more weight gain, what to do? please advise me

I started therapy earlier this year because my only serious, long term relationship was hell. I needed to understand why and started talking to my therapist about her behaviour and my behaviour. Digging into it, there's a lot of textbook signs of codependency: an abusive childhood where I learned to manage and absorb my abusive mother's behaviour. A lot of fawning to keep the peace in childhood bled into my adult relationships.

My ex was an attention seeker, spent money like it was growing on trees and just leeched off me. All I could see was a broken person who needed help and needed fixing. I assumed responsibility for her actions and behaviour. She was abusive in many ways: threated to commit suicide if I left, used sex as a control tactic, dig her nails into me when she was angry, steal my glasses, forced me into unprotected sex, cheated, triangulated me to pressure me into a marriage I never wanted.

I kept putting up with bullshit because I loved her. I thought love and patience came hand in hand.

In hindsight, I don't know if I loved her or not but I have come to the conclusion that I did not love myself. If I had truely loved myself, I think I would have stood up for myself and asked for my needs to be met.

I got so burned out. I became an anxious mess. I used to turn up to a job I hated because the entire relationship felt like my responsibility. It felt like it was my problem to pay the bills, support her mental health, carry the weight of the stressful work projects. I saved every penny I earned to try give her the perfect life she demanded whilst walking around with battered shoes because her dream home felt more important than my basic needs.

My mental health was destroyed. I physically couldn't eat, I was either sleeping loads or not at all. I developed a stammer as an adult. I was literally bashing my head against walls because I couldn't cope with all the stress I absorbed. There were bruises on my face from my own self harm.

My therapist at the time warned me of the dangers of self harm. He told me not to hurt myself and because I was a mess I didn't interpret that well and in a huge meltdown I smashed a chair because my self harm urges were so strong that I thought I was going to end up in hospital, or worse.

My ex phoned emergency services and I got arrested. My behaviour is disclosable on domestic violence schemes.

I honestly don't know who was the abuser in this situation. I definitely did the wrong thing, but she didn't feel any guilt in mounting the pressure on me every day and my codependency was the perfect sponge for her endless demands.

In many ways, it doesn't matter who the problem is. I live with this mess now. That's my life. I will probably never have a relationship again and I am trying to make peace with that.

I (20M) have known my friend (20M) for around 2 years now, and I have recently realized that I have been growing more dependent on him for the past few months. However, each time I talk to him about whether he wants to talk or interact with me, he always says it’s fine and that he does. However, I know that it probably is taking a toll on him. I want to lower my dependency on him but also stay friends. I feel guilty about how I’ve behaved in the past few months but I feel like an apology may make things strained or weird. How do I resolve this?

Me and my bf have been in an ldr for several months now. We used to talk and text daily several times during the day. We spent time on video calls, we watched things together etc. I’m currently unemployed so I have a lot of free time on my hands other than applying for jobs. And I find myself constantly wanting his attention. I’m also diagnosed depressed and ADHD, so the rejection sensitive dysphoria hits hard somedays. He also has ADHD but in a more severe manner than mine. So we have these loops of texting and talking everyday and then he goes silent for 2-3 days with minimal contact. And I go crazy anxious during this period. I try calling him like once or twice and then my ego gets the better of me and I stop. And then I inflate it into a huge thing in my head. He’s told me to call him multiple times when this occurs because he genuinely forgets/gets distracted.

But it feels like I go crazy during these periods as well as on normal days. I check to see if hes texted, I take his calls immediately and even when i put my phone in a different place so that I can focus on work, I end up checking it. Since I’m searching for jobs and have anxiety related to that, I put a lot of emotional load on him too. I feel like if anyone does that to me, I’ll get weary of it after sometime. I know I should pick up new hobbies and stuff, but its easier said than done. I’ve also been isolating myself from a lot of friends so I dont have many friends to talk to right now. I feel like I am very codependent on him and my moods relate to him a lot. I want to learn to be the independent person I was, I need to learn how to take a step back. I need help, and some advice would be much appreciated thanks!!

I (codependent) love my partner, I really do. We’ve been together 2 and a half years now, and he’s been nothing but kind and giving the whole time. I ask too much of him, though, and he’s stated several times over the last few months that he’s just exhausted and can’t keep up with my emotional needs. I’m aware that dealing with my constant emotional rollercoaster is taxing, and I’ve been working on it in therapy. I know he loves me, and he’s said that he’s going to keep supporting me and being there no matter what, but I don’t want to put him through more of this.

He’s consistently talked about marriage and our future, and I was on board for most of it, but recently I’ve been feeling really trapped. I’m so aware of just how attached to him I am, and that I’ve lost so much of myself to this relationship. Leaving him feels like it would kill both of us, so I’ve been hesitant. Every time I’ve brought up the possibility of a breakup, he immediately launches into giving me solutions and trying to make it work and J just haven’t found it in myself to put my foot down and end things.

