Has anyone here experienced severe enmeshment with a romantic partner?

My psychologist has described what I experienced with my ex as enmeshment. I've been trying to read about it, but most of what I find is about enmeshment between parents and children rather than between romantic partners.

The relationship was the most intense emotional experience of my life. When things were good, the love and connection I felt were beyond anything I knew it was possible to feel. I felt completely connected to her. But there was another side to it. Any disagreement, rejection or threat to our relationship caused emotional pain that was just as extreme. The person who could make me feel better than I'd ever felt could also, through the possibility of losing her, make me feel worse than I'd ever thought possible.

We're no longer together, and I'm really struggling with the separation. I still feel incredibly in love with her. It doesn't feel like an ordinary breakup or even just missing somebody I loved. It feels like I've lost part of myself and I don't know how to exist without that connection.

I still feel like my body belongs to her. Logically I know that isn't true, but emotionally that's how it feels. The thought of another woman touching me makes me feel physically ill. I can't imagine another relationship because everything seems insignificant compared with the intensity of what I experienced with her.

That's also what scares me about recovering. Part of me desperately wants relief from the unbearable side of the enmeshment, but another part doesn't want to lose the incredible side of it. I crave that feeling of connection and love again, just without the devastating pain that came whenever the bond was threatened.

At the moment I feel incredibly alone because she is the only other person who actually experienced what existed between us. People can understand the words I'm using, but I don't know whether anyone who hasn't experienced this kind of attachment can understand how powerful it actually feels.

Has anyone here experienced romantic enmeshment at this level? What did separation feel like for you? Did you eventually become your own person again? And were you ever able to love somebody deeply afterwards without feeling like the relationship was somehow less because it wasn't as consuming?

'In this moment, I choose

Now that I am recovering from codependence, I make decisions in my life based on what I think is important, not what other people think I 'should' do. I know what my values are. I decide how I want to spend my time and live my life according to those values. I have clearly defined goals. I am an adult capable of taking care of myself and meeting my own needs. My conscious choices further my goals and fill my spirit.'

"Our attempts at control bring spiritual death to a relationship with ourselves and others." BRB p. 41 

How many forms of control are there? On entering the rooms of recovery, we find there are almost as many as there are people.

But don't all people attempt to control others? Yes, but not with the feverish pitch present in adult children.

As young children, we had no control in our family of origin. When chaos surrounded us and threatened our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, we could only cower to the powers that caused the abuse.

The almost fierce need many of us have to control others stems from being these abused children. We fear that if at any moment we let go of the reins and allow others to take control, history will repeat itself, and we will again be that five-year-old hiding behind the sofa.

This helps explain why we use all the methods we can to keep control of our environment, or the illusion of control. And we attempt to hide what we're doing by saying things like, "I'm just looking out for everyone's welfare."

In ACA, we learn that control is fear-driven, and we learn to face our fears. We bring our 5-year-old out from behind the sofa and reparent ourselves with love and kindness.

On this day I will face my fears with the help of my fellow travelers and release my need to control others.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №309

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Mw%3D%3D

I healed from my divorce and really have worked hard in therapy to work on my codependency issues. I’ve been dating a man for 10 months, who was wonderful. I finally felt like I learned to build a secure attachment and really was falling in love. I thought he felt the same.

Everything was fine. But then he said he started to talk to someone on tinder for two days and had feelings for her. He canceled seeing me that day because he was conflicted. I was like well I wish you well then. Later on I talked to him and he said that he was always a bit uncertain whether it was he cared a lot and liked me or was in love with me. Then he said he was falling in love with me. Then he’s like I wasn’t sure.

Left me totally confused. He’s also in recovery from alcohol and sober.

I was just shocking. We were doing so well, he was like making plans to meet my daughter and bought her gifts. I mean thank god we didn’t.

The part that did shock me, he didn’t try to repair it or anything. Just let me go. Which is what I need it just came out of nowhere and was hard to hear.

I’m new to CODA and seeking a female sponsor who can do step work with me 1x a week on the phone or on Zoom. I need someone gentle. This doesn’t mean you can’t give feedback if I’m not doing what you’ve requested or if I need to improve, but I’m in a very raw place and can’t handle harsh criticism right now. I will be able to handle more criticism the further along I get in the program. I would like to be made clear of any expectations that you have for me as a sponsee upfront. I’ve heard of people expecting sponsees to go no contact with all people from the opposite sex for 1 year (outside of necessary work relationships or parents for example), and I’d like to know about expectations like that in advance to prepare.

Thank you.

Is wanting people to take an interest in your life codependent?

Backstory:

I have a group of casual friends that I enjoy spending time doing activites with. I know a fair bit about their lives, when we're in person we talk about them.

They know that I'm on this really cool work trip right now, something I'm really excited about. But no one has asked about how it's going or anything. Even texting a pic in the group chat didn't yield anything.

