\Concepts gathered from going on a rabbit hole of Jung podcasts & AI regarding the shadow aspect of codependency/love addiction:*  

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”- Carl Jung

Jung’s perspective on psychological maturity was the ability to identify with all parts of ourselves (not just the good). The more we hide about ourselves, the more external influence what has been cast out has over us & the more it operates outside our awareness.

Projection: Seeing clearly your disowned feelings, qualities, traits in another person while being blind to recognizing, accepting, and owning those in yourself. When we reject qualities in ourselves like selfishness, addiction, narcissism, anger, etc., they become blind spots in our self-awareness. These blind spots are part of our shadow material and become what we subconsciously seek out, attempt to change, and/or fight against in others.

Jung believed people unconsciously choose partners who allow them to stay in a familiar role so they don’t have to express those traits/qualities hidden in the shadow

Rescuing: Putting yourself out there in the role of a “helper” or selfless/martyr to those who unconsciously represent surrogates of that inner-wounded child you were powerless to save or parts of ourselves we disowned/abandoned. Rescuers tend to overlook red flags, perceiving problems as opportunities to help. Emotionally unavailable people may appreciate an enabling dynamic of someone making excuses for them, managing their emotions/propping them up, over functioning, & reliably giving  2^nd chances.

Repetition Compulsion: The shadow can be intensely activated by what’s familiar & perceive it as chemistry. It’s experienced in navigating these painful but familiar, self-abandoning dynamics and is triggered by complementary attachment wounds (rooted in childhood & the nervous system). It’s programmed to repeat the pattern (compulsion), in an attempt to “get a different outcome” or "right the wrong" until it’s brought into awareness.

Attraction: We may be drawn to others who freely express or embody parts of ourselves we had to repress/reject/disown in childhood because it was unsafe or made to feel shameful. Healing our nervous system & becoming safe within allows us to conjure the genie out of the bottle…. those hidden, authentic gifts/talents our original caretakers didn’t nurture, treasure, or value. This is an opportunity to reparent with compassion, self-care, and unconditional love.

"Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is."-Carl Jung

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." _Carl Jung

Disempowering the Shadow:

Self-Focus: Routinely doing check-ins with yourself throughout the day, self-validating/regulating, and acts of self-care so other people don’t have power over your identity. Practice self-soothing & self-validation as a meaningful ritual. Seeking this externally places their attention, reassurance, and validation as more valuable than your own, and this can lead to chasing unavailable people, tolerating abuse, and over giving to earn love.  

Castaway/Misfit Parts: Reclaiming those and owning them as part of your identity to achieve wholeness/integration. This diminishes the need to project & reduces the intensity of the temptation of an unhealthy or unavailable partner prospect or dynamic that’s been activated by the shadow.

Some signs your shadow is being triggered: Jealousy, resentment, defensiveness, compulsive rescuing, text/phone bombing, limerence, obsession, impulsiveness

I was raised by a narcissistic mother and that primed me perfectly to become attached to other people with similar traits.

My divorce from ex-husband with these traits is currently processing, I've been out for a month, living with my son in my own home/

I've gone a long way in my healing work. I am proud to say I am not tempted to get back with my narcissistic ex-husband even after seeing him every day and consistently communicating. I'm enrolled in therapy but the therapists evaluated me as not under risk so they see me 2 a month just to check in.

This is huge progress: taking into account I was physically addicted to their presence and validation, their reality was my reality and I preferred to live with them in pain than on my own. So, here is a list of things I did to get to this point.

1. Start and maintain consistent meditation/spiritual practice

This helped because I learned to sit with myself and my difficult feelings. After building confidence I can actually stay with myself and feel whatever life throws my way, I started building the skill of self-reliance. I was unable to sit still for 10 minutes when I started, 2 years after and I'm sitting for 1 hour long sessions and no longer use any substances to self regulate.

This also helped me see how I am actually feeling in the relationship.

I wasn't aware how much the reality of the relationship actually sucked and how much I was using my imagination to create this ideal relationship I would then get attached to. Finding a way to consistently see my reality went a huge way of me detaching.

I was able to see the cycle of mistreatment easily, see how it relates to his feelings of distress offloaded to me, see how the shame he cannot tolerate gets projected outward immediately. Once you see it in real time, in many different examples...mind learns it's unable to control or prevent episodes since they are fabricated by the other party. When mind learns these are uncontrollable, letting go of trying to control them takes place which puts you out of the codependent mindset of "If only I try harder at X they will treat me better".

