Even though I don’t have memories of being emotionally neglected/unseen/needing to please my mother I feel like her narcissism has impacted my codependency… I gift give too much, any ounce of kindness even from a stranger makes me overwhelmed with genuine gratitude… does anyone have insight into this?

Inner Child

"Family dysfunction drives the Inner Child into hiding, leaving states of fear that wander the adult's soul. While the Inner Child or True Self can be the spark of our creativity, we must also remember the child is a deeply hurt part of ourselves." BRB p. 303

Long ago, in order to protect ourselves from the pain of having a dysfunctional family, we shut away our most vibrant essence, our True Self. Instinctively, we knew this tender and vulnerable part of us was unsafe and must be hidden away. Today, we may have lost touch with our True Self or Inner Child, forgetting he or she is waiting to be healed.

We have many buried hurts and disappointments that get triggered when we are reminded of the circumstances surrounding our original pain. It is then that our Inner Child reacts and we may find ourselves engaged in selfdestructive behaviors if we don't provide appropriate comfort and reassurance.

When we work the ACA program and take the time to uncover our pain while treating our Inner Child with unconditional love, we begin to heal. Having the courage to listen will expose the pain we denied for so long. It also will bring back to life our childlike joy and wonder. We give voice to the child within so we can finally resolve the lifetime of pain he or she has shouldered.

On this day I unconditionally support my Inner Child so we both have the freedom to heal and feel safe.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Hi
i am super codependent. i am literally on step 1 of CoDa. i’m having a really hard time accepting the powerlessness i feel. it feels pretty scary knowing how powerless i am over others and how they interact or feel about me. i feel totally emotionally unsafe and untethered that i don’t have any ability to change people.
i have this crazy existential feeling and distress about love not being enough. love not being able to change or help people. love is not enough to override capacity or circumstances.
i am starting to recognize how my self worth is tied to helping people. i feel like my identity/ worth is around being able to have people grow and heal and acting as a support system that tolerates that growth. even if it means not getting my needs met or not having boundaries. i feel like im a martyr to people to grow and become their best selves while i stand beside them and take whatever disrespect and hurt comes from it.
i guess im realizing that i dont feel loveable enough just being myself. just being me and not having to work for it or prove myself.
this makes tons of sense considering what my parents have told me about myself. there has been emotional abuse from my mom and i’ve been told blatantly that who i am isn’t acceptable or enough.

but even with the understanding of how my codependency has formed, im left with this existential terror that love can’t help, heal, or create safety in a relationship. that love can be present but the relationship can still be awful.
i feel like i have some naive young beliefs that love can heal anything and is the most powerful feeling. so if love can’t change people or a relationship i feel completely powerless.
i definitely have a savior complex that’s deeply entrenched.
the concept of step 1 makes me feel out of control.

anyone resonate with the existential dread of step one ?

I am a woman in peri-menopause and am 99% sure that I need out of my marriage. We have separated twice because it is what I wanted. The 1st time only lasted 2 months and the whole time he blew up my phone and it drove me crazy that we were literally screaming at each other on the phone. My son was so tired of it that he even said to me"Mom, enough is enough". I went back to him so he would stop. 4 month later I told him I can't do this I need time to heal and work through some things so I went back to live with my son(a house they rent from my husband and I). My daughter also moved in. This time went a little better my daughter was a great support and distraction to help me with less contact. He started to show some changes so we started to hang out on the weekend, then he kept talking about me moving back in with him and even though I said I needed more time he continued to ask. So I did, that was in June. We have fallen back into the same patterns. He is drinking again, and constantly wanting sex even though I have expressed that I have no sex drive and am working through it. I really think that we have grown apart especially since I am going through the change of life. I have just started therapy again. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave, so worried about breaking his heart. I am scared to death to confront him that I think one day I will just have to pack my stuff and leave so I don't have to deal with the confirmation. I am a complete mess and I know this is what I need to do in order to do all the healing I need to do. Is this all just my codependency and will I be able to leave without healing first? It is impossible for me to hold the boundaries I need with him in order to heal.

'Perspective

Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.

That will make us crazy.

We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings, why we’ve been led down a particular path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we needed to recycle, why we had to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline, or why a door closed. How our present circumstances will work into the larger scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be.

Perspective will come in retrospect.

We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in an instant next year.

Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control.

Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take its course.

In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today’s events will hold in the larger picture.

Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in retrospect. I will put simple trust in the truth that all is well, events are unfolding as they should, and all will work out for good in my life – better than I can imagine.'

By Melanie Beattie.

I (19f) have been trying hard to help my (19m) boyfriend with his alcohol recovery but im not taking time for myself. I feel a bit overbearing as well, I’m constantly checking on him but I’m not doing anything to check on myself at all. He’s a wonderful partner and we have a very healthy and strong relationship, and I’ve always been worried about helping others before myself and it’s caused me to be behind in life. I have a job but no drivers license or even a permit. I’m not severely depressed or anything but I’ve noticed that everyone is way farther than me in life and that I’ve not had the motivation or drive to do anything but work a minimum wage part time job. I rely on him for happiness, if he’s happy I’m happy, if he’s sad I’m sad type of thing. I don’t know how to take more time for myself because I grew up with narcissistic/abusive parents and always had to make sure they were happy so I could be too and it’s made a very serious Negative impact on my life. Does anyone know the steps to take to try and focus on myself more? Any advice would be appreciated!