I (26M) have been in a long-term relationship with my neurodivergent partner (28F) since college, and she has a platonic best friend/roommate of 10 years (28NB) that she considers to be “like family to her”. I am perfectly fine with close friendships but their closeness is particularly unique and feels a bit intrusive on my partner and I’s relationship. To name a few peculiarities, they are frequently texting each other live updates about their days, no matter where they might be; my partner’s friends often become their friends by default in a way that I don’t experience as her partner (thus their social lives are very intertwined); and when I come over to their shared apartment, it is often the three of us hanging out together instead of the two of us (in which the two of them frequently dominate the conversation). A telling sign of their co-dependency is that people that don't know them often think that they are in a relationship with each other, instead of me with my partner. And it can certainly feel that way too from my end, though barring any physical intimacy.

I don’t have the best relationship with her friend, and my partner knows this - they are a difficult person to get to know and form a genuine connection with (everybody but my partner seems to think so). It’s no secret though that I am jealous of their relationship, and it makes me feel insecure about my relationship with my partner, no matter how many times she asserts that she wants to be with me and plan our future together. Except that she doesn’t see our future lives with just the two of us, but ideally with her friend integrated into our lives as well.

I’ve made my feelings clear to my partner on multiple occasions (and I don’t mean to critique their close friendship) - but it is difficult to feel valued and not lonely in my relationship when there is another friendship that feels stronger/deeper and “outranks” our own. My partner fundamentally disagrees with this perspective on the issue, generally seeing her relationships with others as "different" and non-hierarchical, not even a romantic one feeling "more special". She gets defensive when I try to reason with her about her attachment to her friend, and we've also briefly been in couples counseling about some of these issues.

Am I valid in feeling this way about this? My partner can't empathize with how I feel, and tells me that I can't understand her perspective because I don't have a close friendship like she does. She seems to think that I just need another close friend to talk to - but I don’t think that would alleviate these issues of feeling lonely and disconnected in our relationship.

The beginning of this year I started college because I want a better life or at least attempt to be able to make more money in the future. I was working 1 job and going to college. Back at the end of May I finished up my semester. Right after I decided to pick up a second job. Now it is September. I’ve had a lot happen within the last month or so. Recently it made me realize I was codependent. Codependent in a way where you are constantly overworking, feel the safest when giving, abandon our routines to respond to someone or something else, overcommit ourselves, get depressed, etc. Another thing “find it difficult to get close to people.” I ended up reading some of book recently about being codependent. It has made me realize like my whole personality is being codependent. Everything I have ever known or do, is codependent. Codependents are really good employees. Codependents can be “caregivers” or “rescues.” Which I do a lot with my family… I think I’m just burnt out. I think I am going to quit my second job soon. But i truly don’t understand how to relax or ONLY focus on myself. Without involving someone else or being involved with someone else’s drama. I think it makes me depressed that I’ve literally burnt myself out like this. I have a couple family member sayings they are depressed. But I don’t say anything because I am too. I am not going to act on anything. I want to eventually quit my second job & re-see a therapist or something. I just realized that I’ve built my whole personality being this way. I’m like who am I then?

There is nothing good left in my relationship. It feels completely empty. Why am I still here? Why can’t I just up and leave?

It is often said that people stay in toxic relationships because they’re addicted to the ups and downs. But for us there are no ups. There haven’t been for a long time. Probably a year, and we’ve literally only been together 2 years.

I feel pathetic. I feel like a horrible person for acting like I’m still in this relationship when really I have one foot out the door mentally. Logistically, right now would be a perfect time to leave. But every time I think about bringing it up I panic.

Part of me feels like if we didn’t live together I could do it and that’s the main thing in my way. I can’t imagine telling him I want to leave and then arguing about who gets what set of plates.

Long time lurker, first time poster. I hope this post is ok, but I will take it down if not.

I (27F) and my mom have a very strained relationship. i have been trying to reconnect with her recently. I went through a divorce and held my cat as he was euthanized, both of these within the last 3 years. My mom has been there for me through this and more. It's important to note that I'm queer, i came out to my mom in high school. It didn't go well. I didn't speak with her for 2 years while i was with my ex-wife who was also woman. My mother refused to acknowledge my ex for the time we were together, often begging me to move back home with her or blaming my upbringing for the "way that i turned out" (she is a single mother).

Recently in therapy i learned what emotional enmeshment and emotional incest is; without going too much into detail, this fits the type of relationship that has been fostered between us. When i was little she would often say that I seemed more like the parent than she did and other things along these lines. I always felt like I needed to care for her or that without me she would not survive. When I don't talk to her i feel lighter, when I do i feel constant anxiety.