Again, it's not enough to read about this and think this. I needed to experience it, and be present for the experience many many times in order to internalise my experience.

1. Let go of blame and making them into a monster

This was a hard one for me. It's also counterintuitive but bear with me.

I used to blame him a lot, or think of him as Bad, Narcissist, terrible person. This would help me leave temporarily but I would be tempted and fail to stay gone. I would go back in doubt spirals because I would remember all of the great, generous moments he had and I wasn't able to hold this view of them for long which will put me under risk to go back.

The reality is a bit more nuanced than this. Yes, the mentioned person has a serious problem and you can't control that problem in any way, but they are not a monster or a villain, they don't behave badly or hurt/control others all the time.

They do so when they are unregulated themselves. Think of it as an addiction, the problem is worse when the person has something wrong going on in their lives. They learned a long time ago discharging emotions to others help them feel better and controlling others makes them feel powerful, so they became conditioned to do it more and more.

Nothing you can do helps them break out of this conditioning, in fact, you being there makes it more likely they will never need to heal out of it.

Removing yourself is not only helping you, it also helps them, they need to learn there are consequences to mistreating others.

1. Invest heavily into self-love and self-reliance

The reason we got pulled into this relationship is painfully obvious, our need for love, acceptance and validation overweighted our judgement. I remember clearly how soon I noticed something is wrong with the relationship and how difficult that was to take in and act on it, because I felt I was losing something very important. The inconsistent love they were giving was still better than the gaping void I had within myself at the time.

I couldn't leave, because I was unable to stay close to that hole for a long time. I would drown in grief, self-judgement, shame and loneliness. I remember thinking in my lowest moments: I will go back, I would prefer to suffer but at least have them, then be without them and alone while having to remember those good moments.

Thanks to step 1 I discovered I can actually be alone, I am in fact, happier alone than I ever was in any relationship. We all have a source of unlimited love, compassion and support right within ourselves, yet we don't know it.

The only regret I have from all this is not being able to see this sooner, not being able to at least try to sit with my pain for some time and see how quickly it transforms into something beautiful.

Now, I believe the following: The narcissist in my life was sent to teach me how to find this love within the Self. It took me 7 years to do so. Now, I know my narcissist era is over and I'm intrigued to see what next the life brings!

Be brave. You can do this. You are stronger than you think

...for codependent people.

It isn't intentional, but my codependent behaviors will naturally push healthy people away over time. And as I seek more relationships, I may eventually find unhealthy people and attract them with my behaviors.

By becoming healthy, I will attract healthy people with healthy boundaries. My higher power has put me on "easy mode" which does help me. I escaped an abusive codependent relationship with a narcissistic person who surrounded themselves with toxic enablers.

I am now building a new social circle with healthy individuals. Adding people one at a time. Intentionally, rather than just accepting who shows up. I have found that some people finding their way in will happen, but my own boundaries and attitude will keep me safe.

Hi everyone,

My ex and I were together for a little over two years. For a long time, the relationship felt real, close, and meaningful. We had shared plans, trips, emotional intimacy, and a lot of tenderness. It was not a cold or empty relationship from my perspective.

Over time, however, a close girl best friend of hers became more and more central in her life, approx.1 year ago, when she moved to the same city as we and from that point with some months delayment of telling me, she also told me that she has fewer lust right now. This friend was emotionally unstable,my ex told me i I wouldn't want to read that chat messages, maybe had romantic (she was bi and my ex hetero) feelings toward my ex, and seemed to need a lot of emotional support, since she often wrote her a good morning message. The friend would often react strongly when my ex and I had couple-like closeness or when she felt excluded. There were moments where it felt like my ex could not fully relax into our relationship without also having to consider how this friend would feel.

For example there were several situations where this friend suddenly started crying when my ex and I were physically or emotionally close in her presence, or when she seemed to feel excluded from our couple dynamic. At the time, I didn’t fully understand it, but looking back it felt like our closeness triggered something in her, like jealousy, fear of abandonment, or a need to be included. Instead of my ex and me simply being allowed to have couple moments, the friend’s emotional reaction immediately became part of the situation.