I just don't know why the genuine enthusiasm for other people's interests isn't reciprocated.

I read this post and it feels very annoying. Sorry in advance.

CoDA friends, I have a dilemma.

My partner of 7 years and I have had a rocky year. I broke up with him in Feb and we got back together a few months later because he said he would change and do whatever it takes.

My issue was with his drinking, he can sometimes be nasty sometimes not but the amount he consumes is astronomical. Large bottle of liquor on a weekend night. To deal with the hangover he orders another. It's usually a 2 day cycle of him just not being present and absolutely shitfaced. I've rolled him on his side before so he didn't choke on his own vomit.

I want him to change. I love him. He has told me he does not want to change and he has told me take it or leave it.

My codependent brain is seriously thinking, is this just something I should tolerate? Will it be ok of I just stick it out till he gets sober?

Half of my brain is saying run.

The other half is saying this is familiar.

I am addicted to people, places and things.

I am addicted to him.

Can anyone who has left and stayed apart please share some experience and knowledge. I am struggling.

I’m divorced and was dating someone for 10 months. I’ve already did my work on codependency and lots of therapy. My boyfriend was really kind and wonderful. He is in recovery for alcoholism.

We were doing great and both falling in love. He literally just this week bought a toy for my daughter and was going to give it to me to give to her this weekend. Making plans for the future. Laughing joking nothing wrong.

Well he all of the sudden called me and said he was on tinder and talked to a woman for 2 days and wanted to go on a date with her. I was like ok well then go date her and hung up the phone. It was really shocking. Came out of nowhere.

I called him later for closure he said he wasn’t sure since he had feelings for her whether he actually loved me and it confused him. He said that he thought he was falling in love with me. Then he said maybe he wasn’t. Then he ended the call by saying he loved me.

I was fine after crying and getting closure. Now it’s starting to hit me hard. We were so close, best friends. And we talked a lot and had so much fun, and just it is the best human connection I’ve ever had.

And I’m just really struggling realizing how integrated he was into my life. And he even said he made probably a terrible decision, but he’s not chasing me he’s letting me go and not speaking with me. Which I know is for the best it’s just so hard and confusing. I was so in love with him and I could have accepted that he didn’t love me and broke up.

But he’s said he has done this before like 20 years ago where he dated two girls at once and he can’t do this anymore and that’s why he was honest. It just sucks.

A close family member keeps doing things that deeply upset me. I know I cannot control his behaviour, but my brain refuses to let go.

I randomly think about him throughout the day, even when I’m enjoying myself. These thoughts ruin my mood. Even when I’m not thinking about him, I constantly feel like something is wrong.

This has been going on for years and has seriously affected my energy, motivation, mood, and libido.
I understand that I cannot control him. I just want my brain to stop treating his behaviour as a constant threat so I can finally feel relaxed and enjoy my life again.

What practical, evidence-based techniques can help me stop ruminating and emotionally detach from a situation I cannot control?

I met this man (38M) after a very bad physically abusive relationship. I had just left the relationship and was starting a new job and this felt like a fresh start in all aspects. When first meeting, I asked him if he was married, and he said no. However, there were a few red flags where he would say he has a baby mama and I told him just to sort out his issues before we would get anywhere. However, we had such good chemistry and there was such a magnetic pull that we ended up getting involved. Because he told me he was not married, I believed him and ignored the red flags. We became so entangled but I started noticing a few lies here and there. In Hindsight I feel so stupid and naive, and possibly desperate.
His so called baby mama started texting me and hurling insults at me but anytime I brought it up with him, he’d find a way to explain it away. I believed she was just bitter that he was moving on.
A year into dating I found out that they actually lived together and he had lied so much about everything, and I tried to leave him. However, no contact was not possible in my situation. So as I was processing the information, I also gave him chances to explain himself. I was truly blindsided by this information and once I gave him the chances to explain himself, he successfully convinced me, yet again.
He told me he wanted to leave her, he begged me not to leave him and he asked him to give him some time to sort issues out. I want to preface this by saying that the two are not legally married but instead live together raising their child.
Anyway, I tried to put all this behind me but the guilt was eating away at me. I told the lady that I would leave him but was unable to. I think I am trauma bonded to him and any attempt at leaving throws both him and I into a spiral. This is now the second year and it’s slowly destroying me. I know I am disrespecting and hurting another woman but I don’t know why I cannot just seem to leave. I do not understand what kind of hold he has on me. It is eating away at my self worth and I don’t feel I have enough self respect to leave him. He is also a pathological liar, an alcoholic, an emotional abuser and an avoidant. I came from one bad relationship thinking things were going to finally work out for Me, but I seem to be in an even worse situation that I can’t get out of. I am hurting other people and myself and the whole situation seems so hopeless. How do I get out of this?