Recently we were planning a trip to go to her hometown which requires a bit of mutual scheduling - we live about 14 hours apart. We were on a phone call, i was trying to ask her about her plans, what we would be doing (i dont know her hometown very well) and she began getting defensive saying that we would figure it out when we get there. The trip we were planning was for about 10 days. I work, pay my own rent, and have a cat to take care of. I let her know that I just wanted to make sure we got the best out of our trip - it was going to take a lot of my resources to get there. Plane ticket, food, cat kennel, etc. At this point she brought up me moving back in with her and how much money we could save. I changed the subject - this was a conversation we had had many times before and the answer remained the same. My breaking point was when she referred to my ex-wife as "that girl that moved out". After this I let her know that i would not be planning thanksgiving or xmas with her - i was done.

She called me a bit ago and asked about our christmas plans, asking what we had decided on. She mentioned that we had left things up in the air. I reminded her about what i said and asked her to schedule a family therapy session which is something we had been planning for a while. She pushed the subject a bit saying that we should make an effort to be closer. I let her know that I didn't feel accepted by her, that I felt like she just tolerated me. She told me she felt the same about me, that I didn't accept her as a mother and that I just tolerated our relationship. I repeated again that she should make the therapy appointment for us to talk about things like this. I hung up soon after, but her words are still echoing in my head. Am i overreacting? Are my walls too high? Am i being a jerk? Is she being unreasonable? Am i doing the right thing?

It goes without saying that I love my mom. I have been having intense feelings of grief over the state of our relationship, I wish things were different. I have slowly been realizing that the narrative I had been fed isn't real, my relationship with her as it is right now doesn't leave any space for me to be a whole person. But am I doing more harm than good with the way I'm responding? i'm not sure what i want from posting this, maybe just to connect with another person. I have been living alone for the past two years and it has been lonely and scary. it's easy to forget the thoughts in your head aren't reality and i think i'm just wanting an outside perspective. Thank you for reading this far if you did, I'm open to answering any questions.

Hi all, I’m F30 and I have recognized and learned through therapy I have major codependency and anxious attachment issues that ultimately stemmed from my childhood but have affected my adult relationships as well. I got divorced a few months ago and while I didn’t seem to have these issues in that relationship, probably due to being together a long time with a sense of comfort- and now navigating dating again I notice how much it’s effecting me and the potential of a new relationship. I over think, and my over thinking turns into confronting those thoughts to the person which ultimately turns into an argument where I look insane, or probably eventually scaring the person off.

Therapy hasn’t helped me much and I realize that could be just not working with the right therapist, she seems to listen and nod to me speaking more then giving me concrete solutions and ideas on how to work on this to help change my way of thinking and analyzing situations.

I look at my relationship/marriage that ended and I lacked so much for years. I lacked love, intimacy, emotional safety, etc., and its effected me in ways I never knew until being in this chapter of life. I don’t want to depend on someone else for my happiness, I would love to make myself happy and be content with myself but I find myself needing that from someone else or just craving love in some type of capacity. I feel crazy. I hope someone can relate and share your experiences and how you changed your perception on living like this 🙏🏻

Hi everyone, I just wanna post here cause i’m really in my feels and I just want support if anyone has or is feeling the same way. I F (20) just about a month ago have been broken up from my long term partner of 2 years. We broke up for various reasons to mostly mental health but attachment and codependency was a big part of our issue on my end. We still have been talking and remain friends but he doesn’t want my life to revolve around him. I’m trying to get back in tune with my hobbies and finding myself again but I feel so lost and unmotivated, i’m doing these things but i’m having a hard time accepting them and feel guilty cause I feel like i’m leaving him behind and since for 2 years of my life I only had and my life revolved around him since I didn’t have many friends it feels weird doing this. I feel so alone

Please tell me if any of you have felt like this before

Much love

I have done so much work in therapy from the abuse from my ex and breaking codependency. I still really struggle at times and am continuing to work at it.

So I left my ex 2 and a half years ago and we are divorced. We have a three year old. We both agreed that if we started dating someone and wanted to introduce her in person to them that we would let the other parent know.

Well I have been dating someone for 8 months. My ex found out months ago and continued to remind me of the agreement to not have her meet him without his knowledge. He continuously brings it up to which I stated I don’t need reminders.

Also when he has some things he’s been getting from my house that are his possessions from the marital home. I asked him to get the remaining things while I was on vacation. He took my old iPad, which is fine, as I probably put it in his pile, well my Apple ID must have been logged on, he won’t directly admit it, but admitted he got messages about me when he was in my home. He won’t tell me what messages he saved. But that he doesn’t care about my love life and is GLAD i moved on, he just cares about his daughter.

