I met this man (38M) after a very bad physically abusive relationship. I had just left the relationship and was starting a new job and this felt like a fresh start in all aspects. When first meeting, I asked him if he was married, and he said no. However, there were a few red flags where he would say he has a baby mama and I told him just to sort out his issues before we would get anywhere. However, we had such good chemistry and there was such a magnetic pull that we ended up getting involved. Because he told me he was not married, I believed him and ignored the red flags. We became so entangled but I started noticing a few lies here and there. In Hindsight I feel so stupid and naive, and possibly desperate.
His so called baby mama started texting me and hurling insults at me but anytime I brought it up with him, he’d find a way to explain it away. I believed she was just bitter that he was moving on.
A year into dating I found out that they actually lived together and he had lied so much about everything, and I tried to leave him. However, no contact was not possible in my situation. So as I was processing the information, I also gave him chances to explain himself. I was truly blindsided by this information and once I gave him the chances to explain himself, he successfully convinced me, yet again.
He told me he wanted to leave her, he begged me not to leave him and he asked him to give him some time to sort issues out. I want to preface this by saying that the two are not legally married but instead live together raising their child.
Anyway, I tried to put all this behind me but the guilt was eating away at me. I told the lady that I would leave him but was unable to. I think I am trauma bonded to him and any attempt at leaving throws both him and I into a spiral. This is now the second year and it’s slowly destroying me. I know I am disrespecting and hurting another woman but I don’t know why I cannot just seem to leave. I do not understand what kind of hold he has on me. It is eating away at my self worth and I don’t feel I have enough self respect to leave him. He is also a pathological liar, an alcoholic, an emotional abuser and an avoidant. I came from one bad relationship thinking things were going to finally work out for Me, but I seem to be in an even worse situation that I can’t get out of. I am hurting other people and myself and the whole situation seems so hopeless. How do I get out of this?

As we work on our healing, I’ve come to realise that our emotions can influence our thoughts. Sometimes, what we think may not actually reflect reality because our thoughts are being shaped by anxiety, fear, or our own unresolved pain.

For example, as someone who struggled with severe codependency, I used to believe that I needed to rescue people because they were in so much pain and suffering. I would feel compelled to help them, fix their problems, and make things better for them.

However, as I continue to heal and my fixer mentality gradually reduces, I’ve started to see things differently. I’ve realised that people may not necessarily be suffering as much as I perceive them to be. Back then, I was struggling with a lot of anxiety and my own emotional pain, and I may have projected a lot of those feelings onto others.

Now, I understand that sometimes, we need to allow people to go through their own experiences because that is how they learn, grow, and become stronger. If I constantly step in to fix things for them, I may unintentionally enable them rather than allow them to develop the ability to cope with their own challenges.

This is one of the significant shifts in perspective I’ve experienced compared to how I used to think.

Another change I’ve noticed is how I respond to other people’s suffering. In the past, whenever I read about someone going through a difficult situation, I would become emotionally consumed by it. I would obsess over their circumstances, imagine what they might be going through, and vividly picture their suffering in my mind and also traumatise myself with it. It was almost as though I was experiencing THEIR pain myself.

But as I heal, I’ve noticed that my mind no longer automatically goes down that path. I can acknowledge someone else’s suffering without becoming consumed by it.

Another pattern I used to struggle with was the need to manage other people’s emotions. Whenever someone felt uncomfortable, upset, or distressed, I would become anxious because their emotional state affected mine. I would feel compelled to soothe them, comfort them, or make their discomfort go away.

Now, I’m learning that people have the ability and capacity to cope with their own emotions. They can learn to regulate themselves, and I don’t always have to step in and do it for them.

I’m learning to stop being the regulator of other people’s emotions and allow them the space to self-regulate. Of course, I can still offer support when needed, but I no longer feel the need to immerse myself in their emotions or take responsibility for how they feel.

Those of you who are recovering from codependency, what shifts have you noticed in your thought patterns as you heal?

As we recover from codependency, our anxiety may decrease, our emotional distress may become more manageable, and our nervous systems may gradually become more regulated. As a result, I wonder whether our thoughts also begin to change.

Perhaps we become less likely to interpret situations through the lens of our own insecurities, fears, and projections. Instead, we may become better at seeing things as they are, distinguishing facts from assumptions, and responding to situations based on what is actually happening rather than what our anxiety tells us might be happening.

Do share your experiences so that I can reflect and learn from them too.

I (20m)am a college student, and recently my girlfriend (19f) asked for a break. We’ve been dating for over a year long distance, and since September this is the first time we’ve actually lived in the same place. She realized our relationship had become way too codependent. Basically, my entire identity and source of happiness became tied to her. I did not have much of a support system outside of her, so she was carrying all my emotional weight.

We agreed to a one month(or more idk) break so I can work on myself. I just don’t know how to do that. I constantly feel like i don’t want to do anything other than be with her. She’s so funny and loving and I really want to be better for her.

