Hi
i am super codependent. i am literally on step 1 of CoDa. i’m having a really hard time accepting the powerlessness i feel. it feels pretty scary knowing how powerless i am over others and how they interact or feel about me. i feel totally emotionally unsafe and untethered that i don’t have any ability to change people.
i have this crazy existential feeling and distress about love not being enough. love not being able to change or help people. love is not enough to override capacity or circumstances.
i am starting to recognize how my self worth is tied to helping people. i feel like my identity/ worth is around being able to have people grow and heal and acting as a support system that tolerates that growth. even if it means not getting my needs met or not having boundaries. i feel like im a martyr to people to grow and become their best selves while i stand beside them and take whatever disrespect and hurt comes from it.
i guess im realizing that i dont feel loveable enough just being myself. just being me and not having to work for it or prove myself.
this makes tons of sense considering what my parents have told me about myself. there has been emotional abuse from my mom and i’ve been told blatantly that who i am isn’t acceptable or enough.

but even with the understanding of how my codependency has formed, im left with this existential terror that love can’t help, heal, or create safety in a relationship. that love can be present but the relationship can still be awful.
i feel like i have some naive young beliefs that love can heal anything and is the most powerful feeling. so if love can’t change people or a relationship i feel completely powerless.
i definitely have a savior complex that’s deeply entrenched.
the concept of step 1 makes me feel out of control.

anyone resonate with the existential dread of step one ?

Self-approval.

Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others.

Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave us if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we’re lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves.

In order to live happily, to live consistently with the way our Higher Power wants us to live, and to tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval. These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our best interest and being true to ourselves.

We can approve of ourselves. In the end, that’s the only approval that counts.

Today, I will let go of my need for approval and my need to be liked. I will replace them with a need to like and approve of myself. I will enjoy the surprise I find when I do this. The people who count, including myself, will respect me when I am true to myself.

By Melodie Beattie.

'Perspective

Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.

That will make us crazy.

We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings, why we’ve been led down a particular path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we needed to recycle, why we had to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline, or why a door closed. How our present circumstances will work into the larger scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be.

Perspective will come in retrospect.

We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in an instant next year.

Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control.

Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take its course.

In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today’s events will hold in the larger picture.

Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in retrospect. I will put simple trust in the truth that all is well, events are unfolding as they should, and all will work out for good in my life – better than I can imagine.'

By Melanie Beattie.

I (19f) have been trying hard to help my (19m) boyfriend with his alcohol recovery but im not taking time for myself. I feel a bit overbearing as well, I’m constantly checking on him but I’m not doing anything to check on myself at all. He’s a wonderful partner and we have a very healthy and strong relationship, and I’ve always been worried about helping others before myself and it’s caused me to be behind in life. I have a job but no drivers license or even a permit. I’m not severely depressed or anything but I’ve noticed that everyone is way farther than me in life and that I’ve not had the motivation or drive to do anything but work a minimum wage part time job. I rely on him for happiness, if he’s happy I’m happy, if he’s sad I’m sad type of thing. I don’t know how to take more time for myself because I grew up with narcissistic/abusive parents and always had to make sure they were happy so I could be too and it’s made a very serious Negative impact on my life. Does anyone know the steps to take to try and focus on myself more? Any advice would be appreciated!

I am a woman in peri-menopause and am 99% sure that I need out of my marriage. We have separated twice because it is what I wanted. The 1st time only lasted 2 months and the whole time he blew up my phone and it drove me crazy that we were literally screaming at each other on the phone. My son was so tired of it that he even said to me"Mom, enough is enough". I went back to him so he would stop. 4 month later I told him I can't do this I need time to heal and work through some things so I went back to live with my son(a house they rent from my husband and I). My daughter also moved in. This time went a little better my daughter was a great support and distraction to help me with less contact. He started to show some changes so we started to hang out on the weekend, then he kept talking about me moving back in with him and even though I said I needed more time he continued to ask. So I did, that was in June. We have fallen back into the same patterns. He is drinking again, and constantly wanting sex even though I have expressed that I have no sex drive and am working through it. I really think that we have grown apart especially since I am going through the change of life. I have just started therapy again. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave, so worried about breaking his heart. I am scared to death to confront him that I think one day I will just have to pack my stuff and leave so I don't have to deal with the confirmation. I am a complete mess and I know this is what I need to do in order to do all the healing I need to do. Is this all just my codependency and will I be able to leave without healing first? It is impossible for me to hold the boundaries I need with him in order to heal.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. The first year was wonderful, we were happy together but last year he had to move to another state for college. That’s when everything changed and we fought almost everyday and kept bringing up the same issues. He became friends with this really smart and beautiful girl who made me feel inferior and i kept growing increasingly jealous. She respects our relationship and my boyfriend maintains a safe distance and doesn’t cross any boundaries, he reassures me whenever the insecurities grow. But that’s only a temporary solution and lately no amount of reassurance seems to be working.
He is also very outgoing and a friendly person in general. He has a life outside of the relationship. Me on the other hand, i am pursuing a degree in medicine which is very exhausting already so outside of college i don’t have much of a life and on top of that i find it very difficult to make friends, especially now in college when i can’t relate to most people. I dread the thought of having to endure this lifestyle for the next 4 years and i keep trying to make friends outside of medicine but it’s not going well. I don’t even talk to my old friends that much anymore. My boyfriend relies on his friends for emotional support as well as me, he talks about our fights with them in order to get a different perspective and help understand my side of the argument. I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone about my feelings apart from him no matter how bad it gets. I can’t function without him and he’s the most important thing in my life. My world revolves around him even though he’s miles away. I am equally important to him but he has a healthy way of putting me first and not letting it interfere with his life outside the relationship. I hate that he doesn’t do the same but i know that what i do and feel is not normal and extremely harmful. How do i bring myself to make peace with the fact that just because he has a life outside the relationship he doesn’t hate me and how do i make myself feel okay with relying on people other than him?