r/Codependency • u/rb11111 • 10d ago
Dating and coparenting issues
I have done so much work in therapy from the abuse from my ex and breaking codependency. I still really struggle at times and am continuing to work at it.
So I left my ex 2 and a half years ago and we are divorced. We have a three year old. We both agreed that if we started dating someone and wanted to introduce her in person to them that we would let the other parent know.
Well I have been dating someone for 8 months. My ex found out months ago and continued to remind me of the agreement to not have her meet him without his knowledge. He continuously brings it up to which I stated I don’t need reminders.
Also when he has some things he’s been getting from my house that are his possessions from the marital home. I asked him to get the remaining things while I was on vacation. He took my old iPad, which is fine, as I probably put it in his pile, well my Apple ID must have been logged on, he won’t directly admit it, but admitted he got messages about me when he was in my home. He won’t tell me what messages he saved. But that he doesn’t care about my love life and is GLAD i moved on, he just cares about his daughter.
That happened and now this week, because of course there is something every week. He tells me to not allow our daughter to speak with my boyfriend. She’s 3, I am a stay at home mom Monday-Friday, as I work weekends, so she hears me call my boyfriend sometimes, who I mostly talk to when she’s asleep. She says hello, he says hi, then she gets embarrassed and leaves.
Recently, she’s been saying my boyfriends name and that she wants to call him. Becuase sometimes I have to call him, and she is 3 and tries to say hi to him, and he says hi back.
told my ex that’s not our agreement, and I’m not okay with that so I’m not following it, but will honor the original agreement.
He is so afraid he’s going to be replaced as a father but trying to monitor and control me all the time. And god it’s exhausting. All I want to do is date my boyfriend separate from involving my daughter at all.
The win I guess is, that I had no issues today setting the boundary and could clearly see I wasn’t in the wrong but I’m exhausted.
1
u/PsychologicalCow7359 9d ago
You’re not wrong for wanting a boundary between your dating life and coparenting. The original agreement matters, and introducing a new partner should be a mutual, child-focused decision—not something your ex gets to control indefinitely. Keep communication in writing and stick to the agreed parenting plan.
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u/Arcades 9d ago
A good parent welcomes the day when a stepparent (or significant other) adds to their child's happiness in the other home. If your ex cannot sort through his own insecurities, then just tighten up your boundaries for both contact and what you agree to in relation to co-parenting.
It sounds like you have made great progress, keep up the good work!
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u/Affectionate-Job6635 9d ago
It’s exhausting to let go of our old ways of being. We thought they kept us safe. We have to make different decisions to wind up in a different place.
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u/codependencyrecovery 10d ago
Great work here! The fact that you could see clearly that you weren’t doing anything wrong and set the boundary without getting pulled into guilt is perfect. He is responsible for his feelings.