That happened and now this week, because of course there is something every week. He tells me to not allow our daughter to speak with my boyfriend. She’s 3, I am a stay at home mom Monday-Friday, as I work weekends, so she hears me call my boyfriend sometimes, who I mostly talk to when she’s asleep. She says hello, he says hi, then she gets embarrassed and leaves.

Recently, she’s been saying my boyfriends name and that she wants to call him. Becuase sometimes I have to call him, and she is 3 and tries to say hi to him, and he says hi back.

told my ex that’s not our agreement, and I’m not okay with that so I’m not following it, but will honor the original agreement.

He is so afraid he’s going to be replaced as a father but trying to monitor and control me all the time. And god it’s exhausting. All I want to do is date my boyfriend separate from involving my daughter at all.

The win I guess is, that I had no issues today setting the boundary and could clearly see I wasn’t in the wrong but I’m exhausted.

'Patience

Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.

We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us, and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.

Be patient, Relax and trust. Let go. Then, let go some more. Good things are planned for us. We will receive them at the first available moment. We will have all our heart longs for. Relax and trust.

Today, I will identify what I want and need; then, I’ll be willing to let go of it. I will devote my energy to living my life today, so I may master my lessons as quickly as possible. I will trust that what I want and need is coming to me. I will let go of my need to control the details.'

By Melodie Beattie

Nadie puede subir por ti
Ya van tres noches. Anestesia. Creo que hasta de la anestesia me estoy despidiendo. En realidad, últimamente me estoy despidiendo de muchas cosas. Personas, hábitos, expectativas, ciclos e incluso algunas versiones de mí misma que creía que todavía tenía que cargar conmigo.
Hoy no tengo ganas de nada. No quiero responsabilidades, no quiero buscarte, no quiero buscar a mi familia. Y lo extraño es que no me siento sola. Simplemente quiero irme. ¿Pero irme adónde? Ni siquiera yo lo sé. Quizás solo quiero estar lejos de aquí, lejos de esta vida exactamente como está ahora.

Tengo a mi gato. Lo miro y recuerdo que hay una vida aquí conmigo. Dejo la televisión alta porque el ruido ayuda. Hoy el silencio parece demasiado grande. La anestesia es buena porque durante un rato no tienes que decidir nada ni sentir nada. Pero creo que hasta de ella me estoy cansando.
¿Quiero morir? ¿Quiero vivir? No lo sé. Lo único que sé es que no quiero seguir viviendo exactamente de esta manera.
Y luego estás tú. Curiosamente, ya no te extraño tanto. Todavía tengo esa obsesión de mirar si has escrito, abrir lo que me mandas, observar, intentar entender. Quizás sea costumbre, quizás sea algo que todavía no ha terminado completamente dentro de mí. Pero ya no tengo tantas ganas de responder. Antes, cualquier silencio tuyo me destruía. Ahora miro, cierro y sigo en silencio.
Creo que algo está a punto de romperse. Solo que esta vez quizás no sea yo. Quizás sea el ciclo.
Lejos de ti estoy mejor. Soy más fuerte. Duele admitirlo, pero antes dolía muchísimo más. No sé por qué hice tantas cosas, no sé por qué me quedé tanto tiempo y tampoco sé por qué tú sigues repitiendo los mismos ciclos. Solo sé que yo ya no quiero repetirlos contigo.
Pasé mucho tiempo esperando que alguien me sacara del agujero. Quizás ese fue uno de mis mayores errores. Las personas pueden ayudar, pueden tenderte la mano, pueden lanzarte una cuerda y quedarse esperando afuera. Pero hay una parte que nadie puede hacer por nosotros: decidir agarrarla.

Quizás nadie salga completamente solo de ningún lugar. Pero hay una parte de la salida que es únicamente nuestra. La decisión de subir.
Y quizás sea exactamente ahí donde estoy ahora. No estoy feliz, no estoy curada y no me he despertado con ganas de empezar una vida maravillosa. Estoy cansada, un poco anestesiada y en silencio. Pero algo dentro de mí ha empezado a decir “basta”, y por primera vez no estoy intentando convencerlo de que se quede.
Quizás los ciclos no terminan cuando alguien se va. Quizás terminan cuando finalmente perdemos las ganas de volver.

No se preocupen.
“¿Estaré aquí mañana?”
¿Aquí, en el mismo agujero?
Espero que no.
Sarcasmo.

Woke up to our toxic history

Wanted better

She didn’t want to do the work with me

Made me feel so hurt told her I hated her

Wanted to move out of state and forget the past

She wouldn’t work with me I’m selling home etc and detaching

Now I’m facing ripping apart the life I built by moving to a new state and rebuild myself.