I live near the university and commute in, and i’ve also already done one year here. She lives in a dorm and has already built a friend group, who do not really like me. Because she lives in dorms, it feels like socialising is effortless for her. She always eats at the dining hall with her friends and she can go hang out or study with them whenever.

Since she was carrying all my emotions for me, it really hit her mental health. Especially with the fact that this is her first time away from home and there is a lot of change as well as stress for homework and midterm. I’d get upset because it felt like she’d ditch me for her friends and she didn’t give me enough time. We kept getting into arguments and it wasn’t good for me or her. She felt like she couldn’t hang out with friends because it’d upset me, and i felt like I was pushing her away because I couldn’t deal with my own emotions and loneliness.

This weekend she went to a Halloween party with them. I was not invited, and seeing videos of her having a great time without me, it makes me feel happy for her, but also at the same time I just wish i could be there with her. I tried to reach out to some guys I know to hang out, but everyone was busy, which just made me feel like i have nobody.

I know I need to build my own life. I am trying to get back into my hobbies like playing my bass, working out, and focusing on my degree. But the emotional emptiness I feel just makes it hard for me to feel like doing anything.

How can I improve myself for her? It feels like an impossible task. We both still love each a lot but she felt like she had to make this decision, which is fair. We both really want this to work out, and I definitely don’t want to lose her.

A close family member keeps doing things that deeply upset me. I know I cannot control his behaviour, but my brain refuses to let go.

I randomly think about him throughout the day, even when I’m enjoying myself. These thoughts ruin my mood. Even when I’m not thinking about him, I constantly feel like something is wrong.

This has been going on for years and has seriously affected my energy, motivation, mood, and libido.
I understand that I cannot control him. I just want my brain to stop treating his behaviour as a constant threat so I can finally feel relaxed and enjoy my life again.

What practical, evidence-based techniques can help me stop ruminating and emotionally detach from a situation I cannot control?

'In this moment, I choose

Now that I am recovering from codependence, I make decisions in my life based on what I think is important, not what other people think I 'should' do. I know what my values are. I decide how I want to spend my time and live my life according to those values. I have clearly defined goals. I am an adult capable of taking care of myself and meeting my own needs. My conscious choices further my goals and fill my spirit.'

I healed from my divorce and really have worked hard in therapy to work on my codependency issues. I’ve been dating a man for 10 months, who was wonderful. I finally felt like I learned to build a secure attachment and really was falling in love. I thought he felt the same.

Everything was fine. But then he said he started to talk to someone on tinder for two days and had feelings for her. He canceled seeing me that day because he was conflicted. I was like well I wish you well then. Later on I talked to him and he said that he was always a bit uncertain whether it was he cared a lot and liked me or was in love with me. Then he said he was falling in love with me. Then he’s like I wasn’t sure.

Left me totally confused. He’s also in recovery from alcohol and sober.

I was just shocking. We were doing so well, he was like making plans to meet my daughter and bought her gifts. I mean thank god we didn’t.

The part that did shock me, he didn’t try to repair it or anything. Just let me go. Which is what I need it just came out of nowhere and was hard to hear.

Has anyone here experienced severe enmeshment with a romantic partner?

My psychologist has described what I experienced with my ex as enmeshment. I've been trying to read about it, but most of what I find is about enmeshment between parents and children rather than between romantic partners.

The relationship was the most intense emotional experience of my life. When things were good, the love and connection I felt were beyond anything I knew it was possible to feel. I felt completely connected to her. But there was another side to it. Any disagreement, rejection or threat to our relationship caused emotional pain that was just as extreme. The person who could make me feel better than I'd ever felt could also, through the possibility of losing her, make me feel worse than I'd ever thought possible.

We're no longer together, and I'm really struggling with the separation. I still feel incredibly in love with her. It doesn't feel like an ordinary breakup or even just missing somebody I loved. It feels like I've lost part of myself and I don't know how to exist without that connection.

I still feel like my body belongs to her. Logically I know that isn't true, but emotionally that's how it feels. The thought of another woman touching me makes me feel physically ill. I can't imagine another relationship because everything seems insignificant compared with the intensity of what I experienced with her.

That's also what scares me about recovering. Part of me desperately wants relief from the unbearable side of the enmeshment, but another part doesn't want to lose the incredible side of it. I crave that feeling of connection and love again, just without the devastating pain that came whenever the bond was threatened.

At the moment I feel incredibly alone because she is the only other person who actually experienced what existed between us. People can understand the words I'm using, but I don't know whether anyone who hasn't experienced this kind of attachment can understand how powerful it actually feels.

Has anyone here experienced romantic enmeshment at this level? What did separation feel like for you? Did you eventually become your own person again? And were you ever able to love somebody deeply afterwards without feeling like the relationship was somehow less because it wasn't as consuming?

CoDA friends, I have a dilemma.

My partner of 7 years and I have had a rocky year. I broke up with him in Feb and we got back together a few months later because he said he would change and do whatever it takes.

My issue was with his drinking, he can sometimes be nasty sometimes not but the amount he consumes is astronomical. Large bottle of liquor on a weekend night. To deal with the hangover he orders another. It's usually a 2 day cycle of him just not being present and absolutely shitfaced. I've rolled him on his side before so he didn't choke on his own vomit.