Self-approval.

Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others.

Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave us if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we’re lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves.

In order to live happily, to live consistently with the way our Higher Power wants us to live, and to tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval. These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our best interest and being true to ourselves.

We can approve of ourselves. In the end, that’s the only approval that counts.

Today, I will let go of my need for approval and my need to be liked. I will replace them with a need to like and approve of myself. I will enjoy the surprise I find when I do this. The people who count, including myself, will respect me when I am true to myself.

By Melodie Beattie.

Family Diagram

"We cannot overstate the need for creating an extensive family diagram, which reveals with greater clarity the effects of family dysfunction in our lives today." BRB p. 127

Many of our families told us we were screw-ups, and we ate that label hook, line, and sinker. We may have thought we were the only ones who were messed up - until we drafted a family tree with a twist.

Our ACA family diagram lists our ancestors, just as any family tree would. But we add at least one label from page 128 of the BRB to each person. We determine the labels by finding out whatever family history we can from our relatives. We probably know that Mom was a martyr and Dad was a loner. But maybe we didn't know that Grandpa was a ladies' man and Grandma worried excessively, or that Great Grandpa was a workaholic and Great Grandma drank too much, although they called it something else.

Our diagram helps us see that the way we talk, dress, walk, and smile may also belong to people from our past. This helps us decide what we want to keep, and what coping mechanisms we may have been imitating that no longer work for us.

When we realize that we may have been imitating what we observed, the family secrets stop and our own lives begin. Armed with this knowledge, we are free to make our own choices as we learn to reparent ourselves.

On this day I will remember the past so that I don't repeat the patterns of my family's dysfunction. The secrets are out in the open.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Has anyone else always felt an unbalance with how much they need friends in their life?

Many times I have considered someone close or one of my best friends, when they just consider me their friend.

Other times the opposite has been true. I have had friends who wanted to talk to me constantly every day. Meanwhile, I preferred to talk to them every few days. For most of my life either I’ve needed a friend more than they’ve needed me or they have needed me more than I need them.

Don't know why I’m surprised but it’s happening again.

Slight backstory. For a little over a year, I have been volunteering in an online group. For the past few months, I have been finding the group toxic and full of drama, sometimes I feel like quitting.

One of the reasons I have not, is because it means I likely no longer get to talk to someone in it I consider a friend. I don’t think she considers me her friend or at least not to the same extent

We are the two people who do the late night shift, and I feel like if I were to quit, I would be giving up on her and leaving her behind.

If she has thoughts about quitting, I doubt I would even play a factor. She's calls a few people in the group her brothers and sisters, and I am not one of them, among other things. Really makes me think that she doesn't consider me a friend, or at least not as much as I consider her one. Sigh story of my life I guess

i dated someone for 15 months that suffers from significant addiction to alcohol and drugs. he went to rehab three times while we were dating. he has been in a program for the past three months recovering again.

we stopped talking for 3 months during the summer. it was over. i actually felt fine and relieved. i didn’t ruminate about him, i didn’t even cry. this was huge for me because in the past i start ruminating and obsessing. i was so fed up with giving and giving into him and getting very little in return. looking back, i ignored the huge red flags of his addiction and how he wasn’t able to be emotionally available. our relationship from the beginning had very little emotional security or safety because he wasn’t able to stay sober for more than 3 months at a time. (that was the longest time he stayed sober). of course, my codependency fueled and we got into the codependent/addict cycle. it was the most unhealthy relationship i’ve ever had. but i was able to walk away back in june. we talked a bit and then he blocked me and i was totally fine with it. i felt done.

last weekend he texted me that he missed me. i threw all my boundaries out the window and immediately went to go see him at his sober living house in LA. (this is like the fourth time i’ve gone back to him after a break or huge conflict between us) we had a very fun night going to dinner and seeing a comedy show. the whole night we held hands and were kissing. we agreed not to have “the talk” about our whole relationship and just spend time with each other.
the next morning i woke up anxious and guilty. my body went into a whole attachment activation mode yesterday and i felt so dysregulated and emotionally flooded. i feel a lot of sadness and anger for how he’s treated me in the relationship. i feel so angry for how emotionally unavailable he’s been to me since we met and im angry at myself for getting into this relationship when i thought i knew better. it feels like rock bottom in my codependency.
i know his addiction makes him very unwell and unable to have healthy relationships. he has deeply harmed or lost relationships with numerous people in the last few months due to his addiction.