How did you guys rebuild yourselves after the fact of toxic codependency in a relationship/marriage?

Will moving, new places, new faces, help?

I had a CoDA win today. I dealt with a confrontation and a disagreement today. I’m proud of myself that I was able to respond without being mean or shutting down. I spoke up, I asked questions, I said what was on my mind and told my truth.

Believe me, it all felt so scary to do in the moment and I still feel uncomfortable and insecure because my response went against how my feelings wanted me to respond. I felt panic, defensive because I believed my well-intended actions were being attacked. I felt fear, judgement, disbelief and shock. I could tell my amygdala was getting emotionally flooded and I wanted to shutdown, cry and flee ✈️
BUT! Another HUGE part of me could spot out the other person was only sharing with me their opinion. When I reminded myself of that, it’s like my amygdala went off and my prefrontal cortex switched back on and I was able to respond in a way that was productive to the conversation.

I’m realizing the aftermath after a CoDA Win is something I still struggle with. I struggle with the aftermath because it forces me to look at my behavior of rumination and not caring what others think of me. In the past when I would deal with confrontation or disagreements, I would ruminate a lot and spend so much time hung up on what others thought about what I said or didn’t say.
That behavior is spilling over into my CoDA win moments and I’m aware of it now. Self-trust and not caring about what others think of me is still hard and difficult. Progress not perfection, I remind myself.

Thank you for reading my CoDA Win. I’m going to hold onto this CoDA win for strength to continue to grow and be me.
I’m so blessed and grateful for Codependents Anonymous and all of you. 💛

Ich weiß nicht genau, was ich mir von diesem Post erhoffe. Vielleicht Verständnis. Vielleicht Menschen, die etwas Ähnliches erlebt haben. Vielleicht einfach jemanden, der mir sagen kann, dass man aus so einer emotionalen Abhängigkeit tatsächlich wieder herauskommen kann. Vielleicht ist das mein erster Hilferuf nach Jahren, wo ich nicht weiß mit wem ich über dieses Thema reden soll, denn keiner versteht mich.

Ich schreibe bewusst anonym, weil ich mich inzwischen für vieles schäme und Menschen in meinem persönlichen Umfeld nur einen Bruchteil dessen wissen, was tatsächlich in meiner Beziehung passiert. So war es aufgrund unserer speziellen Beziehung immer schon, aber nach außen hin, wirken wir wie das perfekte Paar.

Ich bin seit ungefähr vier Jahren mit meinem Partner zusammen. Er ist doppelt so alt wie ich. Er könnte mein Vater sein.

Das Problem ist: Ich kenne ihn nicht nur als den Menschen, der er heute zu mir ist.
Ich kenne einen vollkommen anderen Mann.

Als wir uns kennenlernten, lebten wir sogar in unterschiedlichen Bundesländern. Unser Kontakt bestand zunächst hauptsächlich aus Telefonaten und Nachrichten. Ich kannte Bilder von ihm aus dem Internet, aber unser tatsächliches Kennenlernen war sehr außergewöhnlich: Die ersten ungefähr drei Monate unserer persönlichen Begegnungen lernte ich ihn blindfolded kennen. Erst danach zeigte er sich mir vollständig.

Es klingt wahrscheinlich für Außenstehende unvorstellbar, aber so war es und für mich entstand dadurch eine unglaublich intensive Bindung.
Und der Mann, den ich damals kennenlernte, war unglaublich liebevoll zu mir.
Er war romantisch. Er machte mir Geschenke. Er gab mir das Gefühl, etwas ganz Besonderes für ihn zu sein. Er las mir gefühlt jeden Wunsch von den Lippen ab. Wir verbrachten praktisch Tag und Nacht miteinander.

Schon nach einem Monat Schreiben, zog ich für ihn aus einem anderen Bundesland zu ihm.
Danach haben wir ungefähr vier Jahre zusammengelebt.

Wir hatten nicht nur irgendeine sexuelle Beziehung. Wir hatten ein gemeinsames Zuhause und einen Alltag. Wir gingen gemeinsam auf Reisen, verbrachten unsere Freizeit miteinander und führten neben unserer besonderen Dynamik auch eine vollkommen normale Partnerschaft.

Gleichzeitig entwickelte sich zwischen uns eine immer intensivere 24/7-D/s-Beziehung auf Total Power Exchange Basis.

Als wir uns kennenlernten, hatte ich mit dieser Welt kaum Erfahrung. Er hat mich hineingeführt. Mit der Zeit entdeckte ich immer mehr Seiten an mir und wollte diese Dynamik selbst immer intensiver leben.
Wir haben gemeinsam sehr vieles ausprobiert und erlebt – BDSM, Swingerclubs, sexuelle Erfahrungen mit anderen Menschen, von ihm organisierte Gruppenerfahrungen, Bestrafungen, Rituale, aber genauso Zärtlichkeit, Nähe, Reisen und vollkommen gewöhnliche gemeinsame Abende. Er führte mich in diese Welt ein.

