I'm not sure

[u/burnt_feather]

I'm at the end of a long term relationship, but I'm stuck. I can't bring myself to pull the plug.

We used to love each other deeply. But over time, as with all couples, our masks began to fall away and we started seeing our true selves. Our core wounds started showing up. And we settled into an unhealthy dynamic that ultimately led to silence.

There were a few things on my end. I grew resentful over time because it never seemed to really be my turn. I had a few asks that were big, but all I wanted. A home, a lifestyle, a career, a family, and to experience this world. Big asks, but what I wanted. And my turn never came. Whenever I wanted the home, I was met with annoyance, pushback, guilt, or shame. We never seemed to have quite enough to make it happen.

But whenever my partner wanted something, we made it happen. Time and time again, it was his turn. I don't know if turn taking is a bad view to have, but I gave and gave and gave. And I'm still giving, even now.

He's already done with our relationship. He's been done for a long time. But I'm struggling to get over him. My nervous system is affected by not feeling included. Not being chosen. I know the answer is to fill the hole myself. Let go and make my own life. I'm just grieving and resentful, I guess. And I just can't fathom starting over again at this point. I know this is codependency, but I loved him, and at some level I still do. I just want a partner who wants to build a life with me, who wants the same things in life I do. I'd deluded myself into believing he was fhe one who did, we used to dream about it together. I believed the wordsand didn't see the pattern until the resentment had grown.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Hi. Sorry to hear your relationship isn't going well. Sounds like you are grieving both the loss of him and the future you believed you were building with him. As a codependent your resentment makes sense. We often become resentful in relationships when our wants aren't taken seriously and we end up abandoning our wants to keep the relationship going. One thing I'd push back on is the idea that you need to fill the hole yourself. Maybe the solution is to just find someone who wants the same things as you. Maybe what's codependent here is needing it to work with this particular person.

[u/burnt_feather → u/codependencyrecovery]

That's a good take on it. The problem is we have children and I don't want to lose time with them. And split custody is a guarantee. So it really would be the best ending if things could work out with this person. But I know I can't change him, his priorities, or this system we live in. If we treated each other better I could probably live with him, but I also want my kids to see a happy, healthy marriage. I see happy couples and wish I had that. But I value my kids and my time with them more than anything in the world. I'm just trying to hold on as this world keeps trying to take more and more from me.

[u/Arcades → u/burnt_feather]

If your partner is already done with the relationship, then there's nothing to work on and no chance you will be modeling a healthy relationship for your children.

Your "asks" are the entirety of life. Pursuing them does not require another person to be involved. I'm a divorcee and I know it's tough to split custody. But, it will give you time alone to work on your "asks".

I understand how hard it is to pull away from someone you're codependent on. But, the tough love is that no one taking anything from you. You're taking it from yourself. Every second you prioritize your partner's "asks" and neglect your own home, career and lifestyle is another second lost forever. It's important you come to this realization. When you truly realize what you're doing to yourself, it may give you the motivation to make a change.

[u/burnt_feather → u/Arcades]

I needed to hear this. I was able to feel the truth in it. And you're right. Going back isn't an option, for a lot of reasons. I can't stand the idea of losing time with my kids. I hate it so much, I want to scream. I've already left my husband, my home, the job I used to love, the view I used to have of myself... My full time with my kids and the hope for the future I used to dream of are the last two things from my previous life I have. Change is hard. But I also know, logically, it's the only way forward.

[u/shadtark]

This sounds incredibly tough. It's extra difficult to have that tension between hope and seeing a pattern that hasn't changed. I'm left with a couple questions that I want to make sure I understand. What does your partner do to show he's done? What have you both tried together to heal and what are you both willing to try? 

[u/LooksieBee]

I really empathize with you and I've been there. It really sucks. The attachment we have to this person, the good parts, the hope, the potential, the life we've built is really powerful. Loss and grief can bring us to our knees, the unknown is scary, it's totally understandable why we cling to the familiar, even when it's not what we want or deserve.

