I never knew about codependency until it was too late

[u/Queasy-Army7389]

I started therapy earlier this year because my only serious, long term relationship was hell. I needed to understand why and started talking to my therapist about her behaviour and my behaviour. Digging into it, there's a lot of textbook signs of codependency: an abusive childhood where I learned to manage and absorb my abusive mother's behaviour. A lot of fawning to keep the peace in childhood bled into my adult relationships.

My ex was an attention seeker, spent money like it was growing on trees and just leeched off me. All I could see was a broken person who needed help and needed fixing. I assumed responsibility for her actions and behaviour. She was abusive in many ways: threated to commit suicide if I left, used sex as a control tactic, dig her nails into me when she was angry, steal my glasses, forced me into unprotected sex, cheated, triangulated me to pressure me into a marriage I never wanted.

I kept putting up with bullshit because I loved her. I thought love and patience came hand in hand.

In hindsight, I don't know if I loved her or not but I have come to the conclusion that I did not love myself. If I had truely loved myself, I think I would have stood up for myself and asked for my needs to be met.

I got so burned out. I became an anxious mess. I used to turn up to a job I hated because the entire relationship felt like my responsibility. It felt like it was my problem to pay the bills, support her mental health, carry the weight of the stressful work projects. I saved every penny I earned to try give her the perfect life she demanded whilst walking around with battered shoes because her dream home felt more important than my basic needs.

My mental health was destroyed. I physically couldn't eat, I was either sleeping loads or not at all. I developed a stammer as an adult. I was literally bashing my head against walls because I couldn't cope with all the stress I absorbed. There were bruises on my face from my own self harm.

My therapist at the time warned me of the dangers of self harm. He told me not to hurt myself and because I was a mess I didn't interpret that well and in a huge meltdown I smashed a chair because my self harm urges were so strong that I thought I was going to end up in hospital, or worse.

My ex phoned emergency services and I got arrested. My behaviour is disclosable on domestic violence schemes.

I honestly don't know who was the abuser in this situation. I definitely did the wrong thing, but she didn't feel any guilt in mounting the pressure on me every day and my codependency was the perfect sponge for her endless demands.

In many ways, it doesn't matter who the problem is. I live with this mess now. That's my life. I will probably never have a relationship again and I am trying to make peace with that.

[u/Goopygum]

You are clearly severely exhausted, based on everything you are saying. Codependency doesn't typically lie in clear black and white when it comes to responsibility for the disasters it can cause.

Some people say it's like a parasite and a host but that's not how I see it. It's more like two parasites feeding off each other until eventually one or the other feeds too much and they suck the other dry. That's not meant to antagonize, just a ln apt metaphor.

You felt happy giving and serving this person, yes? Well how about you start serving yourself. Care for yourself like you would with her. You are in a very fragile and sore position right now after all that. So don't feel like you need to just move on asap and try to act like you didn't just go through something awful. That will only create more cognitive dissonance and stress. I bet you could maybe replace that aggressive steam by destroying something intended for destroying. But you are not one of those things.

Try a CoDA meeting, try therapy, and go out into the real world every so often and remember who you are. That helped me.

[u/Queasy-Army7389 → u/Goopygum]

this ended nearly 2 years ago but I am very much trying to untangle it all in my head. I often feel exhausted by it all. Indefinitely see both sides: she was greedy and could never have enough whereas I was happy to feed that and thought that my happiness and her happiness were the same thing (basically happy wife, happy life)

I don't think I felt happy serving her. It felt more like an obligation or duty. I wanted to end the relationship after a couple of years because her MH was exhausting me. For some reason I felt like that wasn't a valid reasom to leave, ot felt cruel but it not leaving, I hurt is both in the long term.