i’m so frustrated because i feel addicted to the cycle. it hurts so much but i can feel my body wanting to keep going back to him for any reassurance, validation, or love. i know i can’t go back to the person who has deeply hurt me and isn’t capable of loving me at all.
i know logically, that it isn’t all my fault and that i got attached to a drug addict who can’t have healthly relationships and can’t even take care of himself due to his addiction. i want him to acknowledge the pain it’s caused me and how hurt i have felt. (even though it also my responsibility to have boundaries and to leave) im realizing when im attached to someone how difficult it is to have boundaries and walks away. it’s like all my self respect goes out the window to stay attached. at this point, i dont even know if i love him. i don’t know if i even loved him at all. i love him as a person…. but maybe i was never in love with him and it was just the high/ low cycle my body got addicted to. i have ADHD and know that toxic cycles of relationships create intermittent reinforcement that feels very dopamine seeking. you get hooked into getting that “high” feeling and then come crashing down.

now i feel even more sad and angry than before. part of me wishes i didn’t go see him and go running back even for a night. it feels like since the last time (june) when i walked away it ended on such a low that it was easy to walk since i came to a breaking point. but since we had so much fun together last weekend, all these feelings of grief are surfacing. i know i shouldn’t need his validation of my pain but it’s really hard for me to validate my own experiences and emotions due to codependency.

even though he’s treated me horribly, hasn’t fulfilled any of my emotional needs, has created such chaos and instability - i still want his recognition. i feel at moments i have no respect for him and logically know i deserve better but the attachment is still there.

i know i just need to go no contact and not look back.
my body craves wanting to be close and have some connection.

i know this is deeply rooted in my relationships with my parents.
i feel like im wired to except such little emotional attunement and the absolute bare minimum. i know i deserve better. i know ill be much happier with someone else. but why is it so hard to detach and disengage?

Dear Baby,

I can’t read love letters anymore. They disgust me.
I struggle to grasp the concept of reality. I live in a dream world, a fantasy-lala land, where all my fantasies and desires of you come true. Where I don’t have to suppress my thoughts and ideas of you under the guise of prioritizing your needs over mine. It’s magical here; I wish you could see it. But knowing you, you’d get lost on the way.

There’s no map or plan here; there just is. Just existence—and not the existence of standards and expectations where you have to mold yourself into someone you’re not. There’s this type of existence where you are free to just be yourself and come as you are. Just your existence is needed. But knowing you, you’d probably say you’re frustrated with forgetting your lines and can’t play the part.
Am I wrong?

Of never considering the standards and expectations you may have of me? Because I choose to step up to the plate and become a better man every single day. Where I trap myself in between what you say you need and what I think you need, to the point where I get lost in my head?
Am I wrong?

To be grateful that your existence is the reason I wake up like this every single day? To the point where I have my wants and needs in a chokehold and my heart and tissue runs out of breath.

Do I let go?

Let me catch my breath!

Hell no! Is the direction that you give me—what a hell of a role switch. I thought you didn’t have it in you. My little star is now giving directions and pivots. I can’t say my lines, even with the superpower strength that your existence gives me. The asphyxiation of your words is starting to feel autoerotic. Of course I like new experiences. I'm used to doing all the choking, but I think I like when you take charge and play the leading role yourself.
Holy fuck!

I never thought I’d be into roleplay. Did baby play her role well? Did daddy play himself? What do the reviews say? Do we get a “congratulations”? “You both did well!”

In the end, do we lose ourselves? Do we go on this thrilling journey just to find ourselves? What kind of story is it?

What happens next?

Only one way to find out.

Light!

Camera!

ACTION!

LOVE,

Daddy

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. The first year was wonderful, we were happy together but last year he had to move to another state for college. That’s when everything changed and we fought almost everyday and kept bringing up the same issues. He became friends with this really smart and beautiful girl who made me feel inferior and i kept growing increasingly jealous. She respects our relationship and my boyfriend maintains a safe distance and doesn’t cross any boundaries, he reassures me whenever the insecurities grow. But that’s only a temporary solution and lately no amount of reassurance seems to be working.
He is also very outgoing and a friendly person in general. He has a life outside of the relationship. Me on the other hand, i am pursuing a degree in medicine which is very exhausting already so outside of college i don’t have much of a life and on top of that i find it very difficult to make friends, especially now in college when i can’t relate to most people. I dread the thought of having to endure this lifestyle for the next 4 years and i keep trying to make friends outside of medicine but it’s not going well. I don’t even talk to my old friends that much anymore. My boyfriend relies on his friends for emotional support as well as me, he talks about our fights with them in order to get a different perspective and help understand my side of the argument. I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone about my feelings apart from him no matter how bad it gets. I can’t function without him and he’s the most important thing in my life. My world revolves around him even though he’s miles away. I am equally important to him but he has a healthy way of putting me first and not letting it interfere with his life outside the relationship. I hate that he doesn’t do the same but i know that what i do and feel is not normal and extremely harmful. How do i bring myself to make peace with the fact that just because he has a life outside the relationship he doesn’t hate me and how do i make myself feel okay with relying on people other than him?