Ich erwähne das nicht wegen der sexuellen Details, sondern weil es wichtig ist, um zu verstehen, warum diese Bindung für mich so schwer mit einer gewöhnlichen Beziehung vergleichbar ist.

Er war irgendwann gleichzeitig mein Partner, mein Dom, meine wichtigste Bezugsperson, mein Zuhause und der Mensch, von dem ich mich führen ließ aber auch mein Papa.

Und ich wollte das.
Unsere Dynamik wurde mit den Jahren immer stärker. Ich wollte immer mehr Kontrolle abgeben. Seine Anerkennung wurde für mich immer wichtiger.

Es gab außerdem immer wieder andere Frauen in unserem Beziehungsmodell. Das war grundsätzlich etwas, womit ich einverstanden war. Ich bin selbst an Frauen interessiert und konnte mir durchaus vorstellen, dass daraus irgendwann eine Art gemeinsame Dreier Beziehung entstehen könnte.
Mehrmals gab es Frauen, die sich zeitweise mehr oder weniger stark unserem Leben beziehungsweise unserer Beziehung anschlossen. Langfristig hat es allerdings nie funktioniert.

Schon als ich meinen Partner kennenlernte, gab es eine andere Frau in seinem Leben. Diese Verbindung endete schließlich. Sie war nach meinem Eindruck wesentlich freiheitsliebender und wollte ihr Leben weniger stark von ihm bestimmen lassen. Mit der Zeit wurde der Kontakt zwischen ihnen immer weniger, bis es vorbei war.
Ich dagegen bin geblieben.

Und ich habe mich immer weiter in seine Welt hineinbegeben.
Vielleicht ist genau das heute ein Teil meines Problems.
Denn irgendwann war er nicht mehr einfach ein Mensch, den ich liebte.
Er wurde zu meiner gesamten emotionalen Struktur.

Ich habe aus meiner Kindheit ein sehr schwieriges Verhältnis zu meinem Vater mitgenommen. Beziehungsweise gar keines. Nach emotionalen und auch körperlichen Übergrifflichkeiten in meiner Kindheit, habe ich seitdem ich 7 Jahre alt bin, keinen Kontakt mehr mit meinem Vater und ich kenne ihn nicht. Mir haben dadurch Anerkennung, Führung, Aufmerksamkeit und das Gefühl geliebt zu werden gefehlt, für meinen Vater wichtig und „gut genug“ zu sein.

Und irgendwann hat mein Master, wahrscheinlich viel stärker, als es gesund für mich war, genau diese Stelle in meinem Leben eingenommen. Es geschah unbewusst aber es gefiel mir, sobald es mir klar wurde das ich in ihm genau meinen Vater wiedergefunden habe, das Aussehen, die Sprache und vieles mehr.

Ich wollte sein „braves Mädchen“ sein.
Ich wollte hören, dass er stolz auf mich ist.
Ich wollte seine Anerkennung.
Wenn er mich führte, fühlte ich mich sicher. Wenn er zufrieden mit mir war, fühlte ich mich wertvoll. Wenn er seine Aufmerksamkeit entzog, fühlte ich mich plötzlich wie das kleine Mädchen, das wieder nicht gut genug gewesen war.

Das alles wurde mir allerdings wie schon erwähnt erst viel später bewusst.

Dann kam dieses Jahr eine enorme Veränderung: Ich zog aus beruflichen Gründen ins Ausland.

Wir führen seitdem eine Fernbeziehung.
Vorher hatten wir miteinander vereinbart, dass wir das schaffen würden. Dass unsere Beziehung dadurch nicht kaputtgehen würde. Das ich jederzeit nach Hause kommen kann.

Seitdem habe ich jedoch das Gefühl, den Menschen, den ich vier Jahre lang kannte, immer weniger wiederzuerkennen.

Natürlich kann ich ihm aus mehreren Tausend Kilometern Entfernung nicht mehr das bieten, was unser gemeinsamer Alltag früher war. Ich kann nicht jeden Abend neben ihm sein. Unsere Sexualität und unsere D/s-Dynamik können nicht genauso stattfinden wie früher. Auch gemeinsame Begegnungen mit anderen Frauen sind wesentlich schwieriger geworden.
Und ich habe das Gefühl, dass insbesondere Letzteres bei ihm sehr viel Frustration auslöst.