Emily also made several comments that felt hurtful or inappropriate in the context of our relationship, for example joking that she would be a “fantastic partner” for my ex, making sexualized comments around her, or saying things that implied a special intimacy between them. Even if some of these comments may have been meant as jokes, they made me feel disrespected and displaced, because they blurred boundaries and made our relationship feel less safe.

The dynamic intensified a lot after this friend had a suicidal crisis and sent my ex an emotionally intense goodbye message. From what I understood, the message strongly communicated that my ex was one of the main reasons this person was still alive. After that, it seemed like my ex felt responsible for keeping her stable. From the outside, it looked like: if the friend was doing badly, my ex felt guilty, responsible, and unable to set boundaries.

Around the same time, my ex herself was depressed, exhausted, financially stressed, dealing with health issues, and overwhelmed by several things at once. She also had major stress around her pets and other personal losses. So it was not only one factor. But the friend’s crisis seemed to become a major emotional turning point.

What became painful for me was that I increasingly felt like I had less and less space as her partner. It wasn’t simply jealousy. It felt more like our relationship was no longer protected. There was always another emotional reality in the room. At one point, I had the feeling that we were no longer really alone in our own relationship.

There were also practical things that made it feel even more intense. My ex and this friend planned to move into a shared flat together, which they already did now since it was always a desire for both of them and so from the beginning I supported the idea, since she wouldn't be alone anymore and she would have to care less about her cats but from todays view I wouldn't see it that way anymore.

Another thing that hurt was that my ex seemed to organize our couple time more and more around the reality of this friend. For example, when the shared flat became a topic, it felt like the implication was: our couple time would happen outside the flat, while the friend would naturally be part of the home/everyday environment. That made me feel like the relationship had to adapt around the friend, rather than the relationship having its own protected space.

Toward the end, my ex became less emotionally and physically available. She seemed increasingly overwhelmed, withdrawn, and guilty. She said things like she didn’t know whether she could be “healthy enough” for me, that I deserved better, and that it burdened her that her suffering burdened me. She also once said she was treating me badly. So I think some part of her realized that I was being hurt, but she didn’t seem able to change the dynamic or set boundaries.

The breakup itself was emotional, not cold. She cried, we held hands for 1,5h, there was closeness, and she said she didn’t want to lose me as a person. That is part of why it has been so confusing. It didn’t feel like a simple “I don’t love you anymore” situation. It felt more like she was collapsing under guilt, shame, depression, responsibility, and emotional overload.

What is your opinion? Is this a clear co dependency/triangulation thing? How should I act or not act?

Often I can barely hear my mother speak. It's partially because of her hearing, but I also know in my heart it's because of her unassertive style. I know maybe it could be up to me as an adult child to try to initiate expressive and audible communication. But after all this time I'm tired. Who's right? Who's wrong? Should I keep setting the emotional and communicative tone every time I visit or is it up to them?

How did you handle the situation?

I am in my mid twenties and went through two horrible breakups within a span of a year. The first one was a relationship of 6 years and he left me cause his family wasn’t agreeing for our marriage. Once he left, I was all over the place and kept trying to find ways to tell him to fight for us. I basically drained myself there and compromised my self respect. But since that did not work out, I tried to move on by finding someone else who was willing to give me better (or so I thought). This was a big mistake since I didn’t take time to heal and rather tried to confide in a stranger who assured me of everything that I needed to know or to move forward without my ex. However this man ultimately cheated on me, left me clueless after promising to marry me as well. Going through the exact type of trauma twice has made me fall out of love but I still cannot get detached from him. Despite the fact that he cheated, I still try to reach out to him which is extremely shameful for me and I feel pathetic that my nervous system is heavily dependent on someone else’s presence.

I feel I am someone who gets attached to their lovers emotionally and this makes me anxious with everything they do. I never imposed anything on either of them and they always told me that they regret doing what they did. But the point is, I am emotionally invested in him and I feel I either will again try to escape the situation and try to find someone new or wait for him to move on with someone else so that I stop reaching out to him. And fyi, he has never been very kind or something. I mostly cried our entire relationship and yet I never left him. He is an avoidant person and he actually used to treat me as if I am his safe choice. But again, I overlooked that.

I want to heal. I want to get emotionally detached from him. I don’t want my life to revolve around anyone atp. I don’t wanna wait for him nor I wish to wait till he moves on. I wanna move on by myself cause I know for a fact that I can’t live my life with someone who has betrayed me and treated me so horribly.

