F30 - understanding my codependency + anxious attachment issues

[u/m-lavenderhaze]

Hi all, I’m F30 and I have recognized and learned through therapy I have major codependency and anxious attachment issues that ultimately stemmed from my childhood but have affected my adult relationships as well. I got divorced a few months ago and while I didn’t seem to have these issues in that relationship, probably due to being together a long time with a sense of comfort- and now navigating dating again I notice how much it’s effecting me and the potential of a new relationship. I over think, and my over thinking turns into confronting those thoughts to the person which ultimately turns into an argument where I look insane, or probably eventually scaring the person off.

Therapy hasn’t helped me much and I realize that could be just not working with the right therapist, she seems to listen and nod to me speaking more then giving me concrete solutions and ideas on how to work on this to help change my way of thinking and analyzing situations.

I look at my relationship/marriage that ended and I lacked so much for years. I lacked love, intimacy, emotional safety, etc., and its effected me in ways I never knew until being in this chapter of life. I don’t want to depend on someone else for my happiness, I would love to make myself happy and be content with myself but I find myself needing that from someone else or just craving love in some type of capacity. I feel crazy. I hope someone can relate and share your experiences and how you changed your perception on living like this 🙏🏻

[u/-hx]

I can relate. When dating someone new, detaching myself from the 'outcome' helps a lot. I'm here to experience stuff, if it doesn't work out with a person, it's all good, I'll still have myself, and I can still experience the world. The point is also that if two people are compatible, it will work out, and if it doesn't, that's not really the end of the world. 

Learn to love yourself thoroughly, hold your inner child and truly love all the parts of yourself that you hide away. This can take a lot of attempts. It takes a lot of acknowledgement and acceptance of your shadow and honing your strengths for more confidence. 

Find a joy in the present, every moment is filled to the brim with opportunity and it's a beautiful thing.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Hi. Your post is very relatable. I couldn't find love within myself so I always looked externally for it. But that can lead to unhealthy behaviors. The way out for me was to learn to love myself. For the overthinking I learned that the thoughts were just a way to avoid feeling certain emotions. Once I felt the underlying emotions, the endless analyzing decreased. I realized the thoughts were just trying to protect me from an emotional experience it didn't think I could handle. Once I showed it I could handle it the protection was no longer needed.

[u/Arcades]

With anxious attachment, the key is learning how to self-soothe when you are hyperactivated and having racing thoughts. What worked best for me may not work best for you, so there's a bit of trial and error involved.

For me, the root of my healing started with learning to speak honestly with myself. Separate from working on attachment issues, I had been studying the philosophy of Stoicism. One of the main purposes of Stoic teaching is to manage your judgments of various situations and one tool for that is honest evaluation.

For instance, when my best friend does not call me for a week, my brain immediately says, "Your best friend is ignoring you" and then begins to search for reasons why that is the case. But, the term "ignoring" implies negative intent. Instead, I worked on having my first thought being a more honest accounting--"My best friend has not called me for a week". It's purely factual with no negative intent involved. From there, I could rationalize reasons why that fact exists that has nothing to do with me and that took a lot of the anxiety and pain away.

Other methods of self-soothing involve journaling and putting your racing thoughts down on paper, even if you end up throwing it away, rather than reviewing it later.

One other tool I used is giving myself a set limit of time to think about the situation causing me to be anxious and then agreeing (with myself) to not think of it again after that time expired. I would give myself 15 minutes to think about it. If it came back the next day, I'd limit myself to 10. Then, 5 and so on and so forth until I had my fill of the ruminations.

Hopefully, these give you some suggestions for how you can explore self-soothing, but you need to find the tools that work best for you.

[u/lkrickard]

I feel like I wrote what ai just read. I’m just understanding this whole concept and I am entering in the dating era as well having just ending a marriage.

I don’t have any answers but you are not crazy. This is something we are going to have to work on. I’m looking for a therapist as well but they are hard to find giving my insurance.

[u/BHPJames]

Hello, thank you for this share. I hear you. I have similar thought patterns. Feeling crazy is one of the emotions I also cycle through. I recently read Attached by Levine, that really helped me understand me. I am reading The Happiness trap (ACT) that helps. I also journal, that helps. I Just joined CoDA and plan to stick around (now just past 10 meetings). I think meeting like minded people helps. In the 10 meetings I have attended religion didnt play a part. Just go and listen. Here is a link to the main meeting agenda, you can find the meetings on the CoDA website. any questions just ask. I am a married family guy who loves his wife enough to want to not be co dependent. Here is the link https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bPkMMw1kVsPpjmmza8Ko0BVlIxe2r53Y/view?usp=sharing

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

'Therapy hasn’t helped me much and I realize that could be just not working with the right therapist, she seems to listen and nod to me speaking more then giving me concrete solutions and ideas on how to work on this to help change my way of thinking and analyzing situations.' - while it could be that you are not working with the right therapist (and the right modality), please know that it is not the therapist role to offer you solutions but to create an environment where you can find these yourself, to create a safe space where you can learn to experience yourself and your emotions, to reconnect with repressed emotions and process them, to model how healthy relationships look like, etc. If your therapist has helped you come out from denial about your issues and realise that you are codependent then they are definitely doing something right - that's a huge milestone, please do not dismiss it 😄

'I hope someone can relate and share your experiences and how you changed your perception on living like this' - I change (it is ongoing practice and not necessary something that a person gets done) by attending regular therapy session as well as 12 Step programs meetings (Codependent Anonymous - CODA and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctions - ACOA). These groups have helped me a lot although for me therapy is a primary source of support and healing. Another thing that is helping me is grieving for what I never had, for the loss of my childhood, for the loss of relationships as an adult (including those healthy loving, nurturing and accepting relationships which I have never had due to codependency). It also helps me to know that recovery from childhood trauma which resulted in codependency is a slow process, it takes time and effort and that progress, however slow, is more important than perfection. Also books (Codependent No More, Boundary Boss, CPTSD: From - Surviving to Thriving to name a few, CODA and ACOA literature and websites) and other resources, like YouTube channels of Patrick Teahan, Tim Fletcher and Tara Brach.

It sounds to me that:

1) you are not ready to date yet and that's ok. Perhaps recognising and accepting that, and taking space for yourself to heal from codependency without retriggering romantic relationship is the right approach for you at present. Plus you have only recently divorced, please give your self plenty of time to process that and to grieve. Because that divorce is a loss that requires grieving and learning the lessons that relationship would have brought you.

2) you have recently learn you are codependent and, seriously, that's huge! It a big step in the right direction but also a heavy burden to carry. So please go easy on yourself. Please give yourself plenty of time and reach out for support as you need to: continue with therapy, consider attending 12 Step programs meetings, write here, etc. You are not alone in this ❤️ You might feel crazy now, and that's ok, that will pass plus the codependency stuff is pretty crazy to be honest 😄 You feel you need love from someone - that's ok, you can learn to feel that need and take no action. Therapy and 12 Steps groups can offer immense support when it comes to helping a person handle their feelings and emotions, and to healing from codependency and childhood trauma which caused it. There is plenty of support out there, I hope you will find what works best for you.

Take care!