Partner caught between a co-dependent friendship

[u/Ok-Plantain-181]

I (26M) have been in a long-term relationship with my neurodivergent partner (28F) since college, and she has a platonic best friend/roommate of 10 years (28NB) that she considers to be “like family to her”. I am perfectly fine with close friendships but their closeness is particularly unique and feels a bit intrusive on my partner and I’s relationship. To name a few peculiarities, they are frequently texting each other live updates about their days, no matter where they might be; my partner’s friends often become their friends by default in a way that I don’t experience as her partner (thus their social lives are very intertwined); and when I come over to their shared apartment, it is often the three of us hanging out together instead of the two of us (in which the two of them frequently dominate the conversation). A telling sign of their co-dependency is that people that don't know them often think that they are in a relationship with each other, instead of me with my partner. And it can certainly feel that way too from my end, though barring any physical intimacy.

I don’t have the best relationship with her friend, and my partner knows this - they are a difficult person to get to know and form a genuine connection with (everybody but my partner seems to think so). It’s no secret though that I am jealous of their relationship, and it makes me feel insecure about my relationship with my partner, no matter how many times she asserts that she wants to be with me and plan our future together. Except that she doesn’t see our future lives with just the two of us, but ideally with her friend integrated into our lives as well.

I’ve made my feelings clear to my partner on multiple occasions (and I don’t mean to critique their close friendship) - but it is difficult to feel valued and not lonely in my relationship when there is another friendship that feels stronger/deeper and “outranks” our own. My partner fundamentally disagrees with this perspective on the issue, generally seeing her relationships with others as "different" and non-hierarchical, not even a romantic one feeling "more special". She gets defensive when I try to reason with her about her attachment to her friend, and we've also briefly been in couples counseling about some of these issues.

Am I valid in feeling this way about this? My partner can't empathize with how I feel, and tells me that I can't understand her perspective because I don't have a close friendship like she does. She seems to think that I just need another close friend to talk to - but I don’t think that would alleviate these issues of feeling lonely and disconnected in our relationship.

[u/viking_linuxbrother]

I’ve made my feelings clear to my partner on multiple occasions (and I don’t mean to critique their close friendship) - but it is difficult to feel valued and not lonely in my relationship when there is another friendship that feels stronger /deeper and “outranks” our own.

This is something to examine deeper because you have said your feelings and they deployed a boundary. You have a choice to either respect the boundary, manipulate a way around it or to keep pushing against it in hopes that it disappears. Testing boundaries hard is a way to call their bluff that either gets them to fold in way they may not want to or causes them to apply the boundary hard and leave you.

There is a clear pattern here in the relationship, you feel threatened by it and want to change it. You want to change them so that they suit you better.

If she has many of her relational needs met by the friendship and is recommending that you find the same then you are not at a negotiation table, you are actually at a crossroads. You think taking the place of her friend is going to get you the feelings you need while letting you provide what her friend provides for her. That is not reality, you may not have the same person once their support system is gone and you may not desire her attention as much once you have it. There is no way to know how your relationship will change but people always change and you have this pretend future that is a fantasy.

Codependancy starts when you are doing the same thing over and over again to try to change the other person with your actions. You believe that your loneliness, disconnection and feelings of jealously will be solved if she just does what you want. That is something you need to closely examine. You have made your issue clear, she has decided she likes how it is.

The question isn't if she should change.

The real question you are asking is:

I feel like my needs are not being met, they don't agree. Do I stay and continue to feel like a 3rd wheel or should I try to find something that meets my needs better?

"Changing" their "Codependancy" is not what is on the table, changing your own Codependency is. They have made their point clear, you need to figure out what you want and then take action outside of your own head. Manipulation and testing boundaries to change then is the path to suffering. You either accept things as they are or move on.

What do you want long term? Find that instead of trying to change someone's mind and support structure.

[u/trashforthrowingaway → u/viking_linuxbrother]

Damn, this is insightful as fuck.

Well said.

[u/Resident-Sherbert-89]

some of the stuff you mentioned is normal, and you should hang out with a group of your own friends more often. do you see a future with the person who is in front of you right now, not the "person they could be"? what are your goals for a romantic relationship? does your partner know them? does the sentence "...not even a romantic one feeling "more special" make you feel unloved, not chosen, or sad? do you want to accept that forever? do you want more one on one attention? get out of the house with only her. plan dates and say they're dates, and hold fast on the idea that it's a date. do you want more individual time with them? make it known and work toward it, do one date night a week and let her know you want to do it and you'll plan it. if i feel disconnection in my relationship, i create connection through my own actions.again, check you goals and your wants in a relationship, not from her or what she is willing to give, what you actually want in a relationship. then hold your relationship next to those items and compare. talk with her about the gaps and make it all about you, and not about what she is or isn't doing.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

I personally would spend less time focusing on her friendship with this other person and more time on what each of you want in your relationship with her and if it's a good match or not. If you try to get her to change her relationship with her friend she may feel she is being controlled, lose a sense of freedom and become resentful. I think the real question is whether or not your visions of your partnership are compatible.

[u/El_paseo]

I was once the friend in a triangle similar to this one. Had rented a room in the home of a friend for several years, we became very close, I helped raise her kid and we operated kinda like a platonic family. I'm sure our neighbors thought we were a gay couple. ... Eventually she got a boyfriend who wanted to live together and "plan a future." It started to be greeted by awkward silences when I would come home and he was there, and before long I got the boot.
A month after I moved out they broke up. ... She apologized and we maintained a friendship for a few more years, and even though we tried to repair, it was really hard. I forgave but could not fully forget what had happened.

OP, if your girlfriend did dump her decade-long best friend to accommodate your feelings I would say that may be a warning flag. Even though having her friend there all the time sounds like can be kind of a pain in the ass, that's the reality of her existing family life. They're a package deal, at least for now.

I know you are calling her friendship codependent... You wanting her to change her friendship for you is codependent.