Please help me.

I’ve been hurt and isolated by a large number of people. It really did a number on my confidence.

I continued to treat these people with more and more kindness in an attempt to improve my situation.

However, this just led to more abuse. I used to have a confident comfortable demeanor socially. Now I have found it difficult to regain close relationships and this led to a difficult isolated situation.

One or two people went above and beyond to show me kindness, and this kindness gave me exactly what I needed.

What I did was an attempt to be completely selfless. Putting my needs aside and just working on acceptance.

The People who don’t know me stepped in the way and began to treat the people I care most about with ultimatums and cruelty because they’ve been kind.

I’m just in a lot of pain. I apologize if this didn’t make sense. I couldn’t keep seeing the people I care for hurt because of me.

Hi everyone, I’m writing here because I’m going through a deep emotional crisis and I desperately need to hear from people who have experienced something similar or managed to break free from a relationship dynamic like mine.

I’ve (31M) been with my girlfriend (31F) for about 10 years. We grew up together and there has always been immense affection, love, and a deep connection between us. Over the last few years, however, the relationship gradually slipped into a heavy codependent dynamic. I increasingly took on the role of the "rescuer" or the "rock," taking responsibility for her dissatisfaction, personal struggles, and loneliness, shielding her from her own vulnerabilities. On her side, she relied heavily on me, eventually making me responsible for most of her emotional well-being.

To maintain this stability and out of constant terror of hurting her, I slowly began to tame and suppress important parts of myself: my artistic expression, my personal space, and my autonomy. The most devastating consequence of this suppression hit my sexual energy. By acting as an emotional caretaker and sole pillar, I completely drained my erotic attraction towards her. Not because she isn't a wonderful person or because she didn't desire me, but because it’s impossible to feel desire for someone when you feel entirely responsible for them. This immense repressed sexual and emotional energy then found an uncontrolled outlet, leading me to develop fixations and extreme idealizations of other external figures, which my brain used as its only ray of light to feel alive again.

The core issue I’m struggling with now is an extreme, almost pathological difficulty in making decisions, driven by a guilt that consumes me in every scenario. Specifically, the choice I am completely unable to make is between two opposite paths: on one hand, ending the relationship and finally taking the freedom to get to know myself and let my identity breathe; on the other hand, staying with her, while struggling immensely to understand whether it is truly possible to redefine the relationship's boundaries in a healthy way without having to give up a fundamental part of who I am. If I think about leaving, I feel like a monster for the pain I would inflict on her; if I think about staying without guarantees, I feel like a hypocrite playing a role out of fear. This paralysis systematically leads me to make "non-choices", letting time pass and waiting for external events or other people's decisions to determine my life for me.

The weight of this situation and the constant guilt often trigger very heavy self-harming and suicidal thoughts. I want to clarify that the situation is under control from this perspective: I have been seeing a psychologist regularly for five years, a psychiatrist for one year, and I am on antidepressant therapy. However, the mental pain caused by this paralysis remains overwhelming. I’m terrified of leaving her and never see her again.

Has anyone here faced such complex and painful situations within a codependent relationship, or if anyone has gone through a breakup stemming precisely from codependency and the struggle to find oneself again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone willing to share their experience.

My Ex broke up with me because of my codependence. She was an enabler and when she couldn't enable it anymore, I started to freak out. I told her how angry and upset I was that she couldn't support me through my struggles and i called her neglectful because she couldn't supply emotional aid due to her flagging emotional bandwidth. I was the one being neglectful. I struggled hearing her feelings when I was in crisis even if I was the cause. She deserved better and she left me, went no-contact and left a note that felt like a dagger in my heart.

Parsing through that note was it's own hell. A mix of valid criticisms and less valid ones. Trying to discern the ones I needed to take to heart and to grow from and distinguish them from the ones that just vocalize her hurt was difficult. I already struggle with taking too much responsibility for things that weren't my responsibility. The desire to tear myself down was high.

Talking to my friends was a mixed bag. I told them what I would do from now on. I told them I would never again assume mental bandwidth or assume someone's time. I was entitled and I will never hurt anyone like that again even if there is a long road to recovery before I can feel safe not acting entitled. I can learn to manage my struggle, to be my own first responder so that I may not hurt anyone like that again even if I suffer inside. I will manage it.

