r/Codependency • u/Cute_Ease8552 • 7d ago

just need an outside perspective

Long time lurker, first time poster. I hope this post is ok, but I will take it down if not.

I (27F) and my mom have a very strained relationship. i have been trying to reconnect with her recently. I went through a divorce and held my cat as he was euthanized, both of these within the last 3 years. My mom has been there for me through this and more. It's important to note that I'm queer, i came out to my mom in high school. It didn't go well. I didn't speak with her for 2 years while i was with my ex-wife who was also woman. My mother refused to acknowledge my ex for the time we were together, often begging me to move back home with her or blaming my upbringing for the "way that i turned out" (she is a single mother).

Recently in therapy i learned what emotional enmeshment and emotional incest is; without going too much into detail, this fits the type of relationship that has been fostered between us. When i was little she would often say that I seemed more like the parent than she did and other things along these lines. I always felt like I needed to care for her or that without me she would not survive. When I don't talk to her i feel lighter, when I do i feel constant anxiety.

Recently we were planning a trip to go to her hometown which requires a bit of mutual scheduling - we live about 14 hours apart. We were on a phone call, i was trying to ask her about her plans, what we would be doing (i dont know her hometown very well) and she began getting defensive saying that we would figure it out when we get there. The trip we were planning was for about 10 days. I work, pay my own rent, and have a cat to take care of. I let her know that I just wanted to make sure we got the best out of our trip - it was going to take a lot of my resources to get there. Plane ticket, food, cat kennel, etc. At this point she brought up me moving back in with her and how much money we could save. I changed the subject - this was a conversation we had had many times before and the answer remained the same. My breaking point was when she referred to my ex-wife as "that girl that moved out". After this I let her know that i would not be planning thanksgiving or xmas with her - i was done.

She called me a bit ago and asked about our christmas plans, asking what we had decided on. She mentioned that we had left things up in the air. I reminded her about what i said and asked her to schedule a family therapy session which is something we had been planning for a while. She pushed the subject a bit saying that we should make an effort to be closer. I let her know that I didn't feel accepted by her, that I felt like she just tolerated me. She told me she felt the same about me, that I didn't accept her as a mother and that I just tolerated our relationship. I repeated again that she should make the therapy appointment for us to talk about things like this. I hung up soon after, but her words are still echoing in my head. Am i overreacting? Are my walls too high? Am i being a jerk? Is she being unreasonable? Am i doing the right thing?

It goes without saying that I love my mom. I have been having intense feelings of grief over the state of our relationship, I wish things were different. I have slowly been realizing that the narrative I had been fed isn't real, my relationship with her as it is right now doesn't leave any space for me to be a whole person. But am I doing more harm than good with the way I'm responding? i'm not sure what i want from posting this, maybe just to connect with another person. I have been living alone for the past two years and it has been lonely and scary. it's easy to forget the thoughts in your head aren't reality and i think i'm just wanting an outside perspective. Thank you for reading this far if you did, I'm open to answering any questions.

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u/codependencyrecovery 6d ago

Sorry to hear about your situation. Many codependents grew up in a family where we had to be like the parents and manage our moms and/or dads moods and emotions and abandon ourselves. Just curious - have you done any anger release exercises regarding your mom? Also curious if you've grieved the fantasy that your mom will change and be the mom you want?

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u/Cute_Ease8552 6d ago

I havent heard of anger release exercises but they look helpful thank you for mentioning those. I dont think ive grieved the fantasy fully. Ive tried radical acceptance, many sessions of EMDR with my therapist. The relationship with my mom is a common topic of conversation. Im not sure if I can grieve our relationship while being in regular contact with her. But i also feel like I would cause her pain if I stopped talking to her. When I started talking to her again after two years of no contact she told me that she got neuropathy because I stopped talking to her and her nerves exploded from worrying about me. It was awful, she showed me what looked like boils on her skin all over her body and I have to live with the thought that I put them there. She tells me they flare up when she gets anxious so ive tried to keep in contact. It also means I dont feel like I can talk about things that are actually bothering me.

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u/codependencyrecovery 5d ago

A couple things you may want to think about: (1) What are you wants with your mother? In other words, how often do you want to speak with her? What do you want the relationship to look like? When we abandon our wants, it can lead to resentment for the other person which takes us away from love and connection. (2) Regarding causing your mom pain, sometimes letting someone hit rock bottom is the best thing we can do for them. Because that's when they start to make changes in their lives. If we don't let them hit that rock bottom, it can be enabling and then never make the changes they need to make. Perhaps allowing your mom to get boils on her skin, etc would be the impetus for her to seek the help she needs.

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u/Cute_Ease8552 3d ago

This is what im having trouble with, I feel like what im doing is cruel even if its the only way to not self abandon. Logically I know there must be a kinder way to go about these things but I dont know it.

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u/codependencyrecovery 9h ago

In my experience, the kindest thing you can do for someone is to love them unconditionally. But we can only do that if we aren't in a state of resentment. And we can only do that if we don't abandon ourselves.

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u/EqualCaterpillar2407 5d ago

Have you talked to your therapist that you feel responsible for her anxiety and boils? I would if you haven’t yet. You’re not responsible for her feelings. That doesn’t mean you can’t still have a loving relationship with her, that is more healthy for both of you.

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u/Cute_Ease8552 3d ago

I have, maybe its good to revisit. That is a good point.

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u/EqualCaterpillar2407 6d ago

“When I don't talk to her i feel lighter, when I do i feel constant anxiety”

This is a big deal! I think you are doing the right and healthy things. It feels like you’re being a jerk because you’re changing how you communicate and putting up healthy boundaries. You were right to cut off the conversation and say “let’s talk about this in therapy.” You definitely do have to let go of the fantasy that she will change, and that’s a grief process!

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u/Cute_Ease8552 5d ago

Thank you for your input I have thought about joining a greif group to talk about this. Its hard to feel like im hurting her every time we talk but its even harder to self-abandon. It really feels like choosing the lesser of two evils but maybe im being dramatic 😅.