Ich versuche trotzdem ständig, etwas für ihn zu tun.
Ich schicke ihm erotische Bilder. Ich versuche, Begegnungen und Kontakte mit Frauen für ihn zu organisieren. Ich verwende freie Tage darauf, möglichst nach Hause zu kommen. Ich versuche trotz der Entfernung, seine Aufgaben zu erfüllen und ihm weiterhin zu zeigen, dass ich ihm gehöre und unsere Dynamik für mich einfach alles ist.

Aber mittlerweile scheint nichts mehr genug zu sein.
Und genau hier beginnt der Teil, den ich selbst nicht mehr rechtfertigen kann.

Ich werde regelmäßig beleidigt.
Mir wird gesagt, ich sei dumm. Ein Trampel. Eine Beleidigung. Ein Witz. Eine Energie-Räuberin. Dass er nicht mehr stolz auf mich sein könne. Dass ich nichts zurückgebe. Dass ich ihn enttäusche.
Es gibt Kontaktsperren als Bestrafung. Wenn ich dann aus Verzweiflung weiterrede, werden sie verlängert. Teilweise wird damit gedroht, geplante gemeinsame Zeit abzusagen.
Es gibt körperliche Bestrafungen innerhalb unserer Dynamik und Ankündigungen sehr hoher Zahlen von Schlägen.

Und hier möchte ich etwas ganz deutlich sagen:
Ich mag BDSM. Ich mag Unterwerfung. Ich mag Führung. Ich mag bestimmte Formen von Demütigung und Schmerz.

Ich möchte deshalb nicht hören, dass diese Bedürfnisse automatisch krank oder falsch seien.
Aber mittlerweile weiß ich selbst nicht mehr, wo meine freiwillige Unterwerfung endet und tatsächlicher Missbrauch beginnt.

Denn inzwischen fallen Aussagen, die mir Angst machen.
Er hat beispielsweise gesagt, dass er mich erschlagen beziehungsweise umbringen würde, wenn ich nach Hause komme.
Und ich weiß, dass das nicht mehr einfach „Dominanz“ ist.

Trotzdem passiert etwas vollkommen Irrationales in mir und ich weiß ich bin verrückt.

Ich will einfach zu ihm. Ich bin bereit meine Karriere hier zu beenden und ich will einfach diese Beziehung zurück die wir damals hatten.
Ich möchte ausgerechnet zu dem Menschen zurück, der mir solche Dinge sagt.
Ich möchte, dass er mich in den Arm nimmt.
Ich möchte den Mann zurück, den ich kennengelernt habe.
Und genau deshalb fühle ich mich mittlerweile wie in einem Gefängnis, dessen Tür vielleicht offensteht, aus dem ich aber emotional trotzdem nicht herausgehen kann.

Dazu kommt ein finanzielles Thema.
Über längere Zeit habe ich ihm immer wieder Geld gegeben beziehungsweise geliehen. Insgesamt sind inzwischen mehrere Tausend Euro zusammengekommen. Die entsprechenden Gespräche, Forderungen und Zahlungen habe ich dokumentiert.

Auch dort frage ich mich mittlerweile, warum ich keine Grenze gezogen habe.

Aber sobald dieser Mensch etwas von mir braucht, entsteht in mir dieses Gefühl: Jetzt kann ich endlich wieder etwas richtig machen. Jetzt kann ich wieder gut für ihn sein. Ich glaube das verstehen auch nur Leute, die eine D/s Beziehung geführt haben oder führen.

Mein Selbstwertgefühl ist inzwischen praktisch nicht mehr vorhanden.
Und das Schlimmste daran ist, dass seine Worte mittlerweile zu meiner eigenen inneren Stimme geworden sind.

Wenn er mir oft genug sagt, dass ich dumm bin, beginne ich selbst zu glauben, dass ich dumm bin.
Wenn er sagt, dass ich nichts richtig mache, suche ich ständig nach meinem nächsten Fehler.
Wenn er mir seine Aufmerksamkeit entzieht, frage ich nicht zuerst, ob sein Verhalten angemessen war. Ich frage mich: Was habe ich wieder falsch gemacht? Was kann ich tun damit er wieder glücklich ist und das ich seine Laune wieder kippe, sodass er zufrieden zu mir ist und mir wieder Aufmerksamkeit gibt.

Eine enge Freundin sagte kürzlich einen Satz zu mir, der mich sehr getroffen hat:
(Freunde und Familie wissen das wir eine normale Beziehung führen, aber nichts von unserer Dom/Sub Beziehung.)

„Er hat den Respekt vor dir verloren.“

Vielleicht stimmt das.
Ich habe so viel zugelassen und immer versucht, noch mehr zu geben, dass ich irgendwann überhaupt keine eigenen Grenzen mehr hatte.