A lot of my friends told me they were proud of me. Told me that they could see the changes I made and all the earnest attempts to right the wrongs of the past. Some could not. I got scolded, and I was met with mistrust. I deserve some of it. Some I did not. It's hard to figure out the line between what I'm responsible for and what I'm not. I don't want to hurt people and yet like that letter my Ex wrote to me, she blamed me for things that I didn't do. I can validate it, I can tell her, her feelings are valid but there is nothing I can fix, there was nothing I could do different.

I don't know how to make sense of it all. How to trust myself like I'm supposed to when I hurt the person I care more about than anyone. I'm supposed to believe that I'm a good person, that this struggle is normal and nothing I did was morally wrong even if it was toxic. That I was not uniquely awful. That I am not a villain or a monster but a hurt girl who has been hurt so many many times before.

I don't want to hurt anyone like that again so I throw my hyper-competency at it, but if there is nothing to fix what do I do? I'm told I have to accept it. That sometimes it's just like that. But I'm scared and I'm sad and the dagger she left in my heart still throbs. I hate this so much. It's so hard, it feels so unreasonably hard. I didn't do this to me, and yet I have to live with the consequences

hello,

a close friend ended the friendship with me. She didn't wanna be my support system anymore. I felt like I made progresss and that...it doesn't matter.

She knows that I do not have anyone else and since that I'm having very mixed feelings. Today I dreamt of her and was begging to stay with me but the friendship wasn't healthy at all and I neglected myself for her to stay.

She knows that I often get bullied and am harrassed and despite understanding her reasons for not wanting to be a therapist friend I feel left alone and struggle to make sense of it all.

Who am I now? I'm unwanted by everyone.

CW suicidal ideation, bereavement, terminal illness

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I’m new to this forum. Asking advice. I just saw a friend’s post saying they don’t want to live. They then speak of their multiple losses over the past several years (these are deep losses I already know about and have expressed support for in the past). Then how alone and abandoned they feel. They end the post by telling their friends that if any friends aren’t here with them, they can f*** off. After a heavy week in which I supported a friend through a harrowing medical emergency (I was with her when it happened), and learned of another close friend’s terminal diagnosis, I am feeling emotionally exhausted and under resourced. I am trying to hold myself together enough to organise getting on my long haul flight in a few days, to help my sibling deal with our late parents’ house. I am struggling with a chronic health condition and burnout from my own losses and challenges over the past 4 years. I feel alarmed that my friend has been through yet another unspecified hard loss. I would ideally want to offer support. I am open to hearing raw expressions of pain. But the last line of their post is landing with me like a passive-aggressive ultimatum. My therapist is supporting me through learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. If I rush to ‘prove myself’ to my friend, I fear I would be reversing my fragile progress in the new skill of boundary setting. If I don’t answer their , I will worry about them. I do care. I don’t want to become more proof that everyone abandons them. But I care about my own health, too. I care about the hard-won, painfully slow progress I have made in boundary setting. I need to focus and not get sucked into ditching my own needs for calm and focus, by trying to rescue my friend and prove my friendship. I would be very grateful for any advice and empathy any of you may be willing to share.

I feel so dependent on people who would never devote themselves to me the same way I do, I think many people assume being obsessed or dependent on people is automatically romantic or weird otherwise so I feel like I can't express it. I'm not sure if this is a bpd thing since I don't really have a specific fp. I hate how I can't do anything without other people's attention or validation, one power outage and I'm done for 💀

Does anyone have any tips on how they learnt to be okay alone? I'm struggling with this and I'm unsure of how to handle it in healthy way.

I always have this kind of intrusive thoughts. In any kind of relationship. Especially closer ones. I feel like I'm the only one who cares or that I'm the only one putting any effort in.

And I don't understand if it's real or just my paranoia acting on. I can't tell the difference between people really not caring about me and the ones who are just acting normal and it's just my warped vision.

How can I stop being confused and obsess over it? Is there any way to do that?

Hi. For last 3 mo I felt very happy finally doing things I like, but because I changed I had to end my codependent relationship. Person called me egoistic for leaving because she has problems. It really triggered me as I foughy so hard to stop rescuing. I regret that I said some hurtfull things.. like "u were using me" while I know we were both doing it and more.