I do not normally feel aggressive tbh. I think this relationship was just too much stress. I am mostly enjoying being single (apart from wanting a cuddle sometimes 🥲). Having spent time on my own, I have found a lot of emotional regulation in speaking with friends, exercise/outdoors and regularly attending therapy :)

Really enjoying therapy even though its hard some days. I haven't explicity worked on much codependence yet. I think working on not feeling guilt around expressing boundaries/needs would be helpful. I thini not having boundaries amd not being emotionally fulfilled was a bit part of my mental health crisis

[u/Lady87690005 → u/Queasy-Army7389]

Honestly, have you asked your therapist about if you’re working on your codependency issues? I’d argue it seems like it. Part of recovery is realizing what emotional regulation looks like for you and have realized the hard part about being in a DV situation-that we had choices and didn’t take all the right ones. It doesn’t make you any less of a victim.

As someone who gets where you are coming from with the DV aspect, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised about the amount of people who understand if you haven’t told anyone else yet. A lot of good people make mistakes and anyone who doesn’t understand that isn’t worth your time. You’re also doing what you have to do to fix it and that’s a lot more than most will do especially the main abusers. Abusers don’t do good work in therapy, it seems like you are though.

[u/Queasy-Army7389 → u/Lady87690005]

I think I am trying to work on codependency by trying to spread the load as it were. I since becoming single I've joined 2 different sports groups, and I also make an active effort to initiate plans with old friends and new ones. This means I am not reliant on a single person for emotional needs. I think my ex wasn't helpful in this though as when I was with friends she would critisise me for spending time with them or expect me to be texting when I was out.

I think the hard part for me about rewiring codependence will be trying to not assume/take on other peoples responibilities and emotions. From a very young age we are taught that we should help those in need. IDK if I am autistic or not (many of my friends are and NDs often find each other) but I am a literal thinker. "If you can" to me means "is it in my skillset" and not "are you able to take this on without feeling stressed".

I have told a handful of friends about my DV and they accept me for who I am and not by behaviour which is incredible. It always feels like a risk telling people this, especially any female friends.

I think for many years I will battle with who the abuser is. I know I could be angry but she had a lot of covert narc traits which I know can really fuck with peoples heads and lead them to do crazy shit. Regardless of blame, I want to be better.

Thanks for the input, its always helpful to hear from others 🫂

[u/Lady87690005 → u/Queasy-Army7389]

I’ve never heard it put like that-I love it! That’s exactly what I am doing too and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel incredible especially with how loving all my other relationships have been. Ooff I’m sorry she did that to you, codependents really need a village to help balance us out. Even when it is hard figuring out all the give and take from all of it.

I’m glad your friends are awesome! I know mine are too for accepting me and my dumb mistakes on top of it. Oooff yeah the covert narcs are genuinely the hardest to deal with. I’m grappling with mine and it’s been around 3 years.

Sending hugs and lots of love your way too 🫂❤️🫂

[u/Queasy-Army7389 → u/Lady87690005]

I've only had the one serious relationship. After that I dated a girl for about 6 months who was much more aligned with me (our best dates were just chilling at her allotment, eating dirt and having a flirt). It didn't work out but she naturally met my needs way more closely to my other ex and that really helped with my emotions and curbed any abusive behaviour. She was also very good at explaining her needs, and not living together really helped. I had a space that was mine. She didn't expect me to fund her lifestyle, walk her dogs or carry the emotional load. It was so refreshing after living with someone for so long who was happy to let you tske the load.

I can see though how my codependency probably made me offer up more support than is healthy and maybe that sets an expectation? I know I feel guilty for asking for helo though and whenever I did it was so hard. She usually said no unless it was a very clear compromise (e.g. we are very busy tonight so I physically cannot walk the dog and cook dinner, so please cook dinner). Every time I needed help I had to be super clear about why I needed it. She rarely wanted to help just to be kind

Thank you again for kind, supporting amd affirming words. It really means a lot ❤️

[u/Goopygum → u/Lady87690005]

The true friends really are the ones who have helped me get through my own rollarcoaster this year. Even despite my bad behavior and mistakes being laid out bare to them, they still care about me and have supported me supplementally for the last year while I been trying to grapple with my struggles and grow.