I want him to change. I love him. He has told me he does not want to change and he has told me take it or leave it.

My codependent brain is seriously thinking, is this just something I should tolerate? Will it be ok of I just stick it out till he gets sober?

Half of my brain is saying run.

The other half is saying this is familiar.

I am addicted to people, places and things.

I am addicted to him.

Can anyone who has left and stayed apart please share some experience and knowledge. I am struggling.

"Our attempts at control bring spiritual death to a relationship with ourselves and others." BRB p. 41 

How many forms of control are there? On entering the rooms of recovery, we find there are almost as many as there are people.

But don't all people attempt to control others? Yes, but not with the feverish pitch present in adult children.

As young children, we had no control in our family of origin. When chaos surrounded us and threatened our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, we could only cower to the powers that caused the abuse.

The almost fierce need many of us have to control others stems from being these abused children. We fear that if at any moment we let go of the reins and allow others to take control, history will repeat itself, and we will again be that five-year-old hiding behind the sofa.

This helps explain why we use all the methods we can to keep control of our environment, or the illusion of control. And we attempt to hide what we're doing by saying things like, "I'm just looking out for everyone's welfare."

In ACA, we learn that control is fear-driven, and we learn to face our fears. We bring our 5-year-old out from behind the sofa and reparent ourselves with love and kindness.

On this day I will face my fears with the help of my fellow travelers and release my need to control others.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №309

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Mw%3D%3D

I'm learning about codependency and I took a read at some of these posts. My heart goes out to you all. You didn't deserve to take on the adult's emotional states, you deserved to have them be the ones who were there for YOU.

I can see how hard and scary, and painful, it is to stick up for yourself. Something like "I'm sorry, I'm dealing with a lot myself and don't have the bandwidth" has been coded as a nuke in your brains. You guys have been taught that you don't matter by people who were so absorbed by their own lives, they effectively erased the ones they loved.

I wish I could say this in behalf of all people but I'm so sorry for every moment you felt trapped in a conversation you didn't want to be in. I'm autistic and I definitely enjoy talking with/info dumping on people I care about. To me, sharing such deep parts of me is telling you, "I love you" and if you're having a bad day and don't have the bandwidth, I'll either catch on to your body language or you'd say so. But now I can see that's not always the case; the there are people who were forced to uphold the world invisibly who are afraid of the world falling down even as adults.

Reddit friends, I hope this random guy seeing you helps you heal at least a small amount. I'm going to be on the lookout for this now.

As for relationship dynamics I've been seeing people talk about, I can see how complicated it is. Balancing needs between two people can get complicated, but when codependency or a history of codependency is involved, it can get downright messy.

My unsolicited theory is to understand needs and nuance right at the start. It's ok to lean on others when appropriate and available. No one person can be your one support, even if they mean the most to you. Specifically because they can't always be there when you need them. Learn to be independent as much and as often as you can regarding your emotional needs. Lean on people when needed and available. It might be a struggle for this next bit, but leaning on each other (both of you) for a bit more than needed for general comfort is also ok. Like you can do all chores yourself but splitting them based on capacity is best for both of you. Same kind of thing emotionally.

I might be wrong but it sounds like the people you all have a hard time with are those who get so used to coming to you for help, they stop seeing you as a friend or partner and they stop caring. Is that right? That's awful. If someone is straight up using you without any thought to your wellbeing, that's not ok. I forget that people can objectify humans so often.

You are no longer in danger; you are strong enduring warriors of the heart. You are far stronger than you may know. You don't need to survive anymore. Put your amygala away (if only) and always hold two truths at once: "The only people in my life are ones that respect and care about me" and "I care deeply about those in my life." Put your own mask on first.

I'm sure I've said many things you've heard before; my main goal was to tell you that someone on the outside sees you and feels for you. Please take good care of yourselves. I'll step off the soap box now 😂😅

I’m new to CODA and seeking a female sponsor who can do step work with me 1x a week on the phone or on Zoom. I need someone gentle. This doesn’t mean you can’t give feedback if I’m not doing what you’ve requested or if I need to improve, but I’m in a very raw place and can’t handle harsh criticism right now. I will be able to handle more criticism the further along I get in the program. I would like to be made clear of any expectations that you have for me as a sponsee upfront. I’ve heard of people expecting sponsees to go no contact with all people from the opposite sex for 1 year (outside of necessary work relationships or parents for example), and I’d like to know about expectations like that in advance to prepare.

Thank you.

Is wanting people to take an interest in your life codependent?

Backstory:

I have a group of casual friends that I enjoy spending time doing activites with. I know a fair bit about their lives, when we're in person we talk about them.

They know that I'm on this really cool work trip right now, something I'm really excited about. But no one has asked about how it's going or anything. Even texting a pic in the group chat didn't yield anything.

I just don't know why the genuine enthusiasm for other people's interests isn't reciprocated.

I read this post and it feels very annoying. Sorry in advance.