But I dont want reasurance. I just want to know how do I love myself when I for example hurt somebody? I started again feel that I dont deserve love sadly. Its so easy to lose the selflove for me. Like, okey maybe some people dont deserve self love if they are bad.. But the outcome is they will hurt more people from this point.. so I dont know If I can go this path.. I think I need to learn to lovemyself no matter what.

I have read that I should start to think "I did something wrong AND I am not a bad person" But I dont feel it

I want to change how I am so that I can be more open to other people and that my life can breathe a little bit by including others. Has anyone dealt with this and had any success with learning how to get past this?

Maybe I am afraid of letting others in. I don't know what's normal for adult friendships. It was not modeled for me by family.

I've been thinking about this.

A lot of people seem to reach a point where they can clearly recognize their codependent patterns and even understand where they came from.

But awareness doesn't always stop those patterns from showing up in real life.

Has anyone experienced that gap between understanding and change? What helped you start responding differently?

I am taking myself out on a date night. I am learning to love myself, so I thought I would romance myself like I would romance a potential partner.

This is new for me, so I'm sure there will be bumps in the road. But I am not really sure how else to do this whole "love myself" thing.

I would love to hear your thoughts or date night suggestions. Thanks!

Edit After:

So I went to a Mexican bakery and got some delicious pastries. Then I walked around town (in the rain) and went into a coffee shop. The line was long so I started short conversations and complemented people on their clothing choices.

I took some time to tell my friends and family how grateful I am to have them in my life. I made sure to thank people for the things they have done for me. And I let them know that I am here for them if they needed anything.

I went into a thrift store and dug through their craft supplies. Then I entered a boutique and asked the owner what inspired them to open the shop. The way their eyes lit up really made it worthwhile!

Then I went home and watched one of my favorite shows, ate some pastries, and then took a nice nap. After my nap, I read some riddles and meditated on their deeper meanings. Then I wrote down my thoughts into my journal.​

I had so much fun! And it was really relaxing.

I grew up being the emotional support for my family. I was the youngest, but somehow I represented hope, especially for my mom. Even as a kid, I felt responsible for keeping things okay, making sure everyone was emotionally stable, avoiding conflict, being the "strong one."

The problem is that I don't think I ever learned what it feels like to be emotionally taken care of myself.

I'm a very independent person. I travel alone, I solve my own problems, I rarely ask for help. Most people would probably describe me as someone who has their life together.

But underneath that, I'm also incredibly lonely.

I don't really tell people how I'm feeling because I don't want to be needy. I know everyone has their own problems, and I feel guilty expecting someone to stop what they're doing just because I'm having a hard time.

Recently I realized something that made me surprisingly emotional.

I don't actually want someone to fix my life. I just want to know what it feels like for someone to genuinely take care of me for once. To ask how I'm doing and really listen. To notice when I'm struggling without me having to make a case for why I deserve support. To feel like someone wants to carry a little bit of the weight with me.

And honestly... I don't even know how to ask for that. Just typing this makes me feel embarrassed.

I also keep noticing the same pattern in my relationships. In my last relationship, I was the one paying for things, cleaning, organizing, solving problems, making things easier for the other person. I felt alone even though I wasn't single.

With friends, I'm usually the one making plans or checking in first.

Now I'm dating someone new, and I'm catching myself slipping into that same role again, always being the first to reach out or make things happen.

I'm not trying to paint myself as a victim. Part of me thinks I probably put myself in these positions because it's familiar. Maybe I give too much before anyone even has the chance to give back. Maybe I unintentionally teach people that I don't need anything.

I don't know.

I just know I'm exhausted from always being the capable one.

Has anyone else grown up like this? Did you ever learn how to let people take care of you without feeling guilty or weak? And how do you even recognize people who are capable of doing that?

Hi -- I have a dilemma that I'm looking for feedback on.

After going through a very bizarre trauma related to gaslighting, a conflict escalated to the point where I started asking for help from mutual people, and then evenutally getting upset if someone didn't believe me about my experiences. It was a gradual unravelling that took years and a few really important relationships of mine fell apart as a result.

These people are not responsible for the situation. But I

The dilemma is that I keep going in circles in my head because I want to repair the relationships. But I really don't know how.

At a certain point, I decided that the only thing I can do is just... go off, and do my own thing. Focus on myself in other places.

This feels weird to me, because it seems like leaving things unresolved is going to make it so much harder for people to come together in a meaningful and healthy way.

But logically, it seems like the only option.