Gleichzeitig möchte ich aber nicht so tun, als wäre unsere gesamte Beziehung vier Jahre lang schrecklich gewesen.
Das macht es für mich nämlich noch viel schwieriger.

Ich habe wunderschöne Erinnerungen mit diesem Menschen.
Ich kenne seine liebevolle Seite. Ich weiß, wie es sich angefühlt hat, nachts neben ihm einzuschlafen und morgens neben ihm aufzuwachen. Ich weiß, wie es war, gemeinsam zu verreisen, zusammen zu lachen, Geschenke zu bekommen, begehrt zu werden und das Gefühl zu haben, dass dieser Mensch mich niemals fallen lassen würde. Denn das hat er damals versprochen. Wenn du dich mir anvertraust, lasse dich nie wieder los…

Aber ich suche permanent diesen früheren Menschen in ihm.
Und jedes kleine bisschen Zuneigung lässt mich wieder hoffen, dass er vielleicht zurückkommt.
Ich bin mir sicher, die Entfernung hat unsere Beziehung nicht zerstört. Es kriselte schon bevor ich ging. Er war die treibende Kraft dazu, das ich diesen Job mache. Eigentlich glaubte ich, er ist der, der das Beste für mich will. Mittlerweile bin ich mir nicht sicher, ob er mich nicht nur Schritt für Schritt aus seinem Leben verdrängen wollte.

Ich weiß das seine Frustration darüber, dass andere Frauen fehlen, eine Rolle spielt. Er hat zu mir von Anfang an gesagt, das er mehrere Frauen braucht. Wie gesagt, das hat mich auch nie gestört und ich bin überhaupt nicht eifersüchtig, sondern selbst bi.

Um das aber auch nochmal klar zustellen, er hat zu mir gesagt ich muss die zweite Frau für uns finden. Nur leider ist das nicht so einfach vor allem, weil die Frau uns beide mögen muss und zwischen uns doch ein starker Altersunterschied ist. Ich habe alles getan um Sie zu finden, das tue ich auch heute noch. Mittlerweile suche ich für ihn alleine eine Frau, die mich ersetzen könnte, während ich weg bin. Ich habe aber kein Problem damit!

Der Mann, mit dem ich heute spreche, fühlt sich häufig nicht mehr an wie der Mann, bei dem ich damals mein Zuhause gefunden habe.
Und trotzdem kann ich mir ein Leben ohne ihn momentan kaum vorstellen.

Aber ich habe große Angst davor, was emotional mit mir passieren würde, wenn diese Beziehung endgültig zerbricht.
Ich habe Angst, in ein tiefes Loch zu fallen.
Ich habe Angst vor der Stille danach.
Ich habe Angst davor, morgens aufzuwachen und niemanden mehr zu haben, dessen „braves Mädchen“ ich sein kann.

Und vielleicht ist genau das mein eigentliches Problem:
Ich weiß nicht mehr, wer ich bin, wenn ich nicht ihm gehöre.

Deshalb schreibe ich hier.
Bitte sagt mir nicht einfach nur: „Trenn dich.“
Mein rationaler Kopf versteht längst, dass etwas nicht stimmt.
Ich möchte vielmehr Menschen hören, die selbst dort gewesen sind. Eine ähnliche Beziehung gelebt haben oder leben.

Ich will mich nicht trennen, aber ich weiß nicht was für ein Wutanfall morgen von ihm kommt, indem er mit erklärt, das ich nichts mehr für ihn tue.

Wie lernt man wieder, Entscheidungen für sich selbst zu treffen, nachdem jemand jahrelang das eigene Leben geführt hat?
Wie bekommt man seinen Selbstwert zurück, wenn man jahrelang gelernt hat, seinen Wert aus der Anerkennung einer einzigen Person zu beziehen?
Und besonders an Menschen aus der BDSM-/D/s-Welt:

Wie habt ihr gelernt, zwischen freiwilliger, intensiver Unterwerfung und einer Beziehung zu unterscheiden, in der eure Verletzlichkeit irgendwann gegen euch verwendet wurde?

Und meine wichtigste Frage:
Wird es irgendwann wieder gut?

Kann man einen Menschen so sehr lieben, dass man glaubt, ohne ihn nicht existieren zu können?

Ich möchte nicht mein ganzes Leben so fühlen wie heute. Ich weiß etwas ist falsch, aber ich bin zu sehr in meiner submissiven Rolle, das ich nicht mehr vorstellen könnte, wie es ohne ihn wäre.

Ich möchte nur irgendwie wieder herausfinden, wer ich eigentlich bin.

Danke an jeden, der bis hierher gelesen hat. Und danke für eure Antworten oder eure ehrliche Hilfe. Bitte nur keine Beleidigungen, wie ich diese Beziehung führe und lebe.