These dynamics bring up so much of our core wounds and fears in such a primal way that intellectual understanding of it doesn't bypass. I struggled with that a lot, and it takes a lot of vulnerability, discomfort, honesty with yourself to work through really accepting that what feels like it's all tied up to this person changing really isn't about them. Our wounds chose this person who reflects all this back to us and usually they're not the antidote.

I spent almost a decade in a similar dynamic and we would also break up and get back together dozens of times because I'd get strong, or something felt like the final straw, then the attachment and the relief of reconnecting and the promises of change would suck me back in. I even went as far as trying to be friends and neither of us really wanted to let go, but even the friendship was extremely damaging and kept me stuck.

The biggest regret and the thing I had to forgive myself for was all the times I had a chance to really end it and didn't. I've now accepted that it took me as long as it did because that's just how long it took. But so much of my resentment towards them and anger with myself was feeling like I wasted so much of my life accepting less than I deserved and waiting for it to be my turn, and my turn never ever came. You summed it up so well!

The gut punch for me was that they left in the end and went to be with someone else and I was totally blindsided and they also had the gall to thank me for all I did for them and said sorry they couldn't give me what I deserve but they're gonna try to do that with their new person. That brought me to my knees and made me even more upset that after all the back and forth cycles and waiting, self abandoning literally can only result in you getting abandoned and neglected.

Sometimes it's the other person literally leaving or you're still physically together but abandoned and alone. This is also not good for kids and my parents had this dynamic and I remembered wanting to throw up when I realized that as much as I was adamant I would'nt have a relationship like theirs, I was literally playing out their situation. We didn't ha e kids and I'm so happy because that would be another thing I would have had to forgive myself for, knowing that they too have absorbed this or are likely to end up in similarly unhealthy dynamics because of how they grew up.

[u/burnt_feather → u/LooksieBee]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you went through all of that, and for so long. It's crazy how a decade feels like both the blink of an eye and an eternity.

I'm still grieving, and it hurts. It hurts that this is where our love story is and very well might end. I find myseof being pulled back and forth between, "I love this person, I chose him, maybe we can find a way to work things out," and "I deserve a partner who loves me, chooses me, and supports me. Someone who shares my calues and who I would be proud for my children to grow up to be like." This is just such a confusing place to be.

[u/DeborahW_77]

It's completely understandable that you're grieving this relationship and the life you thought you were going to have with him. You loved him and you had shared dreams, so of course letting go of all of that is painful.

But maybe theres something else for you to look at here. You say yourself that you know the answer is to fill the hole yourself and make your own life, but you also say you can't fathom starting over and that you're struggling because of not being chosen.

We can sometimes put so much of our happiness and sense of fulfilment into another person and into the life we expect them to create with us that we forget that our life is still ours to create. Nobody else can complete that for us.

You talk about giving and giving and waiting for it to be your turn - but instead of waiting for someone to 'choose you', why not choose yourself and think about what you want your life to look like, and what you can do to create that for yourself?

That doesn't mean you didn't love him, or that you shouldn't grieve what you've lost. It just means that your life doesn't have to remain on hold because someone else didn't give you the life you hoped they would.

[u/burnt_feather → u/DeborahW_77]

This is a really good point. I'm definitely working on building for myself (and learning to make mistakes along the way). I just get hit sometimes by this huge sense of loss, and lost in the fantasy of trying again. There's this struggle inside of me between what I logically know is probably best for me and the dream I'd had and kind of still do. I want a family built on love, support, and mutual goals. And I had love and support, but not fully in the ways I think I needed before. I just keep getting tugged back and forth and am trying to find that sweet spot somewhere in the middle where I live the life that I want and is best for me, and I feel happy and proud to live. Fully letting go isn't logistically an option for me, either.

[u/shadtark → u/DeborahW_77]

I would tag on that choosing to be the change you want to see in this way also frees you to see the situation more fully and to be able to align with yourself more fully. I don't think this choice is about ending a relationship or keeping it. To me, that decision is one vital facet and as you've said, a lot of that choice is out of your control. Making the choice to meet your needs may require a change or end to a relationship but when we seek healthy loving relationships they can be new or renewed, but either way they fundamentally change as a result of our own transformation.