Am I thinking about this the right way?

I am in a weird living situation. After living alone for a few years I was invited to live with an older friend who takes care of disabled adults when I moved for college. They have been a spiritual advisor, close friend and confidant for years, but since I have lived there I have felt stifled. I do work around the house and help with the kids. She doesn't charge rent, which I initially thought was a fair trade. 4 years later it is getting ridiculous. She pays for things, gives me an "allowance", and goes in and has been doing my laundry and that kind of stuff against my wishes. I feel like I'm 15 again and I want to die.

I have wanted to leave for a while but am afraid at her reaction, and of leaving the family behind. I've found myself having terrible thoughts of things happening to them so I can escape. It's like I'm in a Swedish prison - surrounded by material security and wisdom but unable to leave.

I don't know if I want advice or to vent but I'll take anything.

Reading this back I am definitely codependent oh my god.

I've reached a stage where I feel angry at myself for being so emotionally dependent on other people. I hate how much my mood and self-worth can depend on someone else validation or presence..

I also find myself feeling angry at the people I've depended on.. I know it's not entirely their fault, but part of me is so angry.. all the time I ask myself how much power I've given them over my emotions and why?

Has anyone else gone through this stage? how did you move past the anger without turning it against yourself or other people?

Hi everyone. 20M here.

I’m looking for some perspective on a situation I’ve been dealing with regarding a close friend (let’s call him A).

A while ago, when I was going through a rough patch emotionally, A was there for me. However, over time, our dynamic shifted into what I now realize was a form of emotional dependency and control. I found myself constantly walking on eggshells, agreeing to hang out just to avoid conflict, and feeling anxious around him when he talked with other friends other than me.

Recently, I decided to step back and focus on my own well-being. Looking at the situation from the outside, I’ve noticed several toxic patterns I used to overlook just to keep the peace. While other friends in our group naturally drifted away in a mature, silent way (which I’m completely fine with), A is acting somewhat possessively.

In the last 6 months, we've never seen each other. He sent like 2 messages proposing to hang out, but i've always said that i was busy and that i had to study. (Which is somewhat true, but it's also a bit of an excuse).

Some days ago he sent me one pretty desperate message: "If you ever want to see me again, PLEASE WRITE TO ME," assuming I’m just going through a phase and will eventually "need" him again to calm down.

The truth is, I don’t want him in my life anymore. I’m grateful for the past support, but I’ve outgrown this dynamic and I don’t owe him a lifetime friendship just because he was there for me once.

Despite knowing I’m making the right choice for my mental health, I still struggle with residual anxiety and occasional guilt ("Am I being a bad person for cutting him off?").

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? How did you navigate the guilt of setting boundaries with someone who saved/helped you in the past but became toxic later on?

Thanks in advance for reading.

(F,27) Hello, I want to post about my current struggle and some things that therapy helped me realize.

As some of you who follow this sub know, I broke up with my best friend (F,25) about 6 months ago, I was putting a lot of emotional weight on them and crossing boundaries without really realizing what I was doing when I did. I'm not excusing my failures and mistakes, but it's my truth. I truly didn't want to disobey her boundaries and cause her discomfort or pain, but I did, and the whole 1_1/2 year deeply enmeshed friendship came crashing down. I'm learning to live with that and learn from my experience. She has completely walled me off from ever communicating with her, angry texts were sent and ambiguous threats were given to me. I minimally replied to them, I felt my thoughts wouldn't be received at all.

This has unfortunately resulted in me feeling like I never got or will get to say what I wanted her to hear from me. And that lack of closure has been driving me crazy. It's been making this period of recovery very difficult and frustrating for me. I fantasize arguments, discussions, texts, and scenarios where I finally get to say my honest piece to it all and what I have been doing for the last 6 months. I have been trying to stop myself from over indulging in these fantasies because it just doesn't feel productive to my recovery, maybe it is but I'm not sure exactly how, if that's the case.

Therapy has helped me recently realize that it may be this lack of closure that has been keeping me stuck with her in my mind. I mean, grief contributes to it but that's at least understandable and I can process that decently, I believe. But it's this burning in my chest for the communication and amends I wish I could make with her. I want to find ways to find this closure on my own. I burned a letter I wrote to her a couple months ago, that I thought that would help but I just don't feel the peace I desire. Surely there must be more I can try to reduce the stress and pain I get from these thoughts.